2006 in Review: The Bitter Pill that Was

Hey there. It's the end of the year, and in keeping in tradition, I thought I'd give you the rundown of my 2006. While I am grateful to be alive and realize that things could have been much worse, let's just say I'm glad to have gotten it over and done. So here it was.

January: Actually a good month. I got moved to the grocery department at work and started the spring semester. Sadly, the month ended in disappointment, as my Seahawks were robbed of a Super Bowl title.

February: I didn't do anything of much note, other than do a mass virtual flower send-out. While the nice comments I got back in return were nice, don't expect anything like that from me ever again.

March: The month I'd like to forget. While it started out pretty nice with going to my sister's track meets and such, it ended tragically with the loss of my lifelong friend Katie in a car accident. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

April: I turned 19. Good times. People really made my birthday special. Sadly, the loss of Katie ultimately prohibited me from enjoying it.

May: School ended, well at least spring semester did. I participated in an online course and was amazed at the amount of motivation it takes to complete one.

June: This month was spent doing out of the ordinary things, like counselor training in Hanover Park and jury duty in Bridgeview. It was an interesting month and was sort of fun. At this point I thought something new was on the horizon from a relational standpoint, but it wasn't meant to be. Better that way.

July: As I blogged before, the whole camp situation was extremely awkward and unsettled even as I got there. I did wind up being a counselor, and while it wasn't quite the way I had expected, the kids in my room were loads of fun. I learned more from a couple of them than I'm sure they learned from me.

August: The end of summer. I hate having to say goodbye. This time it was even worse as my cousin left for college. At least I started getting involved in Jr. High Church.

September: Ugh month #2. A former teacher of mine passed away, and I got into a car accident. Oh, and going back to TPHS for the Homecoming game was a far from enjoyable experience.

October: I wound up getting pinkeye, but on the bright side, I got a set schedule at work that was very favorable.

November: I went on a field trip to U of I, which was moderately cool. Thanksgiving was awesome as always...I always have good Thanksgivings and Easters.

December: I ended the semester on a high note, but Christmas was horrible. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. Christmas morning ready to barf my brains out--and I did. Christmas for me got delayed until the 26th, and I missed getting to partake in the normal Christmas traditions.

So, this year for the first time since 2002, I stayed home for New Year's. It seemed a fitting end to a melancholy year. I honestly am looking forward to 2007, because it couldn't be any worse than the last two years. :-) Happy New Year!

This Fire Still Burns

This is my second blog of the night, and it's probably more upbeat than the other blog.

To those who have known me as of late, I have probably seemed extremely calm and without any sense of urgency. A competitive edge has been absent as well. Some would probably go so far to say that I need to be checked for a pulse. So the question could be posed: Has Jakob Duehr lost his fire? The answer to that, after a careful amount of introspection, is no. In explaining that answer, I will give you a little bit of insight into some of my current philosophies.

Unlike the Jakob Duehr of a few years back, I see no need to publicize every aspect of my life. I realize that through blogging I let the entire world of the internet get a little glimpse into my life. Quite honestly, these blogs don't scratch the surface of the sum total of my life and desires. Therefore, though my feelings are not verbalized, they are still existent.

As far as urgency goes, I will admit that I have lost that. I believe that things will happen when they are supposed to happen. Pushing the issue sometimes leads to disastrous results. All my problems my last two years of high school were the results of pushing issues. If you have ever heard me say or seen me write "In due time, I'll take what's mine", that's my way of saying I'll let things happen when they are supposed to.

Concerning the issue of a competitive edge, I would not go so far as to say my competitive edge is gone, but rather that I have rechanneled it. I don't care as much about beating someone else as much as doing better than what I have done in the past. I've had enough success in my life. From 1993-2001, pretty much everything I laid my hands on was a success. I'm not saying that to exalt myself; I'm just saying that I was blessed, and it's time for others to get their glory. I have had enough to last me for a good long time. As long as I'm making progress, it's a victory for me.

Personally, I have even joked that I need to be checked for a pulse. Unfortunately, part of the reason for that is because I don't lead as active of a life as I probably should. I'm around 20 lb. above my ideal weight, and I don't exercise near enough. I have experienced enough "bitter pills" to appear outwardly unfazed by what has gone on around me. While I am extremely calm these days, I am not as dead to the world as others probably view me.

I am still affected by things; though I have grown in myself enough not to be as bothered as I used to be. I have enjoyed this period of being laid back, and I don't think I will stray too far from it. However, to those who are wondering, this fire still burns, and it's gonna cause something exciting.

Grinch, Scrooge, both, or neither?

Hey, this is one of two blogs I hope to get in by the time I pack it in for the night. It's not as negative as the title sounds. At least I hope not. But I'll let you decide.

I am personally a huge fan of the Christmas season. It is, all in all, quite cheerful, and I pretty much love every part of it. However, I just can't find myself able to get into it as much as before. In fact, I can only think of one other year (2001) where I wasn't able to get into it. In the case of that year, I was in a really low state emotionally which I think was to blame for the mediocre Christmas. The next four Christmases after that were amazing; but then again, those occurred during a relatively glorious era of my life.

This year, I'm trying to pinpoint the reason why I haven't been able to get into it. It's not like I haven't tried. I even made myself a Christmas mix CD to play in my car and gave my MySpace a holiday theme. Is it because I'm older? Well, I am busier with work, but that's not it. Is it because I'm in a low point emotionally? It has been a rough year overall, but I'm in a pretty good place from a personal standpoint. So, I really am at a loss for my lack of Christmas spirit/excitement. Let's hope I can get it soon.

Interpersonal Communication

Before I start, I wanted to let you know that while this blog is inherently more philosophical than the blog posted yesterday, it is, however, not as philosophical as what I am going to put up in the near future. This is more of an observational blog. It is, also, in and of itself a hypocrisy. You'll figure that out after you read it.

In our lives, there are certain situations or decisions which may seem trivial or logical at the time, but its ramifications extend far beyond that initial decision. I was thinking about one of those situations.

The date was March 3, 2002. I still had all of my 8th Grade graduation money, which was a pretty good amount of cash. The only computer we had in the house was my dad's old business computer from 1996, which used Windows 3.1 and did not have internet access. So, at the time, with my high school career taking off, it seemed like the most logical decision to use that money to purchase a computer with internet access. So, that is what we did.

This computer opened a whole new world of opportunities and information for me. I was able to discover anything and everything I wanted to. I could get music on demand, and I could talk to anybody immediately, provided they were online. The whole concept of instant messenger was particularly intriguing to me because I've never liked to use the telephone. It was amazing, and it allowed me to keep in touch with people who lived far away.

But, the other day, I got to thinking: What would the last four years have been like had I not had this outlet? Would things have been better or worse? Unfortunately, I couldn't come to a decisive answer.

Having the internet as an outlet for communication has limited my social urgency. I don't feel the need to be as social in person because I know I have this to fall back on. Also, I was looking back on all the bad situations that have happened to me, and they have mostly happened because of me acting stupid and/or creepy on the internet. If I didn't have the internet to do those things, life probably would have been a lot easier, and I would have spared myself and my reputation some discomfort. Lastly, for all the positive that can come from the internet, there is an evil that balances it. I wish I could say that I never fell into any of these pits of evil, but if I did, I would be lying to you. In fact, giving in to some of these evils led to my departure from the internet for the last three months of 2004. Not coincidentally, those months were some of the best months of my life, and I look back on it with nothing but good memories. I was able to better understand myself and others, and without the availability of other outlets I was forced to branch out and be publicly social.

Now, this blog wouldn't be fully fair if I did not share with you some of the positives that may not have happened without the internet. For one, I was able to go to camp with the ability to maintain friendships easily. I have friends from four and five years ago that I still remain in communication with. There are other friends that I have actually met through the internet who have become good people to talk to and share interests. Through the internet, I was able to strengthen friendships with people who lived close but I never really had a chance to talk to in person as well. And possibly the biggest thing that has come out of my time on the internet was my old website. That website, its weekly maintenance, and the constant flow of visitors to it helped usher in a new era of my life; a golden era so to speak. It set the stage for an amazing 2003 and 2004, and life hasn't been quite as good since then. Had the website not been created, it is possible that I could have stayed in the rut that I was in at the end of 2002 and never grown as a person.

So, if I had never had the internet, would my life during the last five years have been different? Yes, it would have, both positively and negatively. So where do I go from here? Unfortunately, we do not live in a black and white world, so it is not always feasible to make black and white determinations. Therefore, I'm going to have to try to take the best of both worlds. I'll still utilize the internet for what it does best for me. However, it's time to branch out. Reliance on one particular area in any facet of life leads to stagnation. Quite honestly, I want progress. So, while you'll still be able to catch me on here often, let's hope you can catch me in the real world as well.

Whatever happened to Jakob Duehr?

Well, after coming up with a title for this blog, I began to brainstorm the direction I wanted to take with it. I narrowed it down to quasi-philosophical ramblings or an update on how I've been. For once, I chose the latter. Don't worry, though. I think I have some philosophical ramblings soon to come.

Hmm, I guess I haven't updated my life since the end of summer. Things have certainly been busier than expected. Though I only had 13 hours this semester, the workload for the classes were pretty substantial, as I had a couple pretty big projects to do. I was also able to go on a few field trips: one to a museum in Kankakee, one to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, and one to Reed-Custer Middle School. All the trips had some highlights. I have been pleased with my effort and output scholastically this semester. Let's hope finals go well.

As far as work goes, I'm still at Super Target. Actually, now I am on the Research Team, specifically in scanning outs. I walk around the store with a pad of gray dots and scan whatever we are out of and check to see if we have any in the backroom. It's a pretty easy job, and it ensures that I never work later than 4:30. It's nice having a set schedule and no real boss. Makes me feel sort of important. Heh.

Unfortunately in September those of us affiliated with SCCA had to say goodbye to a former teacher of ours. The funeral, however, was quite nice and was a fitting end to a well-lived life. Concerning Stone, we are celebrating our centennial, which is pretty neat. I have started working in Jr. High Church, which is pretty much amazing. I love it. I think I'm more into it now than I was when I was in Jr. High.

Surprisingly, I haven't really made a fool out of myself recently. I did have one awkward and uncomfortable situation, but it's all taken care of. For the first time in a long time, I think the number of people I hold a grudge against is under ten. Due to my being surprisingly busy, or at least busier than in years past, I haven't been as social as I probably should. That should change come break. From a dating relational standpoint, I'm still where I was, but it's not because of a lack of confidence anymore; it's a lack of motivation. There are probably a few that I could feasibly be interested in, but it's not the due time. But you guys probably don't care about that, unless you have some sort of interest in me.

I'm pleased with the progress I've made as of late, and I'm anxious to see when I can reach the next level of personal development. Thanks for reading. I promise more philosophical ramblings soon.

There's a what on the road?!? Summer Recap

Well, well, well. It seems I have come to the end of my summer, and it is only fitting that I recap it. Summer '06 was certainly an interesting one, and while it didn't match the spectacular summers of '03 and '04, it definitely beat the pants off '05. So without any more rambling, it's time to recap my summer.

The summer started out on a high note, as my sister's track team won conference. The month of May didn't really seem like summer, however, as I was knee-deep in my online Physical Geography class and was doing some heavy cashier hours the good old Super Target. I didn't mind, though, as my friends were home and we hung out a few times.

By the time June rolled around, summer picked up. I had some strange and interesting experiences, such as going for jury duty and heading up to Hanover Park for counselor training. It was at this point that a good friendship seemed to be budding into something more, but in all actuality it was just another bitter pill. Towards the end of the month, I went to a White Sox game. It was a great game. The Sox only managed one hit, but it was a home run by Jim Thome and that proved to be the deciding margin. At this point, I was looking ahead to July and another enjoyable experience at camp, though in a bit of a different capacity.

Camp certainly did not go as expected. The entire week before camp was a roller coaster as to whether I was going to be a counselor or not. As of the morning I left, I was to be support staff. The ride to camp was a journey in and of itself. The church van got a flat on I-55 near Bloomington, delaying us a good hour. Then about 10 miles south we began having other issues. Well, suffice it to say, we got to camp a bit later than hoped for. When I got there, I was put on support staff and was assigned security detail of the field behind the activity center. Around an hour later, I was placed as a counselor instead and given a room where each of the nine guys knew each other. Though our toilet was perpetually clogged and we had to deal with a 16 hour power outage with triple digit temperatures, it was a great time. When I got home, I still had over a month of summer to go.

The last month of summer was not really spent on anything spectacular. It was mainly used to relax and replenish myself for the new schoolyear. I hung out with old friends a few times. I realized this year that saying goodbye is hardest the first time. While I do miss my friends, I am not as upset as I was last year. I'll see them again.

So, to sum it up quickly, this summer was full of interesting experiences, making new friends, staying connected to old friends, and losing some as well. I started to watch more television shows as well. Stuff on the Disney Channel, "My Own", and "The Contender" have become part of my viewing schedule. All in all, I think it was a good summer.

To conclude, I'll clue you in on the blog title. Yesterday I was up at ONU tying some loose ends before the year started. I decided not to take I-57 home but rather Route 45 instead. While I was driving, I notice a bird standing in the middle of the road. As I approached, I realized that it was none other than a pelican. Yes, a pelican. I had never seen one in Illinois in my life, and probably never will again. That strange encounter was the perfect end to a relatively strange summer.

Poser

As many of you know, I have had a general aversion to a store known as Abercrombie & Fitch. The reason for this aversion is still unclear, but it began in 1997 when I received a shirt from there for my birthday. I promptly had my mom return it. I didnt even go in the store and did not set foot in an A&F after.

To understand where this story is headed, I need to give you some background information about the evolution of my fashion (or depending on whom youre asking, lack thereof). When the 2000s began, I sported football jerseys and windpants religiously. By June 2003, I began to care what I looked like, and by 2004 most would say I became a full-fledged prep in my style of dress. I went from shopping at Montgomery Wards (thank goodness that place shut down) to places such as Old Navy and Hollister. This new, evolved look gave me a greater amount of self-confidence to face the world. With this in mind, I set off to Orland Square Mall this Friday for some Back to School shopping.

I started this trek at 1 pm with cash in pocket and a smile on my face. I decided to stick to stores that coincided with my image, so Mom, Dad, and Me and Hip-Hop Nation were out of the question. I started out at Aeropostale and didnt find anything quite like I was looking for. My summer/early fall wardrobe is pretty much complete, so I was looking for some warmer, late fall/early winter stuff. They didnt have it there, nor did H&M, the Gap, or the Buckle. American Eagle soon followed. I decided at that point to pull out the ace in my sleeve, Hollister. I have had great success there as of late, and I genuinely like their clothing. However, the one warmer article of clothing was not quite what I was looking for, so I left empty handed thinking I was out of options. Thats when a big moose stared me in the face.

At that point, I was left with a choice: end a 19 year streak of refusing to enter an Abercrombie, or ensure that I go home with nothing. I took a deep breath and walked in. Though I was dressed relatively preppy (complete with popped collar), I felt immediately out of place. The store even had a literal scent of arrogance, and I wanted to get out as soon as possible. There was nothing there that I liked, and even less that I was willing to pay for.

As I left the mall empty handed minus a Choco Taco, I asked myself, Did I just sell out? After pondering it for a while, I was a bit surprised at what my response to that question was. Yes, you have sold out, but you did that two years ago. I was always convinced that aesthetic inadequacies were responsible for my failures with the opposite sex. Therefore, I didnt take much time improving the product but rather decided to create an image: The Best Jakob Money Can Buy. Yes, this new image has given me more self-confidence, but I was left with another question.

At what cost has this image come? Have I gotten any new friends out of it? No, if anything my arrogance has cost me new friendships. I still have the same core group of friends, and theyd like me just as much whether I was in a tuxedo or in my underwear. Have I gotten a girlfriend? Negative. Not even close. Probably cost myself a few opportunities. I know I irreparably damaged a friendship in February 2005 due to this image. Have I improved as a person? No. I have become an insensitive buttface with little regard for anything not involving the word Jakob. So, what have I gotten out of this new image? MySpace picture comments from people Ive never met and probably will never meet? Oh goody. Thats worth a whole lot. Ive even let myself go from a physical and healthy standpoint because I believed that my clothes and image would cover it up.

Now, dont get me wrong. I like what I wear, and that style I feel I look best in. So when I do complete my Back to School shopping, expect me to be dressed in the same kinds of stuff I wear now. However, I will make one thing clear. At this point in my life, I am a poser, and I dont like it one bit.

Bitter Pills

Another day produces another blog. I've actually been thinking about this one for a while, so hopefully some valuable thoughts have been made.

Well, I've been thinking about how life gives us bitter pills to swallow. I've been force-fed more than my share in the last year or so, and quite honestly, I've hated it. Some of the main bitter pills that I've had to deal with have been second place and rejection. I used to hate coming up short with such a ferocity that I'd rather not come close than to encounter a near miss. However, I've been thinking about bitter pills.

The only time we physically need bitter pills is when we are ill. These pills do two things for us: they make us stronger and make us better. However, we do not need to take these pills forever. We get to a point where we are strengthened and well to the point that they are unnecessary.

Therefore in my life, I'm resigned to taking these bitter pills. I may not always like them, but I know they will strengthen and improve me to the point that as a person, they won't affect me anymore. So come what will and come what may, give me your best pill. It'll only make me better.

Grown Up

Well, I have heard it said by some that growing up is a gradual process. As of this time last year, I would've agreed. However, the last 365 days of my life have been a rather tumultuous journey. On July 22, 2005, I arrived back to Tinley Park from the last Senior High Camp I could attend as a camper. While it wasn't my best camp, it was definitely an enjoyable experience. While I was there, I felt like it was my last hurrah as a kid. What I experienced the next year after that was much more than I expected.

In August, I had to deal with some very scary personal issues. In due time, it might be expedient to share, but for now, it is best left at that. I had to endure one of the most traumatic events of my life that I still shudder at the thought of. Later that month, I had to say goodbye to some lifelong friends as they embarked on college journeys from coast to coast. In the month of September, my journey was about to begin.

I began the month of September with my first day of classes at Olivet Nazarene University. The very next day, I began working for the first time ever. Having to adjust to one would have been difficult enough; dealing with both was miserable. For my first three months at my job, I was forced to work until close, meaning I didn't get out until they let me. That could be as late as 2 AM. I eventually got into the swing of school (not without one minor incident with a classmate that I can laugh about now), but work was extremely difficult, especially since I woke up at 5 in the morning for class. One night in December, I decided to leave when my shift stated instead of closing as they would have liked. That decision nearly cost me my job. Thankfully and miraculously, Target had mercy on me and even let me change my availability after the holidays so I did not have to close anymore. At that point, I felt that 2006 was looking up.

The only struggles I had the first two months of the year were minor, and my great disappointment was the Seahawks' loss in Super Bowl XL. My love life was nonexistent, but that didn't matter. Things were definitely seeming to be rising when I got the call that a lifelong friend had passed away. I had not ever even had a close relative pass away, so I really did not know how to deal with such loss. To this day, I do not know if I do. I finished my second semester on a high note yet with a heavy heart.

The beginning of the summer was certainly interesting. I had to work as a cashier at Target while taking an online course. Those courses take a great deal of motivation, and I am extremely fortunate to have fared as well as I did. I went to Hanover Park, IL for counselor training as a way to give back to the camp. However, I was notified a week before camp that I was being placed as support staff due to my age. I was extremely disappointed and was not really looking forward to going, especially since none of my buddies were.

When I got to camp, things changed. Due to a counselor shortage, I was given a room of students. It was a different experience looking out for the well-being of nine teen boys instead of trying to have the best time possible personally. While this was certainly different, it was definitely rewarding, and the experience was invaluable.

When I got home from camp, I realized that I have come full circle in the past year. I have gone from a kid just looking to kill the time the way I know best to a young adult assuming more and more responsibility with each passing day. The only constant of life is change; and though I am one who clings to the past, I am excited to see what lies ahead.

I don't like July 12th

Honestly, I hate the day. Nothing good of it has come in the 2000s. In 2000 and 2001, I was pretty much rejected. In 2001, it was a brutal rejection. In 2k2, I was pretty much depressed. In '03 and '04 nothing too great happened, and from what I remember, '05 was pretty blah. Today I learned that I am indeed still capable of feeling intense emotions. Have you ever planned something two months before and ever since then built it up in your mind only to find out it won't be nearly what you hoped? I have. Next year I think I'm going on vacation from July 12th.