As I emerge from what has to be the lengthiest writing hiatus I have taken in my adult years, I find myself in the unique position of having a lot to say but a hard time expressing it. That said, I find it important to my own well-being to challenge myself and channel creativity through this outlet, so I guess I will work out the kinks as I go along.
By this point, I am sure the vast majority of you are well aware that I am a man of many interests and a few passions. One of them is pro wrestling. Before you exit this post and run for cover, rest assured that this post will not be about the WWE or any other form of wrestling. That said, the inspiration for the title did come from there. Back in the fall, the champion at the time, Seth Rollins (a guy with whom I share many interests and a similar Midwestern background) incurred a freak injury in the ring and was pronounced out for an extended period of time. Soon after, he took to social media with the phrase “Redesign. Rebuild. Reclaim.” I found that title the perfect place to start my writing again. Each of the words in that phrase has particular meaning to me and my personal journey, and now is probably as good a time as any to share where I have been and where I am going.
REDESIGN
A year ago, I was teetering on the edge. I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. I really could have gone either way. I could either recapture the reins of my life, or I could be lost for good. Fortunately I was able to find inspiration from my failures and use them to refine me into a better man. I learned that it was okay to fail, that I had to face the reality in front of me, and that if I wanted better, I had to be better. I consider it a miracle that I came out of things a better man than I was. As things in my life began to fall into place (the job, the car, the busier social calendar), I realized that the changes I had undergone were just the beginning.
“If I dare open my month, it’ll just be to bite my tongue…”
One of the most humbling things in the era of social media is the “On This Day” feature on Facebook. For those of you unfamiliar with the application, “On This Day” shows you the posts you have made on that date over the duration of your time on the site. I would love to be able to say that I’ve been an awesome guy for a long time, but that quite honestly is not the case. I have been humbled to see that I have been needy at best and completely obnoxious and borderline abrasive at worst. I am too old to act that way. I’m going to be 30(!) next year. To become a man is to leave childish things in the past.
I have always taken pride in being an honest person. If someone asks me a direct question, I am going to give them a direct answer. It is how I was raised. That said, there is a difference between being a man of integrity and being an opinionated blowhard. Unfortunately my history of honesty is accompanied by a history of social media rants and meltdowns that occurred as a direct result of some disappointment or perceived slight in my life. I have burned bridges, damaged friendships, and hurt people I legitimately care about. I took a take me or leave me attitude with people. In hindsight, I don’t blame those who did leave me one bit.
Social media can be a great thing. It allows friendships to continue in the face of time and distance. It also allows new friendships to bloom. This year alone, I have gotten the opportunity to spend time with Shannon, Ken, Tiffany, and Kim in person. I met each of them through various social media and likely would not have met them otherwise. I had no desire to give up social media. However, I had to reinvent or redesign my approach to it.
A lot of people have made comments to me about my diminished presence on Facebook. That has been by design. The world has little use for my opinions. If I have to make the choice of “maintaining a presence” whilst simultaneously sucking as a person or turning off the microphone so to speak, I am going to choose the latter. For that very reason, my blog has been dormant for a while as well. I have learned that the weight of your words is inversely proportionate to the quantity of them. When there is something to say, then say it. Use discretion and discernment to determine what is indeed worth saying. It’s okay to have opinions, feelings, and passions. However, it is not always appropriate to share these things. I have probably learned this lesson later than most, but I am a better person for it.
REBUILD
We built this blog on words and words.
I never had any intention of giving up writing completely, but the longer I went without writing, the harder it was to get back into the routine. In the past, it was commonplace for me to sit down at my computer with little more than a title and a basic idea and emerge 20 minutes later with 2000 words and a piece of writing of which I was fairly proud.
It is my sincerest intention that my writings have never read as overly opinionated or preachy. My sincere intent is to provide an honest look at my life as well as the lessons I have learned. The teacher in me desires for no one to have to make the same mistakes I have made. I see myself as a 29 year old who still has some potential left in him, but as someone who better get moving to reach that potential before that potential vanishes into the night. Because I am hypersensitive to not trying to preach at you, I do intend to change the scope of this blog a bit. The lessons will be there, but the heavy stuff won’t be the bulk of what I say, at least not for this season. I am a man of many interests and passions, and I intend to write about them. For the longest time, I was hesitant to do so because I feared that nobody would read them because nobody cared about the things I care about. I’m going to do it anyway. If I can share my passions with you, I can hopefully give you a better glimpse of the complete Jakob.
Some things we rebuild are more abstract.
We are all shaped to some extent by disappointment, but I personally have allowed disappointment to shape me into something that is not good. People have a prerogative to do what works for them. Sometimes, whether they intend it or not, it will have a negative effect on me. That’s a side effect of living on this planet. I do not have to like every bitter pill that is handed to me. Some of them I do not even have to accept. That said, it is not my right to lash out. I have had to rebuild many relationships over time because of my inability to recognize this. I’m learning.
Another cruel reality of living is that figurative storms will come and destroy what you have built with little warning or little you can do to prevent the destruction. In March, one of those hit my life. I hate being coy, but it’s not the right time to go into detail Someday, I will. It blindsided me and was very damaging to the confidence I had built in both life in general and in myself. It would be extremely easy to simply tap out, and I would be lying if I said the thought did not linger in my mind.
Rebuilding is not an easy process. It means that you built something and for one reason or another have to build again. But remember this (and I have to remind myself this constantly), to be in a rebuilding stage means that you were able to build something once. If you were able to do something once, you can do it again!
RECLAIM
You may want to sit down for this part (if you are not already sitting), because there is going to be some harsh reality coming. I find that with each passing day, I am completely sickened to be a part of this world and a part of this society. Some days I do not even know where to start. I feel like Elliot in the pilot episode of Mr. Robot in which he goes on an intense diatribe (within his head) to his therapist about the things that bother him about the world.
I am embarrassed to live in a country that can’t get along about anything. Every day seemingly presents a new issue to divide the masses. Part of the reason I post infrequently on Facebook is because I have no desire to add to the mindless drivel I see on both sides of the line. I see the Religious Right acting less like the hands and feet of Jesus and more like the mouth of the Pharisees. I see the Social Justice Warriors of the left taking umbrage at every perceived slight. There is no love anymore, just love buttons on social media. It is okay to have opinions. It is okay to disagree. But it is imperative that love stays a part of the equation, or these wars of words and ideologies will create irreparable damages. Can people at least TRY to understand one another?
I hate that I live in a world where it is increasingly impossible to live out of desire but instead there is an indentured servitude to the daily grind. We do things out of survival. We work our 9 to 5 jobs just to have enough to do it again for another two week turn. It bothers me to no end that the rug is constantly pulled out from under those who seem to actually succeed and build momentum, whether in the workplace or in our joke of an electoral process. I loathe the media and the role it plays in creating a hivemind that is not rooted in reality but rather a warped “reality” backed by whatever group decides to line that network’s pocket.
In this vast network of sharks and minnows, where the minnows outnumber the sharks a million to one, why is it that we have yet to converge, to take on the upper hand? Why have we been so scared? Well, not today, not anymore! This is us, growing up, still young but no longer impressionable.
The worst thing I could do is take all of the things I said above and passively resign myself to the notion that things are what they are and that is all they will ever be. Yes, it bothers me that this is the world that Hadley (my niece) and my future children will enter. For lack of a better term, things suck. But I am not about to take it lying down! There are enough of us out there, the intelligent, the young, the hungry. We can do something to reclaim this world and make it a better place not only for us but for the younger ones who do not deserve to enter a game that is rigged for them to fail. We don’t have to agree, but we must work together!
Now is the time for us to get our act together. We are at a point in history like I was last summer where we can go either way. Be smart. Be informed. Inform others without being preachy or judgmental. Find your cause, but only fight about the things worth fighting for. If it doesn’t affect you negatively, why fight against it? Have real conversations. Work together. Whether it’s your house, your school, your neighborhood, your workplace, or something on a larger scale, work to make it better. It is ours to reclaim, and I for one will not go down without a fight.
