Saturday, February 8, 2014

On Top of the World



The Seahawks are Super Bowl Champions. Let me repeat that. The Seahawks are Super Bowl Champions. To say that I am ecstatic would be an understatement. It’s almost a week later and I still don’t fully believe it. But to fully comprehend the magnitude of this victory in my life, we need to go back and learn some of my story.

My journey began in 1998. People often ask me, “How did a kid from Chicago wind up a Seahawks fan?” It’s simple, really. I grew up during the Wannstedt years in Chicago. I didn’t want the Bears as my team. So I set out in search of a new team. I laid out a few criteria for picking this team. First, it had to be a team that nobody around me liked. I wanted to stand out and forge my own identity (little did I know how much that identity would come to define me). Next, I wanted a team without a history of success so that no one could accuse me of being a bandwagoner. Teams like the Cowboys, 49ers, Packers, and Steelers were quickly eliminated. Finally, I wanted a team with a unique logo. This search led me to two finalists: the Cincinnati Bengals and the Seattle Seahawks. My favorite player at the time, Ricky Watters, had just signed with the Seahawks, so that settled it. They were my team.

It’s never easy being a fan of a team that is far from where you live, but it was even more difficult in the late 1990s. Finding team gear was challenging, as was finding news about the team. I did not have internet access at home, so I could not keep up with the team via websites or blogs. The team treaded water those first few years of my fandom, and my interest in the team and the NFL as a whole neither grew nor faded during this time.

The Seahawks finally took flight around the same time I found my wings as a person. I started playing fantasy football, and I liked being able to keep up with all the stats. I thought it was great that the rise of the Seahawks mirrored my rise as a person. The team made the playoffs in 2003 and 2004, and even though those trips did not go as well as I would have liked, I was hopeful for what was to come.

The team reached their first Super Bowl after the 2005 season. Even though I missed most of the games that season because I worked Sundays at Super Target, this appearance could not have come at a better time. One of the greatest things about sports is that it provides a diversion (albeit temporarily) from everything else in your life. At that time, I had a lot that I did not want to think about.

Super Bowl XL would come to define the next few years of my life for a couple reasons. It was the last time I ever heard from my friend Katie before she passed away in a car accident that March. She knew I was a huge fan, and she called at halftime to let me know she was thinking of me and rooting for my team. My greatest regret in life is that I did not talk longer on the phone that day. I was frustrated by uneven play and even more uneven officiating. The Seahawks lost 21-10, and that loss consumed me every day for years.

That loss was the first of many losses in my life for a number of years. I am not so foolish to believe that their loss spurred mine, but their loss was a harbinger of things to come. I became well acquainted with coming ever so close to realizing my hopes and dreams, only to fall just short. Over the course of the next few years, much of my life would fall apart. I lost the closeness of my friends. I lost in love more times than I would care to count. I was defeated in life so many times that I began to lose sight of all my hopes and dreams.

After that Super Bowl loss, the Seahawks gradually fell apart as a team as well. They remained competitive the next two seasons before the wheels ultimately came off. I remember watching one of their games in 2009 (the Mora year) and thinking about how far away they were from even being competitive. Little did I know what was to come.

The Seahawks got a new coach and general manager and began to rebuild in 2010 around the same time that I began to rebuild my own life. Things did not get better right away (for them or for me), but there was the belief that things were going to eventually come together.

I made it to Seattle in June 2012 and got to tour CenturyLink Field. It was an amazing experience to walk on the field and into the locker room and traverse through the same places that many of my childhood heroes did. Little did I know what was to come that season.

All of a sudden, the Seahawks got better, just like all of a sudden I finally got a full time teaching job. That year, my dad and I made it to the Seahawks/Bears game in Chicago. It was unbelievably awesome to watch them in person, and the fact they won in overtime made things even better. They entered the playoffs hotter than any team in the league, and I started to think that maybe, just maybe this was the year.

It wasn’t meant to be. They got too far behind in Atlanta, and even though they put forth a valiant effort, they fell just short. I was devastated. I got my hopes and expectations up and felt crushed once more. But I woke up the next morning without the lingering feeling of “What if?” that usually accompanied their playoff losses. Instead, I felt a great excitement for the following season.

2013 was the most challenging year of my life. I endured loss upon loss and disappointment upon disappointment. Quite honestly, the only thing that kept me going in fall was the excitement of Sunday afternoons. And the Seahawks did not disappoint. They entered the season with unbelievable expectations, and they did not crumble under that pressure.

A funny thing happened between the 2012 and 2013 seasons. My dad and sister converted to the 12th Man. The three of us made it to the game in Indianapolis against the Colts. Unfortunately for us, they lost. I remember feeling disappointed, but about halfway through the ride home I felt at ease. I realized that I’d rather them lose the game I was at than the Super Bowl in February (should they make it that far).

Despite a couple hiccups along the way, the team performed admirably and made it to the playoffs. I did all sorts of crazy pregame rituals, not because I believed they would help the team but because they’d put my mind at ease. I was immeasurably hopeful for them to go all the way, but in my heart I believed it wouldn’t happen. It just seemed too good to be true.

It’s interesting how far away that hopes, dreams, and goals seem until they are finally reached. Even though the Seahawks were the best team in the NFL all season, the idea that they would win the Super Bowl felt unrealistic. But a funny thing happened. They won a playoff game. Then they won another, this time against those abominable 49ers. They were back in the Super Bowl!

I was a wreck for those two weeks leading up to the game. It would have crushed me to come so far only to fail again. I’m not exactly good at letting go of my failures. It took me 7+ years to stop loathing the Steelers, and that only happened because I met a gorgeous Yinzer that I subsequently wound up developing romantic feelings for. I figured that if they lost, I’d never be able to watch a commercial with Peyton Manning ever again.

Most “experts” didn’t think the Seahawks could pull this off. Most of my friends didn’t think they had a chance. Yet all of those people were wrong. The team jumped out to an early lead and never looked back. By the time it was all said and done, it was the greatest Super Bowl blowout in decades. 43-8. Forty three to eight.

As the clock ran out and the team began to celebrate, I cried like a baby. I cried thinking about Katie. I cried thinking about the last eight years and everything I lost during that point. I cried thinking about how I thought this day would never come. And I cried because I finally realized that things CAN turn around.

In my life, I’ve only ever really wanted three things to happen. I want to have a family and spend the rest of my days with the one I love. I want to work a job that I love so much that it never feels like work. And I wanted to see the Seahawks win a Super Bowl. It took almost 27 years of my life, but one of those things finally happened.

This group of guys isn’t exactly the group of players that the “experts” would expect to come together and win a Super Bowl. They’ve been overlooked, underappreciated, and counted out before they even had a chance to prove themselves. And yet, they refused to accept their supposed fate. They’ve fought for everything, and they’ve now succeeded in front of 111 million people.

After 16 years of being a fan, the Seahawks are on top of their world. After nearly 27 years, I am ready to be on top of mine.

Friday, February 7, 2014

27 Albums That Shaped the First 27 Years of My Life, #24: The Lumineers - The Lumineers


As I quickly approach my 27th birthday (an age, coincidentally, that many musicians met their own mortality), I have been thinking about the role that music has played in my life. I have not played an instrument for nearly sixteen years and have never been in a band, but I would still consider myself an audiophile. The 26000 songs on my hard drive would agree with me as well.

Because of all those things, I thought it would be as good a time as any to compile my list of the 27 albums that most shaped these first 27 years of my life. Starting Friday January 31, I will be posting one album from the list every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until we reach #1 just before my birthday.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I am not saying that these are the 27 greatest albums of all time. I am not so arrogant to believe that my personal opinion is the definitive voice on music. I like what I like. Hopefully you will be able to unearth some gems from my list. If not, that is alright. These songs and albums are important to me regardless of anyone’s opinions of them.


#24: The Lumineers – The Lumineers
Release Date: April 3, 2012
When I first heard the album: December 2012

Why I loved it then: 2012 was an odd period of my life, at least as it pertained to music. For the most part, I eschewed my traditional brand of pop punk for something more mature and refined. I’m not sure if this happened because of what was going on in my life or because 2012’s pop punk catalog was limited, but I found myself listening to bands like Mumford & Sons, fun., and The Lumineers (and really enjoying it). This album particularly hit with me because it was emotional without being pretentious. They just put feelings out there in hopes that anyone who listened could relate. I certainly could. By late 2012, I was feeling productive but world-weary as well. I heard Stubborn Love, and it resonated with me more than any song did that year. I listened to the rest of the album and fell in love.

Why I still love it now: Despite what my mom would have you think, “Ho Hey” is not the greatest song ever made. That said, The Lumineers do what they do very well. Their brand of folk rock is a throwback, and a good one at that. There are a few tracks that stand out above the rest of the album, and they’re a great listen when I’m in more of a pensive mood.

Lingering Lyric: “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all/The opposite of love’s indifference”
Top Tracks: Stubborn Love, Flapper Girl, Morning Song

Previous Entries
27. Avalon - In a Different Light
26. The Dangerous Summer - Golden Record
25. Just Surrender - If These Streets Could Talk

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

27 Albums That Shaped the First 27 Years of My Life, #25: Just Surrender - If These Streets Could Talk


As I quickly approach my 27th birthday (an age, coincidentally, that many musicians met their own mortality), I have been thinking about the role that music has played in my life. I have not played an instrument for nearly sixteen years and have never been in a band, but I would still consider myself an audiophile. The 26000 songs on my hard drive would agree with me as well.

Because of all those things, I thought it would be as good a time as any to compile my list of the 27 albums that most shaped these first 27 years of my life. Starting Friday January 31, I will be posting one album from the list every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until we reach #1 just before my birthday.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I am not saying that these are the 27 greatest albums of all time. I am not so arrogant to believe that my personal opinion is the definitive voice on music. I like what I like. Hopefully you will be able to unearth some gems from my list. If not, that is alright. These songs and albums are important to me regardless of anyone’s opinions of them.


#25: Just Surrender – If These Streets Could Talk
Release Date: July 12, 2005
When I first heard the album: Spring/Summer 2005

Why I loved it then: If you know anything about my musical tastes, you know that pop punk music has my heart because I have the ears of a 16 year old girl. I am not ashamed of this. I also like my music with a little bit of a bite, as you’ll see with the two Rise Against albums still to come on this list. If a pop punk band has some bite, it’s the best of both worlds! I first heard right around the time things started to go downhill in my life (post-Florida trip, during the first unsuccessful summer spent trying to get a job). The stellar musicianship and the relatable lyrics about things falling apart connected with me.

Why I still love it now: Pain is inevitable, and life is cyclical. I don’t believe I will ever be immune from tough times. This album gets that, and it also realizes that you don’t have to take this pain sitting down. As stated earlier, the album has a bite to it, but it does so with a good mix of fast and slow songs and lyrics that you can’t help but sing along.

Lingering Lyric: “Tell me everything will be alright/Close your eyes and dream of me tonight/Tell me that you won't just fade away/Cross my heart and hope to die tonight I'll dream my pain away”
Top Tracks: Tell Me Everything, In Your Silence, She Broke My Heart So I Broke His Jaw

Previous Entries
27. Avalon - In a Different Light
26. The Dangerous Summer - Golden Record

Monday, February 3, 2014

27 Albums That Shaped the First 27 Years of my Life, #26: The Dangerous Summer - Golden Record


As I quickly approach my 27th birthday (an age, coincidentally, that many musicians met their own mortality), I have been thinking about the role that music has played in my life. I have not played an instrument for nearly sixteen years and have never been in a band, but I would still consider myself an audiophile. The 26000 songs on my hard drive would agree with me as well.

Because of all those things, I thought it would be as good a time as any to compile my list of the 27 albums that most shaped these first 27 years of my life. Starting Friday January 31, I will be posting one album from the list every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until we reach #1 just before my birthday.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I am not saying that these are the 27 greatest albums of all time. I am not so arrogant to believe that my personal opinion is the definitive voice on music. I like what I like. Hopefully you will be able to unearth some gems from my list. If not, that is alright. These songs and albums are important to me regardless of anyone’s opinions of them.


#26: The Dangerous Summer – Golden Record
Release Date: August 6, 2013
When I first heard the album: August 2013

Why I loved it then: I was very reluctant to put any albums that were fairly new on this list to try to avoid recency bias. However, great albums transcend all that, and this album is truly great. The Dangerous Summer was always a band that I followed somewhat, but after they added Matt Kennedy (ex-The Graduate) to their lineup, they became a must-listen. Matt’s abilities are truly transcendent, and he possesses the ability to make turn any record he touches into gold (pun intended). I was able to relate a lot of that chapter of my relationship with Jannelle to Golden Record, and that is something I will always take from the album.

Why I still love it now: A.J. Perdomo might have THE most emotional vocal delivery in the world, and who knows if he can keep that up forever. Enjoy it as long as you can, because it is a thing of beauty. The emotion in this album is phenomenal, and as long as I have any romantic attachment to someone who lives far away, “Miles Apart” will resonate with me.

Lingering Lyric: “Know that I never had doubt/This is where days feel more complete/Living here/Living here with you”
Top Tracks: Catholic Girls, Sins, Miles Apart

Previous Entries
27. Avalon - In a Different Light


Friday, January 31, 2014

27 Albums That Shaped the First 27 Years of my Life, #27: Avalon - In a Different Light


As I quickly approach my 27th birthday (an age, coincidentally, that many musicians met their own mortality), I have been thinking about the role that music has played in my life. I have not played an instrument for nearly sixteen years and have never been in a band, but I would still consider myself an audiophile. The 26000 songs on my hard drive would agree with me as well.

Because of all those things, I thought it would be as good a time as any to compile my list of the 27 albums that most shaped these first 27 years of my life. Starting Friday January 31, I will be posting one album from the list every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until we reach #1 just before my birthday.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I am not saying that these are the 27 greatest albums of all time. I am not so arrogant to believe that my personal opinion is the definitive voice on music. I like what I like. Hopefully you will be able to unearth some gems from my list. If not, that is alright. These songs and albums are important to me regardless of anyone’s opinions of them.


#27: Avalon – In a Different Light
Release Date: March 23, 1999
When I first heard the album: Summer 1999

Why I loved it then: Let’s be honest. You probably didn’t expect a late-1990s Contemporary Christian release to be the first album on this list. But growing up, this is the type of music we listened to in my house. The radio was always set to the Christian station, and it was the only genre I listened to until high school. While admittedly there was a lot of goofy and cheesy music on that station, there were some gems. I loved Avalon as a kid because I thought their vocals always meshed seamlessly. I owned the audio cassette of this album, and I listened to it almost every morning of seventh grade.

Why I still love it now: Nostalgia, mostly. This is far from the type of music that generally permeates my speakers. I wouldn’t even go so far as to say that I still “love” the album. But if I need to listen to something that is unapologetically positive, I could do much worse than this. It still brings me back to junior high, my first season of playing

Lingering Lyric: “You saved me once/ I know you’ll save me still”
Top Tracks: Take You at Your Word, Always Have, Always Will, Let Your Love

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

27 Albums That Shaped the First 27 Years of My Life: Introduction and Honorable Mentions

As I quickly approach my 27th birthday (an age, coincidentally, that many musicians met their own mortality), I have been thinking about the role that music has played in my life. I have not played an instrument for nearly sixteen years and have never been in a band, but I would still consider myself an audiophile. The 26000 songs on my hard drive would agree with me as well.

In life, whether we are going through good times or a particularly rough patch, it is extremely comforting to know that someone else out there gets it. Music has the ability to convey that message. Some of my favorite albums are the ones that I heard during a rough patch in my life. In many ways, music helped me through those hard times. (You’ll definitely see that when I get to #1 on my list.)

Music is special to me because it is so closely tied to my memories. I can hear the opening to Relient K’s “Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been”, and I am instantly swept away to my bedroom on Christmas 2004 when I heard the song for the first time. When I hear Boys Like Girls’ “On Top of the World”, I think of Dan and I in our rental car in Florida, driving with the windows down and truly feeling alive. I can still feel the same pain when I hear Bright Eyes’ “Landlocked Blues” that I felt in summer 2010 when the song represented my “Summer of Sorrow”. It is so nice to have that channel to my past so that only a few notes can instantly transport me to another time and place.

Because of all those things, I thought it would be as good a time as any to compile my list of the 27 albums that most shaped these first 27 years of my life. Starting Friday January 31, I will be posting one album from the list every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until we reach #1 just before my birthday.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I am not saying that these are the 27 greatest albums of all time. I am not so arrogant to believe that my personal opinion is the definitive voice on music. I like what I like. Hopefully you will be able to unearth some gems from my list. If not, that is alright. These songs and albums are important to me regardless of anyone’s opinions of them.

As you will eventually see, each post will follow the same format. You will see the album title, the release date, and the general time period during which I heard the album for the first time. I’ll explain why I loved it then and why it still matters to me now. I’ll give you some lyrics that have stayed with me, and I’ll tell you my personal favorite tracks on the album. I am very excited to share this particular passion with everyone.

There are so many albums that I absolutely love (or loved at a particular point in my life), but for the purposes of this list I stopped at 27 albums. Here are a few albums that just missed the cut. Check in Friday for #27!

27 Albums That Have Shaped the First 27 Years of My Life: Honorable Mentions
Go: Audio – Made Up Stories
Mayday Parade – Anywhere But Here
Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory
Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More
Boys Like Girls – Boys Like Girls

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

2014: I've Got This

I know, it’s a bit late for my first post of 2014, but work and school have taken precedence. I also wanted to have clarity of mind before I posted anything.

It’s pretty well known by this point that 2013 was a particularly challenging year for me. I would go so far as to say that it has been the worst year of my life to date. That said, this is a new year, and with a new year comes new opportunities and new challenges. Though last year was difficult, I am pleased with the progress I made as a person. There’s a lot that I want to accomplish in 2014. I thought I would share some of these (in no particular order of importance).

Finish grad school with a grade point average of at least 3.8
My goal during as an undergraduate was to graduate summa cum laude. To do so at Olivet Nazarene University, one must complete their studies with a cumulative grade point average of 3.8 or better. I finished with a grade point average of 3.792. That ate at me for quite some time. I want to do better in my graduate program. Through a third of the program, I have a 4.0 grade point average. I know what it is going to take to meet or exceed my goal, and I will do everything in my power to make it happen.

Obtain employment in a public non-alternative school district
I have been blessed to have a job. It is not easy out there for teachers. However, my current place of employment is not one built for someone at my stage of life and teaching. It is geared more towards someone who has already retired from a public job. I want to eventually get married and have a family, and I would love to do everything I can to support them. A job in a public school district will put me closer to that goal, and as much as I have enjoyed my students the last two years, I know that teaching at an alternative school will quickly burn me out. It’s time to take the next step.

Take a trip to Pittsburgh
No, I did not recently forsake my Seahawks fandom and convert to Steeler Nation. That won’t be happening now or ever. However, I have met someone pretty awesome, and I am looking forward to spending time with that person. I am a firm believer in leaving no stone unturned, and that path appears to be taking me to western Pennsylvania.

Show more appreciation to those who have positively impacted my life
I have a lot of good memories. My students could tell you that I am armed with myriad stories of great times and greater people. However, I am not always the best at letting others know I am thinking of them or appreciate the contributions they have made toward me becoming the man that I am today. It is my intention to be more thoughtful and to let others know how much I appreciate all that they have done.

Write with more frequency
Writing has always been a great release for me, so it makes sense that I should do it more often. However, much of the material I write is fairly heavy, so it can be difficult to have a lot to write about in a short amount of time. I am planning on adding shorter, more light-hearted posts to my catalog. I have a 27 part series that I will be starting later this week that I am extremely excited about. I will still be doing all the posts that you’ve come to know and love (like? tolerate?), but I will be adding some variety to my posts.

Make a list of fun things I want to do this year, and then do them
Life can be challenging. If not handled appropriately, these challenges can become overwhelming. I have learned that it is extremely important to balance life with enjoyable experiences. They make the less enjoyable experiences seem worthwhile because they are building to something greater. This year I am going to write down a number of enjoyable things that could be potential highlights of 2014. Then I am going to go out and do the ones that are doable from a practical and monetary standpoint.

Take the time to remember at least one good thing that has happened in my life on each day of the year
I am blessed (and sometimes cursed) with a fantastic memory. My mind is programmed to remember dates extremely well. I believe that it is important to remember what has gotten me to where I am and use those lessons and experiences to get me to where I want to be. Over the course of this year, I want to create an “On This Day…” calendar to document the good memories that I have experienced for each day of the year. On days that are lacking memories, I will do what I can to make lasting memories either this year or in the future.

Ride it out
One of the most valuable lessons that I have learned in the past year or so is that every action does NOT require my equal and opposite reaction. For much of my life, I have tried to start from scratch at the very first sign of trouble. I have reinvented myself more times than I care to count. Any time that any of my relationships or romantic pursuits seemed to not go well, I would immediately try to react and right the ship. Unfortunately, this usually led to overcompensating and making things worse. I have finally realized that not everything in life is going to be perfect, and not every problem demands that I fix it. Sometimes it pays to ride it out. I believe that if I am consistent in my attitudes and behaviors that I can brave the storms and emerge better for them. This year I am going to put that thinking to the test.

2013 may have left me weary, but it also left me battle-tested. I know what it takes to withstand the trials of life, and more than any other point in my life, I am prepared to succeed do not intend to let anything stand in my way. I am excited for what is to come. It’s 2014. I’ve got this.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 in Review

For the tenth (?!?) year in a row, I am ending my year by blogging about it in a “Year in Review” post. I enjoy this post probably more than I enjoy writing any other post over the course of the year, as it allows me to reflect on the year that just was and even allows me to go back years later to ponder and reminisce. Quite honestly, 2013 was a challenging year. Put bluntly, it was awful, but it did have some bright spots. As usual, there will be a month-by-month rundown of the year and some thoughts to follow.

January: The year started off with a bang, if by “bang” you mean “Jakob fears for his job.” The school thought they were going to have to lay me off as enrollment went the wrong direction. Fortunately, that did not happen, but I was constantly looking over my shoulder after that. I had a nasty cold/illness that took most of the month to fully shake. I was able to enjoy a nice little Saturday trip to Grand Rapids, Michigan, with my family and got to watch the Seahawks nearly pull off one of the greatest upsets in playoff history. Unfortunately, they came up short, but it provided a lot of hope for the following season.

February: Thanks to rising frustrations, I started lifting at the gym to supplement my cardio. While I am by no means “jacked”, I made a significant amount of progress in regards to my strength. The month was challenging. Two of my students got into a fight in the middle of class, which led to severe long-term ramifications for them both inside and out of the classroom. I honestly felt like I had failed as a teacher.

March: Somehow, enrollment turned around at work and my class began to grow exponentially to the point that I was once again given some help in my classroom, for which I was very thankful. It lightened my load and made the rest of the school year run more smoothly. I made the decision to run another marathon and began training for that. Things began to go extremely sour with a coworker, a recurring theme of 2013.

April: Once again, I enjoyed a pleasant birthday. I decided to get a new tattoo on my birthday of the word “hypomone” on my forearm (a Greek word for “endurance” or “courageous resolve” that was the title of my youth pastor’s last sermon in that position while I was in high school). Mom was a bit freaked at first, but she got over it quickly. I was able to enjoy our yearly WrestleMania get together at my aunt and uncle’s house (even though this particular WrestleMania was decidedly subpar). The month took a nosedive very quickly, as a very close family friend passed away unexpectedly. I still don’t know why things like that happen, but I guess it’s not my place to have such knowledge.

May: Marathon training got more intense, and I began to rack up the miles. I felt weary physically, mentally, and emotionally, as the wear and tear of the school year was finally starting to affect me. I made a poor decision on a birthday gift for someone, and that blew up in my face. It happens. It would have been very easy to simply coast into the end of the school year at that point. But my kids deserved better than that, so they got better.

June: June was a very eventful month. The school year officially ended at the beginning of the month, and the last day was a great celebration of how far we had all come over the past year. I gave each of my students personalized letters with “one last lesson” I wanted them to take with them, and they really responded to that well. I went to a WWE event with my uncle and aunt, and quite honestly, our seats were amazing. I love sitting on the floor. I ran the marathon, which was awful. The weather was bad, the terrain was bad, and the entire experience was bad. I injured my ankle with ten miles to go, but being the stubborn person that I am, I hobbled to the end and crossed the finish line. The rest of the trip to Iowa with my parents and cousin was fun, however.

July: I finally got started on a goal of mine when I began my M. Ed. Program with the American College of Education. It was always my intent to start grad school after I had taught full time for a year, as I would have a year of experience under my belt and more money to pay for grad school. I just didn’t think that whole process would take as long as it did. I was apprehensive about being rusty at the start, having been out of school for a few years, but I was able to shake those cobwebs and at this point, I am one-third done with the entire program. I also was able to catch one of the bands that I listen to at a free show at the mall and got to meet with them after.

August: I almost don’t know where to start here. I was asked by the social worker to help her with a presentation for our school’s Behavior Committee during one of our two in-service days prior to the start of the school year. I had still not heard anything about the beginning of the school year and my assignment, so I began to worry. I finished my part of the presentation and brought it in to work a few days early, hoping to get my assignment. I heard nothing specific, but I got a letter in the mail about coming to teacher orientation the following week. I thought everything was alright. When we got to orientation, roughly half of us were informed that because of plummeting enrollment, we were laid off. Unfortunately, I was one of those people. Eleven of my twelve students from the previous year were allowed reinstatement to their public schools. I was very happy for them, but I was out of a job because I had done my job so well. I was left scrambling because I had not applied for any jobs over the summer (thinking my position was still intact). I applied for the few jobs that were out there, and shockingly to me, I was called by three of those schools for an interview. The first interview was awkward and I felt overmatched, so I knew that one wasn’t going to go well. The second interview was at an alternative high school, and I really hit it off with the administrators, so I felt very optimistic about that. The third interview was at a school where two of my former students currently attend. I was very hopeful about this position. I received a call back from the superintendent to “discuss the position” because my first interview went so well. Unbeknownst to me until midway through the conversation, this was actually another interview and I was not offered the job. Unfortunately for me, he decided to go in another direction. The month did end on a nice note, however, as my sister had a very nice wedding in Grand Rapids and I gave a pretty great speech at the reception.

September: This is when the wheels more or less fell off. I received the job at the alternative high school, but after meeting with one of the district administrators, I did not feel right about it. When I started, I quickly realized that gut instinct was right. Curriculum at the school was a joke, my responsibilities were misrepresented to me during my interviews, and the students were not held accountable for anything. I was told to treat it as a victory that the kids were even showing up. They were allowed to curse me out, and I was offered one of two courses of action: I could either ignore it or curse back at them. Neither of those options was particularly palatable to me. Throw in an assistant who tried to undermine instead of help, and I realized I was being set up to fail. I made the difficult decision to walk away from the job for the sake of my sanity. At this point, I returned to AAA. My job was not waiting for me. I was still laid off. I did not want to just sit around and collect unemployment. I knew that if I was not productive, I would lose my mind. So I started working at the school for free, doing whatever they needed me to do. This quickly turned into me actually teaching a class (but without any real benefits). It wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do. This month also led to great disappointment with someone. I (perhaps naively) believed that my long wait was over and things were finally about to change. I sent a few awesome personalized gifts out that way in hopes that my charm would finally be the catalyst to change. It wasn’t. I was promised a letter that never came. As my world around me felt like it was crumbling, I walked to the mailbox everyday because it was the only thing I held out hope for. That hope never arrived. I sucked it up and kept going.

October: This month held the status quo in terms of work and school. I got into a daily routine, and while it wasn’t optimal, I got used to it. I went to a Seahawks game in Indianapolis with my dad and sister, and we had a good time even though our guys unfortunately lost. We also had a nice trip to Michigan City, Indiana, to the outlet malls, and over the course of this month I met a fellow teacher and WWE fan who helped restore my smile a bit.

November: I was about ready to tap out and stop volunteering at AAA when I was informed that I would be receiving my class back. A number of students were expelled from a district (that, coincidentally, my professor for the grad school course I was taking worked in) and the school had a need for my services. It was tough jumping back in right then and there, but it’s always better to have something than to be lacking.

December: The year ended with a lot of entertaining relatives, holiday celebrations, and teaching. It’s interesting that I ended this year pretty much in the same place that I ended last year, but the route I took to get there this year was much more circuitous.

So, yeah, a lot happened this year. In comparison to previous “Year in Review” posts, this is significantly longer. I felt I had to go into detail to let you know where I’ve been and how I got to where I am today.

2013 was a struggle. Loss is never an easy thing to handle. When you have to deal with losses in employment, in friendships, in relationships, in unexpected deaths, and in hope, it takes a toll on you. Things like that make it very difficult to get up in the morning. But that is never an excuse to give up, easy as that may be.

Quite possibly the thing this year I am proudest of is the fact that I did not regress as a person despite all that occurred. Sure, I made some of the same mistakes I’ve always made (especially in the relationship realm), but I didn’t go backwards. In years past, I would’ve let the defeats hit me harder. I kept at it, and the “courageous resolve” that is visibly displayed on my forearm was on display for the rest of t he world to see as well.

I’m looking forward to 2014. I’ll be honest… I’ve been looking forward to it since June or July! It was a year that put 2005 and 2010 to shame. I am excited for what is to come. I’ve got nowhere to go but up!

Monday, December 30, 2013

A Letter to My 25 Year Old Self

A while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is a bonus installment of the series.

Letter to Jakob Duehr: To be received December 31, 2012

Dear Jakob,

This is from you, 365 days into the future. Normally I wouldn’t write a reflective letter so close to the fact (we try to safeguard against recency bias), but I’m making an exception for you. You’re going to need it. Before you read this letter, I have one warning for you:
You’re not going to like this.

2013 is going to be the most challenging year of your life. I know you’ve had bad years before, but quite honestly, they pale in comparison. 2001? Child’s play. 2010? That’s a trip to the Riviera. This is even worse than 2005.

You accomplished a lot in 2012. Quite honestly, it was impressive, though tiring. You’re already going to feel a bit weary heading into 2013. This year is going to start off on a very poor note. Things at AAA aren’t going well, though it has nothing to do with the job you are doing. Very shortly into the New Year, you will be informed that you are going to be laid off from your job. Fortunately, this does not happen, but it keeps you on pins and needles in fear that it will.

You will keep waiting for the year to get better and to turn around. You remind yourself of slow starts to 2003 and 2004 and how those years turned around to become two of the greatest years of your life. Yeah, that doesn’t happen. Every time you think things can’t get worse, they do.

Professionally

For your sake, I’m going to break up these bad things into a few different sections. Let’s start with your professional life. You honestly did a good job finishing up your first year at AAA, 11 of your 12 students will get to return to public school. However, that success puts you out of a job. You will not find out until August that you are laid off for the upcoming school year. You’re going to be scrambling to find something else. Shockingly, you actually get a few job interviews. You don’t wind up getting the job you wanted, but you’ll be offered a new job at a new school, which, given the circumstances, you accept.

That was a bad decision. You’ve never been a quitter; in fact, there are times you’ll be accused of hanging onto things for too long. But you cannot and will not succeed in areas that are designed for you to fail. This, sadly, will be one of those places. Your success at AAA is predicated on your ability to develop meaningful relationships with your students to create a family atmosphere. This school does not allow for that, and it does not require any modicum of self-control or discipline for the students. This isn’t going to work, and you’ll get out while you can.

After this, you will go back to AAA and work for free. That’s right. You are going to do much of what you did last year, but for no paycheck. Yes, it will be humbling. Deal with it. Good things and glamorous things are very rarely the same thing. Your patience and perseverance will pay off, as you will get your classroom back by Thanksgiving. You’re back to where you started, but it will take a circuitous route to get there.

Romantically
You might want to skip this part. 2013 will be THE most frustrating year for you in this regard. Some of it will be your fault, and some of it will not.

You’re going to break one of your own cardinal rules by pursuing a coworker. This is stupid. Don’t do it. You have nothing in common other than the fact you work together and are very popular with the kids. This will not end well. It does not end well. For every half step of progress you make, you will regress five steps. It’s an unnecessary distraction, and it’s something the kids will pick up on. The (very limited) rewards are not worth everything else. Don’t ever do this again.

JLJ will come back into your life. You two are each other’s boomerangs. This time, you think it’s finally going to happen… the long wait will finally end. Don’t be so naïve. Your assistant director will tell you, “Jakob, unfortunately the things we want and the things we need are two very different things. Sometimes, you’re just not meant to get what you want.” Though she wasn’t speaking about this particular situation, take those words to heart. Realize that as much as you care about her, the choices that she makes in life are ultimately hers. Love her through them, and do not be bitter if and when those choices do not end in your favor. Approach life with a surplus of hope and an absence of expectation.

You’re actually going to meet someone new in October. She’s pretty special. She’s a wrestling fan and a teacher too. Treat her well. Appreciate her, but also realize that the choices she will make are ultimately out of your control. Love and respect her through them, even if they do not result in favorable outcomes. Treat her well no matter what.

The Bitter Pills
You’re going to fall even more out of touch with the core group of friends you grew up with. In fact, the only one of them you will see this calendar year is Merrill. You can’t sit back and long for summer 2003, November 2004, or January 2009. You have to accept life for what it is and make the best of it. Stickam will shut down too, so you’ll lose that outlet for keeping in touch with people.

You’re going to deal with loss this year. Students you tutored, teachers you worked with, youth group peers, and very close family friends will all pass away this year. It doesn’t make sense to you, and it won’t make sense to you. If anything, let it be a lesson to you to treat everyone as if it might be the last time you ever see them. Appreciate everything.

You’re going to run another marathon. Unfortunately, the marathon occurs on a gravel trail after a torrential downpour on a 90 degree day. The poor conditions will result in you twisting your ankle around mile 16. You don’t quit, though. You will hobble those last 10 miles and cross that finish line.

The Silver Linings
I’d be remiss if I said the year was devoid of bright spots. Good things will happen. You’ll see concerts and WWE events. You’ll get a new tattoo on your birthday. You’ll see another Seahawks game (even though they’ll lose). You’ll actually get a medal in the only 5k race you’ll run all year.

Because of the frustration, you’ll actually start to lift weights at the gym instead of just doing cardio. Slowly but surely, you’ll get stronger and put on some muscle. You’re not quite where you want to be yet in that regard, but you’re getting closer.

You are going to finally get started on grad school. At this point, you only have a year left. The fears you have about being rusty will quickly subside.

Your sister is going to get married. That’s exciting. You’ll even give a pretty awesome speech at the reception!

Take these lessons with you. They’ll serve you well.
Nothing I have written can effectively prepare you for what is to come, but here are a few lessons to take with you to get you through this year and the future as well.

Work hard. Always do your best. Be a good example for the kids. Trust me, they watch EVERYTHING you do. Model good behavior for them. Let them know that nothing is below them. Humble yourself always.

Accept defeat with grace and humility. That does not mean to let things go with a whimper. Fight with everything you have until it’s over. When it is over, let it go and have a peace knowing that you did your best.

Finally, remember that not everything can be a clear-cut victory. Sometimes, survival is the victory. You have survived this year. You are stronger, and you have nowhere to go but up. I wish you the best, and most of all, I wish you peace.

All the best,
Jakob Duehr, 2013 Edition

Monday, December 23, 2013

2013 in List Form

2013 was… something. It was an absolutely great year for music, as you will see that my lists are beefed up more than in years. My love for the Seahawks increased (as if that was even possible), and television pretty much maintained the status quo. While 2013 was not quite like 2012 in the “doing amazing things” category, I still accomplished a few things that I am excited to share with you. Be prepared for my more detailed “Year in Review” post next week.

As I post every year, everything is ranked by my arbitrary personal preference. I don’t consider myself to be an expert (or even semi-expert… yay 13 year old inside jokes) for any of these things, but I do like what I like. This just gives you a better glimpse into the things that I do like.

Songs
1. The Dangerous Summer – Miles Apart
2. Broadway Calls – Lucky Lighter
3. We Came as Romans – I Survive
4. Alkaline Trio – I’m Only Here to Disappoint
5. State of Drama – Fighter
6. Mayday Parade – Girls
7. A Day to Remember – I Remember
8. Simple Plan – Ordinary Life
9. The Story So Far – Small Talk
10. A Great Big World – This Is the New Year
11. New Found Glory – Connect the Dots
12. The Fold - Love
13. Spoken – Through It All
14. My Chemical Romance – The World Is Ugly
15. FORA – Let Them Say
16. A Loss for Words – Eclipsed
17. Ellie Goulding – Burn
18. The Wonder Years – Passing Through a Screen Door
19. The Summer Set – Someday
20. The National – Heavenfaced

New Albums
1. A Day to Remember – Common Courtesy
2. The Dangerous Summer – Golden Record
3. Mayday Parade – Monsters in the Closet
4. Alkaline Trio – My Shame Is True
5. A Loss for Words – Before It Caves
6. Better Luck Next Time – We’ll Take It From Here
7. Forever the Sickest Kids – J.A.C.K.
8. State Champs – The Finer Things
9. We Came as Romans – Tracing Back Roots
10. New Years Day – Victim to Villain

Cover/Re-imagined/Specialty Albums
1. Yellowcard – Ocean Avenue Acoustic
2. New Found Glory – Kill it Live
3. Story of the Year – Page Avenue: 10 Years and Counting
4. Gavin Mikhail – Stubborn Love…
5. Rise Against – Long Forgotten Songs: B-Sides & Covers 2000-2013
6. Various Artists – The Songs of Tony Sly: A Tribute
7. Anberlin – Devotion
8. Scott Krippayne – Hymns
9. My Chemical Romance – Conventional Weapons
10. New Found Glory – Mania

TV Shows
1. NCIS
2. NCIS: Los Angeles
3. Burn Notice
4. Psych
5. White Collar

Sports Moments
1. Seahawks dismantle 49ers on Sunday Night Football
2. Dolph Ziggler wins World Heavyweight Championship
3. Seahawks defeat Redskins to win first road playoff game in nearly 30 years
4. Blackhawks win Stanley Cup
5. Attending WWE Payback

Places to Eat
1. Granite City
2. The Grand Buffet
3. Qdoba (RIP in Chicagoland)
4. Pepe’s
5. Noodles & Company

Personal Moments
1. Attending Seahawks vs. Colts, October 6
2. Finishing 6th place overall at a 5k race, September 21
3. Attending WWE Payback, June 16
4. Starting grad school, July 15
5. Birthday and new tattoo, April 4
6. Completing my second marathon, June 22
7. Completing my first year of teaching, June 3
8. Standing in my sister’s wedding, August 31
9. Trip to Grand Rapids with the family, January 12
10. Portillo’s with Merrill and Aldo, June 3