The Daily Battles of Relevance

Have you ever been fake for the sake of saving face?
-Cute is What We Aim For, "Do What You Do"


I have spent a sufficient amount of time and words detailing the broader "War of Relevance" here, so I will not recap any of it in this note. If you are curious, you can click the nifty little link and read for yourself.

Equally as important as the war of relevance are the daily battles of relevance. Just like the War of Relevance, these daily battles of relevance often appear innocuous and barely noticeable. They come in a variety of forms and can be potentially dangerous if ignored for too long.

Human beings have an inherent desire to belong. I am not trying to pass myself off as some sort of sage by stating that; it is a simple observation. What troubles me are the lengths that some take in their constant pursuit of belonging.

It starts out small, however. My home page on Facebook is often inundated by pop culture references. One person posts something, and it snowballs to thirty people posting the exact same thing: making reference to an event that had a minimal effect (if any) on their lives at all. Out of the 335 friends I have on here, I doubt that more than 10% could name ten NHL teams. Yet, while the Blackhawks made their run to the Western Conference finals, my main page was constantly plastered with pro-Blackhawks or anti-opponent messages, though most of them had not watched a game all season to that point. When Blink-182 announced their return to the music scene, there were all sorts of status updates made praising their return, one after another, until by the end these updates began to pour in from people who had no knowledge of the band past "Adam's Song" or "All the Small Things".

Posting status updates or Tweets to fit in with the crowd is not hurting anyone, so please do not take this as a personal crusade to eliminate such things. However, these are the beginning of a disturbing trend. Just as people feel the need to post something on Facebook to get the coveted "Like" notification, as a society we feel the need for approval, a need to have our real life "Like button" pressed. We begin to subtly alter who we are to fit into whatever group in which we desire membership. We start watching certain television shows or listening to certain bands so we have something to contribute to the conversation. We alter our speech or even our personal style so that it blends in better with the group. We allow ourselves to become increasingly generic. It is our membership fee for acceptance. The price for hollow victories in the daily battles of relevance is a vanilla society.

In my estimation, there are three general stances taken in these daily battles of relevance. First, there are those whom I discussed above. They are the ones who, to varying extents, allow their pursuit of acceptance to affect their individuality. Unfortunately for them, the pursuit of acceptance never ends, and there is no time for them to rest on their laurels.

The second group is that group who intentionally (and generally quite loudly) bucks the trend of societal norms. At first glance many of these seem to be true individualists and nonconformists, but after more detailed inspection many of them are banded together in a subculture of nonconformity. Embracing anything popular or "trendy" would be risking acceptance in this group. Those belonging to this group will shout their individuality at anyone within hearing range, but in reality, they are nothing more than the other side of the same coin.

The final group is truly inhabited by very few. This group acts not to please others, but to grow in themselves. They are not afraid to take risks or take stands, and though they may not always be right in these stands or risks, they rest well knowing that they were unabashedly themselves. These are the world-changers, the visionaries, the humanitarians. These are the ones who are less concerned with fleeting membership than they are in carving a legacy.

My intent is not to convince you to be part of any of these groups. Admittedly the last group was described in more glowing terms, but my goal is to encourage you to be happy. If you find happiness in feeling just like everyone else, go ahead and do that. If you find your comfort in the vocal minority do that. If you are comfortable in your own skin, then I encourage you to use that comfort to do great things. No matter how you fight these daily battles of relevance, I simply encourage you to not be afraid of being you and do what you do. Nobody can do it better than you.

Allow me to live in the past for a moment.

Today I was particularly reflective, a mood which only was magnified by hanging out with old friends and having a great time. While I am all about moving forward (especially in lieu of my last posting), there are many things and people I miss, good memories that I will always have. I decided to start thinking of a bunch off the top of my head and post them here. Hopefully some of these memories will bring back pleasant thoughts for you as well. Unlike my usual postings, this will primarily be in list form. If I tagged you in this note, you are relevant to one or more of the memories, which means I'm positively disposed to you.

And I still love the things I lost that brought me here
The things I hide behind to make up for the years
This is my heart, the rocking chair years
-"The Rocking Chair Years" by Day at the Fair

Things I Miss(in no particular order)
-Senior High Camp
-Bakers Square on 127th and Ridgeland
-Productive Fridays
-Countless rounds of Super Sudden Death in Super Smash Brothers: Melee
-Staying up all night retelling stories we've told hundreds of times
-ACSB AIM chats
-Rachael and Kim putting glitter on me and calling me Moonbeam
-Spanish 3, 2004-2005 schoolyear
-High school football games with Bob and Rob
-Aldo's Xena scream at Convention 2004
-Porch baseball with Heidi and Andy
-Convos with SJT
-The many sorts of conversations I had with Katie
-Whirlyball
-Junior Year Lunch with Brian Lyons, Murdock, Dirker, and Mike Nelin
-Talking up my Seahawks every Monday(and laughing at a certain older gentleman) in Latin American History
-Tuesday chats with Stacie while she was working downtown
-Tropicana Peach Papaya
-Random middle of the night phone calls from Shannon
-Core, the fact my guys and I were always put in the same small group, and the great leaders we had
-Junior High Church
-Being almost as close to the girls from Stone as I was to the guys
-Any class taught by Dr. Tuttle or Dr. Knowles
-Techno Tuesdays
-Wreaking havoc at Super Target with Nick (and bothering Liz)
-Yearlong poke battles and keeping things "HQ"
-Having a chapel buddy
-Learning how to drive with my dad
-Bowling and Pizza Hut with Dan
-SummerJam at PBC

Wow, it felt good to remember. I wouldn't be where I am today without these things, and without dwelling on them, hopefully I can use these memories to positively fuel me in the present and future. For the past is not to be discarded nor used as a crutch, but it is a resource for growth and learning.

How we survive is what makes us who we are.

Through two events in the past twenty four hours I finally came to the conclusion there has been a prodigious chasm between who I've been and who I need to be. While they are not the usual events that would get me to reconsider my attitude and behavior (as they were a dream and a song), they both served their purpose.

First of all, it would be appropriate to share the dream. Lately I have mostly had nightmares where I am teaching and things horribly fail or that someone is trying to kill me and/or jack my car. I am sure some dream experts could analyze me and figure out why those themes have continued to occur, but they are irrelevant to the purpose of this. Last night's dream was unpleasant, but it was different.

In the dream, I was on vacation with my four closest friends and at a party not unlike a grad party which I will be attending in a few weeks. While there, I was my typical snarky self and made a snide remark about one of the guys there (for those who know me well, you know exactly the kind of comment I'd make). In all honesty, it mirrored real life, because I haven't always been the biggest fan of the guy... clash of personalities. That said, in the dream he took offense to what I said and responded fiercely, and in response to that I more or less crossed a lot of lines in telling him off. It was very public and embarrassing to those who were around. When I returned to the hotel, there was a note from my friends saying "We can't be around you if you're going to be like this. You aren't who you used to be. Sorry." I was stung with the loss of one of the few things I still had going for me, and woke up.

Still thinking about that dream, I went to work out this afternoon while listening to my "Best of Rise Against" mix CD. The track "Survive" came on (as a disclaimer, if you are going to listen to the track, find a clean version...they're a bit strong in the original), and the chorus played.

Life for you has been less than kind
So take a number, stand in line
We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt
But how we survive is what makes us who we are

It finally hit me. I have spent far too long whining about things instead of dealing with them. Life isn't great, but who am I to think that my life is worse than that of anyone else? Why am I so pompous to believe that the magnitude of my struggles are significantly greater than those around me? It is time to stop being a jerk, to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to let go. I need to admit my losses instead of continually trying to salvage unwinnable situations. It's time for less whining and more surviving.

Concerning the Domino Effect

The Domino Effect: One innocuous event influences another until nothing is quite as it was.

If we took the time to closely examine our lives, we would most likely find that components of our current lives can trace their lineage to an event, minute or grandiose, which previously occurred. Quite often these initial events seem unobtrusive, but upon closer inspection serve as catalysts for large things.

Lately I have taken the time to take a look at where I am now as well as the route it took me to get to this point. Some large decisions understandably influenced many things. Since I was not victorious in the Founder's Scholarship competition at Trinity Christian in February 2005, I ultimately decided to take the money Olivet was offering me. Thanks to deciding to go to Olivet, many dominoes fell as a result. Aside from the obvious fact that I would not have met the people I did at ONU if I did not attend the school, I also would not have worked at Target, because my class schedule at Trinity would not have been as compact. The placements I had for observations as well as student teaching likely would have differed both in their location and timing, and I would not have met the people that I did.

Small events that have occurred in my life have also set the groundwork for momentous occasions. Were it not for my cousin Andy going to Belgium last year, I would not have gone to Florida this spring. Since telephone communication would have been impractical, I bought a webcam and used Skype to communicate. Because I had a webcam, I decided to give Stickam a try, met Shannon in January, and decided to go to Florida as a result. If my cousin had stayed at U of I that semester, none of that would have likely happened.

Likewise, if my initial teaching observation had not bounced around from school to school, I may never have lost weight last year. Winding up at Bremen led to a student passing me a school newspaper, which led to me searching a girl on MySpace, which led to a friendship and eventual failed romantic pursuit, which led to her telling me that she was not physically attracted to me, which led to me killing myself at the gym 6-7 days a week last summer. While my initial motives were not the most upstanding (and they eventually changed), it can be argued that the groundwork for my weight loss began in March 2006.

While the domino effect is a very intriguing phenomenon, it unfortunately can be manipulated to be used as a replacement for personal responsibility. Too often we push aside any blame for failures or mistakes on events which previously occurred. Trust me, I have done it myself. For years, I claimed that my pursuit of Becky Jackson in 2000 failed because I was sabotaged by those who introduced me to her. While that may or may not have happened, the fact of the matter is that I was a creep who called and hung up 20 times. Those saboteurs did not put a gun to my head to force me to do that. While the dominoes fell to get me to that point, the ultimate decision was made by me.

While this was less coherent than I would have liked (and trust me, the ideas I had in the shower when I were thinking this up were so much greater, but alas I had no pen or paper), what I believe I am trying to convey is that the domino effect is an amazing phenomenon, but it is not immune to human responsibility. For the most part, we can positively or negatively affect our situations. No sense letting life simulate itself. Time to win or lose.

Second Verse, Same as the First

Here I am, now 22 years old in 2009, feeling very much as I did a year ago. While I look much different than my April 2008 counterpart and some of the settings have not changed, I find myself in similar situations.

When I was a senior in high school my math teacher, the legendary Larry Maday, introduced us to the function machine. It was, in his words, “a crude machine, but a reliable one.” No matter what, if you insert an x into the machine, a y would emerge from the other end. While that was the last math class I have taken, the lesson of the function machine has continued to serve me in practical situations.

April 2009 has been very similar to 2008. I face uncertainty regarding which school I will teach history to students. I also have put myself in a relational pursuit that does not seem geared to my particular drive and abilities. I will be completely honest. Last year, I was not happy. Things did not go as I would have liked. Sure, some things turned out decently in the end, but the journey to get to that point was not enjoyable.

When faced with these situations, I initially forgot the lesson of the function machine. I put in the same x as I always have and was surprised to be consistently met with y after y as a result. Stubbornly I have used the same modus operandi and continue to be met with the same failure, hoping that just once I will break through. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that it is some sort of admirable drive or determination but rather arrogance… or worse, insanity.

So what do I do? Ultimately I have to attack things differently, or the lessons I learned in 2008 will have been in vain. I no longer will settle for failure, for being a punch line, or for being treated consistently worse than I deserve. It is time to regroup and time for reinvention.

A function machine similar to the Maday model.

Waiting for Spring

About five years ago while I was at my friend Rob’s house playing Risk he had his typical techno playlist in the background. A song came by an artist named Scooter entitled “Waiting for Spring”. The contents of the song and my positive feelings toward the song are irrelevant for this post, but that thought has stuck with me… the idea of waiting for spring.

Those of you who know me well probably know that my favorite seasons are in descending order. Spring is my favorite, followed by summer, fall, and winter. I absolutely loathe winter. The cold, the snow, the miserable feeling, and the inevitable sickness are all things I could do without. Conversely, I love spring. The return of green to the landscape, the warming of the temperature, and even spring rains all serve to create a positive feeling inside. The feeling that cold misery is being replaced by a fresh start is such a joyful feeling for me.

In looking back to my three favorite years (2000, 2003, and 2004), a common thread in each was an amazing spring. In 2000, I had my first real crush and an amazing 13th Birthday Party. In 2003, winter was marred by an ugly feud and a falling out with my youth group. With spring came a new relationship with a girl, reconciliation with an old friend, and a different youth group that was exactly what I needed. Spring 2003 set the stage for the greatest summer of my life. In 2004 I was plagued with sickness and unpopularity at high school due to my own stupidity. When spring arrived I finally started to take responsibility for my own actions, and the rest of 2004 was incredible.

That brings us to 2009. This year has not gone as smoothly as I would have preferred thus far, though I have no measurable complaints. I am just getting over my winter sickness, and I anxiously await the arrival of spring. There are so many great things on the horizon. Soon enough I will have the opportunity to see old friends once again. I am on the brink of achieving my main goal of full time employment (which I am so excited for) as well as possibly a new relationship. It is time for new beginnings and great successes!

That said, I am waiting for spring. Perhaps more than any other spring in my life, I anxiously await the new beginnings. Viva Spring!

Anti V-Day Post, Version 4.0

Those of you who know me well should not be surprised by this entry. In fact, it is one of the few traditions I still hold to. This is going to be different than in years past.

Let’s set a few things straight. I am not here to lament my current situation, nor am I going to cry over the spilt milk of my past pursuits. In fact, I am going to man up and take responsibility for each and every one of my previous failures. They were all undeniably my fault. Over the course of time I have been guilty of being shy, creepy, awkward, pushy, over-the-top, and overbearing. I do not deny any of these allegations. Unfortunately they were an unwanted side effect of growing up. A lot of them have finally gone away, and the wool is off my eyes so I can admit that I was guilty of a lot of foolishness. I am thankful for that at least.

Outside of the two-edged sword that is being Jakob Duehr, there have been other reasons for my failures. A large one is the notion that I have pursued people that were absolutely wrong for me. The past 18 months I have more or less run the gauntlet of people that I had no reason of involving myself with. I’m not saying that they are awful people or scum of the earth or anything like that. However, their current situations and views were utterly incompatible with mine, and I was a complete idiot for thinking otherwise. Again, I take all responsibility for it.

My current situation really is not all that awful. I can talk to potential interests without coming across as a total loser these days, and there’s a certain confidence that accompanies me these days. I no longer fear failure, as I have tasted its venom and have managed to survive. I even met someone pretty exciting a little while back. Though I am growing increasingly frustrated by the lack of contact I have had with this new someone as of late, I am definitely interested in seeing where it takes me, if anywhere.

All that I have written above brings me to the fourteenth day of February. I am not so arrogant to suggest that the holiday on that date be abolished. I don’t really mind all the jewelry commercials, and I’m sure the candy stores and florists don’t mind the temporary boost in sales. However, the day serves as a bitter pill for me. It is a 24 hour reminder that where I am in that facet of my life does not match where I would like to be. In some cases, it is a reminder that others have what I wanted.

Lastly, don’t even think of commenting this with “the right one is out there for you somewhere”. I know that, so don’t bother telling me that. It’s not an issue of if. I’m just not all that excited about waiting.

Something I saw in one of the aforementioned jewelry commercials

Resolve, Fortitude, Honor

I have an astonishingly good track record of keeping my New Year's Resolutions. In 2003, I learned how to do the Worm. In 2007, I completed six of the seven steps for self-optimization, and the only one I did not complete (bring weight to below 190 pounds) became my resolution for 2008. That goal was shattered by over 20 pounds by my 61 pound weight loss.

Based on that high degree of success, I have decided to go on the attack this year. Simply making one resolution or setting one goal for 2009 is just not appropriate. Therefore, I have decided to make resolutions in nine different areas of my life. I have taken these nine areas and made at least one goal in each area. Without further ado, these are my goals for 2009.

Physical Goals
-Possess the ability to complete 10,000 crunches in one sitting. At this point I am able to do 3,500 crunches, so I am getting there. It is a test of fortitude and resolve, but should I complete it, I probably will be well on my way to my next goal.
-Get an abdominal six-pack. I am so much closer to that than I was nine months ago, but there is still some work to be done.
-If I achieve success in both those areas with a sufficient amount of time remaining in the year, I will add the goal of 333 push-ups in one sitting.

Maturity/Adulthood Goals
Since I am now a college graduate soon to live on my own, I need to increase my self-sufficiency. As such, there are some things I need to learn how to do.

-Learn how to do my laundry. Yes, I have much to learn in this area.
-Become more proactive in keeping my space clean.
-Become a better cook. I can boil water and put stuff in the oven and microwave. I'd like to be able to have one go-to meal so that I can impress my friends, family, and future significant other with my culinary skills.

Professional Goal
-Attain a full-time teaching job. I have a degree; it is time to use it. It's as simple as that.

Social Goals
-Maintain the friendships I have. I have been blessed to have been surrounded by some absolutely amazing people. It is my job to ensure things stay that way.
-Make five new friends. You can never have too many friends. It is time to expand my friendly horizons by adding at least five friends. Only two of them can be met via the internet or other electronic means (I have met one so far).

Appearance Goals
-Continue to find myself in how I present myself. I've branched out and started to dress more "me" instead of how I thought I was supposed to dress.
-Add another tattoo or get the labret pierced (which has always been an interest of mine) while maintaining the professionalism required of a rookie teacher.

Dating Goals
-Have one fulfilling dating relationship. I would definitely enjoy having a young lady to spend my time with who has the ability to make me happy and complement my strengths and weaknesses. Distance is not an issue; the ability to connect is.
-Change the way I've gone about dating in the past. Scale down the intensity other than when necessary. Take each day at a time, and walk away before making a fool out of myself by overreacting. Make use of every opportunity to let her know how amazing she is without giving an illusion of objectification.

Personality Goals
-Minimize fear of failure. Leave no stone unturned in terms of life and its risks. You never know unless you try.
-Learn how to effectively use sarcasm. I tend to overdo it and hurt feelings. I am going to do my best to be more caring.

Philosophical Goals
-Complete development of "Relevant Christianity" worldview. I am in the process of composing the components for my belief system to better explain it when asked by others. Once I've completed it, I'll probably be better equipped to live it.
-Read three books of a philosophical or metaphysical theme. Actually, I plan on reading one classic philosophical work, one modern philosophical work, and one metaphysical work. Whether I end up agreeing with what I read is irrelevant. It is just a way to broaden my horizons.

Miscellaneous Goals and Achievements
-Go on a road trip. I've been dreaming up a road trip to go with one of my buddies on that will take us down the East Coast. It would be amazing if it happened. I just need to get out of Illinois, as I have not departed the state in nearly five years.
-Take a camping trip. This is unrelated to the road trip. I have the physical capacity to camp now and am no longer afraid of the outdoors. I wimped out on too many things during my teen years. It is time to live.
-If I have a [specific] girlfriend, take her on the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier in Chicago. If I don't have said g/f, this goal is irrelevant. However, if I do, this is a must.

I am putting a lot on my plate this year. I know it. I'm a big boy now. II can only succeed as high as I aim. I will keep you updated on the status of my goals throughout the year. For once in my life, I am not afraid to live. Here's a line from one of my favorite songs.

I will breathe in and know what it feels to feel alive. I'm alive.
-Day at the Fair, "Monday Morning"

2009: Failure is Not an Option

Per my usual, 2008 in review

Alright, so this year is coming to a merciful close. There wasn't a hugely compelling reason to hate the year, but for the most part I definitely didn't enjoy it. In fact, as far as this decade goes, the only year I liked less was 2005. It's not to say this year didn't have its moments, but the good things took a lot of work. Well, with all that said, here it goes. It won't be as detailed as in previous years because there's honestly a lot I've forgotten.

January: Started the year off with my guys. It was a good time. Went down to Champaign to watch the Royal Rumble. New semester. Big fight with a girl.

February: I was working at Target the day the Lane Bryant shooting happened across the lot. Scary stuff. Also started observations at Lincoln-Way Central.

March: Surprise early birthday party. Resolved the fight of January. Student teaching placement bounced from school to school

April: 21st Birthday. Being straightedge I did not partake in any drinking. Give me snide comments if you wish. End of my last normal semester as a student.

May: Began weight loss. Got my first tattoo. Went to Cubs game and odd concert at O'Malley's. Started the month 230 pounds. Ended at 217.

June: Work actually started getting fun again. Fell out of favor with a friend. (Turned out it wasn't my fault) Continued weight loss. Ended month at 204 pounds.

July: My cousin got back from Europe. Fun times at the grandparents' pool. Retired from Target. Ended month at 188 pounds.

August: Student teaching at Richards began. Completed my 50 pounds of weight loss (I would go on to lose another 11 to end at 169 pounds, the lightest I've been since January 2002).

September: Got deeper into student teaching. Started connecting with the kids. Went to a wedding.

October: Intense student teaching. Kicked my rear to the point I was going to bed at 9:30.

November: Ended student teaching. The kids were amazing, and I absolutely miss them.

December: Waiting for my paperwork for graduation and certification to process. Got to see a lot of old friends. Possibly on the brink of some new things.

So all in all the year was tough. The glories of getting in shape and student teaching did not come without hard work and sacrifice. 2009 I know will bring a lot of changes. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't apprehensive, but I am anxious to get out of this year.

The War of Relevance

Sometimes it seems life is nothing more than a constant fight. These battles take a variety of shapes and forms. Some of us have to fight physical battles, whether in an actual scuffle with another or due to a disease or infirmity. Some fight mental and emotional battles, whether in relationships, personal willpower, and other psychological issues. Then there are battles that each of us fight which are neither inherently physical or emotional. One such battle is against time. Much has been written about that, so I'm not going to waste my time repeating what has already been said, other than reiterating that the battle against time can never be truly won, only manipulated.

Another battle that each of us fights but not all of us take the time to consider is the war of relevance. We can lose relevance by over-activity, under-activity, and no activity at all. One day we can be of utmost relevance, and the very next expendable.

Case in point: I was bored the other night, so I read some old instant message conversations between myself and a female friend of mine. I don't know why I did it. Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Nonetheless, I started with some conversations from last October and November and read up to the big fight we had in January. At the time, I thought I had lost relevance due to the big fight, but in re-reading the words of my life, I realized that I had lost relevance about a month before that. Apparently, for whatever reason, I must have fulfilled my full purpose in her life, and I was rendered irrelevant, an entrenchment of which I seriously doubt I will ever escape, no matter what I say or do or how much I care about her.

Now that case was a bit extreme, but think about it. How many friends did you have three years ago that you don't speak to now? Practically everyone I went to high school with I lost contact with. Once graduation came, the war of relevance came, and I lost.

Even with my closest friends, things have evolved from hanging out almost every day in 2003 to being lucky if we talk once a week now. In this case, have we lost relevance with each other? I wouldn't say that. Actually, it would seem that our seeing each other is now irrelevant to our friendship because we've progressed to that point of trust and knowing each other.

So what happens when we try to fight the war of relevance? Often, the results are not pretty. We strive so hard to revive what once was that we sacrifice the present and the future. Not only that, but we compromise who we are and who we are becoming. Sometimes, it's worth that fight, but other times it is not.

I say all of that to inform you that you are fighting a battle (and most likely losing) every day. In this case, it's not always a bad thing to lose, nor is it necessarily a good thing to win. It is an inevitable component of life, and while it can be painful, it can also lead to progress.