Greetings and salutations, my dear readers. I wouldn’t blame you if you forgot this site existed or if you thought that I forgot it existed. The last three months have been challenging for different reasons, but now that I have scaled some of these mountains, it’s about time I shared some of my life with you.
Most people know by this point that last August I accepted a teaching position at an alternative school. It was far from my dream job, but I was so eager to get into the teaching game after three years on the sidelines as a substitute teacher that I jumped at the opportunity. While I was excited for the new opportunity, I was more than a bit apprehensive as well. For those who are unfamiliar with what an alternative school is, it is a school for students who for one reason or another were expelled from their public school district. These infractions may include but are not limited to fighting, insubordination, possession and/or distribution of illegal substances, and possession of a weapon. Each of my students came to me for one of those reasons. That said, I never worked a day fearing for my own life or my own safety.
The first lesson I learned at this position was to never get too comfortable, because there is no such thing as a status quo. Everything is fluid and subject to change. When I was hired, I was placed in a classroom as an assistant to a veteran teacher who retired from the Chicago Public School System. About a month after that, I was given a classroom of my own. I started with five students ranging from fifth to seventh grade. The small group atmosphere really allowed us to create our own identity as a class and my own identity as their fearless leader.
As time went on, our class met with ebbs and flows. Due to the nature of our school, some students come, and some students go. As our class grew, I was blessed with two assistants: a female in the morning and a male in the afternoon. They really focused on the disciplinary aspect of the job and allowed me to key in on the academics (which, given my background, was more of my strong suit). We went from five up to seven before the holidays.
With our school being private, our livelihood really depends on strong enrollment. Unfortunately, our enrollment was below projections during the first semester, and by the time the holidays hit, we had to lay off a portion of our staff. I lost one of my assistants. When we came back from break, things still had not improved. I was called into my bosses’ office, and I was informed that they were going to have to lay me off at the end of the week. It was a really deflating feeling, and I had no idea what to do next. Fortunately, I was brought into their office again the next day and was informed that due to some shifts, I would be retained.
While I felt very blessed to still have a job, the next three months were some of the most challenging I have ever had. A number of my students stopped getting along, and given their volatile natures, I had to be on alert at all times. My classroom kept growing, and I started to feel overwhelmed. Without going into great detail, some of the kids decided to stop behaving, and it made things very difficult on me. Thankfully, due to steadily increasing enrollment, the school saw it fit to hire a co-teacher for me. We got along very well, and it eased a lot of my stress over the last two months.
Now that I am no longer a rookie teacher (and it took me long enough to shed that tag), I feel qualified to share some of my thoughts on the year, what I learned, and what worked. I have learned that adaptability is essential to success. It is important to be prepared, but in a place like this, things rarely (if ever) go according to plan. Therefore, I have to roll with it. Those who have known me for a long time know that this has not always been an area of strength, but as the school year progressed, I found myself getting better at it.
I also realized that it does me no good to complain about things. I will be the first to admit that at most of my previous places of employment I could be a bit of a malcontent at times. At this job I dug in, put my head down, and got to work. If I didn’t like something, I dealt with it. I must be getting older, because I realize that being the good soldier is not an option but instead a necessity.
The last major lesson I learned was that life is a marathon and not a sprint, and teaching is no exception. You can’t burn yourself out in September when you have to make it to the beginning of June. Always bring your A-game, but look at the big picture.
As I look back on this school year (and I intentionally waited a little while after the school year ended to write this so that I wouldn’t be clouded by emotion), I can certainly call it a success. Ultimately, Room 106 worked. And why did it work? There are two primary causes of our success.
The first cause of our success was the students themselves. I could be the best teacher in the world, and it would not mean a thing if I did not have students willing to work. Yes, my students were brought to me because of their poor choices, but they are merely kids. If people judged me for the things I did thirteen years ago, I would never have gotten this job. They bought into to this line of thinking: Poor choices brought you here; good choices will be your ticket out. They were not put in a bottomless pit. There is a light at the end of their tunnel, and the future is bright if they stay on the straight and narrow. Thankfully, most of them understood this.
The other cause of our success was that I don’t do things like normal teachers. Scratch that. I don’t do things like normal people. I can’t do normal. It doesn’t work for me. I don’t teach like Jakob Duehr trying to be a teacher. I teach like Jakob Duehr trying to be Jakob Duehr. We have Connect 4 tournaments. I play basketball with the kids in dress shoes and a tie (and can still dunk with those clothes on). I answer questions with song lyrics. Every day is a new opportunity to make another WWE reference. Most of these kids do not have good home lives. By not only seeing me as a teacher but also as an actual person, the students get actual enjoyment out of coming to school.
If the above paragraph came across as arrogant, that was certainly not my intent. I am merely saying that allowing students to see teachers for who they are (without sacrificing hard work or professionalism) creates a more welcome environment for the students. I also could not do what I do without the support of the administration. They give me the freedom to be me. If that means taking off my tie to let the students know I mean business, then so be it. All I have to do now is put my hands near my throat and students know that they better shape up.
To sum up a pile of text, it was a good year. I am ultimately pleased with how it went, but there is plenty of work left to do. I don’t see myself at an alternative school forever, but for this point in time, I am where I need to be. I hope to continue to grow as a person and as an educator, and I hope that next year is a success as well.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
A Note to My 16 Year Old Self
A little while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is the third in the series.
Letter to Jakob Duehr: to be received April 4, 2003
Dear Jakob,
Happy birthday, kid! You’ve made it to your 16th birthday. And yes, things are going to be pretty sweet. You’ve survived the past two years, and we both know it wasn’t easy. You didn’t ask for any of the hardships you’ve faced, but you’ve pushed past them and have even learned about yourself in the process. This letter should give you exactly what you need to get through the next two years. I’m only going to give you enough to take you through the end of high school.
I’m sorry, but you won’t be getting your driver’s license today. Your school district does things a little weird, and you’re still a couple days away from getting your learner’s permit. Sorry!
Aside from that disappointment, you are about to enter one of the happiest periods of your life. You left one youth group to focus solely on another, and it is probably the best decision you’ve made to this point. The friends you’ve had for years will grow even nearer and dearer to your heart. This upcoming summer you will hang out with them almost everyday. You’ll even start to get burned out with going out all the time. Don’t. Enjoy this time. Cherish this time.
You are actually only a couple days away from getting your first girlfriend. Congratulations. It won’t last long, but that’s your choice. It’ll feel nice to be cared about. Don’t get used to it. After this you will embark on a series of failed pursuits. Some blows will be cushioned softer than others. The girls you meet from church camp will be soft blows. The girls you meet from high school, not so much.
In the past the adversity you faced was not your fault. I am sorry to tell you that the adversity you will face now will be trials of your own creation. You still lack the one thing you need: confidence. This lack of confidence will cause you to do some strange things, especially from behind a computer. You will alienate yourself with a large group of people at your school because of the decisions YOU made. You will tirelessly work to correct these problems, but you will only dig deeper holes for yourself. You will fear walking through certain hallways.
Despite all that, you’ll make it through. You start to learn a little more about yourself, and you gain some maturity along the way. By mid-2004, you have a grasp of who you are and who you want to be, and you will work to become the person you want to be. 2003 and 2004 will be the two best years of the entire decade.
On a side note, I thought I’d share this with you: one night in late 2003, you randomly flip through channels and stumble upon Monday Night Raw. This rekindles a love for WWE that still exists. You wouldn’t believe how big your collection of wrestling stuff gets.
By 2005, things start to get a little tough. You learn that you can try as hard as you can but still fall just short. You’ll miss out on a couple full-ride scholarships. We both know how badly you wanted to get one of those. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It will be okay. Trust me.
So, enjoy today. Enjoy the next two years. They’ll be tough at times, but they’ll be ultimately enjoyable. Blow out those candles and buckle up. It’s going to be a wild ride!
Sincerely,
You, 10 Years Later
Letter to Jakob Duehr: to be received April 4, 2003
Dear Jakob,
Happy birthday, kid! You’ve made it to your 16th birthday. And yes, things are going to be pretty sweet. You’ve survived the past two years, and we both know it wasn’t easy. You didn’t ask for any of the hardships you’ve faced, but you’ve pushed past them and have even learned about yourself in the process. This letter should give you exactly what you need to get through the next two years. I’m only going to give you enough to take you through the end of high school.
I’m sorry, but you won’t be getting your driver’s license today. Your school district does things a little weird, and you’re still a couple days away from getting your learner’s permit. Sorry!
Aside from that disappointment, you are about to enter one of the happiest periods of your life. You left one youth group to focus solely on another, and it is probably the best decision you’ve made to this point. The friends you’ve had for years will grow even nearer and dearer to your heart. This upcoming summer you will hang out with them almost everyday. You’ll even start to get burned out with going out all the time. Don’t. Enjoy this time. Cherish this time.
You are actually only a couple days away from getting your first girlfriend. Congratulations. It won’t last long, but that’s your choice. It’ll feel nice to be cared about. Don’t get used to it. After this you will embark on a series of failed pursuits. Some blows will be cushioned softer than others. The girls you meet from church camp will be soft blows. The girls you meet from high school, not so much.
In the past the adversity you faced was not your fault. I am sorry to tell you that the adversity you will face now will be trials of your own creation. You still lack the one thing you need: confidence. This lack of confidence will cause you to do some strange things, especially from behind a computer. You will alienate yourself with a large group of people at your school because of the decisions YOU made. You will tirelessly work to correct these problems, but you will only dig deeper holes for yourself. You will fear walking through certain hallways.
Despite all that, you’ll make it through. You start to learn a little more about yourself, and you gain some maturity along the way. By mid-2004, you have a grasp of who you are and who you want to be, and you will work to become the person you want to be. 2003 and 2004 will be the two best years of the entire decade.
On a side note, I thought I’d share this with you: one night in late 2003, you randomly flip through channels and stumble upon Monday Night Raw. This rekindles a love for WWE that still exists. You wouldn’t believe how big your collection of wrestling stuff gets.
By 2005, things start to get a little tough. You learn that you can try as hard as you can but still fall just short. You’ll miss out on a couple full-ride scholarships. We both know how badly you wanted to get one of those. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It will be okay. Trust me.
So, enjoy today. Enjoy the next two years. They’ll be tough at times, but they’ll be ultimately enjoyable. Blow out those candles and buckle up. It’s going to be a wild ride!
Sincerely,
You, 10 Years Later
26 Things I Want to Accomplish as a 26 Year Old
My life is better when I have goals in mind. If I don’t, not only do I not have anything to look forward to (which I know is a personally dangerous thing for me), but I also feel like I am wandering aimlessly. Some of them will be more challenging, while others will be a bit more whimsical. Nonetheless, in no particular order, these are the things I want 26 year old Jakob Duehr to accomplish.
1. Complete another marathon. Have enough energy to finish as strong as I start.
2. Run a sub-5:30 mile.
3. Attend another Seahawks game.
4. Attend a concert of some sort.
5. Make at least 3 new friends.
6. Go on at least 4 dates with the same person.
7. Get another tattoo.
8. Launch two new websites.
9. Start on a Masters program.
10. Continue to improve as a teacher.
11. Travel to at least two states I have never travelled to previously.
12. Reach out to old friends more often.
13. Learn how to cook a full meal.
14. Take fewer things personally.
15. Hang out in person with at least one online friend.
16. Drink more water.
17. Attend a WWE event.
18. Get tweeted at by at least 5 celebrities.
19. Complete a 5k race in less than 20 minutes.
20. Receive a medal for my age group in a 5k race.
21. Eradicate my fear of failure and rejection.
22. Limit my use of sarcasm.
23. Wear my red pants in public.
24. Write at least one chapter of a book.
25. Focus more on the present than the past or future.
26. Be better.
1. Complete another marathon. Have enough energy to finish as strong as I start.
2. Run a sub-5:30 mile.
3. Attend another Seahawks game.
4. Attend a concert of some sort.
5. Make at least 3 new friends.
6. Go on at least 4 dates with the same person.
7. Get another tattoo.
8. Launch two new websites.
9. Start on a Masters program.
10. Continue to improve as a teacher.
11. Travel to at least two states I have never travelled to previously.
12. Reach out to old friends more often.
13. Learn how to cook a full meal.
14. Take fewer things personally.
15. Hang out in person with at least one online friend.
16. Drink more water.
17. Attend a WWE event.
18. Get tweeted at by at least 5 celebrities.
19. Complete a 5k race in less than 20 minutes.
20. Receive a medal for my age group in a 5k race.
21. Eradicate my fear of failure and rejection.
22. Limit my use of sarcasm.
23. Wear my red pants in public.
24. Write at least one chapter of a book.
25. Focus more on the present than the past or future.
26. Be better.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Relevance Revisited, or Continuing Studies in Relevance
I know I covered the topic of relevance at great length in 2008 and 2009, but it is still a topic that holds near and dear to my heart, and it is a topic that I feel can be visited once again.
In my life (in the last decade at least), I haven’t given much thought or care whether I was liked or disliked. I haven’t cared whether I was admired or revered. I honestly haven’t even given much thought to how respected I am. I do, however, give thought to my relevance. Do people notice me, positively or negatively? Is what I’m doing important? Does it matter?
There’s a fairly new band that I happen to like named The Lumineers. In their song “Stubborn Love”, they sing “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all/ The opposite of love’s indifference.” I really think they’re on to something.
I personally believe the worst words to hear are not “I hate you,” or “I wish I had never met you.” Those words, though drenched in malice, signify an emotional response between the speaker and the recipient. I have long believed that anyone who is capable of loving someone is equally as capable of hating a person, and vice versa. The emotions of love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. They are very different, but are related. No, I believe that the worst words to hear are “Who are you again?” or “You don’t matter to me” or “You’ve never mattered to me.” Those statements, even when free of malice, are cold and detached. Nobody wants to feel irrelevant or superfluous.
As I have stated on a number of occasions, most notably in my Apologia, I was part of two youth groups during my teen years. One of those youth groups I left in 2003 because I never felt like I belonged. When I look back on my time spent there, I have come to realize that there were only a small handful of times where I was actually treated badly. What was the case, though, was that I don’t think it mattered much to most people whether I was around or not. I was just around. I wasn’t well-liked, but I wasn’t hated either. I was just there. I wasn’t relevant, and I think that’s what ate at me the most.
The older I have gotten, I have been able to conquer a number of my fears and do things my younger self would have thought improbable, if not impossible. One of my greatest fears (whether real or imagined), is that one day I will come to the realization that I was far less important (both small-scale and in the grand scheme of things) than I thought I was, that others mattered to me far more than I mattered to them.
So is there a key to staying relevant, to making a difference in people’s lives, to matter as much to others as they matter to you? If there is, I have not yet found it. All I know that I can do is to live with a purpose and do purposeful things. Even if you can not maintain personal relevance, the actions you make can last long after you have gone. You cannot make someone positively care about you, but you can do a lot of positive things for a lot of people. And really, that’s what matters.
In my life (in the last decade at least), I haven’t given much thought or care whether I was liked or disliked. I haven’t cared whether I was admired or revered. I honestly haven’t even given much thought to how respected I am. I do, however, give thought to my relevance. Do people notice me, positively or negatively? Is what I’m doing important? Does it matter?
There’s a fairly new band that I happen to like named The Lumineers. In their song “Stubborn Love”, they sing “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all/ The opposite of love’s indifference.” I really think they’re on to something.
I personally believe the worst words to hear are not “I hate you,” or “I wish I had never met you.” Those words, though drenched in malice, signify an emotional response between the speaker and the recipient. I have long believed that anyone who is capable of loving someone is equally as capable of hating a person, and vice versa. The emotions of love and hate are opposite sides of the same coin. They are very different, but are related. No, I believe that the worst words to hear are “Who are you again?” or “You don’t matter to me” or “You’ve never mattered to me.” Those statements, even when free of malice, are cold and detached. Nobody wants to feel irrelevant or superfluous.
As I have stated on a number of occasions, most notably in my Apologia, I was part of two youth groups during my teen years. One of those youth groups I left in 2003 because I never felt like I belonged. When I look back on my time spent there, I have come to realize that there were only a small handful of times where I was actually treated badly. What was the case, though, was that I don’t think it mattered much to most people whether I was around or not. I was just around. I wasn’t well-liked, but I wasn’t hated either. I was just there. I wasn’t relevant, and I think that’s what ate at me the most.
The older I have gotten, I have been able to conquer a number of my fears and do things my younger self would have thought improbable, if not impossible. One of my greatest fears (whether real or imagined), is that one day I will come to the realization that I was far less important (both small-scale and in the grand scheme of things) than I thought I was, that others mattered to me far more than I mattered to them.
So is there a key to staying relevant, to making a difference in people’s lives, to matter as much to others as they matter to you? If there is, I have not yet found it. All I know that I can do is to live with a purpose and do purposeful things. Even if you can not maintain personal relevance, the actions you make can last long after you have gone. You cannot make someone positively care about you, but you can do a lot of positive things for a lot of people. And really, that’s what matters.
The Narrator and Tyler Durden Are Raging Inside Me
Warning: This blog post may contain spoilers from the previous millennium. Read at your own risk.
This past weekend I finally got around to watching Fight Club. Yes, I know I’m about thirteen years tardy to that party, but I can finally say I’ve seen it. It’s trippy, but it’s fascinating. The chemistry between Edward Norton and Brad Pitt is phenomenal. And any movie that features two singers that I greatly appreciate (Meat Loaf and 30 Seconds to Mars’ Jared Leto) is fine by me!
The purpose of the post isn’t to review or gush over the movie. Roger Ebert I am not. I want to talk about what I find to be the most interesting aspect of the film: the moment that the unnamed narrator (Norton) comes to the realization that Tyler Durden (Pitt) does not exist in reality but instead is nothing more than the manifestation of everything the narrator wishes that he could personally be. As Tyler says, “All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look… I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” While the narrator (at the beginning of the movie at least) is safe and milquetoast, with a lack of confidence and a love for all things IKEA, Tyler Durden is brash and bold, with big ideas and a disdain for the capitalistic system and the burden of media. The narrator comes to realize that all the things Durden did both good and bad were deeds actually done by the narrator himself. He then had to make a choice of which dog inside himself he wanted to feed.
Now, most of us (hopefully) do not suffer from dissociative identity disorder, but we all have a Tyler Durden living inside of us. There is an idealized version of ourselves resting somewhere that (to varying degrees) we wish would manifest itself realistically. Each of our Tylers look different because they are each a reflection of our individually idealized selves.
So what is my Tyler Durden like? Aesthetically, not much different. I dress how I want to dress. I talk how I want to talk. Sure, I’d like a little more muscle tone, but I’m working on that. However, my Tyler is bold and confident. He does not fear rejection and failure in the same way that I do. He recognizes risks and embraces them. He sees everything as opportunity, and he never ceases to seize those opportunities.
Because something is our idealized self, does it mean that it is the best thing for us? Of course not. The narrator has to atone for the missteps of Tyler. Tyler Durden is everything the narrator wishes he could be. As we all know, sometimes the things we want are far from the best things for us. But where the narrator failed, we can succeed. We do not have to make a concrete choice between our real and ideal. Rather, because we are dynamic beings, we can choose the appropriate characteristics of our real and ideal to optimize ourselves. We are the narrators of our lives, and we are Tyler Durden, and really, that’s okay.
This past weekend I finally got around to watching Fight Club. Yes, I know I’m about thirteen years tardy to that party, but I can finally say I’ve seen it. It’s trippy, but it’s fascinating. The chemistry between Edward Norton and Brad Pitt is phenomenal. And any movie that features two singers that I greatly appreciate (Meat Loaf and 30 Seconds to Mars’ Jared Leto) is fine by me!
The purpose of the post isn’t to review or gush over the movie. Roger Ebert I am not. I want to talk about what I find to be the most interesting aspect of the film: the moment that the unnamed narrator (Norton) comes to the realization that Tyler Durden (Pitt) does not exist in reality but instead is nothing more than the manifestation of everything the narrator wishes that he could personally be. As Tyler says, “All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look… I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.” While the narrator (at the beginning of the movie at least) is safe and milquetoast, with a lack of confidence and a love for all things IKEA, Tyler Durden is brash and bold, with big ideas and a disdain for the capitalistic system and the burden of media. The narrator comes to realize that all the things Durden did both good and bad were deeds actually done by the narrator himself. He then had to make a choice of which dog inside himself he wanted to feed.
Now, most of us (hopefully) do not suffer from dissociative identity disorder, but we all have a Tyler Durden living inside of us. There is an idealized version of ourselves resting somewhere that (to varying degrees) we wish would manifest itself realistically. Each of our Tylers look different because they are each a reflection of our individually idealized selves.
So what is my Tyler Durden like? Aesthetically, not much different. I dress how I want to dress. I talk how I want to talk. Sure, I’d like a little more muscle tone, but I’m working on that. However, my Tyler is bold and confident. He does not fear rejection and failure in the same way that I do. He recognizes risks and embraces them. He sees everything as opportunity, and he never ceases to seize those opportunities.
Because something is our idealized self, does it mean that it is the best thing for us? Of course not. The narrator has to atone for the missteps of Tyler. Tyler Durden is everything the narrator wishes he could be. As we all know, sometimes the things we want are far from the best things for us. But where the narrator failed, we can succeed. We do not have to make a concrete choice between our real and ideal. Rather, because we are dynamic beings, we can choose the appropriate characteristics of our real and ideal to optimize ourselves. We are the narrators of our lives, and we are Tyler Durden, and really, that’s okay.
25 Firsts as a 25 Year Old
25 Firsts as a 25 Year Old
The past year was a very long year. I feel like I aged 10 years in 365 days. It wasn’t that the year was bad, but it was quite draining. I accomplished a number of things, and many of them were first time occurrences. I’ll have a couple other birthday related posts soon, but here are 25 things I did for the first time while a 25 year old.
1. Completed a marathon
2. Ran a sub-6 minute mile
3. Finished in the top 100 of a 900 person race
4. Went on a vacation by myself
5. Travelled west of the Central Time Zone
6. Set foot on an NFL field
7. Attended an NFL game (in a different stadium than the field I walked on)
8. Broke up a fight singlehandedly.
9. Obtained first full-time teaching job
10. Was laid off from a job
11. Was brought back for said job within 24 hours
12. Asked out a coworker
13. Met people from GameFAQs
14. Spent time with Stickam friends in person
15. Interviewed for a job via webcam
16. Got the best vocal score in the world on a song on Rock Band
17. Viewed Seattle from the top of the Space Needle
18. Won a contest held by a band
19. Was punched so hard by Buttons that she drew blood
20. Climbed the highest “peak” of Illinois
21. Ate doughnuts in Portland, Oregon
22. Spent the entirety of my time as a 25 year old WITHOUT seeing two of my closest friends
23. Coordinated a class presentation for an assembly
24. Dunked a basketball while wearing dress clothes
25. Felt old
Now I know some of these things were ridiculous, but they were firsts. Not all first time events have to be profound. Some of these events likely will never happen again. Some hopefully will. Stay tuned to see what I hope to accomplish as a 26 year old.
The past year was a very long year. I feel like I aged 10 years in 365 days. It wasn’t that the year was bad, but it was quite draining. I accomplished a number of things, and many of them were first time occurrences. I’ll have a couple other birthday related posts soon, but here are 25 things I did for the first time while a 25 year old.
1. Completed a marathon
2. Ran a sub-6 minute mile
3. Finished in the top 100 of a 900 person race
4. Went on a vacation by myself
5. Travelled west of the Central Time Zone
6. Set foot on an NFL field
7. Attended an NFL game (in a different stadium than the field I walked on)
8. Broke up a fight singlehandedly.
9. Obtained first full-time teaching job
10. Was laid off from a job
11. Was brought back for said job within 24 hours
12. Asked out a coworker
13. Met people from GameFAQs
14. Spent time with Stickam friends in person
15. Interviewed for a job via webcam
16. Got the best vocal score in the world on a song on Rock Band
17. Viewed Seattle from the top of the Space Needle
18. Won a contest held by a band
19. Was punched so hard by Buttons that she drew blood
20. Climbed the highest “peak” of Illinois
21. Ate doughnuts in Portland, Oregon
22. Spent the entirety of my time as a 25 year old WITHOUT seeing two of my closest friends
23. Coordinated a class presentation for an assembly
24. Dunked a basketball while wearing dress clothes
25. Felt old
Now I know some of these things were ridiculous, but they were firsts. Not all first time events have to be profound. Some of these events likely will never happen again. Some hopefully will. Stay tuned to see what I hope to accomplish as a 26 year old.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
A Note to My (Soon to be) 13 Year Old Self
A little while back, I watched a video of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. reading a reflective letter he had written to his younger self. I was very moved by it, and I really liked the idea. Though I am still a relatively young man, I believe that I have learned enough over the past number of years to do something similar for myself. However, I am not merely limiting myself to one letter. Over the next year or so, I will be writing a few of these letters to myself at different ages, allowing me to reflect on my life in smaller chunks. This is the second in the series.
Letter to Jakob Duehr: to be received February 16, 2000
Dear Jakob.
Today is going to be a pretty big day for you. No, it's not because you kicked a home run in kickball at recess. It's also not because you FINALLY unlocked Captain Falcon in Super Smash Bros (don't worry, kid... you'll get better at video games as you get older). No, today is a special day. You're going to look back on today as the day that your life really began, the day the "Modern Era" of your life commenced. Today you are going to meet your first adolescent crush. She is going to be amazing. She'll be the one to finally make you forget about your Beverley Mitchell pipe dream. All of a sudden you are going to stop feeling like a little kid and start feeling like a teenager.
I'm not going to spoil too much of your life in this letter. I'm only going to give you enough information to get you through the summer of 2001. Over the next year or so, life is going to be pretty easy. Enjoy it. Take advantage of it. You're going to finish up your career at Stone on a high note. Cherish those days, because you will never like school nearly as much as you like Stone. Not only will you have that time at school, but you are also going to leave Christian Hills and return to Stone for church. This is a great thing for you, as it will bring you that much closer to Rob, Dan, and eventually Rex.
You just finished up your first year of basketball, and you worked your way up from bench-warmer to starter. I know how hard you worked to get to that point. I know that you wish that athletics came half as easily as academics. But you're going to keep at it, and you will get better. In eighth grade, you will start nearly every game AND be named the team's Most Improved Player. Good job, kid. You earned it.
Things aren't all roses, though. You're going to experience your first taste of heartbreak. Get used to it. It becomes a recurring theme for us. Later in life it won't always be your fault. This time it was. At this point, you still don't have much confidence. You're tall and thin now, but you still haven't grown into yourself yet, so to speak. After you fail with your first crush, you are going to start pursuing her younger sister. I shouldn't have to tell you that this is a bad idea, but we don't always think things all the way through.
The end of 7th grade will be bliss, but 8th grade will be challenging, not from an academic standpoint but from a social one. New classmates will test the bonds that your class made the previous year, and the increase of hormones will break the cohesion of the group. You will become frustrated with your classmates as well as your teammates on the basketball team, but you need to realize that life goes on, and nothing that happens at this point will have any bearing on your future.
This is the point of the note where I impart some wisdom to you to get you through the next year and a half. First of all, believe in yourself. Stop fearing failure. Too often you will sell yourself short, especially romantically. You always look at yourself as the underdog and don't believe that you're good enough for the girls that you are interested in. This lack of confidence will make you start to press and do silly things. I wish I could say you fully grow out of this, but at 25, we still do some stupid things every now and then. Don't block your own path. You're a good kid with a good heart. Sometimes you trust people a little too much. Don't let others make you bitter by their mistreatment of you. Stay who you are, because who you are is probably more awesome than you realize.
I don't know how this story ends. I'm still living and learning, but I do know what happens in the next chapter. I'll be there soon to help you through it.
Sincerely,
Your 25 Year Old Self
Letter to Jakob Duehr: to be received February 16, 2000
Dear Jakob.
Today is going to be a pretty big day for you. No, it's not because you kicked a home run in kickball at recess. It's also not because you FINALLY unlocked Captain Falcon in Super Smash Bros (don't worry, kid... you'll get better at video games as you get older). No, today is a special day. You're going to look back on today as the day that your life really began, the day the "Modern Era" of your life commenced. Today you are going to meet your first adolescent crush. She is going to be amazing. She'll be the one to finally make you forget about your Beverley Mitchell pipe dream. All of a sudden you are going to stop feeling like a little kid and start feeling like a teenager.
I'm not going to spoil too much of your life in this letter. I'm only going to give you enough information to get you through the summer of 2001. Over the next year or so, life is going to be pretty easy. Enjoy it. Take advantage of it. You're going to finish up your career at Stone on a high note. Cherish those days, because you will never like school nearly as much as you like Stone. Not only will you have that time at school, but you are also going to leave Christian Hills and return to Stone for church. This is a great thing for you, as it will bring you that much closer to Rob, Dan, and eventually Rex.
You just finished up your first year of basketball, and you worked your way up from bench-warmer to starter. I know how hard you worked to get to that point. I know that you wish that athletics came half as easily as academics. But you're going to keep at it, and you will get better. In eighth grade, you will start nearly every game AND be named the team's Most Improved Player. Good job, kid. You earned it.
Things aren't all roses, though. You're going to experience your first taste of heartbreak. Get used to it. It becomes a recurring theme for us. Later in life it won't always be your fault. This time it was. At this point, you still don't have much confidence. You're tall and thin now, but you still haven't grown into yourself yet, so to speak. After you fail with your first crush, you are going to start pursuing her younger sister. I shouldn't have to tell you that this is a bad idea, but we don't always think things all the way through.
The end of 7th grade will be bliss, but 8th grade will be challenging, not from an academic standpoint but from a social one. New classmates will test the bonds that your class made the previous year, and the increase of hormones will break the cohesion of the group. You will become frustrated with your classmates as well as your teammates on the basketball team, but you need to realize that life goes on, and nothing that happens at this point will have any bearing on your future.
This is the point of the note where I impart some wisdom to you to get you through the next year and a half. First of all, believe in yourself. Stop fearing failure. Too often you will sell yourself short, especially romantically. You always look at yourself as the underdog and don't believe that you're good enough for the girls that you are interested in. This lack of confidence will make you start to press and do silly things. I wish I could say you fully grow out of this, but at 25, we still do some stupid things every now and then. Don't block your own path. You're a good kid with a good heart. Sometimes you trust people a little too much. Don't let others make you bitter by their mistreatment of you. Stay who you are, because who you are is probably more awesome than you realize.
I don't know how this story ends. I'm still living and learning, but I do know what happens in the next chapter. I'll be there soon to help you through it.
Sincerely,
Your 25 Year Old Self
Friday, February 15, 2013
The End of an Era
As I stated at great length in my Apologia, I would not be who I am today without a number of places and people who have influenced me, both in person and online. On January 31, one of those places went away as Stickam shut down for the final time.
I joined Stickam in November of 2008, the same week that I completed student teaching at Richards and for all intents and purposes completed college. I joined the site due to two primary factors: 1) I had an abundance of free time, and 2) I had a webcam that was sitting around collecting dust. From the moment I joined, I knew it was unlike any other place I had seen on the internet. Unlike the message boards I had frequented on GameFAQs and even social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook, you could actually SEE all these people in real time.
With in my first couple months on the site, I was able to make connections with a number of people. I have never really been one to put myself out there, but I soon realized it wasn't hard to do so from the comfort of my own bedroom. And shockingly, people actually liked me!
Me being me, I eventually used the site as my own personal dating service. Being educated, well-spoken, and decent looking put me ahead of the curve, and it was what helped me gain the initial attention of Shannon and Jannelle, the two women that have shaped the romantic portion of my adult life more than any others. Meeting them (and any other marginal romantic pursuit)taught me things about myself, taught me things I should NOT do again in the future, and enabled me to grow as a person.
In addition to the romantic pursuits I had with Stickammers, I was able to make a number of meaningful friendships. I have met people from nearly every state and from a half dozen different countries. I would name them all individually, but it would take too much time and I would run the risk of forgetting someone and offending them. Over the past 4+ years, I have not seen or heard from my lifelong friends nearly as much as I had in years past. Sometimes it feels like we have grown completely out of touch. So it was nice to have met other people who have filled that void admirably. I have met nearly a dozen of them in person, and I hope to meet more in the future.
The site had its negatives, too. Was there unnecessary drama at times? Of course. Were there some people who I wish I had never met? Certainly. Did I waste too much time there instead of doing more productive things? Probably. But it was a place for people like me: weary people on the road from where they were to where they wanted to be. Over the course of my time there I met people from nearly every profession: students, teachers, musicians, tattoo artists, etc. Most of us probably wouldn't have ever hit it off if we had met in person, because we came from different backgrounds and had different interests. We came together because we wanted a place to get away from things for a little while.
Will I miss the site? Definitely. It had been the one constant in my adult life to this point. But am I ready to move on? Absolutely! I won't forget Stickam or the people I met there, but I am ready to move forward. It was a good four years, but it's time for a new era.
I joined Stickam in November of 2008, the same week that I completed student teaching at Richards and for all intents and purposes completed college. I joined the site due to two primary factors: 1) I had an abundance of free time, and 2) I had a webcam that was sitting around collecting dust. From the moment I joined, I knew it was unlike any other place I had seen on the internet. Unlike the message boards I had frequented on GameFAQs and even social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook, you could actually SEE all these people in real time.
With in my first couple months on the site, I was able to make connections with a number of people. I have never really been one to put myself out there, but I soon realized it wasn't hard to do so from the comfort of my own bedroom. And shockingly, people actually liked me!
Me being me, I eventually used the site as my own personal dating service. Being educated, well-spoken, and decent looking put me ahead of the curve, and it was what helped me gain the initial attention of Shannon and Jannelle, the two women that have shaped the romantic portion of my adult life more than any others. Meeting them (and any other marginal romantic pursuit)taught me things about myself, taught me things I should NOT do again in the future, and enabled me to grow as a person.
In addition to the romantic pursuits I had with Stickammers, I was able to make a number of meaningful friendships. I have met people from nearly every state and from a half dozen different countries. I would name them all individually, but it would take too much time and I would run the risk of forgetting someone and offending them. Over the past 4+ years, I have not seen or heard from my lifelong friends nearly as much as I had in years past. Sometimes it feels like we have grown completely out of touch. So it was nice to have met other people who have filled that void admirably. I have met nearly a dozen of them in person, and I hope to meet more in the future.
The site had its negatives, too. Was there unnecessary drama at times? Of course. Were there some people who I wish I had never met? Certainly. Did I waste too much time there instead of doing more productive things? Probably. But it was a place for people like me: weary people on the road from where they were to where they wanted to be. Over the course of my time there I met people from nearly every profession: students, teachers, musicians, tattoo artists, etc. Most of us probably wouldn't have ever hit it off if we had met in person, because we came from different backgrounds and had different interests. We came together because we wanted a place to get away from things for a little while.
Will I miss the site? Definitely. It had been the one constant in my adult life to this point. But am I ready to move on? Absolutely! I won't forget Stickam or the people I met there, but I am ready to move forward. It was a good four years, but it's time for a new era.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
The Right Fit
Here I am, single as usual, on the fourteenth of February, so it is my obligation to post something on this day. It really isn't a pity party/"woe is me" sort of thing. It's just what I do.
I have recently given more thought to the idea of a future with a significant other than I had in the past. I can't really pinpoint why. Maybe I'm more mature now, with having my own classroom and the stresses that accompany that. Maybe it's because I'm seeing both real life and online friends begin to settle down. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to 30 than to 20. Whatever the reason, there has been a change in my thinking.
I have long made a habit of pursuing people who were really not available. By that I do not mean that I exclusively pursued women who already had significant others. But I did pursue a great many people who either lived a vast distance from me or who were emotionally unavailable (and some women who met both criteria). It was always easier that way. I never had to deal with the daily commitments that a healthy relationship should have, and I had built-in excuses to soften the blow if/when things inevitably did not work out.
Things have changed, though. I'm not really in the market for something hollow, meaningless, or a road leading to nowhere. While I am certainly not saying that I would rule out anything that is long distance (as there are a plethora of lovely women who live outside the borders of Illinois), that is no longer an unconscious prerequisite.
When I say I am ready for something, I am not just ready to pounce on the first interested or interesting thing that crosses my path. I know what I am looking for, and I am willing to ride it out until the right fit comes along. I am content with my life to not need to force anything. I know I still have a long way to go as a person. I still catch myself making some of the same silly mistakes and decisions that my 13 year old self made or would have made. But I'm getting there, and I'm getting ready for that right fit.
I have recently given more thought to the idea of a future with a significant other than I had in the past. I can't really pinpoint why. Maybe I'm more mature now, with having my own classroom and the stresses that accompany that. Maybe it's because I'm seeing both real life and online friends begin to settle down. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to 30 than to 20. Whatever the reason, there has been a change in my thinking.
I have long made a habit of pursuing people who were really not available. By that I do not mean that I exclusively pursued women who already had significant others. But I did pursue a great many people who either lived a vast distance from me or who were emotionally unavailable (and some women who met both criteria). It was always easier that way. I never had to deal with the daily commitments that a healthy relationship should have, and I had built-in excuses to soften the blow if/when things inevitably did not work out.
Things have changed, though. I'm not really in the market for something hollow, meaningless, or a road leading to nowhere. While I am certainly not saying that I would rule out anything that is long distance (as there are a plethora of lovely women who live outside the borders of Illinois), that is no longer an unconscious prerequisite.
When I say I am ready for something, I am not just ready to pounce on the first interested or interesting thing that crosses my path. I know what I am looking for, and I am willing to ride it out until the right fit comes along. I am content with my life to not need to force anything. I know I still have a long way to go as a person. I still catch myself making some of the same silly mistakes and decisions that my 13 year old self made or would have made. But I'm getting there, and I'm getting ready for that right fit.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
2013: Keeping it simple
As 2012 came to a close and 2013 rushed in, I could not get past the idea that I needed to follow up my extremely productive 2012 with an even more impressive and spectacular 2013. I began to rack my brain for grandiose ideas for making 2013 amazing. As I struggled to come up with ideas, I became increasingly frustrated by myself. Then it finally hit me: I am in such a different place in my life than I was a year ago. I am not in this arduous process of becoming who I want to be. I am already there. There are certainly things that I would like to change (namely the idea that I would ultimately like to not be single if and when the right situation presents itself), but I've done all the things I've really wanted to do. I am not looking for wide-scale changes but merely some fine tuning. Therefore, my 2013 To-Do list is short and simple. It is as follows:
1. Make it through each day with just enough in me to make it through the next day.
2. Smile more. Life isn't a joke, but it isn't to be taken seriously ALL the time.
3. Take nothing personally. Even life's most bitter pills can be lessened with a clearer head and a more calculated response.
4. Continue to live purposefully. Life without purpose is pointless.
That's it. It's all I want for 2013, and really, it's all I need.
1. Make it through each day with just enough in me to make it through the next day.
2. Smile more. Life isn't a joke, but it isn't to be taken seriously ALL the time.
3. Take nothing personally. Even life's most bitter pills can be lessened with a clearer head and a more calculated response.
4. Continue to live purposefully. Life without purpose is pointless.
That's it. It's all I want for 2013, and really, it's all I need.
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