Confession time: I have often preached balance, both in conversations and on my blog, but I am pretty bad at it. Actually, “pretty bad” is far too kind. I am miserably imbalanced in some areas. Particularly, I have an issue when it comes to caring.
When I get an idea in my head, I devote nearly all my time and energy to it. In some cases, this can be a good thing. Some of my greatest accomplishments can be attributed to the relentless pursuit I made toward my goals. I was able to lose significant amounts of weight twice and run two marathons. My drive got me there.
However, I am learning that it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, the more I care, the more I press. When I was in high school, my #1 goal was to receive a full scholarship to college. Since my athletic skills were decent but not elite, I knew that a scholarship would have to come as a result of my academic abilities. My school of choice (and eventual alma mater) awarded full scholarships with a composite ACT score of 34. I studied my rear off for that. I worked and worked and took the test a number of times. I got a 33.25. I missed by one question.
Years later, I worked as a tutor and ACT instructor at a learning center. In order to become an ACT instructor at the center, I had to take the ACT all over again. At least I was told I had to; as time went on, I began to believe that they only made me take the test to see how “smart” I actually was. I really didn’t care how I did. There was no stress on me at all. I got a 35.
My greatest exhibition of imbalance comes in my relationships with the opposite sex. Things are usually great with someone before I realize I have a romantic interest in them. Once I come to that realization, I usually bring about my own death knell. I do too much. I try too hard. It’s not pretty, and honestly, it doesn’t work. In my younger days, it usually led to a major blowup between me and the object of my affection culminating in me being told off.
What scares me sometimes is the success I have in things when I no longer care about them. As I said before, I did better on the ACT when there was no pressure on me. The same people who blow up at me generally tend to change their opinion of me when I no longer give a care about them. As long as I don’t reciprocate their care, things are alright. Once the care returns, the cycle continues.
This presents a problem. Obviously, caring about something signifies that we desire success in that area. Once we want something, we start to care about it. That is natural. It would be odd if we did not care about the things we wanted and cared about the things we did want.
So, can the problem of caring be solved? I think so, to an extent. I can’t always change what I care about, but I can do my best to limit the pressure I put on myself when I do start to care about something. I cannot put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Sometimes I spend so much time worrying about failure that I do not put myself in a position to succeed. Failure happens, and success takes time. Balance is out there. Maybe I’ll find it someday. Maybe.
