A Renaissance, so to speak

Well, I am back after my two month absence. This blog will be a bit of a recap of the past two months. Future blogs will cover more of the philosophical aspects of the past two months.

The last two months have been an interesting time for me. When I left, there were a few goals which I set out to do, and I think I did well for the most part. I have regained focus in life and have rediscovered the ability to dig deep. When it comes to working out, I gradually got myself to the point that not working out seems more foreign to me than doing so.

In terms of increasing my social outings, the results were a bit mixed. While I did socialize with a greater variety of people than I have done in recent memory, I still feel that I could've done more. I guess that's just something I'll have to shoot for next summer.

All in all, the internet vacation was a productive time. I feel that in some ways I have positively reinvented myself. Time will tell as to the longevity and effectiveness of this Renaissance.

Wrapping Up

Well, as this is the last day that I am a teen/kid (in a way, I guess), I thought I'd reflect a bit on my life thus far. Nothing too deep or profound, as I really don't feel like it. So, without further ado, here are twenty brief lessons I have learned thus far.

-Don't call people unless you intend to speak to them.
-Face to face contact always beats online contact.
-Be yourself. Don't create an image. It's better to be a dork than a poser.
-Let people know you care. Do the little things.
-Take risks. One chance may be all you get.
-When it's time to let things die, don't keep them on life support.
-Talking a big game is one thing; having one is another.
-Doing just enough risks coming up just short. Attack things full force.
-Stay focused. Nothing good comes out of distractions.
-If you're going to ask people for advice, and they all come to a general consensus, it is usually wise to heed the advice.
-Don't underestimate the younger, smaller, or weaker.
-Everyone deserves one chance, but nobody truly deserves a second chance.
-When going out with friends, always get separate checks.
-Keep your humor in line. You never know who will hear about it, or discover your inside jokes.
-Maintain balance.
-Sometimes progress means moving forward. Other times it requires reverting to where you once were.
-There comes a point where we all must lead. At that point we must decide what kind of leaders we will be.
-Being knocked down is not the same as being knocked out.
-Growing up is knowing when to maintain hope as well as when to let practicality set in.
And finally,
-Who we are around really plays a great role of making up who we are. So pick a good crew to be with. I think I did.

Well, thanks for making these last 20 years a blast. This Jakob Duehr XX celebration will last the entire year, and I hope you join me for the ride.

One year later, and it still hurts.

It has been said that time heals all. I disagree. I think that time simply fades the wounds aesthetically, but they never really go away. It was a year ago today that one of my closest friends, Katie Prosapio, moved from earth to heaven quickly and tragically. I paid tribute to her last week shortly after the accident, but I do not believe that one page does enough justice. I do not believe that what I am about to write will do enough justice either, but it is my humble homage to an amazing person.

As I thought about what I wanted to say, a lot of memories came to mind. I could talk about Katie's fierce competitive drive, to the point that she would actually play basketball against the boys at Stone. One time she actually wound up blocking my shot, but don't worry, the next shot she took I sent flying 15 feet across the court. That's how she wanted me to play. She didn't want any special treatment because she was a girl. But that's not what I'm going to remember the most.

I could also talk about how Katie was the kind of friend who knew when you needed a good kick in the pants and gave it to you -- literally. One night after church service I was whining about something to someone when I felt a strong boot directly to my posterior. I turned around, and there was Katie laughing. She knew exactly what I needed at that moment. She always knew when somebody needed that special something to get them going in the right direction. Again, that's not what I will take from Katie's life.

I could talk about how she played life by her set of rules. She threw herself a 16th Birthday Party almost three months after the fact. We all went to the bowling alley and had the time of our lives celebrating something that had long already happened. When she was opening her gifts, she even had the audacity to say "This doesn't feel like my birthday." with a straight face. That particular event could probably epitomize Katie, but it won't.

There are two things about Katie that I'll never forget. She loved God, and she loved people. Really, that's all that's important, and she realized that. She was willing to follow after God with everything she had, and even talked about how awesome it would be to die for the faith. I believe she was indeed a martyr; her life was sacrificed so that others might truly experience the fullness of God. She also loved people. Boy, did she love people. I don't know if I've met anyone since with such a capacity to care for people. Her ability to make people feel comfortable (and occasionally uncomfortable) was uncanny.

I believe that Katie's life can be summed up in this statement: She loved God, and she loved people. I miss her dearly, but I know that she's where she wanted to be all along.

The Price of Progress

I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again many times in the future, two of the most important aspects of life are balance and progress. I strongly believe in this, and it has become the core of my personal philosophies. However, I have come to realize that progress comes with a price.

As I have said before, the advent and spread of the internet has opened countless doors, both positive and negative, so I will not waste my time and yours by talking about it. I will talk, however, about one technological advance of the past century or so and how it serves as a vital portion of my life while being the ultimate cause of others' demise.

As most of you know, I am a commuter student at Olivet. That way, I can live my life as a student as well as keep my same life at home, church, and work. That would not be possible if I didn't have my car. My trusty silver 2005 Chevy Cobalt is my lifeline between Bourbonnais and Tinley Park. Without it, I couldn't possibly do what I do. I would be pretty helpless without my car.

Conversely, vehicles have left an indelible mark on the community of the Stone Church. It was just under a year ago that Katie Prosapio, one of my closest friends, was taken from the world when her vehicle hit another. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that as well as how much I miss her. I could go on and on about the importance she had on myself and on our close circle of friends, but that will be more appropriate at another time.

Sadly, the angel of death has used the automobile as its vehicle of destruction again, taking from us another member of the Stone community. While I am not going to pretend that I knew her well or had established a meaningful relationship, I will say that she was a valuable component of the church, and that many are going to feel the sting of this loss for some time.

So, that brings me to the title of the blog. Progress comes at a price. Were it not for the creation of the automobile, we may not be devoid of these two young women. I do believe, however, that God has impeccable timing and that it is not our place to question his decision-making. I am not advocating going Amish and forsaking all technology. But it gets you to thinking about progress. Progress, while important and highly valuable, is not without a cost. As we live our lives, we must decide whether the cost of things outweighs the value. This is not only applicable for tangible technological items, but for the intrinsic processes that occur for mental and emotional progress. Remember, the cost of progress might lead to some uncomfortable times, but forsaking progress might lead to a live unlived.

I'm better than this

As I begin the last three weeks before Jakob Duehr XX (which will be a yearlong celebration, mind you), I have thought about some things. Most of all I have thought about progress. Probably the two most common things I write about are balance and progress. Upon thinking about it, I realized that my progression has only been a partial one.

The past seven years I have progressed in more than a few ways. Physically, I have gone from 6'0 tall, 130 pounds to somewhere between 6'4 and 6'5 and 215 pounds. I traded in football jerseys for polos and glasses for contacts. I no longer run on my toes or have my voice crack.

As far as confidence goes, I finally got some. Probably a bit too much. I never thought I was good enough to be accepted by certain people or talk to certain girls. This lack of confidence caused some erratic behavior. I called a girl and hung up 30 times in a day. Yeah, creepy. I used to rely solely on online communication to "work my game". Thankfully, those days are past. While I am not experiencing any sustained success, minor victories have provided me with something to build on.

I began my teenage years in 7th grade at the Stone Church Christian Academy. I progressed through there while keeping my core group of friends and moved on to Tinley Park High School. While that experience was certainly tumultuous, I learned some valuable lessons by falling on my face, and all in all, I'd have to say my time there was a success. Now I am at Olivet Nazarene University, and I really don't have much longer there, either. I have gone from awkward adolescent to a stone's throw away from moving on to my career. I guess you'd call that progress.

For all this progress I've made, there has been one major impediment. It all stems from my desire to hold on to the past. I recently purchased some DVDs that were relics of my childhood. I have constantly tried to keep a connection with girls I was interested in during my younger days because I have held out the hope that they'd finally give me a chance. I live in the current with one eye looking in the rear-view mirror. But today I had an epiphany. It is an epiphany that I believe will produce progress for anyone who experiences it.

This epiphany was a short little phrase: "I'm better than this." For so long, I felt that I needed to wait for things just in case. I don't need that. I am nobody's backup plan or insurance policy. I am better than that. I don't need to ponder what once was or what could have been continually. It is behind and below me. Life is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. I am tired of holding myself down for that fleeting hope or that relic of what once was. I'm better than that, and I have finally come to that realization.

When I say "I'm better than this", I'm not asserting that I am some sort of supernatural being or ultimate human. We are all better than this. The things that hold us down we can grab by the neck and choke the life of. We are so much better. There is no way we can make progress if we never come to the realization that the things that tie us down do not have to and are not permanent. I'm better than that, and so are you.

Dig Deep

For the first time in a while, I can say that I am genuinely pleased with things for the most part. After reviewing my last blog, I realized that it's alright to have questions. But you are probably wondering what's up with this sudden change in attitude by me.

To start off, I had my best Valentine's Day in years. No, I'm not "in a relationship", but it was a good day. I cleaned the house, got a lot of work done, cleared up an old feud, and chatted with an old flame without it being awkward or me making a fool out of myself. All in all, it was an excellent day.

I started running again to get to work on part of the plan for optimizing myself as stated in a previous blog. It's amazing how much better I feel about myself when I'm done. Now I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't been easy, but I've surprised myself what I can do when I dig deep. It makes me sort of regret risks I didn't take years ago because I didn't have enough confidence in my abilities, but what are ya gonna do?

American Idol is back now. While I know many of you have strong opinions on it, I happen to like the show because I like seeing people taking risks and living out their dreams. I was a bit disappointed because my favorite girl got KOed tonight, but it is what it is. One opportunity opens countless others.

Spring and subsequently baseball season are just around the corner. Spring is by far my favorite season, as I love the fresh start that comes with it. A fresh start for my Cubs this season is gonna be great...I can just feel it.

So, while I felt a bit despaired the last time I blogged, I feel greatly encouraged for a few reasons. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that by digging deep, I'll get there that much more quickly.

Something new for you to chew on

Before I start, two brief things to discuss. First, my blog got looked at a billion times today and I didn't even post anything. Strange. Also, I have begun work on an allegorical look at my life. Maybe I'll post some of it here at some point. But that's not what this is about. At one point I promised you loyal readers some philosophical musings, and while this still isn't quite what I had in mind, this is just a taste of what's on my mind.

Lately I have found myself encountering more questions in my search for answers. In looking for solutions to issues hitting our world globally and personally, the only answers I have reached are the realizations that I can't answer the question until I have answered another question.

As of late I have found myself questioning the goodness of mankind. Since we are inherently sinful, is it too much of a stretch for me not to expect any good out of mankind unless there is some sort of reward, tangible or implied, to do good? I have even begun to examine my actions to determine whether I am doing something based on an expected reward. To this date, I am still trying to figure out the answer. As both a Christian and aspiring philosopher, I wonder if those who have made the commitment to living a Christ-centered lifestyle have been cleansed to an extent of these impure motives and act strictly from pure motives. At this point, I am leaning towards one of two conclusions. One is that the Christian lifestyle acts as a greater conscience, but does not eliminate the possibility to act impurely. Or, it could be that those of us who are Christians are not living the life as well as we should be.

I have often wondered why I hold on to the past as much as I do. I realized that we tend to stay with things until something better comes around. Quite honestly, 2005 and 2006 were not as good as 2004; therefore to some degrees I guess I am still living in 2004. I realize that in dwelling in the past I run the risk of missing out on the present, but for some time, there hasn't been anything in the present to miss out on. Maybe soon I'll find a compelling reason not to dwell so much on the past.

Lately, I've been a really strange mood. I haven't been extremely happy or sad, but somewhere in between. I have been consumed with the idea of there being something better out there soon, whether for me or for somebody else. I have listened to five or six different versions of "Bridge over Troubled Waters". Each time I listen to it, I get this sort of knot in my stomach because I feel both parts of the song. I feel this desire to be someone's bridge, yet I long for someone to be there for me to cross over the bridge from 2004 over the troubled waters of 2005 and 2006 to where I want to be.

Maybe I've been feeling strange because for the first time in my life, none of my closest friends are around. The last of us left in January to serve our country, so all I have left is my family. While I love my family to pieces, they have their own lives to live and I can't trouble them to be everything I need, because quite honestly I don't know what I need. I think I valued solitude too much in my life, because now the more I have it, the less I want of it. I just shudder to think of what life would be without my family.

I don't want any of this to come across as me being depressed and seeking something out of you, because I don't, and even if I did want something, at this point I don't know what it is. I'm just disillusioned with a lot of things, and behind the "Game Show Host" smile lies the greatest actor in the world. For I have fooled you all. I have led you to believe, behind cheesy grins and pseudophilosophical ramblings, most of which are even over my own head, that I have it all together. As I stated earlier, my quest for solutions have only left me with more questions, and I don't quite know what to make of myself.

The Seven-Headed Plan for Optimizing Myself

Hello, hello. It is time for my first blog of 2007, and I am extremely excited about it. While is it not a blog detailing my philosophies as promised, it still figures to be pretty neat. It's a good way to kick off the year.

While I do not necessarily believe in making New Year's Resolutions, I did decide to look at myself and try to determine how I could better myself this year. While I am far from perfect, I am advanced philosophically and mentally enough to recognize my current shortcomings and develop a plan of action. So, in honor of the year 2007, I have developed a seven-headed plan for optimizing myself.

Decide on a style and go with it.
While I have established a style of dress and manner, I have been known to fluctuate between various styles of facial hair. For this year, I have decided to stick with one style of facial hair in accordance with keeping one style everywhere else. How can an image be established under constant change?

De-emphasize the value of solitude.
While I have learned a great deal about myself, it's time to put my self-taught lessons into use. There's no better time but the present to get out there and show who I am.

Get below 190 pounds.
To be a leader, you must be able to show the way. A leader should have a recognizable physical presence and should be able to defend any and all followers from harm. At this point, I am far beyond where I should be and need to do something about it. And face it, while the Lord does look at the heart, we do tend to look at the outside. Therefore, I'm going to get back into 2004 shape.

Establish a connection with some sort of celebrity.
While this is the least important of the seven heads, it is the most important in globalizing. The networking possibilities should I establish a bond with someone with a broader audience are boundless.

Take more risks.
The only thing holding me back in my younger days was the lack of belief that I could do whatever I put my mind to. These days, the confidence is present. It's time to see results.

Let some things die.
I love the past. I really do. I think on some years of my life with such great joy and remembrance. However, I've held some grudges for a good long time. While it's not practical to forget, forgiveness is necessary. And who knows? Maybe some of my enemies of the past will become powerful allies of the present and future.

Establish some sort of balancing operator.
Every good leader has been put in check at some time. Should this be in the form of mentors, peers, or some sort of sidekick (be it a right hand man or love interest), there are times I need to be saved from myself. While I have had good intentions, I have been prone to self-destruct. By establishing a defense system, a lot of the problems that would have demoralized me in the past can be alleviated.

So there. That's how you make a better Jakob Duehr. Check back in 12 months to see how it all turned out.

2006 in Review: The Bitter Pill that Was

Hey there. It's the end of the year, and in keeping in tradition, I thought I'd give you the rundown of my 2006. While I am grateful to be alive and realize that things could have been much worse, let's just say I'm glad to have gotten it over and done. So here it was.

January: Actually a good month. I got moved to the grocery department at work and started the spring semester. Sadly, the month ended in disappointment, as my Seahawks were robbed of a Super Bowl title.

February: I didn't do anything of much note, other than do a mass virtual flower send-out. While the nice comments I got back in return were nice, don't expect anything like that from me ever again.

March: The month I'd like to forget. While it started out pretty nice with going to my sister's track meets and such, it ended tragically with the loss of my lifelong friend Katie in a car accident. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

April: I turned 19. Good times. People really made my birthday special. Sadly, the loss of Katie ultimately prohibited me from enjoying it.

May: School ended, well at least spring semester did. I participated in an online course and was amazed at the amount of motivation it takes to complete one.

June: This month was spent doing out of the ordinary things, like counselor training in Hanover Park and jury duty in Bridgeview. It was an interesting month and was sort of fun. At this point I thought something new was on the horizon from a relational standpoint, but it wasn't meant to be. Better that way.

July: As I blogged before, the whole camp situation was extremely awkward and unsettled even as I got there. I did wind up being a counselor, and while it wasn't quite the way I had expected, the kids in my room were loads of fun. I learned more from a couple of them than I'm sure they learned from me.

August: The end of summer. I hate having to say goodbye. This time it was even worse as my cousin left for college. At least I started getting involved in Jr. High Church.

September: Ugh month #2. A former teacher of mine passed away, and I got into a car accident. Oh, and going back to TPHS for the Homecoming game was a far from enjoyable experience.

October: I wound up getting pinkeye, but on the bright side, I got a set schedule at work that was very favorable.

November: I went on a field trip to U of I, which was moderately cool. Thanksgiving was awesome as always...I always have good Thanksgivings and Easters.

December: I ended the semester on a high note, but Christmas was horrible. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. Christmas morning ready to barf my brains out--and I did. Christmas for me got delayed until the 26th, and I missed getting to partake in the normal Christmas traditions.

So, this year for the first time since 2002, I stayed home for New Year's. It seemed a fitting end to a melancholy year. I honestly am looking forward to 2007, because it couldn't be any worse than the last two years. :-) Happy New Year!

This Fire Still Burns

This is my second blog of the night, and it's probably more upbeat than the other blog.

To those who have known me as of late, I have probably seemed extremely calm and without any sense of urgency. A competitive edge has been absent as well. Some would probably go so far to say that I need to be checked for a pulse. So the question could be posed: Has Jakob Duehr lost his fire? The answer to that, after a careful amount of introspection, is no. In explaining that answer, I will give you a little bit of insight into some of my current philosophies.

Unlike the Jakob Duehr of a few years back, I see no need to publicize every aspect of my life. I realize that through blogging I let the entire world of the internet get a little glimpse into my life. Quite honestly, these blogs don't scratch the surface of the sum total of my life and desires. Therefore, though my feelings are not verbalized, they are still existent.

As far as urgency goes, I will admit that I have lost that. I believe that things will happen when they are supposed to happen. Pushing the issue sometimes leads to disastrous results. All my problems my last two years of high school were the results of pushing issues. If you have ever heard me say or seen me write "In due time, I'll take what's mine", that's my way of saying I'll let things happen when they are supposed to.

Concerning the issue of a competitive edge, I would not go so far as to say my competitive edge is gone, but rather that I have rechanneled it. I don't care as much about beating someone else as much as doing better than what I have done in the past. I've had enough success in my life. From 1993-2001, pretty much everything I laid my hands on was a success. I'm not saying that to exalt myself; I'm just saying that I was blessed, and it's time for others to get their glory. I have had enough to last me for a good long time. As long as I'm making progress, it's a victory for me.

Personally, I have even joked that I need to be checked for a pulse. Unfortunately, part of the reason for that is because I don't lead as active of a life as I probably should. I'm around 20 lb. above my ideal weight, and I don't exercise near enough. I have experienced enough "bitter pills" to appear outwardly unfazed by what has gone on around me. While I am extremely calm these days, I am not as dead to the world as others probably view me.

I am still affected by things; though I have grown in myself enough not to be as bothered as I used to be. I have enjoyed this period of being laid back, and I don't think I will stray too far from it. However, to those who are wondering, this fire still burns, and it's gonna cause something exciting.