The “It’s Time For War” mini-series is still in a bit of an intermission, so bear with me for the next two posts. While I like to write about both serious and humorous topics, I am a man of many interests. The NBA and NHL are two of those interests. With the playoffs kicking off, I thought I’d give a little bit of my perspective concerning them. I do not profess to be an advanced sabermetric expert on either sport, so I will not be providing any power rankings. However, I will rank the teams in order of how much I would like to see them win their respective titles. You might find some of my reasons ridiculous. To that I respond, “You shouldn’t be surprised.” With that said, here are my NHL rankings.
16. Pittsburgh Penguins: Perhaps it is my hatred of all things Pittsburgh. Perhaps it is my disdain for Sydney Crosby’s facial hair growing ability (or lack thereof). Whatever the reason, I absolutely cannot stand the Penguins. They are one of two NHL teams that I actively root against. The other is…
15. Detroit Red Wings: If the Penguins are my Public Enemy #1, the Wings are Public Enemy #1A. I don’t like the city of Detroit. I don’t like their stadium and its ridiculous prices for Little Caesars. I don’t like their players, and there is something troubling about Mike Babcock. I refuse to watch a minute of another Wings/Penguins Cup Final.
14. Boston Bruins: I really had nothing against the Bruins until Zdeno Chara’s hit on Max Pacioretty. Don’t mess with the Habs.
13. Anaheim Ducks: I don’t like the Ducks for a few reasons. First of all, they are no longer mighty. Secondly, as a rule, I root against NHL teams based in California. Finally (and most importantly), I haven’t forgiven them for the 2007 Cup Finals.
12. New York Rangers: I do not like New York teams. Too often I see them trying to buy a championship, only to fall flat. I don’t think the Rangers have much of a chance against the Caps anyways.
11. Vancouver Canucks: While as a rule I generally root for Canadian teams to appease my repressed love for our neighbors to the north, I don’t like the Canuckleheads. There’s something about the way they play and the way they carry themselves that I am put off by. Their coach particularly bothers me as well.
10. Philadelphia Flyers: This ranking is more indicative of how I feel about Philadelphia sports fans and their use of terms such as “boojawn” than about the team itself. I respect that they’re mired in a Cup drought and are looking to break it. That said, I wouldn’t be bothered by anything they do in these playoffs.
9. Nashville Predators: The Preds’ relatively low ranking is a product of my dislike for Gary Bettman. The expansion of the late 1990s was particularly pointless, and I don’t think of Nashville as being a rabid hockey town in the same way that I do Winnipeg, Hartford, or Quebec. A decade later and I still think of the Predators as an expansion team.
8. Phoenix Coyotes: You may be wondering why I don’t have the Coyotes ranked lower. For one, I hope that the former Winnipeg Jets become the future Winnipeg Jets. I also feel bad for the players and the way their ownership situation has been handled. I like their goalie, and I hope they take out the Wings.
7. Los Angeles Kings: I am completely apathetic to this team and this organization. I don’t like them, but I don’t dislike them. That is why they are ranked here.
6. Tampa Bay Lightning: While I’m not sold on hockey in Florida, I really like Steven Stamkos. He is an exciting player to watch, and he did wonders for my fantasy team. The fact they are playing the Penguins in the first round makes me like them that much more.
5. San Jose Sharks: It doesn’t feel like there is as much pressure on them this year, and I hope that works out for them. They have a supremely talented roster, and while I don’t like the way Dany Heatley left Ottawa, I wouldn’t mind seeing success for the Sharks.
4. Washington Capitals: The Eastern Conference version of the Sharks. If they don’t get to at least the conference finals this year, I don’t think they ever will with this current roster. I like Ovie more than I like Crosby, and I hope the Caps make at least a respectable run.
3. Buffalo Sabres: I do admit I’m slightly swayed by the awesome buffalo they have on their uniforms, but I’m more swayed by the fact that when Ryan Miller is on his game, there’s nobody better. If he can lock down the goal, the Sabres have a shot.
2. Chicago Blackhawks: My hometown team is going to have a tougher go of it this postseason. The run to the Cup was amazing last year, but I don’t think they have enough in the tank. Of course, I could be wrong, as they still have a large amount of the star power that got them the victory last year.
1. Montreal Canadiens: The last couple years I have really grown to love the Habs almost as much as I love the Senators. If there’s going to be a team to bring the Cup home to Canada, it should be the team who has won more titles than any other NHL team. Carey Price will be key to their playoff success. I’m also selfishly hoping for another playoff tune from Annakin Slayd.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
24 Things I Have Learned in the Past Year
With my 24th birthday coming tomorrow, I thought I would take a brief break from my ten part series and post some of the lessons I have learned in the past year. Enjoy.
1. If you have an out of state license plate, don’t even think about going over the speed limit.
2. It is better to earn respect than seek to be liked. If you’re true to yourself, people will like you regardless.
3. Loving someone isn’t always enough.
4. My cat is pretty much the best ever.
5. Full Throttle should have never gotten rid of the orange flavor.
6. I look pretty good with a beard.
7. Good music is always out there. You just have to discover it.
8. Boy Meets World is even funnier when you understand what they’re talking about.
9. Getting retribution on those who wronged you doesn’t bring satisfaction as much as it just prevents you from moving on.
10. Sometimes, it’s just not meant to be.
11. The older I get, the more amusing I become.
12. Things happen in my life well beyond the point that I wanted them to happen.
13. Politeness goes a long way.
14. When times are good, enjoy them. When times are bad, get past them.
15. Worry about yourself. If you get hung up on what everyone else is doing, you will lose your mind.
16. Pizza with both shrimp and pepperoni on it is surprisingly good.
17. People for the most part are better to me than I am to them. Thank you for that.
18. Take nothing for granted.
19. Life like high in hope and low in expectation.
20. If you look hard enough, you’ll find you have something in common with anyone. Use that to connect with them.
21. Distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder. Now that I see my friends less, I enjoy the times I do see them more than I used to.
22. I don’t know nearly as much as I thought.
23. Pick your spots.
24. Keep moving forward
1. If you have an out of state license plate, don’t even think about going over the speed limit.
2. It is better to earn respect than seek to be liked. If you’re true to yourself, people will like you regardless.
3. Loving someone isn’t always enough.
4. My cat is pretty much the best ever.
5. Full Throttle should have never gotten rid of the orange flavor.
6. I look pretty good with a beard.
7. Good music is always out there. You just have to discover it.
8. Boy Meets World is even funnier when you understand what they’re talking about.
9. Getting retribution on those who wronged you doesn’t bring satisfaction as much as it just prevents you from moving on.
10. Sometimes, it’s just not meant to be.
11. The older I get, the more amusing I become.
12. Things happen in my life well beyond the point that I wanted them to happen.
13. Politeness goes a long way.
14. When times are good, enjoy them. When times are bad, get past them.
15. Worry about yourself. If you get hung up on what everyone else is doing, you will lose your mind.
16. Pizza with both shrimp and pepperoni on it is surprisingly good.
17. People for the most part are better to me than I am to them. Thank you for that.
18. Take nothing for granted.
19. Life like high in hope and low in expectation.
20. If you look hard enough, you’ll find you have something in common with anyone. Use that to connect with them.
21. Distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder. Now that I see my friends less, I enjoy the times I do see them more than I used to.
22. I don’t know nearly as much as I thought.
23. Pick your spots.
24. Keep moving forward
Saturday, April 2, 2011
It's Time For War, Pt. 3: Jakob vs. "Friday"
This is part of a ten part series in which I “go to war” against a thing or group. Some of these posts are to be taken seriously; others are not. It is up to you, the reader, to differentiate between the two.
No, I am not going to war with the sixth day of the week. I happen to like Fridays (both the day and the restaurant) very much. I am actually going to war against the ridiculous song by Rebecca Black that has become an internet sensation. No, I am not going to embed it or link to it, because that would give the song more exposure than I think it deserves. Watch it for yourself if you are curious. Actually, don’t. I will give you everything you need to know right here.
Let me start out by saying that the song itself is actually somewhat catchy, but that the lyrics are some of the inanest that I have ever heard. Also, let me go on the record by saying that this is not a personal attack on Ms. Black. She is simply a girl trying to live out her dream as a singer. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s time for war.
The video itself opens with some Disney Channel-esque graphics as we see a virtual display of Rebecca’s calendar quickly advancing to Friday. We then see perhaps the most unrealistic looking alarm clock possible. Looks like it’s time for the song to start!
It is now 7 AM and with 7 AM comes the most autotuned voice this side of T-Pain. It’s not one of those cool sounding autotunes either. It is downright robotic. At first listen, I hoped that the robotic sound was to illustrate the monotony of the daily grind (which I would have actually found to be a good touch), but as things pick up we quickly realize that BeccaBot is here to stay for the duration of the song.
While everyone else in the Black family seems to be in a rush to get to where they need to be (and at this point I look for T-Black in the background, but alas she is absent), BeccaBot is taking her sweet time. In addition to being a robot, she also apparently possesses the power of teleportation. She is now at the bus stop. It is at this point the inanity really starts to pick up. Her friends, who are no older than 13, pull up to the bus stop. I have a few problems with this. First of all, they are junior high students. In no state is it legal for junior high students to drive. Secondly, her friend is driving a very nice looking convertible. Even the snobbiest of snob parents would not entrust such an expensive vehicle to someone who can barely see above the steering wheel. Thirdly, her friends have decided to go to the bus stop to pick her up. If they were such good friends, why wouldn’t they just pick her up at her house? Why would they make her walk? What a great group of kids.
At this point, BeccaBot laments one of the great dilemmas of life: Which seat should she take? Based on the fact that there is only ONE available seat, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that she should probably take that one and stop wasting everyone’s time. Now that she has made that excruciatingly painful decision, she is now ready to hit the chorus. All you need to know is that the girl really LOVES Friday. She is so caught up in the excitement that she loses her ability to form coherent sentences and instead just shouts out words like “Partying” and “Fun” repeatedly to express her great anticipation for the weekend.
We now start the second verse approximately 12 hours into the future, as BeccaBot is STILL in this vehicle (road trip, anybody?) and about to hit the JUNIOR HIGH PARTY SCENE~! She is breaking all sorts of safety laws and being a poor role model by standing up in a moving vehicle. What you really need to know about this verse is that both BeccaBot and everyone else “got this.” What “this” is, I do not know. But congratulations, we all possess “this”! She is still lamenting her seat decision despite the fact she is IN THE CAR and presumably has been for quite some time.
The chorus has hit for a second time and we have mercifully reached the party. The other partygoers seem to be particularly enthused about the fact that it is, indeed, Friday. There are a group of kids whose only purpose is to provide a superfluous “Yeah!” as BeccaBot drones the chorus.
If you’re still reading to this point and haven’t extracted your eyelids with a nail filer yet, have I got a treat for you! We have reached my favorite point of the song: the EPIC BRIDGE~! It says, and I quote (and also with the return of virtual visual calendar, which not only shows the day but also these groundbreaking lyrics): Yesterday was Thursday. Today it is Friday. We we we so excited. We so excited. We gonna have a ball today. Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards. I have nothing to add to this other than to say if I ever change educational paths and decide to become a first grade teacher, I know exactly how I am going to teach the days of the week to my students.
How can we follow this up? With a GUEST RAPPER~! He has so much street cred that I can’t find his name anywhere. All I know is he looks like the lovechild of Usher and Gary Sheffield. He is spitting mad flow about switching lanes and passing up school buses. After about a minute more of BeccaBot eloquently extolling the virtues of Friday, the song is mercifully over.
So many things about this blow my mind. I can’t believe that anyone thought it was a good idea to write this song. I can’t believe that someone thought it was a good idea to make a music video and put the most ridiculous lyrics of the entire song (and that’s saying a lot) on the screen. I can’t believe that Rebecca Black herself thought this song would actually help her garner a credible career. It drives me crazy that this song might potentially be listened to more times than every song by The Graduate combined. And lastly, it kills me that we live in a society where we hand celebrity to the inane. This song is an example of a bigger problem. In part four of this series, I go to war with undeserved celebrity. Stay tuned.
No, I am not going to war with the sixth day of the week. I happen to like Fridays (both the day and the restaurant) very much. I am actually going to war against the ridiculous song by Rebecca Black that has become an internet sensation. No, I am not going to embed it or link to it, because that would give the song more exposure than I think it deserves. Watch it for yourself if you are curious. Actually, don’t. I will give you everything you need to know right here.
Let me start out by saying that the song itself is actually somewhat catchy, but that the lyrics are some of the inanest that I have ever heard. Also, let me go on the record by saying that this is not a personal attack on Ms. Black. She is simply a girl trying to live out her dream as a singer. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, it’s time for war.
The video itself opens with some Disney Channel-esque graphics as we see a virtual display of Rebecca’s calendar quickly advancing to Friday. We then see perhaps the most unrealistic looking alarm clock possible. Looks like it’s time for the song to start!
It is now 7 AM and with 7 AM comes the most autotuned voice this side of T-Pain. It’s not one of those cool sounding autotunes either. It is downright robotic. At first listen, I hoped that the robotic sound was to illustrate the monotony of the daily grind (which I would have actually found to be a good touch), but as things pick up we quickly realize that BeccaBot is here to stay for the duration of the song.
While everyone else in the Black family seems to be in a rush to get to where they need to be (and at this point I look for T-Black in the background, but alas she is absent), BeccaBot is taking her sweet time. In addition to being a robot, she also apparently possesses the power of teleportation. She is now at the bus stop. It is at this point the inanity really starts to pick up. Her friends, who are no older than 13, pull up to the bus stop. I have a few problems with this. First of all, they are junior high students. In no state is it legal for junior high students to drive. Secondly, her friend is driving a very nice looking convertible. Even the snobbiest of snob parents would not entrust such an expensive vehicle to someone who can barely see above the steering wheel. Thirdly, her friends have decided to go to the bus stop to pick her up. If they were such good friends, why wouldn’t they just pick her up at her house? Why would they make her walk? What a great group of kids.
At this point, BeccaBot laments one of the great dilemmas of life: Which seat should she take? Based on the fact that there is only ONE available seat, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that she should probably take that one and stop wasting everyone’s time. Now that she has made that excruciatingly painful decision, she is now ready to hit the chorus. All you need to know is that the girl really LOVES Friday. She is so caught up in the excitement that she loses her ability to form coherent sentences and instead just shouts out words like “Partying” and “Fun” repeatedly to express her great anticipation for the weekend.
We now start the second verse approximately 12 hours into the future, as BeccaBot is STILL in this vehicle (road trip, anybody?) and about to hit the JUNIOR HIGH PARTY SCENE~! She is breaking all sorts of safety laws and being a poor role model by standing up in a moving vehicle. What you really need to know about this verse is that both BeccaBot and everyone else “got this.” What “this” is, I do not know. But congratulations, we all possess “this”! She is still lamenting her seat decision despite the fact she is IN THE CAR and presumably has been for quite some time.
The chorus has hit for a second time and we have mercifully reached the party. The other partygoers seem to be particularly enthused about the fact that it is, indeed, Friday. There are a group of kids whose only purpose is to provide a superfluous “Yeah!” as BeccaBot drones the chorus.
If you’re still reading to this point and haven’t extracted your eyelids with a nail filer yet, have I got a treat for you! We have reached my favorite point of the song: the EPIC BRIDGE~! It says, and I quote (and also with the return of virtual visual calendar, which not only shows the day but also these groundbreaking lyrics): Yesterday was Thursday. Today it is Friday. We we we so excited. We so excited. We gonna have a ball today. Tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards. I have nothing to add to this other than to say if I ever change educational paths and decide to become a first grade teacher, I know exactly how I am going to teach the days of the week to my students.
How can we follow this up? With a GUEST RAPPER~! He has so much street cred that I can’t find his name anywhere. All I know is he looks like the lovechild of Usher and Gary Sheffield. He is spitting mad flow about switching lanes and passing up school buses. After about a minute more of BeccaBot eloquently extolling the virtues of Friday, the song is mercifully over.
So many things about this blow my mind. I can’t believe that anyone thought it was a good idea to write this song. I can’t believe that someone thought it was a good idea to make a music video and put the most ridiculous lyrics of the entire song (and that’s saying a lot) on the screen. I can’t believe that Rebecca Black herself thought this song would actually help her garner a credible career. It drives me crazy that this song might potentially be listened to more times than every song by The Graduate combined. And lastly, it kills me that we live in a society where we hand celebrity to the inane. This song is an example of a bigger problem. In part four of this series, I go to war with undeserved celebrity. Stay tuned.
Friday, April 1, 2011
It's Time For War, Pt. 2: Jakob vs. Redundancy
This is part of a ten part series in which I “go to war” against a thing or group. Some of these posts are to be taken seriously; others are not. It is up to you, the reader, to differentiate between the two.
If you know me well, you know that I am slow to be terribly angry but very easily annoyed. I do my best to not be annoyed by things that could best be classified as quirks, for I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world if I got annoyed by quirkiness. Since redundancy is not covered under the broad umbrella of quirkiness amnesty, it is fair game.
For those of you who did not learn the meaning of this word in a vocabulary list, it is, according to dictionary.com, “superfluous repetition or overlapping, especially of words.” The next definition after that should be “something that especially bothers Jakob Duehr.” If you say something once, there is no need to say it again, especially immediately after saying it the first time. Let me give you a few examples of this bothersome behavior.
1. The Current Cheetos Ad Campaign: “Take a Cheetos Break with Cheetos.”
If you haven’t seen these commercials, they ultimately involve a bunch of guys sitting around not doing their job and eating Cheetos with Chester the Cheetah, while a coworker or boss is not invited to partake in the break. The commercial ends with the above slogan. Aside from the fact that this is an absolutely STUPID campaign in that it equates sloth with using the product, the slogan is ridiculous. What else would they be taking a Cheetos Break with? Funyuns? Tic Tacs? Are they trying to target the world’s dumbest demographic—those who have no idea what the necessary ingredients are in order to take a Cheetos Break? As much as that bothers me, it does not annoy me nearly as much as the next example.
2. One of the personal trainers at my gym is guilty of double redundancy. Everyone in the gym sees her working out with the aesthetically unfortunate and also sees them return to her desk, which is only used by -- you guessed it-- personal trainers. Therefore, it is absolutely redundant that she wears a shirt that says “Personal Trainer”. I would probably let this slide in and of itself because the gym is full of oblivious people. However, I cannot accept this further example of egregious redundancy. There is another line on the shirt directly below the “Personal Trainer” line. This line reads “Ask me about personal training!” What else would I ask you about? How to balance my stock portfolio? The best tourist spots in downtown Chicago? The meaning of life? I can only imagine how fun she must be on a date. Ask her a simple question like how her day went and prepare to hear the same answer multiple times.
3. When people use multiple phrases with the same meaning consecutively.
One of my online hangout spots is a little place called Stickam. While I could write on and on about my experiences there, the only purpose it serves in this blog is as a background. I am often in chatrooms, so I am somewhat fluent in “chatspeak”. One of the most glaring offenses of redundancy occurs when someone decides to end their own statements with both “LOL” and “haha” (or other acronyms such as ROFL, etc. which mean the same thing). First of all, it is poor form to end your own statements with laughter. It is like a comedian standing on stage laughing at his or her own jokes, or a singer clapping at the end of a song. Let the people respond as they see fit. It is NEVER appropriate to stack a “haha” on top of an “LOL”. You are trying way too hard to get us to be amused, and even if I found the initial statement amusing, I am now so put off by your redundancy that I am negatively disposed to the entire statement.
Redundancy is an affliction that affects many in the world today, but it is a fight that can be won. Do your part to slay this dragon. If you or anyone you know has been affected by this, please make a concerted effort to correct this destructive behavior. Together, we can make a difference in creating a less repetitive world for generations to come.
If you know me well, you know that I am slow to be terribly angry but very easily annoyed. I do my best to not be annoyed by things that could best be classified as quirks, for I would be the biggest hypocrite in the world if I got annoyed by quirkiness. Since redundancy is not covered under the broad umbrella of quirkiness amnesty, it is fair game.
For those of you who did not learn the meaning of this word in a vocabulary list, it is, according to dictionary.com, “superfluous repetition or overlapping, especially of words.” The next definition after that should be “something that especially bothers Jakob Duehr.” If you say something once, there is no need to say it again, especially immediately after saying it the first time. Let me give you a few examples of this bothersome behavior.
1. The Current Cheetos Ad Campaign: “Take a Cheetos Break with Cheetos.”
If you haven’t seen these commercials, they ultimately involve a bunch of guys sitting around not doing their job and eating Cheetos with Chester the Cheetah, while a coworker or boss is not invited to partake in the break. The commercial ends with the above slogan. Aside from the fact that this is an absolutely STUPID campaign in that it equates sloth with using the product, the slogan is ridiculous. What else would they be taking a Cheetos Break with? Funyuns? Tic Tacs? Are they trying to target the world’s dumbest demographic—those who have no idea what the necessary ingredients are in order to take a Cheetos Break? As much as that bothers me, it does not annoy me nearly as much as the next example.
2. One of the personal trainers at my gym is guilty of double redundancy. Everyone in the gym sees her working out with the aesthetically unfortunate and also sees them return to her desk, which is only used by -- you guessed it-- personal trainers. Therefore, it is absolutely redundant that she wears a shirt that says “Personal Trainer”. I would probably let this slide in and of itself because the gym is full of oblivious people. However, I cannot accept this further example of egregious redundancy. There is another line on the shirt directly below the “Personal Trainer” line. This line reads “Ask me about personal training!” What else would I ask you about? How to balance my stock portfolio? The best tourist spots in downtown Chicago? The meaning of life? I can only imagine how fun she must be on a date. Ask her a simple question like how her day went and prepare to hear the same answer multiple times.
3. When people use multiple phrases with the same meaning consecutively.
One of my online hangout spots is a little place called Stickam. While I could write on and on about my experiences there, the only purpose it serves in this blog is as a background. I am often in chatrooms, so I am somewhat fluent in “chatspeak”. One of the most glaring offenses of redundancy occurs when someone decides to end their own statements with both “LOL” and “haha” (or other acronyms such as ROFL, etc. which mean the same thing). First of all, it is poor form to end your own statements with laughter. It is like a comedian standing on stage laughing at his or her own jokes, or a singer clapping at the end of a song. Let the people respond as they see fit. It is NEVER appropriate to stack a “haha” on top of an “LOL”. You are trying way too hard to get us to be amused, and even if I found the initial statement amusing, I am now so put off by your redundancy that I am negatively disposed to the entire statement.
Redundancy is an affliction that affects many in the world today, but it is a fight that can be won. Do your part to slay this dragon. If you or anyone you know has been affected by this, please make a concerted effort to correct this destructive behavior. Together, we can make a difference in creating a less repetitive world for generations to come.
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