"Everything I try seems so impossible. Everything I have would be enough for someone else but I want more."

*Title taken from "End of the World Delight" by The Graduate

I know this may come as a great shock to many of you, so you may want to sit down while reading the following sentence. I am not without flaws. In fact, I have several of them. I know this puts me on the same level as approximately 7 billion other people. That said, I don’t like having some of these flaws. If you will, please allow me the indulgence of putting some thoughts into writing, and we’ll see if we can take care of some of these issues.

I actually touched on this a little more than a year ago on this very blog (feel free to click the link for a brief refresher). I am by nature a driven person. When I determine that I want something, I let virtually nothing stand in my way until I reach that end. In some cases, that has been a great thing. Without that drive, I would not have lost weight or run two marathons. I would not have done nearly as well in grad school if I did not have the focus that has become a hallmark of my adult years. The problem, however, lies when instantaneous success is not an option.

When things do not go my way, I tend to press. There is a flaw in my line of thinking that to this point I have been unable to fix. I get so focused on my end goal and the fear that it will elude my grasp that I lose sight of how I got that far in the first place (and eventually I lose sight of who I am). I become so worried about losing (whether it is an opportunity, a relationship, or something else) that the Jakob at the end is nowhere close to the same Jakob who started.

Case in point: In 2012, I was fresh off the success of having lost weight and was buoyed by confidence after having completed my first marathon. However, I quickly found that the taste of success left me hungry for more. I knew that I could not go on any longer as a substitute teacher. I had to have a greater sense of fulfillment, so I began to work towards that end. A strange thing happened that year, though. I was so driven to have purpose in my life and “act like an adult” that in many ways I lost sight of myself. I stayed clean-shaven for a good portion of the year because I thought that was how an adult should look. I even briefly abandoned my pop punk styling in favor of more “mature” tastes. In fact, I was looking at the “2012 by my Arbitrary Lists” posts the other day and was astonished how my music tastes were far more different that year than any other year. It was a direct result of my single-mindedness. Yes, 2012 was ultimately a success, but in hindsight, it would have been considerably more enjoyable if I had stayed “Jakob” in the process instead of the Jakob I thought I needed to be.

The issue of desire getting in the way really comes into play in my personal life. I met someone a year ago, and we hit it off right away. Things grew organically because there was no pressure or expectation for it to grow any certain way. I can say we honestly enjoyed the company of one another, as we spent nearly all day everyday (work hours permitting) in contact with one another. Then two funny things happened in quick succession. First, we had our first disagreement. In the grand scheme of things, it was only a minor squabble, but it set me on a different course. It did so because (2) I finally came to the realization that “Oh my goodness. I really really really (yes, three reallys) want us to be together.”

From that moment on, I lost all ability to be natural. I gradually stopped being me and started morphing into this representation of what I either thought she needed or thought that I was supposed to be. Unsurprisingly, this method has not been particularly successful. It is a testament to how well we connected in the beginning that we still have contact. What I think troubles me the most is that I recognize this issue within myself, yet my desire overrides my ability to act naturally to the point that I am constantly tripping over my own feet and probably frustrating both her and myself in the process. For her sake and mine, I need to get better at this. That doesn't mean that I need to lose my interest in her (because that isn't going to happen). I do need to get better at how I approach things as a result of this interest.

Part of this problem can be attributed to my process of valuing. Before I have the ability to truly care about something, I play it particularly cool. I can rock the first impressions like a pro. Actually, once I stop caring about something, I have the ability to return to my initial levels of coolness. You can talk to a number of former interests of mine, and they will probably tell you that they liked me most when they first met me—and after I stopped liking them!

So there’s the issue. I do not want to stop caring about the things I care about. They are my hopes, dreams, and goals for a reason, after all. However, if I approach them with the intensity and tenacity that I have traditionally done, I exponentially increase the likelihood of alienating myself from others, burning myself out, and losing sight of who I am in the process. I want to get better at this. I need to get better at this. I just have to find a way…

Jakob and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Edward Jones Dome

It’s probably no surprise to anyone at this point that 2014 has been a struggle for me. While it has not reached the level of bleakness that 2013 had, 2014 has been particularly frustrating because I have felt myself so close to my goals and dreams on a number of occasions, only to be detoured. Perhaps one of the most frustrating things is that even the things that I try to use as diversions from the daily frustrations have been frustrating in and of themselves. Yesterday was a prime example.

This past weekend, I went to St. Louis to see my beloved Seahawks face the Rams. Since it is a four and a half hour drive, we had to leave first thing in the morning. Even though I was quite drowsy, I was too excited to care. It’s not every day that I get to see my team play in person.

By the time we got to the stadium, things went downhill. From previous experiences I knew that most stadiums open their doors around two hours before kickoff so that fans can get settled, watch pregame warm-ups, and even try to get some autographs. However, the Rams’ stadium opened at 10:30 after the warm-ups were done. The entrance procedures were ridiculous and arbitrary, as some people funneled through nonexistent lines and some others were inexplicably exempt from the metal detector. Not quite the start I was looking for.

Once we finally got to our seats, we were amazed by how good they were. If I wanted, I could’ve thrown my phone and hit a player with it (I probably wouldn’t even have been removed from the game because security was a joke). I did not see or notice any ushers or stadium security. Many of St. Louis’ finest took advantage of this, as they went and sat wherever they wanted. Most people who sat in one of the six rows in front of me did not actually pay for one of those tickets but rather found a way to get to these seats. Of course, these people were not decent human beings in the slightest. As a Seahawks fan, I am used to friendly banter in opposing stadiums, but these people took it to another level by yelling, cursing, and calling me names. It’s one thing to have fun but another to try to start something with a complete stranger just for the color of the jersey they are wearing.

I’ve made it this far without making a mention of the actual game. Unfortunately, the Seahawks lost. They made too many mistakes on special teams throughout the game, and the Rams capitalized. However, even if they had won 100-0, it would’ve been a frustrating experience. After the game, all we wanted to do was go home. Much like everything else, even this did not go well. The city closed off the ONE road that we needed to get back into Illinois. Our GPS started going crazy and tried to lead us into the Mississippi River! Because of the GPS, the road closures, and the inept St. Louis police, it took an extra hour to get home, and we finally made it home at 8:30. After that experience, I truly hope the Rams move back to Los Angeles. St. Louis doesn’t deserve them.

I was hoping for a day that I would never forget. I probably should have been more specific with that hope.

What It Takes

I am the type of person who tries to find inspiration from anything and everywhere. My Twitter is full of retweets from people as different as Andrew W.K. and Russell Wilson. I try to find things that connect with me and (ideally) push me in the direction in which I want to travel. This summer, I heard a song called “What It Takes” by a band named City Lights. Both parts of the chorus truly resonated with me in very different ways.

Is this real? Am I just killing time, travelling on a road that leads to nowhere?
In life, it’s not enough to have all the tools necessary to succeed. We have to put all those pieces together in order to achieve lasting success. Life doesn’t give us rewards based on potential. Sometimes, that process of putting things together can make us feel as if we are wandering aimlessly.

Hearing those first lines of the chorus transported me back to junior high. I had just received Donkey Kong 64 as a birthday gift, and I was really excited to dig into the game. I had finished the tutorial and was ready to play the first level, but there was one problem. I had absolutely no idea how to get to that level. My fun was awaiting me, and I knew once I reached the level I would be fine, but getting there was something that wasn’t easy for me.

There are parallels between that story and my life. I am well aware of the things I want from life, and I understand that there are some things about myself that need to be tweaked a bit in order for me to finally get to where I want to be. I know I have the tools; I’m just not always the best at putting everything together (my dad says that my life sometimes is the equivalent of putting together a puzzle in the dark; that is, I take an already difficult task and needlessly complicate it). Sometimes I feel like I am just killing time travelling aimlessly. But there is one piece of knowledge that separates the Jakob of today from the kid who was playing Donkey Kong. I realize that guidance is the quickest way to get off that aimless road. Yes, I still make some of the same mistakes that have plagued me for years, but I’m getting better. I am so appreciative of the guidance that I receive from many. Slowly but surely, the pieces are coming together.

Today’s the day. I won’t give up the fight. Instead I’m gonna prove I’ve got what it takes.
The first half of the chorus was a bit pensive and dreary, but the second half of the chorus comes out swinging. We all deal with adversity and self-doubt. We wonder if the road we are travelling is truly worth it or if all it is going to lead to is a dead end and the subsequent frustration that accompanies dead ends. Setbacks are inevitable. I have yet to meet a person who has gone through his or her life undefeated. But the simple fact that we have lost before does not doom us to live the existence of a loser for the entirety of our lives. It is on us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, look ourselves in the mirror, and say with conviction “I’ve got this.” We have the pieces we need to get to where we want to go. Yes, we may not have made it there yet. BUT THAT ENDS TODAY. The path to our someday starts now. There is no reason to give up. Keep fighting, and you will get there. I’m learning how to be a better me. I’m shaking old habits and learning not to focus so much on the past or future. I’m not there yet, but I will be there soon enough. I’ve got what it takes. So do you. It’s time we prove it.