Backwards

"Forward motion is harder than it sounds... Every time I gain some ground I gotta turn myself around again."

-Relient K

Last Friday I had the pleasure of once again seeing my favorite band (The Graduate) in concert. Unlike last concert, I had to spend nearly three hours traveling to get there. Instead of the random Illinois ski lodge where we went for the last show, this was on the campus of Millikin University in Decatur. Once I got past the pervasive stench of soy, I really enjoyed myself, and it really was the show of a lifetime. Those guys ALWAYS bring it. However, that is not what this post is about.

As I was standing there surrounded by college kids, I thought about how awesome of a 19 year old I act these days. There’s only one problem: I am merely days from my 24th birthday. I came to the startling conclusion that I have more or less lived the last five years backwards.

Let’s rewind to 2006. Going into my 19th birthday, I probably acted more like a 24 or 25 year old. I was a very serious person. I was extremely diligent in my studies. I went to bed early and got up early. I hardly watched any television. I dressed professionally. Even the music I listened to was (mostly) different. I had a good perspective on life (that was largely grounded due to the loss of my friend Katie). The only thing I really did not have going for me was any sort of effort to maintain nutrition and exercise.

Oddly enough, when I decided to get my physical well-being order, the other things started to slip. Unlike the change in my physical appearance, which in hindsight was very rapid, my maturity regression happened over the course of time. After I completed student teaching, I was devoid of a mandatory daily grind for the first time in my life. I would be lying if I said that wasn’t one of the worst things that happened to me in my life. Life becomes much less enjoyable when there is no purpose, and substituting personal needs in place of true purpose always fails.

So, in the course of five years I transitioned from the early to bed/early to rise, Hollister wearing, serious bookworm to a big goof who watches all sorts of television, stays up much too late, lacks a sense of urgency, and dresses like he’s in a rock band. Don’t get me wrong. This is not a self-loathing piece. A great number of the changes I have made in myself I actually like very much. I cannot and should not be who I was five years ago. However, the current version of Jakob Duehr isn’t exactly cutting it, either. For someone who preaches balance and progress as much as I have over time, I have set a very poor example. Don’t worry… I’ll figure it out.

Just Another Day

It has become a bit of a tradition to me to (virtually) parade out on the fourteenth of February to whine and moan about a certain holiday that occurs on that day. While those entries have ranged from humorous and self-effacing to borderline pathetic, this year is (hopefully) going to be different.

It has taken me almost 24 years (and almost as many failed pursuits/relationships) to realize this truly is just another day. Across the internet I see the majority of people generally falling into one of two major camps. There are the love struck, who think every day and everything about their significant other is the GREATEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVER~! The other group is the polar opposite of this group. They bitterly look upon this day with a sense of disdain and loathe the smitten saps. I have something to say to both groups.

First, to the bitter masses, I have been one of you. That said, if there is one thing that I have learned in the past year, bitterness is not productive. Let the dogs have their day. That’s all it is: one day. If you are unhappy with your singularity, take solace in your refusal to settle. Quite often, that which we desire is not readily available to us. Sometimes it takes work. Other times, it takes openness and being in the right place at the right time. Just stop being bitter.

To the “smitten saps” (and I say that with the utmost love, of course), enjoy what you have. Cherish what you have. Soak it all in. Please, take two pieces of advice from me. One, enjoy what you have without rubbing it in the faces of the have-nots. As I wrote in a piece a year ago, there is a dignified way to deal with one’s successes. Be cognizant of your own actions, and do your best not to make others uncomfortable or hurt. Second, enjoy what you have for as long as you have it. Sadly, not all love lasts forever. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t truly love; some love merely has a longer shelf life than others. Enjoy every moment you do have like it could all be gone in the morning.

In closing, I’d like to get back to myself a little. While a year ago at this time I thought I would have a significant other on February 14, 2011, that is not the case. It does not bother me because at this point it is not something I need. If it did not bother me on February 13 (and it didn’t), then there is no reason to be bothered on February 14. To those who make this day a big deal, I hope you have the greatest of days. To me, it’s just another day.

On the Docket: 2011

I am still dealing with an extremely nasty cold, so this will be quick. I like having a set of goals at the beginning of each year to attempt to complete over the course of the year. In 2009 and 2010 I put a lot on my plate. Some of it I completed; some I did not. This year will be a much more simple set of goals. They are as follows.

1. Complete all the previous year's goals I have not yet completed. Refer to the "Unprepared to Succeed" blog to look at those.

2. Establish a daily routine for myself. I perform better when I have a set way of doing things.

3. See as many of my Facebook friends as possible. No sense having "friends" in name only.

2010 in Review

Quite honestly, 2010 has been the most challenging year of my life. I thought last year was bad, but last year mostly seemed bad because of the letdown after such a strong start to the year and the fact that I had very lofty expectations for the year. I never thought there would be a year worse than 2005, but there was. The whole year has felt entirely Sisyphean to the point that a lot of the months started to run together. I apologize in advance if my month-by-month rundown seems lacking. In this post I am making a concerted effort not to dwell on the negative and accentuate the positives of 2010.

January: I realized the year was going to be difficult almost as soon as it started. I had some of my most challenging experiences as a sub during this month and started my American Lit. class at GSU. The highlight of the month was a job fair in Rosemont.

February: A cold and relatively uneventful month. I began to like that class, as the professor was great and some of my classmates were highly entertaining and amusing.

March: While I was unfortunately unable to go to Phoenix for WrestleMania XXVI (and to meet up with Jessica) as I had planned, I was able to watch the event for free with my Uncle Jerry and Aunt Lisa. I was also able to see my old buddy Hoover for the first time in five years.

April: Had a great birthday/Easter. Got to hear from a lot of people. Did a lot of subbing at High Point with a great group of kids that I really loved. Also, I finished the literature class and got an endorsement in middle school Language Arts.

May: The highlight of the month was going down to Champaign to see my cousin Andy graduate. The food afterward was interesting to say the least, but it was a fun day with a fun guy.

June: Launched HireJakobDuehr.com, which got me a decent amount of attention in the Illinois educational community for a short amount of time but unfortunately did not net me any full time position.

July: Spending the 4th of July in Michigan was a nice change from the norm. Swimming at my grandparents’ pool brought back good memories of my childhood.

August: The end of the summer proved frustrating, as I was once again without a full time job. Meeting up with a friend in Oak Brook was fun, but it was a rather unmemorable month on the whole.

September: I unexpectedly had to take a road trip to North Carolina. It was not one of the finer times of my life, but I once again proved my resolve by driving the entire trip straight through by myself, only stopping for gas three times and one bathroom break. At the end of the month I had the opportunity to meet WWE’s Chris Jericho as well as some other neat people at an autograph signing in Chicago Ridge.

October: By far the best moment of the month was seeing The Graduate in concert with Dan. The venue was certainly odd and off the beaten path, but it was a great night full of great music.

November: I was able to have some good work experiences and had the opportunity to go back to TPHS to see a competitive football team for the first time in years. I also grew a pretty awesome beard, which lasted until an unfortunate accident right before Christmas.

December: As usual, the year ended on a good note. It has gotten to the point that the best part of the holiday season is the opportunity to see my closest friends. Most of them have moved far away from me, and the chances to see them are fewer and farther between. Christmas was enjoyable as well.

This year failed to meet my expectations. Some mornings it was a struggle to even get out of bed. Though a lot of things were outside my control, I failed in a lot of ways. I need to regain the focus and sense of self I had from mid-2008 to early 2009. Success is not impossible, but it requires taking the brass rings. They are not simply given. On the bright side, I was able to meet a lot of new people (mostly a lot of Stickammers that it would take forever to name them all) as well as renew acquaintances with old friends (the Huntleys, etc.). I do not know what is to come in 2011. I do know that things are going to change, and hopefully, they will change for the better. There is nowhere to go but up.

Apparently Unprepared to Succeed

As far as my goals for 2010 went, it was a mixed bag. There were some successes, but as far as the greatest goals, there were a lot of failures. Here’s a rundown.

Physical Goals
-Get an abdominal six-pack. Were it not been for my own lack of drive I would already have been there. *FAILED*
-Continue in the workout I’ve established for myself. My original beginner’s workout brought me a long way, but it is time to take it to the next level. I feel and look like a winner at this point, but I want to feel and look like a champion. *Completed*
-333 push-ups in one sitting. Like my crunches goal, some would think this is ridiculous, but I don’t like aiming low. I hate hollow victories. *FAILED. I lost interest and only got up to 125 or so.*

Maturity/Adulthood Goals
Since I am now a college graduate soon to live on my own, I need to increase my self-sufficiency. As such, there are some things I need to learn how to do.

-Take responsibility and live with consequences. The time for having cake and eating it too has passed. *Completed, to a degree. Not an A+. Probably more of a C.*
-Become a better cook. I can boil water and put stuff in the oven and microwave. I'd like to be able to have one go-to meal so that I can impress my friends, family, and future significant other with my culinary skills. *Incomplete. I have knowledge, but have yet to put it into practice*

Professional Goal
-Obtain a full-time teaching job. I am much closer than where I was at this time last year, but I need to press on until the goal is reached. *FAILED*

Social Goals
-Make three new friends. You can never have too many friends. I met this goal last year, but social worlds should be ever-expanding. *Completed. Out of all my goals, this one was probably the one I did best with.*

Appearance Goals
-Add another tattoo or get the labret pierced (which has always been an interest of mine) while maintaining the professionalism required of a rookie teacher. While obviously not a “need”, it would be fun. Actually, I think I’ll get another tattoo once I get a teaching position (in a concealed location on the arms/shoulders of course). *FAILED*

Dating Goals
-Have one fulfilling dating relationship. I know what works and I know what doesn’t work. I also have a better handle on what I do and do not want. If the right situation comes along, it’s time to make it happen. *Completed. Had a bit of a “complicated” relationship that didn’t really go where I wanted it to go. You live and learn.*

Personality Goals
-Have patience with people. I get annoyed rather easily. I am not perfect; ergo I can not expect perfection. *Completed, though there is still work to be done*
-Maintain balance. I often am either too driven or lack drive. Balance is one of life’s two necessities. Time for me to make it happen. *FAILED*

Philosophical Goals
-Complete development of my worldview. I am in the process of composing the components for my belief system to better explain it when asked by others. Once I've completed it, I'll probably be better equipped to live it. *FAILED, though I am working on this and will finish it soon*
-Complete 25 blogs, essays, or small writings. Not all of them will be extremely heavy, but it always feels good for me to share what I have learned through my life experiences. *Completed with flying colors*

Miscellaneous Goals and Achievements
-Take a camping trip. I have the physical capacity to camp now and am no longer afraid of the outdoors. I wimped out on too many things during my teen years. It is time to live. *FAILED*
-Do something (legal) that no one would ever expect me to do. The days of being predictable and vanilla are over. Only good will happen. *Completed*

An Open Letter to The Graduate

NOTE: From what I understand, open letters are usually complaints or humorous. This will not fall into either of those categories.

Corey, Jared, Matt, Max, and Tim,

My feelings toward The Graduate could probably be encompassed in the simple phrase “Thank you”, but that would not do you justice whatsoever. I randomly stumbled upon you during my monthly browsing of the “List of Pop Punk Bands” Wikipedia page this summer, and I decided to give it a try. After hearing “Anhedonia” and “I Survived”, I knew I had struck gold.

As not only musicians but also fans of music, I’m sure there have been bands and/or albums that have affected your lives. The Graduate has been that band for me. Each time I listen to Anhedonia or Only Every Time I get something new out of it. At times I will be mesmerized by the outstanding musicianship exhibited by all five members. Other times I am drawn to Corey’s vocals, which have really grown. Still, other times I am floored by the strength of the lyrics.
Perhaps what draws me most to the music of The Graduate is how relatable and personally relevant it has been to me. In September I had to take an unexpected road trip from Chicago to North Carolina. The only music I listened to for that entire drive came from The Graduate. When “I Survived” played as I was pulling out to make the trek back to Illinois, it truly encompassed my feelings about the trip. Other songs have been so relevant to me it has almost felt as if I had written them myself, especially “Stuck (Inside My Head)” and the bridge of “End of the World Delight”. It feels like every time I give your music a listen I find a new song to put on repeat.

Listening to your albums helped the band to quickly ascend my list of favorite bands, but what put you at the top of my list was watching you perform live in October in Lisle, Illinois. After seeing two of my favorite bands (Relient K and Anberlin) perform together in 2003, I told myself I would not go to another show until it was a show I thought could compare to the other. Not only did The Graduate step up to the plate, you hit the musical equivalent of a grand slam onto Waveland Avenue. The energy and enthusiasm was unparalleled, and the quality of the show was amazing. I brought a friend with me to the show who had never heard The Graduate, and he was already a fan before you had finished the opener. As I told Corey and Max that night, it was the best 40 minutes my ears have ever experienced.

In closing, thank you. Thank you for being my soundtrack for 2010. Thank you for putting out amazing music. Thank you for putting on an incredible live show, and thank you for being gracious and approachable at the live events. You are my favorite band, and I do not see that changing anytime soon. While much of the world has not yet had their eyes and ears opened to The Graduate, I do not doubt that they soon will. The Graduate has that “it” factor, and I am doing my part to introduce as many people to the band as possible. The band name “The Graduate” is so appropriate. You are moving onward and upward and taking music to a whole new level, just as graduates advance to the next stage in life. I look forward to what is in store for The Graduate in 2011 and beyond, and I hope to experience as much of it firsthand as possible.

Thanks again,
Jakob Duehr

2010 by My Arbitrary Lists

Here are my ratings of a bunch of different things in 2010. You likely won't agree, but this will give you a better glimpse into my mind and my own personal pop culture.

Albums

5. Invented, Jimmy Eat World
4. Hear Me Now, Secondhand Serenade
3. Dark is the Way, Light is a Place, Anberlin
2. Habits, Neon Trees
1. Only Every Time, The Graduate

Bands That I Had Never Heard Of

5. The Wedding
4. The Getaway Plan
3. Neon Trees
2. Mumford and Sons
1. The Graduate (seriously, did you expect me to put anything else?)

Songs

5. Notbroken, Goo Goo Dolls
4. Holiday, Vampire Weekend
3. Nightmares, Secondhand Serenade
2. Stuck (Inside My Head), The Graduate
1. Sins of My Youth, Neon Trees

TV Shows

5. NCIS: Los Angeles
4. House
3. NCIS*
2. Psych
1. White Collar

*While NCIS is still my favorite television show, I felt that a lot of episodes were filler and that Season 7 as a whole was disappointing. I still expect big things from the show in 2011.

Sports Moments

5. Butler’s run through the NCAA Tournament
4. DeSean Jackson’s punt return vs. the Giants
3. Tracy Porter’s interception of Peyton Manning
2. The Blackhawks’ Stanley Cup victory
1. Scottie Pippen’s induction into the Basketball Hall of Fame

Websites

5. A World of Words
4. Hire Jakob Duehr
3. Yahoo! Sports
2. Stickam
1. Facebook

Personal Moments

5. Meeting up with Hoover at Woodfield
4. Watching WrestleMania XXVI with my uncle and aunt
3. The love and affection I received on my birthday
2. Seeing The Graduate in concert with Dan
1. The various opportunities to see my closest friends during the holidays

Favorite Classes to Sub

5. Ms. Godfrey, Language Arts, Century
4. Mr. Ruppert, Health, OJ
3. Mr. Carriel, 5th Grade, Meadow Ridge
2. Mrs. Mena, Communications, Century
1. Mrs. Stiehr, 5th Grade, High Point

Thankful

Even in difficult years such as this, it would be foolish not to take the opportunity to show gratitude for the good things. Just as a broken clock is right twice a day, life's clouds are full of silver linings. Cliches aside, this is my 24th Thanksgiving. In no particular order, here are the things about my life for which I truly am grateful.



1. The new friends I have made this calendar year

2. The old friends who never really seem that far away

3. Buttons, my cat

4. Family to rejoice with in the peaks and be comforted by in the valleys

5. The fact the Seahawks are still in first in the NFC West

6. The idea that with a little time and a lot of effort, relationships can be mended

7. Twitter, which has opened a world of communication for me with WWE superstars

8. Slurpees, Slim Jims, and Combos

9. The music of The Graduate

10. The ability to not take myself too seriously

11. The "Is it worth it?" Test (which will be the subject of my next blog)

12. The opportunity to be that much better today than I was yesterday

13. Cardinal Fitness, even though their own personal radio station is subpar

14. My glorious beard

15. The use of the word "glorious"

16. Traditions that both amuse and entertain me

17. The knowledge that nobody has ever truly given up on me

18. The hope that things will eventually turn for the better (it's what keeps me a Cubs fan)

19. The ability to have a platform for expression that isn't forced upon an audience

20. My dependable vehicle

21. The lessons I learned at Richards and continue to learn at District 135

22. Memories of 2003 and 2004

23. The confidence that arrived in 2008 with the loss of weight

24. You. Seriously, if you are taking the time to read this, I hope you know that in one way or another, you are important to me. While I am desiring more in my life, I am truly thankful for what I do have. Thank you for being part of that.

Friendship by the Numbers

This post will make a lot more sense come January or so, but for now I wanted to give you a statistical look at my friends list. I am mostly looking at where they came from, when we met, and when we last saw each other. This is pretty barebones now, but as stated earlier, this will be relevant in January.

Before we start, some clarifications. This data was compiled at the beginning of October, so it does not take every friend on my list into account. Also, some people fit into multiple groups because they played a significant role in my life in multiple areas.

Stone Church

This group comprises the most members (98), which makes sense because it’s the one place I’ve spent the greatest amount of time involved with. I attended Stone Church Christian Academy from 1992-2001 and attended the church on and off from 1988-2009. It is a very diverse group of people on the list, comprising my closest group of friends, my former classmates, youth group members, and students I subbed for/taught computers for in the latter part of the last decade. I met them all between 1990 and 2008, but have not seen most of them after 2009.

Tinley Park High School

I met these 97 members during my high school years (2001-2005). Never really feeling like I fit in, I lost touch with most of them after 2005, though I have seen a handful of them in 2010.

Palos Bible Church

Speaking of not fitting in, I made PBC my youth group from 2000-2003. Over that amount of time, I met 31 of these friends. I have fallen out of touch with all of them and have only seen a couple since 2007.

Christian Hills Church

I spent a stint in the mid- to late-1990s at this church, and seven friends come from there. Only one have I seen in the 2000s.

Family

I have three family members on my friends list, and I see them all at least once a year. Moving on.

Super Target

I worked there from 2005-2008, making 30 Facebook friends in the process. Other than the occasional dropping by to Super Target to pick up Full Throttle or body spray, I have not seen my former coworkers since 2008.

Richards High School

I met all these kids during my stint as “Mr. D.” in 2008. Most are graduated now, and I haven’t seen any of the 20 of them since a football game in 2009.

Camp

The highlight of my summers during my high school years (2001-2005), I met seven friends there. While I keep in touch with most, I haven’t seen most of them since 2005 (other than a chance meeting with Hoover this year).

College

Between my time at ONU from 2005-2008 and my semester at GSU in 2010, I have made 35 friends. Those from ONU I have not seen since 2008, while those from GSU I have obviously seen this year.

GameFAQs

Between the Animal Crossing Social Board and Paper Mario social, I have made 32 friends from the site, most of whom I met in 2004 but none that I have met in person to date. This group includes my two closest online friends, Ken and Zach.

Stickam

Since joining the site in 2008, I have made 26 friends, most of whom I met in 2010. While I have only met Melmo in person (2009), I “see” almost all of them on a regular basis because we chat on cam together. Very eclectic and interesting group of people.

Real Life Miscellany

This group includes people I’ve met in real life circumstances that don’t merit a group. These include friends of friends, girls who ran track against my sister who I now engage in epic poke wars with, the cute girl who used to take my number while I worked out at Cardinal, or someone who I sought out after finding her in a school newspaper, only to have a great friendship, failed romantic pursuit, failed friendship, and resurrection of great friendship! This group measures 14 in total, most of which I have seen this year.

Online Miscellany

This group is similar to the above group, only that I met these people through random places online between 2005 and the present. I have actually met four of the 29 in person this year.

Six Degrees

DISCLAIMER: This, quite honestly, may be one of the most personal blog entries I have ever written. I make no apologies for it.

I have been thinking a lot about my life the last month or so, as things have just been absolutely crazy around these parts. I decided that now is the appropriate time to share some of these topics that have occupied my thoughts. The more I thought about the topics, the more I realized that they flow nicely one into another.


1. I spend a lot of time wondering what certain people who used to be a big part of my life would think of me now.

If you are reading this, you know by now that I march to my own beat and have a general disregard for what others think or say about me. Even if I was at my best, I still cannot affect 100% of others’ opinions of me. That said, I do care to a degree what my immediate family thinks, as well as select others. There are also a few individuals who have shaped my life but for one reason or another I longer hear from much (if at all). One is my former teacher, Mr. Clifton. Another is my old youth pastor, Scott Bradley. The last is my late friend Katie. Every so often I think about them and wonder what they would think of me now. Would they be proud of me? Have I turned out how they expected me to turn out? In Katie’s case, would we still be close friends? The more I thought about those questions, the more I was troubled by the realization I could not definitively give myself the answer that I desired. The last group of people whose opinions I truly value are my core group of friends, which brings me to my next thought.

2. I miss my core group of friends.

I could end this thought at that and it would explain things. I have been blessed to have the same group of friends by my side throughout the years. I got to see them every day at school for nine years, a few days a week (or more) during high school, and sporadically during college. For the first time, it’s really hit me that we’re not all on the same paths. We are scattered throughout the country doing various things. I have not even seen Rob or Rex in person this calendar year and can count on one hand the times I’ve seen Dan and Merrill combined. I love the friends I’ve made over the past few years from a variety of places, but a lot of them aren’t people I can tangibly see or hang out with. My core group of friends is largely responsible for some of my finest memories and greatest periods of my life. Speaking of great periods of my life…

3. I miss being at Richards.

It is crazy for me to think that two weeks will mark the two year anniversary of the completion of my student teaching experience. It was one of the greatest times of my life. I was physically on top of the world after losing 60 pounds, and I felt accomplished in clearing the final hurdle of my undergraduate career. There were times that I surprised myself with how well I did, but I fully admit that I made more than my share of mistakes. Part of it can definitely be attributed to the learning curve that student teachers face, but I am not looking to make excuses. I was paired with a highly successful veteran teacher, and I should have listened more than I did. While I unfortunately did not apply all of the lessons he gave me during my student teaching experience, his lessons did not fall on deaf ears. Though I did not always do the right thing, I was able to grow. I am cognizant of my weaknesses as well as my strengths. One of my biggest surprises was how well I was able to connect with the students… this whole “Mr. D.” gimmick…

4. I play a character… or do I?

As I just mentioned above, I have been astonished at my ability to relate to students. I’ve also been surprised with how I acted with them. To be honest, when I started student teaching, I was scared to death of the kids. It showed in my first couple days of teaching. Eventually, I got comfortable with them, and I started to become more outgoing with them. In fact, I became more outgoing than I was used to being in my normal life. I felt like in addition to teaching I was playing a character. Over time my confidence in teaching combined with being at my physical peak bred more confidence in my social life. The social counterpart to the “Mr. D.” character became the “Greatest Man That Ever Lived”, which became my Stickam ID as well as my Facebook URL. The interesting thing about both characters is that they act in great contrast to who I have been, or at least in contrast to my self-image. I began to feel my normal reactions to start to become more like “Mr. D.” and less like Jakob, which caused me to wonder: was I really playing a character, or was I changing as a person? The answer was yes to both. Each have their perks, and each have their downfalls.

5. I have reaped what I have sown.

I am the product of the choices I have made. Many of those choices I take a measure of pride in. Others, I do not. In high school, many of the problems I faced were the direct result of the fact that I was an awkward dork who at times had unconventional methods and subpar social skills. There are people from each step of my life that do not like me, and many have good reason to do so. I am prone to missteps. I have exhibited poor judgment in my romantic pursuits. I do not deny this. I have not always been the person I should have been. I have not always been the person I have wanted to be. This cannot be blamed on anyone else but me. Sure, I have been wronged, but the only chronic wrong is me holding on to wrongs. To go back to my first point, thanks to a lot of these things, I truly don’t know if Katie and the others would be proud of me. I don’t know if my family or close group of friends are, either.

6. So where do I go from here?

The beauty of my life and most of our lives is that our issues are not permanent. There are aspects of each and every one of our lives that we do not necessarily like. These can be fixed. I know I need act better, present myself better, and live my live in a productive and appropriate manner. I’m working at it. I’ve initiated my own “Getting Good at Being Good Initiative”. So far, I can see some changes. I'm better at my job. In my social life, I am much more patient with others, am less prone to blowing up, and have made fewer bad decisions. It is always a good decision to live at peace with everyone. I know I am not perfect. I am still prone to missteps and temptation. That will probably never go away, but I am working towards a goal. To those who know me, whether it has been for 10 days or 10 years, I have one request of you. Please do not judge me based on who I was, for good or for bad. Evaluate me on who I am and who I am in the process of becoming.