Reality Check

So, a couple days ago, I ran my mouth off in a blog as usual. I say whatever I feel like without any fear of repercussions. But never in my life have those words felt so trivial.

Yesterday, March 28, 2006, a lifelong friend was taken from us. Katie Prosapio was killed in a horrific car crash. Let me take some time to talk about our friendship and the person she was.

Katie and I met in preschool/Sunday School. Over the next fifteen years, we moved from acquaintances to friendly rivals (in the Spelling Bee and Math Olympics) to good friends. She always had an ear for listening. I remember specifically one night in 2000 where I talked to her over 5 hours straight about my obsession with Becky Jackson. She could've easily just hung up, but she was there for me.

As we graduated from SCCA and only got together at church and in the youth group, our friendship actually grew, as was the case with most of my Stone friends. We'd talk nearly everyday on the phone. I remember the period between 2002-2003 where her grandfather passed away and we were both in a depressive rebellious stage. We would talk for hours about all these things we were going to do, though we both knew that we'd never do those things. As the years went on since 2003, we spoke less as our lives moved in different directions, but we still were friends.

Katie had a knack for making people feel special. She called on my birthday every year since 2000. Next Tuesday's going to feel so empty. The last time we talked was on Super Bowl Sunday. She had remembered that I am a huge Seahawks fan, so she called at halftime to wish my team luck. I had no idea it would be the last time we'd ever talk. She even quit her job in the summer of 2004 to show loyalty to an old friend. That's the kind of person she was.

Katie taught me two things about life. One, it was alright for guys and girls to just be friends without any pressure of romance. It took me many years to figure that out. Also, she taught me how to follow after God's will wholeheartedly and never look back. The world's gotten a lot emptier, but heaven's gotten a fresh infusion.

To those of you who are still remaining and feel the same way as myself, never forget to love. Life is short. Love to live and live to love. Never let anyone slip through the cracks. You never want to miss out on one more chance. I apologize for not being as good as I could have been these last few years, but I thank God for giving me chances time after time after time. I love you all, and I know we'll be strong.

Some Thoughts

Hello, hello. It's been a while since I made public the thoughts in my mind, so I decided it was expedient to do so today in the form of a blog.

First things first, my 19th birthday is April 4th. Please shower me with love and affection on that day.

Now, on the matter at hand. In thinking about my successes and failures in the dating world, I have come to the realization that at this point in my life there are only between 3-5 people I could see myself being with, 3 for sure (I'm not saying there could be more in the future, but as for now, it's only this many). Unfortunately, one of them lives on the East Coast, one in Southern (though she'd probably say Central) Illinois, and one in the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago. To top it off, one (whose personality arguably completes mine best of the three) has a boyfriend whom I do not really know but I dislike anyways. Seems like a buttface, but who knows.

That is where I am at a dilemma. In any of these three situations, what do I do? It is not necessarily the best decision to make a long distance pursuit. What's more, at what cost am I willing to take a risk? Is it worth bringing uncomfortability to a friendship? This brings up the idea of selfishness. Is it selfish for me to act on my own desires if it possibly endangers another? Am I wrong in seeking personal fulfillment instead of enriching others? Do I sit back and make people feel better where most of the time I'm not feeling all that great about myself? These are the questions I must consider as I live each day of my life.

It has been brought to my attention that one of my greatest qualities is making "others feel comfortable". That is a good quality to have, I guess. That quality has sort of allowed me to serve as a buffer zone for some girls. After a rough breakup, they come to me for encouragement and rebuilding, all the while knowing that we are not meant to be, nor do I have a desire for us to be. As I encourage them and build them up, I help them get to a point where they are ready to move on with their lives. Once they do, I am discarded. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, nor am I bitter towards them. I'm just stating how it is. However, will there come a point where my well of comfortability and buffering will run dry?

These are the things I am considering in my life. Ultimately, it boils down to this. Is it alright for us to look out for ourselves, and if it is, what is the point of no return? How can we realize we have gone too far, and how can we get things under control after that.

No matter my choices, remember I still love you, and that your choices are no better or worse than mine. The places we'll go will be great, but we will need to endure the not-so-great places to soar above the rest.