Tuesday, December 31, 2019

The 2010s in Review

As I sit here in the very same room at the very same desk I wrote a similar post 10 years ago, I am filled with conflicting feelings regarding the completion of this decade and myself at large. While I am pleased with the fact I have undergone more growth than I probably even realize, I still can't shake these feelings of self-loathing. I am better than who I once was, but I am not who or where I want to be.

I entered the 2010s as a scared kid who knew nothing but wasn't strong enough to ask for help. I floundered at the beginning of the decade. I had no idea how to get where I wanted to be, so I just gave up. I stayed up late wasting time on Stickam, stopped exercising, and slept all day. I couldn't realize that *I* was the reason I was stuck in my situation, not the economy, not my past, not anything else. Eventually, I got it together, but my path to where I am now was more bumpy and circuitous than I had anticipated (then again, I was an unrealistic idealist who did not anticipate any adversity, so I got what I got).

Around 2011 and 2012, I almost gave up teaching. I'm glad I didn't, because 1) I'm pretty darn good at it, and 2) I have no idea what I would have done. I'd like to think I could've been a professional wrestler, but I don't know if I would have had the fortitude to have seen that through. I spent the decade in some pretty tough situations, from an alternative school to a public school where I was dead man walking as soon as I was hired because it was a one year position to the most unique school I have ever been a part of, I can't say I would have selected this path for myself, but it was the path I was meant to travel. The students and staff I have encountered have empowered me to sharpen my teaching philosophy and methods and have granted me greater clarity in terms of what I want to accomplish in the 2020s and beyond.

There was a whole lot of loss this decade. I lost two grandparents. I lost someone who was like another uncle to me. I fell in love twice, and I lost them both (and to be honest, I still haven't fallen out of love with one). The friends I had for the entirety of the 1990s and 2000s have, for all intents and purposes, left me behind. I talk to one semi-regularly and harbor no animosity toward another, but our paths diverged, and they decided there was no place on their path to build a bridge back to me. It is daunting to know that the losses I have incurred this decade will only continue for the rest of my life, but I try not to think of it so much.

I have gained plenty this decade as well. I ran two marathons. I completed my master's degree. I am nearing culmination of a doctorate. I connected with members of bands who wrote songs that changed my life. I have created meaningful, sustainable friendships at every stop along the way. I became an uncle. I found my voice and my strength. I learned how to accept and be refined by my failures and to not ignore my limitations. Ultimately, I became the person I was always capable of becoming. I exit the decade as someone with greater self-awareness, self-understanding, and self-motivation.

And yet, I still can't escape this feeling that I didn't do enough. I prioritized certain things and certain people, and I may have missed some opportunities along the way. I have gotten better about not comparing myself to others in terms of timelines (as very little in life is linear), but at times I hesitated, and I lost. I don't have the dream house, the dream job, or the dream family. Sometimes I hate myself for it. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. However, I have to remind myself to be content in what I have and continue to do the work I can to make it all happen someday.

I enter the next ten-year window of my life both excited and exhausted. My successes and my failures have taken a lot out of me, certainly from an emotional sense. I don't know where my life is headed, but I do know I will give everything I have to reach my goals. By hook or by crook, I will find a way. I don't know what the future has in terms of how much I will write. Maybe I'll have another big year of writing; maybe I'll stick to 3-5 posts per year. I thank you all for having contributed to this journey, and I encourage you to stick around for what's next.

Oh, and as for my rankings this decade,

1. 2015
2. 2011
3. 2012
4. 2018
5. 2016
6. 2019
7. 2013
8. 2010
9. 2014
10. 2017

2019 in Review

One of the benefits to maintaining this blog is the ability to look back at seasons of my life of great growth and progress or, conversely, seasons of great struggle and challenge. 2019 was, quite honestly, neither; however, I entered the year fully cognizant of the idea that this year was going to be simply a year of building and "putting in the work", so to speak. I had to be okay with the idea that this was not going to be a year of landmark moments but instead a year in which I had to put my head down and trudge forward. Since 2017, I have looked at 2020 as the year of big moments and big moves. For that to occur, I had to be willing to accept 2018 and 2019 as building-block years. That said, plenty happened this year, and it is my annual honor to walk you through my year that was.

Growth Through Failure
While ultimately I am still set up very well to become Dr. Duehr in 2020 (currently September 20, 2020 is the target date), there were moments during which that notion felt tenuous at best. The first time I turned in my concept paper to achieve doctoral candidacy and commence work on my dissertation, I was denied. Instead of digging deep within myself and finding the tenacity to move forward, I fully admit I initially crumbled under the pressure and turned inward. Fortunately, a few weeks later, I was ready to get back at it. I realized that if I had merely asked the right questions and gotten out of my own way, I could have received approval sooner. I have never been the best at taking criticism, yet I now understand that failure and subsequent growth is an integral component of the doctoral process. I write with greater purpose and clarity and think like a doctoral scholar. Since that failure, I have had 40% of my dissertation approved, and am extremely excited to work on the remaining three chapters.

New Professional Challenges
In May, I had the privilege of going through the 8th grade graduation process for the first time as an 8th grade teacher. It was difficult saying goodbye to that group, especially since we spent two years together, but I was very excited to see them conquer high school and the world at large. In August, I received the challenge of not only a new group but also a new schedule which required me to teach reading as well as writing to three groups, including an "Accelerated" group. Since I did not know I would be doing this until approximately 10 days before the school year began, I did not exactly have time to adequately prepare for the new challenge. It felt at points I was learning on the fly, and more often than not I felt like I was drowning. I was afraid of doing these students a disservice by not effectively preparing them for high school. A funny thing happened the week before break. We took the winter round of the MAP testing. 75 percent of my students met or exceeded (and some significantly exceeded) their growth targets for BOTH reading and language skills. For the first time since teaching English, I felt as though my methods and prioritization of the students as people above all else were validated. I am excited to guide this group of students through their last semester as middle school students.

Glimpses
This year was a weird year at times because it gave me fleeting glimpses as to what my life *could* and *might* be someday. It felt as though impossibility no longer existed. I conversed with my celebrity crush (Victoria Justice) on Twitter. A girl I had a crush on for years messaged me to talk about mutual feelings. I met my favorite male (Dolph Ziggler) and female (Sasha Banks) WWE superstars and felt at home in conversation with them. Myrna even reappeared from her metaphorical bunker to e-mail me twice! Though all of these moments (and others) were merely moments, they served as valuable reminders that nothing is impossible, that my current situation is not permanent, and if I continue to do the work, I will set myself up for everything I desire.

Joy in the Journey
I made a point to break up my days with enjoyable things. The constant monotony of work, grad school, and exercise can wear down on one's psyche. I knew the goals I laid for myself were cumbersome, so I did my best to break up those days. Whether it was the aforementioned meet and greets with WWE superstars, a trip to Cleveland to see the Seahawks, a GameFAQs message board meetup in Michigan, or any of the five concerts I attended this year with various friends (including a road trip with Jaclyn to Grand Rapids to meet State Champs), I allowed myself various "rest stops" along the way to celebrate my progress, enjoy life a little, and catch my breath before moving forward.

2019 was not a monumental year, but it was a solid one. It is my sincerest hope that my diligence in putting in the work will lead to a fruitful 2020. As always, thank you for coming along for the ride (or at least reading about the ride).

Monday, December 30, 2019

2019 in List Form

As has been the norm this decade, this is less thoughtful counterpart to my Year in Review post in which I list a bunch of things which were relevant to me in 2019. While, compared to previous years, there was not as much that stood out to me from the realm of music, I was fortunate enough to attend five different concerts and see some bands that have been a consistent part of my listening rotation for over a decade. Here is my 2010 in list form.

Songs
1. Have Mercy – Heartbeat
2. Sum 41 – Catching Fire
3. The Early November – The Lilac
4. The Dangerous Summer – Where Were You When the Sky Opened Up
5. Sleep On It – Racing Towards a Red Light
6. The Maine – I Feel It All Over
7. Blink-182 – Pin the Grenade
8. The Lumineers – Gloria
9. The Strumbellas – Salvation
10. John Floreani – Echoes

Albums

1. Have Mercy – The Love Life
2. The Maine – You Are OK
3. The Early November - Lilac
4. Sleep On It – Pride & Disaster
5. Strung Out – Songs of Armor and Devotion
6. Dave Hause – Kick
7. The Dangerous Summer – Mother Nature
8. Sum 41 – Order in Decline
9. Jimmy Eat World – Surviving
10. Blink-182 – Nine

TV Shows
1. Mr. Robot IRIP)
2. NCIS: Los Angeles
3. NCIS
4. Suits (RIP)
5. Impractical Jokers

Sports Moments
1. Seahawks beat 49ers in OT
2. Seahawks beat Browns to snap my 3 game in-person losing streak
3. Dolph Ziggler returns to take 3rd at Royal Rumble
4. Becky Lynch wins main event of WrestleMania 35
5. Dolph Ziggler nearly wins WWE Championship

Personal Moments (In no particular order)
• Detroit suburbs for PMS Board meetup
• Cleveland for Seahawks/Browns
• Traveling to San Diego to see family and a longtime friend
• Grand Rapids to meet State Champs and see We the Kings and Simple Plan
• The Early November, Have Mercy, and OWEL in Chicago on a nice October day
• Record shopping excursions to Schaumburg and Bloomingdale
• Three shows at the amphitheater in Tinley (Disrupt festival, AFI/Smashing Pumpkins, Hootie & the Blowfish)
• The longtime friends I finally got to meet in person this year
• Getting to see the class of 2019 graduate Kellar
• Connecting with the class of 2020
• Meeting Dolph Ziggler in Wisconsin
• Meeting Sasha Banks and Bayley in Rosemont
• Getting my concept paper and two chapters of my dissertation approved
• Branching out and doing things that seem fun, whether people are around or not

Sunday, December 29, 2019

My Top 10 Songs You Likely Missed Out on in the 2010s

Note from Jakob: Sorry, I did not link to Spotify. If any of these interest you, I'll create a playlist or something.

For one reason or another, the music that hits our ears at the mall, the gym, or the hair salon is not always the “best” music, or at least not the music that resonates most with us. The music that makes the most money is not always the most technically sound or the most emotionally relevant; instead, high ranking producers and executives sometimes strap a rocket to a particular sound or brand to penetrate our ears and general consciousness. My preferred genre (pop punk) has not been relevant on mainstream airwaves for the better part of a decade, yet even within genres, artists, albums, and songs can slip through the cracks. Each of these tracks has made its mark on me over the course of the decade, and I do not feel as though I should keep these songs to myself. I humbly present to you 10 of the greatest songs from the 2010s you probably never heard.

10. The Sun and the Sea – Drive Me Home (2014)

After The Graduate ran its course, the guys diverged in a number of different directions. One of those directions was in a new band named The Sun and the Sea. While I certainly do not know what a third Graduate album would have sounded like, the band was probably as close to a spiritual successor to the band as we’ll ever have. From their only full-length album, 2014’s American Empire, TS&TS provided the same immersive atmospheric experience as its predecessor. It’s a shame this band didn’t receive attention in line with the immense talent.

9. Amber Run – I Found (2015)
I don’t even remember how I found Amber Run (no pun intended). What I do know is, upon seeing the video for this song, I was blown away by the haunting melody and the emotion put out by the vocals as well as the instrumentation. This song should be all over movie trailers and awful television shows. Make it happen, 2020!

8. Hyland – The One That Got Away (2011)
Catchy hook? Check. Pop punk-styled song about love that doesn’t seem to want to work out? Check. An inspired guest appearance by Anberlin’s Stephen Christian? Check. This track has all the makings of a keeper, yet it went fairly unnoticed, as did Hyland themselves. I’m not sure if it was because the rest of their stuff hit more in the Contemporary Christian sweet spot than pop punk, but this track is solid and definitely deserves a spin.

7. Twenty Twenty – Get Down (2011)
Somewhere in that British powerpop sweet spot between pop punk and boy band was Twenty Twenty. Get Down was one of the catchiest tunes I heard all decade, and it amazes me it didn’t get more play. Who knows, with the year 2020 on the horizon, might these guys make a comeback?

6. Hit the Lights – Float Through Me (2012)
In 2012, Hit the Lights took a detour from their usual pop punk stuff with Invicta, an album which saw them expand their sound for a much bigger, more atmospheric turn. Float Through Me perfectly embodied this turn, and I was very surprised to see the band return to their roots for their next album rather than pursue this stylistic change.

5. Jimmy Eat World – Cut (2010)

It feels almost wrong putting Jimmy Eat World on this list, but as a band with such a strong back catalog who put out a rousing 4 more albums in the 2010s, it could be easy for some of their work to slip through the cracks. On 2010’s Invented, the band put a premium on songwriting perspective. Cut is a searing tale of a relationship that has reached its expiration date. Listen and hurt.

4. Kids in Glass Houses – Stormchasers (2013)
Kids in Glass Houses have been dormant for the better part of the decade, which makes it easy to forget that they put out 3 albums within the first four years of the 2010s. By 2013 hit, the momentum that once was there seemed to have dissipated, and their final effort to date, Peace, was unfortunately overlooked. By the time the final chorus soars, it rings as an anthem toward weathering life’s storms no matter how disoriented we may be by them.

3. Have Mercy – Ghost (2017)
Brian Swindle knows how to throw a gut punch, that’s for sure. While conveying joy through music seemed to be the way to make money this decade (look no further than Pharrell Williams’ Happy), it takes a true artist to channel pain and failures into something relatable. Ghost softly takes the pain of loss and bargains for the lost to remain as a ghost in order to still be able to feel that presence. I heard the song shortly after Myrna’s exit from my life, and it hit like a ton of bricks.

2. The Graduate – End of the World Delight (2010)
I have spent many words discussing this band over the past decade. They entered my life when I need them, and nearly as quickly, they were gone. In an equitable world, Only Every Time would have received the same acclaim as fun.’s Some Nights, and these guys would have been cleaning up at the Grammys in 2012 or so. That didn’t happen, and as a result, most of the world missed out on these guys. While virtually every song from OET was a masterpiece, End of the World Delight encapsulates millennial existentialism better than perhaps any other song.

1. Day at the Fair – Thankful (2017)
Very rarely does a band, let alone a band which has been largely dormant for 15 years, create songs which create profound impact during two different generations of your life, but Day at the Fair did that for me. If you know me well, you know that Everything I’ve Ever Wanted from The Rocking Chair Years is my favorite song in the entire world. Over a decade after that song released, the guys put out an EP entitled The Epilogue. The energy and maturity in this album was what you would expect from guys who left the scene entirely to start families and work “traditional” jobs. Thankful is a 7 minute emotional experience. Stylistically, in many ways it is the successor to Monday Morning and Homesick Angels. The message of gratitude through growth, failure, and change is a message which hits harder after each successive listen. I actually play this song at the end of each school year as I give students personal letters I have written to each of them. I have witnessed more emotion as a result of this song than any other!