2017 has been a year of growing (and outgrowing) certain roles, traditions, and niches that I had cast for myself. As such, the traditional format of this post has evolved as well. This year didn’t have the nicely categorized major events that would fit neatly into a month-by-month format. I didn’t really think you all needed or wanted to read something like June: Big fight with someone. October: Bigger fight with someone. Honestly, the growth that was made this year isn’t something that happened as the result of one catalyzing event but rather was the result of gradual focus and effort, which I believe is best served with a broader narrative approach. With all that said, here was my 2017.
When the calendar turned to 2017, I was honestly feeling pretty burned out at my job. I honestly don’t think I had developed the proper mindset to do the job well and was still harboring resentment from how my previous job had ended. In many regards, I still pined for Prairie-Hills. However, I began to make a concerted effort to remain calm and peaceful and to not let anything throw me off. When I returned to work from Winter Break, there was a marked change in my demeanor and my patience with the students. Many remarked how much calmer I was.
This change in approach enabled me to come to a deeper understanding of the students I was tasked with serving. I learned which students required the finesse approach and which ones needed a metaphorical fire lit under their rears. I found better ways of reaching them. The fact that well over 90% of my students passed their Constitution Test was a testament to the success of this approach.
I had my bumps along the way with that group, but I can honestly say that we formed a bond that is stronger than the average teacher/student bond. The fact that over a quarter of these students come to visit me on a (mostly) daily basis is something I value more than they probably even realize. As instrumental I may or may not have been to their growth, they were and are an integral component to my growth as an educator and as a person.
At the beginning of the year, I wanted to take an enhanced focus on my physical wellbeing. Those of you who know me well know that exercise has been an important component of my life for a number of years, but I wanted to test the limits of what I could accomplish by putting an extreme amount of focus into my workouts. Consequently, I started 2017 by going to the gym twice a day. I would complete cardio before work, lift after work, and work on my abs and core nightly at home. The results were phenomenal. I found that even though I considered myself in fairly good shape, I could transform myself into elite shape rather quickly. By May, I was in the best shape of my life. Unfortunately, I let life’s stressors get in the way of that focus and output, and for most of the second half of the year I neglected the cardio and abdominal work. But I enter 2018 knowing what I am capable of accomplishing and look forward to continuing my ascent.
Turning 30 was something that I dreaded for a while. I felt like my 20s were a decade spent playing catch up from the stunted development that was my adolescence (and was largely the result of the fundamentalist Pentecostal “guilt culture” that defined my youth). However, when the day came, I realized that age was merely a mile marker and that the checkpoints that I was so insistent on using to define the productivity of my life were merely a product of my own perceptions and misconceptions. I realized that at 30, I’ve done some things. I’ll do more things. There is not one set route to get from one end of the game of life to the other, and that’s okay.
I don’t really talk about my personal life on social media anymore (for good reason), but I feel like I would be remiss if I didn’t tell the whole story of this year. This portion of 2017 is very important to the whole story. I had a best friend and fell in love with her. I don’t know which came first, the realization that she was my best friend or that I had fallen in love with her. Honestly, they both probably happened at the same time, and both happened before 2017. I entered the year very excited to see where the year would take us. She was my biggest fan, my greatest supporter, my encourager and calming force. She was the one I was most excited to go to with good news and the first one I wanted to vent about my bad days to. She was the first girl I ever knew that not only tolerated the most ridiculous parts of me but actually appreciated them. We spent many nights texting, FaceTiming, or talking on the phone before bed.
Things changed in June. She began to be more distant without rhyme or reason. Finally at the end of the month, things came to a head. We got into a big fight. Unfortunately that fight was merely the snowball that avalanched into months of fights that only got worse and more personal. Something had changed with her, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I knew that there had to be something in her life causing her to lash out this way, but she tends to be a lone wolf, and all I could do was love her from a distance. After our worst fight in October, she did eventually come back and apologize, but for the most part she’s been absent since. I know things will not remain this way forever, but I would be lying if I said it hasn’t affected me.
Losing my best friend was something that completely wrecked me. I started waking up in the middle of the night with stomach pains and/or panic attacks. I had such great difficulties in falling asleep and then staying asleep. I was about to embark on my doctorate, and for the first time in my career as a student, I lacked the self-belief that I could accomplish this objective. I stopped working out as hard. I lost my catalyst.
Through this pain came a valuable lesson. It is great to be in love. It is great to have a best friend. However, I could not rely on this person as my catalyst. I had to be strong enough in myself to do the things I needed to do. I didn’t need to save her and she didn’t need to save me. For us to eventually work out someday we didn’t need to be two halves; we needed to both be whole. For this, I credit my friend Chelsey. She had been my friend for years, but this summer she really took charge and helped me get a hold of my life and get a hold of myself. She explained to me that I needed to do the work myself in some areas if I ever wanted the other areas to fall in place. I needed to break old habits, to grow out of old roles, and do things that might initially seem counterintuitive in order to get to where I ultimately want to be.
Breaking out of old roles and easing into new ones has not been particularly easy, but it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Those of you who have known me in person for a while know that for a long time, I have been content to fly under the radar and fade into the background. I have long preferred to do my thing without being noticed or bothered. However, I realized that sometimes that mindset impedes you from accomplishing that which you wish to accomplish. At work, I have found myself as the one who speaks up for my team. When there is a better way of doing something, I do not hesitate to bring it up. When things are not quite right, I found my voice to speak up. I have found that if I do not stand up for myself and for others, there is no guarantee that anyone else will. I carry myself with more confidence and authority. I still have a ways to go in terms of growing into this role (in extended family gatherings, for example, I haven’t yet found this voice), but I am proud of the growth I have made in that regard.
I no longer look at challenges as insurmountable. I know what I can accomplish because I can look back on what I have accomplished. I am 19 hours into my doctoral program. Yes, I still have 45 more hours of classes and a dissertation to complete, but I have conquered and will continue to conquer. In a short time, I will be Dr. Duehr. I know that work might continue to throw unexpected curveballs my way, but I can adapt and adjust, and I WILL continue to reach these kids by being nobody other than myself. I will get into even greater shape in 2018.
While I realize that I have accomplished much of what I have accomplished on my own and without the help of others, I have not taken this journey completely alone. From parents who put up with me on a daily basis to family in Maryland who allow me to crash in their downstairs nook to current coworkers who put up with my silliness to old coworkers who still check up on me, from childhood friends who catch up sporadically to GameFAQs and Stickam friends who became family to newer friends made in the most random of places, I appreciate each and every one of you. 2017 was a challenge, but as I write all of this, I realize that the year was not as dire as I often perceived it to be. Most pieces are falling into place, and if I maintain my focus and resolve, I will continue my ascent.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Saturday, December 30, 2017
2017 in List Form
Even though the year was not great in many ways, my outlets for entertainment and/or distraction were of high quality. Music was especially important this year. As always, I throw out the disclaimer that this by no means is a definitive list of anything. It’s just one guy’s preferences of what he liked in a given year.
Songs
1. Day at the Fair – Thankful
2. As It Is – No Way Out
3. Falling in Reverse – I’m Bad at Life
4. Acceptance – Come Closer
5. You Me at Six – Take On the World
6. Have Mercy – Smoke and Lace
7. Silverstein – Ghost
8. Bleachers – All My Heroes
9. Julia Michaels – Issues
10. Papa Roach – Periscope
11. Ed Sheeran – Perfect
12. All Time Low – Ground Control
13. Neck Deep – Critical Mistake
14. The Maine – Black Butterflies and Deja Vu
15. Imagine Dragons – Whatever It Takes
16. New Found Glory – The Sound of Two Voices
17. Weezer – Feels Like Summer
Albums
1. As It Is – Okay
2. Day at the Fair – The Epilogue
3. Silverstein – Dead Reflection
4. Neck Deep – The Peace and the Panic
5. Have Mercy – Make the Best of It
6. Manchester Orchestra – A Black Mile to the Sun
7. You Me at Six – Night People
8. Falling in Reverse – Coming Home
9. Ed Sheeran – Divide
10. Acceptance – Colliding by Design
11. Brand New – Science Fiction
12. The Maine – Lovely Little Lonely
13. All Time Low – Last Young Renegade
14. Seaway – Vacation
15. The Killers – Wonderful Wonderful
16. Bleachers – Gone Now
17. Lights – Skin & Earth
TV Shows
1. Mr. Robot
2. Suits
3.NCIS: Los Angeles
4. Impractical Jokers
5. WWE SmackDown Live (judge me all you want)
Sports Moments
1. Seahawks defeat Lions in playoffs
2. Cubs advance to NLCS by beating Nationals
3. Seahawks dominate Eagles
4. Ottawa Senators take the Penguins to the limit
5. Dolph Ziggler wins US Title (and subsequently gives it up because he’s Dolph Ziggler)
Personal Moments
Like last year, these will just be bullet points
•Catching up with Nick after 8 years
•New friendships with people from a variety of backgrounds and places
•Visiting Maryland in April, June, August, and November
•Writing my students letters and making them cry
•Starting on my doctorate
•The unexpected fun of critiquing a live Ariana Grande concert with my sister and my cousin
•Debriefing calls with Chelsey after she’s read my unfortunate text conversations
•The random weird mall in Bloomingdale that I unexpectedly discovered
•Going to Indiana for gummies(~!)
•Watching my students rock the Constitution Test
•Vistis with Hadley
•Calls, texts, Skype, and FaceTime with Myrna to end our nights by hearing each other's voice (Oh, how I miss these…)
•Dinners with Aunt Dianna
•Staff outings that are unexpectedly enjoyable
•Searching for and finding new vinyl records
Songs
1. Day at the Fair – Thankful
2. As It Is – No Way Out
3. Falling in Reverse – I’m Bad at Life
4. Acceptance – Come Closer
5. You Me at Six – Take On the World
6. Have Mercy – Smoke and Lace
7. Silverstein – Ghost
8. Bleachers – All My Heroes
9. Julia Michaels – Issues
10. Papa Roach – Periscope
11. Ed Sheeran – Perfect
12. All Time Low – Ground Control
13. Neck Deep – Critical Mistake
14. The Maine – Black Butterflies and Deja Vu
15. Imagine Dragons – Whatever It Takes
16. New Found Glory – The Sound of Two Voices
17. Weezer – Feels Like Summer
Albums
1. As It Is – Okay
2. Day at the Fair – The Epilogue
3. Silverstein – Dead Reflection
4. Neck Deep – The Peace and the Panic
5. Have Mercy – Make the Best of It
6. Manchester Orchestra – A Black Mile to the Sun
7. You Me at Six – Night People
8. Falling in Reverse – Coming Home
9. Ed Sheeran – Divide
10. Acceptance – Colliding by Design
11. Brand New – Science Fiction
12. The Maine – Lovely Little Lonely
13. All Time Low – Last Young Renegade
14. Seaway – Vacation
15. The Killers – Wonderful Wonderful
16. Bleachers – Gone Now
17. Lights – Skin & Earth
TV Shows
1. Mr. Robot
2. Suits
3.NCIS: Los Angeles
4. Impractical Jokers
5. WWE SmackDown Live (judge me all you want)
Sports Moments
1. Seahawks defeat Lions in playoffs
2. Cubs advance to NLCS by beating Nationals
3. Seahawks dominate Eagles
4. Ottawa Senators take the Penguins to the limit
5. Dolph Ziggler wins US Title (and subsequently gives it up because he’s Dolph Ziggler)
Personal Moments
Like last year, these will just be bullet points
•Catching up with Nick after 8 years
•New friendships with people from a variety of backgrounds and places
•Visiting Maryland in April, June, August, and November
•Writing my students letters and making them cry
•Starting on my doctorate
•The unexpected fun of critiquing a live Ariana Grande concert with my sister and my cousin
•Debriefing calls with Chelsey after she’s read my unfortunate text conversations
•The random weird mall in Bloomingdale that I unexpectedly discovered
•Going to Indiana for gummies(~!)
•Watching my students rock the Constitution Test
•Vistis with Hadley
•Calls, texts, Skype, and FaceTime with Myrna to end our nights by hearing each other's voice (Oh, how I miss these…)
•Dinners with Aunt Dianna
•Staff outings that are unexpectedly enjoyable
•Searching for and finding new vinyl records
Saturday, July 8, 2017
The Doctor Will Be In Shortly (2.5 - 3 Years)
If you know me well, you know that I lack the ability to stay content with myself for any extended period of time. Anything that I have had the privilege of accomplishing only satisfies me temporarily. I know that this quality of mine is not necessarily the best quality to have, but it always keeps me hungry for the next thing. After a period of consideration, I have found my latest and greatest “next thing”, and I am ready to share it with all of you. I will be starting on my doctorate in August of this year.
Getting my master’s degree was an accomplishment in and of itself, and it opened doors that had long been closed in my life. I had never even gotten looks at Prairie-Hills or Kellar until I had that extra bit of education. However, the master’s degree was never my endgame. I didn’t want to stop there. I knew that someday I wanted to go further. I just didn’t know that day would come so soon.
Working in education, I see the world shifting in some directions for which I do not particularly care. It’s not an easy time to be revolving around the sun as a patron of this planet, that’s for sure. I feel blessed to be able to do what I do and attempt to make a measure of difference, but unfortunately my direct scope is limited to the students I teach. That means I really only get to directly affect change in 105 people at a time. I’m sorry, but that just isn’t enough for me anymore. I don’t want my footprint to be that small. I want to do more and broaden my scope. Pursuing my doctorate will enable me to do just that.
With a doctorate, my possibilities within the field of education expand exponentially. I can reach college students, especially those who are nearly ready to embark on their own career within the field of education. I can assume a leadership position at a school or district level and be able to affect change that reaches an entire school or district of schools rather than simply a classroom of students. With this degree I could assume leadership roles within educational companies that could directly impact curriculum and the presentation of education in myriad schools and districts. While I am currently unclear of precisely the next route I wish to travel in my educational journey, I do know that I want to broaden my scope of influence, and this degree will go a long way toward allowing me to reach that end.
I want to be able to do more for the people around me who I care about that are in need. As a teacher, I am unfortunately limited by my salary. Compensation is not the greatest. Moving onward and upward would help me to reach more in a greater, tangible way, and that is something that greatly excites me.
I do not expect this to be easy. Even as I write this, my excitement is tempered by the reality that this task is quite daunting. The idea of composing a dissertation is not one that particularly appeals to me. That said, this is the best time for me to do this. I am not married. I do not have any children of my own. The longer I put this off, the longer the odds that I will ever see this through. I am at the point in my life where I NEED to see certain things through, even if I have to travel to the ends of the earth to make them happen.
This is going to take a lot of my time, thoughts, and energy, but I will be a better person for having completed this. The idea of being a doctor at the age of 32 does sound rather appealing. I’m understandably apprehensive, but I’ve got this. Please support me along the way.
Getting my master’s degree was an accomplishment in and of itself, and it opened doors that had long been closed in my life. I had never even gotten looks at Prairie-Hills or Kellar until I had that extra bit of education. However, the master’s degree was never my endgame. I didn’t want to stop there. I knew that someday I wanted to go further. I just didn’t know that day would come so soon.
Working in education, I see the world shifting in some directions for which I do not particularly care. It’s not an easy time to be revolving around the sun as a patron of this planet, that’s for sure. I feel blessed to be able to do what I do and attempt to make a measure of difference, but unfortunately my direct scope is limited to the students I teach. That means I really only get to directly affect change in 105 people at a time. I’m sorry, but that just isn’t enough for me anymore. I don’t want my footprint to be that small. I want to do more and broaden my scope. Pursuing my doctorate will enable me to do just that.
With a doctorate, my possibilities within the field of education expand exponentially. I can reach college students, especially those who are nearly ready to embark on their own career within the field of education. I can assume a leadership position at a school or district level and be able to affect change that reaches an entire school or district of schools rather than simply a classroom of students. With this degree I could assume leadership roles within educational companies that could directly impact curriculum and the presentation of education in myriad schools and districts. While I am currently unclear of precisely the next route I wish to travel in my educational journey, I do know that I want to broaden my scope of influence, and this degree will go a long way toward allowing me to reach that end.
I want to be able to do more for the people around me who I care about that are in need. As a teacher, I am unfortunately limited by my salary. Compensation is not the greatest. Moving onward and upward would help me to reach more in a greater, tangible way, and that is something that greatly excites me.
I do not expect this to be easy. Even as I write this, my excitement is tempered by the reality that this task is quite daunting. The idea of composing a dissertation is not one that particularly appeals to me. That said, this is the best time for me to do this. I am not married. I do not have any children of my own. The longer I put this off, the longer the odds that I will ever see this through. I am at the point in my life where I NEED to see certain things through, even if I have to travel to the ends of the earth to make them happen.
This is going to take a lot of my time, thoughts, and energy, but I will be a better person for having completed this. The idea of being a doctor at the age of 32 does sound rather appealing. I’m understandably apprehensive, but I’ve got this. Please support me along the way.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Behind the Curtain: No Room for Gray
In the last post I touched a little on my manic nature in the areas that on which I place a high level of importance. Nearly a decade ago my friend Jess characterized me as “driven, almost to the point of obsession”. That statement was accurate then and alarmingly accurate now. For maybe the first time, I will humbly attempt to explain that nature as best as I can.
I understand that we live in a world in which the idea of clear-cut, black and white things has become increasingly antiquated. There are so many things for which I do not have the answer. However, when it comes to my own life, goals, and ambitions, my world is entirely black and white. I succeed, or I fail. There is absolutely no middle ground.
When I was younger, I used to take solace in what I deemed the “moral victories”. If I got farther on something than I expected to (yet still failed, mind you), I would take pride in how close I came to succeeding. After a while, those moral victories ceased to have any importance to me. If I set a goal, I fully expect to achieve it. Anything short of that goal is not good enough.
As I have now crossed the threshold of being 30 years old, I have vastly improved on my tendencies to both live in and dwell on the past, but I still struggle in this area in some ways. If someone brings up college, I am quick to remember that I missed out on graduating summa cum laude by .008 grade points. I am quick to remember that I missed out on thousands of dollars in scholarship money by one question on the ACT. For all that I have accomplished and hopefully will continue to accomplish, it is those failures that stick to me.
Perhaps more than any other factor, my manic desire to succeed in the areas that matter to me are driven by desire to avoid the feelings of failure that I have felt too many times in my life to date. I haven’t really had family members or friends call me a failure or tell me that I have disappointed them, so this tendency to be hard on myself is not affected by outside stimuli. I have a very clear picture of what I want my life to be and who I want to become. Some of those pieces are already in place, but for those that are not, I will scratch and claw and work myself to the bone until they happen. Yes, some things are beyond my purview of control, but that doesn’t stop me from maxing out on my effort.
I am so driven because I do not want to wake up in 10 years in the same place that I am now. I do not want to fail myself or others who count on me. Does that mean I beat myself up sometimes? Of course. Does that mean that some of my own feelings of failure occasionally seep into my relationships to the point that I set impossibly high standards for myself? Admittedly yes. But until I can find room for gray in my life, this is how it’s going to be. I will try to be a little easier on myself, but I will always aspire to be more than I currently am.
I understand that we live in a world in which the idea of clear-cut, black and white things has become increasingly antiquated. There are so many things for which I do not have the answer. However, when it comes to my own life, goals, and ambitions, my world is entirely black and white. I succeed, or I fail. There is absolutely no middle ground.
When I was younger, I used to take solace in what I deemed the “moral victories”. If I got farther on something than I expected to (yet still failed, mind you), I would take pride in how close I came to succeeding. After a while, those moral victories ceased to have any importance to me. If I set a goal, I fully expect to achieve it. Anything short of that goal is not good enough.
As I have now crossed the threshold of being 30 years old, I have vastly improved on my tendencies to both live in and dwell on the past, but I still struggle in this area in some ways. If someone brings up college, I am quick to remember that I missed out on graduating summa cum laude by .008 grade points. I am quick to remember that I missed out on thousands of dollars in scholarship money by one question on the ACT. For all that I have accomplished and hopefully will continue to accomplish, it is those failures that stick to me.
Perhaps more than any other factor, my manic desire to succeed in the areas that matter to me are driven by desire to avoid the feelings of failure that I have felt too many times in my life to date. I haven’t really had family members or friends call me a failure or tell me that I have disappointed them, so this tendency to be hard on myself is not affected by outside stimuli. I have a very clear picture of what I want my life to be and who I want to become. Some of those pieces are already in place, but for those that are not, I will scratch and claw and work myself to the bone until they happen. Yes, some things are beyond my purview of control, but that doesn’t stop me from maxing out on my effort.
I am so driven because I do not want to wake up in 10 years in the same place that I am now. I do not want to fail myself or others who count on me. Does that mean I beat myself up sometimes? Of course. Does that mean that some of my own feelings of failure occasionally seep into my relationships to the point that I set impossibly high standards for myself? Admittedly yes. But until I can find room for gray in my life, this is how it’s going to be. I will try to be a little easier on myself, but I will always aspire to be more than I currently am.
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Behind the Curtain: The Storm Behind the Calm
The older I get, the more I realize that there is a bit of a disconnect between the perception of me by acquaintances and the perception of me by those who have gotten to know me at any depth. This blog series will attempt to bridge the divide between those two areas.
People who do not know me very well or people who only see me in a professional setting view me as a very calm person. I am slow to anger, slow to raise my voice, and reticent to respond in any manner other than one that is devoid of emotion or irrational behavior. I have been praised many times for my “calm and stoic demeanor”. I appreciate that characterization, but it amuses me because it is not completely accurate.
Part of the reason I can portray such a calm outward front is because I have mastered the art of compartmentalizing the numerous components of my life. Put simply, I place value on each area of my life. I remain unaffected by the areas that affect me minimally or the areas in which I place little value. If a student acts up in my class, I know that it has virtually nothing to do with me personally and has everything to do with myriad external and internal factors. As a result, I do not let it bother me. Kids are going to be kids. I don’t sweat that stuff.
At any given moment in my life, there are 2-3 things that I am extremely passionate about. All my emotion goes into those things, and I pursue them to a manic (some would say obsessive level). If you talk to me about any of these areas, you won’t see the calm. You won’t catch the quietly confident Jakob. In its place, you will see someone who is scratching and clawing, always doubting himself, chronically over-thinking, and ALWAYS feeling as if he has something to prove. The more I want something, the more my insecurities manifest themselves. I have self-sabotaged many relationships in my life because I simply could not leave well enough alone. I pushed myself to an obsessive level (I will cover this more in my next post) because I have a very difficult time abiding by the timelines of life or the timelines of others. My closest friends and confidants probably characterize me as the storm because I often come to them for advice as to how to clean up my most recent mess.
So, which Jakob is the true Jakob? Am I the calm, or am I the storm? Truthfully, I am probably both. The calm works for me in the areas in which I need it to work. Perhaps to some the calm might come across as blasé, but it works for me. In most areas of my life, I act calmly and rationally and never let the ship get too far off course. But I would be lying to myself and to all of you if I said that the storm didn’t exist. The storm is very real, and as long as I am living I will probably have to figure out a way to weather it. As long as I care deeply about things, I am going to have to fight the urge to obsess and attack them at a manic level. I am going to have to fight the feelings of self-doubt and the chip on my shoulder. Will I ever fully calm the storm? I don’t know. But I will keep trying.
People who do not know me very well or people who only see me in a professional setting view me as a very calm person. I am slow to anger, slow to raise my voice, and reticent to respond in any manner other than one that is devoid of emotion or irrational behavior. I have been praised many times for my “calm and stoic demeanor”. I appreciate that characterization, but it amuses me because it is not completely accurate.
Part of the reason I can portray such a calm outward front is because I have mastered the art of compartmentalizing the numerous components of my life. Put simply, I place value on each area of my life. I remain unaffected by the areas that affect me minimally or the areas in which I place little value. If a student acts up in my class, I know that it has virtually nothing to do with me personally and has everything to do with myriad external and internal factors. As a result, I do not let it bother me. Kids are going to be kids. I don’t sweat that stuff.
At any given moment in my life, there are 2-3 things that I am extremely passionate about. All my emotion goes into those things, and I pursue them to a manic (some would say obsessive level). If you talk to me about any of these areas, you won’t see the calm. You won’t catch the quietly confident Jakob. In its place, you will see someone who is scratching and clawing, always doubting himself, chronically over-thinking, and ALWAYS feeling as if he has something to prove. The more I want something, the more my insecurities manifest themselves. I have self-sabotaged many relationships in my life because I simply could not leave well enough alone. I pushed myself to an obsessive level (I will cover this more in my next post) because I have a very difficult time abiding by the timelines of life or the timelines of others. My closest friends and confidants probably characterize me as the storm because I often come to them for advice as to how to clean up my most recent mess.
So, which Jakob is the true Jakob? Am I the calm, or am I the storm? Truthfully, I am probably both. The calm works for me in the areas in which I need it to work. Perhaps to some the calm might come across as blasé, but it works for me. In most areas of my life, I act calmly and rationally and never let the ship get too far off course. But I would be lying to myself and to all of you if I said that the storm didn’t exist. The storm is very real, and as long as I am living I will probably have to figure out a way to weather it. As long as I care deeply about things, I am going to have to fight the urge to obsess and attack them at a manic level. I am going to have to fight the feelings of self-doubt and the chip on my shoulder. Will I ever fully calm the storm? I don’t know. But I will keep trying.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Victory Lap
Having just finished my first year teaching social studies, my fifth (!) year of full time teaching, and my eighth (!!) year in education, I figure it is as good a time as any to reflect on the year that was. While I would be lying if I said the year was easy, I will say that it wound up being a very successful one.
That said, things did not start off the way I had planned or hoped. While I was very pleased to have finally procured a full time position teaching my preferred subject of social studies, I would be remiss if I did not admit that my confidence was not particularly high when starting the job. I lost my job at Prairie-Hills due to no fault of my own, but their lack of interest in finding a new spot for me on their team led me to question my own abilities. I did not go into this job believing that I could not fail. I knew I had to prove myself to my students, my peers, and most of all, myself.
It was certainly an adjustment starting at Kellar. Many of the amenities to which I had grown accustomed at Prairie-Hills (phones and printers in the classroom, air conditioning) were nonexistent at my new school. The students’ lockers were located in the classroom. Dismissal procedures were convoluted and could last in upwards of 30 minutes. At the beginning, my only goal was to survive to the end of the day, then to the end of the week, then to the end of the month, and ultimately to the end of the year.
A funny thing happened as the school year progressed. My students actually started to like me. Being a somewhat eccentric white male in a school almost entirely composed of minorities lends itself to some challenges. At the beginning of the year, many of my students didn’t “get” me. There were a handful that did, but for the most part my dry sense of humor was met with complete silence and participation was limited to the handful of students who liked me from the start. I had to prove myself to them. Once they realized that I was okay, they started to get more involved in the class. Sure, a couple students never wound up liking me, but that’s life. You can’t win them all.
When I worked at AAA Academy, my boss bluntly told me that my way would not work, and that if I was ever going to have any success, I would need to get on board with her way. I was blessed to work in a school that gave me the autonomy to do things my way. Much of my teaching is discussion based. I believe that young people learn in a variety of ways, but I especially believe that they learn from having conversations. I like to draw from my own experiences while teaching and allow them to ask questions as soon as they arise. The more involved they are in the discussion, the greater ownership they take in it, and ultimately, they will retain more knowledge. I always tell my students that in history the “who”, the “what”, and the “when” are important, but in order to truly learn both about history and learn from history, they need to understand the “why”. As a result, my classroom generally has a fairly laid-back atmosphere. In fact, one of the girls told me “Mr. Duehr, your class is so laid back that I didn’t think I was learning anything, but when we took the Constitution Test, I realized that I knew everything. I like how you do things.” That quote alone proved that way can and does work for me and for my students.
My greatest sense of pride from an academic sense came from the students’ success on the Constitution Test. I know the Constitution is not the most exciting material, so I really had to wrap my brain around how to teach it in a way that would connect with the students. Almost randomly, I stumbled on something that worked. I assigned one amendment to each student. They were responsible for becoming an expert on that amendment and had to teach a mini-lesson to the class. While they got to be “me” and teach the lesson, I sat in their desk and got to be them. I would act how they act during class (within reason, of course). I copied their mannerisms, their patterns of speech, etc. It was a lot of fun, and the students truly excelled. Of my 105 students, 98 passed the test on their first try. The remaining students all passed by their third attempt.
While their academic success brought me a great measure of pride, I took even greater pride in the strides that many of them made in growing as individuals. I am fully aware that students will not remember many of the social studies lessons I taught, so I put a focus on teaching them life lessons as well. If they can learn those lessons from me, then I will have been a success as a teacher. It is important for them to know that yes, they are young and will make mistakes, but it is important that they use every mistake as a lesson learned. Each day is a new opportunity for learning and growth. Many of them are learning that lesson, and I could not be prouder.
I sit here today with a great sense of relief and satisfaction because, for the first time in 9 years, I know exactly where I will be working in August. I do not have to scour K12Jobspot for openings. I do not have to get dressed up for interviews, and I do not have to struggle to fall asleep at night due to stress and fear of the unknown. I know where my road leads for the next year at least, and I am thankful for that. This year could not be classified as anything less than a success, and I am excited for what is to come.
That said, things did not start off the way I had planned or hoped. While I was very pleased to have finally procured a full time position teaching my preferred subject of social studies, I would be remiss if I did not admit that my confidence was not particularly high when starting the job. I lost my job at Prairie-Hills due to no fault of my own, but their lack of interest in finding a new spot for me on their team led me to question my own abilities. I did not go into this job believing that I could not fail. I knew I had to prove myself to my students, my peers, and most of all, myself.
It was certainly an adjustment starting at Kellar. Many of the amenities to which I had grown accustomed at Prairie-Hills (phones and printers in the classroom, air conditioning) were nonexistent at my new school. The students’ lockers were located in the classroom. Dismissal procedures were convoluted and could last in upwards of 30 minutes. At the beginning, my only goal was to survive to the end of the day, then to the end of the week, then to the end of the month, and ultimately to the end of the year.
A funny thing happened as the school year progressed. My students actually started to like me. Being a somewhat eccentric white male in a school almost entirely composed of minorities lends itself to some challenges. At the beginning of the year, many of my students didn’t “get” me. There were a handful that did, but for the most part my dry sense of humor was met with complete silence and participation was limited to the handful of students who liked me from the start. I had to prove myself to them. Once they realized that I was okay, they started to get more involved in the class. Sure, a couple students never wound up liking me, but that’s life. You can’t win them all.
When I worked at AAA Academy, my boss bluntly told me that my way would not work, and that if I was ever going to have any success, I would need to get on board with her way. I was blessed to work in a school that gave me the autonomy to do things my way. Much of my teaching is discussion based. I believe that young people learn in a variety of ways, but I especially believe that they learn from having conversations. I like to draw from my own experiences while teaching and allow them to ask questions as soon as they arise. The more involved they are in the discussion, the greater ownership they take in it, and ultimately, they will retain more knowledge. I always tell my students that in history the “who”, the “what”, and the “when” are important, but in order to truly learn both about history and learn from history, they need to understand the “why”. As a result, my classroom generally has a fairly laid-back atmosphere. In fact, one of the girls told me “Mr. Duehr, your class is so laid back that I didn’t think I was learning anything, but when we took the Constitution Test, I realized that I knew everything. I like how you do things.” That quote alone proved that way can and does work for me and for my students.
My greatest sense of pride from an academic sense came from the students’ success on the Constitution Test. I know the Constitution is not the most exciting material, so I really had to wrap my brain around how to teach it in a way that would connect with the students. Almost randomly, I stumbled on something that worked. I assigned one amendment to each student. They were responsible for becoming an expert on that amendment and had to teach a mini-lesson to the class. While they got to be “me” and teach the lesson, I sat in their desk and got to be them. I would act how they act during class (within reason, of course). I copied their mannerisms, their patterns of speech, etc. It was a lot of fun, and the students truly excelled. Of my 105 students, 98 passed the test on their first try. The remaining students all passed by their third attempt.
While their academic success brought me a great measure of pride, I took even greater pride in the strides that many of them made in growing as individuals. I am fully aware that students will not remember many of the social studies lessons I taught, so I put a focus on teaching them life lessons as well. If they can learn those lessons from me, then I will have been a success as a teacher. It is important for them to know that yes, they are young and will make mistakes, but it is important that they use every mistake as a lesson learned. Each day is a new opportunity for learning and growth. Many of them are learning that lesson, and I could not be prouder.
I sit here today with a great sense of relief and satisfaction because, for the first time in 9 years, I know exactly where I will be working in August. I do not have to scour K12Jobspot for openings. I do not have to get dressed up for interviews, and I do not have to struggle to fall asleep at night due to stress and fear of the unknown. I know where my road leads for the next year at least, and I am thankful for that. This year could not be classified as anything less than a success, and I am excited for what is to come.
Monday, April 3, 2017
Closing the Chapter
I am still having a lot of difficulty wrapping my head around the notion that I am merely hours (not days, weeks, months or years at this point… only hours) away from turning 30 years of age. My 20s were… an experience. As I close this chapter, I find it appropriate to reflect on what was, how it brought me to what is, and preview where I want to be. A disclaimer: I am going to be brutally hard on myself here. Maybe that’s not the best thing, but I always believe in being honest with myself and with you, the reader.
I am not going to look back on my twenties as favorably as I would have liked. Too often this decade felt more like a blooper reel than a highlight reel. It was dotted with magnificent failures and missteps. I know the dangers associated with dwelling on the past, but some things never leave you. I think of the letter I got from a girl telling me all the reasons she wouldn’t date me when I was 20 and not getting served at 21 when I visited the ice cream shop where she worked. I think of getting stood up in Florida and losing my wallet hours later when I was 22. At 23, I fell in love for the first time, only for the girl I loved to pick the other guy in the triangle. At 24, one of my best friends from childhood basically told me I hadn’t done anything worth being proud of at that point. At 26, my boss thought so little of me that she waited until the day before the school year started to tell me I was laid off. At 27, she told me that she wished she could hang me. At 28, I lost a job despite receiving favorable performance reviews due to some shifts, and the powers that be couldn’t be bothered to even try to bring me back. At 29, I nearly had the breakdown I narrowly avoided at 21 and 28 and obsessed over someone who couldn’t be bothered to care if I was still on this planet, let alone anything deeper than that.
I lost a lot in my 20s with very little to show for it. Friends moved away and moved on me. Other friends and acquaintances passed away way too young. I lost one of the few extended family members who truly understood me. I was passed over for countless jobs and opportunities. I felt like I was unknowingly cast as “good, but not good enough”. Maybe I’ve deserved everything I have received. Perhaps there was a step in the process I missed. Maybe things came too easy for me when I was young, and my 20s were my comeuppance.
I don’t want this post to be entirely doom and gloom. There were some successes over the course of the past ten years. The person I am today is crafted directly in the image of who I always wanted to be. The way I talk, dress, and look all took a while to come together, but I am pleased that it finally did. My interests had to be given time to be cultivated, and while some might look at me as an odd amalgam of interests, I am passionate about a number of things all across the spectrum ranging from the important to the absurd. I am comfortable in my own skin and don’t turn away from who I see in the mirror. I finished college and grad school with measurable success, and while my career has not necessarily taken the trajectory I had hoped, I can take a measure of pride in what I have accomplished in the classroom, both as a teacher and as a student.
I entered my twenties with one eye looking forward but the other eye firmly focused on the paths I had already traveled. As the decade progressed, I improved on averting my gaze from the past and focusing more on the present and the future. For so long, I idolized the past. I desperately wanted to find a way to go back to a simpler time. Those days are over, and it is not healthy to dwell on them. Stone is an afterthought these days, as are many other places from my younger years. It is okay to visit these memories from time to time, but I no longer have the desire to dwell on them for any period of time.
As I enter my 30s, I am admittedly struggling with some degree of fear and uncertainty. The older I get, the more I have to accept the notion that some of my dreams may never come to fruition. With each day that passes, my chances of becoming WWE Champion drastically diminish. The longer I stay in education, the likelihood that I will become wealthy becomes lower and lower. Things I thought would have happened by now (the marriage, the house, the family, etc.) have yet to come to fruition, and I have to be content whether they happen or not. There's a girl who has become my best friend, and I love her very much. It might never be anything past friendship. I have to be okay with however it ends. I’m probably not going to have the good fortune of having my girlfriend plan an elaborate marriage proposal to me (as one of my childhood friends did) or complain about inept coworkers and translate that into a hefty raise (as another childhood friend did), but I have to be okay.
I don’t know what’s coming next, but I have to believe that the many battles I have conquered have prepared me for what is to come. I don’t know that I’ll ever get the things I want, but I have a good feeling that no matter what, I’m going to be okay.
I am not going to look back on my twenties as favorably as I would have liked. Too often this decade felt more like a blooper reel than a highlight reel. It was dotted with magnificent failures and missteps. I know the dangers associated with dwelling on the past, but some things never leave you. I think of the letter I got from a girl telling me all the reasons she wouldn’t date me when I was 20 and not getting served at 21 when I visited the ice cream shop where she worked. I think of getting stood up in Florida and losing my wallet hours later when I was 22. At 23, I fell in love for the first time, only for the girl I loved to pick the other guy in the triangle. At 24, one of my best friends from childhood basically told me I hadn’t done anything worth being proud of at that point. At 26, my boss thought so little of me that she waited until the day before the school year started to tell me I was laid off. At 27, she told me that she wished she could hang me. At 28, I lost a job despite receiving favorable performance reviews due to some shifts, and the powers that be couldn’t be bothered to even try to bring me back. At 29, I nearly had the breakdown I narrowly avoided at 21 and 28 and obsessed over someone who couldn’t be bothered to care if I was still on this planet, let alone anything deeper than that.
I lost a lot in my 20s with very little to show for it. Friends moved away and moved on me. Other friends and acquaintances passed away way too young. I lost one of the few extended family members who truly understood me. I was passed over for countless jobs and opportunities. I felt like I was unknowingly cast as “good, but not good enough”. Maybe I’ve deserved everything I have received. Perhaps there was a step in the process I missed. Maybe things came too easy for me when I was young, and my 20s were my comeuppance.
I don’t want this post to be entirely doom and gloom. There were some successes over the course of the past ten years. The person I am today is crafted directly in the image of who I always wanted to be. The way I talk, dress, and look all took a while to come together, but I am pleased that it finally did. My interests had to be given time to be cultivated, and while some might look at me as an odd amalgam of interests, I am passionate about a number of things all across the spectrum ranging from the important to the absurd. I am comfortable in my own skin and don’t turn away from who I see in the mirror. I finished college and grad school with measurable success, and while my career has not necessarily taken the trajectory I had hoped, I can take a measure of pride in what I have accomplished in the classroom, both as a teacher and as a student.
I entered my twenties with one eye looking forward but the other eye firmly focused on the paths I had already traveled. As the decade progressed, I improved on averting my gaze from the past and focusing more on the present and the future. For so long, I idolized the past. I desperately wanted to find a way to go back to a simpler time. Those days are over, and it is not healthy to dwell on them. Stone is an afterthought these days, as are many other places from my younger years. It is okay to visit these memories from time to time, but I no longer have the desire to dwell on them for any period of time.
As I enter my 30s, I am admittedly struggling with some degree of fear and uncertainty. The older I get, the more I have to accept the notion that some of my dreams may never come to fruition. With each day that passes, my chances of becoming WWE Champion drastically diminish. The longer I stay in education, the likelihood that I will become wealthy becomes lower and lower. Things I thought would have happened by now (the marriage, the house, the family, etc.) have yet to come to fruition, and I have to be content whether they happen or not. There's a girl who has become my best friend, and I love her very much. It might never be anything past friendship. I have to be okay with however it ends. I’m probably not going to have the good fortune of having my girlfriend plan an elaborate marriage proposal to me (as one of my childhood friends did) or complain about inept coworkers and translate that into a hefty raise (as another childhood friend did), but I have to be okay.
I don’t know what’s coming next, but I have to believe that the many battles I have conquered have prepared me for what is to come. I don’t know that I’ll ever get the things I want, but I have a good feeling that no matter what, I’m going to be okay.
20 Things I Learned in My 20s
Blog posts consisting entirely of lists are admittedly lazy. However, I do have a less lazy and more thoughtful post coming this evening as well, and the material in this post would not fit well within that post.
My 20s were not as fruitful a decade as I would have wished or even prognosticated, yet I still learned a number of lessons. I would say the decade as a whole could be chalked up to a learning experience. Here are 20 lessons I learned (in no particular order).
1. Degrees from institutions of higher learning do not make you “smarter”. However, they do open doors.
2. It’s okay to fail. In fact, it is better to fail magnificently than it is to never even attempt to succeed.
3. The separation is in the preparation. It is easier to succeed when you have a plan.
4. However, there are some things for which you simply cannot plan. Adapt and adjust, or get lost in the shuffle.
5. As your age grows, so does the percentage of things that you realize are out of your control.
6. Many opportunities unfortunately cannot be earned. They are either given or they are not, often times seemingly without rhyme or reason.
7. People are going to move on without you. You are going to move on from some people. This is not always done with malice but is rather a byproduct of different growth trajectories.
8. If you are so desperate for something, you can interpret virtually anything as a “sign” that thing is meant to happen. Stop searching for signs. Just live.
9. A goal changed is not a goal failed. Do not pursue a goal you for which no longer have a passion simply out of stubbornness. Roll with the curves.
10. Many timelines are good in theory only. The greater the importance you place on timelines, the more disappointed you will be with your life.
11. Attack your job with ferocity while you are at work. As soon as you walk out the door to end your day, leave it alone until you walk back in the following day.
12. Death is the only door that ever truly remains closed. All other doors can be reopened with enough patience and/or persistence.
13. Be generous with the things that mean the most to you. It is no great feat to show generosity with the things that matter little to you. Give of your best fruits.
14. Everything is impossible until it is possible. When it becomes possible, it can no longer be impossible.
15. Be careful to not fall into the trap of seeing others for who we want them to be or believe they can eventually become whilst losing sight of who they actually are.
16. Seeking the advice of a number of people does not ensure that the situation for which you are seeking advice will end favorably. It does, however, ensure that a significant number of people are aware of your business (and can use it against you later).
17. The greatest thing you can invest in is people. The returns far surpass any monetary value.
18. It is important to remember that love not only is a challenge but also that love is dynamic and not static. It requires your greatest effort and your greatest care.
19. Both the power and finesse approaches have their merits. It takes great discernment to know which approach is most appropriate in a given situation.
20. Happiness is not always there for the taking, but contentment is. More often than not, you will not have what you want. You can always make the decision to want what you have.
My 20s were not as fruitful a decade as I would have wished or even prognosticated, yet I still learned a number of lessons. I would say the decade as a whole could be chalked up to a learning experience. Here are 20 lessons I learned (in no particular order).
1. Degrees from institutions of higher learning do not make you “smarter”. However, they do open doors.
2. It’s okay to fail. In fact, it is better to fail magnificently than it is to never even attempt to succeed.
3. The separation is in the preparation. It is easier to succeed when you have a plan.
4. However, there are some things for which you simply cannot plan. Adapt and adjust, or get lost in the shuffle.
5. As your age grows, so does the percentage of things that you realize are out of your control.
6. Many opportunities unfortunately cannot be earned. They are either given or they are not, often times seemingly without rhyme or reason.
7. People are going to move on without you. You are going to move on from some people. This is not always done with malice but is rather a byproduct of different growth trajectories.
8. If you are so desperate for something, you can interpret virtually anything as a “sign” that thing is meant to happen. Stop searching for signs. Just live.
9. A goal changed is not a goal failed. Do not pursue a goal you for which no longer have a passion simply out of stubbornness. Roll with the curves.
10. Many timelines are good in theory only. The greater the importance you place on timelines, the more disappointed you will be with your life.
11. Attack your job with ferocity while you are at work. As soon as you walk out the door to end your day, leave it alone until you walk back in the following day.
12. Death is the only door that ever truly remains closed. All other doors can be reopened with enough patience and/or persistence.
13. Be generous with the things that mean the most to you. It is no great feat to show generosity with the things that matter little to you. Give of your best fruits.
14. Everything is impossible until it is possible. When it becomes possible, it can no longer be impossible.
15. Be careful to not fall into the trap of seeing others for who we want them to be or believe they can eventually become whilst losing sight of who they actually are.
16. Seeking the advice of a number of people does not ensure that the situation for which you are seeking advice will end favorably. It does, however, ensure that a significant number of people are aware of your business (and can use it against you later).
17. The greatest thing you can invest in is people. The returns far surpass any monetary value.
18. It is important to remember that love not only is a challenge but also that love is dynamic and not static. It requires your greatest effort and your greatest care.
19. Both the power and finesse approaches have their merits. It takes great discernment to know which approach is most appropriate in a given situation.
20. Happiness is not always there for the taking, but contentment is. More often than not, you will not have what you want. You can always make the decision to want what you have.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
The Lasting Legacy of Liv & Maddie
As a twentysomething male, I am about as far removed from the Disney Channel’s target demographic as anyone. Yet, I still have a soft spot in my heart for the network. Some of it definitely stems from nostalgia. It also helps to be aware of some shows on the network to stay relevant with my students (who, as middle schoolers, are most certainly within Disney’s target demographic).
I rediscovered the network a few years ago thanks to nostalgia. My curiosity of Girl Meets World and how true a successor it would be to Boy Meets World (THE show of my childhood) drew me to the network. While I always enjoyed GMW (and still feel that show was pulled long before its expiration date), another show truly grabbed my attention and captured my imagination.
Liv & Maddie tells the story of twin sisters (both played by Dove Cameron), their two brothers, and their navigation through adolescence with laughs galore. Despite the lighthearted tone the show often takes, the show handles issues such as gender roles, gender inequality, and misogyny. As a teacher, I know all too well that these are issues that our young ladies face on a regular basis. Feminism is not an easy subject to tackle, whether in conversation or portrayed on television. Liv & Maddie shows young girls and boys that the best way to fight inequality is to take action. When a principal threatened to make budget cuts to the girls basketball program, the girls raise funds of their own to convince the principal to take them seriously. When a chauvinistic producer believes that girls cannot possibly be interested in STEM, the girls build a car that outpaces that of the boys (the addition of the Val character in Season 4 also went a long way toward showing that girls can be passionate about STEM as well).
In a world run by social media and embracing debate, it is commonplace for hostility to reign. Liv & Maddie demonstrates that the best way to exact lasting change is by taking action and by simply having a conversation. When action is taken, it is always done in a productive rather than destructive matter. Even the bullies are never humiliated.
A while back, I live-tweeted an episode and expressed my surprise that Todd Stetson never got his comeuppance. To my surprise, one of the show’s creators, John D. Beck noticed the tweet and replied “Because it wasn’t about Todd. You can’t change how someone else feels. You can only change how you feel about yourself”. That one tweet perfectly encapsulates the message of Liv & Maddie.
In fifty years or so, when someone on one of those sites decides to do a retrospective of Disney Channel shows and ranks them, it is my sincerest belief that Liv & Maddie should be ranked at the top. It didn’t have the gimmickry of Wizards of Waverly Place or the constant promotion of K.C. Undercover. It didn’t need it. Dove Cameron never got the level of hype of Miley, Selena, Hilary, or Zendaya, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is perhaps the finest leading lady (times 2!) and best role model that a young girl could have. Whether she was portraying teen actress/pop star Liv or alpha female Maddie, Dove showed the importance of confidence and empathy in every line she spoke. In a world that feels the increasing need to be “edgy”, Liv & Maddie thrived by being the exact opposite. It was a cute show full of wholesome values. It empowered young people to be comfortable with who they were, to change the conversation, to believe in themselves, and to support their friends and family.
While Liv & Maddie may be done, its message and spirit will live on. Cheers to all for a job well done!
I rediscovered the network a few years ago thanks to nostalgia. My curiosity of Girl Meets World and how true a successor it would be to Boy Meets World (THE show of my childhood) drew me to the network. While I always enjoyed GMW (and still feel that show was pulled long before its expiration date), another show truly grabbed my attention and captured my imagination.
Liv & Maddie tells the story of twin sisters (both played by Dove Cameron), their two brothers, and their navigation through adolescence with laughs galore. Despite the lighthearted tone the show often takes, the show handles issues such as gender roles, gender inequality, and misogyny. As a teacher, I know all too well that these are issues that our young ladies face on a regular basis. Feminism is not an easy subject to tackle, whether in conversation or portrayed on television. Liv & Maddie shows young girls and boys that the best way to fight inequality is to take action. When a principal threatened to make budget cuts to the girls basketball program, the girls raise funds of their own to convince the principal to take them seriously. When a chauvinistic producer believes that girls cannot possibly be interested in STEM, the girls build a car that outpaces that of the boys (the addition of the Val character in Season 4 also went a long way toward showing that girls can be passionate about STEM as well).
In a world run by social media and embracing debate, it is commonplace for hostility to reign. Liv & Maddie demonstrates that the best way to exact lasting change is by taking action and by simply having a conversation. When action is taken, it is always done in a productive rather than destructive matter. Even the bullies are never humiliated.
A while back, I live-tweeted an episode and expressed my surprise that Todd Stetson never got his comeuppance. To my surprise, one of the show’s creators, John D. Beck noticed the tweet and replied “Because it wasn’t about Todd. You can’t change how someone else feels. You can only change how you feel about yourself”. That one tweet perfectly encapsulates the message of Liv & Maddie.
In fifty years or so, when someone on one of those sites decides to do a retrospective of Disney Channel shows and ranks them, it is my sincerest belief that Liv & Maddie should be ranked at the top. It didn’t have the gimmickry of Wizards of Waverly Place or the constant promotion of K.C. Undercover. It didn’t need it. Dove Cameron never got the level of hype of Miley, Selena, Hilary, or Zendaya, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is perhaps the finest leading lady (times 2!) and best role model that a young girl could have. Whether she was portraying teen actress/pop star Liv or alpha female Maddie, Dove showed the importance of confidence and empathy in every line she spoke. In a world that feels the increasing need to be “edgy”, Liv & Maddie thrived by being the exact opposite. It was a cute show full of wholesome values. It empowered young people to be comfortable with who they were, to change the conversation, to believe in themselves, and to support their friends and family.
While Liv & Maddie may be done, its message and spirit will live on. Cheers to all for a job well done!
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
On Wellness and Motivation
With my 30th birthday less than a month away (!), now is probably a better time than ever to get as much of my life, the story of my first 30 years, out there. It is important to me know and share where I have been and use it as a vehicle to drive me toward where I eventually want to be.
I spent the last two posts talking at moderate length about my resolve. I have to be honest to myself and to anyone who reads my writing and admit that much of my resolve is born out of the fact that I am rarely (if ever) content with myself. I always feel as if I have something to prove, whether to my peers, love interests, family, or myself.
If you know me even remotely or follow me on any sort of social media, you know how important the gym has been to my 20s. I’ve used the gym as a conduit to lose weight (twice), to gain strength and endurance, and to simply feel good about myself. At this point in my fitness journey, I go to the gym 11 times a week for 5 cardio and 6 weightlifting sessions. I would love to say that I always did it for me, but that is not the case.
For the record, I do not mention any individual or experience in this post with the intent of demonizing anyone of putting them down. I just have to give perspective. In 2008, I lost 62 pounds because a girl wrote me a letter telling me all the reasons she would never date me, my appearance being one. I almost literally worked myself to the bone that summer in the hopes it would impress her. It did not. That did not lessen any of what I accomplished, but it let the wind out of my sails a bit.
Growing up, I always had to hear my grandfather talk about how much “tougher” and “stronger” his granddaughters were compared to the grandsons. It stung, but at least I had company in my weakness in my male cousin. A year or two ago, that changed. My cousin changed his diet and workout regimen and drastically changed his body type. When I heard my grandfather mention it once, I thought it was just a conversation piece, but after it was mentioned at least a dozen times in the year that followed, it began to grate on me. Here I was working out regularly, having completed two marathons, and I still felt as though my accomplishments were ignored. I would be lying if I said that the change in my workouts toward building more muscle was not brought on by this.
Over the past year, I have seen my body transform (albeit not at the rate I would prefer). I have found myself with the ability to lift significantly more than I could lift even six months ago. Yet that still does not feel enough. Some days I am pleased with my progress, while other days I view myself as a scrawny twerp in comparison to some of the guys at the gym.
For the longest time, I shied away from free weights because I did not feel “worthy” of being in that section of the gym. I had to get over those fears. As I continue in relentless pursuit of my goals, I have learned two lessons.
Lesson 1: Don’t do it for or because of anyone else.
I lost weight for a girl. I started lifting more because of comments that got under my skin. Those are awful reasons to do anything. It’s not about anyone else. You can work relentlessly to try to impress someone else, but honestly, whether or not they are impressed is out of your control. Don’t place your success or self-worth on the shoulders of someone else. Be happy with yourself. If you’re not happy with where you are, do something about it, but do not do it simply for the attention or affection of another.
Lesson 2: You should only ever compare yourself with the person you were yesterday.
I am still guilty of this one. I see guys at the gym who are absolutely jacked and I get frustrated that I am not there yet. I have to remind myself that my journey didn’t start at the same time as theirs, and my journey does not end at the same time as theirs, either. Self-improvement is not a race. Every little bit counts. Focus only on working to be just a little bit better than you were the previous day. Negative comparisons are toxic. Don’t make them. I know this is easier said than done.
I’m not where I want to be yet (both from a physical and motivational standpoint), but I am moving in the right direction. If you’re struggling with anything I mentioned above, just know you’re not alone. Keep at it. I believe in you.
I spent the last two posts talking at moderate length about my resolve. I have to be honest to myself and to anyone who reads my writing and admit that much of my resolve is born out of the fact that I am rarely (if ever) content with myself. I always feel as if I have something to prove, whether to my peers, love interests, family, or myself.
If you know me even remotely or follow me on any sort of social media, you know how important the gym has been to my 20s. I’ve used the gym as a conduit to lose weight (twice), to gain strength and endurance, and to simply feel good about myself. At this point in my fitness journey, I go to the gym 11 times a week for 5 cardio and 6 weightlifting sessions. I would love to say that I always did it for me, but that is not the case.
For the record, I do not mention any individual or experience in this post with the intent of demonizing anyone of putting them down. I just have to give perspective. In 2008, I lost 62 pounds because a girl wrote me a letter telling me all the reasons she would never date me, my appearance being one. I almost literally worked myself to the bone that summer in the hopes it would impress her. It did not. That did not lessen any of what I accomplished, but it let the wind out of my sails a bit.
Growing up, I always had to hear my grandfather talk about how much “tougher” and “stronger” his granddaughters were compared to the grandsons. It stung, but at least I had company in my weakness in my male cousin. A year or two ago, that changed. My cousin changed his diet and workout regimen and drastically changed his body type. When I heard my grandfather mention it once, I thought it was just a conversation piece, but after it was mentioned at least a dozen times in the year that followed, it began to grate on me. Here I was working out regularly, having completed two marathons, and I still felt as though my accomplishments were ignored. I would be lying if I said that the change in my workouts toward building more muscle was not brought on by this.
Over the past year, I have seen my body transform (albeit not at the rate I would prefer). I have found myself with the ability to lift significantly more than I could lift even six months ago. Yet that still does not feel enough. Some days I am pleased with my progress, while other days I view myself as a scrawny twerp in comparison to some of the guys at the gym.
For the longest time, I shied away from free weights because I did not feel “worthy” of being in that section of the gym. I had to get over those fears. As I continue in relentless pursuit of my goals, I have learned two lessons.
Lesson 1: Don’t do it for or because of anyone else.
I lost weight for a girl. I started lifting more because of comments that got under my skin. Those are awful reasons to do anything. It’s not about anyone else. You can work relentlessly to try to impress someone else, but honestly, whether or not they are impressed is out of your control. Don’t place your success or self-worth on the shoulders of someone else. Be happy with yourself. If you’re not happy with where you are, do something about it, but do not do it simply for the attention or affection of another.
Lesson 2: You should only ever compare yourself with the person you were yesterday.
I am still guilty of this one. I see guys at the gym who are absolutely jacked and I get frustrated that I am not there yet. I have to remind myself that my journey didn’t start at the same time as theirs, and my journey does not end at the same time as theirs, either. Self-improvement is not a race. Every little bit counts. Focus only on working to be just a little bit better than you were the previous day. Negative comparisons are toxic. Don’t make them. I know this is easier said than done.
I’m not where I want to be yet (both from a physical and motivational standpoint), but I am moving in the right direction. If you’re struggling with anything I mentioned above, just know you’re not alone. Keep at it. I believe in you.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
...Know When to Fold 'Em...
With my 30th birthday less than a month away (!), now is probably a better time than ever to get as much of my life, the story of my first 30 years, out there. It is important to me know and share where I have been and use it as a vehicle to drive me toward where I eventually want to be.
“A blessing that is improperly utilized becomes a curse.”
In yesterday’s post, I reflected on the positive things that have come as a direct result of my resolve. It would not be fair to leave it at that, however. I have always purposed to tell my whole story in my blog. My resolve, while generally a good thing, has been my detriment more times than I care to remember.
When I have a goal or a dream in mind, I see it through until its very end. I will be the first to admit that particular line of thinking has caused me to hold onto things far past their expiration dates. In many of those cases, the very resolve that has led to greatness in other areas has led to heartbreak and heartache in others.
I have spent a significant portion of my life waiting for girls with relatively little to show for it. I spent the majority of high school and a good part of college waiting for Jessica to give me a chance. When it was all said and done, I wasted five years of my life on that and then another 9 years on a friendship that was far weaker than I perceived. I wasn’t even viewed as important enough to see when I was in town. I spent the first half of my 20s waiting for Jannelle to get her life sorted out. It didn’t get me to where I wanted to be, but I was so afraid of giving up too soon that I held on for way too long. I spent nearly three years trying to get Kim to realize I was an awesome dude. Spoilers: It didn’t happen. She finally had to flat-out reject me for me to give up the ghost.
When I was growing up, I had a core group of friends with whom I spent most of my free time. I thought nothing could ever tear us apart. Perhaps I was naïve to think that time and distance wouldn’t leave its mark. Perhaps I should have seen the writing on the wall and cultivated another core group of friends while in college or at work. I did not because I believed that I could simply will things into not changing. I was wrong. When they moved away, it was really tough on me. If I had not been so resolute in my desire to keep things the same, I could have averted much of that.
I have spent a lot of time believing that my way was the right way and that if I kept on in the path that I was going, I would get to where I wanted to be by sheer force of will. Sadly, that is unrealistic and a faulty life strategy. As I near 30, I am realizing that my way may not always be the best way. I am learning that resolve is a good thing, but not in all areas. It’s important to know when to hold on, but it is equally as important to know when to move on. Moving on and quitting are not one in the same. In the next chapter of my life, I resolve to be better about my resolve.
“A blessing that is improperly utilized becomes a curse.”
In yesterday’s post, I reflected on the positive things that have come as a direct result of my resolve. It would not be fair to leave it at that, however. I have always purposed to tell my whole story in my blog. My resolve, while generally a good thing, has been my detriment more times than I care to remember.
When I have a goal or a dream in mind, I see it through until its very end. I will be the first to admit that particular line of thinking has caused me to hold onto things far past their expiration dates. In many of those cases, the very resolve that has led to greatness in other areas has led to heartbreak and heartache in others.
I have spent a significant portion of my life waiting for girls with relatively little to show for it. I spent the majority of high school and a good part of college waiting for Jessica to give me a chance. When it was all said and done, I wasted five years of my life on that and then another 9 years on a friendship that was far weaker than I perceived. I wasn’t even viewed as important enough to see when I was in town. I spent the first half of my 20s waiting for Jannelle to get her life sorted out. It didn’t get me to where I wanted to be, but I was so afraid of giving up too soon that I held on for way too long. I spent nearly three years trying to get Kim to realize I was an awesome dude. Spoilers: It didn’t happen. She finally had to flat-out reject me for me to give up the ghost.
When I was growing up, I had a core group of friends with whom I spent most of my free time. I thought nothing could ever tear us apart. Perhaps I was naïve to think that time and distance wouldn’t leave its mark. Perhaps I should have seen the writing on the wall and cultivated another core group of friends while in college or at work. I did not because I believed that I could simply will things into not changing. I was wrong. When they moved away, it was really tough on me. If I had not been so resolute in my desire to keep things the same, I could have averted much of that.
I have spent a lot of time believing that my way was the right way and that if I kept on in the path that I was going, I would get to where I wanted to be by sheer force of will. Sadly, that is unrealistic and a faulty life strategy. As I near 30, I am realizing that my way may not always be the best way. I am learning that resolve is a good thing, but not in all areas. It’s important to know when to hold on, but it is equally as important to know when to move on. Moving on and quitting are not one in the same. In the next chapter of my life, I resolve to be better about my resolve.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Know When to Hold 'Em...
With my 30th birthday less than a month away (!), now is probably a better time than ever to get as much of my life, the story of my first 30 years, out there. It is important to me know and share where I have been and use it as a vehicle to drive me toward where I eventually want to be.
One of the greatest achievements of my 20s occurred in 2012 when I completed my first marathon. To say that it was an arduous task would vastly undersell the difficulty of the task. It was tiring. It was painful. It was accomplished. I no longer run significantly long distances (due to a number of factors but primarily due to the fact that these days I train for different goals), but I look back fondly on what I accomplished.
One factor more than any other propelled me to success in marathon training and running. It was not my vast experience with running. In fact, prior to December 2011 I had never run longer than 2.5 miles in a single run, let alone 26.2 miles. It certainly was not my athletic ability. Instead, it was my resolve. I determined that I was going to run a marathon and would not let anything stand in my way. Through weather, injuries, and other obstacles, still I persisted.
As I reflect on my life to this point, there are a number things of which I am proud (and, admittedly, a number of things I would prefer to forget). One of the character traits of which I am most proud is that resolve, that mental toughness, that refusal to quit. I can honestly say that I would not be where I am today were it not for that mental toughness.
I know I have mentioned it on a number of occasions, but it bears repeating that my professional journey has been anything but linear. My teaching career started as a substitute teacher. While I was fortunate to live with my parents (which helped to avert any potential financial crisis as a result of my very sporadic employment), it was still difficult to keep going when dozens of doors slammed in my face. By the time the summer of 2012 came around, my parents told me to start thinking of alternative plans for my life because it was getting to a point that I could not wait much longer. Still, I believed. I was patient, and by the end of that summer I had my first full time teaching position.
Nearly a year to the day of finally receiving that first teaching job, I found out that I was one of a number of teachers who were laid off to start the school year. Something in my heart told me that I still belonged at that school, so I did everything I could to be the first teacher that was brought back. What I did not know at the time is that my resolve to return to AAA Academy would result in me working for free for a number of months. I did exactly that because I believed that in the end, I would be where I wanted to be. It took over three months, but I got my job and old classroom back. When I realized that it was time to move on from the school, I had to endure a number of closed doors and near misses before getting to where I wanted to be. If I had simply given up due to past experience and the weight of prior failure, I never would have gotten this far in my career.
The more I reflect on my resolve and patience, I think of the doors that have opened as a result. There are friendships that bloomed that never would have been possible if I had simply walked away at the first sign of trouble. There are people I never would have met in person, things I never would have done, and places I never would have visited were it not for this stubborn desire to persist. I have always operated under the principle that if I give up now, I might be giving up just a moment too soon. The idea of not waiting long enough is one that has driven me to the path of patience and persistence, and I would not be where I am today were it not for it.
One of the greatest achievements of my 20s occurred in 2012 when I completed my first marathon. To say that it was an arduous task would vastly undersell the difficulty of the task. It was tiring. It was painful. It was accomplished. I no longer run significantly long distances (due to a number of factors but primarily due to the fact that these days I train for different goals), but I look back fondly on what I accomplished.
One factor more than any other propelled me to success in marathon training and running. It was not my vast experience with running. In fact, prior to December 2011 I had never run longer than 2.5 miles in a single run, let alone 26.2 miles. It certainly was not my athletic ability. Instead, it was my resolve. I determined that I was going to run a marathon and would not let anything stand in my way. Through weather, injuries, and other obstacles, still I persisted.
As I reflect on my life to this point, there are a number things of which I am proud (and, admittedly, a number of things I would prefer to forget). One of the character traits of which I am most proud is that resolve, that mental toughness, that refusal to quit. I can honestly say that I would not be where I am today were it not for that mental toughness.
I know I have mentioned it on a number of occasions, but it bears repeating that my professional journey has been anything but linear. My teaching career started as a substitute teacher. While I was fortunate to live with my parents (which helped to avert any potential financial crisis as a result of my very sporadic employment), it was still difficult to keep going when dozens of doors slammed in my face. By the time the summer of 2012 came around, my parents told me to start thinking of alternative plans for my life because it was getting to a point that I could not wait much longer. Still, I believed. I was patient, and by the end of that summer I had my first full time teaching position.
Nearly a year to the day of finally receiving that first teaching job, I found out that I was one of a number of teachers who were laid off to start the school year. Something in my heart told me that I still belonged at that school, so I did everything I could to be the first teacher that was brought back. What I did not know at the time is that my resolve to return to AAA Academy would result in me working for free for a number of months. I did exactly that because I believed that in the end, I would be where I wanted to be. It took over three months, but I got my job and old classroom back. When I realized that it was time to move on from the school, I had to endure a number of closed doors and near misses before getting to where I wanted to be. If I had simply given up due to past experience and the weight of prior failure, I never would have gotten this far in my career.
The more I reflect on my resolve and patience, I think of the doors that have opened as a result. There are friendships that bloomed that never would have been possible if I had simply walked away at the first sign of trouble. There are people I never would have met in person, things I never would have done, and places I never would have visited were it not for this stubborn desire to persist. I have always operated under the principle that if I give up now, I might be giving up just a moment too soon. The idea of not waiting long enough is one that has driven me to the path of patience and persistence, and I would not be where I am today were it not for it.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Floating Between Possibility and Impossibility: A Brave New World
Everything is impossible until it is possible. Once something becomes possible, it can no longer be impossible.
When I was younger, so many things seemed so far away. Dreams, hopes, goals… so many of them seemed exponentially easier to conceptualize than to actually materialize, yet I always believed that they would come at some point. They just had to come. Much has changed in a short amount of time. We live in an age in which my Chicago Cubs are your reigning World Series champions and my Seahawks are a perennial powerhouse (and have won a Super Bowl). We live in a time when Day at the Fair actually releases new music. We live in a time when a reality television star with no experience can be elected president of the United States (okay, they can’t all be good things).
The world in which we live seems to be showing us that anything is possible, yet there is this strange dichotomy that makes it seem as if some things have never been more impossible. For all the grief that “millennials” receive from their older and “wiser” counterparts, the fact of the matter is that the deck is stacked higher than it has ever been. Good jobs and nice houses are not just there for the taking. It is significantly easier to collect debt than it is to collect experience. Many places do not want to hire someone without experience, but heaven forbid that person has too much experience. They price themselves right out of that job!
I had to scratch and claw for years to get to where I am now. I paid my dues as a substitute teacher for three years. There were years that fewer than 50 social studies jobs posted in the state of Illinois for the entire year! When I finally received a full time job offer, it was in an alternative school setting. It was a high stress, low pay environment. I paid my dues there for another three years. When I finally received a full time job offer at a public school, it was a bait and switch and was not the position for which I interviewed. Even so, it was a better opportunity than where I had been working. When I FINALLY got that full time social studies teaching position, it was not quite ideal, but it was what I had worked so long to obtain. That is what personally bothers me about some of the older generation railing on mine. They have no concept of the fact that I spent the better part of a decade fighting for something that was readily available to their generation immediately upon college graduation. I stand on the doorstep of 30, and I am where I wish I would have been at the age of 23. That frustrates me at times, but I am thankful that I am here at 29 instead of 39.
We live in a world that is so frustratingly dreary at times, but for some strange reason I am still filled with hope. This madness… it *has* to turn around. It just does. There are too many people working too hard to make things happen. While I do not always agree with the methods or the motives, I will always support those who make an effort. Fear, doubt, and loathing do not make things happen. Actions do. We truly do live in a world of boundless possibilities. We just have to work a little harder to realize these possibilities.
When I was younger, so many things seemed so far away. Dreams, hopes, goals… so many of them seemed exponentially easier to conceptualize than to actually materialize, yet I always believed that they would come at some point. They just had to come. Much has changed in a short amount of time. We live in an age in which my Chicago Cubs are your reigning World Series champions and my Seahawks are a perennial powerhouse (and have won a Super Bowl). We live in a time when Day at the Fair actually releases new music. We live in a time when a reality television star with no experience can be elected president of the United States (okay, they can’t all be good things).
The world in which we live seems to be showing us that anything is possible, yet there is this strange dichotomy that makes it seem as if some things have never been more impossible. For all the grief that “millennials” receive from their older and “wiser” counterparts, the fact of the matter is that the deck is stacked higher than it has ever been. Good jobs and nice houses are not just there for the taking. It is significantly easier to collect debt than it is to collect experience. Many places do not want to hire someone without experience, but heaven forbid that person has too much experience. They price themselves right out of that job!
I had to scratch and claw for years to get to where I am now. I paid my dues as a substitute teacher for three years. There were years that fewer than 50 social studies jobs posted in the state of Illinois for the entire year! When I finally received a full time job offer, it was in an alternative school setting. It was a high stress, low pay environment. I paid my dues there for another three years. When I finally received a full time job offer at a public school, it was a bait and switch and was not the position for which I interviewed. Even so, it was a better opportunity than where I had been working. When I FINALLY got that full time social studies teaching position, it was not quite ideal, but it was what I had worked so long to obtain. That is what personally bothers me about some of the older generation railing on mine. They have no concept of the fact that I spent the better part of a decade fighting for something that was readily available to their generation immediately upon college graduation. I stand on the doorstep of 30, and I am where I wish I would have been at the age of 23. That frustrates me at times, but I am thankful that I am here at 29 instead of 39.
We live in a world that is so frustratingly dreary at times, but for some strange reason I am still filled with hope. This madness… it *has* to turn around. It just does. There are too many people working too hard to make things happen. While I do not always agree with the methods or the motives, I will always support those who make an effort. Fear, doubt, and loathing do not make things happen. Actions do. We truly do live in a world of boundless possibilities. We just have to work a little harder to realize these possibilities.
Monday, January 2, 2017
2017: New Focus, New Energy
2016 is in the rear view and with it the general sense of dread and weariness. I know a new year only holds the power that you want it to hold and that change comes from within. That said, the symbolic fresh start has been accompanied with a laser-like focus and drive that I have not had in a number of years. Major things are going to happen this year. There is a lot that will be accomplished. I use “will” instead of “may” because, quite honestly, I do not see another way for it to go. I am excited to share some of the items on my 2017 To-Do List.
BODY
•Work out twice a day. Sometimes it is difficult to accomplish everything I want to accomplish from an exercise standpoint after work when I am worn out from a long day with my 110 rascals. I have purposed to wake up earlier four days during the week to take care of my cardio before work. It is my hope that accomplishing that will also revitalize me in the classroom
•Drastically reduce sugar intake. Goodbye, soft drinks (and yes, energy drinks. Farewell, Full Throttle). See ya, candy. Deuces, refined sugars, cookies, and other sweets. I don’t know that I will be able to cut out gummies completely, but I will greatly minimize them. This won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. After all, I will be 30 in a few months. Gotta start looking out for myself!
•Find an ab routine that works and stick to it. For years I’ve gotten into routines to varying amounts of success, only to get off of it after a while. I did pretty well in the first half of 2016, but various stressors and a general dislike for the routine caused me to lapse during the later portion of the year.
SOUL
•Get back into a regular writing routine and complete 30 posts this year. Over the years, writing has been an excellent outlet for me both communicatively and creatively. In 2015 and 2016, my writing was sporadic. There are any numbers of factors to blame for that, but that does not matter at this point. What does matter is that I get back into it. With a milestone birthday approaching, I really want to get my story out there to this point. April 4th starts a new story. It has the same character (me), but it is a new story. I want to finish my story and do my best to share who I am and why I am who I am. Some posts may be amusing. Some may be a little difficult to read for some, but I purpose to finish my story.
•Spend time with Myrna in person when/if it is the right time and situation for her. Self-explanatory.
•Tie up loose ends. Whether it’s a conflict left unresolved, a friendship floating around with no real progress, or anything in between, I have left some things unfinished in my life. I do not have the time or room to be burdened by anything from the past as I travel to where I plan on going with my life. Some people need to be forgiven. Some need to be confronted. In some cases, difficult conversations need to be had. It’s time.
SPIRIT
•Trust myself. In my past, I have been prone to fall into a couple traps during my decision-making process. At times, I did not trust myself at all, so I would not act at all because I could not live with the idea of making the wrong decision. I have also asked dozens of people for advice on simple situations that I could have and should have figured out on my own. It is great to have friends and their counsel, but in some cases, I need to figure things out for myself, by myself.
•Make decisions for the primary reason of giving myself peace. Though I may not always seem it, I do care about appearances and the ramifications of my decisions on others’ opinions and approval of me. That is no way to live. I will never stop caring about certain people and will make sacrifices for them until I am no longer able to do so, but in terms of decisions that primarily affect my life, I have to do the things that give me peace. Maybe that will lead to a change of scenery or vocation. Who knows? All I know is that it is time for make my best moves.
This year’s goals are heavier in nature. I know this. I also know how focused I am at this point in time. I am excited to see where my journey leads, and I look forward to reflecting on my triumphs at the end of the year.
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