I am still having a lot of difficulty wrapping my head around the notion that I am merely hours (not days, weeks, months or years at this point… only hours) away from turning 30 years of age. My 20s were… an experience. As I close this chapter, I find it appropriate to reflect on what was, how it brought me to what is, and preview where I want to be. A disclaimer: I am going to be brutally hard on myself here. Maybe that’s not the best thing, but I always believe in being honest with myself and with you, the reader.
I am not going to look back on my twenties as favorably as I would have liked. Too often this decade felt more like a blooper reel than a highlight reel. It was dotted with magnificent failures and missteps. I know the dangers associated with dwelling on the past, but some things never leave you. I think of the letter I got from a girl telling me all the reasons she wouldn’t date me when I was 20 and not getting served at 21 when I visited the ice cream shop where she worked. I think of getting stood up in Florida and losing my wallet hours later when I was 22. At 23, I fell in love for the first time, only for the girl I loved to pick the other guy in the triangle. At 24, one of my best friends from childhood basically told me I hadn’t done anything worth being proud of at that point. At 26, my boss thought so little of me that she waited until the day before the school year started to tell me I was laid off. At 27, she told me that she wished she could hang me. At 28, I lost a job despite receiving favorable performance reviews due to some shifts, and the powers that be couldn’t be bothered to even try to bring me back. At 29, I nearly had the breakdown I narrowly avoided at 21 and 28 and obsessed over someone who couldn’t be bothered to care if I was still on this planet, let alone anything deeper than that.
I lost a lot in my 20s with very little to show for it. Friends moved away and moved on me. Other friends and acquaintances passed away way too young. I lost one of the few extended family members who truly understood me. I was passed over for countless jobs and opportunities. I felt like I was unknowingly cast as “good, but not good enough”. Maybe I’ve deserved everything I have received. Perhaps there was a step in the process I missed. Maybe things came too easy for me when I was young, and my 20s were my comeuppance.
I don’t want this post to be entirely doom and gloom. There were some successes over the course of the past ten years. The person I am today is crafted directly in the image of who I always wanted to be. The way I talk, dress, and look all took a while to come together, but I am pleased that it finally did. My interests had to be given time to be cultivated, and while some might look at me as an odd amalgam of interests, I am passionate about a number of things all across the spectrum ranging from the important to the absurd. I am comfortable in my own skin and don’t turn away from who I see in the mirror. I finished college and grad school with measurable success, and while my career has not necessarily taken the trajectory I had hoped, I can take a measure of pride in what I have accomplished in the classroom, both as a teacher and as a student.
I entered my twenties with one eye looking forward but the other eye firmly focused on the paths I had already traveled. As the decade progressed, I improved on averting my gaze from the past and focusing more on the present and the future. For so long, I idolized the past. I desperately wanted to find a way to go back to a simpler time. Those days are over, and it is not healthy to dwell on them. Stone is an afterthought these days, as are many other places from my younger years. It is okay to visit these memories from time to time, but I no longer have the desire to dwell on them for any period of time.
As I enter my 30s, I am admittedly struggling with some degree of fear and uncertainty. The older I get, the more I have to accept the notion that some of my dreams may never come to fruition. With each day that passes, my chances of becoming WWE Champion drastically diminish. The longer I stay in education, the likelihood that I will become wealthy becomes lower and lower. Things I thought would have happened by now (the marriage, the house, the family, etc.) have yet to come to fruition, and I have to be content whether they happen or not. There's a girl who has become my best friend, and I love her very much. It might never be anything past friendship. I have to be okay with however it ends. I’m probably not going to have the good fortune of having my girlfriend plan an elaborate marriage proposal to me (as one of my childhood friends did) or complain about inept coworkers and translate that into a hefty raise (as another childhood friend did), but I have to be okay.
I don’t know what’s coming next, but I have to believe that the many battles I have conquered have prepared me for what is to come. I don’t know that I’ll ever get the things I want, but I have a good feeling that no matter what, I’m going to be okay.
Monday, April 3, 2017
20 Things I Learned in My 20s
Blog posts consisting entirely of lists are admittedly lazy. However, I do have a less lazy and more thoughtful post coming this evening as well, and the material in this post would not fit well within that post.
My 20s were not as fruitful a decade as I would have wished or even prognosticated, yet I still learned a number of lessons. I would say the decade as a whole could be chalked up to a learning experience. Here are 20 lessons I learned (in no particular order).
1. Degrees from institutions of higher learning do not make you “smarter”. However, they do open doors.
2. It’s okay to fail. In fact, it is better to fail magnificently than it is to never even attempt to succeed.
3. The separation is in the preparation. It is easier to succeed when you have a plan.
4. However, there are some things for which you simply cannot plan. Adapt and adjust, or get lost in the shuffle.
5. As your age grows, so does the percentage of things that you realize are out of your control.
6. Many opportunities unfortunately cannot be earned. They are either given or they are not, often times seemingly without rhyme or reason.
7. People are going to move on without you. You are going to move on from some people. This is not always done with malice but is rather a byproduct of different growth trajectories.
8. If you are so desperate for something, you can interpret virtually anything as a “sign” that thing is meant to happen. Stop searching for signs. Just live.
9. A goal changed is not a goal failed. Do not pursue a goal you for which no longer have a passion simply out of stubbornness. Roll with the curves.
10. Many timelines are good in theory only. The greater the importance you place on timelines, the more disappointed you will be with your life.
11. Attack your job with ferocity while you are at work. As soon as you walk out the door to end your day, leave it alone until you walk back in the following day.
12. Death is the only door that ever truly remains closed. All other doors can be reopened with enough patience and/or persistence.
13. Be generous with the things that mean the most to you. It is no great feat to show generosity with the things that matter little to you. Give of your best fruits.
14. Everything is impossible until it is possible. When it becomes possible, it can no longer be impossible.
15. Be careful to not fall into the trap of seeing others for who we want them to be or believe they can eventually become whilst losing sight of who they actually are.
16. Seeking the advice of a number of people does not ensure that the situation for which you are seeking advice will end favorably. It does, however, ensure that a significant number of people are aware of your business (and can use it against you later).
17. The greatest thing you can invest in is people. The returns far surpass any monetary value.
18. It is important to remember that love not only is a challenge but also that love is dynamic and not static. It requires your greatest effort and your greatest care.
19. Both the power and finesse approaches have their merits. It takes great discernment to know which approach is most appropriate in a given situation.
20. Happiness is not always there for the taking, but contentment is. More often than not, you will not have what you want. You can always make the decision to want what you have.
My 20s were not as fruitful a decade as I would have wished or even prognosticated, yet I still learned a number of lessons. I would say the decade as a whole could be chalked up to a learning experience. Here are 20 lessons I learned (in no particular order).
1. Degrees from institutions of higher learning do not make you “smarter”. However, they do open doors.
2. It’s okay to fail. In fact, it is better to fail magnificently than it is to never even attempt to succeed.
3. The separation is in the preparation. It is easier to succeed when you have a plan.
4. However, there are some things for which you simply cannot plan. Adapt and adjust, or get lost in the shuffle.
5. As your age grows, so does the percentage of things that you realize are out of your control.
6. Many opportunities unfortunately cannot be earned. They are either given or they are not, often times seemingly without rhyme or reason.
7. People are going to move on without you. You are going to move on from some people. This is not always done with malice but is rather a byproduct of different growth trajectories.
8. If you are so desperate for something, you can interpret virtually anything as a “sign” that thing is meant to happen. Stop searching for signs. Just live.
9. A goal changed is not a goal failed. Do not pursue a goal you for which no longer have a passion simply out of stubbornness. Roll with the curves.
10. Many timelines are good in theory only. The greater the importance you place on timelines, the more disappointed you will be with your life.
11. Attack your job with ferocity while you are at work. As soon as you walk out the door to end your day, leave it alone until you walk back in the following day.
12. Death is the only door that ever truly remains closed. All other doors can be reopened with enough patience and/or persistence.
13. Be generous with the things that mean the most to you. It is no great feat to show generosity with the things that matter little to you. Give of your best fruits.
14. Everything is impossible until it is possible. When it becomes possible, it can no longer be impossible.
15. Be careful to not fall into the trap of seeing others for who we want them to be or believe they can eventually become whilst losing sight of who they actually are.
16. Seeking the advice of a number of people does not ensure that the situation for which you are seeking advice will end favorably. It does, however, ensure that a significant number of people are aware of your business (and can use it against you later).
17. The greatest thing you can invest in is people. The returns far surpass any monetary value.
18. It is important to remember that love not only is a challenge but also that love is dynamic and not static. It requires your greatest effort and your greatest care.
19. Both the power and finesse approaches have their merits. It takes great discernment to know which approach is most appropriate in a given situation.
20. Happiness is not always there for the taking, but contentment is. More often than not, you will not have what you want. You can always make the decision to want what you have.
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