27 Albums That Shaped the First 27 Years of my Life, #27: Avalon - In a Different Light

As I quickly approach my 27th birthday (an age, coincidentally, that many musicians met their own mortality), I have been thinking about the role that music has played in my life. I have not played an instrument for nearly sixteen years and have never been in a band, but I would still consider myself an audiophile. The 26000 songs on my hard drive would agree with me as well.

Because of all those things, I thought it would be as good a time as any to compile my list of the 27 albums that most shaped these first 27 years of my life. Starting Friday January 31, I will be posting one album from the list every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until we reach #1 just before my birthday.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I am not saying that these are the 27 greatest albums of all time. I am not so arrogant to believe that my personal opinion is the definitive voice on music. I like what I like. Hopefully you will be able to unearth some gems from my list. If not, that is alright. These songs and albums are important to me regardless of anyone’s opinions of them.

#27: Avalon – In a Different Light
Release Date: March 23, 1999
When I first heard the album: Summer 1999

Why I loved it then: Let’s be honest. You probably didn’t expect a late-1990s Contemporary Christian release to be the first album on this list. But growing up, this is the type of music we listened to in my house. The radio was always set to the Christian station, and it was the only genre I listened to until high school. While admittedly there was a lot of goofy and cheesy music on that station, there were some gems. I loved Avalon as a kid because I thought their vocals always meshed seamlessly. I owned the audio cassette of this album, and I listened to it almost every morning of seventh grade.

Why I still love it now: Nostalgia, mostly. This is far from the type of music that generally permeates my speakers. I wouldn’t even go so far as to say that I still “love” the album. But if I need to listen to something that is unapologetically positive, I could do much worse than this. It still brings me back to junior high, my first season of playing

Lingering Lyric: “You saved me once/ I know you’ll save me still”
Top Tracks: Take You at Your Word, Always Have, Always Will, Let Your Love

27 Albums That Shaped the First 27 Years of My Life: Introduction and Honorable Mentions

As I quickly approach my 27th birthday (an age, coincidentally, that many musicians met their own mortality), I have been thinking about the role that music has played in my life. I have not played an instrument for nearly sixteen years and have never been in a band, but I would still consider myself an audiophile. The 26000 songs on my hard drive would agree with me as well.

In life, whether we are going through good times or a particularly rough patch, it is extremely comforting to know that someone else out there gets it. Music has the ability to convey that message. Some of my favorite albums are the ones that I heard during a rough patch in my life. In many ways, music helped me through those hard times. (You’ll definitely see that when I get to #1 on my list.)

Music is special to me because it is so closely tied to my memories. I can hear the opening to Relient K’s “Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been”, and I am instantly swept away to my bedroom on Christmas 2004 when I heard the song for the first time. When I hear Boys Like Girls’ “On Top of the World”, I think of Dan and I in our rental car in Florida, driving with the windows down and truly feeling alive. I can still feel the same pain when I hear Bright Eyes’ “Landlocked Blues” that I felt in summer 2010 when the song represented my “Summer of Sorrow”. It is so nice to have that channel to my past so that only a few notes can instantly transport me to another time and place.

Because of all those things, I thought it would be as good a time as any to compile my list of the 27 albums that most shaped these first 27 years of my life. Starting Friday January 31, I will be posting one album from the list every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until we reach #1 just before my birthday.

Let me make one thing abundantly clear: I am not saying that these are the 27 greatest albums of all time. I am not so arrogant to believe that my personal opinion is the definitive voice on music. I like what I like. Hopefully you will be able to unearth some gems from my list. If not, that is alright. These songs and albums are important to me regardless of anyone’s opinions of them.

As you will eventually see, each post will follow the same format. You will see the album title, the release date, and the general time period during which I heard the album for the first time. I’ll explain why I loved it then and why it still matters to me now. I’ll give you some lyrics that have stayed with me, and I’ll tell you my personal favorite tracks on the album. I am very excited to share this particular passion with everyone.

There are so many albums that I absolutely love (or loved at a particular point in my life), but for the purposes of this list I stopped at 27 albums. Here are a few albums that just missed the cut. Check in Friday for #27!

27 Albums That Have Shaped the First 27 Years of My Life: Honorable Mentions
Go: Audio – Made Up Stories
Mayday Parade – Anywhere But Here
Linkin Park – Hybrid Theory
Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More
Boys Like Girls – Boys Like Girls

2014: I've Got This

I know, it’s a bit late for my first post of 2014, but work and school have taken precedence. I also wanted to have clarity of mind before I posted anything.

It’s pretty well known by this point that 2013 was a particularly challenging year for me. I would go so far as to say that it has been the worst year of my life to date. That said, this is a new year, and with a new year comes new opportunities and new challenges. Though last year was difficult, I am pleased with the progress I made as a person. There’s a lot that I want to accomplish in 2014. I thought I would share some of these (in no particular order of importance).

Finish grad school with a grade point average of at least 3.8
My goal during as an undergraduate was to graduate summa cum laude. To do so at Olivet Nazarene University, one must complete their studies with a cumulative grade point average of 3.8 or better. I finished with a grade point average of 3.792. That ate at me for quite some time. I want to do better in my graduate program. Through a third of the program, I have a 4.0 grade point average. I know what it is going to take to meet or exceed my goal, and I will do everything in my power to make it happen.

Obtain employment in a public non-alternative school district
I have been blessed to have a job. It is not easy out there for teachers. However, my current place of employment is not one built for someone at my stage of life and teaching. It is geared more towards someone who has already retired from a public job. I want to eventually get married and have a family, and I would love to do everything I can to support them. A job in a public school district will put me closer to that goal, and as much as I have enjoyed my students the last two years, I know that teaching at an alternative school will quickly burn me out. It’s time to take the next step.

Take a trip to Pittsburgh
No, I did not recently forsake my Seahawks fandom and convert to Steeler Nation. That won’t be happening now or ever. However, I have met someone pretty awesome, and I am looking forward to spending time with that person. I am a firm believer in leaving no stone unturned, and that path appears to be taking me to western Pennsylvania.

Show more appreciation to those who have positively impacted my life
I have a lot of good memories. My students could tell you that I am armed with myriad stories of great times and greater people. However, I am not always the best at letting others know I am thinking of them or appreciate the contributions they have made toward me becoming the man that I am today. It is my intention to be more thoughtful and to let others know how much I appreciate all that they have done.

Write with more frequency
Writing has always been a great release for me, so it makes sense that I should do it more often. However, much of the material I write is fairly heavy, so it can be difficult to have a lot to write about in a short amount of time. I am planning on adding shorter, more light-hearted posts to my catalog. I have a 27 part series that I will be starting later this week that I am extremely excited about. I will still be doing all the posts that you’ve come to know and love (like? tolerate?), but I will be adding some variety to my posts.

Make a list of fun things I want to do this year, and then do them
Life can be challenging. If not handled appropriately, these challenges can become overwhelming. I have learned that it is extremely important to balance life with enjoyable experiences. They make the less enjoyable experiences seem worthwhile because they are building to something greater. This year I am going to write down a number of enjoyable things that could be potential highlights of 2014. Then I am going to go out and do the ones that are doable from a practical and monetary standpoint.

Take the time to remember at least one good thing that has happened in my life on each day of the year
I am blessed (and sometimes cursed) with a fantastic memory. My mind is programmed to remember dates extremely well. I believe that it is important to remember what has gotten me to where I am and use those lessons and experiences to get me to where I want to be. Over the course of this year, I want to create an “On This Day…” calendar to document the good memories that I have experienced for each day of the year. On days that are lacking memories, I will do what I can to make lasting memories either this year or in the future.

Ride it out
One of the most valuable lessons that I have learned in the past year or so is that every action does NOT require my equal and opposite reaction. For much of my life, I have tried to start from scratch at the very first sign of trouble. I have reinvented myself more times than I care to count. Any time that any of my relationships or romantic pursuits seemed to not go well, I would immediately try to react and right the ship. Unfortunately, this usually led to overcompensating and making things worse. I have finally realized that not everything in life is going to be perfect, and not every problem demands that I fix it. Sometimes it pays to ride it out. I believe that if I am consistent in my attitudes and behaviors that I can brave the storms and emerge better for them. This year I am going to put that thinking to the test.

2013 may have left me weary, but it also left me battle-tested. I know what it takes to withstand the trials of life, and more than any other point in my life, I am prepared to succeed do not intend to let anything stand in my way. I am excited for what is to come. It’s 2014. I’ve got this.

2013 in Review

For the tenth (?!?) year in a row, I am ending my year by blogging about it in a “Year in Review” post. I enjoy this post probably more than I enjoy writing any other post over the course of the year, as it allows me to reflect on the year that just was and even allows me to go back years later to ponder and reminisce. Quite honestly, 2013 was a challenging year. Put bluntly, it was awful, but it did have some bright spots. As usual, there will be a month-by-month rundown of the year and some thoughts to follow.

January: The year started off with a bang, if by “bang” you mean “Jakob fears for his job.” The school thought they were going to have to lay me off as enrollment went the wrong direction. Fortunately, that did not happen, but I was constantly looking over my shoulder after that. I had a nasty cold/illness that took most of the month to fully shake. I was able to enjoy a nice little Saturday trip to Grand Rapids, Michigan, with my family and got to watch the Seahawks nearly pull off one of the greatest upsets in playoff history. Unfortunately, they came up short, but it provided a lot of hope for the following season.

February: Thanks to rising frustrations, I started lifting at the gym to supplement my cardio. While I am by no means “jacked”, I made a significant amount of progress in regards to my strength. The month was challenging. Two of my students got into a fight in the middle of class, which led to severe long-term ramifications for them both inside and out of the classroom. I honestly felt like I had failed as a teacher.

March: Somehow, enrollment turned around at work and my class began to grow exponentially to the point that I was once again given some help in my classroom, for which I was very thankful. It lightened my load and made the rest of the school year run more smoothly. I made the decision to run another marathon and began training for that. Things began to go extremely sour with a coworker, a recurring theme of 2013.

April: Once again, I enjoyed a pleasant birthday. I decided to get a new tattoo on my birthday of the word “hypomone” on my forearm (a Greek word for “endurance” or “courageous resolve” that was the title of my youth pastor’s last sermon in that position while I was in high school). Mom was a bit freaked at first, but she got over it quickly. I was able to enjoy our yearly WrestleMania get together at my aunt and uncle’s house (even though this particular WrestleMania was decidedly subpar). The month took a nosedive very quickly, as a very close family friend passed away unexpectedly. I still don’t know why things like that happen, but I guess it’s not my place to have such knowledge.

May: Marathon training got more intense, and I began to rack up the miles. I felt weary physically, mentally, and emotionally, as the wear and tear of the school year was finally starting to affect me. I made a poor decision on a birthday gift for someone, and that blew up in my face. It happens. It would have been very easy to simply coast into the end of the school year at that point. But my kids deserved better than that, so they got better.

June: June was a very eventful month. The school year officially ended at the beginning of the month, and the last day was a great celebration of how far we had all come over the past year. I gave each of my students personalized letters with “one last lesson” I wanted them to take with them, and they really responded to that well. I went to a WWE event with my uncle and aunt, and quite honestly, our seats were amazing. I love sitting on the floor. I ran the marathon, which was awful. The weather was bad, the terrain was bad, and the entire experience was bad. I injured my ankle with ten miles to go, but being the stubborn person that I am, I hobbled to the end and crossed the finish line. The rest of the trip to Iowa with my parents and cousin was fun, however.

July: I finally got started on a goal of mine when I began my M. Ed. Program with the American College of Education. It was always my intent to start grad school after I had taught full time for a year, as I would have a year of experience under my belt and more money to pay for grad school. I just didn’t think that whole process would take as long as it did. I was apprehensive about being rusty at the start, having been out of school for a few years, but I was able to shake those cobwebs and at this point, I am one-third done with the entire program. I also was able to catch one of the bands that I listen to at a free show at the mall and got to meet with them after.

August: I almost don’t know where to start here. I was asked by the social worker to help her with a presentation for our school’s Behavior Committee during one of our two in-service days prior to the start of the school year. I had still not heard anything about the beginning of the school year and my assignment, so I began to worry. I finished my part of the presentation and brought it in to work a few days early, hoping to get my assignment. I heard nothing specific, but I got a letter in the mail about coming to teacher orientation the following week. I thought everything was alright. When we got to orientation, roughly half of us were informed that because of plummeting enrollment, we were laid off. Unfortunately, I was one of those people. Eleven of my twelve students from the previous year were allowed reinstatement to their public schools. I was very happy for them, but I was out of a job because I had done my job so well. I was left scrambling because I had not applied for any jobs over the summer (thinking my position was still intact). I applied for the few jobs that were out there, and shockingly to me, I was called by three of those schools for an interview. The first interview was awkward and I felt overmatched, so I knew that one wasn’t going to go well. The second interview was at an alternative high school, and I really hit it off with the administrators, so I felt very optimistic about that. The third interview was at a school where two of my former students currently attend. I was very hopeful about this position. I received a call back from the superintendent to “discuss the position” because my first interview went so well. Unbeknownst to me until midway through the conversation, this was actually another interview and I was not offered the job. Unfortunately for me, he decided to go in another direction. The month did end on a nice note, however, as my sister had a very nice wedding in Grand Rapids and I gave a pretty great speech at the reception.

September: This is when the wheels more or less fell off. I received the job at the alternative high school, but after meeting with one of the district administrators, I did not feel right about it. When I started, I quickly realized that gut instinct was right. Curriculum at the school was a joke, my responsibilities were misrepresented to me during my interviews, and the students were not held accountable for anything. I was told to treat it as a victory that the kids were even showing up. They were allowed to curse me out, and I was offered one of two courses of action: I could either ignore it or curse back at them. Neither of those options was particularly palatable to me. Throw in an assistant who tried to undermine instead of help, and I realized I was being set up to fail. I made the difficult decision to walk away from the job for the sake of my sanity. At this point, I returned to AAA. My job was not waiting for me. I was still laid off. I did not want to just sit around and collect unemployment. I knew that if I was not productive, I would lose my mind. So I started working at the school for free, doing whatever they needed me to do. This quickly turned into me actually teaching a class (but without any real benefits). It wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do. This month also led to great disappointment with someone. I (perhaps naively) believed that my long wait was over and things were finally about to change. I sent a few awesome personalized gifts out that way in hopes that my charm would finally be the catalyst to change. It wasn’t. I was promised a letter that never came. As my world around me felt like it was crumbling, I walked to the mailbox everyday because it was the only thing I held out hope for. That hope never arrived. I sucked it up and kept going.

October: This month held the status quo in terms of work and school. I got into a daily routine, and while it wasn’t optimal, I got used to it. I went to a Seahawks game in Indianapolis with my dad and sister, and we had a good time even though our guys unfortunately lost. We also had a nice trip to Michigan City, Indiana, to the outlet malls, and over the course of this month I met a fellow teacher and WWE fan who helped restore my smile a bit.

November: I was about ready to tap out and stop volunteering at AAA when I was informed that I would be receiving my class back. A number of students were expelled from a district (that, coincidentally, my professor for the grad school course I was taking worked in) and the school had a need for my services. It was tough jumping back in right then and there, but it’s always better to have something than to be lacking.

December: The year ended with a lot of entertaining relatives, holiday celebrations, and teaching. It’s interesting that I ended this year pretty much in the same place that I ended last year, but the route I took to get there this year was much more circuitous.

So, yeah, a lot happened this year. In comparison to previous “Year in Review” posts, this is significantly longer. I felt I had to go into detail to let you know where I’ve been and how I got to where I am today.

2013 was a struggle. Loss is never an easy thing to handle. When you have to deal with losses in employment, in friendships, in relationships, in unexpected deaths, and in hope, it takes a toll on you. Things like that make it very difficult to get up in the morning. But that is never an excuse to give up, easy as that may be.

Quite possibly the thing this year I am proudest of is the fact that I did not regress as a person despite all that occurred. Sure, I made some of the same mistakes I’ve always made (especially in the relationship realm), but I didn’t go backwards. In years past, I would’ve let the defeats hit me harder. I kept at it, and the “courageous resolve” that is visibly displayed on my forearm was on display for the rest of t he world to see as well.

I’m looking forward to 2014. I’ll be honest… I’ve been looking forward to it since June or July! It was a year that put 2005 and 2010 to shame. I am excited for what is to come. I’ve got nowhere to go but up!

A Letter to My 25 Year Old Self

A while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is a bonus installment of the series.

Letter to Jakob Duehr: To be received December 31, 2012

Dear Jakob,

This is from you, 365 days into the future. Normally I wouldn’t write a reflective letter so close to the fact (we try to safeguard against recency bias), but I’m making an exception for you. You’re going to need it. Before you read this letter, I have one warning for you:
You’re not going to like this.

2013 is going to be the most challenging year of your life. I know you’ve had bad years before, but quite honestly, they pale in comparison. 2001? Child’s play. 2010? That’s a trip to the Riviera. This is even worse than 2005.

You accomplished a lot in 2012. Quite honestly, it was impressive, though tiring. You’re already going to feel a bit weary heading into 2013. This year is going to start off on a very poor note. Things at AAA aren’t going well, though it has nothing to do with the job you are doing. Very shortly into the New Year, you will be informed that you are going to be laid off from your job. Fortunately, this does not happen, but it keeps you on pins and needles in fear that it will.

You will keep waiting for the year to get better and to turn around. You remind yourself of slow starts to 2003 and 2004 and how those years turned around to become two of the greatest years of your life. Yeah, that doesn’t happen. Every time you think things can’t get worse, they do.

Professionally
For your sake, I’m going to break up these bad things into a few different sections. Let’s start with your professional life. You honestly did a good job finishing up your first year at AAA, 11 of your 12 students will get to return to public school. However, that success puts you out of a job. You will not find out until August that you are laid off for the upcoming school year. You’re going to be scrambling to find something else. Shockingly, you actually get a few job interviews. You don’t wind up getting the job you wanted, but you’ll be offered a new job at a new school, which, given the circumstances, you accept.

That was a bad decision. You’ve never been a quitter; in fact, there are times you’ll be accused of hanging onto things for too long. But you cannot and will not succeed in areas that are designed for you to fail. This, sadly, will be one of those places. Your success at AAA is predicated on your ability to develop meaningful relationships with your students to create a family atmosphere. This school does not allow for that, and it does not require any modicum of self-control or discipline for the students. This isn’t going to work, and you’ll get out while you can.

After this, you will go back to AAA and work for free. That’s right. You are going to do much of what you did last year, but for no paycheck. Yes, it will be humbling. Deal with it. Good things and glamorous things are very rarely the same thing. Your patience and perseverance will pay off, as you will get your classroom back by Thanksgiving. You’re back to where you started, but it will take a circuitous route to get there.

Romantically
You might want to skip this part. 2013 will be THE most frustrating year for you in this regard. Some of it will be your fault, and some of it will not.

You’re going to break one of your own cardinal rules by pursuing a coworker. This is stupid. Don’t do it. You have nothing in common other than the fact you work together and are very popular with the kids. This will not end well. It does not end well. For every half step of progress you make, you will regress five steps. It’s an unnecessary distraction, and it’s something the kids will pick up on. The (very limited) rewards are not worth everything else. Don’t ever do this again.

JLJ will come back into your life. You two are each other’s boomerangs. This time, you think it’s finally going to happen… the long wait will finally end. Don’t be so naïve. Your assistant director will tell you, “Jakob, unfortunately the things we want and the things we need are two very different things. Sometimes, you’re just not meant to get what you want.” Though she wasn’t speaking about this particular situation, take those words to heart. Realize that as much as you care about her, the choices that she makes in life are ultimately hers. Love her through them, and do not be bitter if and when those choices do not end in your favor. Approach life with a surplus of hope and an absence of expectation.

You’re actually going to meet someone new in October. She’s pretty special. She’s a wrestling fan and a teacher too. Treat her well. Appreciate her, but also realize that the choices she will make are ultimately out of your control. Love and respect her through them, even if they do not result in favorable outcomes. Treat her well no matter what.

The Bitter Pills
You’re going to fall even more out of touch with the core group of friends you grew up with. In fact, the only one of them you will see this calendar year is Merrill. You can’t sit back and long for summer 2003, November 2004, or January 2009. You have to accept life for what it is and make the best of it. Stickam will shut down too, so you’ll lose that outlet for keeping in touch with people.

You’re going to deal with loss this year. Students you tutored, teachers you worked with, youth group peers, and very close family friends will all pass away this year. It doesn’t make sense to you, and it won’t make sense to you. If anything, let it be a lesson to you to treat everyone as if it might be the last time you ever see them. Appreciate everything.

You’re going to run another marathon. Unfortunately, the marathon occurs on a gravel trail after a torrential downpour on a 90 degree day. The poor conditions will result in you twisting your ankle around mile 16. You don’t quit, though. You will hobble those last 10 miles and cross that finish line.

The Silver Linings
I’d be remiss if I said the year was devoid of bright spots. Good things will happen. You’ll see concerts and WWE events. You’ll get a new tattoo on your birthday. You’ll see another Seahawks game (even though they’ll lose). You’ll actually get a medal in the only 5k race you’ll run all year.

Because of the frustration, you’ll actually start to lift weights at the gym instead of just doing cardio. Slowly but surely, you’ll get stronger and put on some muscle. You’re not quite where you want to be yet in that regard, but you’re getting closer.

You are going to finally get started on grad school. At this point, you only have a year left. The fears you have about being rusty will quickly subside.

Your sister is going to get married. That’s exciting. You’ll even give a pretty awesome speech at the reception!

Take these lessons with you. They’ll serve you well.
Nothing I have written can effectively prepare you for what is to come, but here are a few lessons to take with you to get you through this year and the future as well.

Work hard. Always do your best. Be a good example for the kids. Trust me, they watch EVERYTHING you do. Model good behavior for them. Let them know that nothing is below them. Humble yourself always.

Accept defeat with grace and humility. That does not mean to let things go with a whimper. Fight with everything you have until it’s over. When it is over, let it go and have a peace knowing that you did your best.

Finally, remember that not everything can be a clear-cut victory. Sometimes, survival is the victory. You have survived this year. You are stronger, and you have nowhere to go but up. I wish you the best, and most of all, I wish you peace.

All the best,
Jakob Duehr, 2013 Edition

2013 in List Form

2013 was… something. It was an absolutely great year for music, as you will see that my lists are beefed up more than in years. My love for the Seahawks increased (as if that was even possible), and television pretty much maintained the status quo. While 2013 was not quite like 2012 in the “doing amazing things” category, I still accomplished a few things that I am excited to share with you. Be prepared for my more detailed “Year in Review” post next week.

As I post every year, everything is ranked by my arbitrary personal preference. I don’t consider myself to be an expert (or even semi-expert… yay 13 year old inside jokes) for any of these things, but I do like what I like. This just gives you a better glimpse into the things that I do like.

Songs
1. The Dangerous Summer – Miles Apart
2. Broadway Calls – Lucky Lighter
3. We Came as Romans – I Survive
4. Alkaline Trio – I’m Only Here to Disappoint
5. State of Drama – Fighter
6. Mayday Parade – Girls
7. A Day to Remember – I Remember
8. Simple Plan – Ordinary Life
9. The Story So Far – Small Talk
10. A Great Big World – This Is the New Year
11. New Found Glory – Connect the Dots
12. The Fold - Love
13. Spoken – Through It All
14. My Chemical Romance – The World Is Ugly
15. FORA – Let Them Say
16. A Loss for Words – Eclipsed
17. Ellie Goulding – Burn
18. The Wonder Years – Passing Through a Screen Door
19. The Summer Set – Someday
20. The National – Heavenfaced

New Albums
1. A Day to Remember – Common Courtesy
2. The Dangerous Summer – Golden Record
3. Mayday Parade – Monsters in the Closet
4. Alkaline Trio – My Shame Is True
5. A Loss for Words – Before It Caves
6. Better Luck Next Time – We’ll Take It From Here
7. Forever the Sickest Kids – J.A.C.K.
8. State Champs – The Finer Things
9. We Came as Romans – Tracing Back Roots
10. New Years Day – Victim to Villain

Cover/Re-imagined/Specialty Albums
1. Yellowcard – Ocean Avenue Acoustic
2. New Found Glory – Kill it Live
3. Story of the Year – Page Avenue: 10 Years and Counting
4. Gavin Mikhail – Stubborn Love…
5. Rise Against – Long Forgotten Songs: B-Sides & Covers 2000-2013
6. Various Artists – The Songs of Tony Sly: A Tribute
7. Anberlin – Devotion
8. Scott Krippayne – Hymns
9. My Chemical Romance – Conventional Weapons
10. New Found Glory – Mania

TV Shows
1. NCIS
2. NCIS: Los Angeles
3. Burn Notice
4. Psych
5. White Collar

Sports Moments
1. Seahawks dismantle 49ers on Sunday Night Football
2. Dolph Ziggler wins World Heavyweight Championship
3. Seahawks defeat Redskins to win first road playoff game in nearly 30 years
4. Blackhawks win Stanley Cup
5. Attending WWE Payback

Places to Eat
1. Granite City
2. The Grand Buffet
3. Qdoba (RIP in Chicagoland)
4. Pepe’s
5. Noodles & Company

Personal Moments
1. Attending Seahawks vs. Colts, October 6
2. Finishing 6th place overall at a 5k race, September 21
3. Attending WWE Payback, June 16
4. Starting grad school, July 15
5. Birthday and new tattoo, April 4
6. Completing my second marathon, June 22
7. Completing my first year of teaching, June 3
8. Standing in my sister’s wedding, August 31
9. Trip to Grand Rapids with the family, January 12
10. Portillo’s with Merrill and Aldo, June 3

On the Grateful Lifestyle and Its Challenges

It’s not always easy to take the time to truly reflect and feel grateful for the things we have. Our government has given us the fourth Thursday of November to celebrate life’s blessings, but true gratitude should be an ongoing lifestyle choice. I will be the first to tell you that I do not do this, but I also know that I am not alone in that. Often, our sense of ingratitude is derived from one of two sources.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Deep down, there is a little Veruca Salt in all of us. We want what we want, and we want it now. We have goals and desires, and we are so singularly focused on them that anything less than those things is considered a massive disappointment. In and of itself, that is not a bad thing. It is good to aspire to new heights. It safeguards against complacency. But in being so single-minded, we lose sight of two things. One, we do not take joy in our journeys. Our desire for instant gratification can be a detriment. Successes are sweeter after failures, and the most satisfying successes take time and effort. If we always got everything we wanted as soon as we wanted it, we would quickly become numb to success. Success is a blessing and should be treated as such. Second, our desires can often outweigh our common sense. I will never forget when one of my bosses told me “Mr. Duehr, the things we want are often the things we should not have.” We sometimes get so disappointed by the fact that our lives do not meet the ideals we have set for them that we ignore the fact that many of those ideals are not the best things for us, and we neglect to acknowledge the good things we do have.


“And I still love the things I lost that brought me here…”

Perhaps my greatest barrier to a grateful lifestyle is the memory of what used to be. I have a hard time getting past the things I have lost. I’ve often been guilty of living in the past; this much I admit. It is difficult enjoy the present when the present seems inferior to the past. I would give almost anything to alter the course of 2013. I miss how my job once was. I miss having my friends around. I miss the hope that certain relationships once brought. But time has created separation between myself and those things. I know I can’t be the only one who struggles with that, but it’s not healthy. The past was great. Cherish it. But be thankful for the present and hopeful for the future.

“You know what the secret to happiness is? Wanting what you have.”

I used the above quote in my Thanksgiving 2011 post, and I like it so much that I decided to use it again. I spend too much too much time thinking about what I used to have or never will have that I lose sight of what I do have. My needs are covered. After a rocky few months, I have returned to full time employment and teaching my own class. I may not see my friends often anymore, but I still have people who genuinely care about me and want to see me prosper. I am mindful of the fact that I do still have goals and aspirations and am still on the road to where I want to be, but I am thankful for the progress I have made. This year has been far from easy, but I truly believe that by being mindful of the blessings I have been afforded, things will seem more hopeful. While none of us live in perfection, we do have a lot to be thankful for. It’s time to actively take notice.

Richards Revisited

I spend a lot of time thinking about the cyclical nature of life. When things are particularly rough (as they have been this year), I am quick to remind myself that things will come around. Conversely, I really try to find enjoyment in the good times, fleeting as they may be. Some periods of our lives seem better or worse in hindsight, as recency bias fades away. However, the most special times of our lives are just as amazing now as they seemed at the time. My time at Richards was one of those times. Since today marks five years to the day of my last day there as a student teacher, I figure that recency bias has worn off enough to objectively write about my time there.

Most people do not know that I wasn’t actually supposed to do my student teaching at Richards. I was set for placement at Lincoln-Way East High School when I found out in spring that they had terminated their contracts with all student teachers for that school year. Some of my former high school administrators and teachers tried to pull some strings to get me at Tinley Park High School, but they were overruled by district personnel. It was not until mid-summer that I found out I was going to complete my student teaching at Harold L. Richards High School. The superintendent of my high school district (who was my former associate principal) had a close relationship with the coordinator of social studies for District 218, and he put in a good word for me. By the beginning of July, my placement was finally set, and I was good to go.

I was given three World History and two Honors United States History courses and the opportunity to learn under Mr. Montes. Montes was a sharp guy. While I was used to teachers who pretty much only taught one way (lecture style), Montes varied his lessons a lot. There were the traditional lessons at times, but he was a huge proponent of experiential learning. Seeing those types of lessons really opened the floodgates for me in terms of broadening my horizons and becoming more innovative as a teacher (skills I would definitely need at AAA Academy).

Fortunately, I was able to observe under him for two weeks before taking over any of the classes myself. Quite honestly, I was scared to death of the kids. I was never the most confident guy in the world to that point, and the idea of being a 21 year old teaching 16 and 17 year old kids was daunting, to say the least. Those first two weeks I wanted to just crawl into a corner and hide. The kids later (mostly) jokingly referred to me as “the creepy guy in the back” during that period.
Something crazy happened once I started to teach. I actually started to get comfortable. Instead of trying to be Montes Jr. I decided to be me, or “Mr. D.”, as my student aide called me (which stuck). I taught the lessons, but I tried to make connections in ways that hopefully resonated with my audience. Lame jokes and pop culture references abounded, and we even had “Techno Tuesday” in my first period class.

I was able to quickly develop good relationships with a significant percentage of my 125 students. I think we were able to connect so quickly because of how close we were in age. I understood and had a lot of patience with them because I was not all that far removed from being in that stage of life myself. I couldn’t get through the hallways in any sort of reasonable time because of how often I’d get stopped by kids. I never found my seat at the football games because I’d be engaged in all sorts of fun conversations. For one of the first times in my life, I really felt like I belonged.

Now that I’m a bit older and well-removed from my time there, I can admit that I was far from perfect during my time there. As a student teacher (and even during your career as a full-time teacher), you are learning on the fly. Perfection is not a reasonable goal; progress is. A lot of it stemmed from the fact that I was becoming popular with the kids. Popularity breeds a false sense of accomplishment and an inflated sense of your abilities. Too often, I wanted to be their friends and be one of those “cool” teachers. I never should have accepted their MySpace or Facebook friend requests until they were out of high school. Put bluntly, I was a young kid who thought I knew everything. I didn’t always take advice well. Most of the time, I would ignore it. My preparation was never an issue, but my classroom management often was. I was far too laid back, and in turn was far too lax with the students. Because I liked them so much, I wanted to see them succeed, and I wasn’t firm enough with them. Deadlines often got extended. Our class was far too loud. One student was so comfortable with me that he brought a roll of pennies to hurl at a freshman. I wasn’t all that good at keeping ahead of the procedural paper trail, but I learned from that by the time I moved on to my full-time gig.

Not all students liked me, either, but that comes with the territory. I am the only teacher I know that has received a hate message in a bottle from a student. It was an extreme measure, but it was not entirely uncalled for. He felt that I did not do enough to keep some of the other students from bothering him. I felt that he was an agitator to them. The reality was somewhere in between.

The lessons were fun. I’ll never forget the token trading activity we did during the Ancient African unit, nor will I forget breaking up the class into different city-states for our version of the Greek Olympics. The kids were engaged, and for many of them, I was able to see definite progress.
Montes and I differed in our methods of dealing with students. I did not always agree, but he was the veteran and I was the rookie, and he truly did know better. Though Montes and I fell out of touch immediately after student teaching, he and Mr. Gavin (another social studies teacher and former student teacher of Montes) were invaluable as mentors to me during that time. It upsets me that I never got to thank Mr. Gavin for looking out for me before he died. I don’t want the same to happen with Montes.

I only spent 62 days at Richards High School, but I have a lifetime of memories. I could probably fill up another five blog posts detailing them. From the botched disaster drill to that Civil War role-playing activity that went horribly wrong to Lyons passing gas in a fan to Babalou singing inappropriate song lyrics during class to Connect Four tournaments to the guy in fifth period cutting his long blond hair into a purple Mohawk because I sarcastically said I’d give him extra credit for it, some of my finest memories occurred in that classroom.

There are two things I was able to take from Richards that value more than most things in my life. First, I learned how to really be an effective teacher. It took me a while to put the pieces together, but Montes and Gavin gave the tools and had patience with me when I didn’t get things right. My mistakes refined me, and I have succeeded as a teacher since because I was given that opportunity to rise and fall on my own merits. The other thing I was able to take was the number of former students I still consider friends to this day. I feel like I learned more from some of them than they ever learned from me. I still keep a letter from one of those students in my car to read whenever I am having a particularly hard day on the job. Now that they are in their early twenties and I’m in my mid-twenties, we really seem like peers. I am so proud of so many of them, and I am constantly excited to see where their roads are going to take them.

To Montes, thank you. To you unfortunate 125 kids who had to be my guinea pigs for 12 weeks, thank you. Because of you, I am who I am today. I’m not the creepy guy in the back anymore. I have confidence in my abilities, and I have been able to grow in those abilities. My time with you was one of the most exciting and enjoyable periods of my life. I hope my time with you was a fraction as meaningful to you as it was to me.

The Problem of Caring

Confession time: I have often preached balance, both in conversations and on my blog, but I am pretty bad at it. Actually, “pretty bad” is far too kind. I am miserably imbalanced in some areas. Particularly, I have an issue when it comes to caring.

When I get an idea in my head, I devote nearly all my time and energy to it. In some cases, this can be a good thing. Some of my greatest accomplishments can be attributed to the relentless pursuit I made toward my goals. I was able to lose significant amounts of weight twice and run two marathons. My drive got me there.

However, I am learning that it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, the more I care, the more I press. When I was in high school, my #1 goal was to receive a full scholarship to college. Since my athletic skills were decent but not elite, I knew that a scholarship would have to come as a result of my academic abilities. My school of choice (and eventual alma mater) awarded full scholarships with a composite ACT score of 34. I studied my rear off for that. I worked and worked and took the test a number of times. I got a 33.25. I missed by one question.

Years later, I worked as a tutor and ACT instructor at a learning center. In order to become an ACT instructor at the center, I had to take the ACT all over again. At least I was told I had to; as time went on, I began to believe that they only made me take the test to see how “smart” I actually was. I really didn’t care how I did. There was no stress on me at all. I got a 35.

My greatest exhibition of imbalance comes in my relationships with the opposite sex. Things are usually great with someone before I realize I have a romantic interest in them. Once I come to that realization, I usually bring about my own death knell. I do too much. I try too hard. It’s not pretty, and honestly, it doesn’t work. In my younger days, it usually led to a major blowup between me and the object of my affection culminating in me being told off.

What scares me sometimes is the success I have in things when I no longer care about them. As I said before, I did better on the ACT when there was no pressure on me. The same people who blow up at me generally tend to change their opinion of me when I no longer give a care about them. As long as I don’t reciprocate their care, things are alright. Once the care returns, the cycle continues.

This presents a problem. Obviously, caring about something signifies that we desire success in that area. Once we want something, we start to care about it. That is natural. It would be odd if we did not care about the things we wanted and cared about the things we did want.

So, can the problem of caring be solved? I think so, to an extent. I can’t always change what I care about, but I can do my best to limit the pressure I put on myself when I do start to care about something. I cannot put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Sometimes I spend so much time worrying about failure that I do not put myself in a position to succeed. Failure happens, and success takes time. Balance is out there. Maybe I’ll find it someday. Maybe.

So You Really Want to Know How I've Been?

This is the post I never really wanted to write. However, it is significantly more convenient to write this than have to tell the same stories three dozen times. Since the middle of August, my life has been an absolute roller coaster. Scratch that. It has felt more like a bottomless pit. Every time I think that I have reached the bottom, I find I still have a bit more tumbling to do.

It started in the middle of August. I had not yet received my assignment for the following school year. I honestly didn’t think anything of it, as the school often flies by the seat of its pants and very little is ever known in advance. The social worker had texted me to get my input on a project, so I was feeling good about things. A few days later, I received my official notice that I had to report the following week for teacher orientation.

When we arrived at orientation, we were informed by the school’s director that decreases in both enrollment and public funding had led to the staff size getting drastically cut. Two days before the school year was supposed to begin, a sizable number of teachers were informed that they would be laid off. Unfortunately, I was one of these teachers. We were all still expected to come the next day for orientation, and the social worker and I wound up giving a killer presentation (despite the fact that I no longer was an active member of the staff).

Because the ax dropped so close to the beginning of the school year, I was in a bind concerning what to do. I had a great relationship with the staff and students, so I offered to volunteer in the afternoons to maintain a presence at the school. The school was more than willing to accept my free labor. In the meantime I applied for the few jobs that were available, thinking nothing of it considering how competitive the job market has been. To my surprise, my year of experience made me instantly more attractive. I received interviews at three schools: two public junior high schools and one alternative high school.

The first interview at a public school did not go as well as I would have liked. They utilized a number of specific programs that I did not have experience using, and I did not get that job. The interview went well with the alternative high school, and I was offered the job. Shortly after that, I had to meet with a high-ranking district administrator, and she and I seemed to have some philosophical differences concerning education and classroom management. After meeting with her, I was unsure whether or not I still had the position, so I interviewed with the other junior high (where two of my students from last school year happen to attend). The interview went well, and the superintendent called me to come in to discuss the position.

I was very excited to meet with the superintendent, and from our conversation on the phone I was led to believe that he was going to offer me the position. It was not until midway through our face to face conversation that I discovered that I was merely a finalist for the position. A few days later I found out that he decided to go with the other finalist. I was more than a bit miffed at being misled, but I was not bitter.

At this point, I decided to accept the teaching position at the alternative high school and was given a start date. I hoped that the transition would be smooth. It was not. I was thrown into the fire. When I interviewed for the position (Social Studies Teacher), I was told that I would be responsible for teaching four social studies classes. What I was not told was that I had to teach a social skills class as well as a speech class. Curricula for those courses were nonexistent, and they had no teacher’s editions for any of the social studies books. If I wanted worksheets, I had to seek out the one teacher in the building who was the “keeper of the worksheets”, and he would only give me what I needed for that week. It was virtually impossible to plan far in advance.

I could have gotten past those challenges, as I came from a school that is severely lacking in resources. I had a much harder time getting past the school’s rules, or lack thereof. Put simply, students were not held accountable for their behavior. They were allowed to curse out teachers without repercussions. Teachers were encouraged to either drop “f-bombs” back at their students or just ignore them. Punishing them was out of the question. Students were allowed to get up out of their seat without permission and could leave the classroom without the teacher stopping them. Students would get up during a lesson to go to the computers to check their Facebook. The style that brought me success at Richards, all the Orland schools, Huntington, and AAA Academy got me nothing but threats.

I quickly learned that the only way the students would do my lessons were if I didn’t give them lessons that I put any effort into. They would only do worksheets. No lectures, no discussions, and no experiential learning. I was told by a colleague that I should just “be happy that they’re showing up.” Call me a malcontent, but that was not enough for me. I tried to establish rules in my classroom, but I was met with resistance from students and staff. I was told that I could not command respect simply because I was the teacher. I had to “earn” their respect, and that I could earn this respect by letting some things slide. Again, not how I do things.

When I was at AAA Academy, I was blessed to maintain great relationships with the three individuals who assisted and/or co-taught with me in my classroom. I was not blessed with a similar relationship with my assistant at this school. The first thing she told me was how hard of a time I would have measuring up to my predecessor. She constantly questioned my apparently “strict” management techniques and even went as far to question the actual pedagogy of one of my lessons, despite not having any sort of formal educational training. Support was nonexistent.

I had to make the choice of sanity vs. salary. I chose sanity. I was not sleeping well. I felt like there was no way to improve the situation. I voiced my concerns daily with administration and was told that I would “get used to it”. I had no desire to get used to it. I took a leap of faith and walked away. Some of you may call me a quitter for that. That is your prerogative, but I think my track record in terms of relentless persistence speaks for itself. I had to make the decision that was best for me.

I decided to return to AAA Academy as a volunteer with hopes that enrollment will increase so I can resume my career there. A lot of people may not understand how or why I would do that, but for me, it’s good to be home.

Other things have happened the past month. My sister had a wedding and I gave a pretty good speech if I do say so myself (and I do). My only regret from the wedding was that the one person I wanted to take to the wedding could not be there with me, and I don’t know if she ever will be with me at any event like that. I am on the verge of finishing my second graduate school course with a 99%. Football is back, and my Seahawks are all sorts of amazing. I ran a 5k race and finished 6th out of 200 runners. The very person who cursed me out worse than anyone ever has back in May became one of my biggest supporters by August, and we enjoyed a nice little mini-lunch date with one another (though things went back to being a bit inconsistent after that).

I have been living in crazy times. Quite honestly, I’m drained. I’m exhausted, and I’m discouraged. I try to stay positive, but I’m beaten down. At this point, I hope I’ve reached the bottom of the pit and there’s no place to go but up. For those of you who have been there for me through all this, I can’t begin to express my gratitude. I’ll survive. I always do.