For the tenth (?!?) year in a row, I am ending my year by blogging about it in a “Year in Review” post. I enjoy this post probably more than I enjoy writing any other post over the course of the year, as it allows me to reflect on the year that just was and even allows me to go back years later to ponder and reminisce. Quite honestly, 2013 was a challenging year. Put bluntly, it was awful, but it did have some bright spots. As usual, there will be a month-by-month rundown of the year and some thoughts to follow.
January: The year started off with a bang, if by “bang” you mean “Jakob fears for his job.” The school thought they were going to have to lay me off as enrollment went the wrong direction. Fortunately, that did not happen, but I was constantly looking over my shoulder after that. I had a nasty cold/illness that took most of the month to fully shake. I was able to enjoy a nice little Saturday trip to Grand Rapids, Michigan, with my family and got to watch the Seahawks nearly pull off one of the greatest upsets in playoff history. Unfortunately, they came up short, but it provided a lot of hope for the following season.
February: Thanks to rising frustrations, I started lifting at the gym to supplement my cardio. While I am by no means “jacked”, I made a significant amount of progress in regards to my strength. The month was challenging. Two of my students got into a fight in the middle of class, which led to severe long-term ramifications for them both inside and out of the classroom. I honestly felt like I had failed as a teacher.
March: Somehow, enrollment turned around at work and my class began to grow exponentially to the point that I was once again given some help in my classroom, for which I was very thankful. It lightened my load and made the rest of the school year run more smoothly. I made the decision to run another marathon and began training for that. Things began to go extremely sour with a coworker, a recurring theme of 2013.
April: Once again, I enjoyed a pleasant birthday. I decided to get a new tattoo on my birthday of the word “hypomone” on my forearm (a Greek word for “endurance” or “courageous resolve” that was the title of my youth pastor’s last sermon in that position while I was in high school). Mom was a bit freaked at first, but she got over it quickly. I was able to enjoy our yearly WrestleMania get together at my aunt and uncle’s house (even though this particular WrestleMania was decidedly subpar). The month took a nosedive very quickly, as a very close family friend passed away unexpectedly. I still don’t know why things like that happen, but I guess it’s not my place to have such knowledge.
May: Marathon training got more intense, and I began to rack up the miles. I felt weary physically, mentally, and emotionally, as the wear and tear of the school year was finally starting to affect me. I made a poor decision on a birthday gift for someone, and that blew up in my face. It happens. It would have been very easy to simply coast into the end of the school year at that point. But my kids deserved better than that, so they got better.
June: June was a very eventful month. The school year officially ended at the beginning of the month, and the last day was a great celebration of how far we had all come over the past year. I gave each of my students personalized letters with “one last lesson” I wanted them to take with them, and they really responded to that well. I went to a WWE event with my uncle and aunt, and quite honestly, our seats were amazing. I love sitting on the floor. I ran the marathon, which was awful. The weather was bad, the terrain was bad, and the entire experience was bad. I injured my ankle with ten miles to go, but being the stubborn person that I am, I hobbled to the end and crossed the finish line. The rest of the trip to Iowa with my parents and cousin was fun, however.
July: I finally got started on a goal of mine when I began my M. Ed. Program with the American College of Education. It was always my intent to start grad school after I had taught full time for a year, as I would have a year of experience under my belt and more money to pay for grad school. I just didn’t think that whole process would take as long as it did. I was apprehensive about being rusty at the start, having been out of school for a few years, but I was able to shake those cobwebs and at this point, I am one-third done with the entire program. I also was able to catch one of the bands that I listen to at a free show at the mall and got to meet with them after.
August: I almost don’t know where to start here. I was asked by the social worker to help her with a presentation for our school’s Behavior Committee during one of our two in-service days prior to the start of the school year. I had still not heard anything about the beginning of the school year and my assignment, so I began to worry. I finished my part of the presentation and brought it in to work a few days early, hoping to get my assignment. I heard nothing specific, but I got a letter in the mail about coming to teacher orientation the following week. I thought everything was alright. When we got to orientation, roughly half of us were informed that because of plummeting enrollment, we were laid off. Unfortunately, I was one of those people. Eleven of my twelve students from the previous year were allowed reinstatement to their public schools. I was very happy for them, but I was out of a job because I had done my job so well. I was left scrambling because I had not applied for any jobs over the summer (thinking my position was still intact). I applied for the few jobs that were out there, and shockingly to me, I was called by three of those schools for an interview. The first interview was awkward and I felt overmatched, so I knew that one wasn’t going to go well. The second interview was at an alternative high school, and I really hit it off with the administrators, so I felt very optimistic about that. The third interview was at a school where two of my former students currently attend. I was very hopeful about this position. I received a call back from the superintendent to “discuss the position” because my first interview went so well. Unbeknownst to me until midway through the conversation, this was actually another interview and I was not offered the job. Unfortunately for me, he decided to go in another direction. The month did end on a nice note, however, as my sister had a very nice wedding in Grand Rapids and I gave a pretty great speech at the reception.
September: This is when the wheels more or less fell off. I received the job at the alternative high school, but after meeting with one of the district administrators, I did not feel right about it. When I started, I quickly realized that gut instinct was right. Curriculum at the school was a joke, my responsibilities were misrepresented to me during my interviews, and the students were not held accountable for anything. I was told to treat it as a victory that the kids were even showing up. They were allowed to curse me out, and I was offered one of two courses of action: I could either ignore it or curse back at them. Neither of those options was particularly palatable to me. Throw in an assistant who tried to undermine instead of help, and I realized I was being set up to fail. I made the difficult decision to walk away from the job for the sake of my sanity. At this point, I returned to AAA. My job was not waiting for me. I was still laid off. I did not want to just sit around and collect unemployment. I knew that if I was not productive, I would lose my mind. So I started working at the school for free, doing whatever they needed me to do. This quickly turned into me actually teaching a class (but without any real benefits). It wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do. This month also led to great disappointment with someone. I (perhaps naively) believed that my long wait was over and things were finally about to change. I sent a few awesome personalized gifts out that way in hopes that my charm would finally be the catalyst to change. It wasn’t. I was promised a letter that never came. As my world around me felt like it was crumbling, I walked to the mailbox everyday because it was the only thing I held out hope for. That hope never arrived. I sucked it up and kept going.
October: This month held the status quo in terms of work and school. I got into a daily routine, and while it wasn’t optimal, I got used to it. I went to a Seahawks game in Indianapolis with my dad and sister, and we had a good time even though our guys unfortunately lost. We also had a nice trip to Michigan City, Indiana, to the outlet malls, and over the course of this month I met a fellow teacher and WWE fan who helped restore my smile a bit.
November: I was about ready to tap out and stop volunteering at AAA when I was informed that I would be receiving my class back. A number of students were expelled from a district (that, coincidentally, my professor for the grad school course I was taking worked in) and the school had a need for my services. It was tough jumping back in right then and there, but it’s always better to have something than to be lacking.
December: The year ended with a lot of entertaining relatives, holiday celebrations, and teaching. It’s interesting that I ended this year pretty much in the same place that I ended last year, but the route I took to get there this year was much more circuitous.
So, yeah, a lot happened this year. In comparison to previous “Year in Review” posts, this is significantly longer. I felt I had to go into detail to let you know where I’ve been and how I got to where I am today.
2013 was a struggle. Loss is never an easy thing to handle. When you have to deal with losses in employment, in friendships, in relationships, in unexpected deaths, and in hope, it takes a toll on you. Things like that make it very difficult to get up in the morning. But that is never an excuse to give up, easy as that may be.
Quite possibly the thing this year I am proudest of is the fact that I did not regress as a person despite all that occurred. Sure, I made some of the same mistakes I’ve always made (especially in the relationship realm), but I didn’t go backwards. In years past, I would’ve let the defeats hit me harder. I kept at it, and the “courageous resolve” that is visibly displayed on my forearm was on display for the rest of t he world to see as well.
I’m looking forward to 2014. I’ll be honest… I’ve been looking forward to it since June or July! It was a year that put 2005 and 2010 to shame. I am excited for what is to come. I’ve got nowhere to go but up!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
A Letter to My 25 Year Old Self
A while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is a bonus installment of the series.
Letter to Jakob Duehr: To be received December 31, 2012
Dear Jakob,
This is from you, 365 days into the future. Normally I wouldn’t write a reflective letter so close to the fact (we try to safeguard against recency bias), but I’m making an exception for you. You’re going to need it. Before you read this letter, I have one warning for you:
You’re not going to like this.
2013 is going to be the most challenging year of your life. I know you’ve had bad years before, but quite honestly, they pale in comparison. 2001? Child’s play. 2010? That’s a trip to the Riviera. This is even worse than 2005.
You accomplished a lot in 2012. Quite honestly, it was impressive, though tiring. You’re already going to feel a bit weary heading into 2013. This year is going to start off on a very poor note. Things at AAA aren’t going well, though it has nothing to do with the job you are doing. Very shortly into the New Year, you will be informed that you are going to be laid off from your job. Fortunately, this does not happen, but it keeps you on pins and needles in fear that it will.
You will keep waiting for the year to get better and to turn around. You remind yourself of slow starts to 2003 and 2004 and how those years turned around to become two of the greatest years of your life. Yeah, that doesn’t happen. Every time you think things can’t get worse, they do.
Professionally
For your sake, I’m going to break up these bad things into a few different sections. Let’s start with your professional life. You honestly did a good job finishing up your first year at AAA, 11 of your 12 students will get to return to public school. However, that success puts you out of a job. You will not find out until August that you are laid off for the upcoming school year. You’re going to be scrambling to find something else. Shockingly, you actually get a few job interviews. You don’t wind up getting the job you wanted, but you’ll be offered a new job at a new school, which, given the circumstances, you accept.
That was a bad decision. You’ve never been a quitter; in fact, there are times you’ll be accused of hanging onto things for too long. But you cannot and will not succeed in areas that are designed for you to fail. This, sadly, will be one of those places. Your success at AAA is predicated on your ability to develop meaningful relationships with your students to create a family atmosphere. This school does not allow for that, and it does not require any modicum of self-control or discipline for the students. This isn’t going to work, and you’ll get out while you can.
After this, you will go back to AAA and work for free. That’s right. You are going to do much of what you did last year, but for no paycheck. Yes, it will be humbling. Deal with it. Good things and glamorous things are very rarely the same thing. Your patience and perseverance will pay off, as you will get your classroom back by Thanksgiving. You’re back to where you started, but it will take a circuitous route to get there.
Romantically
You might want to skip this part. 2013 will be THE most frustrating year for you in this regard. Some of it will be your fault, and some of it will not.
You’re going to break one of your own cardinal rules by pursuing a coworker. This is stupid. Don’t do it. You have nothing in common other than the fact you work together and are very popular with the kids. This will not end well. It does not end well. For every half step of progress you make, you will regress five steps. It’s an unnecessary distraction, and it’s something the kids will pick up on. The (very limited) rewards are not worth everything else. Don’t ever do this again.
JLJ will come back into your life. You two are each other’s boomerangs. This time, you think it’s finally going to happen… the long wait will finally end. Don’t be so naïve. Your assistant director will tell you, “Jakob, unfortunately the things we want and the things we need are two very different things. Sometimes, you’re just not meant to get what you want.” Though she wasn’t speaking about this particular situation, take those words to heart. Realize that as much as you care about her, the choices that she makes in life are ultimately hers. Love her through them, and do not be bitter if and when those choices do not end in your favor. Approach life with a surplus of hope and an absence of expectation.
You’re actually going to meet someone new in October. She’s pretty special. She’s a wrestling fan and a teacher too. Treat her well. Appreciate her, but also realize that the choices she will make are ultimately out of your control. Love and respect her through them, even if they do not result in favorable outcomes. Treat her well no matter what.
The Bitter Pills
You’re going to fall even more out of touch with the core group of friends you grew up with. In fact, the only one of them you will see this calendar year is Merrill. You can’t sit back and long for summer 2003, November 2004, or January 2009. You have to accept life for what it is and make the best of it. Stickam will shut down too, so you’ll lose that outlet for keeping in touch with people.
You’re going to deal with loss this year. Students you tutored, teachers you worked with, youth group peers, and very close family friends will all pass away this year. It doesn’t make sense to you, and it won’t make sense to you. If anything, let it be a lesson to you to treat everyone as if it might be the last time you ever see them. Appreciate everything.
You’re going to run another marathon. Unfortunately, the marathon occurs on a gravel trail after a torrential downpour on a 90 degree day. The poor conditions will result in you twisting your ankle around mile 16. You don’t quit, though. You will hobble those last 10 miles and cross that finish line.
The Silver Linings
I’d be remiss if I said the year was devoid of bright spots. Good things will happen. You’ll see concerts and WWE events. You’ll get a new tattoo on your birthday. You’ll see another Seahawks game (even though they’ll lose). You’ll actually get a medal in the only 5k race you’ll run all year.
Because of the frustration, you’ll actually start to lift weights at the gym instead of just doing cardio. Slowly but surely, you’ll get stronger and put on some muscle. You’re not quite where you want to be yet in that regard, but you’re getting closer.
You are going to finally get started on grad school. At this point, you only have a year left. The fears you have about being rusty will quickly subside.
Your sister is going to get married. That’s exciting. You’ll even give a pretty awesome speech at the reception!
Take these lessons with you. They’ll serve you well.
Nothing I have written can effectively prepare you for what is to come, but here are a few lessons to take with you to get you through this year and the future as well.
Work hard. Always do your best. Be a good example for the kids. Trust me, they watch EVERYTHING you do. Model good behavior for them. Let them know that nothing is below them. Humble yourself always.
Accept defeat with grace and humility. That does not mean to let things go with a whimper. Fight with everything you have until it’s over. When it is over, let it go and have a peace knowing that you did your best.
Finally, remember that not everything can be a clear-cut victory. Sometimes, survival is the victory. You have survived this year. You are stronger, and you have nowhere to go but up. I wish you the best, and most of all, I wish you peace.
All the best,
Jakob Duehr, 2013 Edition
Letter to Jakob Duehr: To be received December 31, 2012
Dear Jakob,
This is from you, 365 days into the future. Normally I wouldn’t write a reflective letter so close to the fact (we try to safeguard against recency bias), but I’m making an exception for you. You’re going to need it. Before you read this letter, I have one warning for you:
You’re not going to like this.
2013 is going to be the most challenging year of your life. I know you’ve had bad years before, but quite honestly, they pale in comparison. 2001? Child’s play. 2010? That’s a trip to the Riviera. This is even worse than 2005.
You accomplished a lot in 2012. Quite honestly, it was impressive, though tiring. You’re already going to feel a bit weary heading into 2013. This year is going to start off on a very poor note. Things at AAA aren’t going well, though it has nothing to do with the job you are doing. Very shortly into the New Year, you will be informed that you are going to be laid off from your job. Fortunately, this does not happen, but it keeps you on pins and needles in fear that it will.
You will keep waiting for the year to get better and to turn around. You remind yourself of slow starts to 2003 and 2004 and how those years turned around to become two of the greatest years of your life. Yeah, that doesn’t happen. Every time you think things can’t get worse, they do.
Professionally
For your sake, I’m going to break up these bad things into a few different sections. Let’s start with your professional life. You honestly did a good job finishing up your first year at AAA, 11 of your 12 students will get to return to public school. However, that success puts you out of a job. You will not find out until August that you are laid off for the upcoming school year. You’re going to be scrambling to find something else. Shockingly, you actually get a few job interviews. You don’t wind up getting the job you wanted, but you’ll be offered a new job at a new school, which, given the circumstances, you accept.
That was a bad decision. You’ve never been a quitter; in fact, there are times you’ll be accused of hanging onto things for too long. But you cannot and will not succeed in areas that are designed for you to fail. This, sadly, will be one of those places. Your success at AAA is predicated on your ability to develop meaningful relationships with your students to create a family atmosphere. This school does not allow for that, and it does not require any modicum of self-control or discipline for the students. This isn’t going to work, and you’ll get out while you can.
After this, you will go back to AAA and work for free. That’s right. You are going to do much of what you did last year, but for no paycheck. Yes, it will be humbling. Deal with it. Good things and glamorous things are very rarely the same thing. Your patience and perseverance will pay off, as you will get your classroom back by Thanksgiving. You’re back to where you started, but it will take a circuitous route to get there.
Romantically
You might want to skip this part. 2013 will be THE most frustrating year for you in this regard. Some of it will be your fault, and some of it will not.
You’re going to break one of your own cardinal rules by pursuing a coworker. This is stupid. Don’t do it. You have nothing in common other than the fact you work together and are very popular with the kids. This will not end well. It does not end well. For every half step of progress you make, you will regress five steps. It’s an unnecessary distraction, and it’s something the kids will pick up on. The (very limited) rewards are not worth everything else. Don’t ever do this again.
JLJ will come back into your life. You two are each other’s boomerangs. This time, you think it’s finally going to happen… the long wait will finally end. Don’t be so naïve. Your assistant director will tell you, “Jakob, unfortunately the things we want and the things we need are two very different things. Sometimes, you’re just not meant to get what you want.” Though she wasn’t speaking about this particular situation, take those words to heart. Realize that as much as you care about her, the choices that she makes in life are ultimately hers. Love her through them, and do not be bitter if and when those choices do not end in your favor. Approach life with a surplus of hope and an absence of expectation.
You’re actually going to meet someone new in October. She’s pretty special. She’s a wrestling fan and a teacher too. Treat her well. Appreciate her, but also realize that the choices she will make are ultimately out of your control. Love and respect her through them, even if they do not result in favorable outcomes. Treat her well no matter what.
The Bitter Pills
You’re going to fall even more out of touch with the core group of friends you grew up with. In fact, the only one of them you will see this calendar year is Merrill. You can’t sit back and long for summer 2003, November 2004, or January 2009. You have to accept life for what it is and make the best of it. Stickam will shut down too, so you’ll lose that outlet for keeping in touch with people.
You’re going to deal with loss this year. Students you tutored, teachers you worked with, youth group peers, and very close family friends will all pass away this year. It doesn’t make sense to you, and it won’t make sense to you. If anything, let it be a lesson to you to treat everyone as if it might be the last time you ever see them. Appreciate everything.
You’re going to run another marathon. Unfortunately, the marathon occurs on a gravel trail after a torrential downpour on a 90 degree day. The poor conditions will result in you twisting your ankle around mile 16. You don’t quit, though. You will hobble those last 10 miles and cross that finish line.
The Silver Linings
I’d be remiss if I said the year was devoid of bright spots. Good things will happen. You’ll see concerts and WWE events. You’ll get a new tattoo on your birthday. You’ll see another Seahawks game (even though they’ll lose). You’ll actually get a medal in the only 5k race you’ll run all year.
Because of the frustration, you’ll actually start to lift weights at the gym instead of just doing cardio. Slowly but surely, you’ll get stronger and put on some muscle. You’re not quite where you want to be yet in that regard, but you’re getting closer.
You are going to finally get started on grad school. At this point, you only have a year left. The fears you have about being rusty will quickly subside.
Your sister is going to get married. That’s exciting. You’ll even give a pretty awesome speech at the reception!
Take these lessons with you. They’ll serve you well.
Nothing I have written can effectively prepare you for what is to come, but here are a few lessons to take with you to get you through this year and the future as well.
Work hard. Always do your best. Be a good example for the kids. Trust me, they watch EVERYTHING you do. Model good behavior for them. Let them know that nothing is below them. Humble yourself always.
Accept defeat with grace and humility. That does not mean to let things go with a whimper. Fight with everything you have until it’s over. When it is over, let it go and have a peace knowing that you did your best.
Finally, remember that not everything can be a clear-cut victory. Sometimes, survival is the victory. You have survived this year. You are stronger, and you have nowhere to go but up. I wish you the best, and most of all, I wish you peace.
All the best,
Jakob Duehr, 2013 Edition
Monday, December 23, 2013
2013 in List Form
2013 was… something. It was an absolutely great year for music, as you will see that my lists are beefed up more than in years. My love for the Seahawks increased (as if that was even possible), and television pretty much maintained the status quo. While 2013 was not quite like 2012 in the “doing amazing things” category, I still accomplished a few things that I am excited to share with you. Be prepared for my more detailed “Year in Review” post next week.
As I post every year, everything is ranked by my arbitrary personal preference. I don’t consider myself to be an expert (or even semi-expert… yay 13 year old inside jokes) for any of these things, but I do like what I like. This just gives you a better glimpse into the things that I do like.
Songs
1. The Dangerous Summer – Miles Apart
2. Broadway Calls – Lucky Lighter
3. We Came as Romans – I Survive
4. Alkaline Trio – I’m Only Here to Disappoint
5. State of Drama – Fighter
6. Mayday Parade – Girls
7. A Day to Remember – I Remember
8. Simple Plan – Ordinary Life
9. The Story So Far – Small Talk
10. A Great Big World – This Is the New Year
11. New Found Glory – Connect the Dots
12. The Fold - Love
13. Spoken – Through It All
14. My Chemical Romance – The World Is Ugly
15. FORA – Let Them Say
16. A Loss for Words – Eclipsed
17. Ellie Goulding – Burn
18. The Wonder Years – Passing Through a Screen Door
19. The Summer Set – Someday
20. The National – Heavenfaced
New Albums
1. A Day to Remember – Common Courtesy
2. The Dangerous Summer – Golden Record
3. Mayday Parade – Monsters in the Closet
4. Alkaline Trio – My Shame Is True
5. A Loss for Words – Before It Caves
6. Better Luck Next Time – We’ll Take It From Here
7. Forever the Sickest Kids – J.A.C.K.
8. State Champs – The Finer Things
9. We Came as Romans – Tracing Back Roots
10. New Years Day – Victim to Villain
Cover/Re-imagined/Specialty Albums
1. Yellowcard – Ocean Avenue Acoustic
2. New Found Glory – Kill it Live
3. Story of the Year – Page Avenue: 10 Years and Counting
4. Gavin Mikhail – Stubborn Love…
5. Rise Against – Long Forgotten Songs: B-Sides & Covers 2000-2013
6. Various Artists – The Songs of Tony Sly: A Tribute
7. Anberlin – Devotion
8. Scott Krippayne – Hymns
9. My Chemical Romance – Conventional Weapons
10. New Found Glory – Mania
TV Shows
1. NCIS
2. NCIS: Los Angeles
3. Burn Notice
4. Psych
5. White Collar
Sports Moments
1. Seahawks dismantle 49ers on Sunday Night Football
2. Dolph Ziggler wins World Heavyweight Championship
3. Seahawks defeat Redskins to win first road playoff game in nearly 30 years
4. Blackhawks win Stanley Cup
5. Attending WWE Payback
Places to Eat
1. Granite City
2. The Grand Buffet
3. Qdoba (RIP in Chicagoland)
4. Pepe’s
5. Noodles & Company
Personal Moments
1. Attending Seahawks vs. Colts, October 6
2. Finishing 6th place overall at a 5k race, September 21
3. Attending WWE Payback, June 16
4. Starting grad school, July 15
5. Birthday and new tattoo, April 4
6. Completing my second marathon, June 22
7. Completing my first year of teaching, June 3
8. Standing in my sister’s wedding, August 31
9. Trip to Grand Rapids with the family, January 12
10. Portillo’s with Merrill and Aldo, June 3
As I post every year, everything is ranked by my arbitrary personal preference. I don’t consider myself to be an expert (or even semi-expert… yay 13 year old inside jokes) for any of these things, but I do like what I like. This just gives you a better glimpse into the things that I do like.
Songs
1. The Dangerous Summer – Miles Apart
2. Broadway Calls – Lucky Lighter
3. We Came as Romans – I Survive
4. Alkaline Trio – I’m Only Here to Disappoint
5. State of Drama – Fighter
6. Mayday Parade – Girls
7. A Day to Remember – I Remember
8. Simple Plan – Ordinary Life
9. The Story So Far – Small Talk
10. A Great Big World – This Is the New Year
11. New Found Glory – Connect the Dots
12. The Fold - Love
13. Spoken – Through It All
14. My Chemical Romance – The World Is Ugly
15. FORA – Let Them Say
16. A Loss for Words – Eclipsed
17. Ellie Goulding – Burn
18. The Wonder Years – Passing Through a Screen Door
19. The Summer Set – Someday
20. The National – Heavenfaced
New Albums
1. A Day to Remember – Common Courtesy
2. The Dangerous Summer – Golden Record
3. Mayday Parade – Monsters in the Closet
4. Alkaline Trio – My Shame Is True
5. A Loss for Words – Before It Caves
6. Better Luck Next Time – We’ll Take It From Here
7. Forever the Sickest Kids – J.A.C.K.
8. State Champs – The Finer Things
9. We Came as Romans – Tracing Back Roots
10. New Years Day – Victim to Villain
Cover/Re-imagined/Specialty Albums
1. Yellowcard – Ocean Avenue Acoustic
2. New Found Glory – Kill it Live
3. Story of the Year – Page Avenue: 10 Years and Counting
4. Gavin Mikhail – Stubborn Love…
5. Rise Against – Long Forgotten Songs: B-Sides & Covers 2000-2013
6. Various Artists – The Songs of Tony Sly: A Tribute
7. Anberlin – Devotion
8. Scott Krippayne – Hymns
9. My Chemical Romance – Conventional Weapons
10. New Found Glory – Mania
TV Shows
1. NCIS
2. NCIS: Los Angeles
3. Burn Notice
4. Psych
5. White Collar
Sports Moments
1. Seahawks dismantle 49ers on Sunday Night Football
2. Dolph Ziggler wins World Heavyweight Championship
3. Seahawks defeat Redskins to win first road playoff game in nearly 30 years
4. Blackhawks win Stanley Cup
5. Attending WWE Payback
Places to Eat
1. Granite City
2. The Grand Buffet
3. Qdoba (RIP in Chicagoland)
4. Pepe’s
5. Noodles & Company
Personal Moments
1. Attending Seahawks vs. Colts, October 6
2. Finishing 6th place overall at a 5k race, September 21
3. Attending WWE Payback, June 16
4. Starting grad school, July 15
5. Birthday and new tattoo, April 4
6. Completing my second marathon, June 22
7. Completing my first year of teaching, June 3
8. Standing in my sister’s wedding, August 31
9. Trip to Grand Rapids with the family, January 12
10. Portillo’s with Merrill and Aldo, June 3
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
On the Grateful Lifestyle and Its Challenges
It’s not always easy to take the time to truly reflect and feel grateful for the things we have. Our government has given us the fourth Thursday of November to celebrate life’s blessings, but true gratitude should be an ongoing lifestyle choice. I will be the first to tell you that I do not do this, but I also know that I am not alone in that. Often, our sense of ingratitude is derived from one of two sources.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
Deep down, there is a little Veruca Salt in all of us. We want what we want, and we want it now. We have goals and desires, and we are so singularly focused on them that anything less than those things is considered a massive disappointment. In and of itself, that is not a bad thing. It is good to aspire to new heights. It safeguards against complacency. But in being so single-minded, we lose sight of two things. One, we do not take joy in our journeys. Our desire for instant gratification can be a detriment. Successes are sweeter after failures, and the most satisfying successes take time and effort. If we always got everything we wanted as soon as we wanted it, we would quickly become numb to success. Success is a blessing and should be treated as such. Second, our desires can often outweigh our common sense. I will never forget when one of my bosses told me “Mr. Duehr, the things we want are often the things we should not have.” We sometimes get so disappointed by the fact that our lives do not meet the ideals we have set for them that we ignore the fact that many of those ideals are not the best things for us, and we neglect to acknowledge the good things we do have.
“And I still love the things I lost that brought me here…”
Perhaps my greatest barrier to a grateful lifestyle is the memory of what used to be. I have a hard time getting past the things I have lost. I’ve often been guilty of living in the past; this much I admit. It is difficult enjoy the present when the present seems inferior to the past. I would give almost anything to alter the course of 2013. I miss how my job once was. I miss having my friends around. I miss the hope that certain relationships once brought. But time has created separation between myself and those things. I know I can’t be the only one who struggles with that, but it’s not healthy. The past was great. Cherish it. But be thankful for the present and hopeful for the future.
“You know what the secret to happiness is? Wanting what you have.”
I used the above quote in my Thanksgiving 2011 post, and I like it so much that I decided to use it again. I spend too much too much time thinking about what I used to have or never will have that I lose sight of what I do have. My needs are covered. After a rocky few months, I have returned to full time employment and teaching my own class. I may not see my friends often anymore, but I still have people who genuinely care about me and want to see me prosper. I am mindful of the fact that I do still have goals and aspirations and am still on the road to where I want to be, but I am thankful for the progress I have made. This year has been far from easy, but I truly believe that by being mindful of the blessings I have been afforded, things will seem more hopeful. While none of us live in perfection, we do have a lot to be thankful for. It’s time to actively take notice.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Richards Revisited
I spend a lot of time thinking about the cyclical nature of life. When things are particularly rough (as they have been this year), I am quick to remind myself that things will come around. Conversely, I really try to find enjoyment in the good times, fleeting as they may be. Some periods of our lives seem better or worse in hindsight, as recency bias fades away. However, the most special times of our lives are just as amazing now as they seemed at the time. My time at Richards was one of those times. Since today marks five years to the day of my last day there as a student teacher, I figure that recency bias has worn off enough to objectively write about my time there.
Most people do not know that I wasn’t actually supposed to do my student teaching at Richards. I was set for placement at Lincoln-Way East High School when I found out in spring that they had terminated their contracts with all student teachers for that school year. Some of my former high school administrators and teachers tried to pull some strings to get me at Tinley Park High School, but they were overruled by district personnel. It was not until mid-summer that I found out I was going to complete my student teaching at Harold L. Richards High School. The superintendent of my high school district (who was my former associate principal) had a close relationship with the coordinator of social studies for District 218, and he put in a good word for me. By the beginning of July, my placement was finally set, and I was good to go.
I was given three World History and two Honors United States History courses and the opportunity to learn under Mr. Montes. Montes was a sharp guy. While I was used to teachers who pretty much only taught one way (lecture style), Montes varied his lessons a lot. There were the traditional lessons at times, but he was a huge proponent of experiential learning. Seeing those types of lessons really opened the floodgates for me in terms of broadening my horizons and becoming more innovative as a teacher (skills I would definitely need at AAA Academy).
Fortunately, I was able to observe under him for two weeks before taking over any of the classes myself. Quite honestly, I was scared to death of the kids. I was never the most confident guy in the world to that point, and the idea of being a 21 year old teaching 16 and 17 year old kids was daunting, to say the least. Those first two weeks I wanted to just crawl into a corner and hide. The kids later (mostly) jokingly referred to me as “the creepy guy in the back” during that period.
Something crazy happened once I started to teach. I actually started to get comfortable. Instead of trying to be Montes Jr. I decided to be me, or “Mr. D.”, as my student aide called me (which stuck). I taught the lessons, but I tried to make connections in ways that hopefully resonated with my audience. Lame jokes and pop culture references abounded, and we even had “Techno Tuesday” in my first period class.
I was able to quickly develop good relationships with a significant percentage of my 125 students. I think we were able to connect so quickly because of how close we were in age. I understood and had a lot of patience with them because I was not all that far removed from being in that stage of life myself. I couldn’t get through the hallways in any sort of reasonable time because of how often I’d get stopped by kids. I never found my seat at the football games because I’d be engaged in all sorts of fun conversations. For one of the first times in my life, I really felt like I belonged.
Now that I’m a bit older and well-removed from my time there, I can admit that I was far from perfect during my time there. As a student teacher (and even during your career as a full-time teacher), you are learning on the fly. Perfection is not a reasonable goal; progress is. A lot of it stemmed from the fact that I was becoming popular with the kids. Popularity breeds a false sense of accomplishment and an inflated sense of your abilities. Too often, I wanted to be their friends and be one of those “cool” teachers. I never should have accepted their MySpace or Facebook friend requests until they were out of high school. Put bluntly, I was a young kid who thought I knew everything. I didn’t always take advice well. Most of the time, I would ignore it. My preparation was never an issue, but my classroom management often was. I was far too laid back, and in turn was far too lax with the students. Because I liked them so much, I wanted to see them succeed, and I wasn’t firm enough with them. Deadlines often got extended. Our class was far too loud. One student was so comfortable with me that he brought a roll of pennies to hurl at a freshman. I wasn’t all that good at keeping ahead of the procedural paper trail, but I learned from that by the time I moved on to my full-time gig.
Not all students liked me, either, but that comes with the territory. I am the only teacher I know that has received a hate message in a bottle from a student. It was an extreme measure, but it was not entirely uncalled for. He felt that I did not do enough to keep some of the other students from bothering him. I felt that he was an agitator to them. The reality was somewhere in between.
The lessons were fun. I’ll never forget the token trading activity we did during the Ancient African unit, nor will I forget breaking up the class into different city-states for our version of the Greek Olympics. The kids were engaged, and for many of them, I was able to see definite progress.
Montes and I differed in our methods of dealing with students. I did not always agree, but he was the veteran and I was the rookie, and he truly did know better. Though Montes and I fell out of touch immediately after student teaching, he and Mr. Gavin (another social studies teacher and former student teacher of Montes) were invaluable as mentors to me during that time. It upsets me that I never got to thank Mr. Gavin for looking out for me before he died. I don’t want the same to happen with Montes.
I only spent 62 days at Richards High School, but I have a lifetime of memories. I could probably fill up another five blog posts detailing them. From the botched disaster drill to that Civil War role-playing activity that went horribly wrong to Lyons passing gas in a fan to Babalou singing inappropriate song lyrics during class to Connect Four tournaments to the guy in fifth period cutting his long blond hair into a purple Mohawk because I sarcastically said I’d give him extra credit for it, some of my finest memories occurred in that classroom.
There are two things I was able to take from Richards that value more than most things in my life. First, I learned how to really be an effective teacher. It took me a while to put the pieces together, but Montes and Gavin gave the tools and had patience with me when I didn’t get things right. My mistakes refined me, and I have succeeded as a teacher since because I was given that opportunity to rise and fall on my own merits. The other thing I was able to take was the number of former students I still consider friends to this day. I feel like I learned more from some of them than they ever learned from me. I still keep a letter from one of those students in my car to read whenever I am having a particularly hard day on the job. Now that they are in their early twenties and I’m in my mid-twenties, we really seem like peers. I am so proud of so many of them, and I am constantly excited to see where their roads are going to take them.
To Montes, thank you. To you unfortunate 125 kids who had to be my guinea pigs for 12 weeks, thank you. Because of you, I am who I am today. I’m not the creepy guy in the back anymore. I have confidence in my abilities, and I have been able to grow in those abilities. My time with you was one of the most exciting and enjoyable periods of my life. I hope my time with you was a fraction as meaningful to you as it was to me.
Most people do not know that I wasn’t actually supposed to do my student teaching at Richards. I was set for placement at Lincoln-Way East High School when I found out in spring that they had terminated their contracts with all student teachers for that school year. Some of my former high school administrators and teachers tried to pull some strings to get me at Tinley Park High School, but they were overruled by district personnel. It was not until mid-summer that I found out I was going to complete my student teaching at Harold L. Richards High School. The superintendent of my high school district (who was my former associate principal) had a close relationship with the coordinator of social studies for District 218, and he put in a good word for me. By the beginning of July, my placement was finally set, and I was good to go.
I was given three World History and two Honors United States History courses and the opportunity to learn under Mr. Montes. Montes was a sharp guy. While I was used to teachers who pretty much only taught one way (lecture style), Montes varied his lessons a lot. There were the traditional lessons at times, but he was a huge proponent of experiential learning. Seeing those types of lessons really opened the floodgates for me in terms of broadening my horizons and becoming more innovative as a teacher (skills I would definitely need at AAA Academy).
Fortunately, I was able to observe under him for two weeks before taking over any of the classes myself. Quite honestly, I was scared to death of the kids. I was never the most confident guy in the world to that point, and the idea of being a 21 year old teaching 16 and 17 year old kids was daunting, to say the least. Those first two weeks I wanted to just crawl into a corner and hide. The kids later (mostly) jokingly referred to me as “the creepy guy in the back” during that period.
Something crazy happened once I started to teach. I actually started to get comfortable. Instead of trying to be Montes Jr. I decided to be me, or “Mr. D.”, as my student aide called me (which stuck). I taught the lessons, but I tried to make connections in ways that hopefully resonated with my audience. Lame jokes and pop culture references abounded, and we even had “Techno Tuesday” in my first period class.
I was able to quickly develop good relationships with a significant percentage of my 125 students. I think we were able to connect so quickly because of how close we were in age. I understood and had a lot of patience with them because I was not all that far removed from being in that stage of life myself. I couldn’t get through the hallways in any sort of reasonable time because of how often I’d get stopped by kids. I never found my seat at the football games because I’d be engaged in all sorts of fun conversations. For one of the first times in my life, I really felt like I belonged.
Now that I’m a bit older and well-removed from my time there, I can admit that I was far from perfect during my time there. As a student teacher (and even during your career as a full-time teacher), you are learning on the fly. Perfection is not a reasonable goal; progress is. A lot of it stemmed from the fact that I was becoming popular with the kids. Popularity breeds a false sense of accomplishment and an inflated sense of your abilities. Too often, I wanted to be their friends and be one of those “cool” teachers. I never should have accepted their MySpace or Facebook friend requests until they were out of high school. Put bluntly, I was a young kid who thought I knew everything. I didn’t always take advice well. Most of the time, I would ignore it. My preparation was never an issue, but my classroom management often was. I was far too laid back, and in turn was far too lax with the students. Because I liked them so much, I wanted to see them succeed, and I wasn’t firm enough with them. Deadlines often got extended. Our class was far too loud. One student was so comfortable with me that he brought a roll of pennies to hurl at a freshman. I wasn’t all that good at keeping ahead of the procedural paper trail, but I learned from that by the time I moved on to my full-time gig.
Not all students liked me, either, but that comes with the territory. I am the only teacher I know that has received a hate message in a bottle from a student. It was an extreme measure, but it was not entirely uncalled for. He felt that I did not do enough to keep some of the other students from bothering him. I felt that he was an agitator to them. The reality was somewhere in between.
The lessons were fun. I’ll never forget the token trading activity we did during the Ancient African unit, nor will I forget breaking up the class into different city-states for our version of the Greek Olympics. The kids were engaged, and for many of them, I was able to see definite progress.
Montes and I differed in our methods of dealing with students. I did not always agree, but he was the veteran and I was the rookie, and he truly did know better. Though Montes and I fell out of touch immediately after student teaching, he and Mr. Gavin (another social studies teacher and former student teacher of Montes) were invaluable as mentors to me during that time. It upsets me that I never got to thank Mr. Gavin for looking out for me before he died. I don’t want the same to happen with Montes.
I only spent 62 days at Richards High School, but I have a lifetime of memories. I could probably fill up another five blog posts detailing them. From the botched disaster drill to that Civil War role-playing activity that went horribly wrong to Lyons passing gas in a fan to Babalou singing inappropriate song lyrics during class to Connect Four tournaments to the guy in fifth period cutting his long blond hair into a purple Mohawk because I sarcastically said I’d give him extra credit for it, some of my finest memories occurred in that classroom.
There are two things I was able to take from Richards that value more than most things in my life. First, I learned how to really be an effective teacher. It took me a while to put the pieces together, but Montes and Gavin gave the tools and had patience with me when I didn’t get things right. My mistakes refined me, and I have succeeded as a teacher since because I was given that opportunity to rise and fall on my own merits. The other thing I was able to take was the number of former students I still consider friends to this day. I feel like I learned more from some of them than they ever learned from me. I still keep a letter from one of those students in my car to read whenever I am having a particularly hard day on the job. Now that they are in their early twenties and I’m in my mid-twenties, we really seem like peers. I am so proud of so many of them, and I am constantly excited to see where their roads are going to take them.
To Montes, thank you. To you unfortunate 125 kids who had to be my guinea pigs for 12 weeks, thank you. Because of you, I am who I am today. I’m not the creepy guy in the back anymore. I have confidence in my abilities, and I have been able to grow in those abilities. My time with you was one of the most exciting and enjoyable periods of my life. I hope my time with you was a fraction as meaningful to you as it was to me.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
The Problem of Caring
Confession time: I have often preached balance, both in conversations and on my blog, but I am pretty bad at it. Actually, “pretty bad” is far too kind. I am miserably imbalanced in some areas. Particularly, I have an issue when it comes to caring.
When I get an idea in my head, I devote nearly all my time and energy to it. In some cases, this can be a good thing. Some of my greatest accomplishments can be attributed to the relentless pursuit I made toward my goals. I was able to lose significant amounts of weight twice and run two marathons. My drive got me there.
However, I am learning that it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, the more I care, the more I press. When I was in high school, my #1 goal was to receive a full scholarship to college. Since my athletic skills were decent but not elite, I knew that a scholarship would have to come as a result of my academic abilities. My school of choice (and eventual alma mater) awarded full scholarships with a composite ACT score of 34. I studied my rear off for that. I worked and worked and took the test a number of times. I got a 33.25. I missed by one question.
Years later, I worked as a tutor and ACT instructor at a learning center. In order to become an ACT instructor at the center, I had to take the ACT all over again. At least I was told I had to; as time went on, I began to believe that they only made me take the test to see how “smart” I actually was. I really didn’t care how I did. There was no stress on me at all. I got a 35.
My greatest exhibition of imbalance comes in my relationships with the opposite sex. Things are usually great with someone before I realize I have a romantic interest in them. Once I come to that realization, I usually bring about my own death knell. I do too much. I try too hard. It’s not pretty, and honestly, it doesn’t work. In my younger days, it usually led to a major blowup between me and the object of my affection culminating in me being told off.
What scares me sometimes is the success I have in things when I no longer care about them. As I said before, I did better on the ACT when there was no pressure on me. The same people who blow up at me generally tend to change their opinion of me when I no longer give a care about them. As long as I don’t reciprocate their care, things are alright. Once the care returns, the cycle continues.
This presents a problem. Obviously, caring about something signifies that we desire success in that area. Once we want something, we start to care about it. That is natural. It would be odd if we did not care about the things we wanted and cared about the things we did want.
So, can the problem of caring be solved? I think so, to an extent. I can’t always change what I care about, but I can do my best to limit the pressure I put on myself when I do start to care about something. I cannot put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Sometimes I spend so much time worrying about failure that I do not put myself in a position to succeed. Failure happens, and success takes time. Balance is out there. Maybe I’ll find it someday. Maybe.
When I get an idea in my head, I devote nearly all my time and energy to it. In some cases, this can be a good thing. Some of my greatest accomplishments can be attributed to the relentless pursuit I made toward my goals. I was able to lose significant amounts of weight twice and run two marathons. My drive got me there.
However, I am learning that it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, the more I care, the more I press. When I was in high school, my #1 goal was to receive a full scholarship to college. Since my athletic skills were decent but not elite, I knew that a scholarship would have to come as a result of my academic abilities. My school of choice (and eventual alma mater) awarded full scholarships with a composite ACT score of 34. I studied my rear off for that. I worked and worked and took the test a number of times. I got a 33.25. I missed by one question.
Years later, I worked as a tutor and ACT instructor at a learning center. In order to become an ACT instructor at the center, I had to take the ACT all over again. At least I was told I had to; as time went on, I began to believe that they only made me take the test to see how “smart” I actually was. I really didn’t care how I did. There was no stress on me at all. I got a 35.
My greatest exhibition of imbalance comes in my relationships with the opposite sex. Things are usually great with someone before I realize I have a romantic interest in them. Once I come to that realization, I usually bring about my own death knell. I do too much. I try too hard. It’s not pretty, and honestly, it doesn’t work. In my younger days, it usually led to a major blowup between me and the object of my affection culminating in me being told off.
What scares me sometimes is the success I have in things when I no longer care about them. As I said before, I did better on the ACT when there was no pressure on me. The same people who blow up at me generally tend to change their opinion of me when I no longer give a care about them. As long as I don’t reciprocate their care, things are alright. Once the care returns, the cycle continues.
This presents a problem. Obviously, caring about something signifies that we desire success in that area. Once we want something, we start to care about it. That is natural. It would be odd if we did not care about the things we wanted and cared about the things we did want.
So, can the problem of caring be solved? I think so, to an extent. I can’t always change what I care about, but I can do my best to limit the pressure I put on myself when I do start to care about something. I cannot put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Sometimes I spend so much time worrying about failure that I do not put myself in a position to succeed. Failure happens, and success takes time. Balance is out there. Maybe I’ll find it someday. Maybe.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
So You Really Want to Know How I've Been?
This is the post I never really wanted to write. However, it is significantly more convenient to write this than have to tell the same stories three dozen times. Since the middle of August, my life has been an absolute roller coaster. Scratch that. It has felt more like a bottomless pit. Every time I think that I have reached the bottom, I find I still have a bit more tumbling to do.
It started in the middle of August. I had not yet received my assignment for the following school year. I honestly didn’t think anything of it, as the school often flies by the seat of its pants and very little is ever known in advance. The social worker had texted me to get my input on a project, so I was feeling good about things. A few days later, I received my official notice that I had to report the following week for teacher orientation.
When we arrived at orientation, we were informed by the school’s director that decreases in both enrollment and public funding had led to the staff size getting drastically cut. Two days before the school year was supposed to begin, a sizable number of teachers were informed that they would be laid off. Unfortunately, I was one of these teachers. We were all still expected to come the next day for orientation, and the social worker and I wound up giving a killer presentation (despite the fact that I no longer was an active member of the staff).
Because the ax dropped so close to the beginning of the school year, I was in a bind concerning what to do. I had a great relationship with the staff and students, so I offered to volunteer in the afternoons to maintain a presence at the school. The school was more than willing to accept my free labor. In the meantime I applied for the few jobs that were available, thinking nothing of it considering how competitive the job market has been. To my surprise, my year of experience made me instantly more attractive. I received interviews at three schools: two public junior high schools and one alternative high school.
The first interview at a public school did not go as well as I would have liked. They utilized a number of specific programs that I did not have experience using, and I did not get that job. The interview went well with the alternative high school, and I was offered the job. Shortly after that, I had to meet with a high-ranking district administrator, and she and I seemed to have some philosophical differences concerning education and classroom management. After meeting with her, I was unsure whether or not I still had the position, so I interviewed with the other junior high (where two of my students from last school year happen to attend). The interview went well, and the superintendent called me to come in to discuss the position.
I was very excited to meet with the superintendent, and from our conversation on the phone I was led to believe that he was going to offer me the position. It was not until midway through our face to face conversation that I discovered that I was merely a finalist for the position. A few days later I found out that he decided to go with the other finalist. I was more than a bit miffed at being misled, but I was not bitter.
At this point, I decided to accept the teaching position at the alternative high school and was given a start date. I hoped that the transition would be smooth. It was not. I was thrown into the fire. When I interviewed for the position (Social Studies Teacher), I was told that I would be responsible for teaching four social studies classes. What I was not told was that I had to teach a social skills class as well as a speech class. Curricula for those courses were nonexistent, and they had no teacher’s editions for any of the social studies books. If I wanted worksheets, I had to seek out the one teacher in the building who was the “keeper of the worksheets”, and he would only give me what I needed for that week. It was virtually impossible to plan far in advance.
I could have gotten past those challenges, as I came from a school that is severely lacking in resources. I had a much harder time getting past the school’s rules, or lack thereof. Put simply, students were not held accountable for their behavior. They were allowed to curse out teachers without repercussions. Teachers were encouraged to either drop “f-bombs” back at their students or just ignore them. Punishing them was out of the question. Students were allowed to get up out of their seat without permission and could leave the classroom without the teacher stopping them. Students would get up during a lesson to go to the computers to check their Facebook. The style that brought me success at Richards, all the Orland schools, Huntington, and AAA Academy got me nothing but threats.
I quickly learned that the only way the students would do my lessons were if I didn’t give them lessons that I put any effort into. They would only do worksheets. No lectures, no discussions, and no experiential learning. I was told by a colleague that I should just “be happy that they’re showing up.” Call me a malcontent, but that was not enough for me. I tried to establish rules in my classroom, but I was met with resistance from students and staff. I was told that I could not command respect simply because I was the teacher. I had to “earn” their respect, and that I could earn this respect by letting some things slide. Again, not how I do things.
When I was at AAA Academy, I was blessed to maintain great relationships with the three individuals who assisted and/or co-taught with me in my classroom. I was not blessed with a similar relationship with my assistant at this school. The first thing she told me was how hard of a time I would have measuring up to my predecessor. She constantly questioned my apparently “strict” management techniques and even went as far to question the actual pedagogy of one of my lessons, despite not having any sort of formal educational training. Support was nonexistent.
I had to make the choice of sanity vs. salary. I chose sanity. I was not sleeping well. I felt like there was no way to improve the situation. I voiced my concerns daily with administration and was told that I would “get used to it”. I had no desire to get used to it. I took a leap of faith and walked away. Some of you may call me a quitter for that. That is your prerogative, but I think my track record in terms of relentless persistence speaks for itself. I had to make the decision that was best for me.
I decided to return to AAA Academy as a volunteer with hopes that enrollment will increase so I can resume my career there. A lot of people may not understand how or why I would do that, but for me, it’s good to be home.
Other things have happened the past month. My sister had a wedding and I gave a pretty good speech if I do say so myself (and I do). My only regret from the wedding was that the one person I wanted to take to the wedding could not be there with me, and I don’t know if she ever will be with me at any event like that. I am on the verge of finishing my second graduate school course with a 99%. Football is back, and my Seahawks are all sorts of amazing. I ran a 5k race and finished 6th out of 200 runners. The very person who cursed me out worse than anyone ever has back in May became one of my biggest supporters by August, and we enjoyed a nice little mini-lunch date with one another (though things went back to being a bit inconsistent after that).
I have been living in crazy times. Quite honestly, I’m drained. I’m exhausted, and I’m discouraged. I try to stay positive, but I’m beaten down. At this point, I hope I’ve reached the bottom of the pit and there’s no place to go but up. For those of you who have been there for me through all this, I can’t begin to express my gratitude. I’ll survive. I always do.
It started in the middle of August. I had not yet received my assignment for the following school year. I honestly didn’t think anything of it, as the school often flies by the seat of its pants and very little is ever known in advance. The social worker had texted me to get my input on a project, so I was feeling good about things. A few days later, I received my official notice that I had to report the following week for teacher orientation.
When we arrived at orientation, we were informed by the school’s director that decreases in both enrollment and public funding had led to the staff size getting drastically cut. Two days before the school year was supposed to begin, a sizable number of teachers were informed that they would be laid off. Unfortunately, I was one of these teachers. We were all still expected to come the next day for orientation, and the social worker and I wound up giving a killer presentation (despite the fact that I no longer was an active member of the staff).
Because the ax dropped so close to the beginning of the school year, I was in a bind concerning what to do. I had a great relationship with the staff and students, so I offered to volunteer in the afternoons to maintain a presence at the school. The school was more than willing to accept my free labor. In the meantime I applied for the few jobs that were available, thinking nothing of it considering how competitive the job market has been. To my surprise, my year of experience made me instantly more attractive. I received interviews at three schools: two public junior high schools and one alternative high school.
The first interview at a public school did not go as well as I would have liked. They utilized a number of specific programs that I did not have experience using, and I did not get that job. The interview went well with the alternative high school, and I was offered the job. Shortly after that, I had to meet with a high-ranking district administrator, and she and I seemed to have some philosophical differences concerning education and classroom management. After meeting with her, I was unsure whether or not I still had the position, so I interviewed with the other junior high (where two of my students from last school year happen to attend). The interview went well, and the superintendent called me to come in to discuss the position.
I was very excited to meet with the superintendent, and from our conversation on the phone I was led to believe that he was going to offer me the position. It was not until midway through our face to face conversation that I discovered that I was merely a finalist for the position. A few days later I found out that he decided to go with the other finalist. I was more than a bit miffed at being misled, but I was not bitter.
At this point, I decided to accept the teaching position at the alternative high school and was given a start date. I hoped that the transition would be smooth. It was not. I was thrown into the fire. When I interviewed for the position (Social Studies Teacher), I was told that I would be responsible for teaching four social studies classes. What I was not told was that I had to teach a social skills class as well as a speech class. Curricula for those courses were nonexistent, and they had no teacher’s editions for any of the social studies books. If I wanted worksheets, I had to seek out the one teacher in the building who was the “keeper of the worksheets”, and he would only give me what I needed for that week. It was virtually impossible to plan far in advance.
I could have gotten past those challenges, as I came from a school that is severely lacking in resources. I had a much harder time getting past the school’s rules, or lack thereof. Put simply, students were not held accountable for their behavior. They were allowed to curse out teachers without repercussions. Teachers were encouraged to either drop “f-bombs” back at their students or just ignore them. Punishing them was out of the question. Students were allowed to get up out of their seat without permission and could leave the classroom without the teacher stopping them. Students would get up during a lesson to go to the computers to check their Facebook. The style that brought me success at Richards, all the Orland schools, Huntington, and AAA Academy got me nothing but threats.
I quickly learned that the only way the students would do my lessons were if I didn’t give them lessons that I put any effort into. They would only do worksheets. No lectures, no discussions, and no experiential learning. I was told by a colleague that I should just “be happy that they’re showing up.” Call me a malcontent, but that was not enough for me. I tried to establish rules in my classroom, but I was met with resistance from students and staff. I was told that I could not command respect simply because I was the teacher. I had to “earn” their respect, and that I could earn this respect by letting some things slide. Again, not how I do things.
When I was at AAA Academy, I was blessed to maintain great relationships with the three individuals who assisted and/or co-taught with me in my classroom. I was not blessed with a similar relationship with my assistant at this school. The first thing she told me was how hard of a time I would have measuring up to my predecessor. She constantly questioned my apparently “strict” management techniques and even went as far to question the actual pedagogy of one of my lessons, despite not having any sort of formal educational training. Support was nonexistent.
I had to make the choice of sanity vs. salary. I chose sanity. I was not sleeping well. I felt like there was no way to improve the situation. I voiced my concerns daily with administration and was told that I would “get used to it”. I had no desire to get used to it. I took a leap of faith and walked away. Some of you may call me a quitter for that. That is your prerogative, but I think my track record in terms of relentless persistence speaks for itself. I had to make the decision that was best for me.
I decided to return to AAA Academy as a volunteer with hopes that enrollment will increase so I can resume my career there. A lot of people may not understand how or why I would do that, but for me, it’s good to be home.
Other things have happened the past month. My sister had a wedding and I gave a pretty good speech if I do say so myself (and I do). My only regret from the wedding was that the one person I wanted to take to the wedding could not be there with me, and I don’t know if she ever will be with me at any event like that. I am on the verge of finishing my second graduate school course with a 99%. Football is back, and my Seahawks are all sorts of amazing. I ran a 5k race and finished 6th out of 200 runners. The very person who cursed me out worse than anyone ever has back in May became one of my biggest supporters by August, and we enjoyed a nice little mini-lunch date with one another (though things went back to being a bit inconsistent after that).
I have been living in crazy times. Quite honestly, I’m drained. I’m exhausted, and I’m discouraged. I try to stay positive, but I’m beaten down. At this point, I hope I’ve reached the bottom of the pit and there’s no place to go but up. For those of you who have been there for me through all this, I can’t begin to express my gratitude. I’ll survive. I always do.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
A Letter to My 18 Year Old Self
A while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is the fourth and finall installment in the series.
Letter to Jakob Duehr: To be received August 29, 2005
Dear Jakob,
You have made it through the most difficult summer of your life to date. I know how miserable things have been, and I know you've felt it was your responsibility to hold things together as everything fell apart around you. All things considered, you did a good job, and you're a good kid.
Tomorrow starts the next chapter in your life. Things are going to change like crazy the next few years. You are going to start college, and the day after that, you are going to start your very first job. By the time September 2007 rolls around, you won't even be living in Tinley Park anymore! It's not going to be easy. You are going to have to work harder than you've ever worked before, and you are going to have to do it without your friends. Believe me when I tell you this: it gets better. Your first semester of college will be your toughest semester by far. The workload won't be an issue. You've always been a bright kid. But balancing school work with your job will be tough. Many Sunday nights you will not get home from work until 2:15. Then you'll get up for school at 5:30. You'll get 3 A's and 2 B+'s this semester. That will actually be the worst semester you have for all of college.
Let's talk a little about your time at Target. You will always realize that your time there was never meant to be long-term. At times, that will affect your work ethic. I wish I could say that you gave it your all at all times, but you didn't really put it together unless you felt particularly motivated. You'll bounce from department to department until you finally end up on a team with other like-minded people. After that first semester, you'll never have to close again. In fact, you'll spend the majority of your Target career getting up very early and working until the early afternoon. You'll like this, and you'll actually make some pretty good friends. You'll even go to a WWE event with a few of them!
As I said, college won't be an issue. Did you put forth a good effort? Certainly. Could you have given a little more? Probably. You will spend most of your college career in pursuit of a Summa Cum Laude graduation. To get that, you need to graduate with a 3.8 GPA. You wind up at 3.792. Yeah, falling just short doesn't just happen in high school. But ultimately you will enjoy college, make a few good friends, and learn from some great professors. They'll get to know you because you're always the first to class.
Things aren't all good for the next 3+ years, though. The Seahawks will make it to the Super Bowl. I know you're thinking right now, "Future Jakob, how in the world is THAT a bad thing?" Notice that I said that they made it to a Super Bowl. They lost, and it will upset you for a very long time. But that isn't what will haunt you most about that day. Everyone who knows you well knows that you love your Seahawks. Katie will call you during halftime of the game, and because you're frustrated with the score, you'll be a little short in the conversation. Not rude, just short. Cherish that conversation. It will be the last conversation the two of you ever have.
After Katie passes away, you begin to take comfort in food. In the month after her death, you will gain twenty pounds. That is not an exaggeration. You go from being average to being overweight. You have to start wearing 36x34 pants, and even those will be snug. Since you've never been much of a fan of physical activity, the weight will stay on and continue to grow for the entirety of your college career. In 2007, you'll try to lose that weight. You will fail. In 2008, you will try again. Fortunately, you will succeed far greater than you could even imagine.
Your love life is going to be nonexistent. You never have much luck with any of the girls from school, so you spend a good portion of your college years pursuing old camp flames. Neither of them want to or will want to date you, but you and I have never been great at dealing in reality, so you ignore the warning signs. You'll feel heartache and heartbreak again and again.
During your college career, you will have to observe at a number of schools. This will be great practice for student teaching (I should also mention that you really get behind the teaching profession because you fall out of love with politics by late 2006). You'll even meet someone. During your first observation experience, you'll still be eighteen years old. Someone will give you a newspaper, and you will see a mini-feature about a cute, quirky girl. Being the strange dude that you are, you'll add her on MySpace and you guys really hit it off. Eventually, you'll fall for her. She'll have none of it, and you two will lock horns frequently. She'll tell you that she's not attracted to you. There's your inspiration for losing weight. Oh, you guys never wind up together, but you do eventually become friends again.
Your friends won't always be around, but they will be there for you when you need them. You will go through stretches where you don't see or hear from some of them for an extended period of time, but you'll always know they care, and in many ways, it will prepare you for when they move away for good in the early 2010s. You'll learn a lot about yourself during this time. You'll soon realize that even if you don't necessarily understand someone's lifestyle choices, that shouldn't affect how much you care for them as a person. We are different people, and that is what makes us great. You actually become a lot less judgmental during this time.
Your college career won't be easy, but you'll make it. You always do. If there's anything I wish you could've learned sooner, it's to believe in yourself and to put forth your best effort at all times. Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile. You'll walk out of college a lot stronger than when you walked in. Thank your family and friends for that.
All the best,
Jakob Duehr, 2013 edition
Letter to Jakob Duehr: To be received August 29, 2005
Dear Jakob,
You have made it through the most difficult summer of your life to date. I know how miserable things have been, and I know you've felt it was your responsibility to hold things together as everything fell apart around you. All things considered, you did a good job, and you're a good kid.
Tomorrow starts the next chapter in your life. Things are going to change like crazy the next few years. You are going to start college, and the day after that, you are going to start your very first job. By the time September 2007 rolls around, you won't even be living in Tinley Park anymore! It's not going to be easy. You are going to have to work harder than you've ever worked before, and you are going to have to do it without your friends. Believe me when I tell you this: it gets better. Your first semester of college will be your toughest semester by far. The workload won't be an issue. You've always been a bright kid. But balancing school work with your job will be tough. Many Sunday nights you will not get home from work until 2:15. Then you'll get up for school at 5:30. You'll get 3 A's and 2 B+'s this semester. That will actually be the worst semester you have for all of college.
Let's talk a little about your time at Target. You will always realize that your time there was never meant to be long-term. At times, that will affect your work ethic. I wish I could say that you gave it your all at all times, but you didn't really put it together unless you felt particularly motivated. You'll bounce from department to department until you finally end up on a team with other like-minded people. After that first semester, you'll never have to close again. In fact, you'll spend the majority of your Target career getting up very early and working until the early afternoon. You'll like this, and you'll actually make some pretty good friends. You'll even go to a WWE event with a few of them!
As I said, college won't be an issue. Did you put forth a good effort? Certainly. Could you have given a little more? Probably. You will spend most of your college career in pursuit of a Summa Cum Laude graduation. To get that, you need to graduate with a 3.8 GPA. You wind up at 3.792. Yeah, falling just short doesn't just happen in high school. But ultimately you will enjoy college, make a few good friends, and learn from some great professors. They'll get to know you because you're always the first to class.
Things aren't all good for the next 3+ years, though. The Seahawks will make it to the Super Bowl. I know you're thinking right now, "Future Jakob, how in the world is THAT a bad thing?" Notice that I said that they made it to a Super Bowl. They lost, and it will upset you for a very long time. But that isn't what will haunt you most about that day. Everyone who knows you well knows that you love your Seahawks. Katie will call you during halftime of the game, and because you're frustrated with the score, you'll be a little short in the conversation. Not rude, just short. Cherish that conversation. It will be the last conversation the two of you ever have.
After Katie passes away, you begin to take comfort in food. In the month after her death, you will gain twenty pounds. That is not an exaggeration. You go from being average to being overweight. You have to start wearing 36x34 pants, and even those will be snug. Since you've never been much of a fan of physical activity, the weight will stay on and continue to grow for the entirety of your college career. In 2007, you'll try to lose that weight. You will fail. In 2008, you will try again. Fortunately, you will succeed far greater than you could even imagine.
Your love life is going to be nonexistent. You never have much luck with any of the girls from school, so you spend a good portion of your college years pursuing old camp flames. Neither of them want to or will want to date you, but you and I have never been great at dealing in reality, so you ignore the warning signs. You'll feel heartache and heartbreak again and again.
During your college career, you will have to observe at a number of schools. This will be great practice for student teaching (I should also mention that you really get behind the teaching profession because you fall out of love with politics by late 2006). You'll even meet someone. During your first observation experience, you'll still be eighteen years old. Someone will give you a newspaper, and you will see a mini-feature about a cute, quirky girl. Being the strange dude that you are, you'll add her on MySpace and you guys really hit it off. Eventually, you'll fall for her. She'll have none of it, and you two will lock horns frequently. She'll tell you that she's not attracted to you. There's your inspiration for losing weight. Oh, you guys never wind up together, but you do eventually become friends again.
Your friends won't always be around, but they will be there for you when you need them. You will go through stretches where you don't see or hear from some of them for an extended period of time, but you'll always know they care, and in many ways, it will prepare you for when they move away for good in the early 2010s. You'll learn a lot about yourself during this time. You'll soon realize that even if you don't necessarily understand someone's lifestyle choices, that shouldn't affect how much you care for them as a person. We are different people, and that is what makes us great. You actually become a lot less judgmental during this time.
Your college career won't be easy, but you'll make it. You always do. If there's anything I wish you could've learned sooner, it's to believe in yourself and to put forth your best effort at all times. Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile. You'll walk out of college a lot stronger than when you walked in. Thank your family and friends for that.
All the best,
Jakob Duehr, 2013 edition
Friday, July 12, 2013
On Optimism
Optimism gets a bit of a bad rap at times. There are unfavorable stigmas attached to those who prefer to look at the brighter side of life. At best, they are called idealists, and at worst they are labeled naïve. Quite honestly, this bothers me. I would be the last person to force my views on others, but I encourage a more favorable look at these optimists.
Optimism is not the enemy of realism. It is not the belief that everything WILL turn out well in the end. It is the hope that it COULD turn out well in the end. I’ll be honest. I am the type who does not like to accept defeat and who does not like to quit. I will hold on to the slightest glimmer of hope that things will go my way in the end. That said, when it comes to long-shots, I do not expect success in the end. I merely refuse to give up until all hope is lost.
Case-in-point: For the past four and a half years I have been interested in someone who, without going into a great measure of detail, is unavailable. It has not been easy, but there have been glimmers of hope. Because of that, I have not given up. Many people close to me think I’m crazy for it or think I’m being unrealistic. It’s not that, though. I don’t wake up every morning expecting for things to change. I fully realize (to borrow from Tom Petty) I’m runnin’ down a dream that may never come to fruition. That is okay. I would rather give everything I can and lose than give up when something looks improbable. I believe nothing’s over until it’s over.
I find life to be more enjoyable when looking on the brighter side. It’s no fun to feel perpetually defeated. Hope makes life significantly more palatable. Sure, things might not be better tomorrow. In fact, they might be worse. But there is hope that things will turn around tomorrow, and it is that hope that keeps me going. The idea that better is possible is enough to keep me going.
There is a belief that optimistic people are naïve and therefore get hurt more often and more easily. That is partly true. One of the most common side effects of hope is disappointment. We hold out for something, but more often than not, it doesn’t happen. That’s the reality of life. Our hearts are a bit more fragile. But I am fine with that. It is not naïveté. I know that hope leaves me more susceptible to disappointment, but it’s a tradeoff I am willing to make. One hoped-for success is more powerful to me than a thousand disappointments. I would rather hope and hurt than never hope and feel defeated all the time.
I like to look at life positively. That doesn’t make me Lloyd Christmas. I do try to find the best in things. I don’t that things will be great, but every day I wake up with the notion that they can be. I believe in staying strong and never giving up. Care to join me?
Optimism is not the enemy of realism. It is not the belief that everything WILL turn out well in the end. It is the hope that it COULD turn out well in the end. I’ll be honest. I am the type who does not like to accept defeat and who does not like to quit. I will hold on to the slightest glimmer of hope that things will go my way in the end. That said, when it comes to long-shots, I do not expect success in the end. I merely refuse to give up until all hope is lost.
Case-in-point: For the past four and a half years I have been interested in someone who, without going into a great measure of detail, is unavailable. It has not been easy, but there have been glimmers of hope. Because of that, I have not given up. Many people close to me think I’m crazy for it or think I’m being unrealistic. It’s not that, though. I don’t wake up every morning expecting for things to change. I fully realize (to borrow from Tom Petty) I’m runnin’ down a dream that may never come to fruition. That is okay. I would rather give everything I can and lose than give up when something looks improbable. I believe nothing’s over until it’s over.
I find life to be more enjoyable when looking on the brighter side. It’s no fun to feel perpetually defeated. Hope makes life significantly more palatable. Sure, things might not be better tomorrow. In fact, they might be worse. But there is hope that things will turn around tomorrow, and it is that hope that keeps me going. The idea that better is possible is enough to keep me going.
There is a belief that optimistic people are naïve and therefore get hurt more often and more easily. That is partly true. One of the most common side effects of hope is disappointment. We hold out for something, but more often than not, it doesn’t happen. That’s the reality of life. Our hearts are a bit more fragile. But I am fine with that. It is not naïveté. I know that hope leaves me more susceptible to disappointment, but it’s a tradeoff I am willing to make. One hoped-for success is more powerful to me than a thousand disappointments. I would rather hope and hurt than never hope and feel defeated all the time.
I like to look at life positively. That doesn’t make me Lloyd Christmas. I do try to find the best in things. I don’t that things will be great, but every day I wake up with the notion that they can be. I believe in staying strong and never giving up. Care to join me?
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Mastering My Craft
Earlier this year in accordance with my 26th birthday, I compiled a list of 26 things that I wanted to accomplish as a 26 year old. A little over three months in and I have made serious headway on my list. I’ve knocked out over half the items. There is one item in particular that I am proud of, and I thought I’d share it with you.
When I finished college in December 2008 and received my diploma in January 2009, I did so with the idea that I wasn’t truly “done” with school. It was always my goal to go on to graduate school. When I was younger, I thought that would be law school, but as I grew disenchanted with politics, I decided that I would eventually get a Master’s degree in education.
Future plans took a backseat because things never really took off after college. I happened to graduate at a time when the teaching job market fell apart, and I wanted to wait until I had steady employment before I made the financial commitment to graduate school. From 2009 to 2012, my primary focus was finding a job.
Now that I have my feet on the ground in a school, it’s time for me to get the ball rolling on enhancing my future. Starting Monday I will be enrolled in a Master’s program in curriculum and instruction. I worked hard to get where I am, but now is certainly not the time to rest on my laurels. As a teacher, I need to do everything I can to continue to grow as an educator. A graduate degree not only will make me more attractive in my future endeavors, but it will also provide me the tools to hone my skills. It is an investment in my present and my future.
I must admit it will be different returning to the other side of the classroom. I have lacked confidence in many areas of my life, but I have always been confident in my ability to get it done in the classroom both as a teacher and as a student. That said, I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t a bit apprehensive. I’m a bit worried about rust and if I can reach the lofty standards I set for myself. I don’t know if I will be able to reach such heights, but I can guarantee that I will do my best. I am looking forward to starting this eighteen month journey, but I am even more excited to finish!
When I finished college in December 2008 and received my diploma in January 2009, I did so with the idea that I wasn’t truly “done” with school. It was always my goal to go on to graduate school. When I was younger, I thought that would be law school, but as I grew disenchanted with politics, I decided that I would eventually get a Master’s degree in education.
Future plans took a backseat because things never really took off after college. I happened to graduate at a time when the teaching job market fell apart, and I wanted to wait until I had steady employment before I made the financial commitment to graduate school. From 2009 to 2012, my primary focus was finding a job.
Now that I have my feet on the ground in a school, it’s time for me to get the ball rolling on enhancing my future. Starting Monday I will be enrolled in a Master’s program in curriculum and instruction. I worked hard to get where I am, but now is certainly not the time to rest on my laurels. As a teacher, I need to do everything I can to continue to grow as an educator. A graduate degree not only will make me more attractive in my future endeavors, but it will also provide me the tools to hone my skills. It is an investment in my present and my future.
I must admit it will be different returning to the other side of the classroom. I have lacked confidence in many areas of my life, but I have always been confident in my ability to get it done in the classroom both as a teacher and as a student. That said, I would be lying to you if I said I wasn’t a bit apprehensive. I’m a bit worried about rust and if I can reach the lofty standards I set for myself. I don’t know if I will be able to reach such heights, but I can guarantee that I will do my best. I am looking forward to starting this eighteen month journey, but I am even more excited to finish!
Sunday, June 30, 2013
A Tale of Two Marathons, Part 2: I Ran Another Marathon Because I'm a Masochist
I’ll probably never run a marathon again. I don’t need to. I set a goal for myself back in December, and I achieved that goal. I’ll find something else to strive to achieve.
I said that. Actually I wrote that here when I recapped my journey from out of shape to marathon man. Yet here I am, having completed another marathon. So why did I do it, how did it go, and what is next for me?
I will answer each of those questions individually, but before I answer the first question, I need to give some honest background as to why I ran the first marathon. In last year’s post, I openly discussed my weight loss, my newfound good shape, and my desire to rise to a challenge or lofty goal. Those weren’t the only reasons. There were two other reasons that previously went unspoken.
My preparation for the 2012 marathon coincided with my third year as a substitute teacher. The job market continued to get bleaker and bleaker, and I did not know what the future held for me. I felt like I had been treading water for years. I wasn’t a total bum, but I wasn’t progressing either. With my sister finishing up her degree and my cousin finishing up med school, I wanted to do something special, something that required a lot of effort and determination. Put bluntly, I wanted people (friends and family, not just one or the other) to have a reason to be proud of me. So I trained like a maniac. And it worked. People started to focus on my drive and tenacity, and that began to become what I was defined by.
I also wanted to do something amazing because I wanted to reward myself. As previously stated, I was not working a full time job, and I felt like it would seem foolish to go on a vacation with things the way they were. I decided to run the marathon so I could justifiably take a trip out west thereafter. I felt like it was the time to make a big move on the Jannelle front, and a trip out there was that big move. As things turned out, my trip got turned upside down and I didn’t make it to see her. But my desire to see her was one of the driving points for me to complete my marathon.
So why did I do it this time? I had a full time job, and an “admirable” one at that. I wound up meeting up with her later last summer in Chicago, and shortly after that things hit a bit of a snag. What made me decide to commit to another marathon?
I am the type of person who needs to have something to strive for or look forward to. Whether an exciting event or a long term goal, my life feels more worth living when there is a purpose. A marathon is a lofty, concrete goal that requires a specific amount of work and endurance. I knew what it took, and I wanted to do it again for me. Not for anyone else. Not for their approval either. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this in the midst of the stresses of a full time job at an alternative school and without a girl I was desperately trying to impress.
I was also displeased by the way the previous marathon ended. I flew through the first 20 miles and then hit a wall. I wanted to end this race more happily than I ended the previous one.
So my dad I trained once more. This marathon was in Dubuque, Iowa, and ran along a trail. Unfortunately for us, there was a massive thunderstorm right before the race started. A couple inches of rain fell, and it delayed the start of the race by two hours. By the time the race began, the gravel trail was slop, and the weather was nasty and humid.
I was unhappy due to the conditions, but I was fine in the beginning. The trail was bad, but I toughed it out. Unfortunately, at Mile 16, I twisted my ankle in a sinkhole caused by the storm. As I braced myself to stop myself from wiping out completely, I strained the calf and Achilles tendon on my right leg. I gutted it out until Mile 18 when I realized that I would not be able to complete the race in a run.
At that point, I had a choice, and both of them were a bit humbling: call it a day due to injury, or physically drag myself to the finish? I had come too far to quit, and even though I had 8 miles to go, I dragged my body to the end. I couldn’t run by the time I got to the finish line, but I still had a smile on my face. It took me an hour longer than last year, but I made it. I didn’t quit when I could have and perhaps should have.
As I crossed the finish line, I knew that was the last marathon that I would ever run. It’s just not worth it to me to put forth that much time and effort in training and allow my legs to feel like junk for the better part of two months. I am not done running, however. It is my new goal to get my 5k time down below 19 minutes. Once my body is fully recovered from this marathon, I wouldn’t bet against me. I’ve got the drive to do it.
So what’s next? I don’t know yet. I don’t need to run another marathon. Every day life is a marathon. I’m sure I will set some lofty goal for myself. I’m happier that way. I don’t know where I’m going yet, but I’m looking forward to getting there. See you at the finish line.
I said that. Actually I wrote that here when I recapped my journey from out of shape to marathon man. Yet here I am, having completed another marathon. So why did I do it, how did it go, and what is next for me?
I will answer each of those questions individually, but before I answer the first question, I need to give some honest background as to why I ran the first marathon. In last year’s post, I openly discussed my weight loss, my newfound good shape, and my desire to rise to a challenge or lofty goal. Those weren’t the only reasons. There were two other reasons that previously went unspoken.
My preparation for the 2012 marathon coincided with my third year as a substitute teacher. The job market continued to get bleaker and bleaker, and I did not know what the future held for me. I felt like I had been treading water for years. I wasn’t a total bum, but I wasn’t progressing either. With my sister finishing up her degree and my cousin finishing up med school, I wanted to do something special, something that required a lot of effort and determination. Put bluntly, I wanted people (friends and family, not just one or the other) to have a reason to be proud of me. So I trained like a maniac. And it worked. People started to focus on my drive and tenacity, and that began to become what I was defined by.
I also wanted to do something amazing because I wanted to reward myself. As previously stated, I was not working a full time job, and I felt like it would seem foolish to go on a vacation with things the way they were. I decided to run the marathon so I could justifiably take a trip out west thereafter. I felt like it was the time to make a big move on the Jannelle front, and a trip out there was that big move. As things turned out, my trip got turned upside down and I didn’t make it to see her. But my desire to see her was one of the driving points for me to complete my marathon.
So why did I do it this time? I had a full time job, and an “admirable” one at that. I wound up meeting up with her later last summer in Chicago, and shortly after that things hit a bit of a snag. What made me decide to commit to another marathon?
I am the type of person who needs to have something to strive for or look forward to. Whether an exciting event or a long term goal, my life feels more worth living when there is a purpose. A marathon is a lofty, concrete goal that requires a specific amount of work and endurance. I knew what it took, and I wanted to do it again for me. Not for anyone else. Not for their approval either. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this in the midst of the stresses of a full time job at an alternative school and without a girl I was desperately trying to impress.
I was also displeased by the way the previous marathon ended. I flew through the first 20 miles and then hit a wall. I wanted to end this race more happily than I ended the previous one.
So my dad I trained once more. This marathon was in Dubuque, Iowa, and ran along a trail. Unfortunately for us, there was a massive thunderstorm right before the race started. A couple inches of rain fell, and it delayed the start of the race by two hours. By the time the race began, the gravel trail was slop, and the weather was nasty and humid.
I was unhappy due to the conditions, but I was fine in the beginning. The trail was bad, but I toughed it out. Unfortunately, at Mile 16, I twisted my ankle in a sinkhole caused by the storm. As I braced myself to stop myself from wiping out completely, I strained the calf and Achilles tendon on my right leg. I gutted it out until Mile 18 when I realized that I would not be able to complete the race in a run.
At that point, I had a choice, and both of them were a bit humbling: call it a day due to injury, or physically drag myself to the finish? I had come too far to quit, and even though I had 8 miles to go, I dragged my body to the end. I couldn’t run by the time I got to the finish line, but I still had a smile on my face. It took me an hour longer than last year, but I made it. I didn’t quit when I could have and perhaps should have.
As I crossed the finish line, I knew that was the last marathon that I would ever run. It’s just not worth it to me to put forth that much time and effort in training and allow my legs to feel like junk for the better part of two months. I am not done running, however. It is my new goal to get my 5k time down below 19 minutes. Once my body is fully recovered from this marathon, I wouldn’t bet against me. I’ve got the drive to do it.
So what’s next? I don’t know yet. I don’t need to run another marathon. Every day life is a marathon. I’m sure I will set some lofty goal for myself. I’m happier that way. I don’t know where I’m going yet, but I’m looking forward to getting there. See you at the finish line.
A Tale of Two Marathons, Part 1: I Survived (and actually enjoyed) a Year at an Alternative School
Greetings and salutations, my dear readers. I wouldn’t blame you if you forgot this site existed or if you thought that I forgot it existed. The last three months have been challenging for different reasons, but now that I have scaled some of these mountains, it’s about time I shared some of my life with you.
Most people know by this point that last August I accepted a teaching position at an alternative school. It was far from my dream job, but I was so eager to get into the teaching game after three years on the sidelines as a substitute teacher that I jumped at the opportunity. While I was excited for the new opportunity, I was more than a bit apprehensive as well. For those who are unfamiliar with what an alternative school is, it is a school for students who for one reason or another were expelled from their public school district. These infractions may include but are not limited to fighting, insubordination, possession and/or distribution of illegal substances, and possession of a weapon. Each of my students came to me for one of those reasons. That said, I never worked a day fearing for my own life or my own safety.
The first lesson I learned at this position was to never get too comfortable, because there is no such thing as a status quo. Everything is fluid and subject to change. When I was hired, I was placed in a classroom as an assistant to a veteran teacher who retired from the Chicago Public School System. About a month after that, I was given a classroom of my own. I started with five students ranging from fifth to seventh grade. The small group atmosphere really allowed us to create our own identity as a class and my own identity as their fearless leader.
As time went on, our class met with ebbs and flows. Due to the nature of our school, some students come, and some students go. As our class grew, I was blessed with two assistants: a female in the morning and a male in the afternoon. They really focused on the disciplinary aspect of the job and allowed me to key in on the academics (which, given my background, was more of my strong suit). We went from five up to seven before the holidays.
With our school being private, our livelihood really depends on strong enrollment. Unfortunately, our enrollment was below projections during the first semester, and by the time the holidays hit, we had to lay off a portion of our staff. I lost one of my assistants. When we came back from break, things still had not improved. I was called into my bosses’ office, and I was informed that they were going to have to lay me off at the end of the week. It was a really deflating feeling, and I had no idea what to do next. Fortunately, I was brought into their office again the next day and was informed that due to some shifts, I would be retained.
While I felt very blessed to still have a job, the next three months were some of the most challenging I have ever had. A number of my students stopped getting along, and given their volatile natures, I had to be on alert at all times. My classroom kept growing, and I started to feel overwhelmed. Without going into great detail, some of the kids decided to stop behaving, and it made things very difficult on me. Thankfully, due to steadily increasing enrollment, the school saw it fit to hire a co-teacher for me. We got along very well, and it eased a lot of my stress over the last two months.
Now that I am no longer a rookie teacher (and it took me long enough to shed that tag), I feel qualified to share some of my thoughts on the year, what I learned, and what worked. I have learned that adaptability is essential to success. It is important to be prepared, but in a place like this, things rarely (if ever) go according to plan. Therefore, I have to roll with it. Those who have known me for a long time know that this has not always been an area of strength, but as the school year progressed, I found myself getting better at it.
I also realized that it does me no good to complain about things. I will be the first to admit that at most of my previous places of employment I could be a bit of a malcontent at times. At this job I dug in, put my head down, and got to work. If I didn’t like something, I dealt with it. I must be getting older, because I realize that being the good soldier is not an option but instead a necessity.
The last major lesson I learned was that life is a marathon and not a sprint, and teaching is no exception. You can’t burn yourself out in September when you have to make it to the beginning of June. Always bring your A-game, but look at the big picture.
As I look back on this school year (and I intentionally waited a little while after the school year ended to write this so that I wouldn’t be clouded by emotion), I can certainly call it a success. Ultimately, Room 106 worked. And why did it work? There are two primary causes of our success.
The first cause of our success was the students themselves. I could be the best teacher in the world, and it would not mean a thing if I did not have students willing to work. Yes, my students were brought to me because of their poor choices, but they are merely kids. If people judged me for the things I did thirteen years ago, I would never have gotten this job. They bought into to this line of thinking: Poor choices brought you here; good choices will be your ticket out. They were not put in a bottomless pit. There is a light at the end of their tunnel, and the future is bright if they stay on the straight and narrow. Thankfully, most of them understood this.
The other cause of our success was that I don’t do things like normal teachers. Scratch that. I don’t do things like normal people. I can’t do normal. It doesn’t work for me. I don’t teach like Jakob Duehr trying to be a teacher. I teach like Jakob Duehr trying to be Jakob Duehr. We have Connect 4 tournaments. I play basketball with the kids in dress shoes and a tie (and can still dunk with those clothes on). I answer questions with song lyrics. Every day is a new opportunity to make another WWE reference. Most of these kids do not have good home lives. By not only seeing me as a teacher but also as an actual person, the students get actual enjoyment out of coming to school.
If the above paragraph came across as arrogant, that was certainly not my intent. I am merely saying that allowing students to see teachers for who they are (without sacrificing hard work or professionalism) creates a more welcome environment for the students. I also could not do what I do without the support of the administration. They give me the freedom to be me. If that means taking off my tie to let the students know I mean business, then so be it. All I have to do now is put my hands near my throat and students know that they better shape up.
To sum up a pile of text, it was a good year. I am ultimately pleased with how it went, but there is plenty of work left to do. I don’t see myself at an alternative school forever, but for this point in time, I am where I need to be. I hope to continue to grow as a person and as an educator, and I hope that next year is a success as well.
Most people know by this point that last August I accepted a teaching position at an alternative school. It was far from my dream job, but I was so eager to get into the teaching game after three years on the sidelines as a substitute teacher that I jumped at the opportunity. While I was excited for the new opportunity, I was more than a bit apprehensive as well. For those who are unfamiliar with what an alternative school is, it is a school for students who for one reason or another were expelled from their public school district. These infractions may include but are not limited to fighting, insubordination, possession and/or distribution of illegal substances, and possession of a weapon. Each of my students came to me for one of those reasons. That said, I never worked a day fearing for my own life or my own safety.
The first lesson I learned at this position was to never get too comfortable, because there is no such thing as a status quo. Everything is fluid and subject to change. When I was hired, I was placed in a classroom as an assistant to a veteran teacher who retired from the Chicago Public School System. About a month after that, I was given a classroom of my own. I started with five students ranging from fifth to seventh grade. The small group atmosphere really allowed us to create our own identity as a class and my own identity as their fearless leader.
As time went on, our class met with ebbs and flows. Due to the nature of our school, some students come, and some students go. As our class grew, I was blessed with two assistants: a female in the morning and a male in the afternoon. They really focused on the disciplinary aspect of the job and allowed me to key in on the academics (which, given my background, was more of my strong suit). We went from five up to seven before the holidays.
With our school being private, our livelihood really depends on strong enrollment. Unfortunately, our enrollment was below projections during the first semester, and by the time the holidays hit, we had to lay off a portion of our staff. I lost one of my assistants. When we came back from break, things still had not improved. I was called into my bosses’ office, and I was informed that they were going to have to lay me off at the end of the week. It was a really deflating feeling, and I had no idea what to do next. Fortunately, I was brought into their office again the next day and was informed that due to some shifts, I would be retained.
While I felt very blessed to still have a job, the next three months were some of the most challenging I have ever had. A number of my students stopped getting along, and given their volatile natures, I had to be on alert at all times. My classroom kept growing, and I started to feel overwhelmed. Without going into great detail, some of the kids decided to stop behaving, and it made things very difficult on me. Thankfully, due to steadily increasing enrollment, the school saw it fit to hire a co-teacher for me. We got along very well, and it eased a lot of my stress over the last two months.
Now that I am no longer a rookie teacher (and it took me long enough to shed that tag), I feel qualified to share some of my thoughts on the year, what I learned, and what worked. I have learned that adaptability is essential to success. It is important to be prepared, but in a place like this, things rarely (if ever) go according to plan. Therefore, I have to roll with it. Those who have known me for a long time know that this has not always been an area of strength, but as the school year progressed, I found myself getting better at it.
I also realized that it does me no good to complain about things. I will be the first to admit that at most of my previous places of employment I could be a bit of a malcontent at times. At this job I dug in, put my head down, and got to work. If I didn’t like something, I dealt with it. I must be getting older, because I realize that being the good soldier is not an option but instead a necessity.
The last major lesson I learned was that life is a marathon and not a sprint, and teaching is no exception. You can’t burn yourself out in September when you have to make it to the beginning of June. Always bring your A-game, but look at the big picture.
As I look back on this school year (and I intentionally waited a little while after the school year ended to write this so that I wouldn’t be clouded by emotion), I can certainly call it a success. Ultimately, Room 106 worked. And why did it work? There are two primary causes of our success.
The first cause of our success was the students themselves. I could be the best teacher in the world, and it would not mean a thing if I did not have students willing to work. Yes, my students were brought to me because of their poor choices, but they are merely kids. If people judged me for the things I did thirteen years ago, I would never have gotten this job. They bought into to this line of thinking: Poor choices brought you here; good choices will be your ticket out. They were not put in a bottomless pit. There is a light at the end of their tunnel, and the future is bright if they stay on the straight and narrow. Thankfully, most of them understood this.
The other cause of our success was that I don’t do things like normal teachers. Scratch that. I don’t do things like normal people. I can’t do normal. It doesn’t work for me. I don’t teach like Jakob Duehr trying to be a teacher. I teach like Jakob Duehr trying to be Jakob Duehr. We have Connect 4 tournaments. I play basketball with the kids in dress shoes and a tie (and can still dunk with those clothes on). I answer questions with song lyrics. Every day is a new opportunity to make another WWE reference. Most of these kids do not have good home lives. By not only seeing me as a teacher but also as an actual person, the students get actual enjoyment out of coming to school.
If the above paragraph came across as arrogant, that was certainly not my intent. I am merely saying that allowing students to see teachers for who they are (without sacrificing hard work or professionalism) creates a more welcome environment for the students. I also could not do what I do without the support of the administration. They give me the freedom to be me. If that means taking off my tie to let the students know I mean business, then so be it. All I have to do now is put my hands near my throat and students know that they better shape up.
To sum up a pile of text, it was a good year. I am ultimately pleased with how it went, but there is plenty of work left to do. I don’t see myself at an alternative school forever, but for this point in time, I am where I need to be. I hope to continue to grow as a person and as an educator, and I hope that next year is a success as well.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
A Note to My 16 Year Old Self
A little while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is the third in the series.
Letter to Jakob Duehr: to be received April 4, 2003
Dear Jakob,
Happy birthday, kid! You’ve made it to your 16th birthday. And yes, things are going to be pretty sweet. You’ve survived the past two years, and we both know it wasn’t easy. You didn’t ask for any of the hardships you’ve faced, but you’ve pushed past them and have even learned about yourself in the process. This letter should give you exactly what you need to get through the next two years. I’m only going to give you enough to take you through the end of high school.
I’m sorry, but you won’t be getting your driver’s license today. Your school district does things a little weird, and you’re still a couple days away from getting your learner’s permit. Sorry!
Aside from that disappointment, you are about to enter one of the happiest periods of your life. You left one youth group to focus solely on another, and it is probably the best decision you’ve made to this point. The friends you’ve had for years will grow even nearer and dearer to your heart. This upcoming summer you will hang out with them almost everyday. You’ll even start to get burned out with going out all the time. Don’t. Enjoy this time. Cherish this time.
You are actually only a couple days away from getting your first girlfriend. Congratulations. It won’t last long, but that’s your choice. It’ll feel nice to be cared about. Don’t get used to it. After this you will embark on a series of failed pursuits. Some blows will be cushioned softer than others. The girls you meet from church camp will be soft blows. The girls you meet from high school, not so much.
In the past the adversity you faced was not your fault. I am sorry to tell you that the adversity you will face now will be trials of your own creation. You still lack the one thing you need: confidence. This lack of confidence will cause you to do some strange things, especially from behind a computer. You will alienate yourself with a large group of people at your school because of the decisions YOU made. You will tirelessly work to correct these problems, but you will only dig deeper holes for yourself. You will fear walking through certain hallways.
Despite all that, you’ll make it through. You start to learn a little more about yourself, and you gain some maturity along the way. By mid-2004, you have a grasp of who you are and who you want to be, and you will work to become the person you want to be. 2003 and 2004 will be the two best years of the entire decade.
On a side note, I thought I’d share this with you: one night in late 2003, you randomly flip through channels and stumble upon Monday Night Raw. This rekindles a love for WWE that still exists. You wouldn’t believe how big your collection of wrestling stuff gets.
By 2005, things start to get a little tough. You learn that you can try as hard as you can but still fall just short. You’ll miss out on a couple full-ride scholarships. We both know how badly you wanted to get one of those. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It will be okay. Trust me.
So, enjoy today. Enjoy the next two years. They’ll be tough at times, but they’ll be ultimately enjoyable. Blow out those candles and buckle up. It’s going to be a wild ride!
Sincerely,
You, 10 Years Later
Letter to Jakob Duehr: to be received April 4, 2003
Dear Jakob,
Happy birthday, kid! You’ve made it to your 16th birthday. And yes, things are going to be pretty sweet. You’ve survived the past two years, and we both know it wasn’t easy. You didn’t ask for any of the hardships you’ve faced, but you’ve pushed past them and have even learned about yourself in the process. This letter should give you exactly what you need to get through the next two years. I’m only going to give you enough to take you through the end of high school.
I’m sorry, but you won’t be getting your driver’s license today. Your school district does things a little weird, and you’re still a couple days away from getting your learner’s permit. Sorry!
Aside from that disappointment, you are about to enter one of the happiest periods of your life. You left one youth group to focus solely on another, and it is probably the best decision you’ve made to this point. The friends you’ve had for years will grow even nearer and dearer to your heart. This upcoming summer you will hang out with them almost everyday. You’ll even start to get burned out with going out all the time. Don’t. Enjoy this time. Cherish this time.
You are actually only a couple days away from getting your first girlfriend. Congratulations. It won’t last long, but that’s your choice. It’ll feel nice to be cared about. Don’t get used to it. After this you will embark on a series of failed pursuits. Some blows will be cushioned softer than others. The girls you meet from church camp will be soft blows. The girls you meet from high school, not so much.
In the past the adversity you faced was not your fault. I am sorry to tell you that the adversity you will face now will be trials of your own creation. You still lack the one thing you need: confidence. This lack of confidence will cause you to do some strange things, especially from behind a computer. You will alienate yourself with a large group of people at your school because of the decisions YOU made. You will tirelessly work to correct these problems, but you will only dig deeper holes for yourself. You will fear walking through certain hallways.
Despite all that, you’ll make it through. You start to learn a little more about yourself, and you gain some maturity along the way. By mid-2004, you have a grasp of who you are and who you want to be, and you will work to become the person you want to be. 2003 and 2004 will be the two best years of the entire decade.
On a side note, I thought I’d share this with you: one night in late 2003, you randomly flip through channels and stumble upon Monday Night Raw. This rekindles a love for WWE that still exists. You wouldn’t believe how big your collection of wrestling stuff gets.
By 2005, things start to get a little tough. You learn that you can try as hard as you can but still fall just short. You’ll miss out on a couple full-ride scholarships. We both know how badly you wanted to get one of those. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It will be okay. Trust me.
So, enjoy today. Enjoy the next two years. They’ll be tough at times, but they’ll be ultimately enjoyable. Blow out those candles and buckle up. It’s going to be a wild ride!
Sincerely,
You, 10 Years Later
26 Things I Want to Accomplish as a 26 Year Old
My life is better when I have goals in mind. If I don’t, not only do I not have anything to look forward to (which I know is a personally dangerous thing for me), but I also feel like I am wandering aimlessly. Some of them will be more challenging, while others will be a bit more whimsical. Nonetheless, in no particular order, these are the things I want 26 year old Jakob Duehr to accomplish.
1. Complete another marathon. Have enough energy to finish as strong as I start.
2. Run a sub-5:30 mile.
3. Attend another Seahawks game.
4. Attend a concert of some sort.
5. Make at least 3 new friends.
6. Go on at least 4 dates with the same person.
7. Get another tattoo.
8. Launch two new websites.
9. Start on a Masters program.
10. Continue to improve as a teacher.
11. Travel to at least two states I have never travelled to previously.
12. Reach out to old friends more often.
13. Learn how to cook a full meal.
14. Take fewer things personally.
15. Hang out in person with at least one online friend.
16. Drink more water.
17. Attend a WWE event.
18. Get tweeted at by at least 5 celebrities.
19. Complete a 5k race in less than 20 minutes.
20. Receive a medal for my age group in a 5k race.
21. Eradicate my fear of failure and rejection.
22. Limit my use of sarcasm.
23. Wear my red pants in public.
24. Write at least one chapter of a book.
25. Focus more on the present than the past or future.
26. Be better.
1. Complete another marathon. Have enough energy to finish as strong as I start.
2. Run a sub-5:30 mile.
3. Attend another Seahawks game.
4. Attend a concert of some sort.
5. Make at least 3 new friends.
6. Go on at least 4 dates with the same person.
7. Get another tattoo.
8. Launch two new websites.
9. Start on a Masters program.
10. Continue to improve as a teacher.
11. Travel to at least two states I have never travelled to previously.
12. Reach out to old friends more often.
13. Learn how to cook a full meal.
14. Take fewer things personally.
15. Hang out in person with at least one online friend.
16. Drink more water.
17. Attend a WWE event.
18. Get tweeted at by at least 5 celebrities.
19. Complete a 5k race in less than 20 minutes.
20. Receive a medal for my age group in a 5k race.
21. Eradicate my fear of failure and rejection.
22. Limit my use of sarcasm.
23. Wear my red pants in public.
24. Write at least one chapter of a book.
25. Focus more on the present than the past or future.
26. Be better.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Relevance Revisited, or Continuing Studies in Relevance
I know I covered the topic of relevance at great length in 2008 and 2009, but it is still a topic that holds near and dear to my heart, and it is a topic that I feel can be visited once again.
In my life (in the last decade at least), I haven’t given much thought or care whether I was liked or disliked. I haven’t cared whether I was admired or revered. I honestly haven’t even given much thought to how respected I am. I do, however, give thought to my relevance. Do people notice me, positively or negatively? Is what I’m doing important? Does it matter?
There’s a fairly new band that I happen to like named The Lumineers. In their song “Stubborn Love”, they sing “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all/ The opposite of love’s indifference.” I really think they’re on to something.
I personally believe the worst words to hear are not “I hate you,” or “I wish I had never met you.” Those words, though drenched in malice, signify an emotional response between the speaker and the recipient. I have long believed that anyone who is capable of loving someone is equally as capable of hating a person, and vice versa. The emotions of love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. They are very different, but are related. No, I believe that the worst words to hear are “Who are you again?” or “You don’t matter to me” or “You’ve never mattered to me.” Those statements, even when free of malice, are cold and detached. Nobody wants to feel irrelevant or superfluous.
As I have stated on a number of occasions, most notably in my Apologia, I was part of two youth groups during my teen years. One of those youth groups I left in 2003 because I never felt like I belonged. When I look back on my time spent there, I have come to realize that there were only a small handful of times where I was actually treated badly. What was the case, though, was that I don’t think it mattered much to most people whether I was around or not. I was just around. I wasn’t well-liked, but I wasn’t hated either. I was just there. I wasn’t relevant, and I think that’s what ate at me the most.
The older I have gotten, I have been able to conquer a number of my fears and do things my younger self would have thought improbable, if not impossible. One of my greatest fears (whether real or imagined), is that one day I will come to the realization that I was far less important (both small-scale and in the grand scheme of things) than I thought I was, that others mattered to me far more than I mattered to them.
So is there a key to staying relevant, to making a difference in people’s lives, to matter as much to others as they matter to you? If there is, I have not yet found it. All I know that I can do is to live with a purpose and do purposeful things. Even if you can not maintain personal relevance, the actions you make can last long after you have gone. You cannot make someone positively care about you, but you can do a lot of positive things for a lot of people. And really, that’s what matters.
In my life (in the last decade at least), I haven’t given much thought or care whether I was liked or disliked. I haven’t cared whether I was admired or revered. I honestly haven’t even given much thought to how respected I am. I do, however, give thought to my relevance. Do people notice me, positively or negatively? Is what I’m doing important? Does it matter?
There’s a fairly new band that I happen to like named The Lumineers. In their song “Stubborn Love”, they sing “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all/ The opposite of love’s indifference.” I really think they’re on to something.
I personally believe the worst words to hear are not “I hate you,” or “I wish I had never met you.” Those words, though drenched in malice, signify an emotional response between the speaker and the recipient. I have long believed that anyone who is capable of loving someone is equally as capable of hating a person, and vice versa. The emotions of love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. They are very different, but are related. No, I believe that the worst words to hear are “Who are you again?” or “You don’t matter to me” or “You’ve never mattered to me.” Those statements, even when free of malice, are cold and detached. Nobody wants to feel irrelevant or superfluous.
As I have stated on a number of occasions, most notably in my Apologia, I was part of two youth groups during my teen years. One of those youth groups I left in 2003 because I never felt like I belonged. When I look back on my time spent there, I have come to realize that there were only a small handful of times where I was actually treated badly. What was the case, though, was that I don’t think it mattered much to most people whether I was around or not. I was just around. I wasn’t well-liked, but I wasn’t hated either. I was just there. I wasn’t relevant, and I think that’s what ate at me the most.
The older I have gotten, I have been able to conquer a number of my fears and do things my younger self would have thought improbable, if not impossible. One of my greatest fears (whether real or imagined), is that one day I will come to the realization that I was far less important (both small-scale and in the grand scheme of things) than I thought I was, that others mattered to me far more than I mattered to them.
So is there a key to staying relevant, to making a difference in people’s lives, to matter as much to others as they matter to you? If there is, I have not yet found it. All I know that I can do is to live with a purpose and do purposeful things. Even if you can not maintain personal relevance, the actions you make can last long after you have gone. You cannot make someone positively care about you, but you can do a lot of positive things for a lot of people. And really, that’s what matters.
The Narrator and Tyler Durden Are Raging Inside Me
Warning: This blog post may contain spoilers from the previous millennium. Read at your own risk.
This past weekend I finally got around to watching Fight Club. Yes, I know I’m about thirteen years tardy to that party, but I can finally say I’ve seen it. It’s trippy, but it’s fascinating. The chemistry between Edward Norton and Brad Pitt is phenomenal. And any movie that features two singers that I greatly appreciate (Meat Loaf and 30 Seconds to Mars’ Jared Leto) is fine by me!
The purpose of the post isn’t to review or gush over the movie. Roger Ebert I am not. I want to talk about what I find to be the most interesting aspect of the film: the moment that the unnamed narrator (Norton) comes to the realization that Tyler Durden (Pitt) does not exist in reality but instead is nothing more than the manifestation of everything the narrator wishes that he could personally be. As Tyler says, “All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look… I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” While the narrator (at the beginning of the movie at least) is safe and milquetoast, with a lack of confidence and a love for all things IKEA, Tyler Durden is brash and bold, with big ideas and a disdain for the capitalistic system and the burden of media. The narrator comes to realize that all the things Durden did both good and bad were deeds actually done by the narrator himself. He then had to make a choice of which dog inside himself he wanted to feed.
Now, most of us (hopefully) do not suffer from dissociative identity disorder, but we all have a Tyler Durden living inside of us. There is an idealized version of ourselves resting somewhere that (to varying degrees) we wish would manifest itself realistically. Each of our Tylers look different because they are each a reflection of our individually idealized selves.
So what is my Tyler Durden like? Aesthetically, not much different. I dress how I want to dress. I talk how I want to talk. Sure, I’d like a little more muscle tone, but I’m working on that. However, my Tyler is bold and confident. He does not fear rejection and failure in the same way that I do. He recognizes risks and embraces them. He sees everything as opportunity, and he never ceases to seize those opportunities.
Because something is our idealized self, does it mean that it is the best thing for us? Of course not. The narrator has to atone for the missteps of Tyler. Tyler Durden is everything the narrator wishes he could be. As we all know, sometimes the things we want are far from the best things for us. But where the narrator failed, we can succeed. We do not have to make a concrete choice between our real and ideal. Rather, because we are dynamic beings, we can choose the appropriate characteristics of our real and ideal to optimize ourselves. We are the narrators of our lives, and we are Tyler Durden, and really, that’s okay.
This past weekend I finally got around to watching Fight Club. Yes, I know I’m about thirteen years tardy to that party, but I can finally say I’ve seen it. It’s trippy, but it’s fascinating. The chemistry between Edward Norton and Brad Pitt is phenomenal. And any movie that features two singers that I greatly appreciate (Meat Loaf and 30 Seconds to Mars’ Jared Leto) is fine by me!
The purpose of the post isn’t to review or gush over the movie. Roger Ebert I am not. I want to talk about what I find to be the most interesting aspect of the film: the moment that the unnamed narrator (Norton) comes to the realization that Tyler Durden (Pitt) does not exist in reality but instead is nothing more than the manifestation of everything the narrator wishes that he could personally be. As Tyler says, “All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look… I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” While the narrator (at the beginning of the movie at least) is safe and milquetoast, with a lack of confidence and a love for all things IKEA, Tyler Durden is brash and bold, with big ideas and a disdain for the capitalistic system and the burden of media. The narrator comes to realize that all the things Durden did both good and bad were deeds actually done by the narrator himself. He then had to make a choice of which dog inside himself he wanted to feed.
Now, most of us (hopefully) do not suffer from dissociative identity disorder, but we all have a Tyler Durden living inside of us. There is an idealized version of ourselves resting somewhere that (to varying degrees) we wish would manifest itself realistically. Each of our Tylers look different because they are each a reflection of our individually idealized selves.
So what is my Tyler Durden like? Aesthetically, not much different. I dress how I want to dress. I talk how I want to talk. Sure, I’d like a little more muscle tone, but I’m working on that. However, my Tyler is bold and confident. He does not fear rejection and failure in the same way that I do. He recognizes risks and embraces them. He sees everything as opportunity, and he never ceases to seize those opportunities.
Because something is our idealized self, does it mean that it is the best thing for us? Of course not. The narrator has to atone for the missteps of Tyler. Tyler Durden is everything the narrator wishes he could be. As we all know, sometimes the things we want are far from the best things for us. But where the narrator failed, we can succeed. We do not have to make a concrete choice between our real and ideal. Rather, because we are dynamic beings, we can choose the appropriate characteristics of our real and ideal to optimize ourselves. We are the narrators of our lives, and we are Tyler Durden, and really, that’s okay.
25 Firsts as a 25 Year Old
25 Firsts as a 25 Year Old
The past year was a very long year. I feel like I aged 10 years in 365 days. It wasn’t that the year was bad, but it was quite draining. I accomplished a number of things, and many of them were first time occurrences. I’ll have a couple other birthday related posts soon, but here are 25 things I did for the first time while a 25 year old.
1. Completed a marathon
2. Ran a sub-6 minute mile
3. Finished in the top 100 of a 900 person race
4. Went on a vacation by myself
5. Travelled west of the Central Time Zone
6. Set foot on an NFL field
7. Attended an NFL game (in a different stadium than the field I walked on)
8. Broke up a fight singlehandedly.
9. Obtained first full-time teaching job
10. Was laid off from a job
11. Was brought back for said job within 24 hours
12. Asked out a coworker
13. Met people from GameFAQs
14. Spent time with Stickam friends in person
15. Interviewed for a job via webcam
16. Got the best vocal score in the world on a song on Rock Band
17. Viewed Seattle from the top of the Space Needle
18. Won a contest held by a band
19. Was punched so hard by Buttons that she drew blood
20. Climbed the highest “peak” of Illinois
21. Ate doughnuts in Portland, Oregon
22. Spent the entirety of my time as a 25 year old WITHOUT seeing two of my closest friends
23. Coordinated a class presentation for an assembly
24. Dunked a basketball while wearing dress clothes
25. Felt old
Now I know some of these things were ridiculous, but they were firsts. Not all first time events have to be profound. Some of these events likely will never happen again. Some hopefully will. Stay tuned to see what I hope to accomplish as a 26 year old.
The past year was a very long year. I feel like I aged 10 years in 365 days. It wasn’t that the year was bad, but it was quite draining. I accomplished a number of things, and many of them were first time occurrences. I’ll have a couple other birthday related posts soon, but here are 25 things I did for the first time while a 25 year old.
1. Completed a marathon
2. Ran a sub-6 minute mile
3. Finished in the top 100 of a 900 person race
4. Went on a vacation by myself
5. Travelled west of the Central Time Zone
6. Set foot on an NFL field
7. Attended an NFL game (in a different stadium than the field I walked on)
8. Broke up a fight singlehandedly.
9. Obtained first full-time teaching job
10. Was laid off from a job
11. Was brought back for said job within 24 hours
12. Asked out a coworker
13. Met people from GameFAQs
14. Spent time with Stickam friends in person
15. Interviewed for a job via webcam
16. Got the best vocal score in the world on a song on Rock Band
17. Viewed Seattle from the top of the Space Needle
18. Won a contest held by a band
19. Was punched so hard by Buttons that she drew blood
20. Climbed the highest “peak” of Illinois
21. Ate doughnuts in Portland, Oregon
22. Spent the entirety of my time as a 25 year old WITHOUT seeing two of my closest friends
23. Coordinated a class presentation for an assembly
24. Dunked a basketball while wearing dress clothes
25. Felt old
Now I know some of these things were ridiculous, but they were firsts. Not all first time events have to be profound. Some of these events likely will never happen again. Some hopefully will. Stay tuned to see what I hope to accomplish as a 26 year old.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
A Note to My (Soon to be) 13 Year Old Self
A little while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is the second in the series.
Letter to Jakob Duehr: to be received February 16, 2000
Dear Jakob.
Today is going to be a pretty big day for you. No, it's not because you kicked a home run in kickball at recess. It's also not because you FINALLY unlocked Captain Falcon in Super Smash Bros (don't worry, kid... you'll get better at video games as you get older). No, today is a special day. You're going to look back on today as the day that your life really began, the day the "Modern Era" of your life commenced. Today you are going to meet your first adolescent crush. She is going to be amazing. She'll be the one to finally make you forget about your Beverley Mitchell pipe dream. All of a sudden you are going to stop feeling like a little kid and start feeling like a teenager.
I'm not going to spoil too much of your life in this letter. I'm only going to give you enough information to get you through the summer of 2001. Over the next year or so, life is going to be pretty easy. Enjoy it. Take advantage of it. You're going to finish up your career at Stone on a high note. Cherish those days, because you will never like school nearly as much as you like Stone. Not only will you have that time at school, but you are also going to leave Christian Hills and return to Stone for church. This is a great thing for you, as it will bring you that much closer to Rob, Dan, and eventually Rex.
You just finished up your first year of basketball, and you worked your way up from bench-warmer to starter. I know how hard you worked to get to that point. I know that you wish that athletics came half as easily as academics. But you're going to keep at it, and you will get better. In eighth grade, you will start nearly every game AND be named the team's Most Improved Player. Good job, kid. You earned it.
Things aren't all roses, though. You're going to experience your first taste of heartbreak. Get used to it. It becomes a recurring theme for us. Later in life it won't always be your fault. This time it was. At this point, you still don't have much confidence. You're tall and thin now, but you still haven't grown into yourself yet, so to speak. After you fail with your first crush, you are going to start pursuing her younger sister. I shouldn't have to tell you that this is a bad idea, but we don't always think things all the way through.
The end of 7th grade will be bliss, but 8th grade will be challenging, not from an academic standpoint but from a social one. New classmates will test the bonds that your class made the previous year, and the increase of hormones will break the cohesion of the group. You will become frustrated with your classmates as well as your teammates on the basketball team, but you need to realize that life goes on, and nothing that happens at this point will have any bearing on your future.
This is the point of the note where I impart some wisdom to you to get you through the next year and a half. First of all, believe in yourself. Stop fearing failure. Too often you will sell yourself short, especially romantically. You always look at yourself as the underdog and don't believe that you're good enough for the girls that you are interested in. This lack of confidence will make you start to press and do silly things. I wish I could say you fully grow out of this, but at 25, we still do some stupid things every now and then. Don't block your own path. You're a good kid with a good heart. Sometimes you trust people a little too much. Don't let others make you bitter by their mistreatment of you. Stay who you are, because who you are is probably more awesome than you realize.
I don't know how this story ends. I'm still living and learning, but I do know what happens in the next chapter. I'll be there soon to help you through it.
Sincerely,
Your 25 Year Old Self
Letter to Jakob Duehr: to be received February 16, 2000
Dear Jakob.
Today is going to be a pretty big day for you. No, it's not because you kicked a home run in kickball at recess. It's also not because you FINALLY unlocked Captain Falcon in Super Smash Bros (don't worry, kid... you'll get better at video games as you get older). No, today is a special day. You're going to look back on today as the day that your life really began, the day the "Modern Era" of your life commenced. Today you are going to meet your first adolescent crush. She is going to be amazing. She'll be the one to finally make you forget about your Beverley Mitchell pipe dream. All of a sudden you are going to stop feeling like a little kid and start feeling like a teenager.
I'm not going to spoil too much of your life in this letter. I'm only going to give you enough information to get you through the summer of 2001. Over the next year or so, life is going to be pretty easy. Enjoy it. Take advantage of it. You're going to finish up your career at Stone on a high note. Cherish those days, because you will never like school nearly as much as you like Stone. Not only will you have that time at school, but you are also going to leave Christian Hills and return to Stone for church. This is a great thing for you, as it will bring you that much closer to Rob, Dan, and eventually Rex.
You just finished up your first year of basketball, and you worked your way up from bench-warmer to starter. I know how hard you worked to get to that point. I know that you wish that athletics came half as easily as academics. But you're going to keep at it, and you will get better. In eighth grade, you will start nearly every game AND be named the team's Most Improved Player. Good job, kid. You earned it.
Things aren't all roses, though. You're going to experience your first taste of heartbreak. Get used to it. It becomes a recurring theme for us. Later in life it won't always be your fault. This time it was. At this point, you still don't have much confidence. You're tall and thin now, but you still haven't grown into yourself yet, so to speak. After you fail with your first crush, you are going to start pursuing her younger sister. I shouldn't have to tell you that this is a bad idea, but we don't always think things all the way through.
The end of 7th grade will be bliss, but 8th grade will be challenging, not from an academic standpoint but from a social one. New classmates will test the bonds that your class made the previous year, and the increase of hormones will break the cohesion of the group. You will become frustrated with your classmates as well as your teammates on the basketball team, but you need to realize that life goes on, and nothing that happens at this point will have any bearing on your future.
This is the point of the note where I impart some wisdom to you to get you through the next year and a half. First of all, believe in yourself. Stop fearing failure. Too often you will sell yourself short, especially romantically. You always look at yourself as the underdog and don't believe that you're good enough for the girls that you are interested in. This lack of confidence will make you start to press and do silly things. I wish I could say you fully grow out of this, but at 25, we still do some stupid things every now and then. Don't block your own path. You're a good kid with a good heart. Sometimes you trust people a little too much. Don't let others make you bitter by their mistreatment of you. Stay who you are, because who you are is probably more awesome than you realize.
I don't know how this story ends. I'm still living and learning, but I do know what happens in the next chapter. I'll be there soon to help you through it.
Sincerely,
Your 25 Year Old Self
Friday, February 15, 2013
The End of an Era
As I stated at great length in my Apologia, I would not be who I am today without a number of places and people who have influenced me, both in person and online. On January 31, one of those places went away as Stickam shut down for the final time.
I joined Stickam in November of 2008, the same week that I completed student teaching at Richards and for all intents and purposes completed college. I joined the site due to two primary factors: 1) I had an abundance of free time, and 2) I had a webcam that was sitting around collecting dust. From the moment I joined, I knew it was unlike any other place I had seen on the internet. Unlike the message boards I had frequented on GameFAQs and even social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook, you could actually SEE all these people in real time.
With in my first couple months on the site, I was able to make connections with a number of people. I have never really been one to put myself out there, but I soon realized it wasn't hard to do so from the comfort of my own bedroom. And shockingly, people actually liked me!
Me being me, I eventually used the site as my own personal dating service. Being educated, well-spoken, and decent looking put me ahead of the curve, and it was what helped me gain the initial attention of Shannon and Jannelle, the two women that have shaped the romantic portion of my adult life more than any others. Meeting them (and any other marginal romantic pursuit)taught me things about myself, taught me things I should NOT do again in the future, and enabled me to grow as a person.
In addition to the romantic pursuits I had with Stickammers, I was able to make a number of meaningful friendships. I have met people from nearly every state and from a half dozen different countries. I would name them all individually, but it would take too much time and I would run the risk of forgetting someone and offending them. Over the past 4+ years, I have not seen or heard from my lifelong friends nearly as much as I had in years past. Sometimes it feels like we have grown completely out of touch. So it was nice to have met other people who have filled that void admirably. I have met nearly a dozen of them in person, and I hope to meet more in the future.
The site had its negatives, too. Was there unnecessary drama at times? Of course. Were there some people who I wish I had never met? Certainly. Did I waste too much time there instead of doing more productive things? Probably. But it was a place for people like me: weary people on the road from where they were to where they wanted to be. Over the course of my time there I met people from nearly every profession: students, teachers, musicians, tattoo artists, etc. Most of us probably wouldn't have ever hit it off if we had met in person, because we came from different backgrounds and had different interests. We came together because we wanted a place to get away from things for a little while.
Will I miss the site? Definitely. It had been the one constant in my adult life to this point. But am I ready to move on? Absolutely! I won't forget Stickam or the people I met there, but I am ready to move forward. It was a good four years, but it's time for a new era.
I joined Stickam in November of 2008, the same week that I completed student teaching at Richards and for all intents and purposes completed college. I joined the site due to two primary factors: 1) I had an abundance of free time, and 2) I had a webcam that was sitting around collecting dust. From the moment I joined, I knew it was unlike any other place I had seen on the internet. Unlike the message boards I had frequented on GameFAQs and even social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook, you could actually SEE all these people in real time.
With in my first couple months on the site, I was able to make connections with a number of people. I have never really been one to put myself out there, but I soon realized it wasn't hard to do so from the comfort of my own bedroom. And shockingly, people actually liked me!
Me being me, I eventually used the site as my own personal dating service. Being educated, well-spoken, and decent looking put me ahead of the curve, and it was what helped me gain the initial attention of Shannon and Jannelle, the two women that have shaped the romantic portion of my adult life more than any others. Meeting them (and any other marginal romantic pursuit)taught me things about myself, taught me things I should NOT do again in the future, and enabled me to grow as a person.
In addition to the romantic pursuits I had with Stickammers, I was able to make a number of meaningful friendships. I have met people from nearly every state and from a half dozen different countries. I would name them all individually, but it would take too much time and I would run the risk of forgetting someone and offending them. Over the past 4+ years, I have not seen or heard from my lifelong friends nearly as much as I had in years past. Sometimes it feels like we have grown completely out of touch. So it was nice to have met other people who have filled that void admirably. I have met nearly a dozen of them in person, and I hope to meet more in the future.
The site had its negatives, too. Was there unnecessary drama at times? Of course. Were there some people who I wish I had never met? Certainly. Did I waste too much time there instead of doing more productive things? Probably. But it was a place for people like me: weary people on the road from where they were to where they wanted to be. Over the course of my time there I met people from nearly every profession: students, teachers, musicians, tattoo artists, etc. Most of us probably wouldn't have ever hit it off if we had met in person, because we came from different backgrounds and had different interests. We came together because we wanted a place to get away from things for a little while.
Will I miss the site? Definitely. It had been the one constant in my adult life to this point. But am I ready to move on? Absolutely! I won't forget Stickam or the people I met there, but I am ready to move forward. It was a good four years, but it's time for a new era.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
The Right Fit
Here I am, single as usual, on the fourteenth of February, so it is my obligation to post something on this day. It really isn't a pity party/"woe is me" sort of thing. It's just what I do.
I have recently given more thought to the idea of a future with a significant other than I had in the past. I can't really pinpoint why. Maybe I'm more mature now, with having my own classroom and the stresses that accompany that. Maybe it's because I'm seeing both real life and online friends begin to settle down. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to 30 than to 20. Whatever the reason, there has been a change in my thinking.
I have long made a habit of pursuing people who were really not available. By that I do not mean that I exclusively pursued women who already had significant others. But I did pursue a great many people who either lived a vast distance from me or who were emotionally unavailable (and some women who met both criteria). It was always easier that way. I never had to deal with the daily commitments that a healthy relationship should have, and I had built-in excuses to soften the blow if/when things inevitably did not work out.
Things have changed, though. I'm not really in the market for something hollow, meaningless, or a road leading to nowhere. While I am certainly not saying that I would rule out anything that is long distance (as there are a plethora of lovely women who live outside the borders of Illinois), that is no longer an unconscious prerequisite.
When I say I am ready for something, I am not just ready to pounce on the first interested or interesting thing that crosses my path. I know what I am looking for, and I am willing to ride it out until the right fit comes along. I am content with my life to not need to force anything. I know I still have a long way to go as a person. I still catch myself making some of the same silly mistakes and decisions that my 13 year old self made or would have made. But I'm getting there, and I'm getting ready for that right fit.
I have recently given more thought to the idea of a future with a significant other than I had in the past. I can't really pinpoint why. Maybe I'm more mature now, with having my own classroom and the stresses that accompany that. Maybe it's because I'm seeing both real life and online friends begin to settle down. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to 30 than to 20. Whatever the reason, there has been a change in my thinking.
I have long made a habit of pursuing people who were really not available. By that I do not mean that I exclusively pursued women who already had significant others. But I did pursue a great many people who either lived a vast distance from me or who were emotionally unavailable (and some women who met both criteria). It was always easier that way. I never had to deal with the daily commitments that a healthy relationship should have, and I had built-in excuses to soften the blow if/when things inevitably did not work out.
Things have changed, though. I'm not really in the market for something hollow, meaningless, or a road leading to nowhere. While I am certainly not saying that I would rule out anything that is long distance (as there are a plethora of lovely women who live outside the borders of Illinois), that is no longer an unconscious prerequisite.
When I say I am ready for something, I am not just ready to pounce on the first interested or interesting thing that crosses my path. I know what I am looking for, and I am willing to ride it out until the right fit comes along. I am content with my life to not need to force anything. I know I still have a long way to go as a person. I still catch myself making some of the same silly mistakes and decisions that my 13 year old self made or would have made. But I'm getting there, and I'm getting ready for that right fit.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
2013: Keeping it simple
As 2012 came to a close and 2013 rushed in, I could not get past the idea that I needed to follow up my extremely productive 2012 with an even more impressive and spectacular 2013. I began to rack my brain for grandiose ideas for making 2013 amazing. As I struggled to come up with ideas, I became increasingly frustrated by myself. Then it finally hit me: I am in such a different place in my life than I was a year ago. I am not in this arduous process of becoming who I want to be. I am already there. There are certainly things that I would like to change (namely the idea that I would ultimately like to not be single if and when the right situation presents itself), but I've done all the things I've really wanted to do. I am not looking for wide-scale changes but merely some fine tuning. Therefore, my 2013 To-Do list is short and simple. It is as follows:
1. Make it through each day with just enough in me to make it through the next day.
2. Smile more. Life isn't a joke, but it isn't to be taken seriously ALL the time.
3. Take nothing personally. Even life's most bitter pills can be lessened with a clearer head and a more calculated response.
4. Continue to live purposefully. Life without purpose is pointless.
That's it. It's all I want for 2013, and really, it's all I need.
1. Make it through each day with just enough in me to make it through the next day.
2. Smile more. Life isn't a joke, but it isn't to be taken seriously ALL the time.
3. Take nothing personally. Even life's most bitter pills can be lessened with a clearer head and a more calculated response.
4. Continue to live purposefully. Life without purpose is pointless.
That's it. It's all I want for 2013, and really, it's all I need.
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