On Goals, Part 1: Concerning Goals and Their Difficulty Levels

This is the first of a two-part miniseries concerning the topic of goals.

Most would agree that a life without goals is not much of a life at all. Goals are an absolutely necessary part of life. They keep things fresh and entertaining. They constantly give us something to work and strive for. A life without goals represents a life without growth. Whether or not the goals are ultimately achieved is irrelevant. The point is that it is necessary to push yourself toward something.

Many differ on the level of difficulty of their goals, however. Personally, I have always believed in aiming as high as possible. I hate what I feel are hollow victories. While I am not all that competitive with others, I have been driven by a deeply rooted desire to be the best. I do not say that in terms as crushing any and all opposition. By that I mean that I feel I am letting myself and (the few) others I care about down if I don’t shoot for as high a goal as possible. I absolutely hate what I call “hollow victories”. I believe I am capable of extraordinary things, so I set my goals thusly. I have aimed for the highest grades, the most beautiful women, and transforming myself into a physical and mental specimen in the quickest time possible.

While I have been blessed with success in many of my endeavors over the course of my life (in some instances achieving what many thought to be impossible), I am no stranger to failure. I am very familiar with things not working out, with falling just short, and with my best just being not quite good enough. I would be lying if I told you that each failure did not take something out of me. That said, each failure has refined me in the pursuit of my next goal. Every goal, both those achieved and failed, prepares me for my next goal.

There is a question that needs to be asked concerning goals: How high is too high? Honestly, it depends on the person. Everyone has a different capacity for goal-setting and achieving. Some are almost neurotically driven towards their goals, while others need external catalysts to serve as that metaphorical kick in the pants to push them onward. Some are willing to face failure, while others are crippled in fear simply from the idea of failure. One person’s hollow victory could be another’s great success. Do not compare your goals to the goals of others. Aim as high or as low as you feel, and work towards your goals. At times you may fail, but at others you will succeed. Figure out what you want, then go and get it. Let nothing stand in your way.

On Professional Contentment

As a fan of both the NFL and the NBA, I paid attention to the lockout proceedings that both leagues dealt with this summer and fall. I know many people have many varying opinions on both lockouts, and the purpose of this post is not to argue that. I will say that in both lockouts I sided with the players. I felt the owners were not being entirely reasonable. I also was of the belief that the owners undervalued the drawing power and importance of their players to the league as a whole. Yes, these guys are getting paid millions to play a game that most of us have spent our lives playing (with varying levels of success and skill), but they play at such a high level that their individual and collective skill-sets are integral to the league as a whole. Nobody wants to watch replacement players with skills not unlike what one would find at his or her local rec center or playground (unless that playground is New York’s Rucker Park, of course).

After having said all that, it may come as a surprise to you that I do not feel the same way about strikes in my particular area of expertise: education. There is a significant difference between teacher strikes and strikes in professional sports. Our replacement level talent is as skilled as or even more skilled than what is out there. There are thousands of qualified teachers waiting to get in the game. Due to the economy, those chances simply aren’t as prevalent as they once were. A lot of us are sitting on the sidelines. Some have gotten fortunate enough to stay in the profession as substitute teachers. Others have had to get jobs entirely out of the field. In this day and age, having a full-time job with diminished benefits beats not having a job in your profession 100% of the time.

At this point I want to make something abundantly clear. I am not trying to paint anyone as a greedy moneygrabber. Everyone does what they feel they must due to their own unique circumstances and sets of needs. I just want to bring attention to this from the perspective of someone one the outside looking in.

To those disgruntled with their current employment, as I stated in my Thanksgiving post, the key to happiness is found by wanting what you have and finding contentment with that which is bestowed upon you. Life is rarely perfect. There is no joy in being a malcontent. Find satisfaction in what you have. You are much more fortunate than thousands of others.

I am a firm believer that good things will happen to those who work hard and do the right thing as often as possible. I have found favor in my current job because I have made a concerted effort to work as hard as I can cheerfully and without complaining. Things may not be perfect. They rarely are. Work hard and want what you have. It could be a whole lot worse.

Growing the Beard

Being the absolutely amazing guy that I am, this year I have decided to give a gift to you, my readers. For the next twelve days, I will be providing you with a new piece of writing each day. Some will be lighthearted in scope and delivery, while others will be more serious in nature.

One of my favorite non-social networking websites is TVTropes.org. It’s a fun compilation of common themes found in not only television but also in other forms of entertainment. It gives a detailed description of the trope then provides multiple examples of that trope. Today, one particular trope, “Growing the Beard”, caught my attention.

Named for the marked improvement in quality of Star Trek: The Next Generation after Commander Riker grew a beard, the site defines Growing the Beard as “…the definitive moment when a television show becomes better in quality.” Many (if not most) good television shows have one of these moments, the defining eureka where everything finally clicks.

I thought about this trope and if it applies to people in unscripted life, and I immediately concluded that it does. I decided to delve a little deeper in that train of thought and figure out my “Growing the Beard” moment. What surprised me is that I have had a number of these moments in my life, defining moments that brought me into a successful chapter of my life.

The first “Growing the Beard” moment I had occurred in two parts over a span of five months from late 2002 to early 2003. After I started “Inside the Mind of Jakob Duehr”, I began to come into my own in terms of figuring myself out, but I hadn’t quite put all the pieces together. That happened in March 2003 when I decided to leave Palos Bible Church and return to Stone. I covered that in detail in my apologia, so I will not rehash that here. Those two decisions affected my life in a drastic way.

The next “Growing the Beard” moment occurred over the summer of 2008. When I finally decided to take control over my physical well-being, everything turned around. I felt better, I certainly looked better, and I gained the confidence that had been never been part of my repertoire. It helped me immeasurably during my student teaching, and it brought me into one of the happiest periods of my life.

The final “Growing the Beard” moment, incidentally, occurred when I shaved my beard in July 2011. I was just getting started in my job at Huntington, and I was still pretty beaten down mentally and emotionally from two years of bitter pills. When I shaved the beard and into the facial hair I currently have (and had wanted to grow for many years), I realized that facially I looked like the person I always wanted to be. It restored a very minute amount of my confidence. I then started to act the way I always wanted to act. I became a harder worker. I complained less. I even lost all the weight I had regained and have gotten into the best shape of my life.

I am not delusional enough to believe that my facial hair has a Samson-esque effect on my life and that shaving it would hasten my personal destruction. What I will say is that life has its ebbs and flows, and it is foolish to believe that things can never turn around. Sometimes all it takes is a little something. It could be as easy as growing a beard.

Wanting What I Have (And Being Thankful for It!)

I will be the first to admit that the tone of some of my recent posts was a bit more harsh than what many of you are used to reading from me. If my 9th Grade Health/P.E. teacher, Ms. Tolefree, was reading them, she would likely say that they were full of "cold pricklies". I do not apologize for that. I said what I felt needed to be said at the time. With that said, I feel like taking a much warmer tone in this post.

It both amazes and amuses me that it took an episode of Burn Notice for me to finally come to a realization that I had been nearing for some time but could never quite reach. Though Jeffrey Donovan's line delivery style takes some getting used to and there are more explosions than necessary, it's not a bad little show. But I digress. There was a line that the show's current arch-villain, Anson, said that really stuck to me.

You know what the secret to happiness is? Wanting what you have.

For so long I have walked the fine line between being a settler and a malcontent that I have not taken the time to enjoy what I have. And to be honest, my life really isn't that bad. It is not perfect, but very few ever reach their own personal utopias. Having everything that I ever wanted would not be the best thing for me. I know what I have and I know where I want to be. I've taken steps in the right direction, and I have full confidence that I will continue to do so both in the short-term and in the long term. But this post is not intended to be a Humble-Brag. I want to share a few things that I am thankful for.

In no particular order, I am thankful for the following:

1. Two jobs that not only are in my desired field but also accomplish my career objective of putting kids in a position to succeed. The bad days at work truly are few and far between.
2. Friends that have the same interests as me or at least pretend to in order to create some of my best memories of 2011 (concerts, WWE shows, etc.)
3. Family and friends who put up with me. I could be described as "unique" at best and "difficult" at worst. I realize this, and I am thankful for those willing to take on the challenge of dealing with me.
4. The return of the self-motivation I once lost. I took hold of my physical well-being and got things to where I wanted them to be. The amount of time I spend in the gym has been just as good for my mind as it has been for my body (at least when I'm not harassed about some nonexistent credit card issue).
5. People who live across the continent that have taken a genuine interest in my life and are there to provide encouragement when necessary. One of the perks of living in 2011.
6. Great music to enjoy and share with others. I have some big plans for 2012 concerning my love of good music and the WWE.
7. The ability to use this as both a medium for getting my thoughts and opinions across and as a release so I do not lose my mind. In this year alone, this blog has been read in nearly 50 countries.

There are numerous other things that I could express my gratitude for if pressed. I truly do not live a bad life. I am learning that while I still have goals to reach, there is nothing wrong with wanting the things I have and finding happiness in it. And for that, I am thankful.

On Professional Respect and Adulation

One thing that bothers me about American society is that our society as a whole sets very bizarre and misplaced hierarchies for a number of things. Earlier this year I went to war with those of undeserved celebrity, and I have no desire to regurgitate any of that. I do, however, want to touch on something that has been on my mind for the past month or so.

This post was largely inspired by a comment a close friend of mine made. He was cheering loudly for another friend, and I told him that his cheering was quite spirited. His reply (more or less): “I’ll cheer just as loudly for you when you do something worth cheering for.” That stuck to me.

American society reveres some professions and reviles others. This disturbs me to absolutely no end. We glorify some and turn our collective nose at others. It is ridiculous.

I said I would not beat the dead horse of undeserved celebrity, so I won’t, but I will say that it is absolutely ridiculous that anyone who gets their face on television or their voice on radio suddenly gains instant credibility. Actors, athletes, newscasters, and even reality television stars are absolutely fawned over. The vast majority have done nothing do merit such affection an adulation. They are not your gods, so stop worshiping them.

This next section may get me into hot water, but I am not looking for your agreement; I am merely stating an opinion. I truly believe that the American military gets too much attention. As a country, we put significantly more focus on the exploits of our military than other nations. Some would say it’s due to our immense patriotism, while others would argue that our “patriotism” is nothing more than thinly veiled ethnocentrism. Yes, there are some good things that are done, but most are doing nothing more than following orders, and at this point those orders are to wage war on nations with ideologies that our higher-ups have deemed hostile.

I for one have never understood the near canonization of our troops. We treat them at the level of angels or someone who should be seated at the right hand of the throne of God Himself. Here’s the honest truth, and something people may hate me for saying: They’re doing their jobs. There is no draft. Every single member of the military CHOSE that position for one reason or another. In this economy, it’s not a bad decision by any means. If every businessman was given a party upon their return from an international business trip, the only businesses that would be thriving would be the establishments that are throwing the parties! Some might tell me that they are protecting our freedom. I don’t see it that way. We have not fought a war primarily on our soil since 1865. More appropriately, they are defending an ideology.

Our fallen soldiers are constantly referred to as heroes. I would never intend to downplay any death. I respect the decisions made by those who chose that life. I just wonder what makes them more of a hero than the construction worker who died while fixing a road. His life was sacrificed to protect the safety of those who travel that road. What about the worker who died attempting to fix a downed power line? Why should his efforts be marginalized?

The purpose of this post is not to attack the military or any other profession. It really isn’t. I respect what they do. I once paid $20 for the most poorly crafted pin ever to show my support for the troops. I just don’t think we should exalt any profession over another. Everyone does what they do to get by. Some live a dream while others bite the bullet.

As a substitute teacher, I have seen both sides of the reverence spectrum, depending on which school I was subbing at. At one school I have not always been treated with a great deal of respect. Conversely, at the other school, I am treated like a conquering hero. One of the teachers told me that it is like having a celebrity in the building every time I am there. The students mob me in the halls, and the teachers bend over backwards to make sure everything is in order.

Honestly, I think my reception should be somewhere in the middle. It is nice to be loved, but the teachers are the real heroes there. All I do is teach their lessons.

So what am I trying to get at here? We all have a job. Some of our jobs are glamorous. Others are not. No job should be vilified (within good reason), and no job should be overly revered. Treat the person who cuts your hair or takes your order at Steak ‘n’ Shake with the same respect as you would your favorite celebrity. Give substitute teachers, paraprofessionals, janitors, cafeteria staff, and full time teachers equal amounts of appreciation for the jobs they do. Always be grateful for the work others do, most of which goes unnoticed. Professional respect and adulation should not have any strings attached. We all have a job to do, and most of us do our best to make it work. We all deserve to be noticed.

The Fleeting Nature of Success

I haven't written for a while, largely because I was displeased with the quality of my last piece and wanted to preserve the quality of this blog. Hopefully this piece is more coherent and less disjointed.

To say that it has been an interesting month would be an understatement. I would go so far as to say the last three years have been "interesting", so to speak. In this case, "interesting" is probably most synonymous with "unexpected". Things have not gone as I had foreseen at all. I don't think there is a singular aspect of my life that even remotely resembles my vision for my life from 10, 5, or 3 years ago.

Part of that can be attributed to the fact that for far too long I have tried to meticulously plan the details of my life well in advance. As my friend Dan said last week at dinner, "I don't think you've fallen behind the curve as much as you have always planned so far in advance and set extremely high goals for yourself." Another part can be attributed to the fact that I could not see my future or the variables over which I had no control. The final part, however, is entirely my responsibility.

At some point in time, I stopped being successful (at least "successful" at the level to which I had grown to expect from myself). This post is not meant to be a "HumbleBrag" in the slightest, by the way. For the first twenty-one years of my life, I set lofty goals and generally achieved them. I got exceptional grades in school and in my student teaching experience. I accomplished goals in both basketball and tae kwon do that many did not believe I could achieve. I lost over 25% of my body weight in four months. Success to that degree is not particularly common.

Unfortunately, my high degree of success began to disappear once I got my bachelor's degree. In a short amount of time I went from being on top of my world to wanting to crawl in a hole and hide. Multiple discouragements hit, and complacency sunk in. Life becomes difficult when your confidence is shaken. I entered into a slow but steady downward spiral. The successes began to disappear. I went from believing I would to doubting I even could.

I hit a low point this week when I stepped on the scale for the first time in over a year. I knew I had put on a little weight, but I was horrified to find out that I had put back on over half the weight I had lost. I worked so hard to achieve a goal, and I got to a point where I rested on that success instead of working to maintain it.

So what have I learned? Success is not permanent. It is more than a mountain to be climbed. Once goals are achieved, work must be done to maintain the success. It never ends. In some cases, new goals need to be set. I know I will drop the 22 pounds I want to shed (at this point, I've already dropped 4 pounds). For me, the quickest way to get to the top of my world is to continually push myself to be better. I miss the view from the top. I'll be back there soon.

It's Time for War, Pt. 10: Jakob vs. Expectation

This is part of a ten part series in which I “go to war” against a thing or group. Some of these posts are to be taken seriously; others are not. It is up to you, the reader, to differentiate between the two.

After four and a half months, this series is finally coming to a close. I knew from the beginning of the series that I was going to end with a piece on expectation, but I delayed the writing of said piece until I had the proper amount of inspiration for it.

For sake of this piece, I feel it necessary to delineate expectation from standards. There is nothing wrong with setting standards, or desired results for a person or group to achieve in a specific situation. I would never tell any of you to stop setting standards. I even wrote a piece on the fine line between being a settler and being a malcontent. Go check it out when you’re done with this piece.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, expectation is an unruly beast. Whether we intend to or not, we bestow expectations on most everything: our behavior, others’ behaviors, how enjoyable a situation or event will be, and even the goings-on of that event or situation. Before anything happens, we inevitably play out a myriad of scenarios in our minds. We are often so consumed by our expectations of something that it completely ruins the experience for us. Instead of living in the moment, we internally choreograph the moment. It never works.

I have spent way too much time talking about my Florida trip, so I will not pile page upon redundant page on you. Let me state, however, that everything that happened to me was awful, but it would not have been as awful had I not placed unfair expectations on the trip. I planned to go to Florida and win a girl’s heart. Never mind that we had spent the greater part of the last month fighting. Never mind that she’s a bit of a flake. I burdened myself and the trip with lofty objectives and failed miserably.

Since that debacle, I have had the opportunity to meet a number of internet friends. I have clicked with some better than others. In hindsight, I realized that the best experiences were the ones in which I placed no expectations on the event. Taking the time to simply enjoy the company of a friend is far better than any dream scenario I could cook up.

This past week I got the chance to finally meet a young woman who I pursued (and failed miserably with) at this time in 2010. If I would’ve met her last year, I would have been burdened with all sorts of expectations for myself, for her, and for the experience and would not have enjoyed myself because I would have been a nervous wreck. Because I went into seeing her with no expectations, I had a great time, and that time spent with her lives on in my heart and mind as one of my finest memories.

It should come as no surprise that the best experience I had at camp was in 2004, when my expectations were at an all time low. On the other hand, my expectations were so high for my last year of camp (2005) that the week failed to even be enjoyable in the slightest. Expectation influences enjoyability.

I do my best work in life in the absence of expectation. If I create expectations (not standards) for myself, there is an increased potential for me to cave under the pressure. If others bestow expectations on me (and verbalize them), being the pain in the rear that I am, I do not respond favorably. I know that others have not appreciated the expectations I have heaped upon them.

I write all of this because I not only have gone to war with expectation, but I also refuse to believe in it. Setting standards are good, but setting expectations are not. There is nothing wrong with hoping for a desired result. We have our wants, and we should not deprive ourselves of such. To expect our hopes to come to fruition is naïve at best and delusional at worst. Reality rarely mirrors imagination – and that is not a bad thing. We are so desire-centric that we often fail to look at things appropriately. What is supposed to be will be. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy experiences for what they are. Live life with an abundance of hope and an absence of expectation.

Living Life by the Rules

Sorry for the slight delay between posts. My apologia was rather lengthy, and after something as honest and emotionally charged as it was, I was burned out. That said, I am just as excited about being able to present this post to you, because it is one I have wanted to write for two years.

Many of you know that my favorite television show is NCIS. In that show, the lead character, Agent Gibbs, has a list of fifty rules which he lives by and expects his team members to follow. I was particularly fascinated by that concept and began internally compiling my own list of rules. I have kept most of them in my head over that course of time but thought it was time to write them down and share with all of you. After learning so much about me in the last post, I feel that this post goes hand in hand with the apologia. Enjoy.

1. Respect all. Like some. Trust few.
2. If something happens once, it MAY happen twice. If it happens twice, it WILL happen a third time.
3. Always have a reason for doing what you do. Have multiple reasons whenever you can.
4. Never let milestones become millstones. Don’t focus so much on the end result to the point you despise the journey.
5. Desire determines destiny. If you want something, go and get it.
6. What someone has to say is more important than the hair or piercings on their face, the amount of tattoos they have, or what they are wearing when they say it.
7. Bring your A-Game at all times. There is no substitute.
8. Sometimes, you’re wrong. Admit it and move on.
9. Never allow yourself more than 48 hours to be upset about any one situation. Two days is ample time to recover.
10. Keep your enemies at a manageable number. If you happen to make a new enemy, do everything you can to resolve things with another enemy.
11. Whatever you do, do not mess up the first impression you make on anyone. It cannot be undone.
12. Do not worry about the chapters of others’ lives that you are not in. The only thing that can come of it is unnecessary stress.
13. Forgive immediately, but be wary in terms of rebuilding trust.
14. Go out of your way to treat others well. It does not guarantee that they will treat you well, but they will think twice about treating you badly.
15. Choose your words carefully. The fewer you use, the more weight they carry.
16. In whatever you do, seek balance.
17. Never be content in settling.
18. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and the ones you’re unsure of closest of all.
19. Be of sound body and mind.
20. Be transparent and honest about the things that don’t matter. If you do that, others will respect your privacy on the things that do.
21. Everything is better with music.
22. Anything without purpose is pointless.
23. Reality is the mean average of the sum of all perception. Remember that 1000 people can see the same thing 1000 different ways, and none of them could be completely correct.
24. It is always better to know than to wonder “What if?”
25. Things happen. Adapt accordingly.
26. The fewer people you involve in an issue the better.
27. Use decorum appropriate to your surroundings. That is not compromising yourself; that is being smart.
28. Questioning what you are told is not rebellion. It is doing your due diligence.
29. Never ignore past lessons. Anything from the present can be related to something from the past.
30. Time nudges open some of the doors we thought were closed for good.
31. Avoid burning bridges. It is easier to cross a bridge than to rebuild one.
32. Accept every bitter pill with grace and humility.
33. Be sharpened by your successes and refined by your failures.
34. If you think something is over, it usually is not.
35. Never forget those who helped you get from where you were to where you are.
36. The worst sort of opinion is an unsolicited one.
37. The concepts of good and evil are sometimes easier to grasp when viewed as ends and not means. It allows for more wiggle room.
38. Knowing your enemy is important, but most of all, know yourself.
39. Being “nice” can lead to harder feelings in the long term than being honest.
40. It is better to deal with people with a finesse approach rather than a power approach.
41. What is supposed to be, will be.
42. The best help you can give to another is to help in preventing them from making the same mistakes you once made.
43. Be cognizant of both your strengths and your weaknesses.
44. Just has you have changed over time, so have others. Give them the same chances you deserve from others.
45. In a matchup of natural vs. contrived, natural wins 100% of the time.
46. Believe most of what you see, some of what you hear, and very little that you encounter over the internet.
47. Know where you are and where you want to be. Once you have that figured out, map a route to getting to where you want to be. Enlist the services of anyone who can be of aid.
48. Attention one draws to oneself can never compare to deserved attention showered upon them by others.
49. Sometimes, you have to wait.
50. Be who you are. Do what you do. Accept that some will not like it. Smile and keep going.

Jakob Duehr: An Apologia

Before I get started, a few notes. First of all, this will be a lengthy piece, possibly the lengthiest piece I have written for this blog. You may have to read it in a couple sittings. Because of that, I have it broken into three parts. Also, do not let the title fool you. I am not apologizing for who I am. In general, I like what I see staring back at me in the mirror. I am simply providing a detailed explanation of some of the people and events that have brought me to this point in my life. Finally, this piece will have a fair share of namedropping. Those who have brought forth positive results in my life deserve to be acknowledged. Those who have gone out of their way to be a hindrance do not deserve mention. Situations will be detailed, but names will not. I am not here to slander. I am here to better express to you why I am who I am.

INTRODUCTION

I have claimed many times that we are the products of the long line of choices we have made for ourselves over the course of our lives. I do not waver from this claim. I am sharpened by my successes and refined by my failures. That said, there are factors other than choices that cause us to be the people we ultimately become. While I am certainly my own man and a bit of a free spirit (and that is putting it nicely), I would be wrong if I said I became this way solely on my own. Behind everything there is a reason, and I fully intend to explain the reasons why I am who I am.

I could probably write pages about my family, but I won’t. Everyone is influenced strongly by their familial background, and I am no exception. I come from a relatively small, tightly knit family. I get along with them, and there are aspects of their personalities I also see in myself. Because everyone is so strongly influenced by those they share a last name with, I will instead choose to detail the other people, situations, and events that have caused me to become the person I have become.

My family has played a great role in helping to shape me, and I would like to believe they have done an exceptional job in the shaping process. However, they are not the only people to play that shaping role. In my adolescent years, there were three men not related to me who I considered mentors to me: Rob Clifton (my sixth and eighth grade teacher) and my two youth pastors, Doug Harris and Scott Bradley. Each will be discussed in greater detail later in the piece.

PART 1: Interpersonal relationships

At times I have been called standoffish. While I do not consider that notion entirely fair, I concede that I do not possess the greatest sense of urgency in making friends. I was spoiled growing up in the sense that I grew up with a group of friends who meshed perfectly with one another. I have had the same core group of friends for the majority of my life. Each of us brought something different to the table. Rob possesses a savvy when it comes to machines, and Rex possesses a keen insight concerning people. Merrill and Dan both have wide skill sets but very different ways of going about things. While not necessarily demanding the spotlight, Merrill is very much at ease in it. Dan, on the other hand, thrives outside the spotlight. I probably fit in somewhere between all of them. We have spent countless hours together at school, home, church, camp, and elsewhere. Though the times we see one another have greatly diminished over the years (especially as some of us began to move away), our friendships have not suffered as a result. Because of them, I have never found a group of people that compares. Though I am generally friendly, I have not felt the need to expand my core group of friends.

I have also been called something of a lone wolf. I honestly do not mind that assessment. I am very comfortable by myself. I understand myself. There is a reason for it. I have spent a significant portion of my life feeling like an outsider. There were places where people both explicitly and implicitly demonstrated that I did not belong in their little cliques.

Unfortunately, the most glaring instances of such behavior occurred at church. While I truly can look back on my years spent at Stone Church positively (even though there were some people I truly wish I had never met, much less spent any amount of time with), I cannot say the same for my experiences at Christian Hills and Palos Bible Church.

I attended Christian Hills from 1995 to 2000, and the greater part of those five years was spent uncomfortably. No sooner had I started attending the church than I realized that people were extremely unfriendly. I admit that I wasn’t the coolest kid in the world growing up, but their behavior was inexcusable. It wasn’t until I met other “outcasts” that I truly felt that I had a place, and it was far from a comfortable place. I never truly fit in, and I could not have been happier when we left the church to return to Stone in 2000.

If you thought my account of Christian Hills was too negative, you will certainly want to skip this section. I spent my adolescent years as part of two youth groups: the youth group at Stone (2000; 2003-2005) and the youth group at Palos Bible Church (2000; 2001-2003). It was a small church and an even smaller youth group. In three years I never shook off the feeling of an outsider. There were problems the entire time that I could never overcome. First, I felt overmatched from the start, as I was the youngest guy in the youth group, a status that never changed in the course of my entire tenure. Second, being the awkward adolescent that I was (and certainly not one to demand the spotlight), I never thrust myself into focus or attempted to make myself the center of attention. Because the youth group was infested with the spotlight cravers, I never moved past the periphery. Finally, my motives for being part of the youth group were not right. I was there because I had a romantic interest in two girls in the youth group (which, again, I will detail later). I never had a chance with them, which only compounded my issues.

The fact that some of those people took pride in their involvement in the youth group was a joke. They would show up more than thirty minutes late to service, double park their cars, and create a commotion to signal their arrivals and departures. Poor Pastor Scott had to be flexible to accommodate a growing majority of selfish individuals who played by their own rules and demonstrated a total disregard for anything not involving themselves.

I am not trying to say or even imply that everyone in that youth group was the scum of the earth. I really am not. There were some good people in the youth group. Unfortunately, the majority of good people were the youth workers and not the students themselves. I always thought things would get better, so I grinned and bore it for years.

One night, I finally reached my breaking point at a Lock-In in March 2003. I brought my cousin Andy and one of my best friends from high school because I wanted to show them how cool my youth group was. Do you really want to know how cool they were? They were cool enough to slam a door in our faces. They were cool enough to tell my invited guests that they didn’t belong. If people would treat complete strangers like garbage simply because they were extensions of me, then how in the world did they feel about me? I was pretty sure I had my answer. I left the youth group that day.

I made the stupid mistake of returning to that youth group on New Year’s Day 2007 to play football at the church. In case I had forgotten I didn’t belong, they made sure to remind me. Mind you, I am decently athletic. I played basketball competitively, am tall, and can catch a football fairly well. I was the last one picked. I was picked after girls (and I’m not saying that to be sexist). I was picked after people with casts on their arms. Thank you OH SO MUCH for making me feel welcome, guys.

I am not writing this because I am bitter, pathetic, and stuck in the past. I am refined by that failure. Am I a little bitter? Sure. Who likes it when people go out of their way to make them feel unwanted? I certainly do not. Am I still angry about it? No. I feel badly that I willingly chose to endure such things, but it is what it is. It is why I am who I am today. I learned not to care about what others thought and to become comfortable in my own skin. Did it turn me into a loner at times? Yes, but there are far worse things than that.

Though I undoubtedly failed to rise above the ranks of outsider at both of those churches, my time spent at Tinley Park High School was ultimately a success story. Don’t get me wrong. My freshman year (and parts of junior and senior years) was miserable. There were days when I was absolutely terrified to go to school, but I got up every morning and played with the hands that were dealt me. Though the problems that befell me during the end of my high school career were of my own doing, that which I endured my freshman year was not. People mistook quietness for standoffishness and a sense of superiority, and some were determined to put me in my place. Little did they know I was already there. Over time I developed the confidence in myself to not only deal with them but present myself in a positive light, and I can honestly say I enjoyed my high school experience. While I was not as friendly as I could have and probably should have been, I learned how to stand up for myself and live life assertively.

I would be remiss if I did not mention the friends I have made that I have not yet had the privilege of meeting face to face. One of the blessings (or curses, depending on how you look at it) of living in the 21st Century is the variety of outlets for interpersonal relationships. I have already talked about my core group of friends. I have also been blessed with developing a core group of online friends.
Approximately 99% of my online friends have either come from GameFAQs or Stickam, and there are two people I have to thank for 90% of the online friends I have: Jess and Bre. I met Jess on a message board in early 2004. Because of how well she treated me, I stuck around the message board, and in doing so I met some of my favorite people in the world (Ken, Kelly, Janny, Manda, Zach, to name a few). Thanks to some of them, I found another message board and met another batch of great people. I stumbled into Bre’s Stickam live in January 2010. We hit it off, and because of that I decided to come back. Eventually, I met E~! and hit it off even further, and because of those connections, I met countless other people. While I’d be lying if I said I liked everyone, it is nice to have a community of people where I can be myself and use others as a sounding board for my life. Jess and Bre, thank you. You were better to me than anyone in those churches ever were.

Is online communication ideal? Certainly not. Do I overuse it? Probably. Those things said, I would not trade those people for anything. I feel fortunate to have met a handful of them in real life and hope to meet more over time. Due to my affection for my close friends and the bitter taste in my mouth from previous attempts, I am more apt to seek out new friends online than in person. I feel less judgment occurs there.

PART 2: Romantic Relationships

Hopefully by now you realize why I am the way I am when it comes to interpersonal relationships of the platonic variety. Now you will have the “privilege” of discovering the answer to that question on a romantic level.

As I said earlier, I have been sharpened by my successes and refined by my failures. In the romantic realm, there has a been a lot more refining than sharpening.

If you are a girl whom I have been interested in, first of all, sorry. Secondly, you may have noticed (especially between 2001 and 2009) that I did not like making phone calls. While I now have a built in excuse for my lack of making phone calls since moving back to Tinley in 2009, my excuse before was far more embarrassing.

When I was 13, I had my first real crush. She was an amazing young woman and a saint for putting up with me. I was socially inept. When I heard that there was some mystery “other guy”, I thought that the best way of “getting her back” was repeatedly calling her house and hanging up. It was stupid, creepy, and unacceptable. After about the 50th time I did that, her mom called my house. I was caught and embarrassed. It’s something to laugh about now (and Becky and Rachel still never let me forget it), but at the time it was merely a demonstration of my ineptitude. I am eternally indebted to the Jacksons for never truly holding it against me.

I wish I could say that was the dumbest of dumb things that I did concerning romantic interests, but it was merely the first offense in a long line of erratic behavior. I never possessed the confidence necessary to pursue the people that I wanted to pursue, and that distinct lack of confidence led to disastrous results. In 2002, I tried to get the attention of a girl named Jessica by gently bumping into her as I walked past, but my “bump” turned into more of a shove and sent her flying. The fact that we still talk to this day is a miracle.

I had a brief reprieve from this behavior in early 2003 when I had a long-distance relationship with a girl named Mollie. In a pre-Skype world, distance was unbearable, and a split was inevitable. It was a very amicable split, and we both moved on very quickly.

Do you remember when I said that the problems my junior and senior years of high school were my own fault? They were the direct result of my own lack of confidence and romantic ineptitude. Long story short, I have a habit of digging holes for myself and not quitting while I was behind. I have still yet to learn that some things just cannot be salvaged. There are people who still hate me for things that happened eight years ago. My lack of confidence manifested itself as creepiness.

By this point, some of you may wonder what some of these narratives have to do with why I am the way I am. First of all, experiences shape the man. But for those of you who still remain skeptical, I will be more obvious in my explanations in this section.

One of the first questions girls ask me after meeting me (and strangely becoming enamored of me) is “Why in the world are you single?” That question really does not merit a simple answer, but I will do my best to do so in two parts.

I have been a pursuer more than a dater to the point that I don’t know how good of a dater I really am. I have resigned myself to very lengthy pursuits that were ultimately fruitless. I spent five years pursuing one young woman. For the majority of the pursuit, she was in an on-again/off-again relationship, and it wasn’t my place to aggressively seek to break that up. As much as she cared about me, she cared about him more. She was a great girl and I still think the world of her. I just didn’t know when to give up. 2002 became 2007 and I hadn’t gotten anywhere. Were it not for a major event in her life, I probably would’ve pursued her past 2007.

While five years is a ridiculously long pursuit and by far the longest pursuit I had, I mired myself in other long pursuits as well. I have never been good at realizing the point when the figurative towel should be thrown. I don’t like starting something new before finishing something else, and that is one of the reasons why I spent more time single than I needed to.

I do not intend to badmouth any of the young women that I have dated, pursued, or anything in between over the years. Some of them were simply a bad fit. With some, I was able to find that out more quickly than others. Without naming names, let’s take a look at my last four lengthy pursuits/relationships.

Pursuit #1: I actually tried to do things the right way in this case. I became friends first and then eventually tried to push things in the relationship direction. I had two things going against me. First, I was far too aggressive with my pursuit. Secondly, she was not attracted to me whatsoever. The second challenge was one of the greatest things to ever happen to me. For a long time I wanted to get myself in shape, but I lacked a catalyst to get me going in the right direction. Thanks to her, I finally had that catalyst. I got my body and health back, but more importantly, I had confidence for the first time in my life. Things did not work out with her, but we were able to reestablish and build a friendship that was stronger than it was before I ever pursued her. Thank you, Stay-C.

Pursuit #2: I finally looked good and felt good, and I was starting to turn some heads. I decided to take interest in the first attractive head that turned in my direction. I learned a valuable lesson here. Some things should not happen under any circumstances. Just because you are attracted to someone does not mean that you should have any interest in them. She was a great person, but not someone I should have thought about dating. Ever.

Pursuit #3: After Pursuit #2, I instituted a self-imposed moratorium on any romantic things for about a month. The day the moratorium was lifted, I met a girl online. She was intelligent, quirky, and attractive, and we hit it off. Buoyed by the success persistence gave me in losing weight, I thought that persistence would result in success in pursuing her as well. Though I had confidence, I also overdid things, which slowed the pursuit significantly. Over time, she and I both realized we were like mixing oil and water. Fights became much more frequent than productive conversation, but that did not stop me from going to Florida to see her. You can read all about that trip in another post. For purposes of this, all you need to know is that she stood me up and later told me that she would stand me up again if I ever returned to Florida. We get along surprisingly well these days.

Pursuit #4: I can say with certainty that I have never cared about anyone more than I cared about her to that point in time. She and I clicked so well. I could say something and expect her response – and be right 90% of the time! We were great, but there was one major problem. I fully believed we were the right fit, but the timing was off..

So what do these things have to do with me and how I am? Pursuit #1 led to me the end of a 21 year quest for confidence. Pursuits 2-4 have caused me to be more careful with my heart, to not fall so easily, and to think twice about who I pursue. Even though someone is a great person, it does not mean that the person is great for me. I have been hesitant to pursue anything deep and meaningful because I want to learn from my mistakes and do not want to repeat any of those mistakes under any circumstances whatsoever.

PART 3: Mentors, Work, and Other Influences

I am a product of my choices, successes and failures, life experiences, and the guidance of those I have decided to listen to. As stated in the introduction, there are three men who influenced me more than anyone else not related to me.

I went to a small private school for my elementary and middle schooling. Some of my social ineptitude can be directly traced to the Stone Church Christian Academy. I detailed my experiences there in another post, so I will not waste any more time and space doing so. My favorite teacher (and the teacher who really got me interested in the profession) was a man by the name of Rob Clifton. He was the first male teacher I ever had and was closer to our age than any teacher we have ever had at that point. He knew how to connect with us, and he had a sensitivity and patience in dealing with us that made me feel at ease. When I deal with middle school students, I often try to channel Mr. Clifton and give those kids the same experience that I was blessed with as a middle school student.

As awful as my experiences were at Palos Bible Church, I kept on going because of Pastor Scott Bradley. He is without a doubt the kindest pastor I have ever met. He would take the time out of his schedule to make it to everyone’s extracurricular events because he truly cared. He took me out to lunch a few times when he could tell I was having difficulties with the youth group. He even took me out to lunch on his own birthday! I never forgot that, and I never held any of my enmity with the youth group against him. He was and still is one of my favorite people in the world.

Doug Harris was (and still is) an acquired taste. When I met him as a junior high student, I couldn’t stand him. I didn’t understand his caustic humor. I thought all pastors should fit the Scott Bradley mold. When I got a little older, I really started to appreciate him. I realized that he truly cared about all of us and did a stand-up job balancing all the personalities in our youth group (mine included). Thanks to him, I realized you can have fun with people and still be a nice guy. My students can blame Doug for my sarcasm.

There are other people who have played the mentor role in my life, and I am thankful for them as well. If you are looking for people to thank (or blame), look no further than the following people:

Peter Morgan, for being a great youth leader and a better friend
John Pfeffer, for helping to water the educational seed planted by Rob Clifton and making me want to be a social studies teacher
Gary Sliker, for being patient with me even when I’d spend hours and hours harping on the same thing. I try to follow your model when mentoring Anthony. I guess it’s my way of paying back.
Shannon Turman, for providing encouragement and guidance at a time I truly needed it and for preparing me for a great time of transition in my life
Kenneth Diaz, for being my best online friend for years and not hesitating to tell me when I’m moving in the wrong direction
I learned early on that I needed to be more than just “Jakob” in the classroom. I’m fine with being Jakob, but I am more of an unassuming, out of the spotlight kind of person. As a result, I morphed into “Mr. D.” (shout out to Jim Nowak for being the first to call me that). Unlike Jakob, Mr. D. doesn’t mind telling stories, talking your ear off, and commanding attention. As a huge fan of WWE and other television shows, I draw on some of my interests to help enhance my personality. Mr. D. is probably one part Dr. House, two parts CM Punk, and one part Tony DiNozzo. As a teacher, especially a temporary one, there has to be something about you to draw the students in. Therefore, I amp up the more boisterous parts of my personality to capture the attention of my students. That is the secret of Mr. D.

CLOSING

If you read this all the way through, I hope you truly have an enhanced understanding of me. I am the sum total of many things. While I am not fully the person I intend to be, I am content with the person I am at this point in time. I thank everyone who has had a hand in it, for without you, I would be somebody else.

The Graduate is dead. Long live The Graduate!

If you know me, have talked to me online or in person, or have read my blog at all over the past year, you know of my love for a band called The Graduate. Often confused for the Dustin Hoffman movie, these five guys (not the burger joint) earned every bit of the praise I have heaped upon them and more. I wrote them an open letter back in December and mentioned them in a handful of other posts. Simply put, they’re amazing.

On Friday I got the sad news that my favorite band made the decision to join some of my other favorite bands (such as Just Surrender and A Change of Pace) and enter the realm of “indefinite hiatus”. While I was certainly displeased when I heard that the other bands decided to take an indefinite hiatus, it absolutely floored me when I read Corey’s announcement. I know they didn’t always have the easiest go of it, but it wasn’t something I saw coming.

Since this is my blog and I can take this post in any direction I please, I am not going to make this another open letter. What I have left to say to the guys I'll say privately. I do, however, have some thoughts, both broad and specific.

If there is one thing I have learned in the past two and a half years, it is that life does not resemble a meritocracy in any way. It is always the right thing to do your best, work your hardest, and give it your all, but that unfortunately does not mean that the same amount of success will follow. The most talented do not always get what they deserve. It is unfair, but it is a sad reality. In an era of autotune, internet celebrities, and Bieber Fever, genuine ability can slip through the cracks, and in this case, it did.

In our lives, we surround ourselves with that which we find pleasurable. From our friends to our interests, our lives are meticulously self-crafted to create the most comfortable experience within the realm of reason. We are constantly looking for people and things to put a smile on our faces. It is not selfish; it is merely human. When one of those things are taken away from us (no matter how small or trivial they may seem), we lose a little bit of ourselves. Whether it’s a friend moving, a show getting cancelled, or a band breaking up, it’s never fun to lose something we enjoy. That said, we move forward without forgetting. As long as there’s a memory, something is never gone.

The Graduate put many of my thoughts to music. While I am fairly apt at expressing myself (as evidenced by the 100+ posts I have on this blog), they were able to express things in an entirely different medium. While I do not know if this is indeed it for them, I will miss them for now. But as long as I have ears, I won’t stop listening to them. Long live The Graduate!