I should probably open with complete transparency and admit (to whoever may be reading this) that my desire to engage in this annual exercise is lower than it has ever been. We have all been through a collective ordeal, and our sense of normalcy and equilibrium have become so askew that we may never quite fully regain our bearings. Personally, the past 365 days have felt about ten times longer than that, and I, quite honestly, am worn out. While the year has (quite literally) taken its toll on my body, mind, and spirit, there were moments of success and fulfillment sprinkled in. And though I lack the desire to chronicle this particular chapter of my life in the present, I recognize the importance of encapsulating the experience for future reflection (and hopefully celebration of making it through to the other side). With all of that out of the way, here is my 2021 in review.
The End of One Journey Leads to Uncertainty for the Next
By the end of 2020, the wheels were put into motion for the culmination of my doctoral experience. The dissertation was off to the editor, and other than a couple small capstone assignments, all that was left to do was defend the dissertation. On the first Monday of March, less than 72 hours after I received my second dose of the COVID-19 vaccine, I defended my dissertation and unofficially became Dr. Duehr (with the official title coming shortly thereafter).
When you have embarked on such a long and arduous journey, reaching the top of the mountain feels somewhat surreal and almost terrifying. I was greeted with the cold hard truth that the completion of my degree (outside of the compliments and congratulations from others) really only meant I was changing my title from Mr. to Dr. It didn't get me a raise. it didn't get me a shiny new title or promotion. If anything, it priced me out of teaching positions in a number of districts. Within my field of education, having that degree does not open nearly as many doors as one would assume it would. An administrative license is needed in tandem with the degree. So, a few months later I unexpectedly found myself back in school to take the courses I needed to procure that license. In December, I took the certification tests to become a licensed principal, and as of this writing, I am awaiting the results. I do not currently know the direct route I will be taking next, but I do know I have no desire to run in place any longer (more on that later)
Scratching, Clawing, and Sliding Back Down
At nearly 35 years old, I am well acquainted with the notion that the good does not last and the bad will eventually pass, but I was thoroughly unprepared for the yo-yo nature of 2021, particularly from a health standpoint. In that regard, my body took more of a beating that it ever has, and I am hopeful that is not a harbinger of things to come.
At the start of 2021, I weighed in at a number close to what I weighed at my heaviest in 2008. It was humbling to say the least, but I was equipped with both a plan as well as the knowledge of what it would take to reach my goals. I was also blessed with a virtual work schedule very conducive to putting in the necessary time at the gym to produce rapid and substantial change. By the middle of March, I had lost nearly 30 pounds, and my strength was even higher than it was prior to the shutdown in March 2020.
I continued moving mostly in the right direction in regards to my health and fitness until the middle of July. I had gone to a museum on a Friday and we got caught in the rain. The next day, I was not feeling quite right, which I thought was just the effect of spending a bit too much time in some adverse conditions. However, I woke up that Sunday with a fever. I would keep that fever for the next 11 days, including the day of my virtual commencement for my doctorate (meaning I still have not truly celebrated the completion of that journey). I went to the doctor three times. The first two times they tested me for COVID, and I tested negative. By Day 11, my fever began to subside, but in it place was throat and ear pain so severe I could not even swallow my own saliva. This time I was tested for mono and tested positive. Mono is a beast of an illness for teens, but as I am now in my mid-30s, it completely wrecked me. I lost a significant amount of weight and strength. For about a week, all I could eat was soup. Even worse than the physical discomfort was the mental toll it wreaked on me.
All of us know how a fever can distort our sense of reality and bring back some things we wish were kept away in the deepest abyss. Imagine that for a week and a half while not being physically strong enough to fight it. Even though I am at the point that I am physically closer to where I was before mono (though that road itself has been arduous), I don't know that I've fully recovered in terms of my confidence, my optimism, or my sense of self. Maybe I'll get there someday, but I'm not there today.
Holding On Too Long
I have never been the best at knowing when it's my time to walk away (or when that choice is being made for me). It caused me heartache and frustration with the distancing of my closest childhood friends from 2013-2015ish. I made myself look like a fool with Myrna, Kim, or whoever else you want to put there instead. I just cannot escape the feeling that I stayed at my current job for a year more than I should have. Maybe I should have been more vigilant at looking at what I'd need to progress to the next stage of my career before I finished my doctorate. Maybe I should have already been planning an exit strategy sooner. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not trying to knock the place I work or the people I work with and for, but I feel like a fish out of water, and I did not feel that way the previous five years I had been there. Returning to in-person teaching has been simultaneously rewarding and humbling. Many of these kids are frozen in time from a maturity standpoint, and they (perhaps understandably) are about a year and a half delayed from what I am used to. Consequently, a lot of my usual tricks and strategies are falling flat. I don't feel like I'm connecting as well, I am coming to a reckoning regarding some of my teaching strategies that I thought were universally applicable, and more often than at any point in the last 9 years, I feel like I'm just not good at this any longer. That combined with the notion that my team (which for years has been a well-oiled machine despite the variance in personalities, styles, and philosophies) just doesn't click th eway it used to has me feeling almost regretful for reaching this point.
I'm also learning that I'm not for everyone, and I'm definitely not for everyone forever. Some of that might be due to personal flaws that I should probably work on (like being aloof or closed off), but some of it just has to do with the moving parts aspect of life. As I grow, I need to be better about cordially moving on when something or someone no longer suits me and not taking it personally when they do the same from me.
The Sun Through the Clouds
I would not be accurate or fair if I solely depicted the year as a daily uphill climb. There have been moments of good sprinkled in. From seeing one of the few good Seahawks games from sixth row seats with my dad in Indy to seeing Anberlin and Silverstein to spending the holidays with family in North Carolina to making new friends and reconnecting with old friends and coworkers, I have never felt truly alone, even in the midst of these dark and lonely times. I don't know if or when we'll get back to being able to do all the things I did back in 2019, but I have found enjoyment in the things I have had the opportunity to experience.
Moving Forward
I am ending this year with about as little optimism as I've ever had. As I was reflecting before sitting down to write, I could only recall two years which ended with similar levels of bleakness: 2002 (which was actually a pretty decent year overall) and 2014. In both cases, the years that followed were years that I would classify as great. I do not wish to place that level of expectation on 2022, but if there is hope to be found, it is that history has shown that it is possible to find light after darkness. I don't know where my life is going to take me next. Honestly, I don't know exactly what I want, who I want to be, or even if I am happy with the person I currently am. I also don't want to waste too much of my life staying stagnant trying to figure it out, so I would love to write you in 365 days with some tangible progress. If you've made it to this point, thank you for caring. Thank you for making it through this year. Even if I'm not always glad to be here in my present reality, I'm glad you are. Let's make it through together.
