A little while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is the first in the series.
Letter to Jakob Duehr: to be received November 14, 2008
Dear Jakob,
Right now you are feeling like you’re on top of the world. You deserve to feel that way, as you have accomplished some amazing things this year. You finally got your weight under control, you gained some confidence for the first time in your life, and as of today, you completed student teaching. For all intents and purposes, you are done with college. And you have managed to do all of this while flying under the radar, just the way you like it.
If you feel great now, the next period of your life will be even greater. You are really going to find yourself, especially when it comes to finding your hobbies and passions. There are going to be bands and television shows that you absolutely fall head over heels for. You are going to do some traveling with your closest friends, seeing places like Downtown Chicago, Detroit (which you will not be impressed with), Washington, D.C., and Florida. You’ll get to see a Royal Rumble (and, sorry to spoil it for you, but you’ll get to see Randy Orton win). Your newfound good looks and confidence will attract the attention of some people you failed to attract over the years. You and Stacie are going to start hanging out. You’re even going to go for coffee with a Jackson!
In addition to that vindication, you are about to meet two women who will occupy a good portion of your thoughts. They are two sides of the same coin. In many ways, both are exactly what you are looking for. You’ll be surprised with the early success that you will find with them, and you’ll be shocked at the lengths you’ll go to make things work.
To all this I have one thing to say: Enjoy it while it lasts.
The period of your life that follows will be the darkest period of your life. It will make 2005 seem like a walk in the park. As quickly as you rose to the top of your world, you will engage in an endless freefall.
Getting a job won’t be as easy as you thought. The economy is tanking, and you’re going to feel it. The jobs you will take won’t be anything like the dream job you’ve imagined, and they will be a long way away from your days at Richards. You will come close to getting a couple jobs, but you will fall just short. Your home district won’t even take you. You will work as a substitute teacher, engaging in daily struggles for respect both with your students and your peers. You will never know in advance whether or not you are working. You will learn to sleep with the phone by your pillow. You will also work at a learning center, teaching subjects and grade levels you never dreamed of teaching. Perhaps you could have avoided some of this by being more diligent in the job search, but maybe not. Prepare to be continually humbled.
Some days it will be a struggle just to wake up. In fact, there will be some days that you only get out of bed in order to see Buttons, your cat (you still love her dearly). Family will be good to you, but there will be tough times. If I told you about 2010, you wouldn’t want to go on. Your friends who have been by your side for life will gradually leave you in order to pursue adulthood and careers. You will feel alone, and you will not like it. You will spend more and more time online trying to fill the void, but you will come up empty.
Those two women I talked about earlier will cause you more grief than anything. For one reason or another, things will fail with both, and it will leave you heartbroken. Your trip to Florida will culminate in one of the worst days of your life. In fact, it was really the day that started this whole spiral. After a while, you’ll realize that the other young woman was really the one you’ve fallen for, despite her complications, and you will wholeheartedly pursue that. Sadly, it will often seem that you cannot rise above the complications, and it will leave you feeling like a loser. You will engage in a number of half-hearted pursuits that never really get anywhere because no one compares to her. Despite the complications, you will continue to believe that one day the two of you will have a happy ending.
This growing despair and burden of unreached potential will weigh on you, and it will catch up to every area of your life. You know that newfound body you’re so proud of? You will gain MORE THAN HALF of the weight back. You will step on the scale one day and be horrified to see that you weigh over 200 pounds.
Thankfully, this is not where the story ends. I am not writing this to you inside a padded room weighing 300 pounds. We will recover. We will succeed. But I say one thing to you.
It won’t be easy.
You are finally ready to not only take life’s best shots but strike back. You will engage in a serious diet and exercise regimen and lose all 35 of those pounds (in fewer than 2 months)! After making fun of your dad for years about his running, you will take up running yourself. You will run a full marathon after running for only five months. You will still see your friends every now and then. You will go to concerts and WWE shows and cherish the memories you do make. You’ll take a trip to Seattle and walk on Century Link Field (yeah, it changed its name). After another near miss with a job, you’ll actually nab that elusive full time job. That job will be a daily challenge, but you will have daily productivity and won’t have to sleep with the phone by your side. I wish I could tell you that life is easy, but that’s not the case. However, it is purposeful, and after how far we had fallen, that is nothing to look down upon.
If you’d allow me, I’d like to give you some words of advice.
• Keep an even keel. Enjoy the good times, but don’t get too high or too low. The bad times will come, and they will not be enjoyable in the slightest. Ride them out.
• Appreciate those who are there for you. Nobody HAS to help you. They do it because they want to. Don’t take that for granted.
• Listen to others. I know we often feel like we know best, but sometimes we don’t. Taking advice is not a sign of weakness.
• Don’t be so afraid of failing. We’ve failed a lot. We’ll fail some more. Deal with it. Be refined by it.
So, I don’t know how the story ends. There are a lot of unwritten chapters. All I know is it will be an adventure. It always is.
