Forgive me if I’m rusty. It’s been a while, after all…
Yes, I do still exist. After engaging in the longest writing hiatus I have taken in years, I think it’s about time to catch you up on everything that has happened. A lot has transpired since I last wrote. I’m not even sure where to start…
The Job
My third year at AAA Academy was by far the most challenging. The entrance interview at the beginning of the year set the tone when my boss, without a hint of irony, says to me “Jakob, you can’t begin to imagine how many times last year I wanted to take you up to the roof of the building, put a rope around your neck, and throw you off the roof.”
In the middle of the year, right around the time I felt like I finally had a grip on my class, my co-teacher and I were informed that we were going to be teaching a different class for the second semester. I found myself working as a special education teacher (despite having no training or certification to do so). I can honestly say that I loved those children, but I have to admit that it completely drained me. I knew that if I had to do it for much longer, I would have completely burned out of the teaching profession. Somehow, I had just enough in me to make it through the school year.
I entered the summer once again in search of that elusive full-time teaching position in a public school. I had one more tool in my arsenal this time around, however: my master’s degree. That degree immediately paid dividends, as I had exponentially more interviews than I had in previous years. One interesting thing I discovered was that each school and district had vastly different interview processes, from the number of rounds to the interviewers to the lines of questioning. After six years, I can proudly state that the long wait is over. In July, I was offered (and subsequently accepted) a position as Reading/RTI Instructor at Prairie-Hills Junior High. I can’t begin to express how much better of a situation this is for me in virtually every way, and I am excited to make my mark in a new school. While I am grateful to my previous employer for the opportunity to get my feet wet in education, it was time to pursue new opportunities. Onward and upward!
The Family
In March, I became an uncle for the first time. My sister gave birth to a little pocketful of sunshine named Hadley Rose. To say I absolutely adore this child would be an understatement. I’ve already told Heidi not to have any more children because Hadley is going to be my favorite. There’s just something special about her. I know I’m not the only family member she has wrapped around her finger.
Confession time: Even though I was extremely happy for my sister and brother in law when Hadley was born and completely fell in love with Hadley when I met her for the first time, I have to admit that I suffered from some mixed emotions at the time. I looked at my own life and got really frustrated by the lack of wife and children. I couldn’t escape the thought, “When is it going to be my time?”
I struggled with that for a little while, but if there’s one thing I’m starting to *finally* get a grasp of in 2015, it’s that life does not operate by my timeframes and schedules. I’ll be a good parent someday. I’m not worried about if or when it happens. There is plenty life to be enjoyed in the meantime.
The Girl
For close to two years, the space in my heart reserved for romance was occupied by one young lady. If you’re reading this, you’re probably rolling your eyes because you know exactly to whom I am referring. Since I can guarantee there’s virtually no chance she is reading this, let’s call her Kim.
Kim and I had a tumultuous relationship with one another to say the least. I was so desperate for her adulation and approval that I changed over time into a shell of who I was and a far cry from the person I was capable of being. I thought I needed to do everything in my power to let her know I cared to the extent I actually started caring about Pittsburgh sports teams (ugh). Everything I did for a long stretch was done with her in mind. At times, it looked like things were paying off, but every time I got close to succeeding, the rug got pulled out from under me. For the longest time, I blamed myself for it. I thought If I started doing this or stopped doing that, it would be enough. Unfortunately, it would never be enough.
Eventually I got tired of it. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to walk away from her completely, so I said some things that I knew would make her want to get rid of me. Was that necessarily the best course of action? Of course not. Do I regret it sometimes? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But I finally realized I had to get to a point where I didn’t base my own self-worth and enjoyment of life on someone else.
I have found so many similarities between 2015 and 2008. Both were years of major transition and new opportunities within education. In both situations, I was probably at my worst when it came to women. I wish I could say I learned my lesson from 2008, but I didn’t. There are so many parallels between how things were with Kim and how they were with Stacie back in 2008. In both cases I pressed too hard trying to make something happen. Unfortunately, in life you do not always get out what you put in. Mr. Maday’s function machine does not relate to interpersonal relationships. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough for Stacie to give me a chance. I should’ve accepted that. It took her taking the steps to delete me from her life for me to get it.
Things were even worse with Kim. What she said and what she actually did were two very different things. Because I so badly wanted things to work in my favor, I decided to ignore how things were and clung desperately to the hope of her words. As time went on, she had no intention of meeting me or of giving me a chance. I let her string me along. It took me a long time to realize I’m better than that.
Kim broke me, yet I am not a broken man. That season of my life broke me of a number of bad habits, of obsessive tendencies, and of the belief that something HAS to happen simply because I want it to happen. Things are going to work out with whomever they are supposed to work with when they’re supposed to work. I’m not sweating it. I know my worth, and I’m not about to waste my time on someone who doesn’t. I don’t feel the stress that I had felt anymore, and there’s a weight lifted off my shoulders.
I stand today because of all the times I have fallen
When you get hit hard, it can be difficult to force yourself to get back up. When you are chronically failing, giving up seems like an increasingly palatable option. I say this as someone who needed an elevator to go UP to rock bottom. Before I got this job, I had to have filled out close to 500 job applications. I had over two dozen interviews. Doors consistently closed in my face, and I had no idea what to do to change my situation.
When I was younger, I had a paralyzing fear of failure. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being good enough (whether in my own mind or in the opinion of others), and it really held me back from going for things. The older I’ve gotten, the more I have realized that defeat isn’t the worst thing. Adversity doesn’t ruin you; it simply means you’ve been battle tested. Each defeat has made me a little stronger, a little smarter, and a little savvier. I am a better man today not because of the good I have done, but for the times I was not quite good enough.
While I was obsessed with the idea of spending the rest of my life with Kim, I took a number of steps back as a person. I am not blaming that on her. My regression was my doing. I apologize for wasting the time of those who had to talk me off many proverbial ledges, but ultimately I’m a better man for it. My failure with Kim broke me of habits and mindsets that should have been broken long ago. The lady I date next will get a better Jakob as a result.
If you are reading this and are frustrated with your current lot in life, all I can do is encourage you to keep going. Things won’t be easy. As a child, I had this idea that life wouldn’t be challenging. Unfortunately, for most of us, life doesn’t come with an “Easy Mode”. Fight hard. Accept your failures. Let them mold you into something better.
I’m not at the top of the world yet, but I’m ascending. I certainly don’t mind the view from up here.
