Second Verse, Same as the First

Here I am, now 22 years old in 2009, feeling very much as I did a year ago. While I look much different than my April 2008 counterpart and some of the settings have not changed, I find myself in similar situations.

When I was a senior in high school my math teacher, the legendary Larry Maday, introduced us to the function machine. It was, in his words, “a crude machine, but a reliable one.” No matter what, if you insert an x into the machine, a y would emerge from the other end. While that was the last math class I have taken, the lesson of the function machine has continued to serve me in practical situations.

April 2009 has been very similar to 2008. I face uncertainty regarding which school I will teach history to students. I also have put myself in a relational pursuit that does not seem geared to my particular drive and abilities. I will be completely honest. Last year, I was not happy. Things did not go as I would have liked. Sure, some things turned out decently in the end, but the journey to get to that point was not enjoyable.

When faced with these situations, I initially forgot the lesson of the function machine. I put in the same x as I always have and was surprised to be consistently met with y after y as a result. Stubbornly I have used the same modus operandi and continue to be met with the same failure, hoping that just once I will break through. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that it is some sort of admirable drive or determination but rather arrogance… or worse, insanity.

So what do I do? Ultimately I have to attack things differently, or the lessons I learned in 2008 will have been in vain. I no longer will settle for failure, for being a punch line, or for being treated consistently worse than I deserve. It is time to regroup and time for reinvention.

A function machine similar to the Maday model.

Waiting for Spring

About five years ago while I was at my friend Rob’s house playing Risk he had his typical techno playlist in the background. A song came by an artist named Scooter entitled “Waiting for Spring”. The contents of the song and my positive feelings toward the song are irrelevant for this post, but that thought has stuck with me… the idea of waiting for spring.

Those of you who know me well probably know that my favorite seasons are in descending order. Spring is my favorite, followed by summer, fall, and winter. I absolutely loathe winter. The cold, the snow, the miserable feeling, and the inevitable sickness are all things I could do without. Conversely, I love spring. The return of green to the landscape, the warming of the temperature, and even spring rains all serve to create a positive feeling inside. The feeling that cold misery is being replaced by a fresh start is such a joyful feeling for me.

In looking back to my three favorite years (2000, 2003, and 2004), a common thread in each was an amazing spring. In 2000, I had my first real crush and an amazing 13th Birthday Party. In 2003, winter was marred by an ugly feud and a falling out with my youth group. With spring came a new relationship with a girl, reconciliation with an old friend, and a different youth group that was exactly what I needed. Spring 2003 set the stage for the greatest summer of my life. In 2004 I was plagued with sickness and unpopularity at high school due to my own stupidity. When spring arrived I finally started to take responsibility for my own actions, and the rest of 2004 was incredible.

That brings us to 2009. This year has not gone as smoothly as I would have preferred thus far, though I have no measurable complaints. I am just getting over my winter sickness, and I anxiously await the arrival of spring. There are so many great things on the horizon. Soon enough I will have the opportunity to see old friends once again. I am on the brink of achieving my main goal of full time employment (which I am so excited for) as well as possibly a new relationship. It is time for new beginnings and great successes!

That said, I am waiting for spring. Perhaps more than any other spring in my life, I anxiously await the new beginnings. Viva Spring!

Anti V-Day Post, Version 4.0

Those of you who know me well should not be surprised by this entry. In fact, it is one of the few traditions I still hold to. This is going to be different than in years past.

Let’s set a few things straight. I am not here to lament my current situation, nor am I going to cry over the spilt milk of my past pursuits. In fact, I am going to man up and take responsibility for each and every one of my previous failures. They were all undeniably my fault. Over the course of time I have been guilty of being shy, creepy, awkward, pushy, over-the-top, and overbearing. I do not deny any of these allegations. Unfortunately they were an unwanted side effect of growing up. A lot of them have finally gone away, and the wool is off my eyes so I can admit that I was guilty of a lot of foolishness. I am thankful for that at least.

Outside of the two-edged sword that is being Jakob Duehr, there have been other reasons for my failures. A large one is the notion that I have pursued people that were absolutely wrong for me. The past 18 months I have more or less run the gauntlet of people that I had no reason of involving myself with. I’m not saying that they are awful people or scum of the earth or anything like that. However, their current situations and views were utterly incompatible with mine, and I was a complete idiot for thinking otherwise. Again, I take all responsibility for it.

My current situation really is not all that awful. I can talk to potential interests without coming across as a total loser these days, and there’s a certain confidence that accompanies me these days. I no longer fear failure, as I have tasted its venom and have managed to survive. I even met someone pretty exciting a little while back. Though I am growing increasingly frustrated by the lack of contact I have had with this new someone as of late, I am definitely interested in seeing where it takes me, if anywhere.

All that I have written above brings me to the fourteenth day of February. I am not so arrogant to suggest that the holiday on that date be abolished. I don’t really mind all the jewelry commercials, and I’m sure the candy stores and florists don’t mind the temporary boost in sales. However, the day serves as a bitter pill for me. It is a 24 hour reminder that where I am in that facet of my life does not match where I would like to be. In some cases, it is a reminder that others have what I wanted.

Lastly, don’t even think of commenting this with “the right one is out there for you somewhere”. I know that, so don’t bother telling me that. It’s not an issue of if. I’m just not all that excited about waiting.

Something I saw in one of the aforementioned jewelry commercials

Resolve, Fortitude, Honor

I have an astonishingly good track record of keeping my New Year's Resolutions. In 2003, I learned how to do the Worm. In 2007, I completed six of the seven steps for self-optimization, and the only one I did not complete (bring weight to below 190 pounds) became my resolution for 2008. That goal was shattered by over 20 pounds by my 61 pound weight loss.

Based on that high degree of success, I have decided to go on the attack this year. Simply making one resolution or setting one goal for 2009 is just not appropriate. Therefore, I have decided to make resolutions in nine different areas of my life. I have taken these nine areas and made at least one goal in each area. Without further ado, these are my goals for 2009.

Physical Goals
-Possess the ability to complete 10,000 crunches in one sitting. At this point I am able to do 3,500 crunches, so I am getting there. It is a test of fortitude and resolve, but should I complete it, I probably will be well on my way to my next goal.
-Get an abdominal six-pack. I am so much closer to that than I was nine months ago, but there is still some work to be done.
-If I achieve success in both those areas with a sufficient amount of time remaining in the year, I will add the goal of 333 push-ups in one sitting.

Maturity/Adulthood Goals
Since I am now a college graduate soon to live on my own, I need to increase my self-sufficiency. As such, there are some things I need to learn how to do.

-Learn how to do my laundry. Yes, I have much to learn in this area.
-Become more proactive in keeping my space clean.
-Become a better cook. I can boil water and put stuff in the oven and microwave. I'd like to be able to have one go-to meal so that I can impress my friends, family, and future significant other with my culinary skills.

Professional Goal
-Attain a full-time teaching job. I have a degree; it is time to use it. It's as simple as that.

Social Goals
-Maintain the friendships I have. I have been blessed to have been surrounded by some absolutely amazing people. It is my job to ensure things stay that way.
-Make five new friends. You can never have too many friends. It is time to expand my friendly horizons by adding at least five friends. Only two of them can be met via the internet or other electronic means (I have met one so far).

Appearance Goals
-Continue to find myself in how I present myself. I've branched out and started to dress more "me" instead of how I thought I was supposed to dress.
-Add another tattoo or get the labret pierced (which has always been an interest of mine) while maintaining the professionalism required of a rookie teacher.

Dating Goals
-Have one fulfilling dating relationship. I would definitely enjoy having a young lady to spend my time with who has the ability to make me happy and complement my strengths and weaknesses. Distance is not an issue; the ability to connect is.
-Change the way I've gone about dating in the past. Scale down the intensity other than when necessary. Take each day at a time, and walk away before making a fool out of myself by overreacting. Make use of every opportunity to let her know how amazing she is without giving an illusion of objectification.

Personality Goals
-Minimize fear of failure. Leave no stone unturned in terms of life and its risks. You never know unless you try.
-Learn how to effectively use sarcasm. I tend to overdo it and hurt feelings. I am going to do my best to be more caring.

Philosophical Goals
-Complete development of "Relevant Christianity" worldview. I am in the process of composing the components for my belief system to better explain it when asked by others. Once I've completed it, I'll probably be better equipped to live it.
-Read three books of a philosophical or metaphysical theme. Actually, I plan on reading one classic philosophical work, one modern philosophical work, and one metaphysical work. Whether I end up agreeing with what I read is irrelevant. It is just a way to broaden my horizons.

Miscellaneous Goals and Achievements
-Go on a road trip. I've been dreaming up a road trip to go with one of my buddies on that will take us down the East Coast. It would be amazing if it happened. I just need to get out of Illinois, as I have not departed the state in nearly five years.
-Take a camping trip. This is unrelated to the road trip. I have the physical capacity to camp now and am no longer afraid of the outdoors. I wimped out on too many things during my teen years. It is time to live.
-If I have a [specific] girlfriend, take her on the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier in Chicago. If I don't have said g/f, this goal is irrelevant. However, if I do, this is a must.

I am putting a lot on my plate this year. I know it. I'm a big boy now. II can only succeed as high as I aim. I will keep you updated on the status of my goals throughout the year. For once in my life, I am not afraid to live. Here's a line from one of my favorite songs.

I will breathe in and know what it feels to feel alive. I'm alive.
-Day at the Fair, "Monday Morning"

2009: Failure is Not an Option

Per my usual, 2008 in review

Alright, so this year is coming to a merciful close. There wasn't a hugely compelling reason to hate the year, but for the most part I definitely didn't enjoy it. In fact, as far as this decade goes, the only year I liked less was 2005. It's not to say this year didn't have its moments, but the good things took a lot of work. Well, with all that said, here it goes. It won't be as detailed as in previous years because there's honestly a lot I've forgotten.

January: Started the year off with my guys. It was a good time. Went down to Champaign to watch the Royal Rumble. New semester. Big fight with a girl.

February: I was working at Target the day the Lane Bryant shooting happened across the lot. Scary stuff. Also started observations at Lincoln-Way Central.

March: Surprise early birthday party. Resolved the fight of January. Student teaching placement bounced from school to school

April: 21st Birthday. Being straightedge I did not partake in any drinking. Give me snide comments if you wish. End of my last normal semester as a student.

May: Began weight loss. Got my first tattoo. Went to Cubs game and odd concert at O'Malley's. Started the month 230 pounds. Ended at 217.

June: Work actually started getting fun again. Fell out of favor with a friend. (Turned out it wasn't my fault) Continued weight loss. Ended month at 204 pounds.

July: My cousin got back from Europe. Fun times at the grandparents' pool. Retired from Target. Ended month at 188 pounds.

August: Student teaching at Richards began. Completed my 50 pounds of weight loss (I would go on to lose another 11 to end at 169 pounds, the lightest I've been since January 2002).

September: Got deeper into student teaching. Started connecting with the kids. Went to a wedding.

October: Intense student teaching. Kicked my rear to the point I was going to bed at 9:30.

November: Ended student teaching. The kids were amazing, and I absolutely miss them.

December: Waiting for my paperwork for graduation and certification to process. Got to see a lot of old friends. Possibly on the brink of some new things.

So all in all the year was tough. The glories of getting in shape and student teaching did not come without hard work and sacrifice. 2009 I know will bring a lot of changes. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't apprehensive, but I am anxious to get out of this year.

The War of Relevance

Sometimes it seems life is nothing more than a constant fight. These battles take a variety of shapes and forms. Some of us have to fight physical battles, whether in an actual scuffle with another or due to a disease or infirmity. Some fight mental and emotional battles, whether in relationships, personal willpower, and other psychological issues. Then there are battles that each of us fight which are neither inherently physical or emotional. One such battle is against time. Much has been written about that, so I'm not going to waste my time repeating what has already been said, other than reiterating that the battle against time can never be truly won, only manipulated.

Another battle that each of us fights but not all of us take the time to consider is the war of relevance. We can lose relevance by over-activity, under-activity, and no activity at all. One day we can be of utmost relevance, and the very next expendable.

Case in point: I was bored the other night, so I read some old instant message conversations between myself and a female friend of mine. I don't know why I did it. Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Nonetheless, I started with some conversations from last October and November and read up to the big fight we had in January. At the time, I thought I had lost relevance due to the big fight, but in re-reading the words of my life, I realized that I had lost relevance about a month before that. Apparently, for whatever reason, I must have fulfilled my full purpose in her life, and I was rendered irrelevant, an entrenchment of which I seriously doubt I will ever escape, no matter what I say or do or how much I care about her.

Now that case was a bit extreme, but think about it. How many friends did you have three years ago that you don't speak to now? Practically everyone I went to high school with I lost contact with. Once graduation came, the war of relevance came, and I lost.

Even with my closest friends, things have evolved from hanging out almost every day in 2003 to being lucky if we talk once a week now. In this case, have we lost relevance with each other? I wouldn't say that. Actually, it would seem that our seeing each other is now irrelevant to our friendship because we've progressed to that point of trust and knowing each other.

So what happens when we try to fight the war of relevance? Often, the results are not pretty. We strive so hard to revive what once was that we sacrifice the present and the future. Not only that, but we compromise who we are and who we are becoming. Sometimes, it's worth that fight, but other times it is not.

I say all of that to inform you that you are fighting a battle (and most likely losing) every day. In this case, it's not always a bad thing to lose, nor is it necessarily a good thing to win. It is an inevitable component of life, and while it can be painful, it can also lead to progress.

The Obligatory Annual Anti-Valentine's Day Post

Heh, I didn't think my first blog of 2008 would be on this subject, but life tends to throw more than its share of surprises and bitter pills. It has been my tradition as the years have gone by to lament my romantic plights in the middle of February, and sadly, this year is no different.

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, I guess I'm insane. I have been experiencing the same mistakes over and over again for the last eight years, ever since I had my first real crush whom I met two days after Valentine's Day 2000.

Now, don't get me wrong... I've actually come a long way. I don't call people and hang up or have people bother other people via AIM anymore, but I am prone to blunder. My romantic mistakes generally come from one or more of these three areas:

1) I believe that the young lady is out of my league, and I begin to press, thinking that I have to do something big to gain her attention and affection. This never works, and I wind up falling flat on my face and looking like a creep.

2) I take a skewed view of reality and only choose to look at things in a favorable light for myself. I wind up telling everyone around these positive things, but they are so used to my quixotic views that the only person surprised at my eventual failure is myself.

3) I don't listen. For whatever reason, I tend to believe that I know exactly what ladies need, and I kill myself trying to provide this. More often than not I am providing the exact opposite of what she needs, and I continue to be so arrogant in my abilities that I obliviously sever all ties.

I thought things would be different this year, but it was not meant to be. In immediate retrospect, it looks like I just recently failed in all three of those areas. It's hard when you have to press so much for just a first chance.

So, I guess I'm at a crossroads. Do I utilize the familiar tried-and-failed formula yet again, or do I try something new? Something's got to give. Check back V-Day 2009 for the results.

2007 in Review

As has been my tradition since 2004, I'll give you a month by month rundown of 2007. While it wasn't spectacular, I've grown a lot as a person, and all in all it was a decent year. So here goes.

January: The year didn't begin on a high note. I played football up at PBC on New Year's Day (after doing nothing on New Year's Eve) and was ignored even worse than when I went there. Not cool. Seahawks got knocked out of the playoffs by the Bears who went on to lose the Super Bowl. Semester started, and it was probably my most boring.

February: Surprisingly decent. I talked to an old friend on Valentine's Day, but otherwise, not much of note happened.

March: Another decent month, though again, nothing much to note. Hung out with friends a few times.

April: Jakob Duehr XX was a great experience, though I was sick for it. Another great Easter, though the celebration was out of the ordinary in that we went out to eat with my mom's side of the family instead of celebrating it at my grandparents' house.

May: Spring semester ended. Started summer course. My sister Heidi graduated from high school, and I went to a few of her track meets.

June: Began my summer abstinence from the internet. Got a cat, Buttons, who is quite high quality and is a respected member of the Duehr clan. In fact, she is sitting a few feet away from me at this very moment. Also went to Six Flags as a chaperon with the youth group. Oh, I also taught Sunday School.

July: More internet abstinence. I was able to hang out with my cousin Andy many times to swim at our grandparents' house. Hung out with people from work as well as high school. Began to branch out socially.

August: Return to both school and the internet. At this time Stacie and I began to get really close, as there is a connection between us that is indescribable.

September: After twenty years, we finally moved from our house in Tinley to a much nicer place in Orland Park. It took some getting used to, but I like the place. Finally came to terms with reality concerning a five year pursuit. I went back to TPHS for Homecoming Game, and actually met Stacie there in person for the first time. Long story.

October: Went to a WWE Pay Per View (No Mercy) with three guys from work, and my hero and yours, Randy Orton (\__O_/) won the title not once, but TWICE!! I finally confronted my feelings regarding a certain person, and for the most part, I think I handled myself well. Began observation hours at TPHS under Mr. Pfeffer.

November: More observation hours. I actually got to teach the class once. It was my teaching debut, and while I thought it was a bit boring, the kids seemed to grasp the material. Another excellent Thanksgiving, though I had to work at Super Target at 5:45 a.m. the day after (and stayed up talking with Stacie until midnight that night).

December: End of the semester. Went better than I had expected. I'm firing on all cylinders gearing up for the home stretch. Christmas was also very nice. I spent more than I usually do on people, but it was worth it. We are welcoming another addition to our family, as my sister is now engaged.

That was the eventful and productive 2007 in a nutshell. I am EXTREMELY excited for 2008, because I think in a lot of areas I am at the brink of something incredible. Thanks to all the old friends and new for making this year incredible.

The Results of the Seven-Headed Plan for Optimizing Jakob Duehr

In January, I laid forth my sevenfold plan for personal optimization. Now that 2007 is nearly complete, I shall update my progress with those challenges.

Decide on a style and go with it.
I was successful in this, but unfortunately people tried to compartmentalize me because of it.

De-emphasize the value of solitude.
For the most part, I have done a pretty good job with this. This year I have done things with a broad number of people, made some new friends, and renewed acquaintances with old ones. I've actually tried to get things together a few times but it didn't work out.

Get below 190 pounds.
Yeah, I failed in this one. This is going to be my #1 goal for 2008.

Establish a connection with some sort of celebrity.
I actually talked on MySpace for a little while with the actress who portrays Casey on "Life with Derek" and was even in her top friends, but that was it.

Take more risks.
This year I've done things I never thought I'd do before, and my only regret is that I didn't live even more than I did.

Let some things die.
I was able to relinquish a five year flame, and 75% of the grudges I had previously held. Still have some work to do.

Establish some sort of balancing operator.
I have a female best friend now to go with my core group of guys. She is amazing. We bicker a bit too much for my liking, but she definitely has the potential to balance me out and save me from myself.

All in all, I feel I succeeded in my goals. There is still a journey to the top of the mountain, but I definitely feel I have made some steps in the right direction.

Jakob Duehr de la Mancha?

It has indeed been a while since I blogged. While there has been much on my mind, very little of it I was compelled to put into writing. However, I think it's time to blog it up.

For starters, everyone who reads this NEEDS to either read Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes or watch "The Man of La Mancha". Classics, I tell you. I say that because I have found some similarities between Don Quixote and myself.

Don Quixote is seen by many as delusional because he views things in a way that nobody else really does. On the surface, he appears to be somewhat crazy, but if you look at things from a different perception, he is correct in a way. Likewise, I don't view things from a normal perspective. I've always done things my own unorthodox way, and a lot of people probably thing I'm some sort of freak. However, if you look at things from my perspective, I'm not always that far off.

Don Quixote's friends liked him, but had to deceive him at times because they had sympathy for him and his delusions. I'm beginning to think that my friends often say things to appease me because they have sympathy for me and know that I think on a one-track mind, and sometimes I fall off track. Heh.

Don Quixote comes across this woman named Aldonza. She is not necessarily the most wholesome sort, and has not had the best past. He does not see her as this but rather as Dulcinea, a beautiful maiden whom Don Quixote absolutely adores. She is rather put off by his admiration for her and repeatedly fends off his love and affection. Quixote is not discouraged by this and continues with his unrequited love. Eventually, he becomes injured and wakes, realizing that all he believed to be real was a delusion.

At this point, Aldonza comes to him. She finally realizes that she is something special. She no longer has to be trapped inside the box of guilt and shame. She finally believes herself to be Dulcinea and can no longer bear to be anything else. This brings Don Quixote back to where he once was, and he dies, not having been able to live with the love of Dulcinea but able to see the transformation made within her.

I have found my own Aldonza. I always have and always will believe her to be Dulcinea, but it is of little matter whether I believe that unless she believes it herself. I have tired endlessly to get her to see that she is something special--and she is extremely special to me. I just don't know when she'll see it.

At this point in my life, I think I've been wounded. It is by no means a mortal wound, but it is a wound that has caused me to think about things and wonder if I really have been delusional all this time. I just hope my Dulcinea will come to remind me who I am while understanding who she is.