In the last post I touched a little on my manic nature in the areas that on which I place a high level of importance. Nearly a decade ago my friend Jess characterized me as “driven, almost to the point of obsession”. That statement was accurate then and alarmingly accurate now. For maybe the first time, I will humbly attempt to explain that nature as best as I can.
I understand that we live in a world in which the idea of clear-cut, black and white things has become increasingly antiquated. There are so many things for which I do not have the answer. However, when it comes to my own life, goals, and ambitions, my world is entirely black and white. I succeed, or I fail. There is absolutely no middle ground.
When I was younger, I used to take solace in what I deemed the “moral victories”. If I got farther on something than I expected to (yet still failed, mind you), I would take pride in how close I came to succeeding. After a while, those moral victories ceased to have any importance to me. If I set a goal, I fully expect to achieve it. Anything short of that goal is not good enough.
As I have now crossed the threshold of being 30 years old, I have vastly improved on my tendencies to both live in and dwell on the past, but I still struggle in this area in some ways. If someone brings up college, I am quick to remember that I missed out on graduating summa cum laude by .008 grade points. I am quick to remember that I missed out on thousands of dollars in scholarship money by one question on the ACT. For all that I have accomplished and hopefully will continue to accomplish, it is those failures that stick to me.
Perhaps more than any other factor, my manic desire to succeed in the areas that matter to me are driven by desire to avoid the feelings of failure that I have felt too many times in my life to date. I haven’t really had family members or friends call me a failure or tell me that I have disappointed them, so this tendency to be hard on myself is not affected by outside stimuli. I have a very clear picture of what I want my life to be and who I want to become. Some of those pieces are already in place, but for those that are not, I will scratch and claw and work myself to the bone until they happen. Yes, some things are beyond my purview of control, but that doesn’t stop me from maxing out on my effort.
I am so driven because I do not want to wake up in 10 years in the same place that I am now. I do not want to fail myself or others who count on me. Does that mean I beat myself up sometimes? Of course. Does that mean that some of my own feelings of failure occasionally seep into my relationships to the point that I set impossibly high standards for myself? Admittedly yes. But until I can find room for gray in my life, this is how it’s going to be. I will try to be a little easier on myself, but I will always aspire to be more than I currently am.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Behind the Curtain: The Storm Behind the Calm
The older I get, the more I realize that there is a bit of a disconnect between the perception of me by acquaintances and the perception of me by those who have gotten to know me at any depth. This blog series will attempt to bridge the divide between those two areas.
People who do not know me very well or people who only see me in a professional setting view me as a very calm person. I am slow to anger, slow to raise my voice, and reticent to respond in any manner other than one that is devoid of emotion or irrational behavior. I have been praised many times for my “calm and stoic demeanor”. I appreciate that characterization, but it amuses me because it is not completely accurate.
Part of the reason I can portray such a calm outward front is because I have mastered the art of compartmentalizing the numerous components of my life. Put simply, I place value on each area of my life. I remain unaffected by the areas that affect me minimally or the areas in which I place little value. If a student acts up in my class, I know that it has virtually nothing to do with me personally and has everything to do with myriad external and internal factors. As a result, I do not let it bother me. Kids are going to be kids. I don’t sweat that stuff.
At any given moment in my life, there are 2-3 things that I am extremely passionate about. All my emotion goes into those things, and I pursue them to a manic (some would say obsessive level). If you talk to me about any of these areas, you won’t see the calm. You won’t catch the quietly confident Jakob. In its place, you will see someone who is scratching and clawing, always doubting himself, chronically over-thinking, and ALWAYS feeling as if he has something to prove. The more I want something, the more my insecurities manifest themselves. I have self-sabotaged many relationships in my life because I simply could not leave well enough alone. I pushed myself to an obsessive level (I will cover this more in my next post) because I have a very difficult time abiding by the timelines of life or the timelines of others. My closest friends and confidants probably characterize me as the storm because I often come to them for advice as to how to clean up my most recent mess.
So, which Jakob is the true Jakob? Am I the calm, or am I the storm? Truthfully, I am probably both. The calm works for me in the areas in which I need it to work. Perhaps to some the calm might come across as blasé, but it works for me. In most areas of my life, I act calmly and rationally and never let the ship get too far off course. But I would be lying to myself and to all of you if I said that the storm didn’t exist. The storm is very real, and as long as I am living I will probably have to figure out a way to weather it. As long as I care deeply about things, I am going to have to fight the urge to obsess and attack them at a manic level. I am going to have to fight the feelings of self-doubt and the chip on my shoulder. Will I ever fully calm the storm? I don’t know. But I will keep trying.
People who do not know me very well or people who only see me in a professional setting view me as a very calm person. I am slow to anger, slow to raise my voice, and reticent to respond in any manner other than one that is devoid of emotion or irrational behavior. I have been praised many times for my “calm and stoic demeanor”. I appreciate that characterization, but it amuses me because it is not completely accurate.
Part of the reason I can portray such a calm outward front is because I have mastered the art of compartmentalizing the numerous components of my life. Put simply, I place value on each area of my life. I remain unaffected by the areas that affect me minimally or the areas in which I place little value. If a student acts up in my class, I know that it has virtually nothing to do with me personally and has everything to do with myriad external and internal factors. As a result, I do not let it bother me. Kids are going to be kids. I don’t sweat that stuff.
At any given moment in my life, there are 2-3 things that I am extremely passionate about. All my emotion goes into those things, and I pursue them to a manic (some would say obsessive level). If you talk to me about any of these areas, you won’t see the calm. You won’t catch the quietly confident Jakob. In its place, you will see someone who is scratching and clawing, always doubting himself, chronically over-thinking, and ALWAYS feeling as if he has something to prove. The more I want something, the more my insecurities manifest themselves. I have self-sabotaged many relationships in my life because I simply could not leave well enough alone. I pushed myself to an obsessive level (I will cover this more in my next post) because I have a very difficult time abiding by the timelines of life or the timelines of others. My closest friends and confidants probably characterize me as the storm because I often come to them for advice as to how to clean up my most recent mess.
So, which Jakob is the true Jakob? Am I the calm, or am I the storm? Truthfully, I am probably both. The calm works for me in the areas in which I need it to work. Perhaps to some the calm might come across as blasé, but it works for me. In most areas of my life, I act calmly and rationally and never let the ship get too far off course. But I would be lying to myself and to all of you if I said that the storm didn’t exist. The storm is very real, and as long as I am living I will probably have to figure out a way to weather it. As long as I care deeply about things, I am going to have to fight the urge to obsess and attack them at a manic level. I am going to have to fight the feelings of self-doubt and the chip on my shoulder. Will I ever fully calm the storm? I don’t know. But I will keep trying.
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