In general, we as humans enjoy over-simplification and compartmentalization as if both were beloved pastimes. Your humble author is plenty guilty of this as well. One would need only a cursory glance at my blog to find numerous examples of this. I know that evaluating a year in a vacuum is perhaps a foolhardy exercise and that years were merely meant to serve as a measurement of our planet’s revolution around the sun. That said, reflecting on the past 365 days and the growth (and occasional stagnation) is a nice simple way to put a bow on my year as a 30 year old.
Before I delve deeply into the reflection, I feel that there is something to share with you, something that most of you do not know.
I was inches away from not making it to 30, let alone 31.
Exactly one year ago, I came closer to death than I ever had to that point. It was a perfect storm of events. I was off work for my birthday (a Tuesday) but had to work on Monday. I decided to take a personal day as a gift to myself. A girl who I had met on Tinder but never dated had posted something on Snapchat about needing a ride to whatever the White Sox call their field now because she was working Opening Day. Since I had nothing better to do, I offered to give her a ride.
Shortly after dropping her off, I was redirected from my path home due to construction. To this day, I do not know if the school bus blew the red light or if I did (based on the lack of traffic otherwise, I am assuming it was the school bus), but a school bus was heading towards my driver’s side at 50 mph. I remember it so distinctly because the instant before I noticed, my music suddenly stopped playing. I then noticed the bus flying at me and stepped on my gas pedal as hard as I could. Another millisecond or another inch and that probably would have been the end of me.
Starting my year as a 30 year old on the heels of that event affected my outlook on the year as a whole, even though at that moment in time I had no idea how things were going to all shake out. It became important to me to live purposefully and with clarity in my words and actions.
I am by nature a reflective person, but one of the most valuable lessons I learned this year was to stop repetitively and methodically beating up myself over the “What ifs”. What if I had done this differently with Myrna? Would she still be around? I spent a number of restless nights on those questions before I realized the utterly pointless nature of the exercise. The reality is that I can only focus on the here and now. I cannot affect the hypotheticals; instead, my job is to exude strength and meaning in my actions and my reactions. At the end of the day, those actions and reactions are the truest power we have.
Most years run into one another, but there are certain “landmark” years in which I was able to look back and note a marked change or redirection in my life. 13 year old Jakob set the stage for my adolescence. 21 year old Jakob put the wheels into motion for the evolution of myself into the person that I always wanted to be. 24 year old Jakob found motivation that ever iteration since has used to drive progress and achievement. 30 year old Jakob is the Jakob that finally found strength. I found my voice, and I realized it was okay to step up and stand out because I am strong enough to handle the consequences, both good and bad. I found that even though it is great to have the support and company of others, I can do it alone and can get rid of those who no longer fit my mission and vision. Do I wish that strength did not come as a result of someone I loved leaving me? Of course. But if I have learned anything in this year, it is to leave the “What ifs” alone and replace them with “What is”.
This year was filled with both accomplishments and setbacks professionally, physically, and personally, but I like the direction things are going. There is much work to be done, and I am excited to make things happen. I always did like the number 31…
