Thanks for putting up with the delay. From being out of town for the holidays and the subsequent readjustment, this post is a bit later than I'd prefer. 2018 was not the painful experience that 2017 was, yet it was often absent of the joy that filled 2015, 2016, and even early 2017. In many ways, I continued the ascent as I had hoped and written at the beginning of 2018. The passivity that plagued much of my existence has greatly dissipated, and my self-awareness is heightened beyond what I could have imagined just a few years ago. While it is my sincerest hope that this piece of writing is of interest to you, the reader, this exercise is largely put in place for me to look back on this particular time unit somewhere down the road. For your benefit and mine, I have separated the year into thematic sections. For the 15th consecutive year, this is my year in review.
The Ever-Moving Goalposts (Work)
My second year at Kellar wrapped up without much issue. This group of students, just like their predecessors, took the Constitution Test seriously and made me look good in the process. It was likely this success that led to change in both components of my teaching assignment. My work with this particular group of students was not yet complete. When they moved to 8th grade, so did I. I was excited for that challenge and to work with the 9th grade team, though I had a hard time leaving my 7th grade team, the most cohesive team I have ever had the opportunity to join. However, I was not quite excited to have to give up teaching social studies to move over to writing. While you all know that I enjoy recreational writing (and often have plenty to say), I have always viewed writing as more of a hobby than as a career. That said, I have embraced the opportunity to incorporate thematic writing units of my choosing. In September, we engaged in a mini-unit in accordance with Suicide Prevention Week. In December, students learned about holiday traditions around the world, and some brought their own traditions into my classroom. It has been a unique experience to teach basically the same group for two years in a row, but I would like to think we have grown together (even amidst the chaos around us).
A bittersweet component of 2018 was having to say goodbye to my first Kellar group and see them graduate and move on to high school. There were 7-8 boys who made a point of visiting my classroom at least once a day (sometimes multiple times) just to check in and get my feedback and advice. One of the highlights of my year was to spend a number of January and February afternoons watching two of my girls dominate the volleyball court. I miss them every day (though I keep pictures of about 10 of them on my desk), but I am so proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming. And who knows? Maybe I have a bit more to teach them too...
Trudging Through (Grad School)
I knew that 2018 was going to be a year of hard work and little movement. There are periods that are foundational that serve to lay the groundwork for big things in the future. 2018 was foundational, especially in terms of grad school. I completed 24 more credits of my doctoral program, pushing me to 43 completed credits with 21 credits (and a dissertation to go). I had the privilege of learning with and from some very talented individuals who have a vast array of life experiences (from martial arts instructors to hospital administrators to former coordinators in China). The feedback that I have received from these individuals lets me know that I can do it. As long as I can keep my focus and drive, I WILL do it.
Life: The Continuum of Gain and Loss
If there is a lesson that continues to present itself in my nearly 32 years on this planet, it is that neither good nor bad possess any permanence. Enjoy the good times, for they will not last. Endure the hard times, for they not eternal. This year was more of the same. It is always a highlight to visit my niece, Hadley. My brother in law's job sent him from Maryland to San Diego, California, this year, so my visits took me coast to coast. I love seeing her, but it is always difficult to leave (especially as she gets older and understands leaving).
In January, Myrna crawled out of whatever hole she had sequestered herself in to make contact with me. We talked a little and she asked me if we could talk again soon. She never resurfaced, and it hurt. I admit that I am not fully over that, but at least I am no longer deluding myself into believing that I was. I made a number of new friends in 2018. Some lasted only for a season; others stuck around. In June, I started seeing a girl. We went out a bunch of times in a short period of time, and it ended almost as quickly. It happens! I have had lifelong friends fade away, and a friend who had helped me through a lot of things virtually disappeared. On the other hand, there are people I thought I would never hear from again who resurfaced in 2018. I accept the ebbs and flows that life provides, that for every new beginning (the trip to Missouri for Mike and Annie's wedding), there is an end (the passing of my grandma after a quick but strong illness).
I don't know that I have fully grasped the idea that both of my grandmothers are now gone. I tried to mentally prepare myself for this reality the last few years that both were living, but the reality is that certain things cannot be handled through preparation but rather through experience. It has made me a lot more nostalgic, especially as I realize the consistent holiday traditions I had for much of the first 30 years of my life will never happen again. i accept this (like I have much of a choice), and embrace what life has in store for me next.
Music: Saving Me, Moving Me, Making Me Feel Again
2018 was a year that presented opportunities to see a lot of live music. Those of you who follow me on Instagram know that I am an avid collector of vinyl records, and while I am very proud of my collection, I am very pleased that I had the opportunity to see and be moved by some of my favorite bands in person. Music brought me to 1 festival and three concerts in three different states.
In May, my friend Whitney put up a post on Facebook to see if anyone would be interested in going with her to see The Used in concert. It was close to the end of my school year, and I needed a bit of a mental break from everything, so I said that I'd go and made the 3 hour drive to Fort Wayne, Indiana, to make it happen. I am so happy that I did. It was nice to meet up in person with a longtime online friend, and The Used put on an incredibly energetic performance.
In late spring, one of my favorite bands, Day at the Fair, announced they were playing a benefit show in New Jersey in June. I had been planning to visit my sister in Maryland that weekend anyway, so the stars aligned for me to start my trip a day early to go to New Jersey to see that show. I've gotten to know Chris, Todd, and Rob (and his wife, Kim) over the years through Facebook and this blog, and I was excited to get to finally meet them in person. Let me tell you, not only have they created music that has connected with my spirit, they are some of the most wonderful people I have ever encountered. From meeting me at the door to taking me backstage with them to Kim staying with me the whole show, I felt like I was part of a scene that came and went long before I was even aware of its existence. When the band played my favorite song in the world (Everything I've Ever Wanted) and surprised me by dedicating it to me, it was a gesture that moved me beyond what these words can express. For that, I thank you.
In July, I made the decision to go to Warped Tour because it was its last countrywide tour. Because of rain on the Tinley date, I decided to take the trek up to Milwaukee to see Warped there. The Warped experience is a really unique one, because even though I might not look like a pop punk or emo kid on the outside with my beard, professionally coifed hair, and Express wardrobe, it's a place where I really feel comfortable. I got to finally meet Lindsey for the first time at that show, and she was kind enough to let me tag along with her people for a couple sets. Over the course of the day, I got to see 20 bands, some of which I have been a fan for more than a decade, others who recently entered my music library. I got to hear As It Is perform "No Way Out", We the Kings perform "Check Yes Juliet", and State Champs steal the show. Unlike 2014, I did not get miserably ill after!
In October, I got to take my friend Jaclyn to see her favorite band, Neck Deep, perform at the same place in Indiana that I had seen The Used. We sprung for the VIP tickets, which included an acoustic set from the band and a meet and greet with them. Being the sarcastic teacher that I am, I could not help but make some silly comments in response to the more asinine questions the band received, but nobody was offended and everyone had a good laugh. In addition to Neck Deep, WSTR, Trophy Eyes, and Stand Atlantic also performed. I had the opportunity to meet Bonnie from Stand Atlantic. It was a really fun night.
While I like to consider myself a thoughtful person (and certainly introspective), I am not an outwardly emotional person. Yet, music was directly responsible for bringing me to tears in public on two separate occasions. First, Mayday Parade (a band which I discovered through Jannelle, which already brings emotional ties with it), played "Oh Well, Oh Well". The words of the bridge hit me like a brick, and all the pain that I had pent up from the Myrna situation came rushing out. Before I realized it, liquid was coming out of my eyes! I thought that would never happen again -- until it did. During the Neck Deep set, Ben Barlow was introducing "19 Seventy Sumthin'", the story about his parent's love and the subsequent loss of his father. The sincerity and transparency in his words when discussing the events that led him to pen the song and the emotions that followed moved me in a way I was unsure I could be moved at this point in my life. When I cried during the Mayday Parade song, it was about my own life and missing Myrna. In this case, it was someone else's story that moved me to tears. I am so thankful for music that helps me connect to those parts of me that I do not always have easy access to.
The Knockdowns
The year was exhausting. My exercise habits at the start of the year were much stronger than at the end of the year. I lost focus and got tired out. I felt weary. I got sick for two and a half years in December and missed the gym for a month. The Seahawks game I attended in Chicago went poorly. At times, I embraced old habits. That said, of everything that knocked me down, NOTHING knocked me out. 2018 made me more keenly aware of weaknesses and trouble areas to either avoid or embrace and strengthen. Every lesson I learned was valuable, and I take these lessons with me moving forward.
What's Next?
2019, like 2018, will be largely foundational, but as we are nearing the emergence of the fruits of my labor, it will be very important for me to plow ahead and make things happen. Soon I will be posting my goals and outlook for 2019. Without spoiling too much, I am grounded yet optimistic for what is to come. Whether you have been in my life for 20+ years or a few months, whether you have yo-yo'ed in and out of my life over the years, whether you have decided to get off this train, I thank you for spending a portion of this journey with me. Onward and upward.
