2007 in Review

As has been my tradition since 2004, I'll give you a month by month rundown of 2007. While it wasn't spectacular, I've grown a lot as a person, and all in all it was a decent year. So here goes.

January: The year didn't begin on a high note. I played football up at PBC on New Year's Day (after doing nothing on New Year's Eve) and was ignored even worse than when I went there. Not cool. Seahawks got knocked out of the playoffs by the Bears who went on to lose the Super Bowl. Semester started, and it was probably my most boring.

February: Surprisingly decent. I talked to an old friend on Valentine's Day, but otherwise, not much of note happened.

March: Another decent month, though again, nothing much to note. Hung out with friends a few times.

April: Jakob Duehr XX was a great experience, though I was sick for it. Another great Easter, though the celebration was out of the ordinary in that we went out to eat with my mom's side of the family instead of celebrating it at my grandparents' house.

May: Spring semester ended. Started summer course. My sister Heidi graduated from high school, and I went to a few of her track meets.

June: Began my summer abstinence from the internet. Got a cat, Buttons, who is quite high quality and is a respected member of the Duehr clan. In fact, she is sitting a few feet away from me at this very moment. Also went to Six Flags as a chaperon with the youth group. Oh, I also taught Sunday School.

July: More internet abstinence. I was able to hang out with my cousin Andy many times to swim at our grandparents' house. Hung out with people from work as well as high school. Began to branch out socially.

August: Return to both school and the internet. At this time Stacie and I began to get really close, as there is a connection between us that is indescribable.

September: After twenty years, we finally moved from our house in Tinley to a much nicer place in Orland Park. It took some getting used to, but I like the place. Finally came to terms with reality concerning a five year pursuit. I went back to TPHS for Homecoming Game, and actually met Stacie there in person for the first time. Long story.

October: Went to a WWE Pay Per View (No Mercy) with three guys from work, and my hero and yours, Randy Orton (\__O_/) won the title not once, but TWICE!! I finally confronted my feelings regarding a certain person, and for the most part, I think I handled myself well. Began observation hours at TPHS under Mr. Pfeffer.

November: More observation hours. I actually got to teach the class once. It was my teaching debut, and while I thought it was a bit boring, the kids seemed to grasp the material. Another excellent Thanksgiving, though I had to work at Super Target at 5:45 a.m. the day after (and stayed up talking with Stacie until midnight that night).

December: End of the semester. Went better than I had expected. I'm firing on all cylinders gearing up for the home stretch. Christmas was also very nice. I spent more than I usually do on people, but it was worth it. We are welcoming another addition to our family, as my sister is now engaged.

That was the eventful and productive 2007 in a nutshell. I am EXTREMELY excited for 2008, because I think in a lot of areas I am at the brink of something incredible. Thanks to all the old friends and new for making this year incredible.

The Results of the Seven-Headed Plan for Optimizing Jakob Duehr

In January, I laid forth my sevenfold plan for personal optimization. Now that 2007 is nearly complete, I shall update my progress with those challenges.

Decide on a style and go with it.
I was successful in this, but unfortunately people tried to compartmentalize me because of it.

De-emphasize the value of solitude.
For the most part, I have done a pretty good job with this. This year I have done things with a broad number of people, made some new friends, and renewed acquaintances with old ones. I've actually tried to get things together a few times but it didn't work out.

Get below 190 pounds.
Yeah, I failed in this one. This is going to be my #1 goal for 2008.

Establish a connection with some sort of celebrity.
I actually talked on MySpace for a little while with the actress who portrays Casey on "Life with Derek" and was even in her top friends, but that was it.

Take more risks.
This year I've done things I never thought I'd do before, and my only regret is that I didn't live even more than I did.

Let some things die.
I was able to relinquish a five year flame, and 75% of the grudges I had previously held. Still have some work to do.

Establish some sort of balancing operator.
I have a female best friend now to go with my core group of guys. She is amazing. We bicker a bit too much for my liking, but she definitely has the potential to balance me out and save me from myself.

All in all, I feel I succeeded in my goals. There is still a journey to the top of the mountain, but I definitely feel I have made some steps in the right direction.

Jakob Duehr de la Mancha?

It has indeed been a while since I blogged. While there has been much on my mind, very little of it I was compelled to put into writing. However, I think it's time to blog it up.

For starters, everyone who reads this NEEDS to either read Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes or watch "The Man of La Mancha". Classics, I tell you. I say that because I have found some similarities between Don Quixote and myself.

Don Quixote is seen by many as delusional because he views things in a way that nobody else really does. On the surface, he appears to be somewhat crazy, but if you look at things from a different perception, he is correct in a way. Likewise, I don't view things from a normal perspective. I've always done things my own unorthodox way, and a lot of people probably thing I'm some sort of freak. However, if you look at things from my perspective, I'm not always that far off.

Don Quixote's friends liked him, but had to deceive him at times because they had sympathy for him and his delusions. I'm beginning to think that my friends often say things to appease me because they have sympathy for me and know that I think on a one-track mind, and sometimes I fall off track. Heh.

Don Quixote comes across this woman named Aldonza. She is not necessarily the most wholesome sort, and has not had the best past. He does not see her as this but rather as Dulcinea, a beautiful maiden whom Don Quixote absolutely adores. She is rather put off by his admiration for her and repeatedly fends off his love and affection. Quixote is not discouraged by this and continues with his unrequited love. Eventually, he becomes injured and wakes, realizing that all he believed to be real was a delusion.

At this point, Aldonza comes to him. She finally realizes that she is something special. She no longer has to be trapped inside the box of guilt and shame. She finally believes herself to be Dulcinea and can no longer bear to be anything else. This brings Don Quixote back to where he once was, and he dies, not having been able to live with the love of Dulcinea but able to see the transformation made within her.

I have found my own Aldonza. I always have and always will believe her to be Dulcinea, but it is of little matter whether I believe that unless she believes it herself. I have tired endlessly to get her to see that she is something special--and she is extremely special to me. I just don't know when she'll see it.

At this point in my life, I think I've been wounded. It is by no means a mortal wound, but it is a wound that has caused me to think about things and wonder if I really have been delusional all this time. I just hope my Dulcinea will come to remind me who I am while understanding who she is.

A Losing Battle

There have been times where I've started something and was a little behind the gun, but I had enough time and ability to compensate and end up exactly where I wanted to be. Never in my life before this had I taken part in anything where I felt the rules of the game kept on changing the closer I got to making progress.

Today was the hardest thing I've ever done. How do you temporarily remove one of your best friends from your life? There's going to be a big empty void, and I don't know what I'm going to be doing with my Tuesday and Thursday afternoons these days. It's what I had to do, though. The two things of life I am concerned most about are balance and progress. Our friendship hasn't been progressing, and I started to see signs of it regressing.

The friendship started unorthodoxly beautiful and continued in that way for eighteen months. I had never had a friend that long without so much as one argument. It was amazing and wonderful. It was the source of immense happiness. Then things started going downhill even before I came out with my newfound feelings. I felt as though I had gone from having open arms to having both arms tied behind my back. There's only so much you can do. To not be able to make phone calls... to not seeing each other except once in a blue moon... to not being able to use the word love... I felt like the thing that was so beautiful and amazing to me was withering away before my very eyes like a flower after the first frost.

For somebody who didn't take any risks for 20 years, I've been making up for all the lost time of playing it safe. I think I've taken the biggest gamble of my life. For progress in this friendship in the future, I am sacrificing the present. I care about her with all that is within me and will never give up on her, but I can't figure out what she needs. At this point, it's not me.

Maybe it will be realized that I was just some delusional freak who made no contributions to her life. If that's the case, I'll have to live with that. I won't like it, but it will be the bitter pill of bitter pills. However, if things turn out the way my heart tells me and hopes that it will, then someday imminent I will enter into one of the greatest periods of my life. If that's the case, I can suck things up now. The end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

I still feel the Quixotic tendencies within me. Right now I'm just too weary to let them out. I just hope unlike the book, my maiden realizes she's something special before my demise.

Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe I already went crazy. But right now, I'm doing what I feel I have to, and hopefully time will vindicate me.

Until then, I love you Dulcinea.

Thanks for slowly destroying me. Expect a bill later.

I should be happy because of how great a time I had at No Mercy last night, but I'm not. Somehow the only thing that could have brought down my spirit did.

For most of my teenage years, I had a bit of an inferiority complex. I was extremely self-conscious, and I felt less than people. Soon after I got to college, I realized "Hey, I'm really not all that bad", and things have gone better for me in that front ever since. Slowly, I am beginning to feel all that I have built up sink down. Have you ever given everything you have for someone, and intentionally or unintentionally, they make you feel not good enough? It blows my mind sometimes.

It blows my mind that anyone would stay in something that hurts them to hurt someone that really cares about them. It is almost incomprehensible to me. To not see your best friend because of fear of consequences, and then telling said best friend to take a wait and see approach to seeing each other, which could last indefinitely, is downright hurtful. And believe me, I'm hurt.

I don't know. Maybe I'm not good enough. I dress a certain way, I talk at a deeper level, I'm not as aesthetically appealing, and I have probably got under skin. I still don't see how any of that should go over the fact that I unconditionally care about this person more than anything else at this point in my life. There's probably nothing I can do, and it is slowly eroding me. I used to think that I had an firm and grounded hope, but I'm really not sure anymore... I'm beginning to think I don't know anything. Thanks.

I don't know how to give up hope

It's really strange. The Cubs lost last night, and I took it a lot better than I thought I was going to. Though they didn't go all the way, I knew that all will be well. And with the Seahawks looking to gain revenge on the Steelers and Randy Orton possibly winning the title tonight (I'm going to No Mercy tonight and super-excited), hope is prevalent and abundant. For whatever reason, I can't lose hope.

I had a very interesting conversation with my mom last night. She said "Most mothers wish for a perfect girls with no faults for their sons. But when you were very young, I felt something different. Something inside me knew that you were going to find a girl with hurts and pains who didn't necessarily always do everything right, but you were going to want to save her. You were going to let her know how special she is, and you would treat her like a princess for the rest of your lives. I still feel that is going to happen with you." Even one day later, that conversation amazes me.

We all live our lives today for the hope of tomorrow. Each day, we wake up hoping today is that tomorrow. Someday it will be. Until then, I can not relinquish hope.

Various Thoughts

For the longest time, I hated taking risks, but now I can't get enough of them. When my old flame Jessica told me she was with child, she asked me what I thought. The Jakob of old would've said some sort of congrats with a moderate amount of sucking up. Heh, not now. I told her how she let me down and wasn't living life with a plan. When she got mad, I didn't care. Fear of what she thought of me didn't matter anymore.

After the whole Jessica fiasco and closure, I decided it was finally time to let Stacie know how I felt about her. She is one of my closest friends, but I think that if it's meant to be, someday there'll be more. I don't know if I've ever felt such a connection with a person. I would do anything for that girl without asking for much in return. I'd rather see her with me because that way I'd know she was in good hands. We'll see. I know it makes her uncomfortable talking about it, but for me, I like to keep it on her mind at all times. We'll see if my interest gets in the way of being best buds. It shouldn't, other than when she tells me about that stupid English teacher of hers. Shouldn't make me jealous, but it does. Haha.

I used to not mess with girls with boyfriends in trying to be honorable, but not anymore. It doesn't help that the last three girls I was interested in had boyfriends who didn't particularly like me. Jessica, Con4t, Stacie, all three of them have had boyfriends who wanted to run their mouths off about me. Stay focused on your relationship and being the best you can be, and you won't have to worry about looking over your shoulders. Though I will say, objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

My tolerance of stupidity and annoyances have lowered and lowered as of late. At work and at school I am finding it difficult to keep my mouth shut. The people in my Latin American History class can vouch for that. At Target, I have to be sure that my sharp tongue doesn't put me in the unemployment line.

So, after reading this, it would probably appear that I am unhappy. Things are not where I'd like them to be, but I am optimistic. All will be well, and if they aren't, I'll find a way to make them well.

Reality is a bitter pill, a crashing wind, and a refining fire

It could possibly be said that reality is the mean average of the sum of our perceptions. Sometimes, reality and perception are a ways apart. For five years, I lived in that imitation of reality. To make an example from The Matrix, I didn't take the blue pill. I wasn't ready to face the music but was rather content to live in false pretenses and illogical nonsense. In so many other areas of my life, I embraced the reality, but in my own romantic musings, I guess I never really matured. I never grew out of the adolescent, "Does she like me? I like her." sort of thing.

Tonight, I finally came to the realization that something I had hoped for romantically was never going to happen, and it made me emotionally nauseous. It finally dawned on me that I had wasted a good long time on something that was never real and never came close to being real. In that sense, reality was a bitter pill.

This evening, when being confronted with this reality, I finally presented my alternate "reality" to the person and was met with a harsh response. I was pretty much chastised for misinterpreting intentions and picking a fight. I realized that when false perception meets with reality, it is like two fronts converging, and reality hits with a severe storm complete with a biting wind.

Finally, confrontation with reality is not just a punishing experience. Looking at the big picture for what it is instead of what it might be or could have been is actually an invigorating experience. It is the sort of refining fire that improves the product, so when the work of reality is complete, we are completely transformed into real people living real lives. To end this now, let me close by quoting the refining fire moment inside myself:

"It was this illogical, almost idiotic hope that someday there could have been something though nothing lent to that notion. Even though you pretty much shot me down every time I tried, there was this little feeling inside of me that said, wait it out, because there was something about you that I had never felt before. And you and other people told me that there was someone else out there for me. And tonight for the first time, I fully realize it. So, I say all that to tell you good luck, I really mean it. Thanks to this, I can finally realize that there's something out there for me, and it's a whole lot better than I thought it was."

I am what I am, nothing more, nothing less

I have come to the point in my life where I have realized that I am not invincible. For a good long time, I considered myself to be well-grounded, focused, and deeply philosophical. While those things may be true in varying degrees, the real Jakob Duehr is nothing compared to the Super Jakob Duehr (or the J-Man that I created in elementary school), that I had in my mind. I have learned that there are some things I just can not do.

While we all have the innate capability to cause someone to hate us, whether due to chronic or acute transgressions towards them, an annoying personality trait, or just randomly, we can never make anyone love us. Believe me, I have tried with girl after girl. I became somewhat of a chameleon. I changed to what I thought the girl would like, but it never worked. I finally got to the point where I decided it was time to just be me. Still, even being Jakob Duehr, I could never make anyone love me.

There have been many places in my life in which I was a part of a community for a lengthy period of time. Some places I look back at fondly; others I spit at the memory. I was a part of a youth group for about three years during my early teenage years. No matter what I did, I never fit in. I always felt like an outsider, so I turned inward and really didn't talk. Most people didn't give me the time of day, and to the few that did, it never really developed into a deep friendship. The only redeeming quality was the youth pastor, but he couldn't make them love me. In looking back, for the longest time I wondered what I could've done differently, but I finally realized that I can not make anyone love me, and in that I find some solace.

I can not just do something well because I have the desire. Over the course of time, I've wanted to be WWE Superstar, Actor, Rockstar, NFL Player, and President of the United States without exerting any effort. While I will never, ever tell you not to dream, I thought I could do these things simply because I had the desire. I did not fully understand the meaning of Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I thought of myself as some sort of super human who could do anything. The meaning of that passage does not mean we are innately capable of perfection in any field without hard work. I have come to realize that I'll never accomplish anything of note until I buckle down, get focused, and take care of the everyday things first.

I can not get you to agree with me on every point. Dumbly, I long thought myself to be smarter than most; not in terms of booksmarts, but rather in a philosophical sense. I haven't lived your life; I have just lived mine. I can not tell someone what is right or wrong in gray or unknown areas unless I have lived through that situation. I used to think that if someone thought differently than myself that I could not be their friend. Yet it is respect and a love for the person without necessarily having to contain acceptance of their opinions and/or lifestyles that truly forms a friendship. The world is not going to be full of clone Jakob Duehrs, so I have to do my best to make connections with all the others and show love, compassion, and respect.

Finally, I can not help everyone through each and every problem or trial that he or she is facing. I am usually skilled (knock on wood) at being able to give people the exact advice necessary for them to get through a situation. I have been able to cultivate some deep friendships due to this God-given gift. Tonight, however, I was not able to help a close friend of mine through her bad situation. As much as I believed in her, I was not able to get fully through to her and let her know exactly what to do. And after ending the conversation, I felt really bummed. I felt helpless, and I hurt for my friend. But I finally realized that I don't have all the answers. I never will. There is only one who does, and Jakob Duehr is not that person.

So, there. I am not a lot of things. I am what I am, nothing more, nothing less. And in discovering my weaknesses and fallacies, I think I've made myself a lot stronger.

Moving On

Though I have tried to pass myself off as intellectually deep and philosophical, there are two somewhat simple issues that are probably very easy for others to deal with, yet they disturb me to the core and rattle my very being. For the longest time, I have believed that I am not apt to effectively handle change; nor am I fully equipped to come to terms with reality. Over this absence I have at least made the realization that the struggles I have had with these issues could have easily been deterred.

I have strived for the constants and the traditional; yet the only true constant is change. Now then can I survive in such a paradoxical world? Over my twenty years, I have been extremely fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on your viewpoint) in that I have had to deal with as little change as possible. No close relatives have passed away. I have lived in the same house, in the same room, for twenty years. My core of closest friends has been the same since preschool, pretty much.

Earlier in the summer, my sister brought home a little kitten. A fully healthy kitten, not just something she found on the street, mind you. Save a one day failed experiment with sea monkeys, I had never had a pet before, so I was very apprehensive and downright unhappy. The first day, I was angry at my sister and my parents for making this decision without consulting me. It was because things weren't going to be as they always have been. Guess what? I love that cat. She and I get along very well, and when I have to get up early for work, she waits by the fridge as I pour my milk.

A couple weeks ago, I was faced with the reality that our family was moving. Not very far, mind you, just a few miles to the next town over. However, the idea of change rocked me to the core. My residence at 6502 Parkside Drive (come stalk me, fools... I'm only here two more weeks anyways) was the only place I ever called home. The idea of living anywhere else bothered me, and scared me. It was my perceived inability to deal with change. Guess what? I'm fine with it. The place we are moving to is amazing. Has a lot more room than our current place. Heh, if you're nice to me, I may have you over for dinner.

Now, on to the my slightly skewed perception of reality. There are times in my life where I have viewed to be what actually was more along the lines of what I wished could be. Any time I have failed at something, I haven't been able to man up and come to grips with the fact that I gave my all, and it just wasn't enough. For the longest time, I had myself convinced that I could have been a great basketball player for TPHS, but the problem was strictly in the hands of the coaches. Heh, no. I didn't have the drive or commitment that it would have taken to do so.

For the better part of five years, I had a crush on a girl I met at camp. She was absolutely beautiful (and still is), but we had nothing in common. Anyways, she had an on-again, off-again boyfriend, so things looked doubtful. But I always believed that I would eventually show her what she was missing and how a guy should be. At one point, after three years of good friendship, I laid it all out on the line, told her how I felt about her, and asked her to do the same for me. To my dismay, she really wasn't all that interested in me. But that didn't stop me. I still held out the eternal hope that one day we would be together. I ignored the fact that we had nothing in common, lived two hours apart, and were not really all that compatible.

I spent all that time chasing a dream when the reality was that I never had a chance. If I had kept a more grounded view of reality, I would have spared myself hurt, embarrassment, and looking like an idiot. I always thought I just needed to try a bit harder, but I gave it all I could.

So, the last few months I have truly learned two things: that my perceived fear of change was all in my head, and that my view of reality has been one that has been slightly skewed. Now that I'm moving on and improving by the day, there's no stopping me now.