2014 in Review

In life, there are a few constants: death, taxes, disappointment, and my “Year in Review” post. This is the 11th (!) edition of this post, and it remains one of my favorite posts that I do all year. It’s important to reflect on the year that was, to determine what went right and identify areas for growth and improvement. Put simply, 2014 was not what I hoped it would be. As usual, there will be a month-by-month rundown as well as some closing thoughts.

January: I could tell the year was going to be frustrating because it got off to an extremely frustrating start. I was supposed to meet three of my closest friends for dinner that night. These days, we don’t get the opportunity to see one another very much, as geography and careers have created some separation. I finally got three of the four guys on board for dinner, but those plans were derailed by a blizzard. The winter was probably the most depressing one that I can remember, and it took a toll. Fortunately, the Seahawks progressed through the playoffs, which served as a necessary distraction.

February: I’ve stated in many of these that February has been a comparatively uneventful month for me. February 2014 broke from the status quo in that regard. The month began with my Seahawks winning their first ever Super Bowl championship, a moment that I will never forget. The realization of something that I had awaited for a long time was a very special moment and had me convinced that 2014 would be the year that I finally got all the things for which I had been waiting. (SPOILERS: That didn’t happen.) I also had a pleasant Valentine’s Day and brought the object of my affection to tears by a sweet video that I made for her. The month also included a brief trip to Grand Rapids and a pilgrimage to Qdoba.

March: I started off the month by learning a very valuable lesson: Do not post anything to social media until you are fully awake. I went on an ill-conceived Facebook rant and hurt the feelings of someone who mattered (and still matters) a lot to me. I learned from that. March was a decent month, full of Shamrock Shakes, Disney Channel’s “The Luck of the Irish”, and the first time I was ever someone’s “Man Crush Monday” on Instagram.

April: This is usually a decent- to good- month for me, as my birthday falls during April. I had a good birthday. It’s always nice to hear from friends and others that you lose track of during the year. It was during April that I conceived the idea for the “You are the Story I Tell” series. I knew that it was time to let the people I care about know that they are, indeed, cared about.

May: The school year began to wrap up, and I had reinforcements in the form of Mrs. Balfour. I finally took the idea for the open letter blog series and made it happen. The correspondences I had that month as a result of that series will always be special to me. In some cases, whole friendships were resurrected. During this month, I finally felt like grad school was something I could conquer, and at long last I gained the confidence I needed to see it through.

June: The year had been progressing decently at this point, but it still felt like things were either going to fall into place or fall apart. June was a month spent teetering on that edge. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that my sister was soon moving and that she wouldn’t be around anymore. I couldn’t put those thoughts away. It was about to be time to deal.

July: As I said in June, I knew that things were either going to fall into place or fall apart. Unfortunately for me, they fell apart. I began the month by helping my sister and brother in law move into their new place in North Carolina. That trip was a comedy of errors, as the furniture as well as their personal belongings did not arrive when they were supposed to arrive. I also was planning on stopping in Pittsburgh on the way home to Chicago. Because of poor timing, poor communication, or just me being me, that didn’t work out (and to be fair to her, it shouldn’t have happened then). To say I was crushed would be an understatement. Fortunately I did have a good day with friends in South Carolina, but that was like trying to put a band-aid on a bullet wound. Later in the month, I went to Warped Tour for the first time. I enjoyed seeing my favorite bands, but I also contracted a sickness that would leave me in bed for two weeks and recovering for much longer than that. I had pinkeye, strep, and pneumonia simultaneously. My spirit was broken, and it felt as though my body was following suit.

August: The school year started. I failed to accomplish one of my primary goals of the year by not obtaining a teaching position in a non-alternative school setting. I came very close with one interview, but ultimately it was not meant to be (a long story that does not bear mentioning in this blog). While things began to turn around a bit in one area of my life, the others were not going well. I also hit some sort of pothole that caused a ridiculous amount of damage to my car. Thanks a lot, Western Avenue.

September: I spent the month of September wishing and hoping that things would get better, but the things I wanted continued to slip through my grasp. Work felt more like a nightmare than even a job, and I couldn’t figure out a way to make it better. I can’t recall a single exciting thing that I did this month. The NFL returned, which was probably the lone bright spot.

October: The losses that continued to pile upon themselves created a rut of which it became increasingly difficult to pull myself from. I spent the month perpetually on the verge of a meltdown. Work, grad school anxiety (stemming from a large final project), and my continued mistakes with the young lady I was pursuing all contributed to my perpetually sad countenance. There are times I was fortunate that I did not do any harm to myself, because I was at a point that I really did not care anymore. Work compounded these feelings through a traumatic experience that does not need to be detailed. Even going to the Seahawks/Rams game in St. Louis was far from enjoyable as a result of all the mishaps and missteps that happened along the way.

November: They say that things get worse before they get better. If October was the bad, then November was the worse. For the first time that I could remember, I began to lose hope. If you know anything about me, you know that I thrive on hope even in situations where hope does not exist. I was hurting, and I was finally starting to be able to admit to myself that I was hurting. Thanksgiving with my cousin was a plus, but the month ended with some crushing defeat and, once again, my inability to keep my mouth shut got me into trouble.

December: If the rest of the year went as well as the last two weeks of the month did, this year would not have been so bad. We wrapped up the first semester at work, and by the time we left for break, I could tell that things were getting better. They were not necessarily “good”, but they were better. My sister, brother-in-law, and the bun in my sister’s oven (my soon to be born niece, Hadley) came for Christmas, and though the holidays were a bit different than usual, they were not as stressful as they had been in years past. I was able to see two of my closest friends for breakfast, and was as if we had only gone days without seeing one another, not years. An unexpected phone call in the middle of the month particularly lifted my spirit, and although I continue to struggle with staying out of my own way, I am hopeful that In 2015 I can return to how I was in 2013.

2014…for lack of a better term, it sucked. I could see the things I wanted right in front of me – the times with friends (New Year’s 2014), the job of my dreams, and the woman of my dreams – but I didn’t have the ability to put all the pieces together. Like my dad is fond of saying, it’s like I choose to play with puzzles in the dark.

The man I was in 2014 was a lot different from the one I was in 2013. I’m a lot more serious than I used to be. Crushing defeats and insurmountable stress will do that to you. Even so, that seriousness has helped me grow as an educator. I became more thoughtful and better at expressing appreciation. That’s a part of me I can be proud of.

And yet, I can’t help but exit 2014 feeling disappointed in myself. Last year, despite all the difficulties, I was proud to say that I did not regress as a person. I can’t say that this year. The mistakes I’ve made are ones I would’ve made 10-15 years ago. I shouldn’t be making them anymore, especially not when it matters as much as it does to me. I have to dig deep and remind myself that I left this Jakob behind long ago. If I am ever going to get to where I want to be, it can’t be with this Jakob.

Despite all the frustration and disappointment that 2014 brought me, I can’t help but feel like I am right on the precipice of where I want to be. I have the pieces. I am ready to put them together. I have a lot of big plans and big ideas for 2015, and I’m excited to share them with you. Let’s get this year out of here, and let’s make 2015 epic!

2014 Report Card

At the beginning of each year, I usually lay down a number of goals for myself. It is important to look back on these goals so that I can figure out where I succeeded during the year and where I need to improve in the year or years to come. That said, here were my original 2014 goals, and here is how well I did in accomplishing them.

Finish grad school with a grade point average of at least 3.8
Barring anything unforeseen, I will be completing grad school on January 11, 2015, with a perfect 4.0 grade point average. I really buckled down from May on, and the quality of work was higher than any work I have ever done in my life. GOAL ACCOMPLISHED

Obtain employment in a public non-alternative school district
I came painfully close to achieving this goal. I had more interviews than I had ever had, and one of those interviews went exceedingly well, but due to circumstances beyond my control, things did not work out. I will accomplish this goal, and I will do so in 2015. GOAL IN PROGRESS

Take a trip to Pittsburgh
I have not made it a secret that I met a Yinzer that I have been crazy about (emphasis on the crazy). However, for one reason or another (mostly my own fault), this has yet to work out. I failed at this in 2014, but in 2015 I WILL make it happen. GOAL FAILED

Show more appreciation to those who have positively impacted my life
I wrote a blog series full of open letters to virtually everyone who has ever done good for me. I am a significantly more thoughtful person than I was a year ago at this time. I accomplished this goal, but I must remember that being thoughtful and appreciative is not a one-time action. GOAL ACCOMPLISHED

Write with more frequency
After today, I will have written 100 blog posts in 2014 as well as countless written assignments for grad school. This year, I never really stopped writing. GOAL ACCOMPLISHED

Make a list of fun things I want to do this year, and then do them
For the most part, I did this. I wrote the 27 Things I Want to Accomplish as a 27 Year Old, and I have gone out and done most of these things. For the most part, GOAL ACCOMPLISHED

Take the time to remember at least one good thing that has happened in my life on each day of the year
This has proven to be more of an arduous undertaking than I thought, but it will get done. GOAL IN PROGRESS

Ride it out
This was easier to accomplish at times than others. When you want something so badly that every fiber in your being, every neuron and synapse works toward the realization of this dream. And when it doesn’t happen in the manner or timing that you would like, it is extremely difficult to ride the tide. I stressed myself out more than I needed to in 2014 because I couldn’t always grasp the concept of riding it out. GOAL IN PROGRESS

I did a lot of what I set out to do, but I failed in a number of areas that were extremely important to me. There is no more room for failure. 2015, I make things happen.

A Letter to My 26 Year Old Self

A while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is another bonus installment of the series.

Letter to Jakob Duehr: To be received December 27, 2013

Dear Jakob,

Hey there. I hope that little greeting made you smirk reading it in our voice, because it just made me smirk. I sent you a letter about a year ago warning you about 2013. I’m sad to say that I’m here to do the same for 2014. 2013, put bluntly, was tough. You felt beaten down at nearly every step of the way. Every time things seemed to improve, another new twist was thrown into the game. But you survived, and you headed into 2014 feeling battle tested and ready to succeed.

2014, unfortunately, will be more of the same. In many ways, it was worse than 2013. 2013 was challenging, but 2014 will be frustrating. You’re going to have a hard time understanding why you are not getting out what you are putting in. For the first time in your life, you are going to find it truly challenging to be happy. I’m going to break this up into sections again because that’s always been an easier way for us to look at things.

Professionally
Professionally, things remain challenging. With each passing school year, you feel a greater disconnect to your students. The things they are exposed to are so different than your background and experiences, and you begin to doubt yourself and your abilities to get through to them.

You’re going to want to move on from where you are, but for one reason or another, that doesn’t work out. That frustrates you, and you begin to once again question your abilities. Confidence is going to be tough to maintain this year. Work often seems like a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. By the end of 2014 it improves some, though. Just keep trucking.

If there’s a reason for you to be proud, it’s because of the work you have done in grad school. Even though you start each class by wondering whether or not you can succeed, you actually do succeed. Somewhere around June or so, you really flip the switch, and the quality of your work is better than you have ever done at any level. You’re going to finish 2014 merely days away from graduation. You’re going to get that 4.0 GPA, too!

The Struggles Within
This year is going to challenge you in ways you never thought were possible. You are going to experience both love and pain more strongly and more deeply than you could ever imagine. The pain, if you’re not careful, will cripple you.

There is no limit to what your body can do if your mind is in the right place. At times, your physical condition will reach a level far above anything you previously attained. You are stronger. You are faster. You fly higher. You are able to channel your intensity into something positive.

However, that doesn’t last. Your spirit will get to the point that it feels so crushed that your body eventually follows suit. In July, you will get sicker than you have been since you were a kid. You’ll get strep, pinkeye, and pneumonia all at the same time and won’t get out of bed for two weeks. During that time, the pain you feel externally does not compare at all to the pain you feel inside.

Eventually, you will heal, but your body never quite gets to the point that it was before you got sick. You’re working at it though. I wouldn’t be surprised if you get there in 2015.

The depression is going to come, and it’s going to be scary. There will come a point in time where nothing in your life is going the way that you would like (even grad school at that point will anxiety-laden, as you try to figure out your final project). Work will be rough. Things with your “permacrush” will break your heart. Most of the people closest to you will not be around. For the first time in your life, you will lose hope. You are going to want to give up, and your countenance will appear chronically troubled. People are going to be worried about you. Don’t try to do it on your own. Let them in. They may not say the things you want to hear, but they are there because they care.

It will take a while, but you will break out of all of that. I can’t say it will be easy, but things do begin to turn around ever so slightly. Though they may not be exactly as you would like for them to be, you once again have the hope that they will eventually get there.

Relationships (Platonic and Romantic)
You’re going to make a concerted effort to be a more thoughtful person in 2014. You actually do an amazing job to reach this end. You take your blog and use it to do probably the coolest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Through a series of open letters, you let everyone who has ever been close to you know that who they are and what they have done for you mattered. That series will open doors and rekindle friendships that had been dormant for a number of years. It will be a great way to acknowledge a long time friend before his passing. You will miss him, but you find a certain solace in knowing that he died knowing how much he mattered to you.
While your thoughtfulness took a major step forward, your ability to function in romantic situations took a major step back. If you noticed, I wrote this letter so that it would be opened on December 27, 2013. There’s a method to my madness, but you know that already.

In my letter to you last year, I wrote about a woman who would come after Jannelle who would change the game in ways you never imagined. She continues to do that. Here’s the problem. You change, too. I’ll be honest. I couldn’t be more disappointed in the way you regress in that area.

The reason the two of you clicked so well at the beginning was because you connected naturally and didn’t have to force anything. The problems come when you realize how much you want things to work instead of letting them come together in their own way. At the first sign of trouble (this date in 2013), you begin to panic. We both know that a panicked Jakob is pretty much the worst Jakob. You are going to say stupid things. You are going to do stupid things. You are going to do this all in the spirit of trying to make things work, but you are going to spend more time in 2014 attempting to regain the ground you lost than actually moving forward. You are lucky she puts up with you. If you ever want anything to go anywhere, you’re going to need to take a step back and stop trying to do so much.

The year starts out on an extremely disappointing note. You’ve got it set up to see three of your closest friends on New Year’s Day. Of course, the weather decides not to cooperate and your friends have to cancel. You get frustrated with everyone because you would’ve moved heaven and earth to see them that night. You are going to need to realize that just because things don’t always work out, just because people aren’t always around, and just because people don’t say or do things the way you want them to doesn’t mean that they stopped caring about you. You still desperately try to control life, but you can’t.

Your sister moves away this year for good. I know you’re doing everything you can to not think about that right now (and you’ll be able to successfully put that out of your mind until the middle of June or so), but when she goes for good, it’s going to hurt. You’ll feel alone. She is, however, going to be having a baby. You’re going to be an uncle for the first time, so you better get your head on straight so you can be a good role model for your niece.

The Lessons Learned
It might be another tough year, but you’re going to learn a lot. Take these lessons. They will help you.

• Do not post anything to social media within 30 minutes of waking up.
• Get the opinion of someone you trust before you do something stupid.
• Take responsibility for the things that are your fault, but don’t beat yourself up so hard over them.
• Believe in yourself.
• You’re not going to convince her that you guys are meant to be together through your words. Be the man you are. That’s all she’ll need to see. Don’t try to be what you think she needs. Just be you.
• It’s okay to admit you’re hurting. Let others help you.
• Treat people well.
• Do your best to stress less.
• Ride things out. You’ll use this as your theme for 2014, but you’ll have a hard time taking it to heart. Tough times will come. Don’t crumble. Ride it out.

I don’t know where 2015 is going to take us, but the pieces are in place to finally get all the things you’ve been waiting for. Be patient, be hardworking, and be hopeful. I can’t promise that things will be perfect, but we have to push forward until we get to where we want to be.

All the best,
Jakob Duehr, 2014 Version

2014 in List Form

2014 was a challenge, but it wasn’t that bad of a year as far as my likes and hobbies go. It was a banner year for my Seahawks, that’s for sure. While I do not have nearly as much music from 2014 on my hard drive as 2013, the albums I did like this year were extremely good. There are some albums that I really liked that didn’t even come close to cracking the top ten. While the year was personally challenging, there were some moments that stood out above the rest. Per my usual, here is 2014 in list form.

As I post every year, everything is ranked by my arbitrary personal preference. I don’t consider myself to be an expert (or even semi-expert… yay 14 year old inside jokes) for any of these things, but I do like what I like. This just gives you a better glimpse into the things that I do like.

Songs
1. Day at the Fair – The Brightening
2. Bayside – Transitive Property
3. Damien Rice – Colour Me In
4. Manchester Orchestra – Trees (Cope Version)
5. Rise Against – Tragedy + Time
6. Fireworks – Bed Sores
7. Bleachers - Wild Heart
8. Forever Came Calling – Angels in Your Closet
9. Emarosa – I’ll Just Wait
10. O.A.R. – Peace
11. Yellowcard – Lift a Sail
12. Amber Pacific - Young Love
13. New Found Glory – Ready and Willing
14. Quietdrive – Every Day
15. Say Anything – John McClane
16. Angels & Airwaves – Tunnels
17. Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness – Black and White Movies
18. Transit – The Only One
19. The Used – Make Believe
20. The Sun and the Sea – Drive Me Home

Albums
1. Fireworks – Oh, Common Life
2. Forever Came Calling – What Matters Most
3. Emarosa – Versus
4. Bleachers - Strange Desire
5. Damien Rice – My Favourite Faded Fantasy
6. Yellowcard – Lift a Sail
7. Bayside – Cult
8. Rise Against – The Black Market
9. Angels & Airwaves – The Dream Walker
10. Manchester Orchestra – Cope

TV Shows
1. NCIS: Los Angeles
2. NCIS
3. White Collar (R.I.P.)
4. Girl Meets World
5. Psych (R.I.P.)

Sports Moments
1. Seahawks win the Super Bowl
2. Seahawks defeat 49ers to win NFC Championship
3. WWE Survivor Series 2014 (Team Cena vs. Team Authority)
4. Seahawks dismantle Cardinals on Sunday Night Football to reclaim control of NFC West
5. Attending WWE Payback

Places to Eat
1. Granite City
2. Pepe’s
3. Fuddrucker’s
4. Eagle Buffet
5. Noodles & Company

Personal Moments
1. Seahawks win Super Bowl XLVIII 43-8, February 2
2. Breakfast with Merrill and Rex, December 23
3. Meeting E~! and Matt, July 5
4. Attending Warped Tour, July 19
5. Being the permacrush’s #MCM, March 17
6. Finding out I was going to be an uncle (before anyone gets bothered by this placement, when Hadley is actually born, it will be much higher on the 2015 list than #6), July 20
7. A surprisingly relaxing Christmas, December 25
8. 27th Birthday Festivities, April 4
9. Trip to Grand Rapids with the family, February 15
10. Getting my blog posts promoted by two of my favorite bands, March 31 and April 2

Jakob Duehr: An Apologia, Pt. 2: How I Got from There to Here

Nearly three and a half years ago I wrote a rather lengthy apologia, or explanation for why I am the person that I am. It is more or less my “Idiot’s Guide to Jakob Duehr”. When people want to know more of me, I link them to that post (which you can find right here), and they come away with a greater understanding of who I am. Sure, sometimes they may run away screaming, but that’s alright. However, after sending that post to a new friend recently, I realized there is a lot missing from that story, namely everything that happened after I wrote that post. I do not believe I am exaggerating when I say that as much (if not more) has happened in the past 3+ years to shape the man I am today as the first 24+ years of my life. With that in mind, here is the second installment of my apologia, a detailed account of the people and events that have shaped me into the Jakob you know and tolerate. Again, it is a rather lengthy read, so I have broken it into sections in case it is too much for one sitting.

Facing Failure
I wrote at great length in the first apologia about the effects that losing weight had on my life. For the first time, I had confidence. I was free to be the person I always wanted to be because I finally looked like he person I always wanted to be. However, as time wore on, I faced many failures in my life. I was unable to procure a full time teaching position. A couple summers went by without me even receiving a single interview for a job. Friends were no longer around. Things with the one I cared about most had cooled significantly. Failure in those areas led me to lose motivation in all other areas of my life. I stayed up until 3 AM on a nightly basis. If I didn’t have to work the next morning, I would sleep until 11:30. If I did have to work, I would generally operate on less than four hours of sleep. I stopped going to the gym. I think I went three months between workouts in the summer of 2011. At that point in time, I didn’t hate my life, but I saw no chance that things would get any better.

Something changed my life. Rather, someone changed my life. In August 2011, I met one of my Stickam friends for lunch. To say that our relationship was acrimonious before that point would have been an understatement. We were both very much set in our ways to the point that we would grate on one another. At the time, I don’t think she thought very much of me, and to be fair, I never gave her a reason to think much of me. She changed that summer. She got her life together. When we met for lunch, I saw an entirely different person. Even though a lot of unexpected curves had just been thrown her way, I saw strength and determination to make it through to the other side. Seeing her made me realize that I could do the same in my life. We were able build a strong friendship after that day, and I can never thank her enough for the impact she made on my life. Once again, thank you Staci.

Even though I realized I could change, it took over a month for me to start the changing process. I gradually noticed that all of my skinny clothes no longer fit as well. I could see the muffin top that was forming, and I didn’t like it. For a few weeks, I was afraid to face the scale because of what I knew I would see. Finally, I came to the point where I understood that I needed to take ownership of where I was at that point if I was ever going to get back to where I wanted to be. I stepped on the scale and discovered that I had gained over half the weight back. I was mad at myself, but it didn’t get me discouraged. Having lost weight before, I knew what I had to do in order to succeed.

I got back to the gym. My gym moved locations around the same time as I started this second weight loss process. It was symbolic for me, because much like the gym, I was leaving my old self behind. I hit the gym with fervor that I did not even have the first time I lost weight. I was at the gym seven days a week and was burning 6000 calories per week on the elliptical.

My goal was to lose 22 pounds and get back to the weight on my driver’s license. I started on the last weekend of September and gave myself until the end of the year to lose that weight. That weight was gone by the middle of November. It meant everything to me to see that I still could succeed despite the many failures that had dotted the previous two years of my life.

Success Changes a Man
I will be the first to admit that I was not the hardest worker from 2009 until mid-2011. As I said earlier, I stayed up late and slept in, and even when I worked, I was not well-rested. In the summer of 2011, I added a job at a learning center to supplement my work as a substitute teacher. Losing the weight changed things in my life. I realized that I could apply that same dedication and effort to other areas of my life. It is why I became so driven (one of my coworkers refers to me as “relentless”).

I came to an interesting realization that fall. I realized that the harder I worked, the more I enjoyed the things I was doing because I felt a greater connection and ownership to them. During my last year as a substitute teacher, I really felt myself come into my own, and even though I did not have nearly the same responsibilities as a regular classroom teacher, I was able to find meaning in what I did. The same could be said for the learning center. I loved that job (at least at the start) because I really felt like I served a purpose and was putting young people in a position to succeed.

In the previous two years, it was not uncommon for me to go multiple days without working. From late 2011 to early 2012, it became commonplace for me to work both jobs on the same day. During the late winter and early spring (when students were preparing in earnest for the ACT), I would often work 12 hours between the two jobs and would head straight to the gym before finally crashing at home for the night.

During that stretch, I changed a bit as a person. Sure, I replaced a lot of bad habits with a lot of good ones, but I started having a bit less fun as well. It was as if I felt I needed to atone for the years that I spent as an unproductive manchild. I communicated with friends less. I even dropped the type of music that I listened to in favor of a more “mature” sound. Fortunately, I was gradually able to reintroduce the aspects of myself that I did like and find a healthy balance between “Productive Jakob” and “Jakob Who Enjoys Life”.

“When you do something worth cheering for, I’ll cheer for you too.”
My lack of professional success coming out of college, quite honestly, made me feel inadequate. I was embarrassed to tell people that I was *just* a substitute teacher. I felt that all sorts of people had all sorts of expectations for me based on my success in high school and college, and I felt that I was letting them down. As my friends and other peers began to settle down in their careers, I was not there. I will never forget what a friend said to me in September 2011 at the homecoming celebration for our friend returning from Afghanistan. When I poked fun at him for cheering loudly, he replied with the sentence that serves as the header of this section.

I know he did not mean for it to be nearly as biting as it came out, but it changed my life. I knew I HAD to do something to make people proud of me. I didn’t feel like what I was doing at that point was making anyone proud, so I had to do something. I knew it couldn’t be small, either. I had no clue what I would do until December 2011.

My dad has been a runner since he actually lost weight in 1998. After I lost all the weight that I did, he could see that I had gotten myself into pretty good shape. He had run a marathon earlier that year and was planning on running another, so he challenged me to do it with him. I never like to back down from a challenge, and I finally had something big to chase after. I accepted the challenge.

I was certainly fueled by the swagger and bravado that came from losing weight in the manner that I did, because I never really took notice of two very important details. First, the marathon was only four months away. Second, I had never run more than two miles consecutively in my life (and I had last done that a decade prior), and a marathon is 26.2 miles. Those things never fazed me. I needed to do this for my own sense of self. I blazed through marathon training to the point that I even had a goal time for finishing the marathon.

When the marathon came, I was well ahead of my goal time through the first 20 miles. Unfortunately, weather and fatigue pushed me to the other side of the goal time, but by that point I was content by having finished a marathon. It made me feel like I was special (or at the least, that I had done something special).

Unfortunately, that feeling did not last very long. I am not the type of person who is able to celebrate success for long. I wish I was, but I am not. Almost immediately after the marathon, I already started to try to figure out how I could top that. I needed to feel like who I was and what I did mattered. I needed another challenge. I certainly did not know what would come next.

“Now I’m given the chance that I want…”
By August 2012 I had give up on my chances of procuring a full time teaching position for that school year. After talking to my parents, we decided that were I not to get a job, my best course of action would probably involve leaving the field of education because the market had collapsed as much as it did. I was very afraid of what was to come because I never really planned on what I would do after teaching. I had no clue what to do. Maybe it was time to finally pursue my dream of becoming a WWE Superstar?

Fortunately, the world was spared from seeing my pale self in spandex, as I received a call from an alternative school about 15 minutes from home. I was very confused when I received the call to come in for an interview. I had absolutely no recollection of ever applying for a job at this school until I visited the school’s website. At that point, I realized that I had actually applied for a job two years before and was surprised that they kept my resume on file for that long. I interviewed with the principal, and we seemed to hit it off quite nicely. She informed me of some of the issues I would deal with at the school (prior to that interview, I was completely unaware of what an alternative school was) as well as the lack of resources the school had. She told me that if I was not scared away that I should call or e-mail her so that she could advance me in the interview process. During the second interview, I met with the directors of the school who informed me that the job was mine. I would be starting out as an assistant but as enrollment increased, I would have the opportunity to have a classroom of my own. I went from being days to giving up on education entirely to having my first full time teaching job!

I was under the impression that I would receive some sort of orientation or training on my first day. That did not occur. Instead, I met with the teacher with whom I would be working in tandem and she notified me of the subjects I would be teaching. For some reason, I was also unaware that the classrooms were self-contained and that I would be responsible for teaching subjects that are not listed on my teaching certificate.

My first day was an absolute nightmare. Students were trying to figure me out, and I was trying to figure the school out. I had not seen a school so deficient in technology since my days as a student at Stone in the 1990s. Gone were the SMARTBoards and projectors that I was used to working with at both Richards and in Orland. Our “technology” consists of whiteboards that actually erase! One student completely shut down and fell asleep and would not stay awake regardless of what I did. I was ready to give up, and to make matters worse I had to work a five hour shift that night at the learning center (I kept that job through November 2012)! As I talked to my dad as I commuted between jobs, I wanted to quit. He told me to give it some time and then see how it was going. I took that advice.

Things got better quickly. The kids took a liking to me and I to them. By the beginning of October, student enrollment had increased to the point that I had the opportunity to be the lead teacher of my own classroom. I learned so much from Mrs. Umgelder in the previous month (and for that I will be eternally indebted), but I was ready to branch off and do what I had been waiting to do for so long. It was my time!

I started out with a small class of students. One of the benefits of an alternative school is the low classroom size. Though it may handicap certain lessons and activities, it really allows teachers to get to know their students. I was able to develop relationships with each of those students and really got a sense of who they were and where they wanted to be.

My first year was not without its bumps along the way, however (though I guess some of that is to be expected with a rookie teacher). In January 2013, I lost both my classroom assistants as casualties to the economy. It was a bit of a miracle that I did not join them as well. In March, I made what could generously be referred to a dumb mistake. Two of my boys had been arguing with one another for months about anything and everything and it was grating both on me and the other students. I remembered what one of my elementary school teachers did and tried to emulate it. I put the boys’ desks together. I knew neither of them was happy with me about the move, and I thought that I could unite the boys against a common enemy (me) so that they could get their feud and work together to accomplish a goal. Instead, they got into a rather nasty fight within fifteen minutes of the move, and although I deescalated the situation rather quickly, I had to do a lot of explaining of my actions. Though I felt quite bad about the situation at the time, I can honestly say I tried to do the right thing.

As the classroom grew in number, my patience diminished. The new students created a somewhat combustible mix with the old students, and though none of the kids were particularly “bad” kids, it was draining (for multiple reasons, some of which will be detailed later in the piece). I knew that if I wanted to make it through the school year in one piece, I needed reinforcements. Fortunately, reinforcements were on the way.

The school placed Mrs. Balfour in my classroom as my co-teacher. Mrs. Balfour is a retired Chicago Public School principal and teacher, so she not only knows how to effectively run a classroom but knows how to run an entire school building as well. She’s been around long enough to see what does and does not work. In that first year, she helped to take some of the burden off of me. We had some growing pains at first, but I can honestly say that having her around for the stretch run of that school year is what provided me with what I needed to make it through.

I ended that first school year feeling on top of the world. I knew I had done a good job, and I knew I had helped guide my students to where they wanted to be. Nearly ninety percent (!) of my students were going to get to return to their public schools and would no longer have to go to alternative school. They did such a great job, and I was proud of them.

Having conquered the challenge that was my rookie year of teaching, I embarked on two more challenges to entertain myself (remember what I wrote earlier about my fear of complacency). Since I did not like how my first marathon ended, I accepted my dad’s challenge to run another marathon in June 2013 in Dubuque, Iowa. Though that marathon was a total nightmare as a result of a torrential downpour immediately before the race, a gravel trail that was not conducive for walking, let alone running, and 90 degree temperatures, I took pride in the fact that I finished. It did not matter to me that I was literally limping to the end as a result of twisting my ankle at Mile 16. It did not matter to me that I finished the marathon at a much slower mark than my previous marathon. I set a goal and completed it.

It was always in my plans to go back to school and get a Masters degree. It was always a matter of when. When I worked as a substitute teacher, I always said that I wanted to wait until I had a full time job before I went to graduate school so that I would be able to afford to pay for it. Once I completed my first school year as a full time teacher, it felt like the perfect opportunity. I transitioned from one challenge (the marathon) to another challenge a month later. Though I had always had my fair share of success as a student, I will admit that I was extremely apprehensive. I thought I would have a long period of adjustment after being away from the classroom for over three years. Fortunately, I had success early on, and that success spurred me to pursue even greater success.

Walking Alone
I talked at great detail in the first apologia about the impact that my friends had on my life to that point. They, along with my family, played the greatest role in getting me to that point. However, I had to spend the greater part of the past three years on my path alone.

Though Merrill was officially the first to move away when he joined the Marines in January 2007, it never felt like he was truly gone because he would always be home a few times a year on leave. When Rex left for Seattle to work for Microsoft in 2010, I began to sense the winds of change. I definitely felt it in 2011 when Rob moved to Iowa, where he would settle for a season before joining Rex out in Seattle. Dan, the old reliable, became less present in my life as work and a relationship monopolized the little free time he had. When we were young, only days would go by before we would see one another. As we got to college, it would be weeks. Once we first graduated college, it would be months. As we enter our late 20s, years elapse between visits. I saw two of my friends on the day of this writing (December 2014), one of which I had not seen since June 2012. It has been nearly three years since I have seen the other two guys as well. I’ll be completely honest and admit that I miss them a whole heaping lot. I never looked to get a new core group of friends to replace them because I knew no one else could compare.

People grow up and move on. I understand that as a necessary evil of life, but it’s never fun when it happens to you. And I get that friends come and go and that I’m blessed to have had the ones I did so close for me as long as I did. I know that they still care about me, but I miss them. What has made it worse is that family has moved on as well. I come from a small, tightly knit family. My family is so small that I only have two cousins (who I jokingly refer to as “The One I Talk To” and “The One I Don’t Talk To”). My cousin that I do, indeed, converse with is the closest thing Heidi and I have had to another sibling. Now that he has a job and moved to the city, I hardly see him. It also does not help matters that his job requires him to travel a lot. I can count on one hand the amount of times that I saw him in 2014. Considering that when we were younger we would eclipse that number in one week, it is a bit disheartening, but such is growing up.

In 2014 I also had to say goodbye to my sister as she moved with her husband to North Carolina. Out of all the people who left, that one probably hit me the hardest, as she’s always been there and possesses a certain sensitivity and understanding of me that few have. It’s tough not having that around on a daily basis. But I am so happy for her that she has a marriage that I hope to emulate one day, and I am extremely excited that she has given me the opportunity to become an uncle. I am so excited to spoil my niece.

Since my face-to-face friends are no longer within seeing distance, I have strengthened my friendships with a number of people all around the country. I consider the people I love to be my family, even if there is no blood between us. Today, I consider myself to have family in Washington, Oregon, California, Arizona, Minnesota, Texas, Alaska, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina, New Jersey, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. I can’t thank many people enough for what they’ve done for me. Zach, for example, has been my right hand man for a long time now. Seeing him in Seattle in 2012 was the best part of a challenging trip. E~! and Matt welcomed me into their home in July 2014 on what was easily one of the toughest days of my life. Ken and Shannon (SJT) are still among my closest confidantes and are probably frustrated beyond belief that I still make some of the same mistakes I did when they met me many years ago. Yet, they still listen to me and somehow our friendships are closer than they’ve ever been. People like them and many others are hard to come by, and I am blessed to have them in my life.

The fall of 2014 was one of the most difficult seasons in my life because for the first time I experienced real, genuine depression. I had a clear picture of where I wanted my life to go, yet I could not make those things happen. As each loss and disappointment piled on one another, I felt myself slowly sinking into a hole. No matter how hard I tried to shake it, I couldn't. I thought that being a good man would help me through it, but I just felt like my hard work was going unrewarded. I was ready to give up. I wanted to give up, but the people in my life would not allow me to give up. I have made it through to the other side, and though I am not certain that my life will go the way I want it to go, I have hope that I will get to where I need to be.

If I’ve learned anything through my interpersonal relationships since I wrote my first apologia, it is that no matter how far away I am from people, I am not alone. Through my deepest valleys, people have been there for me to lend an ear or a voice. I do not make friends based on how close they are to me, but I do make friends based on how much we love one another. People don’t have to be near you to love you. Do not lament the fact that your love comes from a distance; take solace in the knowledge that you are loved.

Reacting to the Unexpected
I am a planner by nature. I like to plot out even the tiniest minutiae of my life as meticulously as possible. I’ve practiced responses to others. I’ve even come up with a number of ideas for marriage proposals. That nature can be a blessing, but it can also serve as a detriment because life is full of things that you cannot plan for. They happen, and you must adapt or perish. My life has been full of the unexpected. I wish I could say that I adapted appropriately in each situation, but in truth all I can say is that I survived.

I mentioned earlier that almost all of my students were able to return to their home school districts following my first year. My success at my job actually put me out of a job for a time in August 2013. Enrollment numbers were unexpectedly low, and the school had no classroom for me. It was a hard lesson to learn that doing things at the utmost best of your ability still did not mean that things would go your way. I was unprepared for such a thing to happen and was not applying for any other teaching jobs since I fully expected to be working in that school for that school year. I scrambled and applied for any and every remaining available job. I was amazed at how I had become a significantly more attractive candidate since I had a year of experience under my belt. I had three interviews. One school immediately decided to move in a different direction. One school named me one of two finalists, but the superintendent decided to pick the other candidate. The third school, an alternative high school, was impressed with me and offered me a job.

I was excited for the opportunity thanks to my previous success with working at an alternative school. I believed I could have the same impact on these students. However, in the case of alternative high schools, little work is done in terms of trying to mold students whether academically or socially/emotionally. There wasn’t the same support system that I enjoyed at my previous place of employment. The lack of rules and order left me feeling helpless and threatened. My assistant would leave the room for extended periods of time, while some larger unruly students would make threats to me when I attempted to progress the classroom academically. I knew I could not succeed and that I would lose my sanity if I stayed. I felt like a quitter, but I had to walk away.

I knew I could not fall into the same patterns and habits that I did from 2009-2011, so I needed to keep myself active and productive. I asked my boss at my old school if I could return to work on a volunteer basis. She certainly had no problem with free labor when the school was in a definite time of need, so she consented. I returned the school a humbled and defeated man. At that point in time, the only thing going well for me in my life was the success I was having in grad school.

I worked for free for two months because I held onto the hope that one day I would get my job back. I began to grow frustrated with the behavior of the students and the stress I came home with from a job for which I was not even paid. I was ready to walk away. In fact, I had discussed walking away with my dad the day before the principal called me into her office to inform me that they were opening a new classroom of which I was to be the teacher. It was worth waiting for.

Sadly, the honeymoon period did not last as long as I would have liked. This group of students was not like my previous group. They had a serious “us versus the world” mentality, and they tried to feed into school politics far more often than they needed. They would even try to pull me into it by telling me that my employers did not really care for me because I was the young outlaw, the outcast so to speak. It was a challenge to keep them on track. I felt a sophomore slump because these students were not responding to things in the same way that the previous group did.

Fortunately, reinforcements arrived in the form of Mrs. Balfour once more. We made it work for us, and ultimately we succeeded. It was not easy, but we made it. I know that I am not going to work at this school forever. It is not built for teachers to make a career out of it. If I have learned one thing from working at this school, it is that things will constantly change, and there is little you can do to affect it. You are simply responsible for how effectively you adapt to change. As someone who had a paralyzing fear of change as a young man, I believe I’ve made definite strides in this area.

Dealing with Loss
As a child and even a young adult, there was not much loss that I had to deal with. I did lose my close friend Katie in 2006, but I was fortunate to have all my close family members around. Even at 27 years old, I have all four of my grandparents. However, from 2013 on, I have been faced with the loss of some pretty great people I was blessed to know.

In 2013, I lost a mentor of mine from student teaching, a former member of a youth group I attended during high school, a student I tutored during my time at the learning center (easily the most polite young man I ever met), and a very close family friend. Those hit hard, especially Doug passing away. Only one of them was terminal. The other three were gone in immediate, tragic ways. None were even 55 years old.

2014 was more of the same. I lost a co-worker from my days as a sub that helped me quite a bit, one of my best and brightest Richards kids, and one of my first and longest online friends. These losses still sting today. I don’t understand why people are taken from us when they are. I try to wrap my brain around it, and it only serves to leave me more frustrated.

These losses have changed me. When we lost Katie, my greatest regret was that I did not say more to her during our last conversation. It still bothers me to this day that I was brief on the phone and didn’t tell her how much her friendship and her caring nature meant to me. I have made it a point to appreciate people more and to say thank you more often. People need to know that who they are and what they do matters. I’m still not where I want to be in this regard, but I’m getting there.

The Changing Face of Love
Death isn’t the only form of loss we all deal with. Yes, it is the most final of our losses, but other defeats can get us down just as much. In the previous apologia, I talked at great albeit vague length about my previous four love interests. To understand the man I am today, it is important to pick up where that left off.

This story resumes with the woman who was #4 on that list. The things I said about her then are mostly true now. She was and is a wonderful person who has an innate understanding of who I am. We were a matter of wrong place at the wrong time. However, at one point in time, we were at the right place at the right time.

In June 2012, she happened to be in Illinois. We had experienced two near-misses in the prior year when it came to meeting up, as a scheduling conflict derailed us in November 2011 and missing luggage stopped me when I was in the Pacific Northwest earlier that month. We both decided that it was time to make it happen.

I drove 50 miles to see her for 15 minutes. She got lost on the way and her phone died. I was frantically shouting directions to her as the phone died, and I had no idea whether or not she heard them. I waited in the parking lot for an hour before I started walking around the store to get out my anxious nerves. As I walked out the store having given up, she walked up to me. We had our 15 minutes.

After that, she made a decision that I did not like but understood. We could no long be a part of the other’s life. However, at that point, I didn’t really feel that the door was closed completely. That said, I wasn’t going to wait around forever. She didn’t want me to.

I am a man of rules and principles. Granted, these principles are my own and might come across as absurd to others, but I am a man of principles nonetheless. I live by my own code of conduct. I have a code of conduct when it comes to dating. I do not ask out people at the gym. I do not ask out people while they are at work. If they work at the gym, it is a double no. I also had a policy about not pursuing coworkers which I broke in early 2013.

I had a thing for the social worker at my school for some strange reason. I refer to it as some strange reason because she really wasn’t my “type” and certainly did not have a personality that was conducive to mine whatsoever. I found her attractive and figured I needed to get back on the saddle, so I asked her out. Long story short, she stood me up and then blamed me for it.

I’m not the type to give up on something when it gets difficult, so I thought I could get back into her good graces by buying her flowers for her birthday. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately in hindsight), I did not have her home address so I had them sent to our school. She then proceeded to send me the longest text message I have ever received with the worst tongue lashing in recorded history. Not only did she have an astute grasp of four-letter words, but she also was an amateur historian. She apparently kept a record of everything I had done wrong since the moment we met, which she then presented to me with painstaking detail. A week later, she acted like nothing happened. This occurred a couple of times over a few months where she would berate me then get sickeningly sweet. I wasn’t too bothered by it by the end because I was entirely devoid of romantic interest in her. Needless to say, once she left the school in fall 2013 we did not try to keep in touch.

In spring 2013, I was right about the door not being closed with the aforementioned Lady #4. Things in her life did not go the way she had hoped, and that presented a small window of opportunity for the two of us. We picked up our communication, which was not difficult because of how well we connected with one another. There was this sense between us that if anything lasting and meaningful was ever going to happen, this was the time. It looked as if things were going to head in that direction until she consulted a third party. That third party gave her some advice that I knew would be the final nail in our coffin. Months later, she would write me a letter more or less giving me my freedom, but by that point I knew it was coming. She had to do what was best for her. I hold no ill will towards her, and to this day we still have a special bond.

That nail was put into my coffin in the same week that I resigned from my position at the alternative high school. I was so defeated. Everything I had worked so hard for had fallen around me. I didn’t destroy it myself; I merely could not stop the storm. I played my best hand, and I still lost. My confidence and my demeanor started to sink.

The people who make the greatest impacts in our lives are the ones who come when we need them the most. About a month after everything fell apart I met someone in the most random of ways that you probably wouldn’t believe even if I told you. Meeting that person changed my outlook on life. Instead of focusing on all that I had lost, I gained a renewed sense of energy and focus on the positive things in my life and a hope in my heart for what lies ahead for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I still make mistakes. Some of the same dumb things I would’ve done at 14 I still do at 27. I connect my mouth to my heart instead of my mind far too often. I sprint when I should walk. I’m not the man I want to be yet. But despite all of that, I am better today than I was when I wrote the first apologia. I appreciate those who put up with me despite these things, and I encourage them to be patient. My best is yet to come!

“Be a good man, Jakob”
Every morning when I look in the mirror, I say that line to myself. I know it may sound trite and clichéd, but it is something I want to reinforce on a daily basis. While I wouldn’t say that at any point in my life that I’ve been a “bad” man, there have been times that I could be a lot better.

In 2014, one of my primary personal objectives for the year was to become a more thoughtful person. The deaths that happened in 2013 really got to me and made me want to let people know that I truly appreciated them. I was able to use my love of writing to reach that end.

I embarked on two lengthy blog series to show my appreciation for those who have positively impacted my life. First, I detailed the 27 albums that shaped the first 27 years of my life. It was really rewarding to talk about the impact that music has made on my life and how it has guided me through some of my darkest moments as well as provided a soundtrack for my brightest hours. Through that series, I was able to make some connections with musicians that have positively impacted me, and I believe some meaningful relationships were established.

The second series (and the one I am most proud of) was the “You Are the Story I Tell” series. I wrote open letters to dozens of individuals who have positively impacted my life since 1987. I believe it is so important for people to know that who they are and what they do matters. Sometimes I feel overlooked and underappreciated. I figure that if I do, others must as well. Through these letters, people have a lasting memento of the impact they made on my life and the knowledge that they are, indeed, appreciated.

I feel a greater need today to be a good man than I have ever felt before. I intentionally waited to this point to talk about my third year in the classroom. The students in this group, quite frankly, are scary. They are capable of doing some very terrifying deeds. Some of them already have. However, they are equally as capable of impacting the world in a positive, meaningful way. Some of them have never received the guidance that they need, so they turn to gang members, rappers, and other unsavory individuals to provide that leadership. That is no way for them to live. They need good men in their lives so that they have a chance to one day be good men themselves. This school year more than any other has taught me the value of treating people well, of thinking before I speak, and remembering that there are consequences to the decisions we make.

Here’s where I am. So where am I going?
I’ve done a lot of growing up since the first apologia. Part of that is an inevitable side effect of adulthood, but a large portion of the growing up I have done has come from the people that have entered and exited my life and the place in which I work. I have seen things as an educator that I never thought I would see. The stress of my position may not have aged me on the outside, but it has worn on me from the inside.

When I met with my friends for breakfast, I came to the realization that we were still the same people we were when we hung out on a daily basis in 2003. Life matures us. It shapes us and molds us in ways that we may not have thought possible or even intended. But I truly believe that at our core, we are who we are. I am more mature than I was in 2011. I work harder and make better decisions, but I am Jakob for better or worse, and I am okay with that.

I don’t know where the next steps of my journey will take me. Though I certainly have a preference for how I would like things to go, nothing is guaranteed. I’m not the man who I want to be, but I’m not the man I once was, either. Though we stay the same at our core, our circumstances and choices both define and refine us. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m excited to get there. Maybe in another few years I will add to this story. I know one thing is certain: My story is far from over.

Dead? Not Even Sleeping: State Champs, Forever Came Calling, and the Healthy Condition of the Pop Punk Genre

It annoys me when people declare things to be “dead”. Quite often whatever they are referring to is not “dead’; instead, for one reason or another, that person has lost enjoyment or meaning from that particular item. To compensate and try to find meaning from their loss of pleasure, they make the all-encompassing excuse that the item is now past the point of serving a purpose and must be put to rest. Sometimes, that is true, but more often than not, that item isn’t what changed – it’s the person passing the judgment who has changed.

The declaration of “death” is particularly pervasive in music. If I had a dollar for every genre that I have heard declared as dead over time, I would have all the money I’d need to retire from teaching and settle down in Western Pennsylvania for the duration of my years. Rock has been declared dead prematurely. Hip hop has been declared dead as well. Same with punk rock and all the way down to disco (okay, they may have had a point with that one).

Perhaps the greatly exaggerated demise of the pop punk genre gets to me the most because it is a genre that I have grown up with and has helped to shape me into the man I am today. From Nothing Gold Can Stay to Mmhmm to The Rocking Chair Years, pop punk music served as the soundtrack to my formative years and has stayed with me as I near closer to 30 than 20.

Let’s be fair. The genre has always been met with its fair share of derision. Even when bands like Blink-182, Green Day, and New Found Glory were bringing the genre to mainstream prominence, pop punk was always in this weird in-between zone. The punk rockers would see us as their younger sibling who was trying too hard to be popular, while the pop crowd didn’t find us as popular enough. If pop punk was ever going to break through, it had to change.

And change it did. While Fall Out Boy helped bring the genre to the forefront of the middle of last decade, other bands followed their lead to less successful results. As the decade neared its end, the pop punk bands that were finding success were not your typical pop punk bands. They added elements of other genres, whether it was the increased use of synths in 2007 or so or the rise of infusion of hardcore elements by bands like Four Year Strong, Set Your Goals, or even A Day to Remember. I enjoy these bands, but even I wondered what was next for “traditional” pop punk.

One of the scarier things to hit the pop punk genre in the 2010s was complacency and lack of creativity. Once The Wonder Years really hit their stride with Suburbia I’ve Given You All and Now I’m Nothing, there was an influx of singers who wanted to sound exactly like Soupy and sounded like B-rate impostors. Put simply, there wasn’t much good coming out. People were quick to proclaim the death of pop punk. Some bands took up the mantra that they needed to “Defend Pop Punk”. The best way for anyone to defend pop punk is to preserve all the things that made the genre great – energy, driving beats, killer hooks, and relatable lyrics about love, growth, and heartbreak – and build upon them. Here are two bands today that are doing that and more.

State Champs is a band that really burst on the scene in 2013 with their debut full length, The Finer Things. I wonder if they got their inspiration from Derek Discanio’s voice, because it is one of the finest things to hit the genre in years. I have always held Ryan Key as the gold standard for vocal excellence in the genre, but give Derek some time, and he’ll be up there as well. I had the privilege of seeing these guys perform at Warped Tour ’14, and they brought passion, intensity, and most importantly, the skills to back it all up. Give these guys three years, and they’ll be headlining the whole tour.

Everyone likes a good underdog story. Rising from the bottom to attain the pinnacle of excellence is so deeply rooted in the fabric of our country and culture that it more or less defines the “American Dream”. We’ve all been overlooked and underrated at some point, and it does our hearts well to see someone in a similar situation rise to the top because it fills us with hope that we can one day do the same. Forever Came Calling is one of these underdog stories. A few years ago, these guys had to scratch and claw just to make on the stage of Warped one time. To lesser people, that would be enough to give it up, but they kept going. Their relentless pursuit of what they wanted is something we can all learn from. But they didn’t stop there. Too often people look at merely receiving an opportunity as the endgame, but the opportunity is just the beginning. To get to where you want to be, you have to make the most of the opportunities you are given, no matter how limited they may be. After signing on with Pure Noise Records, Forever Came Calling has made their mark on the genre, starting with 2012’s Contender and continuing with 2014’s What Matters Most. Hyperbole aside, both of these albums would have been heavyweights a decade ago when the genre was healthiest. Songs like “Indebted”, “Defenseless”, and “Spanish Mothers (I Just Miss)” show that these guys not only have a bright future, their present is pretty glorious as well.

State Champs and Forever Came Calling are just two of the bands who are “getting it right” and doing the genre proud. There are other bands out there who are working hard to make their mark as well. Pop punk’s not dead. It’s not even sleeping. Make sure you’re not the one who’s sleeping and missing out on all that’s out there.

When Broken Is Not Actually Broken

My love of music should come as no surprise to anyone by this point. I spent three months this year on a series specifically about music, and I have another upcoming post devoted to that topic. The number of songs I have on my hard drive totals well over 10000. This year, I finally broke down and bought an iPod. Unfortunately, the only iPod with the capability of storing my vast music library is the recently discontinued iPod Classic. It cost me an arm and a leg, but I purchased a 160 GB iPod Classic in October.

I never felt that I was lacking before I had an iPod, but I must admit that having one certainly enhanced my workout experience. The ability to handpick my workout music led to greater quality in my workouts and much faster runs. I was particularly careful with my iPod because I knew how much I spent on it and that a replacement would not be readily available.

One of life’s sad realities is that no matter how careful you are with anything, slipups are virtually inevitable. One day shortly after Thanksgiving, I set my iPod down after a workout. For some reason I set it face down on top of an envelope. I don’t know where my mind was at that moment, but it happened.

When I grabbed the iPod to listen to it, I came to the realization that my earbuds were adhered to the screen of the device. When I went to pull the earbuds, it made a very loud (and seemingly very deep) scratch down the center of my screen. I was devastated! I had worked so hard to keep something nice, and within the span of a few seconds, I had ruined it all.

I didn’t touch my iPod for a few days after that. Even though I knew the device still worked, I couldn’t bear to look at what I had done. I messed it up, and I couldn’t fix it. Or so I had thought…

After a few days, the scratch had dried up and sort of crusted up. I thought this was a result of settling because the scratch was no longer fresh. It stayed in this state for a couple weeks before getting worse. Instead of the scratch only covering a small portion of the screen, it began to expand!

Then something interesting happened. My iPod fell out of my pocket at the gym and landed face down. I knew I couldn’t possibly make the screen worse than it already was, so I thought little of it when I picked it up. Instinctively, I wiped off the screen with my shirt to remove the dust from the floor of the gym. When I did that, I noticed that the scratch got a little smaller. I thought it had to be some optical illusion or that my good mood was clouding my judgment, so I thought little of it until I got home.

When I got home, I came to a startling realization. The scratch was never a scratch. The adhesive part of the enveloped dried and coagulated on my iPod. All it was that happened was that some sticky stuff got on my screen and dried up, leaving what I thought to be an ugly scar. If I had taken a closer look at it, I would’ve known right away that it was something that was easily fixable. I wiped off my screen, and now it looks exactly as it did the day I bought it.

That turn of events got me thinking about life in general. Sometimes we look at situations and see that they are not exactly what we would like for them to be at that moment, so we discard that situation thinking that it is already helpless. I am certainly guilty of panicking at the first sign of trouble when it comes to people I care about. I say things that I have absolutely no right to say. I look at some situations and instead of being patient I feel helpless and make things worse. I then get discouraged and want to give up because I did something stupid.

But we have to remember that life takes effort to get from where we are to where we want to be. Sometimes we have to face the things we don’t like. Yes, sometimes things will be broken, and all we can do is move on. But sometimes things are easily fixed. They may take time (and even a little luck) to get to where you want them to be, but it is possible! This past week was living proof of that for me. Sometimes they’re not even broken at all. Don’t give up.

Finding a Reason

It is important to maintain an attitude of gratitude. Without that attitude, it is easy to become a malcontent, and there are all sorts of problems that can stem from a malcontented lifestyle. However, maintaining a sense of gratitude is not always easy, especially as your world is seemingly falling to pieces around you. How, then, can you be thankful?

Before I answer that question, here is a little bit of perspective. Though 2013 was the worst year of my life to that point, I was feeling particularly resurgent a year ago at this time. Though I had been laid off from my job and had a brief stint at a nightmare of a school, I finally got my job back. Though the final nails had been put into the coffin of my five year complicated relationship, I met someone who not only was everything I had been looking for but also was someone who gave me a reason to be excited about life. For the first time in a long time, I finally had a reason to smile, and I was smiling again.

Fast forward to today. It is not news to any of you who know me well or talk to me on a fairly regular basis that things have not been going well. I spent the past year trying to build upon the foundation that I laid last Thanksgiving. I am not being dramatic when I say that foundation has fallen apart, both personally and professionally. Due to circumstances beyond my control (professionally) and due to my own inability to ride things out and not act like a total fool who can’t help but trip over his own feet (personally), the past few months have been a nightmare from which I cannot seem to wake up. Every time I think things cannot get worse, they have. Things have honestly been so bad that I have had serious doubts about the success of both my present and my future. To be completely honest, I have strongly entertained the idea that I might never get from where I am to where I want to be.

With all that in mind, I anticipated that my annual Thanksgiving post would be rather difficult to write. I thought to myself, “With all that is going wrong, what is there that I am legitimately thankful for?” No matter what, we must find a reason. I realized that while things are far from ideal, I am still blessed. I have much to be grateful for, but two things in particular stand out.

First, I am thankful that my story is not over. I admit that I tend to struggle to see the forest through the trees. When I endure trials, those trials often carry a sense of permanence in my mind. What I forget to realize is that nothing in my life has remained constant. I couldn’t make the good times last. I couldn’t keep my friends from moving away. I couldn’t stay the course with Permacrush without messing it up. Those are facts. What I also need to realize is that the bad times play by those same rules. None of my trials need to be permanent. I have not made any mistakes that have put me in prison or left me without my physical or mental faculties. Yes, for lack of a better term, this chapter of my life may suck. But this book is not over. I am tentatively excited for what is to come.

Second (and equally as important if not more important), I am grateful to have a number of people in my life who not only think much more highly of me than they should, but who also refuse to let me give up. As I’ve said, this year has been tough. My confidence has taken a serious hit. But there are so many people who still believe in me, even as I struggle to find a reason to believe in myself. There are people who have sat and listened to me as I was on the verge of a breakdown who figuratively talked me off the ledge. There are people who have told me that being defeated was not who I am. So many of you have encouraged me to find a reason and keep going, that things are going to be alright in the end and that my day is closer than I think. I’m going to keep going, if only so that I can prove you right. You are my reason to keep going.

No matter what happens in our lives, as long as we still have breath in our lungs and hope in our hearts, we have to be grateful. I know it may seem tough at times, but all it takes is one easy step. Find a reason.

Applying 21st Century Educational Principles in a School with 20th Century Resources

Applying 21st Century Educational Principles in a School with 20th Century Resources
Jakob Duehr
Teacher, Alternative Academic Achievement Academy
American College of Education


Introduction
The realm of education is not static; instead, it is constantly evolving and improving so that we can more effectively reach our students. In the 21st Century alone, education has made significant advances in virtually all areas, notably in the integration of technology and new instructional techniques. Put simply, districts, schools, and educators must adapt with the times or they run the risk of inadequately preparing their students both for the next step in their educational journey as well as their lives outside of the classroom. With this in mind, what can a teacher do in a school that, from a resource standpoint, is stuck in the 20th Century? This is a question that is of significant interest to me personally, as I teach in a school that suffers from a severe lack of resources. However, I have learned that there is still a great deal that I can do in my own classroom despite the school’s limitations. Over the past sixteen months (the span of my journey in the Curriculum and Instruction program at the American College of Education), I have been able to identify strategies and principles that are designed to reach my students in meaningful ways.

Background of School
I teach in a small (approximately fifty students), private alternative school located in the south suburbs of Chicago. Our students have been placed at the school as a result of one or more major behavioral or disciplinary infractions at their public school. A significant majority of the student population falls under the African American male demographic, and the majority of our students are on individualized education plans (IEPs) for academic, behavioral, and social/emotional challenges. Most students test well below grade level both on the state examinations and the examinations that they are issued by the school following their enrollment. The behavioral issues that these students come to the building with manifest themselves in the classroom through disinterest at best and disruption at worst.

In his article entitled “The Question of Class”, Gorski (2007) identified a number of characteristics which were indicative of a high-poverty school. These include but are not limited to teachers that are working outside their areas of certification, a figurative revolving door in the teaching staff, and a lack of working computers and/or internet access. All of those characteristics can be found within my school building.

If a visitor was to enter this school building, it would not be out of the ordinary for them to encounter classrooms that had up to four grade levels in the same classroom. There are general education teachers teaching special education classes, and since each classroom is self-contained there are teachers with secondary certificates who must teach subjects outside of their certifications. As a social studies teacher by trade who also has to teach mathematics and science, I am an example of a teacher who works outside of my certifications. Because of the challenges that stem from our student population as well as the thin resources, it is not surprising to discover teachers at this school do not last particularly long and that the school is perpetually under-staffed.

Technology at my school is limited at best. In fact, teachers often joke that their “technology” consists of a whiteboard that can still be erased. Most classrooms have one working computer in total, and that computer is not hooked up to a projector, rendering PowerPoint lectures impossible. As of this writing, the computer lab has five working computers, but since these computers date back to the first year of the George W. Bush administration, they tend to be quite slow. Ultimately, there is no computer in the building that is reliable enough for students to use for any significant amount of work.

Perhaps the greatest challenge to incorporating 21st Century education principles at this school is the fact that the school has no set curriculum. Teachers are given a significant amount of autonomy, as they generally not only get to decide what they are going to teach but also how and what resources they are going to use to teach it. Teachers are even responsible for finding their own books and instructional materials, as the school does not provide such things to the staff. It can be extremely easy for modern educational principles to become an afterthought, as a question on the mind of many teachers is “What in the world am I going to use to teach this lesson, and where am I going to find it?”

Despite all the challenges that present themselves on a daily basis, I do not believe that it is impossible to bring the school into the 21st Century. First, one must recognize that some limitations are not going to change. Barring anything unforeseen, the school is not going to come into a surplus of money to provide teachers with all the resources found in some public school districts. Teachers are going to have to be creative and resourceful. They must also recognize that the integration of technology is not the only way to effectively reach students. We reach students when we can connect to them. In the sections that follow, I have examined and implemented strategies designed to reach our students to ideally put them in a better position to succeed.

Application of Principles
Connecting to Culture
As a middle- class Caucasian teacher from the suburbs, I have a far different cultural background than that of my students. As educators, we cannot use that as an excuse when it comes to reaching students. We must develop an understanding of who our students are and where they come from in order to guide them to where they ultimately want to be. Teaching must respond to culture. One benefit I have had in working in such a small school is the opportunity to truly get to know my students. In a classroom of twenty to thirty students, it is difficult to establish relationships with all students. In a classroom of eight students, however, there is a greater opportunity to establish these relationships. Because I have been able to connect with my students, I have been able to guide my instruction to effectively reach them.

Wood and Jocius (2013) attribute success in culturally responsive teaching to the three C’s: Culturally Responsive Texts, Collaboration, and Critical Conversations. Our goal is always to ensure that our students are engaged, yet many times we are surprised when our outdated (and at times irrelevant) texts fail to resonate with our students. Through the relationships I have established with my students and collaboration with my coworkers, I have been able to find these culturally responsive texts. Bud, Not Buddy is just one of many texts that we have incorporated into our reading instruction to connect learning with culture. It is going to take some critical conversations as a staff as well to discuss which of our reading texts have made an impact on our students and which have failed to hit their mark.

My students have lofty goals and dreams, but a common theme among them is this belief that their backgrounds and experiences preclude them from making a lasting impact on the world around them. One of my favorite units that I have developed combats this thinking. During Black History Month, students have the opportunity to examine the main characters of the Harlem Renaissance. These individuals came from similar socioeconomic backgrounds and experiences as my students, yet they were able to rise above their challenges and positively impact not only their community but the culture of an entire country. Students are given the opportunity to induct one of these characters into the “Harlem Renaissance Hall of Fame”. I have limited the impact of the lack of computers by pairing students up. There is a big ceremony during which students explain and argue the impact of their character to the rest of the class. It is my hope and belief that this unit empowers my students to work to make similar impacts on their communities. This unit is impactful through its connection to culture and can be done with minimal technology use.

Making it Relevant
In the previous section, I briefly touched upon the impact of culturally responsive texts. Alfred Tatum (2006) argues classroom instruction cannot be impactful if no connections are made; that is, the text must be relevant to the student if they are going to extract meaning from it. Students extract value from these texts because the content which coincides with events which are similar to their own backgrounds and experiences (Feger, 2006). It is imperative for classroom instruction to connect to the background, interests, and experiences of the readers and respond to the needs of students. Texts must engage readers and enrich students in what Tatum argues are students’ four primary literacy needs: academic, cultural, social, and emotional.

Relevance can occur outside of the use of texts. In my classroom, I have observed two patterns with my students. First, there is an almost utilitarian attitude within my students when they ask “Why are we learning this?” or “What is having this knowledge going to do for me?” Second, I have observed a desire for control and decision-making in my students. Many of these students come from home situations in which any degree of control has been taken out of their hands. These students are going to be out in the workforce someday, so is important to give them real-world applications and decision-making processes within their course of study.

As a social studies teacher by trade, I love to put my students in the shoes of the individuals they are studying. When we are studying a particular battle, I bring one of the televisions into the classroom and a copy of the short-lived History Channel series Command Decisions. During these lessons, students are able to view a battle as it unfolds. When it comes time for a decision to be made, I pause the video and allow for students to choose what they would do in that situation. We discuss these decisions and their reasoning for the choices they made, then resume the video to evaluate the impact of the choices they would have made. These lessons are always a favorite amongst the students, as they have the opportunity to apply what they have learned in a meaningful way.

Appreciating the Individual
In spite of the fact that we live in a technological age, neither the teachers nor the students are robots. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that students do not learn in the same way and do not necessarily have the capacity to express what they learned in the same way. In a small school like mine, it is easier to appreciate the uniqueness of the individual.

One way in which many teachers within my school building have appreciated the individuality of our students is through the incorporation of Universal Design for Learning (UDL) principles. These principles include multiple means of representation, multiple means for engagement, multiple means for action and expression, and multiple means for assessment (Brand, Favazza, & Dalton, 2012). The aforementioned technological limitations do make multiple means of representation challenging (though the incorporation of the television during the Command Decisions lesson helps to meet that end). We do, however, have a great opportunity for multiple means for action and expression as well as assessment.

This brings us back to the aforementioned Harlem Renaissance unit. In addition to the Harlem Renaissance Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, students have the opportunity to demonstrate their mastery of the content in a method that is best designed to coincide with their abilities and interests. Students are responsible for producing an artifact that embodies the spirit of the Harlem Renaissance. This could consist of a mural depicting the characters, themes, and events of the Harlem Renaissance. It could be the composition of a poem in the style of Langston Hughes that details some of the issues that they are dealing with in their own lives. It could be a song or a dance or anything that allows students to best express what they have learned. I often tell the students “I do not care how you show me that you learned what I am teaching you. I just care that you learn it.”

Conclusion
Some schools are more fortunate than others. Many schools unfortunately lack the resources and technology to bring their building into the 21st Century. However, a lack of resources does not make for a lost cause. Effective educators must incorporate modern educational principles within their classrooms to effectively guide their students from where they are to where they want to be. In my school, I have worked to reach that end by connecting instruction to culture, bringing relevance to learning, and appreciating the individuality of my students. While some of these students may never test at their appropriate grade level, both their engagement and performance have improved as a result of these applications. These methods have empowered me toward my primary objective as an educator: to put my students in a position to succeed. Through the application of these principles, I believe any educator can reach that goal as well.
 
References
Brand, S., Favazza, A. E., & Dalton, E. M. (2012). Universal design for learning: A blueprint for success for all learners. Kappa Delta Pi Record, 48(3), 134-139.
Feger, M. (2006). “I want to read”: How culturally relevant texts increase student engagement in reading. Multicultural Education, 13(3), 18-19.
Gorski, P. C. (2007). The question of class. The Education Digest, 73(2), 30-33.
Tatum, A. W. (2006). Engaging African American males in reading. Educational Leadership, 63(5), 44-49.
Wood, S., & Jocius, R. (2013). Combating 'I hate this stupid book!': Black males and critical literacy. Reading Teacher, 66(8), 661.

The Myth of the Universal Fix

If you read my last post (which you can always read HERE if you missed it), you can tell that there are a number of things in my life that are not where I want them to be. What I am doing just isn’t working. It’s time for me to take a step back to reevaluate and refocus. This post will hopefully allow me to do exactly that.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that if you’re reading this, there’s something about your life that you would like to change. If you’re anything like me, you are probably dealing with a whole litany of things that need to be changed (if only for the sake of your sanity). When it rains, it pours, and I’m in the midst of a torrential downpour.

One of the biggest traps that we (or at least I) fall into is letting problems in one area of my life seep into others. Around the time I returned from my layoff last fall, work has been exceedingly challenging. If I can be completely honest, this year has felt like a nightmare that keeps getting worse. The worst part is that most of the challenges are completely out of my control. Even if I do things to the best of my ability, things may not (and to this point have not) get better.

When one area of my life starts to falter, I try to overcompensate in other areas. As I said in my last post, I met someone about a year ago. For the sake of this post let’s refer to her as “Permacrush”, which is how I usually refer to her on social media. The worse things at work get, the more pressure I place on myself to have something in my life go my way. As a result, I place all sorts of pressure on myself, and in doing so, I place unnecessary pressures on her. By looking to her to be make every aspect of my life instantly better, I act in ways I normally wouldn’t. I say things that I normally wouldn’t (I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve looked at a phone and hated myself for the stupid text message I just sent). I lose sight of who I am and where I want to be because I have transferred all the other issues in my life into this one issue.

The fact of the matter is that there isn’t a universal fix, and I’m learning that I can’t try to find one. Permacrush isn’t going to fix my work situation. The ideal classroom isn’t going to make my relationships go exactly how I want them to go. Peak physical condition isn’t going to bring my friends back to Chicagoland. If my life is going to turn around, it’s because I attack each issue as its own separate entity. I need to find joy in the journey at work, even if that journey is riddled with pain and stress. I need to get Permacrush off the pedestal I placed her on and treat her like a person, not some sort of goddess. It puts too much of a burden on both of us otherwise. I’ve never been the greatest at patience, but if I’m going to make things work, I’m going to have to take it one day at a time, one battle at a time, one decision at a time. I can’t promise that I’m going to get there, but I can promise that I will take a different route than the one I have been travelling. There is no universal fix, and I can’t make one.

"Everything I try seems so impossible. Everything I have would be enough for someone else but I want more."

*Title taken from "End of the World Delight" by The Graduate

I know this may come as a great shock to many of you, so you may want to sit down while reading the following sentence. I am not without flaws. In fact, I have several of them. I know this puts me on the same level as approximately 7 billion other people. That said, I don’t like having some of these flaws. If you will, please allow me the indulgence of putting some thoughts into writing, and we’ll see if we can take care of some of these issues.

I actually touched on this a little more than a year ago on this very blog (feel free to click the link for a brief refresher). I am by nature a driven person. When I determine that I want something, I let virtually nothing stand in my way until I reach that end. In some cases, that has been a great thing. Without that drive, I would not have lost weight or run two marathons. I would not have done nearly as well in grad school if I did not have the focus that has become a hallmark of my adult years. The problem, however, lies when instantaneous success is not an option.

When things do not go my way, I tend to press. There is a flaw in my line of thinking that to this point I have been unable to fix. I get so focused on my end goal and the fear that it will elude my grasp that I lose sight of how I got that far in the first place (and eventually I lose sight of who I am). I become so worried about losing (whether it is an opportunity, a relationship, or something else) that the Jakob at the end is nowhere close to the same Jakob who started.

Case in point: In 2012, I was fresh off the success of having lost weight and was buoyed by confidence after having completed my first marathon. However, I quickly found that the taste of success left me hungry for more. I knew that I could not go on any longer as a substitute teacher. I had to have a greater sense of fulfillment, so I began to work towards that end. A strange thing happened that year, though. I was so driven to have purpose in my life and “act like an adult” that in many ways I lost sight of myself. I stayed clean-shaven for a good portion of the year because I thought that was how an adult should look. I even briefly abandoned my pop punk styling in favor of more “mature” tastes. In fact, I was looking at the “2012 by my Arbitrary Lists” posts the other day and was astonished how my music tastes were far more different that year than any other year. It was a direct result of my single-mindedness. Yes, 2012 was ultimately a success, but in hindsight, it would have been considerably more enjoyable if I had stayed “Jakob” in the process instead of the Jakob I thought I needed to be.

The issue of desire getting in the way really comes into play in my personal life. I met someone a year ago, and we hit it off right away. Things grew organically because there was no pressure or expectation for it to grow any certain way. I can say we honestly enjoyed the company of one another, as we spent nearly all day everyday (work hours permitting) in contact with one another. Then two funny things happened in quick succession. First, we had our first disagreement. In the grand scheme of things, it was only a minor squabble, but it set me on a different course. It did so because (2) I finally came to the realization that “Oh my goodness. I really really really (yes, three reallys) want us to be together.”

From that moment on, I lost all ability to be natural. I gradually stopped being me and started morphing into this representation of what I either thought she needed or thought that I was supposed to be. Unsurprisingly, this method has not been particularly successful. It is a testament to how well we connected in the beginning that we still have contact. What I think troubles me the most is that I recognize this issue within myself, yet my desire overrides my ability to act naturally to the point that I am constantly tripping over my own feet and probably frustrating both her and myself in the process. For her sake and mine, I need to get better at this. That doesn't mean that I need to lose my interest in her (because that isn't going to happen). I do need to get better at how I approach things as a result of this interest.

Part of this problem can be attributed to my process of valuing. Before I have the ability to truly care about something, I play it particularly cool. I can rock the first impressions like a pro. Actually, once I stop caring about something, I have the ability to return to my initial levels of coolness. You can talk to a number of former interests of mine, and they will probably tell you that they liked me most when they first met me—and after I stopped liking them!

So there’s the issue. I do not want to stop caring about the things I care about. They are my hopes, dreams, and goals for a reason, after all. However, if I approach them with the intensity and tenacity that I have traditionally done, I exponentially increase the likelihood of alienating myself from others, burning myself out, and losing sight of who I am in the process. I want to get better at this. I need to get better at this. I just have to find a way…