Alright, so this year is coming to a merciful close. There wasn't a hugely compelling reason to hate the year, but for the most part I definitely didn't enjoy it. In fact, as far as this decade goes, the only year I liked less was 2005. It's not to say this year didn't have its moments, but the good things took a lot of work. Well, with all that said, here it goes. It won't be as detailed as in previous years because there's honestly a lot I've forgotten.
January: Started the year off with my guys. It was a good time. Went down to Champaign to watch the Royal Rumble. New semester. Big fight with a girl.
February: I was working at Target the day the Lane Bryant shooting happened across the lot. Scary stuff. Also started observations at Lincoln-Way Central.
March: Surprise early birthday party. Resolved the fight of January. Student teaching placement bounced from school to school
April: 21st Birthday. Being straightedge I did not partake in any drinking. Give me snide comments if you wish. End of my last normal semester as a student.
May: Began weight loss. Got my first tattoo. Went to Cubs game and odd concert at O'Malley's. Started the month 230 pounds. Ended at 217.
June: Work actually started getting fun again. Fell out of favor with a friend. (Turned out it wasn't my fault) Continued weight loss. Ended month at 204 pounds.
July: My cousin got back from Europe. Fun times at the grandparents' pool. Retired from Target. Ended month at 188 pounds.
August: Student teaching at Richards began. Completed my 50 pounds of weight loss (I would go on to lose another 11 to end at 169 pounds, the lightest I've been since January 2002).
September: Got deeper into student teaching. Started connecting with the kids. Went to a wedding.
October: Intense student teaching. Kicked my rear to the point I was going to bed at 9:30.
November: Ended student teaching. The kids were amazing, and I absolutely miss them.
December: Waiting for my paperwork for graduation and certification to process. Got to see a lot of old friends. Possibly on the brink of some new things.
So all in all the year was tough. The glories of getting in shape and student teaching did not come without hard work and sacrifice. 2009 I know will bring a lot of changes. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't apprehensive, but I am anxious to get out of this year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
The War of Relevance
Sometimes it seems life is nothing more than a constant fight. These battles take a variety of shapes and forms. Some of us have to fight physical battles, whether in an actual scuffle with another or due to a disease or infirmity. Some fight mental and emotional battles, whether in relationships, personal willpower, and other psychological issues. Then there are battles that each of us fight which are neither inherently physical or emotional. One such battle is against time. Much has been written about that, so I'm not going to waste my time repeating what has already been said, other than reiterating that the battle against time can never be truly won, only manipulated.
Another battle that each of us fights but not all of us take the time to consider is the war of relevance. We can lose relevance by over-activity, under-activity, and no activity at all. One day we can be of utmost relevance, and the very next expendable.
Case in point: I was bored the other night, so I read some old instant message conversations between myself and a female friend of mine. I don't know why I did it. Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Nonetheless, I started with some conversations from last October and November and read up to the big fight we had in January. At the time, I thought I had lost relevance due to the big fight, but in re-reading the words of my life, I realized that I had lost relevance about a month before that. Apparently, for whatever reason, I must have fulfilled my full purpose in her life, and I was rendered irrelevant, an entrenchment of which I seriously doubt I will ever escape, no matter what I say or do or how much I care about her.
Now that case was a bit extreme, but think about it. How many friends did you have three years ago that you don't speak to now? Practically everyone I went to high school with I lost contact with. Once graduation came, the war of relevance came, and I lost.
Even with my closest friends, things have evolved from hanging out almost every day in 2003 to being lucky if we talk once a week now. In this case, have we lost relevance with each other? I wouldn't say that. Actually, it would seem that our seeing each other is now irrelevant to our friendship because we've progressed to that point of trust and knowing each other.
So what happens when we try to fight the war of relevance? Often, the results are not pretty. We strive so hard to revive what once was that we sacrifice the present and the future. Not only that, but we compromise who we are and who we are becoming. Sometimes, it's worth that fight, but other times it is not.
I say all of that to inform you that you are fighting a battle (and most likely losing) every day. In this case, it's not always a bad thing to lose, nor is it necessarily a good thing to win. It is an inevitable component of life, and while it can be painful, it can also lead to progress.
Another battle that each of us fights but not all of us take the time to consider is the war of relevance. We can lose relevance by over-activity, under-activity, and no activity at all. One day we can be of utmost relevance, and the very next expendable.
Case in point: I was bored the other night, so I read some old instant message conversations between myself and a female friend of mine. I don't know why I did it. Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Nonetheless, I started with some conversations from last October and November and read up to the big fight we had in January. At the time, I thought I had lost relevance due to the big fight, but in re-reading the words of my life, I realized that I had lost relevance about a month before that. Apparently, for whatever reason, I must have fulfilled my full purpose in her life, and I was rendered irrelevant, an entrenchment of which I seriously doubt I will ever escape, no matter what I say or do or how much I care about her.
Now that case was a bit extreme, but think about it. How many friends did you have three years ago that you don't speak to now? Practically everyone I went to high school with I lost contact with. Once graduation came, the war of relevance came, and I lost.
Even with my closest friends, things have evolved from hanging out almost every day in 2003 to being lucky if we talk once a week now. In this case, have we lost relevance with each other? I wouldn't say that. Actually, it would seem that our seeing each other is now irrelevant to our friendship because we've progressed to that point of trust and knowing each other.
So what happens when we try to fight the war of relevance? Often, the results are not pretty. We strive so hard to revive what once was that we sacrifice the present and the future. Not only that, but we compromise who we are and who we are becoming. Sometimes, it's worth that fight, but other times it is not.
I say all of that to inform you that you are fighting a battle (and most likely losing) every day. In this case, it's not always a bad thing to lose, nor is it necessarily a good thing to win. It is an inevitable component of life, and while it can be painful, it can also lead to progress.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
The Obligatory Annual Anti-Valentine's Day Post
Heh, I didn't think my first blog of 2008 would be on this subject, but life tends to throw more than its share of surprises and bitter pills. It has been my tradition as the years have gone by to lament my romantic plights in the middle of February, and sadly, this year is no different.
They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, I guess I'm insane. I have been experiencing the same mistakes over and over again for the last eight years, ever since I had my first real crush whom I met two days after Valentine's Day 2000.
Now, don't get me wrong... I've actually come a long way. I don't call people and hang up or have people bother other people via AIM anymore, but I am prone to blunder. My romantic mistakes generally come from one or more of these three areas:
1) I believe that the young lady is out of my league, and I begin to press, thinking that I have to do something big to gain her attention and affection. This never works, and I wind up falling flat on my face and looking like a creep.
2) I take a skewed view of reality and only choose to look at things in a favorable light for myself. I wind up telling everyone around these positive things, but they are so used to my quixotic views that the only person surprised at my eventual failure is myself.
3) I don't listen. For whatever reason, I tend to believe that I know exactly what ladies need, and I kill myself trying to provide this. More often than not I am providing the exact opposite of what she needs, and I continue to be so arrogant in my abilities that I obliviously sever all ties.
I thought things would be different this year, but it was not meant to be. In immediate retrospect, it looks like I just recently failed in all three of those areas. It's hard when you have to press so much for just a first chance.
So, I guess I'm at a crossroads. Do I utilize the familiar tried-and-failed formula yet again, or do I try something new? Something's got to give. Check back V-Day 2009 for the results.
They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, I guess I'm insane. I have been experiencing the same mistakes over and over again for the last eight years, ever since I had my first real crush whom I met two days after Valentine's Day 2000.
Now, don't get me wrong... I've actually come a long way. I don't call people and hang up or have people bother other people via AIM anymore, but I am prone to blunder. My romantic mistakes generally come from one or more of these three areas:
1) I believe that the young lady is out of my league, and I begin to press, thinking that I have to do something big to gain her attention and affection. This never works, and I wind up falling flat on my face and looking like a creep.
2) I take a skewed view of reality and only choose to look at things in a favorable light for myself. I wind up telling everyone around these positive things, but they are so used to my quixotic views that the only person surprised at my eventual failure is myself.
3) I don't listen. For whatever reason, I tend to believe that I know exactly what ladies need, and I kill myself trying to provide this. More often than not I am providing the exact opposite of what she needs, and I continue to be so arrogant in my abilities that I obliviously sever all ties.
I thought things would be different this year, but it was not meant to be. In immediate retrospect, it looks like I just recently failed in all three of those areas. It's hard when you have to press so much for just a first chance.
So, I guess I'm at a crossroads. Do I utilize the familiar tried-and-failed formula yet again, or do I try something new? Something's got to give. Check back V-Day 2009 for the results.
Monday, December 31, 2007
2007 in Review
As has been my tradition since 2004, I'll give you a month by month rundown of 2007. While it wasn't spectacular, I've grown a lot as a person, and all in all it was a decent year. So here goes.
January: The year didn't begin on a high note. I played football up at PBC on New Year's Day (after doing nothing on New Year's Eve) and was ignored even worse than when I went there. Not cool. Seahawks got knocked out of the playoffs by the Bears who went on to lose the Super Bowl. Semester started, and it was probably my most boring.
February: Surprisingly decent. I talked to an old friend on Valentine's Day, but otherwise, not much of note happened.
March: Another decent month, though again, nothing much to note. Hung out with friends a few times.
April: Jakob Duehr XX was a great experience, though I was sick for it. Another great Easter, though the celebration was out of the ordinary in that we went out to eat with my mom's side of the family instead of celebrating it at my grandparents' house.
May: Spring semester ended. Started summer course. My sister Heidi graduated from high school, and I went to a few of her track meets.
June: Began my summer abstinence from the internet. Got a cat, Buttons, who is quite high quality and is a respected member of the Duehr clan. In fact, she is sitting a few feet away from me at this very moment. Also went to Six Flags as a chaperon with the youth group. Oh, I also taught Sunday School.
July: More internet abstinence. I was able to hang out with my cousin Andy many times to swim at our grandparents' house. Hung out with people from work as well as high school. Began to branch out socially.
August: Return to both school and the internet. At this time Stacie and I began to get really close, as there is a connection between us that is indescribable.
September: After twenty years, we finally moved from our house in Tinley to a much nicer place in Orland Park. It took some getting used to, but I like the place. Finally came to terms with reality concerning a five year pursuit. I went back to TPHS for Homecoming Game, and actually met Stacie there in person for the first time. Long story.
October: Went to a WWE Pay Per View (No Mercy) with three guys from work, and my hero and yours, Randy Orton (\__O_/) won the title not once, but TWICE!! I finally confronted my feelings regarding a certain person, and for the most part, I think I handled myself well. Began observation hours at TPHS under Mr. Pfeffer.
November: More observation hours. I actually got to teach the class once. It was my teaching debut, and while I thought it was a bit boring, the kids seemed to grasp the material. Another excellent Thanksgiving, though I had to work at Super Target at 5:45 a.m. the day after (and stayed up talking with Stacie until midnight that night).
December: End of the semester. Went better than I had expected. I'm firing on all cylinders gearing up for the home stretch. Christmas was also very nice. I spent more than I usually do on people, but it was worth it. We are welcoming another addition to our family, as my sister is now engaged.
That was the eventful and productive 2007 in a nutshell. I am EXTREMELY excited for 2008, because I think in a lot of areas I am at the brink of something incredible. Thanks to all the old friends and new for making this year incredible.
January: The year didn't begin on a high note. I played football up at PBC on New Year's Day (after doing nothing on New Year's Eve) and was ignored even worse than when I went there. Not cool. Seahawks got knocked out of the playoffs by the Bears who went on to lose the Super Bowl. Semester started, and it was probably my most boring.
February: Surprisingly decent. I talked to an old friend on Valentine's Day, but otherwise, not much of note happened.
March: Another decent month, though again, nothing much to note. Hung out with friends a few times.
April: Jakob Duehr XX was a great experience, though I was sick for it. Another great Easter, though the celebration was out of the ordinary in that we went out to eat with my mom's side of the family instead of celebrating it at my grandparents' house.
May: Spring semester ended. Started summer course. My sister Heidi graduated from high school, and I went to a few of her track meets.
June: Began my summer abstinence from the internet. Got a cat, Buttons, who is quite high quality and is a respected member of the Duehr clan. In fact, she is sitting a few feet away from me at this very moment. Also went to Six Flags as a chaperon with the youth group. Oh, I also taught Sunday School.
July: More internet abstinence. I was able to hang out with my cousin Andy many times to swim at our grandparents' house. Hung out with people from work as well as high school. Began to branch out socially.
August: Return to both school and the internet. At this time Stacie and I began to get really close, as there is a connection between us that is indescribable.
September: After twenty years, we finally moved from our house in Tinley to a much nicer place in Orland Park. It took some getting used to, but I like the place. Finally came to terms with reality concerning a five year pursuit. I went back to TPHS for Homecoming Game, and actually met Stacie there in person for the first time. Long story.
October: Went to a WWE Pay Per View (No Mercy) with three guys from work, and my hero and yours, Randy Orton (\__O_/) won the title not once, but TWICE!! I finally confronted my feelings regarding a certain person, and for the most part, I think I handled myself well. Began observation hours at TPHS under Mr. Pfeffer.
November: More observation hours. I actually got to teach the class once. It was my teaching debut, and while I thought it was a bit boring, the kids seemed to grasp the material. Another excellent Thanksgiving, though I had to work at Super Target at 5:45 a.m. the day after (and stayed up talking with Stacie until midnight that night).
December: End of the semester. Went better than I had expected. I'm firing on all cylinders gearing up for the home stretch. Christmas was also very nice. I spent more than I usually do on people, but it was worth it. We are welcoming another addition to our family, as my sister is now engaged.
That was the eventful and productive 2007 in a nutshell. I am EXTREMELY excited for 2008, because I think in a lot of areas I am at the brink of something incredible. Thanks to all the old friends and new for making this year incredible.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
The Results of the Seven-Headed Plan for Optimizing Jakob Duehr
In January, I laid forth my sevenfold plan for personal optimization. Now that 2007 is nearly complete, I shall update my progress with those challenges.
All in all, I feel I succeeded in my goals. There is still a journey to the top of the mountain, but I definitely feel I have made some steps in the right direction.
Decide on a style and go with it.
I was successful in this, but unfortunately people tried to compartmentalize me because of it.
De-emphasize the value of solitude.
For the most part, I have done a pretty good job with this. This year I have done things with a broad number of people, made some new friends, and renewed acquaintances with old ones. I've actually tried to get things together a few times but it didn't work out.
Get below 190 pounds.
Yeah, I failed in this one. This is going to be my #1 goal for 2008.
Establish a connection with some sort of celebrity.
I actually talked on MySpace for a little while with the actress who portrays Casey on "Life with Derek" and was even in her top friends, but that was it.
Take more risks.
This year I've done things I never thought I'd do before, and my only regret is that I didn't live even more than I did.
Let some things die.
I was able to relinquish a five year flame, and 75% of the grudges I had previously held. Still have some work to do.
Establish some sort of balancing operator.
I have a female best friend now to go with my core group of guys. She is amazing. We bicker a bit too much for my liking, but she definitely has the potential to balance me out and save me from myself.
All in all, I feel I succeeded in my goals. There is still a journey to the top of the mountain, but I definitely feel I have made some steps in the right direction.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Jakob Duehr de la Mancha?
It has indeed been a while since I blogged. While there has been much on my mind, very little of it I was compelled to put into writing. However, I think it's time to blog it up.
For starters, everyone who reads this NEEDS to either read Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes or watch "The Man of La Mancha". Classics, I tell you. I say that because I have found some similarities between Don Quixote and myself.
Don Quixote is seen by many as delusional because he views things in a way that nobody else really does. On the surface, he appears to be somewhat crazy, but if you look at things from a different perception, he is correct in a way. Likewise, I don't view things from a normal perspective. I've always done things my own unorthodox way, and a lot of people probably thing I'm some sort of freak. However, if you look at things from my perspective, I'm not always that far off.
Don Quixote's friends liked him, but had to deceive him at times because they had sympathy for him and his delusions. I'm beginning to think that my friends often say things to appease me because they have sympathy for me and know that I think on a one-track mind, and sometimes I fall off track. Heh.
Don Quixote comes across this woman named Aldonza. She is not necessarily the most wholesome sort, and has not had the best past. He does not see her as this but rather as Dulcinea, a beautiful maiden whom Don Quixote absolutely adores. She is rather put off by his admiration for her and repeatedly fends off his love and affection. Quixote is not discouraged by this and continues with his unrequited love. Eventually, he becomes injured and wakes, realizing that all he believed to be real was a delusion.
At this point, Aldonza comes to him. She finally realizes that she is something special. She no longer has to be trapped inside the box of guilt and shame. She finally believes herself to be Dulcinea and can no longer bear to be anything else. This brings Don Quixote back to where he once was, and he dies, not having been able to live with the love of Dulcinea but able to see the transformation made within her.
I have found my own Aldonza. I always have and always will believe her to be Dulcinea, but it is of little matter whether I believe that unless she believes it herself. I have tired endlessly to get her to see that she is something special--and she is extremely special to me. I just don't know when she'll see it.
At this point in my life, I think I've been wounded. It is by no means a mortal wound, but it is a wound that has caused me to think about things and wonder if I really have been delusional all this time. I just hope my Dulcinea will come to remind me who I am while understanding who she is.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
A Losing Battle
There have been times where I've started something and was a little behind the gun, but I had enough time and ability to compensate and end up exactly where I wanted to be. Never in my life before this had I taken part in anything where I felt the rules of the game kept on changing the closer I got to making progress.
Today was the hardest thing I've ever done. How do you temporarily remove one of your best friends from your life? There's going to be a big empty void, and I don't know what I'm going to be doing with my Tuesday and Thursday afternoons these days. It's what I had to do, though. The two things of life I am concerned most about are balance and progress. Our friendship hasn't been progressing, and I started to see signs of it regressing.
The friendship started unorthodoxly beautiful and continued in that way for eighteen months. I had never had a friend that long without so much as one argument. It was amazing and wonderful. It was the source of immense happiness. Then things started going downhill even before I came out with my newfound feelings. I felt as though I had gone from having open arms to having both arms tied behind my back. There's only so much you can do. To not be able to make phone calls... to not seeing each other except once in a blue moon... to not being able to use the word love... I felt like the thing that was so beautiful and amazing to me was withering away before my very eyes like a flower after the first frost.
For somebody who didn't take any risks for 20 years, I've been making up for all the lost time of playing it safe. I think I've taken the biggest gamble of my life. For progress in this friendship in the future, I am sacrificing the present. I care about her with all that is within me and will never give up on her, but I can't figure out what she needs. At this point, it's not me.
Maybe it will be realized that I was just some delusional freak who made no contributions to her life. If that's the case, I'll have to live with that. I won't like it, but it will be the bitter pill of bitter pills. However, if things turn out the way my heart tells me and hopes that it will, then someday imminent I will enter into one of the greatest periods of my life. If that's the case, I can suck things up now. The end will justify the pain it took to get us there.
I still feel the Quixotic tendencies within me. Right now I'm just too weary to let them out. I just hope unlike the book, my maiden realizes she's something special before my demise.
Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I already went crazy. But right now, I'm doing what I feel I have to, and hopefully time will vindicate me.
Until then, I love you Dulcinea.
Today was the hardest thing I've ever done. How do you temporarily remove one of your best friends from your life? There's going to be a big empty void, and I don't know what I'm going to be doing with my Tuesday and Thursday afternoons these days. It's what I had to do, though. The two things of life I am concerned most about are balance and progress. Our friendship hasn't been progressing, and I started to see signs of it regressing.
The friendship started unorthodoxly beautiful and continued in that way for eighteen months. I had never had a friend that long without so much as one argument. It was amazing and wonderful. It was the source of immense happiness. Then things started going downhill even before I came out with my newfound feelings. I felt as though I had gone from having open arms to having both arms tied behind my back. There's only so much you can do. To not be able to make phone calls... to not seeing each other except once in a blue moon... to not being able to use the word love... I felt like the thing that was so beautiful and amazing to me was withering away before my very eyes like a flower after the first frost.
For somebody who didn't take any risks for 20 years, I've been making up for all the lost time of playing it safe. I think I've taken the biggest gamble of my life. For progress in this friendship in the future, I am sacrificing the present. I care about her with all that is within me and will never give up on her, but I can't figure out what she needs. At this point, it's not me.
Maybe it will be realized that I was just some delusional freak who made no contributions to her life. If that's the case, I'll have to live with that. I won't like it, but it will be the bitter pill of bitter pills. However, if things turn out the way my heart tells me and hopes that it will, then someday imminent I will enter into one of the greatest periods of my life. If that's the case, I can suck things up now. The end will justify the pain it took to get us there.
I still feel the Quixotic tendencies within me. Right now I'm just too weary to let them out. I just hope unlike the book, my maiden realizes she's something special before my demise.
Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I already went crazy. But right now, I'm doing what I feel I have to, and hopefully time will vindicate me.
Until then, I love you Dulcinea.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Thanks for slowly destroying me. Expect a bill later.
I should be happy because of how great a time I had at No Mercy last night, but I'm not. Somehow the only thing that could have brought down my spirit did.
For most of my teenage years, I had a bit of an inferiority complex. I was extremely self-conscious, and I felt less than people. Soon after I got to college, I realized "Hey, I'm really not all that bad", and things have gone better for me in that front ever since. Slowly, I am beginning to feel all that I have built up sink down. Have you ever given everything you have for someone, and intentionally or unintentionally, they make you feel not good enough? It blows my mind sometimes.
It blows my mind that anyone would stay in something that hurts them to hurt someone that really cares about them. It is almost incomprehensible to me. To not see your best friend because of fear of consequences, and then telling said best friend to take a wait and see approach to seeing each other, which could last indefinitely, is downright hurtful. And believe me, I'm hurt.
I don't know. Maybe I'm not good enough. I dress a certain way, I talk at a deeper level, I'm not as aesthetically appealing, and I have probably got under skin. I still don't see how any of that should go over the fact that I unconditionally care about this person more than anything else at this point in my life. There's probably nothing I can do, and it is slowly eroding me. I used to think that I had an firm and grounded hope, but I'm really not sure anymore... I'm beginning to think I don't know anything. Thanks.
For most of my teenage years, I had a bit of an inferiority complex. I was extremely self-conscious, and I felt less than people. Soon after I got to college, I realized "Hey, I'm really not all that bad", and things have gone better for me in that front ever since. Slowly, I am beginning to feel all that I have built up sink down. Have you ever given everything you have for someone, and intentionally or unintentionally, they make you feel not good enough? It blows my mind sometimes.
It blows my mind that anyone would stay in something that hurts them to hurt someone that really cares about them. It is almost incomprehensible to me. To not see your best friend because of fear of consequences, and then telling said best friend to take a wait and see approach to seeing each other, which could last indefinitely, is downright hurtful. And believe me, I'm hurt.
I don't know. Maybe I'm not good enough. I dress a certain way, I talk at a deeper level, I'm not as aesthetically appealing, and I have probably got under skin. I still don't see how any of that should go over the fact that I unconditionally care about this person more than anything else at this point in my life. There's probably nothing I can do, and it is slowly eroding me. I used to think that I had an firm and grounded hope, but I'm really not sure anymore... I'm beginning to think I don't know anything. Thanks.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
I don't know how to give up hope
It's really strange. The Cubs lost last night, and I took it a lot better than I thought I was going to. Though they didn't go all the way, I knew that all will be well. And with the Seahawks looking to gain revenge on the Steelers and Randy Orton possibly winning the title tonight (I'm going to No Mercy tonight and super-excited), hope is prevalent and abundant. For whatever reason, I can't lose hope.
I had a very interesting conversation with my mom last night. She said "Most mothers wish for a perfect girls with no faults for their sons. But when you were very young, I felt something different. Something inside me knew that you were going to find a girl with hurts and pains who didn't necessarily always do everything right, but you were going to want to save her. You were going to let her know how special she is, and you would treat her like a princess for the rest of your lives. I still feel that is going to happen with you." Even one day later, that conversation amazes me.
We all live our lives today for the hope of tomorrow. Each day, we wake up hoping today is that tomorrow. Someday it will be. Until then, I can not relinquish hope.
I had a very interesting conversation with my mom last night. She said "Most mothers wish for a perfect girls with no faults for their sons. But when you were very young, I felt something different. Something inside me knew that you were going to find a girl with hurts and pains who didn't necessarily always do everything right, but you were going to want to save her. You were going to let her know how special she is, and you would treat her like a princess for the rest of your lives. I still feel that is going to happen with you." Even one day later, that conversation amazes me.
We all live our lives today for the hope of tomorrow. Each day, we wake up hoping today is that tomorrow. Someday it will be. Until then, I can not relinquish hope.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Various Thoughts
For the longest time, I hated taking risks, but now I can't get enough of them. When my old flame Jessica told me she was with child, she asked me what I thought. The Jakob of old would've said some sort of congrats with a moderate amount of sucking up. Heh, not now. I told her how she let me down and wasn't living life with a plan. When she got mad, I didn't care. Fear of what she thought of me didn't matter anymore.
After the whole Jessica fiasco and closure, I decided it was finally time to let Stacie know how I felt about her. She is one of my closest friends, but I think that if it's meant to be, someday there'll be more. I don't know if I've ever felt such a connection with a person. I would do anything for that girl without asking for much in return. I'd rather see her with me because that way I'd know she was in good hands. We'll see. I know it makes her uncomfortable talking about it, but for me, I like to keep it on her mind at all times. We'll see if my interest gets in the way of being best buds. It shouldn't, other than when she tells me about that stupid English teacher of hers. Shouldn't make me jealous, but it does. Haha.
I used to not mess with girls with boyfriends in trying to be honorable, but not anymore. It doesn't help that the last three girls I was interested in had boyfriends who didn't particularly like me. Jessica, Con4t, Stacie, all three of them have had boyfriends who wanted to run their mouths off about me. Stay focused on your relationship and being the best you can be, and you won't have to worry about looking over your shoulders. Though I will say, objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
My tolerance of stupidity and annoyances have lowered and lowered as of late. At work and at school I am finding it difficult to keep my mouth shut. The people in my Latin American History class can vouch for that. At Target, I have to be sure that my sharp tongue doesn't put me in the unemployment line.
So, after reading this, it would probably appear that I am unhappy. Things are not where I'd like them to be, but I am optimistic. All will be well, and if they aren't, I'll find a way to make them well.
After the whole Jessica fiasco and closure, I decided it was finally time to let Stacie know how I felt about her. She is one of my closest friends, but I think that if it's meant to be, someday there'll be more. I don't know if I've ever felt such a connection with a person. I would do anything for that girl without asking for much in return. I'd rather see her with me because that way I'd know she was in good hands. We'll see. I know it makes her uncomfortable talking about it, but for me, I like to keep it on her mind at all times. We'll see if my interest gets in the way of being best buds. It shouldn't, other than when she tells me about that stupid English teacher of hers. Shouldn't make me jealous, but it does. Haha.
I used to not mess with girls with boyfriends in trying to be honorable, but not anymore. It doesn't help that the last three girls I was interested in had boyfriends who didn't particularly like me. Jessica, Con4t, Stacie, all three of them have had boyfriends who wanted to run their mouths off about me. Stay focused on your relationship and being the best you can be, and you won't have to worry about looking over your shoulders. Though I will say, objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
My tolerance of stupidity and annoyances have lowered and lowered as of late. At work and at school I am finding it difficult to keep my mouth shut. The people in my Latin American History class can vouch for that. At Target, I have to be sure that my sharp tongue doesn't put me in the unemployment line.
So, after reading this, it would probably appear that I am unhappy. Things are not where I'd like them to be, but I am optimistic. All will be well, and if they aren't, I'll find a way to make them well.
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