2006 in Review: The Bitter Pill that Was

Hey there. It's the end of the year, and in keeping in tradition, I thought I'd give you the rundown of my 2006. While I am grateful to be alive and realize that things could have been much worse, let's just say I'm glad to have gotten it over and done. So here it was.

January: Actually a good month. I got moved to the grocery department at work and started the spring semester. Sadly, the month ended in disappointment, as my Seahawks were robbed of a Super Bowl title.

February: I didn't do anything of much note, other than do a mass virtual flower send-out. While the nice comments I got back in return were nice, don't expect anything like that from me ever again.

March: The month I'd like to forget. While it started out pretty nice with going to my sister's track meets and such, it ended tragically with the loss of my lifelong friend Katie in a car accident. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

April: I turned 19. Good times. People really made my birthday special. Sadly, the loss of Katie ultimately prohibited me from enjoying it.

May: School ended, well at least spring semester did. I participated in an online course and was amazed at the amount of motivation it takes to complete one.

June: This month was spent doing out of the ordinary things, like counselor training in Hanover Park and jury duty in Bridgeview. It was an interesting month and was sort of fun. At this point I thought something new was on the horizon from a relational standpoint, but it wasn't meant to be. Better that way.

July: As I blogged before, the whole camp situation was extremely awkward and unsettled even as I got there. I did wind up being a counselor, and while it wasn't quite the way I had expected, the kids in my room were loads of fun. I learned more from a couple of them than I'm sure they learned from me.

August: The end of summer. I hate having to say goodbye. This time it was even worse as my cousin left for college. At least I started getting involved in Jr. High Church.

September: Ugh month #2. A former teacher of mine passed away, and I got into a car accident. Oh, and going back to TPHS for the Homecoming game was a far from enjoyable experience.

October: I wound up getting pinkeye, but on the bright side, I got a set schedule at work that was very favorable.

November: I went on a field trip to U of I, which was moderately cool. Thanksgiving was awesome as always...I always have good Thanksgivings and Easters.

December: I ended the semester on a high note, but Christmas was horrible. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. Christmas morning ready to barf my brains out--and I did. Christmas for me got delayed until the 26th, and I missed getting to partake in the normal Christmas traditions.

So, this year for the first time since 2002, I stayed home for New Year's. It seemed a fitting end to a melancholy year. I honestly am looking forward to 2007, because it couldn't be any worse than the last two years. :-) Happy New Year!

This Fire Still Burns

This is my second blog of the night, and it's probably more upbeat than the other blog.

To those who have known me as of late, I have probably seemed extremely calm and without any sense of urgency. A competitive edge has been absent as well. Some would probably go so far to say that I need to be checked for a pulse. So the question could be posed: Has Jakob Duehr lost his fire? The answer to that, after a careful amount of introspection, is no. In explaining that answer, I will give you a little bit of insight into some of my current philosophies.

Unlike the Jakob Duehr of a few years back, I see no need to publicize every aspect of my life. I realize that through blogging I let the entire world of the internet get a little glimpse into my life. Quite honestly, these blogs don't scratch the surface of the sum total of my life and desires. Therefore, though my feelings are not verbalized, they are still existent.

As far as urgency goes, I will admit that I have lost that. I believe that things will happen when they are supposed to happen. Pushing the issue sometimes leads to disastrous results. All my problems my last two years of high school were the results of pushing issues. If you have ever heard me say or seen me write "In due time, I'll take what's mine", that's my way of saying I'll let things happen when they are supposed to.

Concerning the issue of a competitive edge, I would not go so far as to say my competitive edge is gone, but rather that I have rechanneled it. I don't care as much about beating someone else as much as doing better than what I have done in the past. I've had enough success in my life. From 1993-2001, pretty much everything I laid my hands on was a success. I'm not saying that to exalt myself; I'm just saying that I was blessed, and it's time for others to get their glory. I have had enough to last me for a good long time. As long as I'm making progress, it's a victory for me.

Personally, I have even joked that I need to be checked for a pulse. Unfortunately, part of the reason for that is because I don't lead as active of a life as I probably should. I'm around 20 lb. above my ideal weight, and I don't exercise near enough. I have experienced enough "bitter pills" to appear outwardly unfazed by what has gone on around me. While I am extremely calm these days, I am not as dead to the world as others probably view me.

I am still affected by things; though I have grown in myself enough not to be as bothered as I used to be. I have enjoyed this period of being laid back, and I don't think I will stray too far from it. However, to those who are wondering, this fire still burns, and it's gonna cause something exciting.

Grinch, Scrooge, both, or neither?

Hey, this is one of two blogs I hope to get in by the time I pack it in for the night. It's not as negative as the title sounds. At least I hope not. But I'll let you decide.

I am personally a huge fan of the Christmas season. It is, all in all, quite cheerful, and I pretty much love every part of it. However, I just can't find myself able to get into it as much as before. In fact, I can only think of one other year (2001) where I wasn't able to get into it. In the case of that year, I was in a really low state emotionally which I think was to blame for the mediocre Christmas. The next four Christmases after that were amazing; but then again, those occurred during a relatively glorious era of my life.

This year, I'm trying to pinpoint the reason why I haven't been able to get into it. It's not like I haven't tried. I even made myself a Christmas mix CD to play in my car and gave my MySpace a holiday theme. Is it because I'm older? Well, I am busier with work, but that's not it. Is it because I'm in a low point emotionally? It has been a rough year overall, but I'm in a pretty good place from a personal standpoint. So, I really am at a loss for my lack of Christmas spirit/excitement. Let's hope I can get it soon.

Interpersonal Communication

Before I start, I wanted to let you know that while this blog is inherently more philosophical than the blog posted yesterday, it is, however, not as philosophical as what I am going to put up in the near future. This is more of an observational blog. It is, also, in and of itself a hypocrisy. You'll figure that out after you read it.

In our lives, there are certain situations or decisions which may seem trivial or logical at the time, but its ramifications extend far beyond that initial decision. I was thinking about one of those situations.

The date was March 3, 2002. I still had all of my 8th Grade graduation money, which was a pretty good amount of cash. The only computer we had in the house was my dad's old business computer from 1996, which used Windows 3.1 and did not have internet access. So, at the time, with my high school career taking off, it seemed like the most logical decision to use that money to purchase a computer with internet access. So, that is what we did.

This computer opened a whole new world of opportunities and information for me. I was able to discover anything and everything I wanted to. I could get music on demand, and I could talk to anybody immediately, provided they were online. The whole concept of instant messenger was particularly intriguing to me because I've never liked to use the telephone. It was amazing, and it allowed me to keep in touch with people who lived far away.

But, the other day, I got to thinking: What would the last four years have been like had I not had this outlet? Would things have been better or worse? Unfortunately, I couldn't come to a decisive answer.

Having the internet as an outlet for communication has limited my social urgency. I don't feel the need to be as social in person because I know I have this to fall back on. Also, I was looking back on all the bad situations that have happened to me, and they have mostly happened because of me acting stupid and/or creepy on the internet. If I didn't have the internet to do those things, life probably would have been a lot easier, and I would have spared myself and my reputation some discomfort. Lastly, for all the positive that can come from the internet, there is an evil that balances it. I wish I could say that I never fell into any of these pits of evil, but if I did, I would be lying to you. In fact, giving in to some of these evils led to my departure from the internet for the last three months of 2004. Not coincidentally, those months were some of the best months of my life, and I look back on it with nothing but good memories. I was able to better understand myself and others, and without the availability of other outlets I was forced to branch out and be publicly social.

Now, this blog wouldn't be fully fair if I did not share with you some of the positives that may not have happened without the internet. For one, I was able to go to camp with the ability to maintain friendships easily. I have friends from four and five years ago that I still remain in communication with. There are other friends that I have actually met through the internet who have become good people to talk to and share interests. Through the internet, I was able to strengthen friendships with people who lived close but I never really had a chance to talk to in person as well. And possibly the biggest thing that has come out of my time on the internet was my old website. That website, its weekly maintenance, and the constant flow of visitors to it helped usher in a new era of my life; a golden era so to speak. It set the stage for an amazing 2003 and 2004, and life hasn't been quite as good since then. Had the website not been created, it is possible that I could have stayed in the rut that I was in at the end of 2002 and never grown as a person.

So, if I had never had the internet, would my life during the last five years have been different? Yes, it would have, both positively and negatively. So where do I go from here? Unfortunately, we do not live in a black and white world, so it is not always feasible to make black and white determinations. Therefore, I'm going to have to try to take the best of both worlds. I'll still utilize the internet for what it does best for me. However, it's time to branch out. Reliance on one particular area in any facet of life leads to stagnation. Quite honestly, I want progress. So, while you'll still be able to catch me on here often, let's hope you can catch me in the real world as well.

Whatever happened to Jakob Duehr?

Well, after coming up with a title for this blog, I began to brainstorm the direction I wanted to take with it. I narrowed it down to quasi-philosophical ramblings or an update on how I've been. For once, I chose the latter. Don't worry, though. I think I have some philosophical ramblings soon to come.

Hmm, I guess I haven't updated my life since the end of summer. Things have certainly been busier than expected. Though I only had 13 hours this semester, the workload for the classes were pretty substantial, as I had a couple pretty big projects to do. I was also able to go on a few field trips: one to a museum in Kankakee, one to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, and one to Reed-Custer Middle School. All the trips had some highlights. I have been pleased with my effort and output scholastically this semester. Let's hope finals go well.

As far as work goes, I'm still at Super Target. Actually, now I am on the Research Team, specifically in scanning outs. I walk around the store with a pad of gray dots and scan whatever we are out of and check to see if we have any in the backroom. It's a pretty easy job, and it ensures that I never work later than 4:30. It's nice having a set schedule and no real boss. Makes me feel sort of important. Heh.

Unfortunately in September those of us affiliated with SCCA had to say goodbye to a former teacher of ours. The funeral, however, was quite nice and was a fitting end to a well-lived life. Concerning Stone, we are celebrating our centennial, which is pretty neat. I have started working in Jr. High Church, which is pretty much amazing. I love it. I think I'm more into it now than I was when I was in Jr. High.

Surprisingly, I haven't really made a fool out of myself recently. I did have one awkward and uncomfortable situation, but it's all taken care of. For the first time in a long time, I think the number of people I hold a grudge against is under ten. Due to my being surprisingly busy, or at least busier than in years past, I haven't been as social as I probably should. That should change come break. From a dating relational standpoint, I'm still where I was, but it's not because of a lack of confidence anymore; it's a lack of motivation. There are probably a few that I could feasibly be interested in, but it's not the due time. But you guys probably don't care about that, unless you have some sort of interest in me.

I'm pleased with the progress I've made as of late, and I'm anxious to see when I can reach the next level of personal development. Thanks for reading. I promise more philosophical ramblings soon.

There's a what on the road?!? Summer Recap

Well, well, well. It seems I have come to the end of my summer, and it is only fitting that I recap it. Summer '06 was certainly an interesting one, and while it didn't match the spectacular summers of '03 and '04, it definitely beat the pants off '05. So without any more rambling, it's time to recap my summer.

The summer started out on a high note, as my sister's track team won conference. The month of May didn't really seem like summer, however, as I was knee-deep in my online Physical Geography class and was doing some heavy cashier hours the good old Super Target. I didn't mind, though, as my friends were home and we hung out a few times.

By the time June rolled around, summer picked up. I had some strange and interesting experiences, such as going for jury duty and heading up to Hanover Park for counselor training. It was at this point that a good friendship seemed to be budding into something more, but in all actuality it was just another bitter pill. Towards the end of the month, I went to a White Sox game. It was a great game. The Sox only managed one hit, but it was a home run by Jim Thome and that proved to be the deciding margin. At this point, I was looking ahead to July and another enjoyable experience at camp, though in a bit of a different capacity.

Camp certainly did not go as expected. The entire week before camp was a roller coaster as to whether I was going to be a counselor or not. As of the morning I left, I was to be support staff. The ride to camp was a journey in and of itself. The church van got a flat on I-55 near Bloomington, delaying us a good hour. Then about 10 miles south we began having other issues. Well, suffice it to say, we got to camp a bit later than hoped for. When I got there, I was put on support staff and was assigned security detail of the field behind the activity center. Around an hour later, I was placed as a counselor instead and given a room where each of the nine guys knew each other. Though our toilet was perpetually clogged and we had to deal with a 16 hour power outage with triple digit temperatures, it was a great time. When I got home, I still had over a month of summer to go.

The last month of summer was not really spent on anything spectacular. It was mainly used to relax and replenish myself for the new schoolyear. I hung out with old friends a few times. I realized this year that saying goodbye is hardest the first time. While I do miss my friends, I am not as upset as I was last year. I'll see them again.

So, to sum it up quickly, this summer was full of interesting experiences, making new friends, staying connected to old friends, and losing some as well. I started to watch more television shows as well. Stuff on the Disney Channel, "My Own", and "The Contender" have become part of my viewing schedule. All in all, I think it was a good summer.

To conclude, I'll clue you in on the blog title. Yesterday I was up at ONU tying some loose ends before the year started. I decided not to take I-57 home but rather Route 45 instead. While I was driving, I notice a bird standing in the middle of the road. As I approached, I realized that it was none other than a pelican. Yes, a pelican. I had never seen one in Illinois in my life, and probably never will again. That strange encounter was the perfect end to a relatively strange summer.

Poser

As many of you know, I have had a general aversion to a store known as Abercrombie & Fitch. The reason for this aversion is still unclear, but it began in 1997 when I received a shirt from there for my birthday. I promptly had my mom return it. I didnt even go in the store and did not set foot in an A&F after.

To understand where this story is headed, I need to give you some background information about the evolution of my fashion (or depending on whom youre asking, lack thereof). When the 2000s began, I sported football jerseys and windpants religiously. By June 2003, I began to care what I looked like, and by 2004 most would say I became a full-fledged prep in my style of dress. I went from shopping at Montgomery Wards (thank goodness that place shut down) to places such as Old Navy and Hollister. This new, evolved look gave me a greater amount of self-confidence to face the world. With this in mind, I set off to Orland Square Mall this Friday for some Back to School shopping.

I started this trek at 1 pm with cash in pocket and a smile on my face. I decided to stick to stores that coincided with my image, so Mom, Dad, and Me and Hip-Hop Nation were out of the question. I started out at Aeropostale and didnt find anything quite like I was looking for. My summer/early fall wardrobe is pretty much complete, so I was looking for some warmer, late fall/early winter stuff. They didnt have it there, nor did H&M, the Gap, or the Buckle. American Eagle soon followed. I decided at that point to pull out the ace in my sleeve, Hollister. I have had great success there as of late, and I genuinely like their clothing. However, the one warmer article of clothing was not quite what I was looking for, so I left empty handed thinking I was out of options. Thats when a big moose stared me in the face.

At that point, I was left with a choice: end a 19 year streak of refusing to enter an Abercrombie, or ensure that I go home with nothing. I took a deep breath and walked in. Though I was dressed relatively preppy (complete with popped collar), I felt immediately out of place. The store even had a literal scent of arrogance, and I wanted to get out as soon as possible. There was nothing there that I liked, and even less that I was willing to pay for.

As I left the mall empty handed minus a Choco Taco, I asked myself, Did I just sell out? After pondering it for a while, I was a bit surprised at what my response to that question was. Yes, you have sold out, but you did that two years ago. I was always convinced that aesthetic inadequacies were responsible for my failures with the opposite sex. Therefore, I didnt take much time improving the product but rather decided to create an image: The Best Jakob Money Can Buy. Yes, this new image has given me more self-confidence, but I was left with another question.

At what cost has this image come? Have I gotten any new friends out of it? No, if anything my arrogance has cost me new friendships. I still have the same core group of friends, and theyd like me just as much whether I was in a tuxedo or in my underwear. Have I gotten a girlfriend? Negative. Not even close. Probably cost myself a few opportunities. I know I irreparably damaged a friendship in February 2005 due to this image. Have I improved as a person? No. I have become an insensitive buttface with little regard for anything not involving the word Jakob. So, what have I gotten out of this new image? MySpace picture comments from people Ive never met and probably will never meet? Oh goody. Thats worth a whole lot. Ive even let myself go from a physical and healthy standpoint because I believed that my clothes and image would cover it up.

Now, dont get me wrong. I like what I wear, and that style I feel I look best in. So when I do complete my Back to School shopping, expect me to be dressed in the same kinds of stuff I wear now. However, I will make one thing clear. At this point in my life, I am a poser, and I dont like it one bit.

Bitter Pills

Another day produces another blog. I've actually been thinking about this one for a while, so hopefully some valuable thoughts have been made.

Well, I've been thinking about how life gives us bitter pills to swallow. I've been force-fed more than my share in the last year or so, and quite honestly, I've hated it. Some of the main bitter pills that I've had to deal with have been second place and rejection. I used to hate coming up short with such a ferocity that I'd rather not come close than to encounter a near miss. However, I've been thinking about bitter pills.

The only time we physically need bitter pills is when we are ill. These pills do two things for us: they make us stronger and make us better. However, we do not need to take these pills forever. We get to a point where we are strengthened and well to the point that they are unnecessary.

Therefore in my life, I'm resigned to taking these bitter pills. I may not always like them, but I know they will strengthen and improve me to the point that as a person, they won't affect me anymore. So come what will and come what may, give me your best pill. It'll only make me better.

Grown Up

Well, I have heard it said by some that growing up is a gradual process. As of this time last year, I would've agreed. However, the last 365 days of my life have been a rather tumultuous journey. On July 22, 2005, I arrived back to Tinley Park from the last Senior High Camp I could attend as a camper. While it wasn't my best camp, it was definitely an enjoyable experience. While I was there, I felt like it was my last hurrah as a kid. What I experienced the next year after that was much more than I expected.

In August, I had to deal with some very scary personal issues. In due time, it might be expedient to share, but for now, it is best left at that. I had to endure one of the most traumatic events of my life that I still shudder at the thought of. Later that month, I had to say goodbye to some lifelong friends as they embarked on college journeys from coast to coast. In the month of September, my journey was about to begin.

I began the month of September with my first day of classes at Olivet Nazarene University. The very next day, I began working for the first time ever. Having to adjust to one would have been difficult enough; dealing with both was miserable. For my first three months at my job, I was forced to work until close, meaning I didn't get out until they let me. That could be as late as 2 AM. I eventually got into the swing of school (not without one minor incident with a classmate that I can laugh about now), but work was extremely difficult, especially since I woke up at 5 in the morning for class. One night in December, I decided to leave when my shift stated instead of closing as they would have liked. That decision nearly cost me my job. Thankfully and miraculously, Target had mercy on me and even let me change my availability after the holidays so I did not have to close anymore. At that point, I felt that 2006 was looking up.

The only struggles I had the first two months of the year were minor, and my great disappointment was the Seahawks' loss in Super Bowl XL. My love life was nonexistent, but that didn't matter. Things were definitely seeming to be rising when I got the call that a lifelong friend had passed away. I had not ever even had a close relative pass away, so I really did not know how to deal with such loss. To this day, I do not know if I do. I finished my second semester on a high note yet with a heavy heart.

The beginning of the summer was certainly interesting. I had to work as a cashier at Target while taking an online course. Those courses take a great deal of motivation, and I am extremely fortunate to have fared as well as I did. I went to Hanover Park, IL for counselor training as a way to give back to the camp. However, I was notified a week before camp that I was being placed as support staff due to my age. I was extremely disappointed and was not really looking forward to going, especially since none of my buddies were.

When I got to camp, things changed. Due to a counselor shortage, I was given a room of students. It was a different experience looking out for the well-being of nine teen boys instead of trying to have the best time possible personally. While this was certainly different, it was definitely rewarding, and the experience was invaluable.

When I got home from camp, I realized that I have come full circle in the past year. I have gone from a kid just looking to kill the time the way I know best to a young adult assuming more and more responsibility with each passing day. The only constant of life is change; and though I am one who clings to the past, I am excited to see what lies ahead.

I don't like July 12th

Honestly, I hate the day. Nothing good of it has come in the 2000s. In 2000 and 2001, I was pretty much rejected. In 2001, it was a brutal rejection. In 2k2, I was pretty much depressed. In '03 and '04 nothing too great happened, and from what I remember, '05 was pretty blah. Today I learned that I am indeed still capable of feeling intense emotions. Have you ever planned something two months before and ever since then built it up in your mind only to find out it won't be nearly what you hoped? I have. Next year I think I'm going on vacation from July 12th.

JD 333

Well, loyal readers, I have been wanting to post this blog for a while but had lacked motivation. Due to the imminent 5-part series starting next Monday, I found it most expedient to post this blog today. In keeping with the "Get a degree in JD" series, I have taught you general information about myself and have moved on to giving you a heads-up on some of the nuances of my personality, I decided to again kick it up a notch. This time JD and the Power of 3 combine to bring you JD 333: The Unabridged History. Sit back, 'cause this one's going to be a doozy.

To start the story off, we'll start when I began. I was born April 4, 1987. Nothing of too much consequence occurred for the first couple years of my life (at least anything that I can remember) other than the arrival of my sister in 1989, a necessary and much-appreciated arrival to the family.

By the time I was three, in 1990, I was sporting the mullet and a very outgoing personality. I made Mr. Rogers look like Oscar the Grouch. As the legend goes, I even went so far as to allow a girl to bite me in the face. I don't much remember it, but there are enough credible sources to verify the story. This era of my personality lasted until 1992.

In 1992, I entered kindergarten. I struggled to find my niche for most of the schoolyear and started to turn inward a bit. It was a rough beginning to my schooling. By the end of the year, I came into my own and developed into a friendly, yet rambunctious child, a phase that lasted until 1995. During this time, I was never hesitant to make new friends, and even had little to no fear of rejection, as evidenced by my pursuit of a girl named Cassie from 1993-1994.

By 1995, I had begun to gain weight and was out of shape. Also, that year, my family left Stone Church for Christian Hills. It was not a good time for me, as I was never really accepted at that church and had no choice but to hang out with the misfits and troublemakers. During this time, I had the tendency to not think before I acted while also becoming more of an introvert. It did not help that also during this period I was often used as a physical and verbal punching bag in tae kwon do by one of the instructors. This phase lasted until 1999.

By 1999, I began a personal renaissance. I had undergone a growth spurt that eliminated me of the chunkiness and began to exhibit some athleticism (though I still ran on my toes, an unfortunate habit that did not leave me until 2004). I was freer to be myself at times and act out in ways. It was at this time I truly found my group of friends, and we've hung out ever since. In 2000, my family returned to Stone. I finally gave up having crushes on celebrities and actually fell for a real girl. Due to my inexperience and immaturity, I hilariously fell on my face in that pursuit, but as you can see, I've lived and learned in a way. The renaissance lasted from 1999 to 2001, culminating with my graduation from Stone Church Christian Academy.

In 2001, I moved out of the parochial bubble and on to public school. That summer, I experienced my first taste of rejection at Junior High Camp, a feeling that I will probably never forget. When I started high school, I didn't know how to act, how to dress, and who I really was. Therefore, for my first couple months of high school I was basically silent. This silence some unfortunately viewed as arrogance, and the first semester was an absolute nightmare. By the beginning of 2002, I decided it was time to try to make a name for myself.

By the middle of 2002, I had gone through a bunch of personality gimmicks because none of them really seemed to fit me. I wasn't making any more friends from any of them, either. Then, I got the idea to be as strange as possible. I'd use large words rarely heard in conversation and drop the word "disturbed" every chance I got. Well, this behavior certainly got everyone's attention, but couldn't quite keep it. Then, I knew exactly how to hold it. This idea became known as Inside the Mind of Jakob Duehr.

Inside the MInd of Jakob Duehr was my AOL Hometown website that I updated weekly, long before blogs became trendy. I'd start the column with a dedication, then move on to a top 10, random opinions, a column airing disturbances, and the occasional DFilm movie. For whatever reason, this website did gain a lot of popularity, receiving over 10,000 hits in six months.

Midway through the "Website Era", I decided to end my three year run as a member of the youth group at Palos Bible Church because I never felt like I fit in. In retrospect, much of that was because I felt inferior because I was younger, which transferred to shyness and the occasional erratic behavior. Upon leaving that youth group due to feeling my time there was up, I really introspected. I decided to drop all goofy gimmicks and become myself. If people liked it, fine. If not, there's nothing I can do to change it, as their liking me due to some sort of gimmick isn't really liking me anyways. This realization led to another quasi-Renaissance in me, as I grew in joy and in self-esteem.

This growth abruptly ended in August 2003. As I have been prone to do from time to time, I acted strangely online with a girl I had never met causing a growing problem that culminated with a confrontation in the hallway of TPHS in January 2004. In retrospect, I still really didn't know how to act and didn't have enough confidence in myself. This for lack of a better word, stupid behavior caused irreparable damage to my reputation at Tinley and delayed personal development for about a year. By March 2004, I was done making excuses and was ready to get on with my life.

In late 2004, I did not touch a computer for three months. This was one of the greatest periods in my life, as I really got to learn more about myself and the people around me. That portion of my school year was my favorite time I had at Tinley Park High School, and I wouldn't trade those three months for anything.

However, it was not smooth sailing after that. In early 2005 I had two situations that I brought upon myself that were extremely uncomfortable. One had to do with a recurrence of erratic behavior at TPHS, that again, in retrospect, was greatly my fault. The other was in a conversation with a friend of mine/on again, off again love interest where I ran my mouth off a bit too far. I learned in these situations that, while I have come a long way, I still have a long way left to go.

August 2005 started another era for me, that of a working college student. While it started out with some bumps and bruises, it has overall gone quite well, and I have been able to view personal progress instead of stagnation or regression. I truly believe that I have come a long way these last nineteen years, and I am extremely excited where the next few years will take me. Would you like to join me on the ride?

JD 202

On an unrelated note but unworthy of a separate blog, yesterday I was appalled at what I believe to be an example that our society is not morally fibrous. A father was pushing his young son no older than four around Target when the boy asked rather loudly "Where are the [bleeping] toys?" To my dismay, the father did not reprimand the child or even seem to notice. But I digress.

After a much longer delay than expected, here is JD 202: The Quirks and Nuances that Comprise Who I Am

-I don't mind talking on the phone, but I hate making calls. Rare is the day that my cell phone is actually turned on.
-I love to shop at Hollister but have such an aversion to Abercrombie & Fitch that I have not set foot in one ever. And yes, I do know they're affiliated.
-I have not eaten sloppy joes since I was six years old not only because I do not like them but also because I am of the belief that they cause "weird" dreams.
-When eating at a restaurant and ordering a burger with fries, I proceed to eat every single fry before digging into my burger.
-I eat my burgers, hot dogs, and tacos plain. I absolutely hate condiments.
-I have begun to write at least four books but never completed them due to lack of interest or a shift in philosophy.
-At one point, I believed that long-distance relationships were better than hometown ones. I also had the Side Dish Theory, which in retrospect was pretty offensive.
-I cannot whistle normally. I can make a whistling sound by inhaling rather than exhaling.
-I never learned how to ride a bike and never intend to do so as I have my driver's license and a car.

Well, those were a few of the many quirks and nuances that comprise me. Stay tuned for Jakob Duehr 333.

Things are more like they are now than they ever have been.

Well, it's been about a month since I last blogged. I certainly didn't intend for it to be that long, but quite often life doesn't turn out as intended. This past month has certainly been eventful, so I'll give you just a little rundown.

To start the month, I drove up to Hanover Park for counselor training. The trip there was long overdue, as I had promised myself for quite a while that I would go up to Evangel to visit my buddies. Meh, they probably haven't missed me that much. In any case, that went well, but wasn't really anything I didn't already know considering I am a seasoned veteran of Sr. High Camp, which takes place from July 17-21. I'm pumped.

I had jury duty at the Bridgeview courthouse. While listening to my iPod and reading the last book in the Left Behind Series, I was also able to watch Oprah and The Price is Right. After watching those and a video about courtroom procedures narrated by Lester Holt, I was free to go, as there were no new trials. Sweet deal!

For the first two weeks of the month, I finished up Physical Geography. Note to you kiddies: never take an online summer course unless you have motivation of iron. It is tough to sit around doing work while your friends are enjoying themselves. But alas, I am done, and I did much better than previously expected.

My grandparents' pool is open, and I am excited about that. If any of you who live in relatively close proximity to me would like to come along sometime, just let me know. It'll be good times.

I didn't work too much at Target at the beginning of the month, but my hours have begun to pick up, which is a good thing for summer, I guess. I got another one of their famous "Thank you" notes a little while back. I can't believe it's almost been a year that I've worked there.

I took my Basic Skills Test for teacher education. One word: joke. No wonder we have so many teachers who probably belong in other professions.

At one point, it looked as if I were going to be making my first successful pursuit in a long time, but 'twas not to be at this time. I sort of sensed within myself that it was not the Due Time, and for that reason I was fine with it. I still wonder if I find the chase to be better than the catch.

Finally, I looked at my cell phone, and I have only gotten four incoming calls the entire month. Yikes. If you have my number, ring me up. If not, ask me for it.

Well, that's been the last month. Stay tuned soon for Jakob Duehr 202 and 333.

My Chocolate Loves Me

So, you know how those Dove Dark Chocolates have little messages inside? Over the years, they've provided me with a few gems such as "Send a real letter, not an e-mail" and something concerning the due time (the phrase escapes me, as I ate it in mid-2004). Today at my grandparents' house, I enjoyed some more of this chocolate, and I received some interesting messages. My cousin also had a message for me with the piece of chocolate that he ate.

His message: "You look good in red." At the time, I was wearing my Target outfit, as I just came from work and was wearing a red shirt.
My message #1: "There's no excuse not to dream." Rather encouraging, I'd say.
Message #2: "If they can do it, you know you can." Few truer words have ever been spoken.

To conclude, my chocolate loves me. Does yours love you?

Happy Endings?

I was going to post Jakob Duehr 202, but I have decided to delay that blog as something else has been on my mind.

I have seen it posted on people's MySpaces and elsewhere that "Happy endings do exist." However, as I have come to think of it in my life and in the lives of others around me, I sort of believe that the term is relative. I think that one person's happy ending can be another's ultimate defeat. For instance, a wedding (or even a high school prom) can be the happy ending for the groom (guy) but the last defeat for a guy who really loved the bride/girl (and arguably was better for her).

This Wednesday on American Idol, someone will receive a happy ending in the form of the title and a recording contract. But what of those who have lost? Elliott Yamin has the vocal skills to net himself a record deal, but since he didn't win, will someone else's happy ending be his ultimate defeat?

In life, those of us who are believers in Christ find solace in the assurance that He is coming again some day to redeem us. But in that day of happy ending for us, even that marks the ultimate demise of those who did not make the choice that we did.

After thinking about this, I have concluded that I no longer wish to live for the happy endings in lives. They're too relative. Instead, I'd rather live to be The Best Jakob Money Can Buy. Endings are what they are. I can do my best at something and still lose. I can't really worry about all the end results but rather the road I took to get there.

JD 101

Note from Jakob: This was written in 2006. Much of the info is either invalid or irrelevant. Happy stalking!

I have come to the realization that though you might "know" me, you really don't know too much about me unless you have been in my circle of friends and confidants over the years. Therefore, I am beginning a new series of blogs to hopefully aid you in understanding me. This is the first blog in the series, titled JD 101: Introduction and Basic Information.

Personal Information
Birthdate: April 4, 1987
Hometown: Tinley Park, IL
Family: Father (Dan), Mother (Lynn), 17 year old sister (Heidi).

Educational History
Stone Church Christian Academy (1992-2001)
Tinley Park High School (2001-2005)
Olivet Nazarene University (2005-)

Work History
Super Target in Tinley Park (9/2005-current): Sales Floor Team Member

Favorites
NBA Team: Chicago Bulls
NFL Team: Seattle Seahawks
NHL Team: Ottawa Senators
MLB Teams: Chicago (AL and NL)
Movie: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Color: Blue
Number: 31
Car: My 2005 Chevrolet Cobalt
TV Show: American Idol

Activities
SCCA Basketball (1999-2001; MIP given in 2001)
Drama Team at Palos Bible Church (2001-2003); part of IFCA National Champion team in 2002
Class Officer (2002-2005)
NHS (2003-2005)
Newspaper (2003-2005)
Black belt in tae kwon do from 21st Century Martial Arts (1995-1998)
Piano player (1992-1998; still occasionally plays)

Well, that's just intro level stuff. Check out upcoming blogs to dig deeper into me.

The Optimal

Hey, it's that time again. I actually have a great deal on my mind, so if you'll bear with me, I hope it will be thought provoking.

Well, to start it off, there have been a couple of phrases that have been stuck in my head as of late. The first is "Optimal is imminent," more commonly stated as "The best is yet to come." I hear people saying that all the time, and I began to think if it was true or not. In my own life, in looking back to 2000 and 2003 (and to a lesser extent, 2004), I began to wonder if my best was behind me. In looking in the mirror, certainly my physique has seen better days. Or what if I am currently seeing the best days that I'll ever see? I was left pondering this for a couple days until I reached a conclusion.

These thoughts drew me to one conclusion: the best is behind us; the best is with us; and the best is ahead of us. I believe all our steps have been ordained before our time so that each day we are living in the optimal situation for our lives in our personal development. What, then, of the saying "The best is yet to come"? I came to this conclusion: I do not think that the statement fully grasps what people's true desires are. When they are making that statement, they are holding out hope that the "most appealing" is imminent in their lives. However, I do not believe that the "most appealing" is the best. There are trials in our lives that we must face in order to become the people whom we are called to be. Therefore, we have lived our best days, are currently living them, and will continue to live them until our time on earth is complete.

The second statement was actually a statement I made in an instant message conversation: "In due time, I'll take what's mine." I have actually received many questions about that phrase in the last week that I have used it as my away message. I have come to the conclusion that there are times in life that we need to be proactive in achieving our desires. However, I believe in such a thing as appropriate proactivity. Not all our desires can be or should be fulfilled immediately. There are externalities that should be taken into consideration before we act upon our own desires, because sometimes what we feel to be best for ourselves can cause undue harm or pain to another. I believe that our desires should be considered thoughtfully and prayerfully, then we should move when the time is right. Just like anyone else, I have desires for myself and for my life, and I know to fulfill these desires I need to be proactive. However, it's not the due time. When it is the due time, you can be sure I'll do what I can to take what I hope to be mine.

Well, that's been what I've had on my mind as of late. I hope I provoked thoughts within you and that it was a relatively interesting read.

An Update of Sorts

The last time I wrote to you I wrote with a heavy heart. While my heart is still not fully healed (and most likely will never be), I am in a better state than I last was. Here is an update on my life.

I turned 19 on April 4th. I am amazed by the outpouring of well wishes given to me throughout the day. I was floored, as I am undeserving of such love and attention. You guys really did a great job of making it a great birthday.

Easter was today and an enjoyable experience. I was able to get to church this morning and it was a good time, though they did not sing as many traditional Easter songs as I would have liked. I got to see both sides of the family. I greatly overate and starting tomorrow I am beginning a diet/exercise regimen so I won't be the least-in-shape person in my house anymore, which will be hard since Dad, Mom, and Heidi are freaks of nature. Nonetheless, I shall try.

Only about two more weeks of school. I'm excited for my friends to come back for the summer. I know there's still much left to be done in the classroom, so I won't be overlooking it but instead will finish strong with an eye on the future.

I am still single. I have concluded that "The One" will not come from Tinley Park High School, or, barring a miracle, Olivet Nazarene University. This "One" will most likely come as a result of my camp pursuits or will be someone from somewhere unforseen. I anxiously await the day. Let me announce at this moment that I do not get afraid from empty internet threats from any girl's boyfriend, especially if the buttface has hurt her in the past.

I am always looking for more friends, so leave me one. I anxiously await it.

Reality Check

So, a couple days ago, I ran my mouth off in a blog as usual. I say whatever I feel like without any fear of repercussions. But never in my life have those words felt so trivial.

Yesterday, March 28, 2006, a lifelong friend was taken from us. Katie Prosapio was killed in a horrific car crash. Let me take some time to talk about our friendship and the person she was.

Katie and I met in preschool/Sunday School. Over the next fifteen years, we moved from acquaintances to friendly rivals (in the Spelling Bee and Math Olympics) to good friends. She always had an ear for listening. I remember specifically one night in 2000 where I talked to her over 5 hours straight about my obsession with Becky Jackson. She could've easily just hung up, but she was there for me.

As we graduated from SCCA and only got together at church and in the youth group, our friendship actually grew, as was the case with most of my Stone friends. We'd talk nearly everyday on the phone. I remember the period between 2002-2003 where her grandfather passed away and we were both in a depressive rebellious stage. We would talk for hours about all these things we were going to do, though we both knew that we'd never do those things. As the years went on since 2003, we spoke less as our lives moved in different directions, but we still were friends.

Katie had a knack for making people feel special. She called on my birthday every year since 2000. Next Tuesday's going to feel so empty. The last time we talked was on Super Bowl Sunday. She had remembered that I am a huge Seahawks fan, so she called at halftime to wish my team luck. I had no idea it would be the last time we'd ever talk. She even quit her job in the summer of 2004 to show loyalty to an old friend. That's the kind of person she was.

Katie taught me two things about life. One, it was alright for guys and girls to just be friends without any pressure of romance. It took me many years to figure that out. Also, she taught me how to follow after God's will wholeheartedly and never look back. The world's gotten a lot emptier, but heaven's gotten a fresh infusion.

To those of you who are still remaining and feel the same way as myself, never forget to love. Life is short. Love to live and live to love. Never let anyone slip through the cracks. You never want to miss out on one more chance. I apologize for not being as good as I could have been these last few years, but I thank God for giving me chances time after time after time. I love you all, and I know we'll be strong.

Some Thoughts

Hello, hello. It's been a while since I made public the thoughts in my mind, so I decided it was expedient to do so today in the form of a blog.

First things first, my 19th birthday is April 4th. Please shower me with love and affection on that day.

Now, on the matter at hand. In thinking about my successes and failures in the dating world, I have come to the realization that at this point in my life there are only between 3-5 people I could see myself being with, 3 for sure (I'm not saying there could be more in the future, but as for now, it's only this many). Unfortunately, one of them lives on the East Coast, one in Southern (though she'd probably say Central) Illinois, and one in the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago. To top it off, one (whose personality arguably completes mine best of the three) has a boyfriend whom I do not really know but I dislike anyways. Seems like a buttface, but who knows.

That is where I am at a dilemma. In any of these three situations, what do I do? It is not necessarily the best decision to make a long distance pursuit. What's more, at what cost am I willing to take a risk? Is it worth bringing uncomfortability to a friendship? This brings up the idea of selfishness. Is it selfish for me to act on my own desires if it possibly endangers another? Am I wrong in seeking personal fulfillment instead of enriching others? Do I sit back and make people feel better where most of the time I'm not feeling all that great about myself? These are the questions I must consider as I live each day of my life.

It has been brought to my attention that one of my greatest qualities is making "others feel comfortable". That is a good quality to have, I guess. That quality has sort of allowed me to serve as a buffer zone for some girls. After a rough breakup, they come to me for encouragement and rebuilding, all the while knowing that we are not meant to be, nor do I have a desire for us to be. As I encourage them and build them up, I help them get to a point where they are ready to move on with their lives. Once they do, I am discarded. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, nor am I bitter towards them. I'm just stating how it is. However, will there come a point where my well of comfortability and buffering will run dry?

These are the things I am considering in my life. Ultimately, it boils down to this. Is it alright for us to look out for ourselves, and if it is, what is the point of no return? How can we realize we have gone too far, and how can we get things under control after that.

No matter my choices, remember I still love you, and that your choices are no better or worse than mine. The places we'll go will be great, but we will need to endure the not-so-great places to soar above the rest.

Why Jakob Duehr doesn't do Valentine's Day

Hello, hello. It's that time of year again. Supposedly some holiday's coming up? Meh, nobody told me. Actually, I'd rather choose not to celebrate it. Sit back and let me take you on a journey through my mind.

I have celebrated the 14th of Feb. twice in my life. In 1994, I made/gave Cassie a pin or barrette or something, and she gave me chocolate. Not a bad trade-off by any means. Sadly, she moved away months later. In 1997, I bought Amy a Beanie Baby. In return, I got a Reese's Peanut Butter Heart. Again, not too shabby. However, in the modern era (2000-present), I have not been so fortunate. In 2000, V-Day occurred two days before I met Becky, my first true crush. Meh, nothing came of it anyways. In '01, I was still seething from Becky's not being single and spent V-Day in self-pitying bitterness. In '02, I was lamenting Becky's sister Rachel's being taken. In '03, I was too busy attending to my website. However, a couple weeks later I would meet Mollie who eventually became my girlfriend of four weeks. In '04, I had difficulties escaping the whole stalker situation with Colleen and had to lay low so to speak. Last year, I was extremely ill on V-Day and decided to wait until Turnabout to try to advance things with a girl named Jamie from my study hall. Worst decision I ever made. From 2002-present, I have also tried to maintain a friendship/pursuit with a girl named Jessica, yet I have been unsuccesful all this time.

There are countless other awkward situations that would also contribute to my singularity; my relative lack of motivation in a public setting with females causes them to think I am a major buttface, so to speak. So, you know what I do instead? I find every girl whose e-mail address I know and send them virtual flowers. More likely than not they are single as well, so it's a little way to let them know someone cares. Some like them, others get freaked out, but it's my unorthodox way of showing my love.

I'm not sure how many more years I'll be doing "V-Day" this way. I could probably use a healthy portion of love. Maybe not, but I leave you with these lyrics:

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Love always,
<3jakob<3

One Step Short

I write this to you with a heavy heart. After nearly a decade of being a fan, enduring countless mockery and ridicule, my beloved Seahawks made it to the big dance, Super Bowl XL. No, I never lived in Seattle. Yes, I am well aware that there are very few non-Seattle Seahawks fans. Any more questions? Anyways, for the most part, they played well in this game, but due to some questionable calls and some extremely *lucky* plays by Pittsburgh, the Seahawks fell just short. As the game wore down, I realized why I am a Seahawks fan.

See, the Seahawks and I have a lot in common. I too do not necessarily have the largest fan base, just those who live around me or are close to me. Just as their logo is unique, I am an extremely unorthodox individual. And like the Seahawks, I try my hardest, but I generally come up one step short, either by my own doing or by circumstances I can not control. I missed a full scholarship to ONU by one question on the ACT. At Trinity, I lost the Founder's by a questionable call. There have been many times in relationships where I am so close to what I want I can taste it, but that's as close as I'm going to get. So, what do the Seahawks and I do? Brush ourselves off, train harder, and give it our all next time around.

New Blog, Same Jakob

Hello, hello. You should know by now that we're about due for another blog. I don't have anything really deep to say but will touch on a few issues.

People affiliated with SCCA need to grow up.
What happened in November is in the past. No need for people to need to pick sides; no need to be rebellious and cause further division. Just put it to rest for the sake of the kids.

Seahawks 28-14 in Super Bowl XL
This is the day I've waited for since 1998. I've invested too much interest and money into merchandise to see them fall just short. Though, since I like them, they will probably do just that.

If I'm good enough to be your MySpace friend, allow me the decency to comment.
Seriously, if you didn't want me to talk to you, you shouldn't have accepted my friend request. Are you embarrassed of me? If any comments that I leave that are non-offensive get deleted, then I will just end our friendship then and there, MySpace and real life. If you deny me, then I will deny you.

For the 9th straight year, I will not be observing Valentine's Day.
I have no desire to waste time or money on a holiday that has absolutely no relevance to me. I have no desire to waste time or money on a female that will eventually have no relevance to me. I'm not bitter, am I?

Where was I at this time last year?
In Feb. '05, I lost Founders' Weekend at Trinity, got a horrendous cold, and got shot down at Turnabout at TPHS. Great month, huh?

Where will I be at this time next year?
Probably a bit more happy and subdued, without a beard, extremely focused on life and understanding people, and still with a lot of things that need to get laid to rest.