As I sit here in the very same room at the very same desk I wrote a similar post 10 years ago, I am filled with conflicting feelings regarding the completion of this decade and myself at large. While I am pleased with the fact I have undergone more growth than I probably even realize, I still can't shake these feelings of self-loathing. I am better than who I once was, but I am not who or where I want to be.
I entered the 2010s as a scared kid who knew nothing but wasn't strong enough to ask for help. I floundered at the beginning of the decade. I had no idea how to get where I wanted to be, so I just gave up. I stayed up late wasting time on Stickam, stopped exercising, and slept all day. I couldn't realize that *I* was the reason I was stuck in my situation, not the economy, not my past, not anything else. Eventually, I got it together, but my path to where I am now was more bumpy and circuitous than I had anticipated (then again, I was an unrealistic idealist who did not anticipate any adversity, so I got what I got).
Around 2011 and 2012, I almost gave up teaching. I'm glad I didn't, because 1) I'm pretty darn good at it, and 2) I have no idea what I would have done. I'd like to think I could've been a professional wrestler, but I don't know if I would have had the fortitude to have seen that through. I spent the decade in some pretty tough situations, from an alternative school to a public school where I was dead man walking as soon as I was hired because it was a one year position to the most unique school I have ever been a part of, I can't say I would have selected this path for myself, but it was the path I was meant to travel. The students and staff I have encountered have empowered me to sharpen my teaching philosophy and methods and have granted me greater clarity in terms of what I want to accomplish in the 2020s and beyond.
There was a whole lot of loss this decade. I lost two grandparents. I lost someone who was like another uncle to me. I fell in love twice, and I lost them both (and to be honest, I still haven't fallen out of love with one). The friends I had for the entirety of the 1990s and 2000s have, for all intents and purposes, left me behind. I talk to one semi-regularly and harbor no animosity toward another, but our paths diverged, and they decided there was no place on their path to build a bridge back to me. It is daunting to know that the losses I have incurred this decade will only continue for the rest of my life, but I try not to think of it so much.
I have gained plenty this decade as well. I ran two marathons. I completed my master's degree. I am nearing culmination of a doctorate. I connected with members of bands who wrote songs that changed my life. I have created meaningful, sustainable friendships at every stop along the way. I became an uncle. I found my voice and my strength. I learned how to accept and be refined by my failures and to not ignore my limitations. Ultimately, I became the person I was always capable of becoming. I exit the decade as someone with greater self-awareness, self-understanding, and self-motivation.
And yet, I still can't escape this feeling that I didn't do enough. I prioritized certain things and certain people, and I may have missed some opportunities along the way. I have gotten better about not comparing myself to others in terms of timelines (as very little in life is linear), but at times I hesitated, and I lost. I don't have the dream house, the dream job, or the dream family. Sometimes I hate myself for it. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. However, I have to remind myself to be content in what I have and continue to do the work I can to make it all happen someday.
I enter the next ten-year window of my life both excited and exhausted. My successes and my failures have taken a lot out of me, certainly from an emotional sense. I don't know where my life is headed, but I do know I will give everything I have to reach my goals. By hook or by crook, I will find a way. I don't know what the future has in terms of how much I will write. Maybe I'll have another big year of writing; maybe I'll stick to 3-5 posts per year. I thank you all for having contributed to this journey, and I encourage you to stick around for what's next.
Oh, and as for my rankings this decade,
1. 2015
2. 2011
3. 2012
4. 2018
5. 2016
6. 2019
7. 2013
8. 2010
9. 2014
10. 2017
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
2019 in Review
One of the benefits to maintaining this blog is the ability to look back at seasons of my life of great growth and progress or, conversely, seasons of great struggle and challenge. 2019 was, quite honestly, neither; however, I entered the year fully cognizant of the idea that this year was going to be simply a year of building and "putting in the work", so to speak. I had to be okay with the idea that this was not going to be a year of landmark moments but instead a year in which I had to put my head down and trudge forward. Since 2017, I have looked at 2020 as the year of big moments and big moves. For that to occur, I had to be willing to accept 2018 and 2019 as building-block years. That said, plenty happened this year, and it is my annual honor to walk you through my year that was.
Growth Through Failure
While ultimately I am still set up very well to become Dr. Duehr in 2020 (currently September 20, 2020 is the target date), there were moments during which that notion felt tenuous at best. The first time I turned in my concept paper to achieve doctoral candidacy and commence work on my dissertation, I was denied. Instead of digging deep within myself and finding the tenacity to move forward, I fully admit I initially crumbled under the pressure and turned inward. Fortunately, a few weeks later, I was ready to get back at it. I realized that if I had merely asked the right questions and gotten out of my own way, I could have received approval sooner. I have never been the best at taking criticism, yet I now understand that failure and subsequent growth is an integral component of the doctoral process. I write with greater purpose and clarity and think like a doctoral scholar. Since that failure, I have had 40% of my dissertation approved, and am extremely excited to work on the remaining three chapters.
New Professional Challenges
In May, I had the privilege of going through the 8th grade graduation process for the first time as an 8th grade teacher. It was difficult saying goodbye to that group, especially since we spent two years together, but I was very excited to see them conquer high school and the world at large. In August, I received the challenge of not only a new group but also a new schedule which required me to teach reading as well as writing to three groups, including an "Accelerated" group. Since I did not know I would be doing this until approximately 10 days before the school year began, I did not exactly have time to adequately prepare for the new challenge. It felt at points I was learning on the fly, and more often than not I felt like I was drowning. I was afraid of doing these students a disservice by not effectively preparing them for high school. A funny thing happened the week before break. We took the winter round of the MAP testing. 75 percent of my students met or exceeded (and some significantly exceeded) their growth targets for BOTH reading and language skills. For the first time since teaching English, I felt as though my methods and prioritization of the students as people above all else were validated. I am excited to guide this group of students through their last semester as middle school students.
Glimpses
This year was a weird year at times because it gave me fleeting glimpses as to what my life *could* and *might* be someday. It felt as though impossibility no longer existed. I conversed with my celebrity crush (Victoria Justice) on Twitter. A girl I had a crush on for years messaged me to talk about mutual feelings. I met my favorite male (Dolph Ziggler) and female (Sasha Banks) WWE superstars and felt at home in conversation with them. Myrna even reappeared from her metaphorical bunker to e-mail me twice! Though all of these moments (and others) were merely moments, they served as valuable reminders that nothing is impossible, that my current situation is not permanent, and if I continue to do the work, I will set myself up for everything I desire.
Joy in the Journey
I made a point to break up my days with enjoyable things. The constant monotony of work, grad school, and exercise can wear down on one's psyche. I knew the goals I laid for myself were cumbersome, so I did my best to break up those days. Whether it was the aforementioned meet and greets with WWE superstars, a trip to Cleveland to see the Seahawks, a GameFAQs message board meetup in Michigan, or any of the five concerts I attended this year with various friends (including a road trip with Jaclyn to Grand Rapids to meet State Champs), I allowed myself various "rest stops" along the way to celebrate my progress, enjoy life a little, and catch my breath before moving forward.
2019 was not a monumental year, but it was a solid one. It is my sincerest hope that my diligence in putting in the work will lead to a fruitful 2020. As always, thank you for coming along for the ride (or at least reading about the ride).
Growth Through Failure
While ultimately I am still set up very well to become Dr. Duehr in 2020 (currently September 20, 2020 is the target date), there were moments during which that notion felt tenuous at best. The first time I turned in my concept paper to achieve doctoral candidacy and commence work on my dissertation, I was denied. Instead of digging deep within myself and finding the tenacity to move forward, I fully admit I initially crumbled under the pressure and turned inward. Fortunately, a few weeks later, I was ready to get back at it. I realized that if I had merely asked the right questions and gotten out of my own way, I could have received approval sooner. I have never been the best at taking criticism, yet I now understand that failure and subsequent growth is an integral component of the doctoral process. I write with greater purpose and clarity and think like a doctoral scholar. Since that failure, I have had 40% of my dissertation approved, and am extremely excited to work on the remaining three chapters.
New Professional Challenges
In May, I had the privilege of going through the 8th grade graduation process for the first time as an 8th grade teacher. It was difficult saying goodbye to that group, especially since we spent two years together, but I was very excited to see them conquer high school and the world at large. In August, I received the challenge of not only a new group but also a new schedule which required me to teach reading as well as writing to three groups, including an "Accelerated" group. Since I did not know I would be doing this until approximately 10 days before the school year began, I did not exactly have time to adequately prepare for the new challenge. It felt at points I was learning on the fly, and more often than not I felt like I was drowning. I was afraid of doing these students a disservice by not effectively preparing them for high school. A funny thing happened the week before break. We took the winter round of the MAP testing. 75 percent of my students met or exceeded (and some significantly exceeded) their growth targets for BOTH reading and language skills. For the first time since teaching English, I felt as though my methods and prioritization of the students as people above all else were validated. I am excited to guide this group of students through their last semester as middle school students.
Glimpses
This year was a weird year at times because it gave me fleeting glimpses as to what my life *could* and *might* be someday. It felt as though impossibility no longer existed. I conversed with my celebrity crush (Victoria Justice) on Twitter. A girl I had a crush on for years messaged me to talk about mutual feelings. I met my favorite male (Dolph Ziggler) and female (Sasha Banks) WWE superstars and felt at home in conversation with them. Myrna even reappeared from her metaphorical bunker to e-mail me twice! Though all of these moments (and others) were merely moments, they served as valuable reminders that nothing is impossible, that my current situation is not permanent, and if I continue to do the work, I will set myself up for everything I desire.
Joy in the Journey
I made a point to break up my days with enjoyable things. The constant monotony of work, grad school, and exercise can wear down on one's psyche. I knew the goals I laid for myself were cumbersome, so I did my best to break up those days. Whether it was the aforementioned meet and greets with WWE superstars, a trip to Cleveland to see the Seahawks, a GameFAQs message board meetup in Michigan, or any of the five concerts I attended this year with various friends (including a road trip with Jaclyn to Grand Rapids to meet State Champs), I allowed myself various "rest stops" along the way to celebrate my progress, enjoy life a little, and catch my breath before moving forward.
2019 was not a monumental year, but it was a solid one. It is my sincerest hope that my diligence in putting in the work will lead to a fruitful 2020. As always, thank you for coming along for the ride (or at least reading about the ride).
Monday, December 30, 2019
2019 in List Form
As has been the norm this decade, this is less thoughtful counterpart to my Year in Review post in which I list a bunch of things which were relevant to me in 2019. While, compared to previous years, there was not as much that stood out to me from the realm of music, I was fortunate enough to attend five different concerts and see some bands that have been a consistent part of my listening rotation for over a decade. Here is my 2010 in list form.
Songs
1. Have Mercy – Heartbeat
2. Sum 41 – Catching Fire
3. The Early November – The Lilac
4. The Dangerous Summer – Where Were You When the Sky Opened Up
5. Sleep On It – Racing Towards a Red Light
6. The Maine – I Feel It All Over
7. Blink-182 – Pin the Grenade
8. The Lumineers – Gloria
9. The Strumbellas – Salvation
10. John Floreani – Echoes
Albums
1. Have Mercy – The Love Life
2. The Maine – You Are OK
3. The Early November - Lilac
4. Sleep On It – Pride & Disaster
5. Strung Out – Songs of Armor and Devotion
6. Dave Hause – Kick
7. The Dangerous Summer – Mother Nature
8. Sum 41 – Order in Decline
9. Jimmy Eat World – Surviving
10. Blink-182 – Nine
TV Shows
1. Mr. Robot IRIP)
2. NCIS: Los Angeles
3. NCIS
4. Suits (RIP)
5. Impractical Jokers
Sports Moments
1. Seahawks beat 49ers in OT
2. Seahawks beat Browns to snap my 3 game in-person losing streak
3. Dolph Ziggler returns to take 3rd at Royal Rumble
4. Becky Lynch wins main event of WrestleMania 35
5. Dolph Ziggler nearly wins WWE Championship
Personal Moments (In no particular order)
• Detroit suburbs for PMS Board meetup
• Cleveland for Seahawks/Browns
• Traveling to San Diego to see family and a longtime friend
• Grand Rapids to meet State Champs and see We the Kings and Simple Plan
• The Early November, Have Mercy, and OWEL in Chicago on a nice October day
• Record shopping excursions to Schaumburg and Bloomingdale
• Three shows at the amphitheater in Tinley (Disrupt festival, AFI/Smashing Pumpkins, Hootie & the Blowfish)
• The longtime friends I finally got to meet in person this year
• Getting to see the class of 2019 graduate Kellar
• Connecting with the class of 2020
• Meeting Dolph Ziggler in Wisconsin
• Meeting Sasha Banks and Bayley in Rosemont
• Getting my concept paper and two chapters of my dissertation approved
• Branching out and doing things that seem fun, whether people are around or not
Songs
1. Have Mercy – Heartbeat
2. Sum 41 – Catching Fire
3. The Early November – The Lilac
4. The Dangerous Summer – Where Were You When the Sky Opened Up
5. Sleep On It – Racing Towards a Red Light
6. The Maine – I Feel It All Over
7. Blink-182 – Pin the Grenade
8. The Lumineers – Gloria
9. The Strumbellas – Salvation
10. John Floreani – Echoes
Albums
1. Have Mercy – The Love Life
2. The Maine – You Are OK
3. The Early November - Lilac
4. Sleep On It – Pride & Disaster
5. Strung Out – Songs of Armor and Devotion
6. Dave Hause – Kick
7. The Dangerous Summer – Mother Nature
8. Sum 41 – Order in Decline
9. Jimmy Eat World – Surviving
10. Blink-182 – Nine
TV Shows
1. Mr. Robot IRIP)
2. NCIS: Los Angeles
3. NCIS
4. Suits (RIP)
5. Impractical Jokers
Sports Moments
1. Seahawks beat 49ers in OT
2. Seahawks beat Browns to snap my 3 game in-person losing streak
3. Dolph Ziggler returns to take 3rd at Royal Rumble
4. Becky Lynch wins main event of WrestleMania 35
5. Dolph Ziggler nearly wins WWE Championship
Personal Moments (In no particular order)
• Detroit suburbs for PMS Board meetup
• Cleveland for Seahawks/Browns
• Traveling to San Diego to see family and a longtime friend
• Grand Rapids to meet State Champs and see We the Kings and Simple Plan
• The Early November, Have Mercy, and OWEL in Chicago on a nice October day
• Record shopping excursions to Schaumburg and Bloomingdale
• Three shows at the amphitheater in Tinley (Disrupt festival, AFI/Smashing Pumpkins, Hootie & the Blowfish)
• The longtime friends I finally got to meet in person this year
• Getting to see the class of 2019 graduate Kellar
• Connecting with the class of 2020
• Meeting Dolph Ziggler in Wisconsin
• Meeting Sasha Banks and Bayley in Rosemont
• Getting my concept paper and two chapters of my dissertation approved
• Branching out and doing things that seem fun, whether people are around or not
Sunday, December 29, 2019
My Top 10 Songs You Likely Missed Out on in the 2010s
Note from Jakob: Sorry, I did not link to Spotify. If any of these interest you, I'll create a playlist or something.
For one reason or another, the music that hits our ears at the mall, the gym, or the hair salon is not always the “best” music, or at least not the music that resonates most with us. The music that makes the most money is not always the most technically sound or the most emotionally relevant; instead, high ranking producers and executives sometimes strap a rocket to a particular sound or brand to penetrate our ears and general consciousness. My preferred genre (pop punk) has not been relevant on mainstream airwaves for the better part of a decade, yet even within genres, artists, albums, and songs can slip through the cracks. Each of these tracks has made its mark on me over the course of the decade, and I do not feel as though I should keep these songs to myself. I humbly present to you 10 of the greatest songs from the 2010s you probably never heard.
10. The Sun and the Sea – Drive Me Home (2014)
After The Graduate ran its course, the guys diverged in a number of different directions. One of those directions was in a new band named The Sun and the Sea. While I certainly do not know what a third Graduate album would have sounded like, the band was probably as close to a spiritual successor to the band as we’ll ever have. From their only full-length album, 2014’s American Empire, TS&TS provided the same immersive atmospheric experience as its predecessor. It’s a shame this band didn’t receive attention in line with the immense talent.
9. Amber Run – I Found (2015)
I don’t even remember how I found Amber Run (no pun intended). What I do know is, upon seeing the video for this song, I was blown away by the haunting melody and the emotion put out by the vocals as well as the instrumentation. This song should be all over movie trailers and awful television shows. Make it happen, 2020!
8. Hyland – The One That Got Away (2011)
Catchy hook? Check. Pop punk-styled song about love that doesn’t seem to want to work out? Check. An inspired guest appearance by Anberlin’s Stephen Christian? Check. This track has all the makings of a keeper, yet it went fairly unnoticed, as did Hyland themselves. I’m not sure if it was because the rest of their stuff hit more in the Contemporary Christian sweet spot than pop punk, but this track is solid and definitely deserves a spin.
7. Twenty Twenty – Get Down (2011)
Somewhere in that British powerpop sweet spot between pop punk and boy band was Twenty Twenty. Get Down was one of the catchiest tunes I heard all decade, and it amazes me it didn’t get more play. Who knows, with the year 2020 on the horizon, might these guys make a comeback?
6. Hit the Lights – Float Through Me (2012)
In 2012, Hit the Lights took a detour from their usual pop punk stuff with Invicta, an album which saw them expand their sound for a much bigger, more atmospheric turn. Float Through Me perfectly embodied this turn, and I was very surprised to see the band return to their roots for their next album rather than pursue this stylistic change.
5. Jimmy Eat World – Cut (2010)
It feels almost wrong putting Jimmy Eat World on this list, but as a band with such a strong back catalog who put out a rousing 4 more albums in the 2010s, it could be easy for some of their work to slip through the cracks. On 2010’s Invented, the band put a premium on songwriting perspective. Cut is a searing tale of a relationship that has reached its expiration date. Listen and hurt.
4. Kids in Glass Houses – Stormchasers (2013)
Kids in Glass Houses have been dormant for the better part of the decade, which makes it easy to forget that they put out 3 albums within the first four years of the 2010s. By 2013 hit, the momentum that once was there seemed to have dissipated, and their final effort to date, Peace, was unfortunately overlooked. By the time the final chorus soars, it rings as an anthem toward weathering life’s storms no matter how disoriented we may be by them.
3. Have Mercy – Ghost (2017)
Brian Swindle knows how to throw a gut punch, that’s for sure. While conveying joy through music seemed to be the way to make money this decade (look no further than Pharrell Williams’ Happy), it takes a true artist to channel pain and failures into something relatable. Ghost softly takes the pain of loss and bargains for the lost to remain as a ghost in order to still be able to feel that presence. I heard the song shortly after Myrna’s exit from my life, and it hit like a ton of bricks.
2. The Graduate – End of the World Delight (2010)
I have spent many words discussing this band over the past decade. They entered my life when I need them, and nearly as quickly, they were gone. In an equitable world, Only Every Time would have received the same acclaim as fun.’s Some Nights, and these guys would have been cleaning up at the Grammys in 2012 or so. That didn’t happen, and as a result, most of the world missed out on these guys. While virtually every song from OET was a masterpiece, End of the World Delight encapsulates millennial existentialism better than perhaps any other song.
1. Day at the Fair – Thankful (2017)
Very rarely does a band, let alone a band which has been largely dormant for 15 years, create songs which create profound impact during two different generations of your life, but Day at the Fair did that for me. If you know me well, you know that Everything I’ve Ever Wanted from The Rocking Chair Years is my favorite song in the entire world. Over a decade after that song released, the guys put out an EP entitled The Epilogue. The energy and maturity in this album was what you would expect from guys who left the scene entirely to start families and work “traditional” jobs. Thankful is a 7 minute emotional experience. Stylistically, in many ways it is the successor to Monday Morning and Homesick Angels. The message of gratitude through growth, failure, and change is a message which hits harder after each successive listen. I actually play this song at the end of each school year as I give students personal letters I have written to each of them. I have witnessed more emotion as a result of this song than any other!
For one reason or another, the music that hits our ears at the mall, the gym, or the hair salon is not always the “best” music, or at least not the music that resonates most with us. The music that makes the most money is not always the most technically sound or the most emotionally relevant; instead, high ranking producers and executives sometimes strap a rocket to a particular sound or brand to penetrate our ears and general consciousness. My preferred genre (pop punk) has not been relevant on mainstream airwaves for the better part of a decade, yet even within genres, artists, albums, and songs can slip through the cracks. Each of these tracks has made its mark on me over the course of the decade, and I do not feel as though I should keep these songs to myself. I humbly present to you 10 of the greatest songs from the 2010s you probably never heard.
10. The Sun and the Sea – Drive Me Home (2014)
After The Graduate ran its course, the guys diverged in a number of different directions. One of those directions was in a new band named The Sun and the Sea. While I certainly do not know what a third Graduate album would have sounded like, the band was probably as close to a spiritual successor to the band as we’ll ever have. From their only full-length album, 2014’s American Empire, TS&TS provided the same immersive atmospheric experience as its predecessor. It’s a shame this band didn’t receive attention in line with the immense talent.
9. Amber Run – I Found (2015)
I don’t even remember how I found Amber Run (no pun intended). What I do know is, upon seeing the video for this song, I was blown away by the haunting melody and the emotion put out by the vocals as well as the instrumentation. This song should be all over movie trailers and awful television shows. Make it happen, 2020!
8. Hyland – The One That Got Away (2011)
Catchy hook? Check. Pop punk-styled song about love that doesn’t seem to want to work out? Check. An inspired guest appearance by Anberlin’s Stephen Christian? Check. This track has all the makings of a keeper, yet it went fairly unnoticed, as did Hyland themselves. I’m not sure if it was because the rest of their stuff hit more in the Contemporary Christian sweet spot than pop punk, but this track is solid and definitely deserves a spin.
7. Twenty Twenty – Get Down (2011)
Somewhere in that British powerpop sweet spot between pop punk and boy band was Twenty Twenty. Get Down was one of the catchiest tunes I heard all decade, and it amazes me it didn’t get more play. Who knows, with the year 2020 on the horizon, might these guys make a comeback?
6. Hit the Lights – Float Through Me (2012)
In 2012, Hit the Lights took a detour from their usual pop punk stuff with Invicta, an album which saw them expand their sound for a much bigger, more atmospheric turn. Float Through Me perfectly embodied this turn, and I was very surprised to see the band return to their roots for their next album rather than pursue this stylistic change.
5. Jimmy Eat World – Cut (2010)
It feels almost wrong putting Jimmy Eat World on this list, but as a band with such a strong back catalog who put out a rousing 4 more albums in the 2010s, it could be easy for some of their work to slip through the cracks. On 2010’s Invented, the band put a premium on songwriting perspective. Cut is a searing tale of a relationship that has reached its expiration date. Listen and hurt.
4. Kids in Glass Houses – Stormchasers (2013)
Kids in Glass Houses have been dormant for the better part of the decade, which makes it easy to forget that they put out 3 albums within the first four years of the 2010s. By 2013 hit, the momentum that once was there seemed to have dissipated, and their final effort to date, Peace, was unfortunately overlooked. By the time the final chorus soars, it rings as an anthem toward weathering life’s storms no matter how disoriented we may be by them.
3. Have Mercy – Ghost (2017)
Brian Swindle knows how to throw a gut punch, that’s for sure. While conveying joy through music seemed to be the way to make money this decade (look no further than Pharrell Williams’ Happy), it takes a true artist to channel pain and failures into something relatable. Ghost softly takes the pain of loss and bargains for the lost to remain as a ghost in order to still be able to feel that presence. I heard the song shortly after Myrna’s exit from my life, and it hit like a ton of bricks.
2. The Graduate – End of the World Delight (2010)
I have spent many words discussing this band over the past decade. They entered my life when I need them, and nearly as quickly, they were gone. In an equitable world, Only Every Time would have received the same acclaim as fun.’s Some Nights, and these guys would have been cleaning up at the Grammys in 2012 or so. That didn’t happen, and as a result, most of the world missed out on these guys. While virtually every song from OET was a masterpiece, End of the World Delight encapsulates millennial existentialism better than perhaps any other song.
1. Day at the Fair – Thankful (2017)
Very rarely does a band, let alone a band which has been largely dormant for 15 years, create songs which create profound impact during two different generations of your life, but Day at the Fair did that for me. If you know me well, you know that Everything I’ve Ever Wanted from The Rocking Chair Years is my favorite song in the entire world. Over a decade after that song released, the guys put out an EP entitled The Epilogue. The energy and maturity in this album was what you would expect from guys who left the scene entirely to start families and work “traditional” jobs. Thankful is a 7 minute emotional experience. Stylistically, in many ways it is the successor to Monday Morning and Homesick Angels. The message of gratitude through growth, failure, and change is a message which hits harder after each successive listen. I actually play this song at the end of each school year as I give students personal letters I have written to each of them. I have witnessed more emotion as a result of this song than any other!
Sunday, July 7, 2019
In Appreciation of Dolph Ziggler (and why it means so much to meet him this week)
Any time my students or other acquaintances find out that I am a fan of WWE, the second question (after the “You know it’s fake, right?”) I get is “Well, who’s your favorite wrestler?” I don’t know who they expect me to say, but when I tell them Dolph Ziggler, I often get responses ranging from amused to bewildered. The follow-up question is “Why?” My usual go-to is “Because his career mirrors my own life in many ways” and then I mumble something to change the subject. It’s a lot more than that, though. I’ve never felt such a personal connection to the success of someone else, but the more I think about it, the more I understand it. Dolph Ziggler is every one of us.
Dolph Ziggler is every one of us who has ever been set up to fail.
Many of us have entered a new job in which we, quite honestly, are not expected to succeed and have not been given much guidance to do so. I have walked into classrooms with no curricula, literal mounds of trash, and various dead animals and was basically told to figure it out. I wanted to quit. More accurately, I wanted to crawl into the fetal position and cry. But you will never get to where you want to be by giving up. Sometimes, you have to make something out of nothing. Dolph Ziggler is proof of that.
In 2005, Nick Nemeth was brought up to the main roster to be the personal “caddy” for a white golfer who neither golfed nor was white. I don’t think Shakespeare or Hemingway could have pulled a captivating endgame from that premise. After a couple months, Nemeth was gone. When he came back, he was repackaged as Nicky, a member of a five-man cheerleading group, the Spirit Squad. Again, not a lot of forward traction, especially when he was treated as maybe the 4th best guy out of the group. Once again, he was sent back down to developmental. When he returned, he was Dolph Ziggler.
You can tell if WWE has big plans for someone based on how they are introduced to the audience. John Cena took Kurt Angle to the limit. The Shield debuted on Survivor Series by interfering In the main event. Kevin Owens left John Cena in a heap. Dolph Ziggler was introduced to the audience… by quite literally introducing himself to everyone he came into contact with. Most guys get easy matches on tv to introduce them to the audience. Dolph Ziggler had to step into the ring with Batista. This should have failed.
Someone who was introduced as basically a joke on THREE separate occasions shouldn’t last more than a year. Dolph Ziggler has been there for FOURTEEN. The guy saw what would have been a dead end gimmick and by hard work and talent has been rewarded with reigns with nearly every title he could win. He looked his fate square in the eyes and said “I’m too good for that.” That attitude has inspired me to reach personal and professional heights that didn’t seem possible.
Dolph Ziggler is everyone who has ever been passed over for the latest and greatest and is the wingman who makes everyone else look good.
Most of us have been there. The promotion, the relationship, the thing we’ve waited FOREVER to achieve, and it’s about to be ours when riiiight at the worst possible moment, someone less deserving swoops in and gets it. I lost on my first dream job at the last second due to nepotism. I’ve had relationships turn on a dime because someone else entered the picture.
My bias may be showing here, but I don’t care. Coming out of Survivor Series 2014, Dolph Ziggler was set up perfectly to be the next WWE Champion. I understand that the WWE is very much like a movie and different people are given different roles, but he should have been the leading man at that point in time. He got passed over for a new toy. This happened far too often. For a two year stretch, DZ was used almost exclusively as the vehicle for getting the new toys set up to succeed. Sheamus (post-Mohawk), Nakamura, Corbin, Roode, etc…all of them rose by climbing the back of Dolph Ziggler. It’s great to be a valuable piece (that jack of all trades at work, the understanding friend), but there are moments where you want more. As a fan, I want the best for Dolph.
Dolph once had a shirt that said “It’s too bad I’m too good”. It’s funny and almost sad because it’s true. Because Dolph Ziggler has been so good at making his opponents look like gold in the ring (by using his own athleticism to make their moves look lethal), it’s been his job to make them look good. Guys get a bigger reaction to hitting their big moves on Dolph because he makes those moves count. Every now and then it would be nice for them to repay him the favor, though.
Dolph Ziggler is hope. Dolph Ziggler is despair.
We all want to believe that things are going to change in our lives, that finally THIS opportunity is going to be the one that’s different. We go into it with the notion that it may not go our way, but that doesn’t stop our heart from hoping. We finally get to that moment where we give our best effort to that opportunity, only for it to not go our way. Even though we were prepared for the worst, it doesn’t cushion the blow as much as we would like for it to do.
As a longtime fan of Dolph Ziggler, I am conditioned to expect the worst in big matches. Once every year or two, Dolph will find his way into a match for the WWE Championship, the title I always dreamed of holding as a kid and to me, THE measuring stick in all of pro wrestling. Though Dolph is a two-time former world champion, it was not that particular title. Every time he finds his way into one of these matches I live vicariously and hope beyond hope that he has been chosen for this opportunity to bear that flag as champion, and every time it *almost* happens but doesn’t. I know Nic Nemeth the person is probably content with the chance to live his childhood dream and pursue his other passions (comedy, political commentary) while earning an income that as an educator I could only dream of, but I will always cheer for him to reach the top. With DZ and in life, through every disappointment, there is hope that next time will finally be the time.
When Jakob Meets Dolph
This Wednesday, I have the opportunity to come face to face with someone I look up to when I see Dolph's comedy tour and participate in the VIP meet and greet in Appleton, Wisconsin. Though I’ve seen him wrestle live a few times (I was actually there when he lost the World Title in 2013) and we’ve interacted on Twitter, I’ve never gotten to meet the guy. I don’t know how much of this I’ll get to say to his face, but I am so thankful for his example of hard work, perseverance, trusting your ability, and making something out of nothing. It is an example I try to follow every day as a man, as a teacher, as a grad school student, and as a friend to others. Following his career has had a significant impact on the person I am today, and whether or not I ultimately reach the pinnacle of success in my field, I will continue to press onward no matter what.
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
Done with 31
As I sit here and reflect on the year that I spent as a 31 year old (a number that I did always like), it was one of those years which on the surface felt like a generic slog but truly was much more. I learned a great deal from others but also a great deal about myself. It was a year sprinkled with both successes and adversity, new beginnings and bittersweet endings. I gained friends but lost some (and another grandparent). I had a few illnesses over the year, which is a rarity for me, and I found myself mentally and physically exhausted on numerous occasions. Yet through it all, I have a calm I've never had before.
If you have been keeping up with this blog at all over the past 14(!) years, you have probably noticed I have written with much less frequency (but hopefully with equal intensity). While part of that can be attributed to being an adult who works and goes to grad school full time, there is a larger underlying reason. For years I used this blog as an outlet to say the things I never had the courage or audacity to say out loud. This *was* my voice. At some point, I found my voice. I learned how to fight for those I care about, for the causes I believe in, and for myself. I have less of a pressing need to use this to share my thoughts because, if you are around me with any modicum of frequency, you already know those thoughts.
That confidence has been accompanied by a measure of fearlessness and in turn with a measure of peace and calm. Life is going to put mountains in my way, and either I will conquer them or I won't. I accept what is mine to accept and purpose to fight the things that are mine to fight. I've failed a few times this past year, and with each failure I realize that these setbacks are neither final nor fatal. I will, or I won't, but no matter what, I won't let it destroy me from the inside.
I've learned a couple other valuable lessons in this past year. At the end of the day, my behavioral responsibilities can be simplified to two categories: how I act and how I react. I have no control on the others around me, but I am in complete control of my responses and approaches to them. This school year, I can count on one hand the amount of times I have had to raise my voice. You might read that as passive resignation and assume my classroom is a madhouse. You would be unequivocally wrong. I have had better control of my classes as a direct result. Radiate calm and peace, and you will reap the benefits.
I have also learned how small the world truly is and how some things we see as impossible are merely man-made mountains. I had over a dozen Twitter interactions with my favorite WWE superstar this past year. I conversed with my #1 celebrity crush (Victoria Justice). I have built meaningful friendships with bands I looked up to in college. People who left my life long ago found their way back through coincidence. Heck, Myrna even resurfaced (but let's not get into that). From this point on, I refuse to view anything as impossible. I accept improbability, but I refuse to be defeated by anyone or anything.
As I reach 32, I hope to continue learning and staying two steps ahead of Father Time. Thank you for listening to me, believing in me, noticing me, and accepting me. You are wonderful, and I wouldn't be who I am without you. Onward and upward!
If you have been keeping up with this blog at all over the past 14(!) years, you have probably noticed I have written with much less frequency (but hopefully with equal intensity). While part of that can be attributed to being an adult who works and goes to grad school full time, there is a larger underlying reason. For years I used this blog as an outlet to say the things I never had the courage or audacity to say out loud. This *was* my voice. At some point, I found my voice. I learned how to fight for those I care about, for the causes I believe in, and for myself. I have less of a pressing need to use this to share my thoughts because, if you are around me with any modicum of frequency, you already know those thoughts.
That confidence has been accompanied by a measure of fearlessness and in turn with a measure of peace and calm. Life is going to put mountains in my way, and either I will conquer them or I won't. I accept what is mine to accept and purpose to fight the things that are mine to fight. I've failed a few times this past year, and with each failure I realize that these setbacks are neither final nor fatal. I will, or I won't, but no matter what, I won't let it destroy me from the inside.
I've learned a couple other valuable lessons in this past year. At the end of the day, my behavioral responsibilities can be simplified to two categories: how I act and how I react. I have no control on the others around me, but I am in complete control of my responses and approaches to them. This school year, I can count on one hand the amount of times I have had to raise my voice. You might read that as passive resignation and assume my classroom is a madhouse. You would be unequivocally wrong. I have had better control of my classes as a direct result. Radiate calm and peace, and you will reap the benefits.
I have also learned how small the world truly is and how some things we see as impossible are merely man-made mountains. I had over a dozen Twitter interactions with my favorite WWE superstar this past year. I conversed with my #1 celebrity crush (Victoria Justice). I have built meaningful friendships with bands I looked up to in college. People who left my life long ago found their way back through coincidence. Heck, Myrna even resurfaced (but let's not get into that). From this point on, I refuse to view anything as impossible. I accept improbability, but I refuse to be defeated by anyone or anything.
As I reach 32, I hope to continue learning and staying two steps ahead of Father Time. Thank you for listening to me, believing in me, noticing me, and accepting me. You are wonderful, and I wouldn't be who I am without you. Onward and upward!
Friday, January 4, 2019
2018 in Review
Thanks for putting up with the delay. From being out of town for the holidays and the subsequent readjustment, this post is a bit later than I'd prefer. 2018 was not the painful experience that 2017 was, yet it was often absent of the joy that filled 2015, 2016, and even early 2017. In many ways, I continued the ascent as I had hoped and written at the beginning of 2018. The passivity that plagued much of my existence has greatly dissipated, and my self-awareness is heightened beyond what I could have imagined just a few years ago. While it is my sincerest hope that this piece of writing is of interest to you, the reader, this exercise is largely put in place for me to look back on this particular time unit somewhere down the road. For your benefit and mine, I have separated the year into thematic sections. For the 15th consecutive year, this is my year in review.
The Ever-Moving Goalposts (Work)
My second year at Kellar wrapped up without much issue. This group of students, just like their predecessors, took the Constitution Test seriously and made me look good in the process. It was likely this success that led to change in both components of my teaching assignment. My work with this particular group of students was not yet complete. When they moved to 8th grade, so did I. I was excited for that challenge and to work with the 9th grade team, though I had a hard time leaving my 7th grade team, the most cohesive team I have ever had the opportunity to join. However, I was not quite excited to have to give up teaching social studies to move over to writing. While you all know that I enjoy recreational writing (and often have plenty to say), I have always viewed writing as more of a hobby than as a career. That said, I have embraced the opportunity to incorporate thematic writing units of my choosing. In September, we engaged in a mini-unit in accordance with Suicide Prevention Week. In December, students learned about holiday traditions around the world, and some brought their own traditions into my classroom. It has been a unique experience to teach basically the same group for two years in a row, but I would like to think we have grown together (even amidst the chaos around us).
A bittersweet component of 2018 was having to say goodbye to my first Kellar group and see them graduate and move on to high school. There were 7-8 boys who made a point of visiting my classroom at least once a day (sometimes multiple times) just to check in and get my feedback and advice. One of the highlights of my year was to spend a number of January and February afternoons watching two of my girls dominate the volleyball court. I miss them every day (though I keep pictures of about 10 of them on my desk), but I am so proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming. And who knows? Maybe I have a bit more to teach them too...
Trudging Through (Grad School)
I knew that 2018 was going to be a year of hard work and little movement. There are periods that are foundational that serve to lay the groundwork for big things in the future. 2018 was foundational, especially in terms of grad school. I completed 24 more credits of my doctoral program, pushing me to 43 completed credits with 21 credits (and a dissertation to go). I had the privilege of learning with and from some very talented individuals who have a vast array of life experiences (from martial arts instructors to hospital administrators to former coordinators in China). The feedback that I have received from these individuals lets me know that I can do it. As long as I can keep my focus and drive, I WILL do it.
Life: The Continuum of Gain and Loss
If there is a lesson that continues to present itself in my nearly 32 years on this planet, it is that neither good nor bad possess any permanence. Enjoy the good times, for they will not last. Endure the hard times, for they not eternal. This year was more of the same. It is always a highlight to visit my niece, Hadley. My brother in law's job sent him from Maryland to San Diego, California, this year, so my visits took me coast to coast. I love seeing her, but it is always difficult to leave (especially as she gets older and understands leaving).
In January, Myrna crawled out of whatever hole she had sequestered herself in to make contact with me. We talked a little and she asked me if we could talk again soon. She never resurfaced, and it hurt. I admit that I am not fully over that, but at least I am no longer deluding myself into believing that I was. I made a number of new friends in 2018. Some lasted only for a season; others stuck around. In June, I started seeing a girl. We went out a bunch of times in a short period of time, and it ended almost as quickly. It happens! I have had lifelong friends fade away, and a friend who had helped me through a lot of things virtually disappeared. On the other hand, there are people I thought I would never hear from again who resurfaced in 2018. I accept the ebbs and flows that life provides, that for every new beginning (the trip to Missouri for Mike and Annie's wedding), there is an end (the passing of my grandma after a quick but strong illness).
I don't know that I have fully grasped the idea that both of my grandmothers are now gone. I tried to mentally prepare myself for this reality the last few years that both were living, but the reality is that certain things cannot be handled through preparation but rather through experience. It has made me a lot more nostalgic, especially as I realize the consistent holiday traditions I had for much of the first 30 years of my life will never happen again. i accept this (like I have much of a choice), and embrace what life has in store for me next.
Music: Saving Me, Moving Me, Making Me Feel Again
2018 was a year that presented opportunities to see a lot of live music. Those of you who follow me on Instagram know that I am an avid collector of vinyl records, and while I am very proud of my collection, I am very pleased that I had the opportunity to see and be moved by some of my favorite bands in person. Music brought me to 1 festival and three concerts in three different states.
In May, my friend Whitney put up a post on Facebook to see if anyone would be interested in going with her to see The Used in concert. It was close to the end of my school year, and I needed a bit of a mental break from everything, so I said that I'd go and made the 3 hour drive to Fort Wayne, Indiana, to make it happen. I am so happy that I did. It was nice to meet up in person with a longtime online friend, and The Used put on an incredibly energetic performance.
In late spring, one of my favorite bands, Day at the Fair, announced they were playing a benefit show in New Jersey in June. I had been planning to visit my sister in Maryland that weekend anyway, so the stars aligned for me to start my trip a day early to go to New Jersey to see that show. I've gotten to know Chris, Todd, and Rob (and his wife, Kim) over the years through Facebook and this blog, and I was excited to get to finally meet them in person. Let me tell you, not only have they created music that has connected with my spirit, they are some of the most wonderful people I have ever encountered. From meeting me at the door to taking me backstage with them to Kim staying with me the whole show, I felt like I was part of a scene that came and went long before I was even aware of its existence. When the band played my favorite song in the world (Everything I've Ever Wanted) and surprised me by dedicating it to me, it was a gesture that moved me beyond what these words can express. For that, I thank you.
In July, I made the decision to go to Warped Tour because it was its last countrywide tour. Because of rain on the Tinley date, I decided to take the trek up to Milwaukee to see Warped there. The Warped experience is a really unique one, because even though I might not look like a pop punk or emo kid on the outside with my beard, professionally coifed hair, and Express wardrobe, it's a place where I really feel comfortable. I got to finally meet Lindsey for the first time at that show, and she was kind enough to let me tag along with her people for a couple sets. Over the course of the day, I got to see 20 bands, some of which I have been a fan for more than a decade, others who recently entered my music library. I got to hear As It Is perform "No Way Out", We the Kings perform "Check Yes Juliet", and State Champs steal the show. Unlike 2014, I did not get miserably ill after!
In October, I got to take my friend Jaclyn to see her favorite band, Neck Deep, perform at the same place in Indiana that I had seen The Used. We sprung for the VIP tickets, which included an acoustic set from the band and a meet and greet with them. Being the sarcastic teacher that I am, I could not help but make some silly comments in response to the more asinine questions the band received, but nobody was offended and everyone had a good laugh. In addition to Neck Deep, WSTR, Trophy Eyes, and Stand Atlantic also performed. I had the opportunity to meet Bonnie from Stand Atlantic. It was a really fun night.
While I like to consider myself a thoughtful person (and certainly introspective), I am not an outwardly emotional person. Yet, music was directly responsible for bringing me to tears in public on two separate occasions. First, Mayday Parade (a band which I discovered through Jannelle, which already brings emotional ties with it), played "Oh Well, Oh Well". The words of the bridge hit me like a brick, and all the pain that I had pent up from the Myrna situation came rushing out. Before I realized it, liquid was coming out of my eyes! I thought that would never happen again -- until it did. During the Neck Deep set, Ben Barlow was introducing "19 Seventy Sumthin'", the story about his parent's love and the subsequent loss of his father. The sincerity and transparency in his words when discussing the events that led him to pen the song and the emotions that followed moved me in a way I was unsure I could be moved at this point in my life. When I cried during the Mayday Parade song, it was about my own life and missing Myrna. In this case, it was someone else's story that moved me to tears. I am so thankful for music that helps me connect to those parts of me that I do not always have easy access to.
The Knockdowns
The year was exhausting. My exercise habits at the start of the year were much stronger than at the end of the year. I lost focus and got tired out. I felt weary. I got sick for two and a half years in December and missed the gym for a month. The Seahawks game I attended in Chicago went poorly. At times, I embraced old habits. That said, of everything that knocked me down, NOTHING knocked me out. 2018 made me more keenly aware of weaknesses and trouble areas to either avoid or embrace and strengthen. Every lesson I learned was valuable, and I take these lessons with me moving forward.
What's Next?
2019, like 2018, will be largely foundational, but as we are nearing the emergence of the fruits of my labor, it will be very important for me to plow ahead and make things happen. Soon I will be posting my goals and outlook for 2019. Without spoiling too much, I am grounded yet optimistic for what is to come. Whether you have been in my life for 20+ years or a few months, whether you have yo-yo'ed in and out of my life over the years, whether you have decided to get off this train, I thank you for spending a portion of this journey with me. Onward and upward.
The Ever-Moving Goalposts (Work)
My second year at Kellar wrapped up without much issue. This group of students, just like their predecessors, took the Constitution Test seriously and made me look good in the process. It was likely this success that led to change in both components of my teaching assignment. My work with this particular group of students was not yet complete. When they moved to 8th grade, so did I. I was excited for that challenge and to work with the 9th grade team, though I had a hard time leaving my 7th grade team, the most cohesive team I have ever had the opportunity to join. However, I was not quite excited to have to give up teaching social studies to move over to writing. While you all know that I enjoy recreational writing (and often have plenty to say), I have always viewed writing as more of a hobby than as a career. That said, I have embraced the opportunity to incorporate thematic writing units of my choosing. In September, we engaged in a mini-unit in accordance with Suicide Prevention Week. In December, students learned about holiday traditions around the world, and some brought their own traditions into my classroom. It has been a unique experience to teach basically the same group for two years in a row, but I would like to think we have grown together (even amidst the chaos around us).
A bittersweet component of 2018 was having to say goodbye to my first Kellar group and see them graduate and move on to high school. There were 7-8 boys who made a point of visiting my classroom at least once a day (sometimes multiple times) just to check in and get my feedback and advice. One of the highlights of my year was to spend a number of January and February afternoons watching two of my girls dominate the volleyball court. I miss them every day (though I keep pictures of about 10 of them on my desk), but I am so proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming. And who knows? Maybe I have a bit more to teach them too...
Trudging Through (Grad School)
I knew that 2018 was going to be a year of hard work and little movement. There are periods that are foundational that serve to lay the groundwork for big things in the future. 2018 was foundational, especially in terms of grad school. I completed 24 more credits of my doctoral program, pushing me to 43 completed credits with 21 credits (and a dissertation to go). I had the privilege of learning with and from some very talented individuals who have a vast array of life experiences (from martial arts instructors to hospital administrators to former coordinators in China). The feedback that I have received from these individuals lets me know that I can do it. As long as I can keep my focus and drive, I WILL do it.
Life: The Continuum of Gain and Loss
If there is a lesson that continues to present itself in my nearly 32 years on this planet, it is that neither good nor bad possess any permanence. Enjoy the good times, for they will not last. Endure the hard times, for they not eternal. This year was more of the same. It is always a highlight to visit my niece, Hadley. My brother in law's job sent him from Maryland to San Diego, California, this year, so my visits took me coast to coast. I love seeing her, but it is always difficult to leave (especially as she gets older and understands leaving).
In January, Myrna crawled out of whatever hole she had sequestered herself in to make contact with me. We talked a little and she asked me if we could talk again soon. She never resurfaced, and it hurt. I admit that I am not fully over that, but at least I am no longer deluding myself into believing that I was. I made a number of new friends in 2018. Some lasted only for a season; others stuck around. In June, I started seeing a girl. We went out a bunch of times in a short period of time, and it ended almost as quickly. It happens! I have had lifelong friends fade away, and a friend who had helped me through a lot of things virtually disappeared. On the other hand, there are people I thought I would never hear from again who resurfaced in 2018. I accept the ebbs and flows that life provides, that for every new beginning (the trip to Missouri for Mike and Annie's wedding), there is an end (the passing of my grandma after a quick but strong illness).
I don't know that I have fully grasped the idea that both of my grandmothers are now gone. I tried to mentally prepare myself for this reality the last few years that both were living, but the reality is that certain things cannot be handled through preparation but rather through experience. It has made me a lot more nostalgic, especially as I realize the consistent holiday traditions I had for much of the first 30 years of my life will never happen again. i accept this (like I have much of a choice), and embrace what life has in store for me next.
Music: Saving Me, Moving Me, Making Me Feel Again
2018 was a year that presented opportunities to see a lot of live music. Those of you who follow me on Instagram know that I am an avid collector of vinyl records, and while I am very proud of my collection, I am very pleased that I had the opportunity to see and be moved by some of my favorite bands in person. Music brought me to 1 festival and three concerts in three different states.
In May, my friend Whitney put up a post on Facebook to see if anyone would be interested in going with her to see The Used in concert. It was close to the end of my school year, and I needed a bit of a mental break from everything, so I said that I'd go and made the 3 hour drive to Fort Wayne, Indiana, to make it happen. I am so happy that I did. It was nice to meet up in person with a longtime online friend, and The Used put on an incredibly energetic performance.
In late spring, one of my favorite bands, Day at the Fair, announced they were playing a benefit show in New Jersey in June. I had been planning to visit my sister in Maryland that weekend anyway, so the stars aligned for me to start my trip a day early to go to New Jersey to see that show. I've gotten to know Chris, Todd, and Rob (and his wife, Kim) over the years through Facebook and this blog, and I was excited to get to finally meet them in person. Let me tell you, not only have they created music that has connected with my spirit, they are some of the most wonderful people I have ever encountered. From meeting me at the door to taking me backstage with them to Kim staying with me the whole show, I felt like I was part of a scene that came and went long before I was even aware of its existence. When the band played my favorite song in the world (Everything I've Ever Wanted) and surprised me by dedicating it to me, it was a gesture that moved me beyond what these words can express. For that, I thank you.
In July, I made the decision to go to Warped Tour because it was its last countrywide tour. Because of rain on the Tinley date, I decided to take the trek up to Milwaukee to see Warped there. The Warped experience is a really unique one, because even though I might not look like a pop punk or emo kid on the outside with my beard, professionally coifed hair, and Express wardrobe, it's a place where I really feel comfortable. I got to finally meet Lindsey for the first time at that show, and she was kind enough to let me tag along with her people for a couple sets. Over the course of the day, I got to see 20 bands, some of which I have been a fan for more than a decade, others who recently entered my music library. I got to hear As It Is perform "No Way Out", We the Kings perform "Check Yes Juliet", and State Champs steal the show. Unlike 2014, I did not get miserably ill after!
In October, I got to take my friend Jaclyn to see her favorite band, Neck Deep, perform at the same place in Indiana that I had seen The Used. We sprung for the VIP tickets, which included an acoustic set from the band and a meet and greet with them. Being the sarcastic teacher that I am, I could not help but make some silly comments in response to the more asinine questions the band received, but nobody was offended and everyone had a good laugh. In addition to Neck Deep, WSTR, Trophy Eyes, and Stand Atlantic also performed. I had the opportunity to meet Bonnie from Stand Atlantic. It was a really fun night.
While I like to consider myself a thoughtful person (and certainly introspective), I am not an outwardly emotional person. Yet, music was directly responsible for bringing me to tears in public on two separate occasions. First, Mayday Parade (a band which I discovered through Jannelle, which already brings emotional ties with it), played "Oh Well, Oh Well". The words of the bridge hit me like a brick, and all the pain that I had pent up from the Myrna situation came rushing out. Before I realized it, liquid was coming out of my eyes! I thought that would never happen again -- until it did. During the Neck Deep set, Ben Barlow was introducing "19 Seventy Sumthin'", the story about his parent's love and the subsequent loss of his father. The sincerity and transparency in his words when discussing the events that led him to pen the song and the emotions that followed moved me in a way I was unsure I could be moved at this point in my life. When I cried during the Mayday Parade song, it was about my own life and missing Myrna. In this case, it was someone else's story that moved me to tears. I am so thankful for music that helps me connect to those parts of me that I do not always have easy access to.
The Knockdowns
The year was exhausting. My exercise habits at the start of the year were much stronger than at the end of the year. I lost focus and got tired out. I felt weary. I got sick for two and a half years in December and missed the gym for a month. The Seahawks game I attended in Chicago went poorly. At times, I embraced old habits. That said, of everything that knocked me down, NOTHING knocked me out. 2018 made me more keenly aware of weaknesses and trouble areas to either avoid or embrace and strengthen. Every lesson I learned was valuable, and I take these lessons with me moving forward.
What's Next?
2019, like 2018, will be largely foundational, but as we are nearing the emergence of the fruits of my labor, it will be very important for me to plow ahead and make things happen. Soon I will be posting my goals and outlook for 2019. Without spoiling too much, I am grounded yet optimistic for what is to come. Whether you have been in my life for 20+ years or a few months, whether you have yo-yo'ed in and out of my life over the years, whether you have decided to get off this train, I thank you for spending a portion of this journey with me. Onward and upward.
Sunday, December 30, 2018
2018 in List Form
Hey, hey! It's been a little while. Given the busy nature of 2018, I do not have the time to update this as I did in years past (especially since my writing time is spent on grad school). That said, I absolutely was not going to let 2018 fade into the night without keeping my end of year writing traditions. 2018 was a great year for music, both with album releases and live shows that I was fortunate to attend. Because of the glut of wonderful music, I'll be rolling with a top 20 list for both songs and albums. As always, I throw out the disclaimer that these are merely my favorites and are by no means a definitive list of anything. The longer year in review post will still be happening shortly after this one.
Songs
1. Senses Fail - Shaking Hands
2. Trophy Eyes - I Can Feel It Calling
3. Mayday Parade - It's Hard to Be Religious When Certain People Are Never Incinerated by Bolts of Lightning
4. With Confidence - Moving Boxes
5. State Champs - Frozen
6. Slaves - I'd Rather See Your Star Explode
7. You Me At Six - Straight to My Head
8. Hawthorne Heights - Edge of Town
9. Good Charlotte - Actual Pain
10. LANY - I Don't Want to Love You Anymore
11. Stand Atlantic - Lavender Bones
12. The Wonder Years - Pyramids of Salt
13. Like Pacific - In Spite of Me
14. Joyce Manor - Friends We Met Online
15. WSTR - Silly Me
16. Death Cab For Cutie - Your Hurricane
17. Dashboard Confessional - We Fight
18. The 1975 - Be My Mistake
19. Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness - House in the Trees
20. This Wild Life - Westlife
Albums
1. State Champs – Living Proof
2. Senses Fail - If There Is Light, It Will Find You
3. Trophy Eyes - The American Dream
4. Good Charlotte - Generation Rx
5. With Confidence - Love and Loathing
6. Hawthorne Heights - Bad Frequencies
7. Mayday Parade - Sunnyland
8. As It Is - The Great Depression
9. Ruston Kelly - Dying Star
10. The 1975 - A Brief Inquiry into Online Relationships
11. WSTR - Identity Crisis
12. The Wonder Years - Sister Cities
13. Stand Atlantic - Skinny Dipping
14. You Me At Six - VI
15. Dashboard Confessional - Crooked Shadows
16. The Dangerous Summer - The Dangerous Summer
17. Andrew W.K. - You're Not Alone
18. We the Kings - Six
19. This Wild Life - Petaluma
20. Like Pacific - In Spite of Me
TV Shows
1. NCIS: Los Angeles
2. Suits
3. Impractical Jokers
4. NCIS
5. The Edge and Christian Show (That Totally Reeks of Awesomeness)
Sports Moments
1. Seahawks clinch playoff spot by beating Chiefs on SNF
2. Dolph Ziggler wins Intercontinental Championship on Raw.
3. Becky Lynch was Last Woman Standing at Evolution
4. Seahawks dominate Vikings on MNF
5. Dolph Ziggler returns at Royal Rumble, causing me to pull a calf muscle and subsequently throw things when he got eliminated.
Personal Moments
As is the new norm, these will just be bullet points and in no particular order
•Seeing The Used and catching up with whitney and Stan
•Hearing a bunch of my favorite bands at Warped in Milwaukee (especially when As It Is played No Way Out and Mayday Parade performed Oh Well, Oh Well)
•Getting to finally meet Lindsey at Warped (keeping my fingers crossed that we can see some more music together in 2019)
•Haircuts with Amber
•Neck Deep, Stand Atlantic, WSTR, and Trophy Eyes with Jaclyn; getting to meet Neck Deep and Stand Atlantic
•Visiting Maryland in April, and June and getting an unexpected visit from Hadley in November
•8th grade graduation and the Blue and Gold Ball
•Continuing my doctoral journey, which is now two-thirds complete
•The new challenge of being a writing teacher and teaching the same students that I taught last year
•The many new people I met this year (mostly from Tinder), who all taught me something about myself and gave me clarity regarding what I want in my life moving forward
•Volleyball games and cheering for Alexis and Camila
•Going to Indiana for gummies(~!)
•Watching my students rock the Constitution Test again
•A trip to New Jersey to see Day at the Fair perform, to finally meet Rob, Kim, Chris, and Todd, and to not only hear my favorite song in the world but have it dedicated to me
•That one time I talked to Myrna in 2018
•Thanksgiving at the Smoljan residence
•Fortnite with Kenny and the squad
•The continued growth of my vinyl collection and the trips I'll make to Schaumburg and Bloomingdale to look for additions
Songs
1. Senses Fail - Shaking Hands
2. Trophy Eyes - I Can Feel It Calling
3. Mayday Parade - It's Hard to Be Religious When Certain People Are Never Incinerated by Bolts of Lightning
4. With Confidence - Moving Boxes
5. State Champs - Frozen
6. Slaves - I'd Rather See Your Star Explode
7. You Me At Six - Straight to My Head
8. Hawthorne Heights - Edge of Town
9. Good Charlotte - Actual Pain
10. LANY - I Don't Want to Love You Anymore
11. Stand Atlantic - Lavender Bones
12. The Wonder Years - Pyramids of Salt
13. Like Pacific - In Spite of Me
14. Joyce Manor - Friends We Met Online
15. WSTR - Silly Me
16. Death Cab For Cutie - Your Hurricane
17. Dashboard Confessional - We Fight
18. The 1975 - Be My Mistake
19. Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness - House in the Trees
20. This Wild Life - Westlife
Albums
1. State Champs – Living Proof
2. Senses Fail - If There Is Light, It Will Find You
3. Trophy Eyes - The American Dream
4. Good Charlotte - Generation Rx
5. With Confidence - Love and Loathing
6. Hawthorne Heights - Bad Frequencies
7. Mayday Parade - Sunnyland
8. As It Is - The Great Depression
9. Ruston Kelly - Dying Star
10. The 1975 - A Brief Inquiry into Online Relationships
11. WSTR - Identity Crisis
12. The Wonder Years - Sister Cities
13. Stand Atlantic - Skinny Dipping
14. You Me At Six - VI
15. Dashboard Confessional - Crooked Shadows
16. The Dangerous Summer - The Dangerous Summer
17. Andrew W.K. - You're Not Alone
18. We the Kings - Six
19. This Wild Life - Petaluma
20. Like Pacific - In Spite of Me
TV Shows
1. NCIS: Los Angeles
2. Suits
3. Impractical Jokers
4. NCIS
5. The Edge and Christian Show (That Totally Reeks of Awesomeness)
Sports Moments
1. Seahawks clinch playoff spot by beating Chiefs on SNF
2. Dolph Ziggler wins Intercontinental Championship on Raw.
3. Becky Lynch was Last Woman Standing at Evolution
4. Seahawks dominate Vikings on MNF
5. Dolph Ziggler returns at Royal Rumble, causing me to pull a calf muscle and subsequently throw things when he got eliminated.
Personal Moments
As is the new norm, these will just be bullet points and in no particular order
•Seeing The Used and catching up with whitney and Stan
•Hearing a bunch of my favorite bands at Warped in Milwaukee (especially when As It Is played No Way Out and Mayday Parade performed Oh Well, Oh Well)
•Getting to finally meet Lindsey at Warped (keeping my fingers crossed that we can see some more music together in 2019)
•Haircuts with Amber
•Neck Deep, Stand Atlantic, WSTR, and Trophy Eyes with Jaclyn; getting to meet Neck Deep and Stand Atlantic
•Visiting Maryland in April, and June and getting an unexpected visit from Hadley in November
•8th grade graduation and the Blue and Gold Ball
•Continuing my doctoral journey, which is now two-thirds complete
•The new challenge of being a writing teacher and teaching the same students that I taught last year
•The many new people I met this year (mostly from Tinder), who all taught me something about myself and gave me clarity regarding what I want in my life moving forward
•Volleyball games and cheering for Alexis and Camila
•Going to Indiana for gummies(~!)
•Watching my students rock the Constitution Test again
•A trip to New Jersey to see Day at the Fair perform, to finally meet Rob, Kim, Chris, and Todd, and to not only hear my favorite song in the world but have it dedicated to me
•That one time I talked to Myrna in 2018
•Thanksgiving at the Smoljan residence
•Fortnite with Kenny and the squad
•The continued growth of my vinyl collection and the trips I'll make to Schaumburg and Bloomingdale to look for additions
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
That's a Wrap on Another Lap (Around the Sun)
In general, we as humans enjoy over-simplification and compartmentalization as if both were beloved pastimes. Your humble author is plenty guilty of this as well. One would need only a cursory glance at my blog to find numerous examples of this. I know that evaluating a year in a vacuum is perhaps a foolhardy exercise and that years were merely meant to serve as a measurement of our planet’s revolution around the sun. That said, reflecting on the past 365 days and the growth (and occasional stagnation) is a nice simple way to put a bow on my year as a 30 year old.
Before I delve deeply into the reflection, I feel that there is something to share with you, something that most of you do not know.
I was inches away from not making it to 30, let alone 31.
Exactly one year ago, I came closer to death than I ever had to that point. It was a perfect storm of events. I was off work for my birthday (a Tuesday) but had to work on Monday. I decided to take a personal day as a gift to myself. A girl who I had met on Tinder but never dated had posted something on Snapchat about needing a ride to whatever the White Sox call their field now because she was working Opening Day. Since I had nothing better to do, I offered to give her a ride.
Shortly after dropping her off, I was redirected from my path home due to construction. To this day, I do not know if the school bus blew the red light or if I did (based on the lack of traffic otherwise, I am assuming it was the school bus), but a school bus was heading towards my driver’s side at 50 mph. I remember it so distinctly because the instant before I noticed, my music suddenly stopped playing. I then noticed the bus flying at me and stepped on my gas pedal as hard as I could. Another millisecond or another inch and that probably would have been the end of me.
Starting my year as a 30 year old on the heels of that event affected my outlook on the year as a whole, even though at that moment in time I had no idea how things were going to all shake out. It became important to me to live purposefully and with clarity in my words and actions.
I am by nature a reflective person, but one of the most valuable lessons I learned this year was to stop repetitively and methodically beating up myself over the “What ifs”. What if I had done this differently with Myrna? Would she still be around? I spent a number of restless nights on those questions before I realized the utterly pointless nature of the exercise. The reality is that I can only focus on the here and now. I cannot affect the hypotheticals; instead, my job is to exude strength and meaning in my actions and my reactions. At the end of the day, those actions and reactions are the truest power we have.
Most years run into one another, but there are certain “landmark” years in which I was able to look back and note a marked change or redirection in my life. 13 year old Jakob set the stage for my adolescence. 21 year old Jakob put the wheels into motion for the evolution of myself into the person that I always wanted to be. 24 year old Jakob found motivation that ever iteration since has used to drive progress and achievement. 30 year old Jakob is the Jakob that finally found strength. I found my voice, and I realized it was okay to step up and stand out because I am strong enough to handle the consequences, both good and bad. I found that even though it is great to have the support and company of others, I can do it alone and can get rid of those who no longer fit my mission and vision. Do I wish that strength did not come as a result of someone I loved leaving me? Of course. But if I have learned anything in this year, it is to leave the “What ifs” alone and replace them with “What is”.
This year was filled with both accomplishments and setbacks professionally, physically, and personally, but I like the direction things are going. There is much work to be done, and I am excited to make things happen. I always did like the number 31…
Before I delve deeply into the reflection, I feel that there is something to share with you, something that most of you do not know.
I was inches away from not making it to 30, let alone 31.
Exactly one year ago, I came closer to death than I ever had to that point. It was a perfect storm of events. I was off work for my birthday (a Tuesday) but had to work on Monday. I decided to take a personal day as a gift to myself. A girl who I had met on Tinder but never dated had posted something on Snapchat about needing a ride to whatever the White Sox call their field now because she was working Opening Day. Since I had nothing better to do, I offered to give her a ride.
Shortly after dropping her off, I was redirected from my path home due to construction. To this day, I do not know if the school bus blew the red light or if I did (based on the lack of traffic otherwise, I am assuming it was the school bus), but a school bus was heading towards my driver’s side at 50 mph. I remember it so distinctly because the instant before I noticed, my music suddenly stopped playing. I then noticed the bus flying at me and stepped on my gas pedal as hard as I could. Another millisecond or another inch and that probably would have been the end of me.
Starting my year as a 30 year old on the heels of that event affected my outlook on the year as a whole, even though at that moment in time I had no idea how things were going to all shake out. It became important to me to live purposefully and with clarity in my words and actions.
I am by nature a reflective person, but one of the most valuable lessons I learned this year was to stop repetitively and methodically beating up myself over the “What ifs”. What if I had done this differently with Myrna? Would she still be around? I spent a number of restless nights on those questions before I realized the utterly pointless nature of the exercise. The reality is that I can only focus on the here and now. I cannot affect the hypotheticals; instead, my job is to exude strength and meaning in my actions and my reactions. At the end of the day, those actions and reactions are the truest power we have.
Most years run into one another, but there are certain “landmark” years in which I was able to look back and note a marked change or redirection in my life. 13 year old Jakob set the stage for my adolescence. 21 year old Jakob put the wheels into motion for the evolution of myself into the person that I always wanted to be. 24 year old Jakob found motivation that ever iteration since has used to drive progress and achievement. 30 year old Jakob is the Jakob that finally found strength. I found my voice, and I realized it was okay to step up and stand out because I am strong enough to handle the consequences, both good and bad. I found that even though it is great to have the support and company of others, I can do it alone and can get rid of those who no longer fit my mission and vision. Do I wish that strength did not come as a result of someone I loved leaving me? Of course. But if I have learned anything in this year, it is to leave the “What ifs” alone and replace them with “What is”.
This year was filled with both accomplishments and setbacks professionally, physically, and personally, but I like the direction things are going. There is much work to be done, and I am excited to make things happen. I always did like the number 31…
Friday, January 5, 2018
2018: Continue the Ascent
By this point I am well aware that the beginning of a year does not possess any amount of magical powers that empower humanity to miraculously reach goals that were previously unattained. However, what a new year does do is provide both a figurative and literal fresh start and blank canvas upon which we can paint our year in the image we have envisioned for ourselves. While I do not necessarily make New Year’s resolutions, I do believe it is important to enter into a new year with a plan of action.
2017 was productive in many ways but painful in many others. I do feel that ultimately I progressed upward in my trajectory, but there is still work to be done. While thinking about what I ultimately want to accomplish in 2018, it was important that I was realistic with myself and did not make promises that I could not keep. For example, I could promise to write 30 posts in 2018, but the reality is that unless there is 30 posts worth of inspiration (of which I have no guarantee that there will be), it would a futile and frustrating endeavor. I cannot set goals that require actions from other individuals. I am only responsible for myself. That said, there is a great deal that I wish to accomplish in 2018. Here are some of the major highlights.
Complete at least 27 more hours of coursework in my doctoral program with at least a 3.9 GPA
To this point I have progressed well through the program. I have completed 7 credit hours and am about to receive credit for an additional 12 hours as a result of work I did while pursuing my master’s degree. I am no longer at the bottom of the mountain, but there is a long journey before I ascend to the peak. I am on track to complete a significant portion of that journey in 2018, and I have high standards for myself. Ultimately, I would love to maintain my 4.0 GPA, but I do not want to focus so hard on the grade that I neglect to totally immerse myself with the content. I want to succeed. I believe I will succeed. I just have to continue to do the work.
Strictly adhere to a daily schedule
I have personal, professional, educational, and physical goals. Sometimes it feels as though there are not enough hours in the day to attack all of these goals. To combat these feelings, I have comprised a daily schedule for myself that allows for each of these goals to be addressed. I was very good at maintaining a rigorous workout schedule during the first quarter of 2017, but as stress and disappointment began to pile up, I got off track. I am not going to allow myself to get off track in 2018. Once I fully adapt to having this daily routine, I believe I will be able to devote both the time and effort needed to relentlessly attack my goals.
Minimize processed sugar intake
Again, this was something that I excelled in maintaining during the first quarter of 2017. When life got tough, I sought out comfort in sugar. That is simply not going to be acceptable in 2017. I do not need soft drinks, energy drinks, or candy. Yes, some exceptions can be made during holidays, but not to the point that an entire diet can be thrown off.
Continue to seek out innovative ways of reaching students without losing what makes me special
Education is challenging because it is such a dynamic field. What’s new will become old, and what’s old will become new again. There is very little patience in seeing programs or initiatives through to the very end. As such, it can be very difficult as a teacher to accomplish the things you wish to accomplish whilst simultaneously appeasing the school or district higher-ups. It is my sincerest hope that I can balance the two (occasionally seemingly opposing) forces in a manner that still engages the student and allows me to still be me. Quite often this seems like a major conundrum, but I am confident that I can make it work.
Continue to find and develop the strength within
Life without Myrna as a regular stabilizing and balancing presence has been admittedly difficult, but what it has taught me is that I cannot rely on others to be my strength, my motivation, or my catalyst. I have to accomplish my goals and objectives through my own drive, determination, and strength. Yes, family and friends can provide support along the way, but the person getting things done for Jakob has to be Jakob. When she does return to having a regular presence in my life, I want to be strong enough to be able to do things and not come across as so needy. I’ve made a significant amount of headway in this regard. I must continue my ascent.
The goals I have for myself in 2018 are not new or unfamiliar. Much of the foundation has already been laid by the work I have done over the course of the past year. It will not be easy, but I’m moving in the right direction and already know the route I need to get to where I want to be. I look forward to continuing the ascent.
2017 was productive in many ways but painful in many others. I do feel that ultimately I progressed upward in my trajectory, but there is still work to be done. While thinking about what I ultimately want to accomplish in 2018, it was important that I was realistic with myself and did not make promises that I could not keep. For example, I could promise to write 30 posts in 2018, but the reality is that unless there is 30 posts worth of inspiration (of which I have no guarantee that there will be), it would a futile and frustrating endeavor. I cannot set goals that require actions from other individuals. I am only responsible for myself. That said, there is a great deal that I wish to accomplish in 2018. Here are some of the major highlights.
Complete at least 27 more hours of coursework in my doctoral program with at least a 3.9 GPA
To this point I have progressed well through the program. I have completed 7 credit hours and am about to receive credit for an additional 12 hours as a result of work I did while pursuing my master’s degree. I am no longer at the bottom of the mountain, but there is a long journey before I ascend to the peak. I am on track to complete a significant portion of that journey in 2018, and I have high standards for myself. Ultimately, I would love to maintain my 4.0 GPA, but I do not want to focus so hard on the grade that I neglect to totally immerse myself with the content. I want to succeed. I believe I will succeed. I just have to continue to do the work.
Strictly adhere to a daily schedule
I have personal, professional, educational, and physical goals. Sometimes it feels as though there are not enough hours in the day to attack all of these goals. To combat these feelings, I have comprised a daily schedule for myself that allows for each of these goals to be addressed. I was very good at maintaining a rigorous workout schedule during the first quarter of 2017, but as stress and disappointment began to pile up, I got off track. I am not going to allow myself to get off track in 2018. Once I fully adapt to having this daily routine, I believe I will be able to devote both the time and effort needed to relentlessly attack my goals.
Minimize processed sugar intake
Again, this was something that I excelled in maintaining during the first quarter of 2017. When life got tough, I sought out comfort in sugar. That is simply not going to be acceptable in 2017. I do not need soft drinks, energy drinks, or candy. Yes, some exceptions can be made during holidays, but not to the point that an entire diet can be thrown off.
Continue to seek out innovative ways of reaching students without losing what makes me special
Education is challenging because it is such a dynamic field. What’s new will become old, and what’s old will become new again. There is very little patience in seeing programs or initiatives through to the very end. As such, it can be very difficult as a teacher to accomplish the things you wish to accomplish whilst simultaneously appeasing the school or district higher-ups. It is my sincerest hope that I can balance the two (occasionally seemingly opposing) forces in a manner that still engages the student and allows me to still be me. Quite often this seems like a major conundrum, but I am confident that I can make it work.
Continue to find and develop the strength within
Life without Myrna as a regular stabilizing and balancing presence has been admittedly difficult, but what it has taught me is that I cannot rely on others to be my strength, my motivation, or my catalyst. I have to accomplish my goals and objectives through my own drive, determination, and strength. Yes, family and friends can provide support along the way, but the person getting things done for Jakob has to be Jakob. When she does return to having a regular presence in my life, I want to be strong enough to be able to do things and not come across as so needy. I’ve made a significant amount of headway in this regard. I must continue my ascent.
The goals I have for myself in 2018 are not new or unfamiliar. Much of the foundation has already been laid by the work I have done over the course of the past year. It will not be easy, but I’m moving in the right direction and already know the route I need to get to where I want to be. I look forward to continuing the ascent.
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