I am, by no means, a relationship expert. I have a penchant for being overbearing and pushing the people I care about away. This is a flaw I readily admit I have and desire to fix above all else. That said, I do believe I have a decent understanding of people. At the very least, I could write the book on what NOT to do (and if I was writing it based on personal experience, it would probably rival War and Peace in length). This isn’t really about that, though. I’m not here to dispense relationship advice.
It would be difficult to be a good man or a good woman in any era or culture. Our nature is rarely (if ever) inherently good. It is especially difficult to be a good man in 2015. As a man living in 2015, I know this all too well. But I work at it every day. On this Valentine’s Day of 2015, I do not want to write about love lost or love that is yet to be fully discovered. Instead, I have a message for both the men and the ladies. I’ll start with the guys.
It takes a lot to be a man.
Too many people have a misconception of what “being a man” actually entails. No, if you were to provide photographic evidence of what a man should look like, it would not be Meathead Rob Lowe. Being a man is so much more of a state of mind, attitude, and action than it is a physical accomplishment. Being a man is not measured by how much you build your body at the gym. It is measured by how much you put into building up others and building your own character.
As a teacher, one of the most frustrating aspects of my job is seeing how much society has failed our young people. So many of my boys have such an extremely warped view (influenced by their musical and television preferences as well as familial sources) of what a man should be and how a man should treat a woman. It bothers me. Actually, “bother” is not quite what I’m looking for. It infuriates me. Real men do not "holla" at women or call them any number of unkind names. They do not "expose" these women at the first sign of trouble or rejection. As a society, we need to step up and behave as men. The boyish behavior must be left behind.
Being a man does not entail putting on a façade of invincibility. Everyone has areas that hurt more than others. Whether we want to admit it or not, we all have a breaking point. Being a man requires a recognition and admission of our strengths and weaknesses. It requires taking responsibility for our actions. A real man never plays the blame game. If things don’t work in his favor, he works even harder in hopes that the ball bounces his way next time.
The measure of a man is not the wealth or power he has accumulated but rather what he has put into others. A man sacrifices time and energy to not only improve his own well-being but also the well-being of those in whom he has invested. A real man knows that the greatest wealth and power lies in the legacy he leaves behind.
Every woman deserves a real man. This does not mean that you bend over backwards and overdo things to try to fulfill her every whim. I have been guilty of this far more times than I wish to count. However, real men do not look at women as another tool in their belt or a feather in their cap. Women are to be treated with respect without exception. Real men view women as a partner and confidante. Every man needs a reason. A good woman is that reason.
Men, if you find a good woman out there (and I know they exist), love her. Respect her. Cherish her. Don’t smother her. Let her be an independent individual. Work at building something special together. Remember, anything hastily built will crumble. That which is built to last takes time.
It takes a lot to know a man.
Ladies, I have a message for you too. I can only imagine how tough it is to live as a woman. I can’t say I know or will ever know those difficulties firsthand, but I do hope that you can find meaning in what I have to say.
We men are not going to be perfect. It is in our nature to say and do stupid things. Sometimes we do it unknowingly, but sometimes we will say something or send a text and immediately realize how ridiculous we are. Please have patience with us. Sometimes we do dumb things because we’re trying too hard. We only try too hard when we REALLY care.
Not all of us are good men, just as I’m sure that not all women are good women. Sometimes we want to convince ourselves that the person we are with is good deep down, but actions speak louder than a thousand blog posts. Any man who does not treat you with the respect and care that you deserve is not a man who deserves your presence in his life. You deserve the best. Never convince yourself otherwise.
When you find a good man (and I can guarantee you that good men do, indeed, still exist), hold on to him. Support him. Respect him as he respects you. Be the partner and confidante he needs. Behind every good man is a great woman. Inspire him to reach heights he never could have dreamed of reaching before you entered his life.
I know many of you have been wrapped up in the whole Fifty Shades of Grey craze, and if you are, I won’t judge you. I might poke a little fun at you, but I won’t judge! Maybe I would enjoy those too if I were a woman. Just don’t get the idea that your dream man has to be a Christian Grey or a Gideon Cross. A good man who is devoted to you and has fallen for you beats the pants off the mysterious yet tragically flawed and emotionally distant man. A man who loves you for who you are should be enough. If you have that, all the other fun stuff should fall into place.
To the men and the ladies:
It’s a tough world out there, and life doesn’t do us any favors. Despite that, I truly believe if we are the way we are supposed to be, things will fall into place. It might not happen right away, but it will. Be patient. Be picky (in a good way). Don’t settle for less than the best, and definitely don’t settle for anything less than your best.
