I am what I am, nothing more, nothing less

I have come to the point in my life where I have realized that I am not invincible. For a good long time, I considered myself to be well-grounded, focused, and deeply philosophical. While those things may be true in varying degrees, the real Jakob Duehr is nothing compared to the Super Jakob Duehr (or the J-Man that I created in elementary school), that I had in my mind. I have learned that there are some things I just can not do.

While we all have the innate capability to cause someone to hate us, whether due to chronic or acute transgressions towards them, an annoying personality trait, or just randomly, we can never make anyone love us. Believe me, I have tried with girl after girl. I became somewhat of a chameleon. I changed to what I thought the girl would like, but it never worked. I finally got to the point where I decided it was time to just be me. Still, even being Jakob Duehr, I could never make anyone love me.

There have been many places in my life in which I was a part of a community for a lengthy period of time. Some places I look back at fondly; others I spit at the memory. I was a part of a youth group for about three years during my early teenage years. No matter what I did, I never fit in. I always felt like an outsider, so I turned inward and really didn't talk. Most people didn't give me the time of day, and to the few that did, it never really developed into a deep friendship. The only redeeming quality was the youth pastor, but he couldn't make them love me. In looking back, for the longest time I wondered what I could've done differently, but I finally realized that I can not make anyone love me, and in that I find some solace.

I can not just do something well because I have the desire. Over the course of time, I've wanted to be WWE Superstar, Actor, Rockstar, NFL Player, and President of the United States without exerting any effort. While I will never, ever tell you not to dream, I thought I could do these things simply because I had the desire. I did not fully understand the meaning of Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I thought of myself as some sort of super human who could do anything. The meaning of that passage does not mean we are innately capable of perfection in any field without hard work. I have come to realize that I'll never accomplish anything of note until I buckle down, get focused, and take care of the everyday things first.

I can not get you to agree with me on every point. Dumbly, I long thought myself to be smarter than most; not in terms of booksmarts, but rather in a philosophical sense. I haven't lived your life; I have just lived mine. I can not tell someone what is right or wrong in gray or unknown areas unless I have lived through that situation. I used to think that if someone thought differently than myself that I could not be their friend. Yet it is respect and a love for the person without necessarily having to contain acceptance of their opinions and/or lifestyles that truly forms a friendship. The world is not going to be full of clone Jakob Duehrs, so I have to do my best to make connections with all the others and show love, compassion, and respect.

Finally, I can not help everyone through each and every problem or trial that he or she is facing. I am usually skilled (knock on wood) at being able to give people the exact advice necessary for them to get through a situation. I have been able to cultivate some deep friendships due to this God-given gift. Tonight, however, I was not able to help a close friend of mine through her bad situation. As much as I believed in her, I was not able to get fully through to her and let her know exactly what to do. And after ending the conversation, I felt really bummed. I felt helpless, and I hurt for my friend. But I finally realized that I don't have all the answers. I never will. There is only one who does, and Jakob Duehr is not that person.

So, there. I am not a lot of things. I am what I am, nothing more, nothing less. And in discovering my weaknesses and fallacies, I think I've made myself a lot stronger.

Moving On

Though I have tried to pass myself off as intellectually deep and philosophical, there are two somewhat simple issues that are probably very easy for others to deal with, yet they disturb me to the core and rattle my very being. For the longest time, I have believed that I am not apt to effectively handle change; nor am I fully equipped to come to terms with reality. Over this absence I have at least made the realization that the struggles I have had with these issues could have easily been deterred.

I have strived for the constants and the traditional; yet the only true constant is change. Now then can I survive in such a paradoxical world? Over my twenty years, I have been extremely fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on your viewpoint) in that I have had to deal with as little change as possible. No close relatives have passed away. I have lived in the same house, in the same room, for twenty years. My core of closest friends has been the same since preschool, pretty much.

Earlier in the summer, my sister brought home a little kitten. A fully healthy kitten, not just something she found on the street, mind you. Save a one day failed experiment with sea monkeys, I had never had a pet before, so I was very apprehensive and downright unhappy. The first day, I was angry at my sister and my parents for making this decision without consulting me. It was because things weren't going to be as they always have been. Guess what? I love that cat. She and I get along very well, and when I have to get up early for work, she waits by the fridge as I pour my milk.

A couple weeks ago, I was faced with the reality that our family was moving. Not very far, mind you, just a few miles to the next town over. However, the idea of change rocked me to the core. My residence at 6502 Parkside Drive (come stalk me, fools... I'm only here two more weeks anyways) was the only place I ever called home. The idea of living anywhere else bothered me, and scared me. It was my perceived inability to deal with change. Guess what? I'm fine with it. The place we are moving to is amazing. Has a lot more room than our current place. Heh, if you're nice to me, I may have you over for dinner.

Now, on to the my slightly skewed perception of reality. There are times in my life where I have viewed to be what actually was more along the lines of what I wished could be. Any time I have failed at something, I haven't been able to man up and come to grips with the fact that I gave my all, and it just wasn't enough. For the longest time, I had myself convinced that I could have been a great basketball player for TPHS, but the problem was strictly in the hands of the coaches. Heh, no. I didn't have the drive or commitment that it would have taken to do so.

For the better part of five years, I had a crush on a girl I met at camp. She was absolutely beautiful (and still is), but we had nothing in common. Anyways, she had an on-again, off-again boyfriend, so things looked doubtful. But I always believed that I would eventually show her what she was missing and how a guy should be. At one point, after three years of good friendship, I laid it all out on the line, told her how I felt about her, and asked her to do the same for me. To my dismay, she really wasn't all that interested in me. But that didn't stop me. I still held out the eternal hope that one day we would be together. I ignored the fact that we had nothing in common, lived two hours apart, and were not really all that compatible.

I spent all that time chasing a dream when the reality was that I never had a chance. If I had kept a more grounded view of reality, I would have spared myself hurt, embarrassment, and looking like an idiot. I always thought I just needed to try a bit harder, but I gave it all I could.

So, the last few months I have truly learned two things: that my perceived fear of change was all in my head, and that my view of reality has been one that has been slightly skewed. Now that I'm moving on and improving by the day, there's no stopping me now.

A Renaissance, so to speak

Well, I am back after my two month absence. This blog will be a bit of a recap of the past two months. Future blogs will cover more of the philosophical aspects of the past two months.

The last two months have been an interesting time for me. When I left, there were a few goals which I set out to do, and I think I did well for the most part. I have regained focus in life and have rediscovered the ability to dig deep. When it comes to working out, I gradually got myself to the point that not working out seems more foreign to me than doing so.

In terms of increasing my social outings, the results were a bit mixed. While I did socialize with a greater variety of people than I have done in recent memory, I still feel that I could've done more. I guess that's just something I'll have to shoot for next summer.

All in all, the internet vacation was a productive time. I feel that in some ways I have positively reinvented myself. Time will tell as to the longevity and effectiveness of this Renaissance.

Wrapping Up

Well, as this is the last day that I am a teen/kid (in a way, I guess), I thought I'd reflect a bit on my life thus far. Nothing too deep or profound, as I really don't feel like it. So, without further ado, here are twenty brief lessons I have learned thus far.

-Don't call people unless you intend to speak to them.
-Face to face contact always beats online contact.
-Be yourself. Don't create an image. It's better to be a dork than a poser.
-Let people know you care. Do the little things.
-Take risks. One chance may be all you get.
-When it's time to let things die, don't keep them on life support.
-Talking a big game is one thing; having one is another.
-Doing just enough risks coming up just short. Attack things full force.
-Stay focused. Nothing good comes out of distractions.
-If you're going to ask people for advice, and they all come to a general consensus, it is usually wise to heed the advice.
-Don't underestimate the younger, smaller, or weaker.
-Everyone deserves one chance, but nobody truly deserves a second chance.
-When going out with friends, always get separate checks.
-Keep your humor in line. You never know who will hear about it, or discover your inside jokes.
-Maintain balance.
-Sometimes progress means moving forward. Other times it requires reverting to where you once were.
-There comes a point where we all must lead. At that point we must decide what kind of leaders we will be.
-Being knocked down is not the same as being knocked out.
-Growing up is knowing when to maintain hope as well as when to let practicality set in.
And finally,
-Who we are around really plays a great role of making up who we are. So pick a good crew to be with. I think I did.

Well, thanks for making these last 20 years a blast. This Jakob Duehr XX celebration will last the entire year, and I hope you join me for the ride.

One year later, and it still hurts.

It has been said that time heals all. I disagree. I think that time simply fades the wounds aesthetically, but they never really go away. It was a year ago today that one of my closest friends, Katie Prosapio, moved from earth to heaven quickly and tragically. I paid tribute to her last week shortly after the accident, but I do not believe that one page does enough justice. I do not believe that what I am about to write will do enough justice either, but it is my humble homage to an amazing person.

As I thought about what I wanted to say, a lot of memories came to mind. I could talk about Katie's fierce competitive drive, to the point that she would actually play basketball against the boys at Stone. One time she actually wound up blocking my shot, but don't worry, the next shot she took I sent flying 15 feet across the court. That's how she wanted me to play. She didn't want any special treatment because she was a girl. But that's not what I'm going to remember the most.

I could also talk about how Katie was the kind of friend who knew when you needed a good kick in the pants and gave it to you -- literally. One night after church service I was whining about something to someone when I felt a strong boot directly to my posterior. I turned around, and there was Katie laughing. She knew exactly what I needed at that moment. She always knew when somebody needed that special something to get them going in the right direction. Again, that's not what I will take from Katie's life.

I could talk about how she played life by her set of rules. She threw herself a 16th Birthday Party almost three months after the fact. We all went to the bowling alley and had the time of our lives celebrating something that had long already happened. When she was opening her gifts, she even had the audacity to say "This doesn't feel like my birthday." with a straight face. That particular event could probably epitomize Katie, but it won't.

There are two things about Katie that I'll never forget. She loved God, and she loved people. Really, that's all that's important, and she realized that. She was willing to follow after God with everything she had, and even talked about how awesome it would be to die for the faith. I believe she was indeed a martyr; her life was sacrificed so that others might truly experience the fullness of God. She also loved people. Boy, did she love people. I don't know if I've met anyone since with such a capacity to care for people. Her ability to make people feel comfortable (and occasionally uncomfortable) was uncanny.

I believe that Katie's life can be summed up in this statement: She loved God, and she loved people. I miss her dearly, but I know that she's where she wanted to be all along.

The Price of Progress

I've said it before, and I know I'll say it again many times in the future, two of the most important aspects of life are balance and progress. I strongly believe in this, and it has become the core of my personal philosophies. However, I have come to realize that progress comes with a price.

As I have said before, the advent and spread of the internet has opened countless doors, both positive and negative, so I will not waste my time and yours by talking about it. I will talk, however, about one technological advance of the past century or so and how it serves as a vital portion of my life while being the ultimate cause of others' demise.

As most of you know, I am a commuter student at Olivet. That way, I can live my life as a student as well as keep my same life at home, church, and work. That would not be possible if I didn't have my car. My trusty silver 2005 Chevy Cobalt is my lifeline between Bourbonnais and Tinley Park. Without it, I couldn't possibly do what I do. I would be pretty helpless without my car.

Conversely, vehicles have left an indelible mark on the community of the Stone Church. It was just under a year ago that Katie Prosapio, one of my closest friends, was taken from the world when her vehicle hit another. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that as well as how much I miss her. I could go on and on about the importance she had on myself and on our close circle of friends, but that will be more appropriate at another time.

Sadly, the angel of death has used the automobile as its vehicle of destruction again, taking from us another member of the Stone community. While I am not going to pretend that I knew her well or had established a meaningful relationship, I will say that she was a valuable component of the church, and that many are going to feel the sting of this loss for some time.

So, that brings me to the title of the blog. Progress comes at a price. Were it not for the creation of the automobile, we may not be devoid of these two young women. I do believe, however, that God has impeccable timing and that it is not our place to question his decision-making. I am not advocating going Amish and forsaking all technology. But it gets you to thinking about progress. Progress, while important and highly valuable, is not without a cost. As we live our lives, we must decide whether the cost of things outweighs the value. This is not only applicable for tangible technological items, but for the intrinsic processes that occur for mental and emotional progress. Remember, the cost of progress might lead to some uncomfortable times, but forsaking progress might lead to a live unlived.

I'm better than this

As I begin the last three weeks before Jakob Duehr XX (which will be a yearlong celebration, mind you), I have thought about some things. Most of all I have thought about progress. Probably the two most common things I write about are balance and progress. Upon thinking about it, I realized that my progression has only been a partial one.

The past seven years I have progressed in more than a few ways. Physically, I have gone from 6'0 tall, 130 pounds to somewhere between 6'4 and 6'5 and 215 pounds. I traded in football jerseys for polos and glasses for contacts. I no longer run on my toes or have my voice crack.

As far as confidence goes, I finally got some. Probably a bit too much. I never thought I was good enough to be accepted by certain people or talk to certain girls. This lack of confidence caused some erratic behavior. I called a girl and hung up 30 times in a day. Yeah, creepy. I used to rely solely on online communication to "work my game". Thankfully, those days are past. While I am not experiencing any sustained success, minor victories have provided me with something to build on.

I began my teenage years in 7th grade at the Stone Church Christian Academy. I progressed through there while keeping my core group of friends and moved on to Tinley Park High School. While that experience was certainly tumultuous, I learned some valuable lessons by falling on my face, and all in all, I'd have to say my time there was a success. Now I am at Olivet Nazarene University, and I really don't have much longer there, either. I have gone from awkward adolescent to a stone's throw away from moving on to my career. I guess you'd call that progress.

For all this progress I've made, there has been one major impediment. It all stems from my desire to hold on to the past. I recently purchased some DVDs that were relics of my childhood. I have constantly tried to keep a connection with girls I was interested in during my younger days because I have held out the hope that they'd finally give me a chance. I live in the current with one eye looking in the rear-view mirror. But today I had an epiphany. It is an epiphany that I believe will produce progress for anyone who experiences it.

This epiphany was a short little phrase: "I'm better than this." For so long, I felt that I needed to wait for things just in case. I don't need that. I am nobody's backup plan or insurance policy. I am better than that. I don't need to ponder what once was or what could have been continually. It is behind and below me. Life is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. I am tired of holding myself down for that fleeting hope or that relic of what once was. I'm better than that, and I have finally come to that realization.

When I say "I'm better than this", I'm not asserting that I am some sort of supernatural being or ultimate human. We are all better than this. The things that hold us down we can grab by the neck and choke the life of. We are so much better. There is no way we can make progress if we never come to the realization that the things that tie us down do not have to and are not permanent. I'm better than that, and so are you.

Dig Deep

For the first time in a while, I can say that I am genuinely pleased with things for the most part. After reviewing my last blog, I realized that it's alright to have questions. But you are probably wondering what's up with this sudden change in attitude by me.

To start off, I had my best Valentine's Day in years. No, I'm not "in a relationship", but it was a good day. I cleaned the house, got a lot of work done, cleared up an old feud, and chatted with an old flame without it being awkward or me making a fool out of myself. All in all, it was an excellent day.

I started running again to get to work on part of the plan for optimizing myself as stated in a previous blog. It's amazing how much better I feel about myself when I'm done. Now I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't been easy, but I've surprised myself what I can do when I dig deep. It makes me sort of regret risks I didn't take years ago because I didn't have enough confidence in my abilities, but what are ya gonna do?

American Idol is back now. While I know many of you have strong opinions on it, I happen to like the show because I like seeing people taking risks and living out their dreams. I was a bit disappointed because my favorite girl got KOed tonight, but it is what it is. One opportunity opens countless others.

Spring and subsequently baseball season are just around the corner. Spring is by far my favorite season, as I love the fresh start that comes with it. A fresh start for my Cubs this season is gonna be great...I can just feel it.

So, while I felt a bit despaired the last time I blogged, I feel greatly encouraged for a few reasons. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that by digging deep, I'll get there that much more quickly.

Something new for you to chew on

Before I start, two brief things to discuss. First, my blog got looked at a billion times today and I didn't even post anything. Strange. Also, I have begun work on an allegorical look at my life. Maybe I'll post some of it here at some point. But that's not what this is about. At one point I promised you loyal readers some philosophical musings, and while this still isn't quite what I had in mind, this is just a taste of what's on my mind.

Lately I have found myself encountering more questions in my search for answers. In looking for solutions to issues hitting our world globally and personally, the only answers I have reached are the realizations that I can't answer the question until I have answered another question.

As of late I have found myself questioning the goodness of mankind. Since we are inherently sinful, is it too much of a stretch for me not to expect any good out of mankind unless there is some sort of reward, tangible or implied, to do good? I have even begun to examine my actions to determine whether I am doing something based on an expected reward. To this date, I am still trying to figure out the answer. As both a Christian and aspiring philosopher, I wonder if those who have made the commitment to living a Christ-centered lifestyle have been cleansed to an extent of these impure motives and act strictly from pure motives. At this point, I am leaning towards one of two conclusions. One is that the Christian lifestyle acts as a greater conscience, but does not eliminate the possibility to act impurely. Or, it could be that those of us who are Christians are not living the life as well as we should be.

I have often wondered why I hold on to the past as much as I do. I realized that we tend to stay with things until something better comes around. Quite honestly, 2005 and 2006 were not as good as 2004; therefore to some degrees I guess I am still living in 2004. I realize that in dwelling in the past I run the risk of missing out on the present, but for some time, there hasn't been anything in the present to miss out on. Maybe soon I'll find a compelling reason not to dwell so much on the past.

Lately, I've been a really strange mood. I haven't been extremely happy or sad, but somewhere in between. I have been consumed with the idea of there being something better out there soon, whether for me or for somebody else. I have listened to five or six different versions of "Bridge over Troubled Waters". Each time I listen to it, I get this sort of knot in my stomach because I feel both parts of the song. I feel this desire to be someone's bridge, yet I long for someone to be there for me to cross over the bridge from 2004 over the troubled waters of 2005 and 2006 to where I want to be.

Maybe I've been feeling strange because for the first time in my life, none of my closest friends are around. The last of us left in January to serve our country, so all I have left is my family. While I love my family to pieces, they have their own lives to live and I can't trouble them to be everything I need, because quite honestly I don't know what I need. I think I valued solitude too much in my life, because now the more I have it, the less I want of it. I just shudder to think of what life would be without my family.

I don't want any of this to come across as me being depressed and seeking something out of you, because I don't, and even if I did want something, at this point I don't know what it is. I'm just disillusioned with a lot of things, and behind the "Game Show Host" smile lies the greatest actor in the world. For I have fooled you all. I have led you to believe, behind cheesy grins and pseudophilosophical ramblings, most of which are even over my own head, that I have it all together. As I stated earlier, my quest for solutions have only left me with more questions, and I don't quite know what to make of myself.

The Seven-Headed Plan for Optimizing Myself

Hello, hello. It is time for my first blog of 2007, and I am extremely excited about it. While is it not a blog detailing my philosophies as promised, it still figures to be pretty neat. It's a good way to kick off the year.

While I do not necessarily believe in making New Year's Resolutions, I did decide to look at myself and try to determine how I could better myself this year. While I am far from perfect, I am advanced philosophically and mentally enough to recognize my current shortcomings and develop a plan of action. So, in honor of the year 2007, I have developed a seven-headed plan for optimizing myself.

Decide on a style and go with it.
While I have established a style of dress and manner, I have been known to fluctuate between various styles of facial hair. For this year, I have decided to stick with one style of facial hair in accordance with keeping one style everywhere else. How can an image be established under constant change?

De-emphasize the value of solitude.
While I have learned a great deal about myself, it's time to put my self-taught lessons into use. There's no better time but the present to get out there and show who I am.

Get below 190 pounds.
To be a leader, you must be able to show the way. A leader should have a recognizable physical presence and should be able to defend any and all followers from harm. At this point, I am far beyond where I should be and need to do something about it. And face it, while the Lord does look at the heart, we do tend to look at the outside. Therefore, I'm going to get back into 2004 shape.

Establish a connection with some sort of celebrity.
While this is the least important of the seven heads, it is the most important in globalizing. The networking possibilities should I establish a bond with someone with a broader audience are boundless.

Take more risks.
The only thing holding me back in my younger days was the lack of belief that I could do whatever I put my mind to. These days, the confidence is present. It's time to see results.

Let some things die.
I love the past. I really do. I think on some years of my life with such great joy and remembrance. However, I've held some grudges for a good long time. While it's not practical to forget, forgiveness is necessary. And who knows? Maybe some of my enemies of the past will become powerful allies of the present and future.

Establish some sort of balancing operator.
Every good leader has been put in check at some time. Should this be in the form of mentors, peers, or some sort of sidekick (be it a right hand man or love interest), there are times I need to be saved from myself. While I have had good intentions, I have been prone to self-destruct. By establishing a defense system, a lot of the problems that would have demoralized me in the past can be alleviated.

So there. That's how you make a better Jakob Duehr. Check back in 12 months to see how it all turned out.